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Today it was…rather uneventful, like it had been all week. All month, really.
As much as Alex Blake enjoyed the quiet routine and slower pace her life had slipped in the last few months, sometimes it was hard to distinguish every day from each other. It could become rather…..dull.
Of course she loved the chance to spend so much time with James, of course she loved teaching, of course she loved having mangled corpses-free dreams- once in a while at least.
But Alex would be lying if she said she didn’t miss the BAU.
She never found a thrill in chasing serial killers, absolutely not, but she found closure. Being able to reunite couples, friends, and families was what she used for 15 years to motivate herself, to push aside the lingering feelings of resentment and betrayal she felt toward Erin Straus and the Buroe after they abandoned her to her luck. It was what kept her going even after realizing she would go back to an empty home every single day…..
But overall, she missed the team.
They were…. different from what she expected from Aaron’s elite squad, if she was being honest. Quirky individuals aside, she didn’t expect how easily they threw the term “family” around each other. How fondly they spoke of the teammates that were no longer with them or even about one of them whenever they weren´t in the room. The light-hearted teasing, the protectiveness, the love were such a bizarre juxtaposition to what they did.
She didn’t even realize the moment she was part of that world. But now here she was, worrying every day about the moment that Aaron Hotchner sent her a message telling her that one of her former teammates was dead.
Alex shook her head at the thought, taking a sip of the wine that had been almost forgotten in the middle of her musing- almost.
She had told James about these thoughts before he left for a late night shift- the longing that was sure showed on her eyes from time to time must have been more telling than she assumed.
“It’s natural to feel this way- you never imagined you would hang the badge so soon, didn’t you?”
Was what he said, and God wasn’t that the truth… the irony, what she had grown to adore the most about the two years she spent in Quantico was the reason why she left.
And now here she was, sipping wine in the middle of her kitchen. Reconsidering her life choices.
The phone rang and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes, fighting a little smirk as she picked it up, not even bothering to check the Caller ID “James it has been like 30 minutes, I am not that depressed-“
“Depressed? are you alright? did something happen?”
Alex froze, her mind didn’t even register the crash close to her bare feet until she felt the wine that remained in her cup spill all over the wooden floor.
“What was that? Are you okay?!”
“Damn it” She hissed, both at the mess on the floor and -especially- on her head. For a moment, on her eyes, the liquid ruining her carpet transformed onto something far warmer and clearer, her dining room shifting onto an abandoned alley and the panicked voice on the phone became an uncompressible whisper, a pained attend of a smile and pupils that roll up to show the white-
“Alex?! H-hang on, I will- uh... just stay put!”
And just like that, she is pulled back to the present. It was amazing how much power that meek baritone had over her questionable mental state.
“No, no, no” Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she could almost feel the anxious fidgeting, the worried pacing on the other side of the call. That was more than enough motivation to force herself to keep what remained of her composure “Don’t do anything, I was just….taken back from your call and dropped something. It’s ok now”
“O-Oh….ok, ok” She wasn’t the only one that had to take a deep breath after that, but his voice sounded even more shaky and unstable. Dread filled her gut. Sure, Spencer Reid hadn’t the most imposing presence, but he had come a long way from the nervous, rambling mess that had come to quest lecture alongside her years ago. Yes, he was way more soft-spoken than most men in his line of work and still could get easily flustered or nervous around certain unfamiliar situations, but not around his family. Not around her.
If anything, she was expecting some form of rage directed at her, it didn’t take a skilled profiler to know it would at least sting to be left like that, without a proper goodbye or an explanation.
She was a profiler thought, so she knew that it would get to him especially hard.
“Are you ok?” / “You ok?”
Was what said in unison.
“How are you holding on?”, was what was left unsaid.
“I thought you hated the generic introductions” Alex tried to relieve some of the tension, but between the ever-consuming quilt that was left after she managed the clear the resurging of another flashback- and the way that Spencer clearly covered his phone’s speaker so she didn’t hear something coming from his side of the call between the progressively longer silences....
She didn’t have the heart to tell him that between one of those pauses he had actually left the speaker uncovered, so the sob registered at her ears clear as day. He would deny it anyways.
Just then, what he had said earlier fully registered. “Stay put? Were you going to bring in the whole squad if you sensed I was in danger or something?” She tried to joke again, to somehow light up the mood, what she didn’t expect was the uncertain knock at her door at -she checked her watch- 1 am…
“Not…. Precisely. Hey did you know that Boston is really cold during this time of the year at night? Personally, not a big fan”
“No way…” Alex dodged the abandoned mess on the floor, rushing toward the door. To her credit, there was no hesitation as she opened the door, not even a word as she grabbed the younger man’s arm and ushered him inside, away from the not-so-gentle drizzle outside.
The little, ashamed smile Spencer gave her after she threw a towel at his face would have been amusing if it wasn’t for the way he was shaking lightly. Didn’t stop him from waving in her direction thought “Hi”
“Don’t hi me, what the hell?!” She hissed, closing the door behind them. Now there was a stain of wine in her kitchen and rainwater ruining her entry and living room’s floor- she didn’t care, but it would be really interesting to explain later “Spencer it’s 1 am and you decide to take a stroll around my neighborhood, under the rain?!”
“Actually, I wasn’t strolling- I was standing on your porch the whole time just…didn’t know when it was appropriate to knock” He corrected, earning a glare that made him turn his focus to drying his hair with the towel Alex had thrown at him earlier. “Your neighbor was about to call 911 so I showed her my badge- er… now they think you are in trouble with the law, sorry”
“Well, most teachers are dealers on the side so” She watched with a little smile as he snickered under the towel. Part of her wanted to believe that the….sounds she heard over the phone were that a product of the cold, but the red, puffy eyes that would occasionally meet hers told another story. “How did you even find me anyways? I never told anyone my address”
“Penelope” He shrugged, attending to get his now dry curls out of his field of vision. Alex raised an eyebrow- not at the fact their bubbly tech had localized her, but at the fact that was the first time she ever heard Spencer call her by her first name.
´Welp, a lot can change when someone shoots a man to protect you…´
Alex did her best to push the mental image of the ever-cheerful Penelope Garcia dragging her semi-unconscious best friend through the hospital, praying for someone to save them mere hours after Spencer was fighting for his life on an operation table, on an ambulance, on that dammed alley-
“Alex?” Spencer’s uncertain, concerned voice is, ironically enough, the anchor that keeps her away from that place. It’s also the trigger, but she would never tell him that. He is already fidgety enough- even more than usual. “I….I am sorry maybe- Maybe this wasn’t a good idea um… I should go- it was, uh, it was good to see you-“
“Spencer” Her voice was firm, but tender, forcing him to meet her eyes. “Why did you come here exactly?”
His mouth opened and closed a few times, whatever he intended to say dying on his throat as Alex silently motioned with her eyes toward the sofa. Spencer just nodded, feeling slightly embarrassed and frustrated that even after practicing what he had wanted to say on the porch for over an hour, the word just wouldn’t come out when he needed them to.
Alex silently waits thought, sitting in front of him with an encouraging smile, which makes him smile back. She knows. Even though it had only been their second case together as a whole team and she had taken her words back out of fear of walking onto sensitive territory with him, she knew.
Eventually, his voice comes back. More uneven than he would like it to be, but at least it’s something.
“I wanted to do a crossword with you”
Alex just….stares. Blinks, twice, making Spencer mimic her. “…what?”
She doesn’t even react when he grabs his bag and pulls out the activities book she had bought before they went back to Quantico on her last mission with the team- a present for him, so he wouldn’t get too bored on his obligatory downtime. She had hoped it would keep him busy for at least 30 minutes.
She never expected it to be completely blank when he opened it, unused.
“You…..came all the way to Boston….to make a crossword?”
“You are right….we should just make the whole thing” He declares, searching for a pen in his bag- Alex did her best effort at ignoring the book that had fallen off on his uncoordinated attend to pull the little thing- both the activities book and that book had been inside a plastic bag, protecting them from the drizzle that had left his trusty bag a mushy mess. She wanted to retort how he had thought ahead of protecting the books yet never thought about bringing an umbrella or even a sweater- but that was an explosive territory, even after two years. So instead, she took a deep breath and put her hand over his, stopping his almost frantic search for the supposed pen she was certain now that he hadn’t even packed, to begin with. The shaking under her palm wasn’t a product of the freezing rain. “Spencer…what happened?”
The shaking definitely wasn’t a product of the weather.
Alex was fully expecting for his words to leave him again, or for him to act oblivious or change the topic… not for him to close his eyes, take a deep breath, and opens them- oh she had seen that stare before- oh no…
“Gideon is dead”
His voice all night had been everything but even. It was high pitched- even more than usual- and shaky, at times merely a whisper- but the tone he used with that sole sentence has been anything but. It was steady, low, detached. It actually took her a while for the content to actually register.
“What?”
She hadn’t known Jason Gideon personally, but she knew of her reputation and how integral he had been for her former team before he disappeared- hell, he was the reason why she was so worried over the effect of her sudden departure on Spencer- well, one of the reasons. She had heard some bitter remarks from toward his father that nobody seemed to question.
“He was murdered” his voice quivered once again, and Alex wasn’t sure if she preferred it over the dead tone he had used before. The same one he proceeded to explain the whole ordeal to her, in detail that only his prodigious memory could supply. Alex simply listened- after bringing them both a warm cup of tea. She would have brought what remained of the wine but she knew that Spencer didn’t drink and she wanted to be alert enough to at least listen to him. Being a sounding board for the night just aligned with her moral compass way more than sending him home in the middle of the night.
Plus, she missed him, dearly.
So Alex forced herself to listen, even when the loose shirt she had let him borrow -James’s- as his own clothes dried out shifted whenever he moved and revealed a certain scar that nearly sent her into another flashback. The way he would occasionally pause his story to massage that zone he didn’t manage to suppress didn’t help matters, but she managed to remain her focus on the now- and so did he, eventually at least. His voice went back to the pitch she was used to it- shaken and wavery and his words mushed in together, but she decided that yes, it was in fact better that the detached tone.
Besides, it’s not like it was the first time she saw Dr. Spencer Reid cry.
Doesn’t make it any easier though.
“Sorry for just…coming here like this” He had managed to say after a while of thick silence- because yes, the room was completely silent after he finished the story. It was one of his many and more worrisome talents: crying without making a sound.
“It’s alright, it’s not like I was doing much anyways” It was partially true- she should have been going over her next Monday’s class- but the motivation vanished the moment she took the time to roam around the empty house and reminisce.
“I can help you with those assignments you don’t want to do” Spencer motioned with his head toward the pile on her desk- a little smirk forming on his lips as she pressed her lips onto a thin line “I used to help my mother sort out her class plan whenever she was not- uh, feeling well” He cleared his throat. Alex had already seen him break down twice, it was not going to happen again on the same night.
“How about we make a deal- you help me with the assignment- and I bring you something warm to put over that” He was about to protest, but she silenced it putting one hand up “Don’t even try it. Under this weather, I have years-old wounds that start to act up, let alone something that happened months ago. Even if I didn’t see you flinching all this time I would have known”
“It’s nothing really….”
“Please, it would make me feel better” She knew it was low to use that kind of tactic on someone like him, but Spencer was stubborn and tended to slash out whenever he felt vulnerable, like a cornered animal, so it was better to cut the snake’s head before anything got to the chance to start.
“Alright….”
“Thank you” She whispered, standing up with the empty cups in her hands and stopping herself from rolling her eyes- one of the greatest minds in the country was pouting at one of his - former? - friends worrying over an injury that almost killed him, wonderful.
“Hey, I doubt any of us will sleep much tonight so….want some coffee? Even though I clearly heard your doctor say you should limit your usage of it-“
He snorted and rolled his eyes “Yeah, he also told me I should sleep more-“ At her glare, he gulped and looked the other way “Which I totally do”
Alex just rolled her eyes again and headed toward the kitchen, missing the way his grin slowly vanished as he stared at her retreating back, the way his shoulders sagged and the way that he didn’t even try to hide the grimace that crossed his face as he tried to cover that place with the borrowed hoody.
Just like Alex hadn’t missed his discomfort, Spencer hadn’t missed hers.
“So where is James? I would love to actually meet him” Spencer had said after a long sip of his cup- making sure to spare it as much as possible since Alex had made very clear it would be the only one he’d get that night.
“Emergency. He will most likely be back around noon” She explained, taking a sip on her own. It felt…. utterly bizarre. The moment she took that taxi, Alex assumed she would never engage in this type of trivial conversation over a cup of coffee with her -ex- collage…. And especially not at 4 am, in her living room instead of the office or near a dead body. It felt….odd, almost too normal -bar the hour. It just made even more evident the shift in a relationship she thought had stopped existing the moment she left his apartment complex. What reminded her… “You….said you wanted to do crosswords with me earlier…”
His eyes were fixated on the cup in his hands the moment she spoke again- and while she was used to Spencer avoiding eye contact from time to time, she could recognize the way those pupils shifted from side to side without much effort- plus the little, quivering smile and shaky chuckle that followed suit: embarrassment. “O-Oh that….sorry, I just, uh, I wasn’t thinking straight so uh, said the first thing that came to mind when…when I saw you again”
It wasn’t entirely the truth, but it wasn’t a lie either, that much Alex could tell.
“I see…what I find odd is that you didn’t do a single crossword, sudoku, or soup letter on the entire book” Alex flipped through the pages for emphasis. “I can’t imagine being bedridden when you can scan through a book in like 10 minutes being very fun”
“Trust me, it was not” Spencer huffed at the memory “Hotch didn’t let me set foot on the bullpen until the gauze was taken off. What did he expect me to do in the meanwhile? Get a life?”
Alex giggled. His sarcastic remarks and childlike, exasperated pouting almost made her not think about the reason why he needed downtime in the first place. Almost.
“But” He sobered, his eyes finding the floor very interesting at the moment. “No matter what…I couldn’t bring myself to fill the book you gave to me…. Whenever I looked at the word soups the letters just….wouldn’t…make any sense, they would mix together- and I know, I know that is the point of the game- but ever since I was little I could see them forming the words the moment I stared at them, you know? The same with the Sudoku”
Alex silently nodded, she had seen Spencer’s patron recognition skills in and out of work more times than she could count. “And the crosswords?”
The words came out before he had the chance to hesitate “Every time I tried to do one, I remembered you”
Alex didn't still, didn't even flinch, and her expression remained neutral- she knew. She knew the moment he pulled the plastic bag containing -protecting- her silly activities book along with The Narrative of John Smith- the book they all pretended they hadn't seen Spencer holding onto whenever he claimed the jet's couch as if it was a teddy bear. It was statement enough of how much her untimely departure had wounded him- Spencer didn't see someone leaving the team -leaving his life- as a mere goodbye....he grieved it. Penelope had told her one day at lunch that when J.J. temporarily left the team the two had been pretty much licking each other's wounds for weeks- with some help from Derek and Emily of course. J.J's return had sparked some hope in him- Emily's return had thrown him out of the loop -aside from the logistical reason- because of this, and now with this....
You didn't need a profiler to notice how utterly lost he was.
"When Hotch told me you were teaching in Boston, I felt happy for you" He continued, putting the now lukewarm cup on the table. "I still do, honestly. Like I said, if things had been different.... I would have done the same"
Alex stopped herself from saying that things still could be different, that he still could find love.... but she couldn't, because she had been the one to tell James that there was no way they could have more kids, years ago. If she didn't move on, who was she to tell him to do the same? She knew it wasn't healthy- she was sure that deep down he knew it as well.... but maybe that was why they got each other so much- they were both a mess.
So instead, she just listened. Listened cause she know how rare it was for Dr. Reid to actively seek and sounding board rather than someone else inserting themselves as it until he had no other option that open up. The fact that he traveled all the way from D.C. to Boston spoke volumes and sent all the alarms ablaze in her head.
"I always waited..." Spencer rubbed one of his eyes with the palm of his hands- a sign that she had come to realize indicated stress, like chasing an incoming headache away- waited for things to....you know, work out? I waited for my dad to come back- I waited for Gideon to try to contact us, waited for Maeve's stalker to leave her alone and....well, I think the most appropriate term would be hoped, because there was always more evidence pointing to the contrary....but I kept hoping and- well, look what happened"
"Morphy's Law can be a bitch sometimes" Alex murmured, rejoicing at the small smile that crossed his face.
"So uh, after what happened to Gideon settled in I just....thought that I didn't want to hope in vain at this, that if I didn't contact you I wouldn't be able to confront other....things" The whole night Alex had seen his eyes display all kinds of emotions- from nervous to hurt, to haunted- but what crossed his eyes right there was something that Alex hadn't ever seen- not even when he was agonizing in her arms, not when he crawled his dead lover-
It was pure, unmitigated terror. It was paralyzing.
"Spen-" Alex didn't even have the chance to question it- to say anything- before Spencer rather...aggressively twitched from rubbing one eye to doing the same for both- with clearly more force than necessary. And for a moment he just....covered his face and tried to steady his breathing, Alex's own eyes clouding as her hand went from resting on his thigh to one of his arms.
"Hey..." Her voice was low, reassuring, way more steady than how she actually felt "There is something else you hadn't told anyone else, right?"
Her only response was a shuddering, shaky breath and a hesitant nod.
"But you talked to someone else about how you felt about Gideon, right?"
"Rossi" Was his muffled, quiet reply.
"Good, good. Did that make you feel better?"
A nod.
"Are you ready to tell me about the thing that you hadn't told anyone else?"
A whimper was his only response.
"Ok, it's ok. You don't have to right now- or even ever, with me at least. You can talk to any of the guys later on- you know they will notice something is off sooner or later- there is so much you can use Gideon's death as a way to mask whatever is bothering you"
He slowly lowered his hands, his bangs covered his eyes- but not his tear-streaked cheeks. Alex's hand remained on his arm as a little smile crossed her arms.
"It won't be long before Morgan grabs you by the shoulder and forces it out of you" Alex snickered as he let out a little, side smile. "Or maybe the new girl will- you'd always seem to be closer to them"
"Kate, and yeah she wouldn't mind sharing the ´weepy agent with a tragic past´ title for a bit" At Alex's raised eyebrow, he mouthed an "Inside-joke"
"I see I had missed quite a bit" Alex took the former warm towel from him. At the very least she hadn't seen him rub that zone in a while.
"I can tell you about it- over a cup of coffee?" She huffed at his "innocent" smile, patting his shoulder.
"Not happening."
"Worth a try."
They left the less.... emotionally charged moment to settle in, just enjoying the other's presence with uncertain smiles and warm eyes. The perpetual gap in Alex's heart stung a bit less as she continued her repetitive motion on his arm.
"I told Rossi...that what I wanted the most was....to finish the last chess game I had with Gideon" Spencer broke the silence, his voice rough as he was clearly fighting another sob. Alex could only imagine how many blows his pride took in one night already "So, uh, you know...."
"You want to do crosswords with me" She filled in, he nodded.
"Yeah I-" He had to clear his throat before continuing "I know it's odd since crosswords are more of an individual activity than chess is but...you know.... it was fun to, uh....do them with you"
Alex could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks at his confession. And truth be told, he wasn't the only that hadn't done them in a while. She grabbed the book, her favorite pen and opened the first page.
"So....7 letters, Slim downs gradually" The gap at her heart hadn't felt warmer that the moment he actually smiled at her way.
"6 minutes...You are a bit rusty, doctor" Alex teased as he pursed his lips, an "I gave you a headstart" reply ready until she wagged the marshmallow pack on his face.
"The doctor didn't say anything about these, didn't he?" She chuckled at the way his eyes lighted up at the promise of something sweet.
"Even if he did I would drag that secret to the grave" He grabbed the bag, scanned the ingredients on the back in seconds, nodded to himself, and opened it. "This is probably killing us, and I don't care"
Alex huffed, accepting the offered threat with a fond smile. Her eyes traveled to another time "Ethan used to love that brand, we would buy them for him all the time"
"In Vegas we didn't have this exact brand but whenever I got a good grade my mom would buy the chocolate-flavored ones to celebrate" At Alex's raised eyebrow, Spencer shrugged "So....pretty much all the time"
"I have another bag- James isn't supposed to eat them so you can bring them on your next trip there. Share some with her"
It was subtle, it was quick, but Alex's trained eye caught it. His breath hitched and one of his shaking hands grabbed the other- stopping himself from the rubbing motion that had occurred before. Bingo.
"Did....something happen?" She had wanted to give him some space to figure his feelings out- accepting the possibility that whatever was bothering him wouldn't come out that night- morning?- and that those around him would catch on and help him out.... but a more selfish side of her yearned to be that person. To feel that the now-filled activities book would be the last of what remained of their bond- that he didn't come here just to seek closure. That the next time she heard from him wasn't from Aaron to tell her that Spencer used his body to block a bullet from someone else- again- and to come to say goodbye. Despite the distance, she still wanted him to be part of her- regardless of the way her body shivered every time his clothes revealed that mark on the base of his neck. It was worth it.
It wasn't easy, but it was better than just...leaving it like that.
Just like it wasn't easy to see him shaking, putting his arms around his torso.
"Spencer-"
"Why did you leave?"
She did a double take. "What?"
"I know why you did it but.... I want to hear from you....please"
There was no way in hell she could say no to that.
".....You remind me too much of him, and I know the nature of this job- I know how you are. I wasn't ready to see you on another hospital bed, Spencer. I just couldn't" She hated how much of a coward that confession made her felt- but it was the truth. She just couldn't.
"....Present tense?"
"What?" Alex blinked, staring at the young man that had started to look more and more like a cornered animal. Finally, he met her eyes and- oh they were filled with tears again, she just prayed that the way her own vision blurred was for lack of sleep.
"You said I ´remind´ you of him, not ´reminded´ you"
"...Are you seriously pulling semantics with me?"
"Learned from the best" His eyes remained wet and puffy, his voice low and shaky, but that didn't stop the little smirk that appeared on his face.
"Busted, I guess. Should have known better than to out-profile a genius" Alex murmured, her own voice was steadier than his- but that wasn't saying much really. "Yes... you remind me of him. For a long while you had...."
"So even now...."
A nod.
"Hey did you know our brains do something really fascinating where we seek parallels in everything? It's an almost automatic reflex where we just.... compare past experiences with whatever new territory we walk in"
It clicked, oh-
"That is just Spencer for "it's Ok Alex, I do the same thing with you and my mom", isn't it?"
He didn't meet her eyes, but nodded, and another barrier broke, the one she had been searching for the past few hours.
"She is...not doing so well lately" His voice was barely audible at this point, so it surprised her when he actually went further "She was doing great just a few months ago but all the sudden...the medication started failing and they are...are afraid it could be something else" Something worst was left unsaid. Finally, their eyes meet and oh, oh that was way worst that the damn alley-
"I am scared"
That was all the motivation Alex needed to pull his head at her shoulder, his hands clinging to her shirt in a desperate hold, one of her own was on his back while the other went to his hair. If he ever felt her own tears on his shoulder, he didn't say anything.
"Sh, sh it'll be alright, it'll be alright. Don't worry Ethan, you'll see how everything will get better over time..." An empty promise, just like back then, but it was all Alex could will herself to say.
"Thanks mom..." She didn't even flinch at the last part, just tightened her hold around him and silently prayed for Jason Gideon to look after the absolute mess that had all but melted on her arms.
"Of course"