Work Text:
It was a normal enough evening: Isabela left early with a new noble in tow - for yet another week this was a local noblewoman, close in colouring and stature to Hawke, but Varric, being a good friend, so far told nothing and only kept a tally; Anders was busy trying to get Sebastian to relax, although Sebastian had a much better success in making Anders angry; as for Varric himself - he was entertaining the Knight Commander Meredith herself!
"You are joking, Meredith would never stooped that low!"
"Yes, and would have missed the tale. You wanted a tale?"
"I wanted an anecdote, but if you'd rather provide me with an epic worthy of Shakesword of Mineus..."
"See, that's the compliments I like to receive. So, where were we..."
Meredith was already in her cups - it was the beginning of the week, Orsino was being needy about such luxuries as bath more often than every ten days and food on schedule, and of the red lyrium idol there was yet no trace, nor rumour, -- and, as you can imagine, Varric was also well on his way to the pleasant realm that only the brews of Hanged Man could provide (and yes, they were often piss, but even piss is better than Meredith), when Sebastian and Anders' argument had broke the quiet containment of their usual nook.
"And I tell you, I can be quite good at this!"
"I don't think telling sermons is anything close to giving blowjobs, Seb!"
"Why not? It's all in the tongue movement and throat capability, and my rhetorics' teacher was fond of saying..."
Whatever Sebastian's teacher was fond of got lost in Meredith's majestic bellow:
"What does throat capability has to do with it?"
Anders obviously paled, then seemed to glow at the cracks: this was happening more and more often, but since Varric was inevitably either hangover or drunk when it did happen, he saw no reason to get between Anders and Justice. Vengeance.
Whoever it was who was inside Anders, barring some worms and whatsnot.
"Everything, actually," said another voice, surprisingly crisp and sane for such an environment and time of day.
"And you are?" Meredith asked, swaying a bit as if there were at least two Ferendans in front of her.
"Alistair Theirin, Grey Warden of Ferelden," the dark blond man replied.
His armour, however, was a bit too fine and silvery for a mere grey warden. It also lacked that blue accents that Wardens were fond of, so of course Varric had recognised straight away that the mysterious dark blond...
("you didn't, did you? You haven't recognised him when he and his witch-wife had arrived last week to Skyhold!"
"I did, now let me finish?"
"You are taking ages today.")
... mysterious dark blond. Yes, Varric knew he was the King Alistair, and not mere Grey Warden.
Obviously.
Who else would manage to recognise foreign royalty while drunk as fuck on wine and nursing a headache from Meredith whining?
"If I may say, I do have some experience in this matters," Alistair continued, while his ears blushed.
"You don't," said Anders with such surety, Varric was certain there was something between them. "Lord-Commander was very certain about that!"
"Nay, when do eat out a woman," and now Alistair was fully red, a sort of watered down wine from Orlais, the cheap kind. "That is called cunnilingus, it doesn't require throat and..." the rest of his phrase he covered with a swallow of his drink, but Varric suspected it was something like "I'm forbidden from doing it".
"Yep, and eating a dick is a blowjob!" Meredith said quite loud. "But still, what use throat has? Orsino is definitely not so endowed..." she paused, then continued, "... very definitely, and he can barely hold, poor thing!"
"If you stand on your knees, I can understand him," Anders said with a kind of strange expression which either meant that Vengeance was figuring something out, or Anders was busy shelving back another kink of his.
("And don't ask how I know this, I just happen to know this, how else would I be so successful a writer?"
"I won't ask if you tell me what you think of Josephene's."
"I thought you knew?"
"Yes, that's why I'm checking you.")
"On my knees? Phhh, -- Meredith chuckled, then lifted her hand, showing her muscles. -- I lift him up!"
"Okay, that's even better!" Sebastian said, all attention now, while Anders made a face one would when they find an unintended lettuce in their meat stew.
"I like my men thin," Meredith looked at Sebastian, then Anders, then Varric, for good measure. Alistair was deemed too beefy even without a glance.
None were apparently her type, although Varric didn't feel sorry.
Maybe a little bit: as much as he welcomed whatever education Anders was dispersing to Sebastian that made him even a little bit more welcoming to younger Hawk sister, Sebastian could pack and sit on Knight-Commander desk all day, and no one would be sorry.
Not even Orsino, Varric suspected.
"That would explain no throat confusion," Alistair said even as his face was still pink.
"I have to ask," Varric dragged him closer, even though manhandling a knight in full armour was not a skill he was keen to advertise: "Did you lose a bet perchance? You don't seem like a man at ease with your own wisdoms, that's all I'm saying".
"No," Alistair said far too quickly.
"Your wife?" Varric suggested, because it was usually the wife for such men.
"Isabela, actually," Alistair chuckled. "She also was very disappointed in my, ehm, skills in general, and so this time declined even to speak to me!"
"But why would you pick a conversation with Meredith?" Varric whispered, while Sebastian, of all people, was carefully explaining the ways one could enhance the experience of the recipient while Meredith looked more and more horrified and Anders was just chugging wine straight out of her mug because his was already empty.
Sebastian had the talent to make the most interesting conversation both horrifying and boring.
"I was send here to better our ties with Kirkwall, given how many Fereldans have ended up here," Alistair tried to shake his shoulders, failed due to Varric's grip and settled for a strange motions of his eyebrows instead. "And I would need to have her support to get to see the mages."
"You can see the lot as soon as you'd like," Meredith exclaimed, and then easily manhandled them both up and away from Sebastian, who was enjoying the sound of the word 'suction' way too much, given how often it started to appear in his speech. "Even now. I will take you; it's past time for me to return, Orsino does worry so..."
"Lead on," Alistair said.
Of course, Varric followed: if there was to be a break out of the Kirkwall Circle added and abetted by Ferelden King, he had to be there!
("But that's my dear is another story!"
"One you haven't invented yet, I wager?"
"Sort of; I need a satisfying conclusion, don't you think?"
"If you want one, apply your tongue elsewhere."
"Command ahoy, my Seeker!")