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Akito couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. Being dragged around anywhere was already quite a bother, but being hauled to Phoenix Wonderland of all places? You might as well just kill him.
Kohane and Toya appeared overjoyed when they announced that their friends' troupe had invited them to help with props for their next show. He tried to look annoyed each time the two asked him to finish practice early. Tried so hard, yet he was never truly angry with them. And something about the joy on their faces as they recalled their time spent at the park warmed his heart all too much.
So the task for today was to suck it up and enjoy the play no matter what. Even if it requires being around those two eccentric upperclassmen...
The park greets them with its usual lively atmosphere. Children skipping about, their deafening laughter hitting your ears from all corners. Akito is pretty sure he’s just seen some kid, covered in ice cream from head to toe, run away from their yelling parent. Still, he found comfort in the familiarity of the amusement park. It doesn’t matter when you visit as the cheer will flow through it regardless of the time of the year.
Their group gradually moves closer to the far-away corner of the park. Weren’t Wonderlands x Showtime the one promoting Phoenix Wonderland? The idea of their stage being so far away from the entrance was simply ridiculous. Not that he’d voice it out, though. What’s a little distance to a man of sports, Akito thought.
He decided to ignore just how sore his legs were at that point. To his defence, he’s taken the time free from group practice to better his skills. Now that he thinks about it, maybe dancing for hours on end wasn’t his smartest choice. He can’t help but disregard the pain. The obvious progress makes everything else irrelevant.
The exhaustion enveloping his body as soon as he finishes practising? Just sleep it off. The agonising pain that makes it feel like his limbs are being twisted and turned one by one? Doesn’t matter, it will be gone in the morning.
Now was not the time to pity himself. Today was an important day for his friends. Suck it up.
People have already started gathering around the stage. Finding a free space on one of the many benches would’ve imposed quite a challenge hadn’t they had seats reserved. They weren’t the honorary guests for nothing.
Now… he doesn’t think he’s ever seen this many visitors around Wonder Stage. Seems like today’s play was a big deal. But who is he judge? It’s not like he comes here often, anyway. Maybe a full house is a normal thing for the troupe?
The audience went silent as soon as the show began. He thought it was impressive how the chatter died down almost instantly.
For one, plays weren’t his thing. But as characters started entering the scene one at a time he found himself invested. The music and the acting were all down to a tee. He was only slightly irritated when he couldn’t find a single flaw in the choreography. Their movements were sharp yet soft where it was needed.
A pang of jealousy hits his chest.
Of course, good performance requires meticulous training and patience. He tries his best to execute just that but still… his mind wanders off to that day.
“Your teammates are all more talented than you realise and they may even become first-rate performers in their own right in time. But it's too hard for me to believe that you'll be up there with them when that time comes.”
He’d promised everyone that he was over it. He knew he'd got his team beside him. But those words still stuck. He will always be outdone in one way or another. It was an undeniable fact.
He was wallowing for so long he didn’t even notice the play come to an end. Well, if it wasn’t embarrassing.
At least, he managed to join the round of applauses that took over after the curtain fell.
He wanted to go home. Lock himself up in his room so no one could see him like this. He was sure he looked nothing short of pathetic.
He was forcibly pulled out of his thoughts with a heavy slap to his shoulder.
“What the hell, Akito!” An exclaimed.
“What?” He was a little baffled by the urgency in her voice.
“You didn’t react to us calling your name until An slapped you.” Kohane chimed in.
Oh. Was he that distraught?
“Are you okay?” Toya asked. Naturally, he’d be the one to ask that. Sometimes he knew Akito more than the latter knew himself.
He can’t ruin the day with the truth. He’s not okay, but that will have to wait.
“Sure!” He feigns an optimistic tone. “Shouldn’t we be going?”
He hopes his signature smile, albeit fake, makes them worry less about him. They will unpack this some other today.
For now, they have to meet the troupe.
The show was good even if he missed the other half of it. So, congratulations were due.
Members of the audience started leaving the venue without a hurry, taking the time to discuss the play. The enthusiasm in their voices must’ve indicated it was a real hit. He tries to catch any details in case someone asks him if he liked the story. After all, he was all too focused on analysing everything but that. Was there a fight scene?
Dread wasn’t something he felt often. However, the idea of going backstage made him feel uneasy.
It wasn’t even that serious, was it?
They’ve done this a thousand times. Go in, say the play was good, and leave. The excitement in the air must’ve made him feel more anxious than he should.
No matter. Someone called them in, and so it was their cue to move.
Now, it’s true that the stage was old . No amount of renovation could hide it. But the creaking of wood as they walked made his ears hurt.
Thankfully, it didn't last long. They noticed Emu approaching them.
“Hiiiii! Did you guys like the show?” She smiled so widely, her chaotic energy tangible in the air around her. He wondered if her cheeks ever hurt from the amount of smiling she did.
“Emu, it was amazing! I liked the sword fight scene! There was so much action!” To hear An sound so excited over a play… Well, you discover something new every day.
“Uh-huh! It was just like you said it would be,” and then Kohane proceeds to formulate a sentence combining a bunch of sounds, which receives a nod of agreement from Emu. “I enjoyed it so much! I’m glad we could help you.”
“Same for me. It was fantastic.” Toya’s response was as reserved as ever.
“Yay! Thank you soooooo much, guys!” Emu said as she latched onto them.
“What about you, Akito?” Rui shifted everyone’s attention to him. Oh, god.
“I liked it. The choreography… was exceptionally good.” At least he was honest in his words.
“Waaaaaaaaaa!!! You think so!?” Emu asks as the light dances about in her eyes.
“Yeah…” he starts scratching his neck out of discomfort. He wished he’d paid attention to the story more rather than scrutinise the dance. “You must’ve put a lot of effort into this show.”
“Thank you.” Nene seemed to appear out of nowhere.
All he manages to get out of himself as a reply is, “You’re welcome.”
He needed to go outside. He felt so awful he wanted to rip his skin off.
He throws a quick “I’ll be back,” before getting out of Emu’s grip and running to the nearest exit.
The scene before his eyes is new. These trees… So this must be the end of the park’s area?
He lets himself take it in. Until he hears a... sob?
Someone was sitting on the small wooden bench, curled up into themselves.
The hair... Wasn’t this?..
There was no doubt he was crying, his body shaking and quiet sobs escaping his mouth.
Suddenly, Akito felt even tenser. Today wasn’t his day for sure.
He is lost. Should he talk to the guy? Seeing the usually cheerful Tsukasa Tenma cry bothered him, even though he wasn't doing well himself. Something was wrong.
It’s worth a shot.
“Tsukasa?” The older boy lifts his head with concerning speed. His eyes widened immediately.
“Akito?!” He hurries to wipe his tears away. “Haha, what are you doing here?”
Akito could sense the other's distress. It was pretty obvious. The strained voice and the pale look on Tsukasa's face when he spotted him; the smile that was plastered on his face didn't even come close to reaching his eyes.
“Uh, the air was too stuffy over there,” he points to the door, “needed to get out. And… you?” He doesn’t want to pry, but he can’t leave it at that either.
“Ah, same reason.” Somehow, Akito feels it’s a lie.
“You good?” It may be a silly question considering the barely dried tears in the other’s eyes, but he goes for it anyway.
“Why, of course! It just so happened you caught me in a moment of weakness.” The absence of his usual demeanour was concerning. There was no exaggeration or theatrics in his body language.
Something inside Akito’s brain screams at him to sit right next to the guy. Maybe it’s impulsive, but he moves closer.
“May I?” He asks, pointing to the bench.
“Yeah! Yeah.” Tsukasa scurries away to make up some space.
The bench wasn’t as big as those next to the stage. They were mere inches away from one another, sitting in complete silence. Not that it’s awkward, just a bit tense.
Seeing Tenma’s face devoid of any of its characteristic happiness was one thing. It wasn’t unusual to see him wear the expression of a kicked puppy, especially when he got reprimanded by the teachers at school. But seeing tears silently fall from his eyes was new.
Akito’s chest felt heavy. He couldn’t believe this was the same Tsukasa Tenma that he knew. But who is he to say anything? He’s just like that, too.
Confident and bold around others, yet a weeping mess when alone.
Maybe they weren’t all that different.
“Um... do you want to talk about it?” He tries again. He dislikes how his words come out shaky.
He decides he won’t push if he’s met with a no.
“I- I don’t…” Well, it was expected, “... know”.
Oh.
“It’s okay. Don’t feel pressured to.”
“No, ah. I'd like to, but I don't want to bother you... I’m sure you- you have your worries.” Tsukasa felt ashamed for stuttering. How unbefitting of a future star.
“I do,” Akito says softly, “but talking it out might help you feel better, and I'm willing to listen.”
The boy considers it for a second. “W-why?”
Akito wished he knew.
He wished he knew why he cared about this so much; why he couldn’t take seeing Tsukasa so sad; why he wanted to comfort him and make sure they both left the park with smiles on their faces.
He wished he knew. But he didn’t. And he doesn’t feel like lying.
“I don’t know. But I want to help if I can.”
The other stares at him in disbelief. He wasn't always the friendliest to Tsukasa, so it's only fair that such words left him speechless.
“Please don’t tell anyone.” He averts his gaze to the side.
“Promise.”
“I didn’t do my best today,” Tsukasa says, taking a second to think before he continues, “I messed everything up.” He struggles to keep his tears from spilling out again and lets out a shuddered breath. “I- my singing, it… It was off-key too many times to count. I almost tripped during one of the scenes. I could’ve fallen and ruined the entire show.”
He can’t restrain himself anymore and gives in. His cheeks become wet as tears trickle down from his eyes. “I always mess up,” he cries, “always. Not a single one of our shows goes by without me screwing something up.”
He pauses, considering whether he should say more. “They are so much better than me. They were made for this. For the stage, for the thrill of it. I’m holding them back.” He says, his voice barely above a whisper.
A knot forms in Akito’s stomach.
“Tsukasa…” Words fail him. So much for wanting to help.
“No-no, it’s okay! Don’t worry! You don’t have to-”
“I get it.” He cuts in.
“What?”
“I get it. Probably more than you think.” He anxiously bites his lip. “I feel the same way about my group. And… myself.”
They sit in silence once again, their minds racing with thoughts. Both of them felt as though they were at a complete loss for words.
Until Tsukasa, too exhausted to cry now, decides to speak up. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?” Akito's expression grew solemn.
“If you know what it feels like… then you must be carrying that heaviness in your chest with you, too,” he sighs, “and that irrational… jealousy.”
Akito found himself astounded. He felt understood.
Knowing that he wasn't alone in feeling this way was very comforting to him. But to think Tsukasa shared that same feeling... it stung.
Akito draws in a big breath. Perhaps by doing what he is about to do, he will feel relieved.
“Every time we practice or perform,” he sighs, “I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to reach them. We’ve talked about this before, and they’ve been a great support along the way but… I lack tremendously in comparison to them.” He shakes his head.
What Arata said back then…
“Someone told me they couldn’t imagine me on the same stage with my team in the future.” Tsukasa gasped.
The sharpness of those words has long since faded for Akito. He hadn't been repeating them like a mantra in his head for nothing.
“It’s been months. I should’ve gotten over it by now but...” He droops his head and looks down at his feet.
“Akito- I’m so sorry.” Tsukasa sobs.
“It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” He turns to look at the boy sitting next to him. "I wanted you to know why I could understand how you feel. Went through the same thing.”
He hopes it sounds genuine. It was embarrassing to talk about these feelings with someone he wasn’t close to.
“Akito,” a pause, “thank you.“ The older boy smiles. It still won’t reach his eyes, but that’s enough for now.
They didn't move for a moment there, just letting their heads cool off.
In the meantime, the sky turned a lovely mixture of pink and blue as the sun was about to set.
Tsukasa occupies himself by wiping his eyes and styling his hair to make it look more put together. His red eyes were surrounded by a smudged mess of makeup. A slight rosiness was present on his cheeks. Akito couldn’t tell whether that was blush or natural. At this point, it might be a mix of both.
He found it strange to be so at ease in Tenma's presence. But that was something to think over later.
The peaceful atmosphere was disturbed by the sound of his phone vibrating.
Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt.
Tsukasa looked at him, puzzled.
“Aren’t you going to answer?”
Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt. It wouldn't stop.
“Ah, sorry.” He responds and pulls his phone from his pocket.
The notifications kept piling up. It was getting late, too.
Shiraishi, 21:15
where are YOUUUUU
akito
Hey
Shiraishi, 21:18
did u leave just to DIE?
wow
Shiraishi, 21:20
rest in peace my guy
i’ll make sure to bring a dog plushie to ur gravestone so u are hunted by dogs even in the afterlife
Toya, 21:17
We’ll be waiting for you by the entrance.
I hope you’re okay!
Kohane’s phone died.
She hopes you are okay, too.
Those guys… He feels the corners of his mouth go up against his will.
“Should we get going?” Tsukasa asks and gets to his feet before extending a hand Akito’s way.
He was a little surprised by the gesture but accepted it anyway.
“How do you feel?” Akito asks once he’s back on his feet.
“Much better. Thank you.” Tsukasa squeezes his hand before letting go.
With their hearts and minds at peace, they slowly make their way back to the stage. Akito finds this feeling of relief new, but not unpleasant.