Chapter Text
Winter in Ketterdam was a dreary affair.
In Ravka, there was at least the snow, competing with the darkness that plummeted on them all at once early in the afternoon, turning the landscape into a stark composition in shades of white, deep blues and black. People huddled in their homes, wrapped up in a quilt next to a fire, listening to old stories of the Saints. It often was so quiet during those clear, starry nights, the heavy blanket of snow muffling every sound, that Inej’s grandmother used to say you could hear them whisper if you paid close enough attention. But there were no saintly whispers heard during Kerch winters. They were dark grey, cold and wet. The merchers hid in their mansions in the Staves and on the Geldstraat. Business either slowed down or picked up in the gambling establishments, depending on whether or not the pigeons were willing to face the weather to try their luck at the tables. When it snowed in Ketterdam, the few inches were more often than not immediately washed away by icy rain that would leave the cobblestones treacherously slick, or muddled by the shuffle of feet. And while rivers in Ravka transformed into sparkling roads of ice, the Ketterdam canals rarely became fully solid, turned instead into a dark brown sludge that ran through the city.
Which is why, when the Black Tip threw her over the side of the bridge and into the canal, Inej was surprised by the impact of ice.
The evening had started as well as it could have been expected. Kaz rarely asked her to accompany him on Dregs errands when she stayed in the city for the winter, eager to keep her to himself instead, warm in their little room in the attic or at the Van Eck house. But when he’d declared that there had been some suspicious Black Tips sightings in a less respectable part of the Staves, coming in and out of a building that used to be abandoned, Inej had been intrigued. They’d set off together to investigate into the drizzle, a mixture of snow, sooth and rain that Jesper liked to compare to chicken droppings whenever he was forced to walk outside into it. Inej wasn’t a fan either. These conditions made it difficult to take to the rooftops, the tiles turned icy and wet, slippery beyond measure. And she hated the effects they had on Kaz’s leg. The ice made it harder for him to walk and he had to rely heavily on his cane, the efforts straining his hip and knee. He never mentioned it, of course, but she always noticed the tense line of his mouth, the grim determination that appeared in his dark eyes. Whenever he allowed her to pull him into bed for a few hours afterwards, she would hold him tight, curling up around him as he finally let all his muscles unwind, pain catching up to him with a vengeance.
They’d made it to the East Stave streets, barely crossing anyone’s path in the dreadful downpour. Most people hurried on the cobblestones, eager to warm themselves up inside away from the darkness and the cold. They’d been walking up to the bridge when they’d noticed a group of five people on the other side, heading their way. They didn’t look like the lowly merchers and small business owners who lived in this part of town. Kaz and Inej had exchanged a glance but walked on, steady. The night had turned to violence in the blink of an eye.
They’d barely stepped onto the bridge when the first Black Tip had pulled out a gun. Sankta Alina had flown from Inej’s fingers before he could pull the trigger, hitting him square in the chest. The others had charged as the first droplets of blood had fallen to the pavement. The first opponent had met Kaz’s fist, then his cane. Inej had thrown other Saints into the fray, one meeting another man’s shoulder before the second Tip was onto her. She’d knocked him on the head with the heavy hilt of Sankt Petyr, tried to shove his feet from underneath him on the ice. She’d turned around while he fought to regain his balance and sent another knife flying, impaling it in the back of a man trying to hit Kaz from behind – a dishonourable ploy. But then, these were Barrel tugs. Two can play at this game, Inej had thought with grim satisfaction, watching him collapse with a scream at Kaz’s feet.
Then the other Black Tip had pulled at her hair, tried to knock her down as she’d done to him, but she’d simply let the momentum carry her backwards and swung her legs over her head, kicking him square in the face before falling back on her feet. He’d let go of her braid, momentarily knocked out, his nose gushing blood. A gun shot had rung out and Inej had whirled around, her eyes finding Kaz still firmly standing his ground despite his leg, fighting like the devil. He had a bad cut on his forehead and wasn’t the one holding the weapon – she’d seen him pull out his own gun a moment before out of nowhere, like a magic trick, but it wasn’t in his hand anymore. Before she could throw another knife, the biggest of the Black Tips was on her, grabbing her from behind and lifting her off her feet, obviously intending to smash her to the ground or slit her throat. Inej had released the darts hidden in the heels of her boots before he could, stabbing him in the knees with all her might, but he hadn’t let go of her even as he’d wobbled and groaned. Struggling to pull free, she’d managed to flick open the small knife fastened to her wrist with her fingers and shoved it backwards in whatever part of him was in reach, smacking him in the face with the back of her head. One minute she was fighting his hold, stabbing him in the shoulder, and the next, he was flinging her into the canal.
She had to give it to him, no one had ever tried to get rid of her that way before.
The ice layer was thin, shattering under her immediately, and somehow, through the momentaneous confusion occasioned by being suddenly thrown into icy, dirty water, Inej realized that it had formed because the current wasn’t as strong in this part of town as it was in others. Thankfully, her instincts had taken over and she’d fallen properly, protecting her head and neck from the impact as her father had thought her all these years ago. She gasped, breath rushing out of her as the cold wrapped her body in its claws, her mouth filling with the canal, cold needles going down her throat and into her lungs. Her mind emptied of all thoughts except out. She had to get out. She forced her shocked body into action, scrambling to move upwards, weighed down by her coat and weapons. Although the canals weren’t so deep, the Black Tip had thrown her in with way more force than was technically necessary and the water was dark. For the span of a terrifying moment, she couldn’t tell which way was up and which was down. Then Inej reached towards the grey night, the last bubbles escaping her lungs guiding her into the right direction, and crashed straight into another pane of ice. Disoriented, her hand chafed and raw, she fought to make her legs kick harder, using her elbows to break through until she could inhale one short, desperate gasp of air.
Only to be shoved right under again.
Someone was holding her down in the water, pushing her under with strong, large hands. The man from the bridge. Inej struggled, her lungs burning, her limbs growing numb, but couldn’t shake him off. She tried to stop fighting, let herself fall deeper so he would have no choice but to let go, but he didn’t, grabbing at her coat, her hair again, viciously keeping her right under the surface. She reached for a knife at her belt and blindly stabbed upwards. One of his hands released her when she buried the blade in his forearm, but not long enough to let her come up for air. She lost her hold on the knife, her fingers a blur of sensations, scrabbling, finding nothing but water all around. Her vision was starting to fade. Inej couldn’t see anything, couldn’t breathe, her body slamming into ice again and again as she tried to push herself upwards. Then another shot rang out.
The man’s hands suddenly released her and Inej was wrenched away from the side bank by the impact of his body hitting the water. He fell directly on her, carrying her down with his dead weight. She shoved at him with unfeeling hands, panicked, sinking deeper with no sense of direction. When she finally managed to pull herself from under him, she couldn’t see anymore, a loud ringing echoing in her ears, her arms and legs not responding even as she tried to make them work, make them push her towards the surface. Something closed around her wrist like a deadly vice. Inej tried to fight it, flinging with one last burst of energy, but there was no use to it. She had no choice but to let it drag her where it would.
When her head burst out of the water, she still wasn’t able to breathe, as if her lungs had frozen over. Inej wildly threw her free fist upwards, refusing to let herself be pushed under again. It connected with something hard, eliciting a grunt from above. She tried to hit again, but another hand grabbed her arm, the firm grip agonizing, the cold seeping into her bones and making them feel brittle. Her vision came back in flashes as she thrashed, only managing sharp little gasps of air that burned all the way down to her chest, made water rise up in her throat.
“Inej, Inej, it’s me, stop.”
The familiar rasp of Kaz’s voice finally registered over the high pitch in her ears and she spat out more of the dirty water once she stopped fighting his hold, air finally making it to her lungs. She started coughing, her entire body wracked with spasms as he laboriously pulled her out of the canal, swearing. Inej fell in a heap next to him, shaking all over, still choking. Kaz pulled her into his chest by her arms, their bodies knocking together as she tried to just breathe, numb fingers grasping at nothing.
“Alright, you’re alright,” she heard him say distantly, the urgency in his voice not convincing.
He pulled her away from the edge of the water as she heaved, more water spilling out of her mouth and down the front of his coat. Kaz wrapped one arm around her back and pressed her to him, too tightly, making her gasp with pain. Her entire body was made of needles. He took her face in his hands and tilted it towards his, black eyes looking into hers in the dark. Inej’s vision was swinging, sharp cheekbones and frowning brows doubling then merging together in a Kaz-filled kaleidoscope. There was so much blood on his face.
“Kaz,” she gasped uselessly between two heaving breaths.
“Did you hit your head?” he asked, still searching her for injuries, then taking her chin in his fingers when she didn’t immediately respond, more firmly. “Inej, do you understand me?”
“Yes. No. Just– water,” she managed, wincing, trying to make sense of the words.
“Can you stand? We have to get out of here.”
Inej nodded, teeth clattering, forcing her mind to focus. Kaz stood up and pulled her to her feet, supporting her weight when her legs almost gave in under her. He threw one of her arms over his shoulders and wrapped the one not holding his cane around her back, half-carrying her to the narrow stairs leading up to the street. Inej knew they couldn’t climb them together unless they wanted to risk falling over the side and back into the water, so she forced herself to leave the closeness of his body. She wasn’t sure how but she made it up the stairs, Kaz not far behind her, gently guiding her with a hand to her back when she faltered. Her body was shaking so hard she almost fell to her knees on the cobblestones, but then he was there again, pulling her against him.
“Hold on to me,” he instructed, his voice rough in her ear, and Inej focused on doing just that as he started dragging her away from the bridge.
The world was a messy canvas of blacks, greys and browns spinning around her as they made their way through the East Stave, rare flashes of gold winking at her from the windows. The rain was still falling hard, nipping at their faces now as it froze on the way down only to melt at their feet again, turning the streets into broken mirrors. Sensations fought to reclaim Inej’s body as the wind savagely bit at her, freezing her clothes against her skin. She wondered for a full block what was the sound overpowering all others in her ears, until she realized it was the clatter of her teeth, echoing in her skull. At some point Kaz led her into an alley and pulled off his gloves to shove her hands in them instead, her stiff fingers stuck in fists and her oversensitive skin chafing against the leather. Inej distantly noticed that she was trembling so hard he had a hard time keeping her upright. Only when he started pulling off his coat did her mind suddenly snap back to awareness.
“You need that,” she protested weakly, trying to lift her hands to stop him.
She didn’t even manage to move them away from her chest, where they’d tucked themselves after he’d put the gloves over her fingers. Kaz yanked his big coat off his back without a word and held her against him while he wrapped it around her, unfolding her stiff arms one by one to awkwardly slide them into the sleeves. Her own coat was still wet underneath his, but the second layer protected her from the wind. The collar was dry against her neck and her chin, and it smelled like him. Kaz buttoned her up tightly and looked her over again, wiping her cheeks gently with his knuckles. Inej hadn’t even been aware of the tears streaking down her face the entire time.
“Come here,” he murmured, shielding her against his body, and then they were off again.
Inej flickered in and out of consciousness as Kaz guided her through the night, hoisting her upright every time she wavered. When her legs gave in under her for the tenth time, she couldn’t restrain from choking out his name, her mind begging her to let go, her body succumbing to the numbing agony. Barely taking the time to stop, he unceremoniously bundled her into his arms, the head of his crow cane sharply digging under her knees. Inej shivered hard against his chest as he laboriously started walking again, clutching her to him.
“Just keep your eyes open, darling,” Kaz said in her ear, the words echoing ones uttered years ago in the harbour. “Stay awake.”
She did, looking up at the expanse of the smoky sky, snowflakes tangling into the darkness, and listened to the sound of his heartbeat. His breathing was ragged and his bad leg buckled under their combined weight more than once, jostling her painfully. Still, he carried on. She knew he wasn’t taking her through the Barrel – they would have been too much of an easy target if he had. Inej wondered distantly if she should start praying. She’d never fallen headfirst into frozen waters before, not even all those years on the Wraith. The names of her Saints were eluding her, distant knowledge she knew was hidden somewhere in her mind. Maybe Nina would be able to start her heart again, if it stopped. Except Nina was in Fjerda, miles away, and her powers didn’t work the way they used to. After a while Inej stopped thinking, rested her head against Kaz’s shoulder and tried to remember to keep her eyes open, tried to forget about everything else.
She came back to herself when blinding, golden light fell on her face and other familiar voices reached her muddled senses.
“Oh, Saints.”
Jesper. The wind suddenly stopped whistling and the pattern of the ceiling in Wylan’s entryway came into focus, the chandelier hurting her eyes. She wasn’t sure where her shaking ended and Kaz’s began.
“What happened?” she heard Wylan ask, as Kaz walked past both of them, adjusting his grip on her.
“Start a fire in her room.”
“Kaz, there’s blood all over your face.”
“Fire. Now.”
Footsteps receded down the hall, thundering up the stairs. Kaz lowered her down as carefully as he could on a bench, almost dropping her in his exhaustion. His cane clattered to the floor. The world spun and Inej couldn’t stop trembling, her clothes frozen all over. Kaz crouched in front of her and immediately started to pull off the gloves from her hands. The wound on his forehead looked even worse in the light. Wylan appeared next to him and took her fingers as soon as he let them go, rubbing them between his. His shoulder pressed into Kaz’s but he didn’t even seem to notice, attacking the buttons of his coat so he could pull her out of it. Wylan’s skin was burning hot against hers.
“I know,” Kaz murmured soothingly, once, twice, and Inej realized she was gasping, tears falling harder down her face.
He unfolded the lapels of his coat and manoeuvred one stiff arm out of it. Wylan took her other hand in his once Kaz had freed that one too, reaching up to pull her soaked hood off her head. Her fingers were on fire.
“Wylan,” Kaz started speaking quickly, his voice becoming more and more faint in her ears as he leaned down to untie her boots, “I don’t care how you do it, but you need to send a message to Anika or Ralph, these Black Tips…”
Inej jerked back to reality when Kaz suddenly shook her shoulder, took her face in his searing hand to lift her head up.
“Hey, hey. Inej. No closing your eyes, darling. Look at me. Look at me,” he repeated, more sharply.
She forced herself to do as he instructed, blinking frozen lashes until her vision focused on familiar dark eyes in a bloody face. He brushed away some fine hair glued on the edge of her face, wiped the mixture of tears and dirty canal waters on her cheek with his thumb. His pupils were blown wide and some distant part of her knew it meant something bad but couldn’t remember the details. His hands were shaking too. If only she weren’t so cold maybe she could think straight.
“We’ll get you warmed up, alright? You just need to stay awake. Can you do that for me?”
Once she nodded Kaz finished untying her boots, pulling them off her feet. Inej couldn’t feel her toes. He straightened up and rested his forehead against hers, reaching for her coat next in the space between them. His blood slick skin felt like a hot brand against her own, his warm breath burning her chapped lips, but it was a comforting sort of pain. Her hair was starting to melt, icy water running down her spine. She was shaken by spasms that almost threw her off the bench, her fingers useless as she tried to wrap them on the edge of it to hold still. There were footsteps coming down the stairs and Jesper slid to a halt behind Kaz, carrying a towel. Kaz finally managed to get her out of her half-frozen coat and hood and took the towel from his friend’s hands, immediately wrapping it around her.
“The fire’s on and I poured a bath too,” Jesper said as Kaz pressed the fabric to her head, soaking up the water in her hair. “Where did Wylan go?”
“He sent someone to warn the Dregs. Bring me another towel and as many blankets you can find,” Kaz ordered, carefully pulling Inej closer to him.
“I can walk,” she mumbled in protest, thinking of the strain he’d already put on his bad leg.
Kaz ignored her completely, gathering her up into his arms again and pushing to his feet, clenching his jaw. He staggered for an instant then straightened, hands firm around her.
“Do you want my help–” Jesper started asking.
“Get out of my way,” Kaz snarled, limping to the stairs.
He carried her up to her room, Jesper close behind them. The temperature of the house was slowly melting her clothes and Inej was certain they were dripping all over Wylan’s fine carpets. Kaz shoved the door open with his shoulder and walked to the small sitting area where the fireplace was, next to an armchair. Instead of sitting her into it, he lowered her to the floor, right in front of the flames. His leg finally gave in and they both tumbled down rather ungracefully, Inej hitting the carpet none too gently with a sharp gasp.
“Sorry,” Kaz panted next to her, wincing.
Without allowing himself even a second to recover, he reached down to carefully pull off her socks, making her choke on a sound of pain when the wet fabric clung to her skin. He hushed her gently, pressing his face to her hairline in apology. When that was done he started to untie the small buckles of the knife holsters strapped to her arms while Inej tried to breathe, the fire a terrible contrast on her left side. Jesper burst into the room with at least five blankets piled high in his arms, a fresh towel plopped on top, and set them down on the armchair.
“Bring up some tea,” Kaz demanded next, not even glancing up from his task. “Leave it next to the door. Oh, and Jesper – put honey in it.”
He was out of the room again before Inej could thank him, not one to forget her manners in times of need, unlike a certain someone. The door clicked closed behind him and then there was only Kaz, the crackling of the fire and her throbbing body. Inej reached for the buckle on her right thigh while he unfastened the one on her other arm, but her fingers were still too stiff, clumsy and useless. Thankfully, Kaz had seen her remove her knives a thousand times now, had even helped on some occasions, so he was more than familiar with the process. She could only watch helplessly as his long fingers flew from one strap to the other, blood from the gash on his forehead dripping on her.
“You’re h–hurt,” she stuttered.
Inej tried to lift a hand to brush his hair aside and look at his wound, but her arm refused to budge.
“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” Kaz replied quietly, flashing a look to her face before loosening the holster below her hip.
“Always say that,” she retorted, trying not to shiver when she noticed it made it harder for him to remove the knife.
A brief smile appeared on his face, there and then gone. Inej wondered why it always seemed to amuse him, whenever she berated him about the disregarding way he perceived his survival. Then Kaz touched his fingers to her blouse and paused, looking at her face.
“We need to remove your wet clothes, all of them. Alright?”
Inej nodded then pushed herself on her elbows, grimacing at the effort. Her muscles were trembling, her breath still made erratic by her incessant shivering. Kaz reached for her when he understood what she was doing, gently pulling her into a sitting position. He knew – of course he knew – that she couldn’t let him take her clothes off when he was looming over her. She always removed them herself unless she specifically asked him to. Inej looked down at her shaking fingers and willed them to reach for the buttons of her vest, unhook them, but they were still so numb. The minute movements needed to undo the delicate fastenings eluded her.
“I can’t– feel,” she gasped haltingly, panic rising in her chest.
Kaz took her hands in his, silently cursing under his breath when he felt how cold they were.
“I can do it,” he offered softly, holding her fingers as if they were made of glass, “but you need to stay with me, Inej. Focus on that.”
And so he started untying her vest, one button at a time, looking up at her to the rhythm of his progress. Once it was fully opened he pulled it off, then kept on going with her blouse.
Inej’s vision became blurry as the warm air of the room touched her naked skin. The men used to love her skin at the Menagerie, marveling over how soft it was, how unblemished, like smooth caramel. Until they’d marked it with nails and teeth, claiming it, claiming her, making her want to crawl out of her own body. She could still feel the ghosts of their hands on her, fingers digging into muscles and flesh, searing down to her very bones.
You better make a good show of it, little lynx, or they will simply take what they want from you, crooned tante Heleen in her ear.
“No,” Inej protested feebly, repeating the word over and over, her arms impossibly heavy as she tried to shove them off. “No, no, no–”
“Inej,” Kaz immediately said, pulling his hands away, “Inej, it’s me, shh.”
His voice snapped her out of the memories and she was back in her room, the fire crackling next to her, too close. She’d flinched towards it in her effort to get away and now the flames were burning her frigid skin. She pushed herself in the other direction and bumped into the armchair, arms instinctively covering her chest, grabbing the wet fabric of her shirt. Kaz looked at her, his eyes alert, the light from the fire dancing on his face. Inej choked on a breath, staring back at him until her mind cleared and she remembered that she was literally freezing, not frozen in fear, that the reason why her limbs were going numb and her body was shaking all over was the canal’s water, not unwanted hands on her. She inhaled sharply and took hold of her blouse with stiff fingers to peel it off, exposing herself to the warmth of the flames.
Her skin prickled and burned, needles digging all over as she reached for the fastening of her belt next, leaving her chest band intact. At least the sensation, as uncomfortable as it was, grounded her in reality. Her hands were still shaking too hard for the buckle and she pulled at it uselessly until Kaz kneeled closer again, his fingers gentle as they landed on her forearms.
“Do you need my help?” he asked in a murmur when she looked up at him, startled.
Inej realized that his touch was starting to resemble what it usually was, the gentle press of his fingertips accentuated on her oversensitive skin but familiar as her limbs began to thaw. It had been harder to recognize the feeling of him while she was so numb and that, maybe more than anything else, was what had pushed her over the edge. Now a different ache bloomed in her painful body, one she knew all too well – the need to allow him closer, begging for the comfort she craved.
“Yes,” Inej managed in answer and Kaz nodded, agile fingers undoing the buckle in the blink of an eye.
He unfastened the Fabrikator made holsters carrying five of her knives on her hips and pulled the belt free in one swift motion.
“Do you want to pull them down or should I?” he inquired next, fingers hooking into the belt loops but not tugging.
“I can do it,” she articulated.
In the end they removed her soaked trousers together when her hands failed her again and Kaz discarded them to the side, immediately grabbing the fresh towel to pat her dry. Inej was still wearing her underwear but he didn’t insist on taking it or her chest band off, knowing as well as she did that it might be a step too far until she fully regained awareness of her body. The soft fabric of the towel seemed to grate on her skin even as he avoided rubbing, drying up her arms, her torso, her legs, while she shook, bones rattling together. Then Kaz reached for two blankets and wrapped them around her before tugging at his own clothes, peeling off his jacket and waistcoat in record time. He kicked off his boots, brought his suspenders down, half unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it over his head while Inej stared dumbly, confused. He looked into her face, hands attacking the fastening of his trousers.
“I won’t remove everything, but you need body heat,” he explained, flinching as he shifted to pull them down, his leg obviously giving him a hard time. “Your skin is too pale. Hands first.”
He found them in her cocoon of blankets and before Inej had the time to understand his intent, he shoved them in his armpits without a word of warning.
“Fucking hell,” Kaz gasped at the shock of cold, and she had the sudden, unbidden urge to giggle.
It came out more like a weak, shaky huff of breath but he noticed, eyebrows rising at her bemusedly over his shocked, wide eyes. Kaz screwed them shut with a muffled groan and leaned forward until his forehead bumped into hers, taking deep, measured breaths between his teeth to convince his instincts that the two blocks of ice pressing to the warmest parts of his body were not a threat. Inej could have wept with relief when a sharp tingle started underneath her fingernails.
“Please tell me it’s working,” he rasped, his own hands rubbing her arms through the blankets, her skin catching fire under the touch.
“I think so,” she panted, rendered breathless by the return of sensations.
“Good. Can you feel your toes?”
Inej shook her head, reclaiming her hands when the heat of his body became a little too much. Kaz found her feet next and enveloped them in his fingers, rubbing them the way Wylan had done with her hands earlier. Her mind was coming back to her in increments and she reached down to do the same to her thighs, although more clumsily than him. The shocking paleness of her skin turned to burning, red blotches that made her wince in pain. Once Kaz was apparently reassured that she wouldn’t lose any parts of her feet, he let go of them and reached for her waist instead, pulling her into his lap. He rearranged the blankets around them so that she was pressed directly to his chest, skin to skin. They both startled at the contact and this time, when Kaz suddenly stopped breathing, Inej remembered why. She took one of his hands, tense around her back, and guided his fingers to the erratic pulse at her wrist. He inhaled sharply in her ear after a few beats then held her tighter, arms curling around her middle. Inej sagged against him and finally allowed herself to close her eyes, her face pressed in the warm hollow between his collarbones.