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Nora kicked her feet against the back of the medical table in front of her as the physician’s assistant brought up one of the pictures he’d taken of her face on the big monitor across from her, nose lit up in red. From the chair next to her, her mom shot her a quelling look, and Nora tucked her legs in, only for her knee to start bouncing nervously instead.
“We’ve got a pretty good idea of what you’re looking for,” the physician’s assistant said - to her mom, not to her. He didn’t even look at her as he hit a key on the keyboard and digitally shrunk her nose until it was all cute and petite and perfect. “But let me know if you want anything changed.”
Nora hated him. Just for a second, a quick little flash of hate, about as meaningful and lasting as some gas. Then the second passed, and she was hollow again.
Her mom frowned at her, and Nora realized her knee was bouncing faster. She put a hand on it to stop it.
“Can you move the tip out a little?” Nora asked, and the physician’s assistant obliged.
She leaned forward in the chair to get a better look. Was it good enough? Was it perfect?
She’d never thought anything was wrong with her nose, even when kids in elementary school called her names. She’d been picked on for so many reasons that her nose hadn’t even stood out, not until Drea had cracked something inside of her and called her Nosy Nora while she was doing it. But now that was all she could hear, the sound of Drea’s clear, perfect voice preserved in her head and ringing out in a loop as it said it again and again and again.
“A little further in,” Nora muttered, and in it went.
Was this the nose that would exorcize that voice and give her the quiet of her own mind back? Was this the perfect, immaculate slope that would rewind time and make Nora whole again?
“Are you sure this is safe?” Nora’s mom asked again, squeezing her hands together in her lap. “She’s still so young.”
The physician’s assistant shrugged. “Her nose has grown to its adult size. There’s no real point in waiting. She’s going to be starting high school, right? Better to get it done before that starts. Kids can be cruel when they notice something has changed, even if it’s for the better.”
Nora’s mom breathed in sharply, and maybe Nora should have been doing damage control, but she was busy staring at that nose. She trailed her hand over her existing nose, feeling the too-big curve of it, and pressed down, imagining she could reshape it just like that.
It was funny. The more she looked at it on the screen, the more it kind of looked like Drea’s nose.
“This is the one I want,” Nora said. She put her hands in her lap, mirroring her mom as she turned to her. “I’m ready.”
Her mom hesitated, then reached over and squeezed her shoulder. “If it will make you happy,” she said. Her eyes were so big and liquid, with that nose that was the same as Nora’s stuck in between them like a sad sagging hill.
Nora smiled at her, and didn’t tell her that she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be happy again.
Eleanor was a passenger throughout her own makeover.
She found it hard to mind. It was the perfect seat from which to observe Drea darting like a knife through stores, strong and focused and with a clarity of purpose that Eleanor found familiar.
She talked the whole time about revenge. There’s a thousand ways to take a girl down, she said as she tested foundation against the back of Eleanor’s hand, her warm, soft fingers rubbing it in as Eleanor stood there, mute and helpless, all those thousand ways wiped out of her own brain in an instant. Boys are harder, she said, flashing a devilish smile at Eleanor as she got the stylist to wipe out Eleanor’s hair in an instant. And Max is patriarchy incarnate.
She said other stuff as she did Eleanor’s makeup, but Eleanor found it hard to focus. Eleanor was wearing only a bathrobe, and her bare thigh was so close to Drea’s hip. It would have been so easy for them to touch the way Drea’s hands were touching Eleanor’s face, firm and so certain, like they belonged there.
Eleanor’s heart clenched with terror even as she thought it. She was so sure Drea would realize she liked it and rear back in disgust, but Drea had that knife-sharp focus of hers poised entirely at her new target; there was no time to think about a new one.
A thousand ways to take a girl down, Eleanor thought. Like a lot of her thoughts, this one was in Drea’s voice. Did Drea pick how she took Eleanor down, or was it all instinct? What would Drea think of Eleanor’s way of taking her down?
Drea still glowed, even now. Eleanor wanted to reach up and catch that glow in her mouth. Snuff it out, or let it burn her from the inside out.
Then Drea booped the end of Eleanor’s nose, and Eleanor almost asked, Do you like it now?
But it had never been about her nose. She knew that now. Maybe she’d known it all along.
Eleanor kissed Drea while the last chords of “Bitch” faded out over the open roof of the convertible.
Drea startled, and Eleanor felt rage. And in the middle of that rage, she felt fear. And in the middle of that fear was an older, uglier fear, that cracked-open feeling of little thirteen-year-old Nora, asking herself why? and having no answer.
Drea grabbed the back of her neck, and Eleanor felt -
Eleanor was practically vibrating as she stood at the counter of a Party City, looking over the offerings with a critical eye.
A heart? Nice and ironic, but lacking flair. One of those sparkly obnoxious circles with a corny message in the middle? Somehow worse. A character of some kind?
Eleanor giggled into her hands. The guy behind the counter looked up just long enough to make sure she wasn’t pulling a gun before going back to doing something at the cash register.
She kept feeling the moment of impact again and again. The way her car had slammed into Drea’s, the way she’d actually been able to see Drea’s head snap forward.
Oh, Drea would be fine - Eleanor had been very careful about her speed, after all - but, wow, Eleanor sure had made an impact!
She hoped so, anyway. She hoped Drea kept feeling the moment of impact again and again. She hoped it lived behind Drea’s eyelids, the way everything Drea had ever said to her lived behind Eleanor’s.
“Hey, can you bring those two closer for me?” Eleanor asked, pointing at the sample balloons, where a dog balloon and an Elsa bobbed disinterestedly against the ceiling. Two bitches - very appropriate.
Up close, Elsa didn’t look quite right, her Disney-perfect face stretched and distorted into something kind of grotesque. There was a metaphor there, probably, but Eleanor wasn’t interested in imperfect at the moment. She was buzzing, something humming under her skin, one of happiness’s close cousins. Satisfaction? Anticipation? She wasn’t sure.
“Let’s go with the dog,” she said, and the guy behind the counter released the sample balloons to float back up to the ceiling, where they bonked their heads. Eleanor laughed again.
“Birthday?” the guy behind the counter asked flatly, like he had to, as he blew up her balloon.
“Oh, I’m visiting my friend in the hospital,” Eleanor said brightly. “And it’s going to be perfect.”
Nora tried to pick her moment carefully.
She wasn’t the only one who could see how amazing Drea was. She was constantly surrounded by other girls, laughing and making them laugh in turn, shining out from their midst like the sun. Or maybe like a lighthouse, with the way she smiled at everyone but seemed to smile especially at Nora, guiding her through the rocky waters to safety.
So Nora had to wait until after lunch but before afternoon activities, when everyone started trashing their trays and dispersing to their various stations. It was a rare moment where the seas parted and it was possible to get to Drea, and Nora jumped at the chance.
“Hey,” she said, arms crossed as she hid behind them. Did she sound cool? “Hey,” she tried again, and only realized a second later that saying it twice just sounded lame.
But Drea smiled at her anyway, and Nora’s heart jumped in her throat. “Hey, Nora,” Drea said. “What’s up?”
Nora’s courage almost failed her. Drea’s attention focused all on her was like a spotlight, and it made it hard to breathe.
But it was also so, so warm. Staring into Drea’s eyes, Nora felt safer than she ever had in her entire life, and that made it easy. “Can you come with me for a second? I - I wanted to tell you something.”
“Sure,” Drea said, and Nora was unstoppable. Nora was invincible. Nora would never feel sad again, even if Drea didn’t feel the same way, because Drea was on her side, and as long as that was true, nothing could hurt her.