Archive of Our Own

16^th December 2021

It was snowing in Texas.

Carlos was driving home from the New Florence Police Station after a long shift when the large, cottony, white flakes started to fall. It was still just a gentle flurry when he pulled up outside his house and it hadn’t started to lie yet. He turned his collar up against the chill night air but stopped in the middle of his driveway, letting his head drop back and sticking out his tongue, trying to catch snowflakes. He was relieved he wasn’t due on shift for three whole days; it was much easier to enjoy the snow when he knew he didn’t have to handle the general population of a small Texan town and their inevitable unpreparedness. He spared a sympathetic thought for his buddies working traffic as he unlocked his front door and stepped inside.

It wasn’t a big house and it wasn’t in the best location, right on the edge of town, and even still he had needed his parents help with the down payment, but it was his and it was home. The front door opened straight into an open plan living/kitchen/dining area and right opposite the narrow staircase that led up to his bedroom, an almost laughably small bathroom and a little box room that he could never quite understand the purpose of because it wasn’t much bigger than a closet.

He loved it.

He loved that the oven was temperamental and would either take an age to cook something or would burn it to a crisp if he took his eyes off for a second. He loved his secondhand sofas and the strategically placed throws and pillows that hid the spots where the leather was almost worn through. He was the only one who could get the temperature of the shower just right and he knew exactly how to jiggle the window in his bedroom so that it would open.

He loved that his parents lived a few streets away and that his mom had obviously stopped by earlier that day to put his heating on so that it would be warm for him getting home and put boxed up leftovers in his fridge in case he didn’t feel like cooking.

Maybe to some people it would look like his life was small but to Carlos it was bliss. He knew everyone in town and everyone knew him and he enjoyed his work as a patrol officer. He felt like he was actually making a difference, really helping people. It wasn’t glamourous or prestigious and no one would ever write adoring multi-page articles about it, but it was good and it was enough.

For Carlos, it was more than enough.

He changed into sweats and then busied himself with heating up a plate of food, sniffing a half empty bottle of wine before pouring out a large glass with a shrug. It hadn’t been particularly great wine to begin with and a week sitting opened on his shelf had done nothing to improve the taste, but it would do. All he had planned for the evening was curling up in front of a movie and eating the entire box of holiday chocolates he had been given that day at work. Slightly off wine seemed like the perfect pairing for that, if he was honest.

As he brushed his teeth over the bathroom sink later that night he watched the thickening swirl of snow outside the window and wondered if the weather would last; it would be nice if it stuck around for Christmas, his nieces would love that.

Carlos thought back to the, admittedly few, times in his life there had been an actual white Christmas and when he caught his reflection in the mirror he realized he was smiling. Thinking about it brought back other memories though, memories of him, and those only made him alternately fiercely angry and desperately sad so he shook his head at his mirror self, spat out the excess toothpaste and took himself to bed.

He tried to pretend that his bed didn’t feel a little too big that night.  

A thousand miles away, at LAX, TK Strand got on his third flight of the day.

It was the tenth flight he had taken that month alone; he tried not to think about his carbon footprint too much, deluding himself that paying to offset it actually made a difference.

He was tired. Not that being tired was anything new to him, the life of an international movie star at the peak of his fame was not known for its restfulness, but this time it was different. This kind of fatigue came with a hopelessness that didn’t seem surmountable.

In the past he would have ridden this feeling out with a needle in his arm and some nameless, faceless, sign-this-NDA-on-the-way-out hook up, but not anymore. This new TK was clean cut, out and proud, and more in demand, more profitable than ever; the bad boy turned good sold and it sold well.

He shouldn’t complain, it was his dream come true.

He was glad he was clean and grateful for the second chance. Acting was his passion, and he really did love it, but it was gruelling and his schedule had been unforgiving.

Now he had two weeks off and it had been decided he should spend them with family.

‘It’s great optics; the devoted son, good southern boy, those family values!’

The fact that he was originally from New York and that the only family he had in Texas was his dad didn’t matter, it was what he needed to show after… well, after everything.

So TK finished up promotion for his latest movie in Berlin, got on a plane to London for a photoshoot and then finally departed for LA. He was now on route to Austin, Texas. From there it would only be a four-hour car journey to New Florence (population circa 3000).

There, his team assured him, he could relax, rejuvenate and prepare for his next role. Oh, and not forget to post a minimum of two social media posts or stories a day. Preferably Christmas themed, even though everyone knew TK was Jewish.

Some break.

Regardless, TK was looking forward to seeing his dad and for all its flaws New Florence had a quaint beauty to it that could be well framed on Instagram so it shouldn’t be too onerous a task and maybe he would see Carlos and…

He cut off his train of thought there. Of course he would see Carlos, in a town that size it was unavoidable, but it wouldn’t matter.

Carlos was well and truly lost to him.

12^th December 1999

It wasn’t right, TK huffed to himself, as he stared out over the dry expanse of their back yard. Even though he was only six years old TK knew that winter should be cold. There should be snow and twinkling fairy lights, not cloudless blue skies and a bright warm sun.

TK wished he was still in New York with his mom. Not here in stupid Texas with his stupid dad.

He kicked at the ground, brushing away angry tears with the back of his hand.

So what if they could have a big garden here? And his dad had promised him they could get a dog when he got settled in at work. It would never be the same.

The guys at his dad’s firehouse in New York all cared about him and they knew what kind of cookies he liked best and they let him play in the trucks. What if this new team thought he was annoying? What if they didn’t want him hanging around all the time? Who would he play with now?

He just about understood that his parents were divorced and that’s why his mom moved out. It was better than the fighting he supposed. He did not get why he had had to move to Texas though. He knew his mom travelled a lot for work, and that he would spend every summer with her in New York and that she would come to New Florence whenever she could in between business trips but…

His lip started to wobble and he tried to fight back against the full blown sobs that were sitting somewhere in his chest. Boys didn’t cry. That’s what his first-grade teacher had always told him anyway.

It sucked.

He loved his dad but he missed his mom and grandma. He missed New York and there was nothing in this weird little down that would ever compete.

Except maybe Carlos.

Carlos was in his grade at school and on his first day there, when he had been feeling lost and intimidated, had come over and asked him if he wanted to play. Now they played at break every day – they didn’t even need to ask anymore it was just a given – and they sat next to each other at lunch and sometimes Carlos came over to the house too.

There had never been anyone like Carlos in New York

17^th December 2021

It was nearly 2am when TK parked his hire car in the driveway of his dad’s house. It had been a horrible drive, especially the last hour or so when the snow had been falling thick and fast. He was glad whoever had booked his car had gone for a monstrously sized 4-wheel drive and not a coupe.

There were lights on downstairs and TK hoped his dad wasn’t waiting up for him. He was not feeling up for conversation.

Mustering the last of his energy he pulled his suitcase out of the trunk and dragged it behind him up the steps.

It was a nice house; the same one they had moved to when he was just six years old. His dad had refused all his offers to buy him somewhere new.

 Old, with big white windows and a wraparound porch complete with swing, it even had a white picket fence around the front garden. TK could imagine how many likes a photo of this house would get. Then he thought how wild his engagement would go if he shared the wall in the living room that was adorned entirely with photos of his childhood or the marks in the bathroom that charted his height as he grew.

His social media manager would love it.

He knew he would never do it though, not when the thought alone made him feel a little sick. Of course his fans already knew where he grew up; he had talked in interviews about his life in small town Texas, how it fuelled him with a desire to escape, to achieve more and always push himself. He had played on the southern charm stereotype or exploited a cowboy rough and ready image whenever it suited him. 

It was all true, in a way, but it was also a carefully cultivated image that was both a weapon and a defence and to share anything genuinely intimate with his millions of followers would be far too perilous. It had repercussions. He had learnt that the hard way.

His dad, thankfully, was not still up. He had left out a plate of cupcakes on the kitchen table, however, next to a hastily scribbled ‘welcome home TK’ note. There was a helium balloon tied to the back of one of the chairs. It said ‘Birthday Boy’, but he still appreciated the effort.

He snapped a quick picture of the set-up, just for himself, and stuck a finger in the icing of a cupcake. Neither his diet nor his training regime allowed for late night confectionary, but he savoured the sugary sweet smear of cream on his tongue and fantasised about what the rest of the cake might taste like. Since he figured they were from the only bakery in town, and it hadn’t changed ownership in the entire time his dad had lived here, he knew it would be amazing.

You didn’t get a physique that gets oiled and put on the front cover of Men’s Health without will power however and TK knew how to deny himself. He bypassed the temptation and poured himself a glass of water instead, chugging it down until he could almost convince himself that he wasn’t hungry.

Completely drained by now he didn’t even bother to unpack, just removed his jeans and collapsed into the bed in his old room, just one more thing about this place that never changed, and fell fast asleep.

Carlos hated waking up early on his days off, but it was 07.30am and he was wide awake with an ever so slight wine head that made it uncomfortable to laze in bed. He deliberated going for a run until he remembered the snow the night before. One look out of the window confirmed that he was not going to be running anywhere.

A thick blanket of snow had settled over the street. It was currently undisturbed, no footprints or tyre treads to suggest any of his neighbours had ventured out yet. It was quiet, dampened with the kind of stillness that only snow brought. It was beautiful.

He knew there would be chaos today, that he would go and check on his parents later and do the rounds of the towns elderly to make sure everyone was ok, but just for one moment he wanted to bask in the solitude of the wonderland his average street had been transformed into.

He did groan when he noticed his Camaro was buried under the same foot of snow that seemed so magical everywhere else. So he wasn’t going to be driving anywhere today either; served him right for buying an impractical two door sports car instead of an SUV like his dad had suggested.

Trudging through snow was much harder than Carlos remembered it being and he didn’t really understand why his pants were soaked to above his knees when the snow only came up to his ankles but despite all that he was having a good day.

His cheeks were flushed from exertion and the tip of his nose was growing colder and colder so he pulled his hat down further over his ears and rubbed his hands together.

He had stopped in at his parent’s house and after being reassured they were fine, and having several more layers of clothes added by his mother, he was sent out with a list of addresses of potentially vulnerable town residents.

He was unsurprised when halfway through his list he ran into Michelle coming out of Mr Morrisons house. Michelle was his best friend. She was a paramedic and their paths had crossed at work often enough for there to be no awkwardness when they met equally as regularly at the bar in town. Michelle had been a few years above him in school and he had always known her sister Iris better. In fact it had been Iris’ disappearance and the search for her that had truly cemented their friendship. Carlos had been barely out of the academy at the time, but he had been persistent with his superiors about the investigation. It had garnered him a lot of respect when he had been proved right and she had been found alive exactly where he had predicted.  She lived in an institution upstate now. Michelle visited every week.

“Hey sweetie,” Michelle called in her sing song voice as she approached him, “Nice hat. Mama Reyes knit you that?”

“You’re just jealous,” Carlos said, returning her good-natured teasing tone.

“Not so, kiddo” she replied, pulling a matching hat out her coat pocket and tugging it down over her dark hair.

Carlos laughed as they linked arms and slowly picked their way up the street. “When did she give you that?”

“This morning,” Michelle said gleefully, “when I went to check on her and your dad. She had a whole bunch of them already. Does she just start knitting at the first sign of snow?”

“Pretty much.” Carlos felt a warm glow in his chest at the knowledge that his friend had taken the time to check on his parents. He nodded his head in the direction of Mr Morrisons house. “So I’m guessing she has you on the same assignment as me then?”

“Yup, and old Morris was his usual ray of sunshine self by the way. Called me a nosy tart but his heating is on and his fridge is stocked.” She rolled her eyes at him, “With food and beer so he’ll be fine.”

They ambled on, choosing to walk on the road since there were no cars. It seemed like the whole town was at a standstill today; kids were having snowball fights in the streets and some people were attempting to shovel snow from their driveways, but most people were holed up in their homes enjoying an excuse to call out from work.

It really was a bit magical, Carlos thought as they came up towards one of the only buildings in town that was more active than usual.

The firehouse of ladder 126 was famous in Texas. It was one of the oldest in the state for one thing, and then there had been the tragedy. Carlos didn’t remember it too well, he had only been 4 or 5 at the time, but he knew that it had shaken the whole town. Almost the entire crew had been killed in a factory explosion. They still held a memorial service every year.

It had been a big scandal when they brought in some hot-shot fire captain from New York to rebuild it. Not that anyone would admit it now. If asked, everyone pretended that Owen and TK Strand had been welcomed with open arms.

Oh TK.

Carlos could feel Michelle’s eyes on him as he stared up at the ornate façade of the firehouse, his fingers subconsciously playing with the gold chain around his neck. Owen had retained its period charm on the outside but he knew it was modern and homely inside. He’d spent a fair amount of time there growing up, not that he liked to think about that anymore.

“So,” Michelle said, dragging out the word until she had Carlos’ full attention, “When were you going to mention that TK Strand is back?”

“What?” Carlos said, inhaling sharply in shock and coughing as his lungs were assaulted by the sudden blast of icy air.

Michelle’s eyes were searching his face, looking unconvinced. “Yeah, Owen has barely talked about anything else for weeks. I figured TK would have told you he was coming to visit.”

Carlos’ heart started to thud painfully in his chest and there was a ringing in his ears as he tried to process Michelle’s words.

“TK’s here? In New Florence?” Carlos finally spluttered out. His world seemed to be spinning on its axis and he had to wonder if there would ever be a time TK didn’t have this effect on him.

“Yeah, he got in last night. He posted on Instagram this morning.” Carlos must have looked properly surprised because she sounded concerned when she asked, “You really didn’t know?”

“No,” Carlos sighed deeply, his breath fogging out in front of him, as he stared at his feet, “He didn’t tell me.”

“Oh,” was the only response Michelle had and after a few moments she linked arms with him again and started to gently lead him away.

So what if TK was visiting his dad, he didn’t need to let Carlos know he was coming. Maybe it was just a flying visit anyway. Maybe he wasn’t staying very long, and he didn’t want to tell anyone because he wouldn’t have time to see them. He couldn’t lie to himself though, he was disappointed. He felt betrayed, and hurt, but he was not surprised. Not after the last time.

Carlos, lost in thought, was watching his heavy boots push a path through the deepening snow until something clicked and brought him back to the present. His head snapped up and he glared at Michelle, “Wait, why do you still follow him on Instagram?”

24^th December 2008

“TK I don’t think we should be here,” Carlos said, grabbing TK’s hand and trying to pull him back. “If we are late for midnight mass again this year my mom will kill me!”

“Relax, it’s fine, we used to come up here all the time,” TK replied, grinning down at Carlos as he continued his ascent up the ladder.

“Yeah, when we were kids,” Carlos grumbled but he still followed TK up into the old tree house. TK’s dad had built it as a surprise for his 8^th birthday and he and Carlos had spent many a summer up there fighting off dragons, enemy soldiers and the dreaded plague carried by girls. It had always seemed pretty sturdy, an excellent fortress against the world, but that had been when they were two scrawny children; it had never been tested with the weight of two burly 15-year-olds who had recently discovered team sports. “Are you sure it’s safe?”

“Come here,” TK said, taking his hand and pulling Carlos up and into his side. He kissed him gently on the lips and then again on his cheek. “Stop worrying, sweetheart.”

Carlos blushed and nuzzled into TK’s neck. This was all new; the kissing and the pet names and the hand holding.

TK had been his best friend since the day he had arrived in first grade, all bright and shiny and with knowledge of a world outside of New Florence that Carlos had never even been able to dream of. They had been inseparable ever since.

Something had changed that summer though. Their other friends were getting girlfriends and the talk in the locker room after football games was pretty much exclusively confined to boobs and girls and who had hooked up with who at last weekend’s party. Maybe the first week after a new video game had come out some of the guys expressed an interest but inevitably someone would bring up the scantily clad females the gameplay offered up and the conversation would swing back to who had gotten further, both in the game and with an actual real-life girl.

Carlos usually laughed along but neither him nor TK had anything to contribute. They went to the parties obviously, because everyone did. Even the nerdy kids. It wasn’t a big enough school to bother excluding anyone. They got drunk on cheap beers if someone had convinced an older sibling to go to the liquor store for them or passed around plastic bottles of rum or vodka snuck from a parent’s stash and replaced with water. They danced to Katy Perry and Rihanna songs and sometimes Carlos would kiss whatever girl ended up draped over him, but it never went further.

He had started to worry there was something wrong with him because he didn’t want it to go further and every other guy seemed to be obsessing over how to get girls to go all the way.

Except TK.

TK never even tried to kiss the girls that were so obviously flirting with him. Carlos always chickened out of asking him why when they found themselves alone together at the end of every night; the last two up after everyone had coupled off and disappeared into bedrooms or walking home together to TK’s empty house if his dad was on a night shift and they knew there was no one there to catch them coming home drunk.

Until one night, as they meandered back to TK’s, taking the long way through the community park, he blurted it out. The thought had been eating at him for weeks, the fear that he had malfunctioning biology or something that made him not attracted to girls, some wire crossed in his brain because when he touched himself the hands, lips, bodies he imagined where definitely not female.

“I think I’m a freak,” he said.

They had stopped to sit on the swings. They weren’t swinging, just rocking gently back and forwards, feet scuffing on the grass, and it was so dark he could barely make out TK beside him. His soft laugh seemed to float across to him on the humid night air.

“I’m serious TK, I think there is something wrong with me,” Carlos whispered.

TK wrapped one hand around the chain of Carlos’ swing, just above his own tightly curled fist, and pulled him closer. “How so?”

“When I kissed Lori tonight,” he said slowly, “I didn’t really feel anything, you know? I didn’t feel what I think you’re supposed to feel.”

 “And how do you think you’re supposed to feel?” TK said, inching his foot over and pressing it gently against his. When he shifted his hand on the chain his pinkie brushed against the back of Carlos’ hand. It sent electricity pulsing through his veins.

Like this, Carlos thought with a stuttering heart.

“I dunno,” he mumbled, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. He licked his lips. “I just don’t think it was her I wanted to be kissing. I don’t think I like girls in that way.”

His confession seemed to hang in the air between them and for a moment hope surged within Carlos like a wave only to come crashing down as TK remained silent next to him.

He hung his head and felt the hot prickle of shame, tears stinging in his eyes. Vision swimming he leapt up and started to walk away embarrassed, and terrified, that he might have just lost his best friend.

“Carlos wait,” TK called, running after him. He caught up quickly and stopped him with a hand pressed against his chest. Carlos stared down at his feet, he couldn’t bring himself to look TK in the eye. “Please look at me? Carlos?”

Slowly, he raised his head. TK’s face was inches away, his green eyes were wide and earnest, and his breaths were coming out in great puffs. Carlos could feel it on his cheeks.

 “Kiss me.” TK sounded almost winded when he spoke. “Kiss me and tell me how it feels.”

He hesitated for a second, sure it must be a joke or some kind of trap. But TK would never…

Carlos closed the distance between them and slowly, tentatively, just barely brushed his lips against TK’s. It sent tingles down his spine. He pressed his lips more firmly and then suddenly they were moving, TK’s following along with him. He became aware that his hands were just hanging uselessly by his side so he raised them up, looping one arm around TK’s waist as his other hand cupped the back of his head. TK was pushing his chin up into the kiss and their mouths opened, tongues stroking against each other.

It was nothing like kissing Lori, or any other girl for that matter. Carlos felt it in his whole body. It felt right. It felt like he wanted more.

A dog barking in the distance startled them and they jumped apart, Carlos looking around frantically to make sure no one had seen them, but the park was still deserted. He was dazed and his lips were numb. He pressed his fingers to them, like he would still feel TK there.

They stared at each other. TK looked worried and he was tugging on the bottom of his shirt, pulling it down over his crotch.

Carlos wanted to tell him he thought he was beautiful. He wanted to tell him that he was an amazing kisser. He wanted to ask if he could kiss him again.

Instead he giggled.

He slapped his hand over his mouth again but it was too late, TK had already heard it.

Then TK laughed too. And it didn’t matter if anyone was watching them now because if they were all they would see was two teenage boys, a little tipsy, laughing and hanging off each other.

They spent the rest of the walk back in silence, but their hands kept brushing and every time they caught each other’s eye they both broke out into shy grins.

It was a different story once they made it back to TK’s house though.

Carlos stood stiffly in TK’s bedroom, suddenly nervous. TK was downstairs making them tea and toast as was their standard post-party ritual and normally Carlos would have already settled onto his side of TK’s bed. They had been sharing beds for years without any issue, and Carlos had never thought twice about it, but now he was staring down at the familiar bed clothes with a lump in his throat and a tightening in his pants.

TK’s bed felt dangerous.

He sat on the floor, knees pulled firmly up against his chest, and waited.

TK kicked open the door, a plate stacked high with toast in one hand while his other hand gripped both mugs. He had a half-eaten slice of toast hanging out of his mouth and Carlos watched as a drop of melted butter worked its way down his chin.

He could feel himself blushing as TK carefully placed the dishes on the ground between them and settled in across from him with his legs crossed. TK tore the toast from between his teeth and rubbed his chin with the back of his hand before licking a stripe up the edge of his wrist where the oozing butter was starting to run.

Carlos was never going to look at toast in the same way ever again.

They finished eating and sat nursing their mugs, the only sound the occasional slurp when one of them took a sip.  Eventually, unable to bear the silence any longer, TK cleared his throat and said, “So, I’m gay.”

Carlos had just taken a big gulp of tea and he almost choked on it.

“Just, you know, in case you were wondering,” TK said, leaning over to pat Carlos on the back as he coughed and spluttered. “Totally gay. Massive fucking poofter. Full on fairy queen.”

He said it in a jokey tone, but Carlos knew him well enough to sense the undercurrent of bitter defiance there; like he was daring Carlos, or anyone else, to call him that.

“How long have you known?”

TK was still rubbing his back and he didn’t ask him to stop.

“Always. Kind of. But for sure since May 2006.”

Carlos smiled at the oddly specific detail. “What happened in May 2006?”

TK shifted closer to him, so they were sat side by side with their backs pressed against the bed. “Do you remember that night we all went to Ben’s house to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD, before the second movie came out?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, when everyone was talking about Keira Knightly in that corset I was having a bit of a crisis over… well, over Captain Jack Sparrow. And I realised all the times I had, like, stared at these men it wasn’t because I wanted to be them. I wanted to…you know… with them.”

Carlos let out an involuntary giggle and TK’s eyes flashed with hurt as he turned away. “Please don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not,” Carlos said instantly. TK looked at him warily. “I promise I’m not. I’m just…”

He was recalibrating. Memories flashed across his mind, new meanings suddenly accessible to him now that he was allowing himself to admit the truth.

“It’s the same…for me…I think. I mean not Captain Jack, but…Orlando Bloom.”

He remembered watching Elizabeth kiss Will Turner and feeling desire, but now he was being honest he knew it wasn’t because he wanted Keira Knightly. He wanted to be her, he wanted to be kissing Orlando Bloom. Then he thought of Legolas sliding down stone steps firing off arrows and he groaned, surreptitiously pressing a hand over his groin as he dropped his head onto his knees.

“Legolas.”

“What?”

“Legolas.”

“Ok”

 “Oh god, I’m gay too.”

Without saying a word TK took one of his hands in his and just held it there, letting Carlos just sit with his revelation.

After a while Carlos rocked his head to the side and peaked at TK; he was sat staring contemplatively off into space, sucking on his lower lip as his thumb rubbed circles into Carlos’ palm.

“TK, can I ask you something?” Carlos said quietly.

He was so lost in thought that it made him jump, but he turned to look at Carlos and smiled warmly. “Of course, anything.”

“Aren’t you scared?”

TK’s brow furrowed, “Scared? Of what?”

“That it’s…sinful.” Carlos closed his eyes, almost more embarrassed to admit to his faith than to his sexuality. “I’m afraid I’m going to go to hell for this.”

He felt TK move and then there were hands on his face and knees pressed against his feet. “Carlos listen to me, there is nothing sinful about how we feel. Whatever anyone else might tell you, it’s not wrong or dirty or shameful.”

He sounded so vehement. Carlos wished he could be half as sure.

“Carlos please.” There was a twinge of desperation to TK’s voice. “I need to hear you say it. Tell me you know it’s ok.”

Carlos opened his eyes. His skin burned where TK’s hands held his face and he found in that moment he couldn’t care less about his immortal soul, not when TK was looking at him with so much fire.

“It didn’t feel wrong when I was kissing you,” Carlos said, and he touched TK’s lips with the tips of his fingers. “It felt…right. Good. TK. I want…”

“Yes, Carlos, tell me what you want,” TK said breathily, already rocking forwards on his knees.

“I want to kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.”

It felt even more right the second time.

So yes the kissing was new, but they were still the same old TK and Carlos they had always been. They played football and hung out at each other’s houses after school and nobody every suspected anything was going on because they had always done everything together.

They kept it a secret and Carlos pretended he wasn’t terrified of what would happen if anyone found out. He pretended he didn’t feel guilty or shameful every Sunday when he went to Church with his family.

“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” TK said, as they stood swaying in the middle of their tree house. Their safe harbour.

“I was just thinking about the first time we kissed,” he replied, looking up at TK with what he was sure was an embarrassingly adoring expression.

TK kissed the tip of his nose and grinned, “You big sap. But funny you should say that.” He turned away and started to root through one of the old crates in the corner. “Because I have been thinking about that night too, which is why… aha!”

He spun back around, hiding something behind his back, his face the picture of glee as he took a step towards Carlos. “Which is why I brought us here, because I wanted to find this.”

With a grand flourish he presented Carlos with a little figurine. It was barely 3 inches tall and made from cheap plastic and it might have come free with a Burger King meal but it made Carlos’ heart swell with affection.

“Merry Christmas Carlos,” TK said, pressing the Legolas toy into his hand as he kissed him again.

17^th December 2021

TK woke up confused and disorientated. It was a side effect of the constant travelling; he never stayed anywhere long, least of all at the very expensive, sprawling LA mansion he had been told was an essential investment. He couldn’t remember the last time he spent more than 10 days in the same place. Rehab, probably.  

Looking at his phone he groaned; it was only 7.30am. There was no way he was getting out of bed until at least noon.

He did take a few minutes to look out of his window though. His bedroom looked out over the back yard, where decking gave way to a rolling lawn that eventually led to a small cluster of trees. The bare branches meant he had an unobscured view of the old tree house his dad had built him (undoubtedly with the help of his fire crew- however much his father might deny it).  He couldn’t believe it was still standing, after all these years.

Today, with the pristine layer of white snow covering everything, it looked like Narnia. He took a photo and without bothering with a filter or caption he posted it to Instagram. He knew someone in his team would edit it for him and add some earnest tag line that would convince his fans he was deep and brooding but also grateful to be home and to be alive.

They’d never suspect that he was just tired.

He pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep.

The second time he woke up it was almost 4pm. At least this time he remembered where he was.

His room was exactly the same as it had been when TK had moved to LA at 18, right down to the posters on the wall; Green Day, a black and white James Dean with a quote about dreaming as if you’ll live forever, and an almost life size Legolas poster that he had actually given to Carlos for his 16^th birthday.

Carlos had been too scared to put it up in his own bedroom though which was why TK now found himself staring down the end of an elfish bow and arrow as he dragged himself out of bed and tried not to think about the blushing boy from his memories.

It was hopeless, however, because Carlos was everywhere in his room. Every game, book and toy on the shelves above his old rickety desk held Carlos’ touch, his laugh was encased in the stupid DVD box sets that were still piled up on the floor by the TV stand and in the bed… TK couldn’t bring himself to think about what Carlos had left in that bed.

He was in every single one of the photos still tacked to the wall. Some from birthdays and Halloween and other special occasions but most just from random days that TK couldn’t even remember. Like the pair of them in the garden in matching football jerseys, from the year TK had spent on the team before giving it up to focus on drama club, and group shots with their friends at some party or other – all long fringes brushed over faces and dorky drunken grins with flashes of braces on teeth. They were just blurry paper print outs of photos taken on a digital camera, edges curling up and faded from years of sun, but they still managed to radiate a hope and innocence that made TK want to cry.

He started to pull them all down, tearing them in his haste as he scrabbled frantically and leaving little fragments of paper stuck to the wall. He sat back down on the bed, breathing furiously and blinking back tears as he stroked the photo on the top of the crumpled pile in his hand.

It was a close up of him, Carlos and his mom, taken on one of her visits to New Florence when TK was about 13. She had her arms wrapped around both of them, her head sandwiched between theirs, all with matching big smiles and eyes squinted against the sun. They had been so happy that day.

It made his chest ache to look but he couldn’t stop. He missed them so much. He missed the feeling of invincibility he’d had, so sure of himself and secure in the abiding love that surrounded him.

A tear dropped onto the photo, bleeding the colours, and he hastily wiped at his eyes as he tucked the pictures carefully away in his desk drawer.

It was in the past now and it wouldn’t do to dwell. His mom was in New York, happily ensconced with her new husband and the half-brother he had yet to meet but who’s private nursery school he paid for, and Carlos was basically a stranger.

He could hear his dad pootling around in the kitchen below him and it made him smile. At least he still had him, and he had a whole two weeks to spend with him. He wasn’t going to waste it crying in his bedroom.

He paused on his way out of the room to take a picture of an old Action Man figure that was on his shelf, suddenly inspired to post his second Instagram of the day. His agent should be thrilled with this one, he thought, as he typed out his own caption.

Action Man > G.I Joe

He’d been sent the script for a live action movie based on the toy that was potentially in the works and, despite how ridiculous the story had been and how much it would deviate from his plans to be taken more seriously as an actor, he probably wouldn’t say no if he was offered it. No harm in sparking some rumours, anyway.

His dad’s face lit up when he walked into the kitchen and TK fell into his open arms with relief. When he pulled away he noticed his dad was studying his face carefully. Whatever he saw there seemed to satisfy him because he smiled and patted his cheek gently.

“Good to have you home, son,” he said as he pulled a jug out of the fridge and poured its contents into a glass. “Thought you were going to sleep the whole day.”

“Sorry,” TK mumbled as his dad set a peanut butter and banana smoothie down in front of him. “Jet lag.”

He took a long sip of the smoothie and felt a grin spread across his face as he did. His dad had been making him the same drink for breakfast since he was a kid. It tasted like rushed mornings before school and Sunday cartoons and in all the years of trying he had never managed to recreate it for himself.

“It’s no problem, I’m just sorry I have a shift on your first night back,” his dad said.

TK propped an elbow on the table and rest his head in his hand as he watched his dad move around the kitchen. He realised how much older he looked and felt a twinge of regret. He should have made more of an effort to see his dad regularly, he thought guiltily. You only got so much time.

“You do know that you’re supposed to stop going to work when you retire, right?” TK said cheekily.

“I just like to cover a few shifts every now and again, especially around the holidays. Give people a chance to spend time with their families,” he said and then his head snapped up. “I wouldn’t have taken it if I’d known you were coming, of course, but you didn’t give me much notice. I’m sure I could get other cover if you want me to stay?”

That would be a first, TK thought before internally chastising himself for the bitterness. It wasn’t fair on his dad, not really. Sure there had been a lot of times he hadn’t been there when he was growing up, but he had tried his best. Besides TK was in therapy now and had dealt with the ‘feelings of abandonment fostered by his perception that his father chose the firehouse over him’. Or whatever.

“It’s ok, seriously. I’ll probably just go back to bed anyway. I’m still really tired.” His voice sounded deflated, even to his own ears, and he busied himself in slurping up the last dregs of his drink in an effort to avoid his dad’s concerned looks.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Owen said, taking a seat at the table opposite TK. “But you should stop by tomorrow after shift. We were all planning on heading to the bar and I know everyone would love to see you.”

TK nodded non-committedly and played with his straw, using it to push a bit of banana around the bottom of the glass.

“Unless you already have plans? Maybe catching up with old friends…”

TK rolled his eyes, not for one minute falling for the innocent expression that his dad had adopted. “No Dad, I don’t have any plans to see Carlos while I’m in town,”

“Well, why not? I know he isn’t seeing anyone at the moment.”

“Dad,” TK scoffed and looked away again. His dad knew full well why he wasn’t going to see Carlos.

“TK, son, that was all years ago. And a lot has changed since then. I think Carlos would want to see you.”

A lot had happened since he had last seen Carlos, for sure. In fact, the Wikipedia page for TK Strand covered the intervening four years succinctly and accurately enough with the headings;

-Drug addiction

-Engagement

-Overdose

-Sobriety and Critical Acclaim.

So, yes, a lot had happened but that didn’t mean it had changed anything.

“Carlos…” TK bit his lip, surprised at how much it hurt to say his name out loud. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, dad. He made that pretty clear. And it’s not like he has tried to get in touch since.”

“And how exactly was he supposed to contact you, Mr Superstar,” Owen said, sounding frustrated. “You change your number so often I don’t even have it half the time.”

TK sat back in his chair and chewed on his lip sullenly. His dad was right of course, and he didn’t miss the jab; he had a list of people who were meant to be informed when his number changed but for some reason his team often seemed to miss his dad out.

“He could have DM’d me…”

He was being petulant and he knew it but there was something about being back in that house, sat at the table being lectured by his dad, that made him want to act like a spoilt teenager and not the spoilt adult that he was.

After a long silence his dad finally got up from the table and, with a firm hand resting on TK’s shoulder, he placed a kiss onto the top of his head. “Whatever you say kid. But for the record I think you’re making a mistake.”

His dad left to go to work not long after and TK went back to a bed that suddenly felt too empty.

24^th December 2000

“But mom,” Carlos whined, dragging out the word for full effect, “why can’t TK stay?”

“Because, Carlitos, it is Christmas Eve and TK has his own family,” Andrea Reyes replied without looking up from the tray of cookies she had just removed from the oven.

Carlos and TK had been helping her bake all day, although it had mostly involved eating the dough and making a lot of mess. “Just his dad. And he’s working so TK will have to stay at the fire house anyway and he says that if he tells his dad he can tell Santa that he’ll be here and he will still get his presents. He says Santa still visits him even though he is Jewish because his dad told him to and…”

“Ok, Ok,” his mom said with a flap of her hand and pursed lips.

(Andrea Reyes had certain opinions about the way Owen Strand raised his son– but she had been raised to bite her tongue and although her husband might notice the slight widening of her eyes when TK told stories that highlighted how much time was spent at the fire house and not at home no one else would ever guess that she was silently judging the man.)

 “We can ask Captain Strand if it’s ok when we drop these cookies off at the station. But if he says no then that is final, do you hear me?”

Carlos nodded, already excited about the prospect of more time with is best friend.

“He will have to share your bed. The camp bed is already set up in your sisters’ room for your cousin.”

Carlos didn’t care, he shared everything with TK. He’d even given him one of his Action Man dolls, to keep. Although Carlos was hoping Santa might bring him a new one anyway, no matter that his dad was starting to complain he was too old to be playing with dolls.

His mom was shovelling the cookies into a large Tupperware that was already half full of baked goods. “And he’ll be ok coming to church with us?”

Less sure of himself now, Carlos still nodded. He really hoped TK wouldn’t mind; the service wasn’t that long, and they usually got cookies and juice after.

His parents always took him and his sisters to a service at 8pm. He knew his dad went again at midnight and this year his eldest sister and cousin were getting to go with him.

As he ran upstairs, almost tripping in his excitement to tell TK the good news, he had no idea that a new tradition had just been born.

18^th December 2021

The bar in New Florence was actually called ‘The Bar’.

It was a dark, grungy looking building from the outside but inside it had a surprisingly warm and welcoming atmosphere despite its eclectic décor. Over the years attempts to branch out had led to the installation of booths in one corner, a stage and rough dance floor and the acquisition of a pool table and dart board. Except no matter how much ‘new’ was added there had never been any effort to do away with the ‘old’ which is why The Bar was cluttered with tables and chairs that were a mismatch of styles and in varying degrees of disrepair.

Everyone had their place though and there would have been uproar if anyone’s favourite seat had been taken away or replaced.

Billy, the owner and barman, was eternally grumpy and acted like it was a personal affront if you asked for anything other than beer, whisky or tequila. Carlos had once tried to order wine and been served it in a pint glass. It had been the worst hangover of his life. He suspected Billy would have an aneurysm if he asked for a cocktail; or he’d just shoot him.

Walking in that particular Saturday night things seemed to be shaping up to proceed exactly like every other one before it. Carlos took his seat at their usual table, filled with the same group that occupied it every week, and sipped a bottle of the same beer he always had. Their crowd consisted of Michelle and her subordinate Nancy, a few of Carlos’ colleagues from the police force and their wives. Apart from Nancy, who’d moved to New Florence from an even more rural area, and one of the officer’s partners who was a ‘city-girl’ from Cedar Parks, they had all grown up within the same twenty-mile radius.

It could have been boring but instead Carlos found comfort in the repetitive conversations, slipping easily into the flow of banter without effort. There was no danger of awkward questions about girlfriends or when he was going to settle down so Carlos could just relax and enjoy himself without worrying about having to come out or explain why he was single.

Nobody batted an eyelid when the group of firefighters walked in and took over their usual booth or bothered to look close enough to notice who else was accompanying them.

Until TK Strand stood up and made his way to the bar.  

Then a hush descended over the room as everyone turned to stare at New Florence’s most famous son. TK seemed to be unaware of the effect he was having and, except for the few seconds he made eye contact with Carlos and panic crossed his face, he remained expressionless.

It only lasted a moment, it wasn’t like everyone hadn’t seen TK before, and as they adjusted to his presence and returned to their own conversations the noise level quickly built back up to its pre- distraction level.

Carlos could not adjust so easily. His heart, that had skipped a beat at the first glimpse of TK, was now thudding painfully in his chest and a flush was spreading across his cheeks. He was convinced that the eyes of least half the people in the room had flicked from TK to him before looking away.

He prayed he was just being paranoid and tried to tell himself that it was old news, that no one cared anymore.

Damn TK, he thought, this was all his fault.

Michelle bumped her shoulder into his and asked quietly, “You all good, kiddo?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” he said, trying to pass off a grimace as a convincing smile and downing the last of his beer. “Please stop calling me that.”

“Whatever you say, kiddo,” she replied with a smirk. “It’s your round.”

He collected up the rest of the empty beer bottles on the table, grateful for something to do to take his mind off the stares and the whispers – that may or may not have been all in his head anyway – and focused on keeping his breathing even. It was all going so well until he noticed TK directly ahead of him, trying to manoeuvre his way through the maze of chairs and tables with his hands full of glasses. His tongue was poking out between his teeth in concentration, his focus on not spilling the drinks and Carlos wondered if he even noticed him as he stepped to the side to let him past.

He let out a shaky breath once he finally made it to the bar and tried to catch Billy’s attention. The barman was staring daggers after TK’s retreating back as he wiped down the bar.

“Who does he think he is eh? Ordering a bloody mineral water in a bar,” he grumbled to no one and everyone.

Grace Ryder, the barmaid, came up behind Billy with her hands on her hips and said admonishingly, “He’s sober Billy, you know that.”

Carlos realised that Grace, married to Judd Ryder who had taken over from Owen Strand as captain of the 126, probably felt just as protective of TK as the rest of the firehouse did.

“Yeah, well who comes to a bar if they’re sober,” Billy continued to moan until he caught sight of Carlos watching him and said, “What can I get you? Usual round?”

He nodded at Billy and smiled at Grace before turning to rest his elbow on the bar. As he did so he bumped up against the person approaching behind him.

“Oops,” he mumbled, “Sorry.”

“Hi.”

 Suddenly he was face to face with TK for the first time in four years and all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. He thought if he wasn’t already propped up against the bar his knees might have actually buckled.

The thing was TK had always been beautiful, both objectively and especially to Carlos, but since he’d been in Hollywood and had access to nutritionists and dermatologists and a $500 a month skin care regime he had become practically ethereal. Carlos thought it would hurt to look at him even without all the complicated history they shared. As it was it rendered him senseless.

He tried to speak but nothing came out and it wasn’t helping that TK was nervously smiling at him, no trace of anger or resentment. Carlos swallowed around the dryness in his throat and tried again.

“Hey,” he managed to squeak out after what felt like an age. He was planning to ask a question, as soon as he could think of one, but then one of his friends was pushing in between them and he had to drag his gaze away from TK to focus on what he was he saying.

“Michelle sent me over to get our drinks. She said you might be a while.” He slid the bottles in between his fingers and turned to TK to offer him a nod of acknowledgement, saying brightly, “Nice to see you TK. Loved you in that last film, by the way, the one with all the aliens and stuff. Anyway better get these back. See you round TK.”

He was gone, with Carlos’ own beer as well he realised too late, and he was left to stand awkward and empty handed as four years of distance and a lifetime of memories settled in the space between him and TK, who’s smile was sliding further and further away the longer Carlos remained silent.

“Friend of yours?” TK asked eventually.

Right. Conversation. He could do this, he told himself. “Yeah. That’s Doug.”

Well, three coherent words were a start at least but TK’s raised eyebrow was suggesting he needed to find more.

“Erm, work. We work together,” he said, confidence building as his mouth started to connect to his brain slightly better. “He’s a new deputy.”

“Deputy Doug. For real?” TK’s whole face lit up with mirth, his eyes crinkling and lips pulling up in a grin that showed off his perfectly straight white teeth. It was dazzling. “You actually work with a Deputy Doug?”

Finally it clicked in Carlos’ mind and he burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I didn’t put that together before now.”

TK laughed along with him and for a moment it all felt so normal that Carlos forgot where he was. He forgot that the man in front of him now wasn’t the same TK who had become obsessed with Dawson’s Creek in the 8^th Grade, made Carlos watch all the boxsets with him and could quote Joey Potter’s entire graduation speech from memory. He had even started to climb through his window when he wanted to hang out. It had been completely ridiculous – firstly because TK had always gone through the front door first to say hello to his mom and secondly because Carlos’ bedroom was on the ground floor so it had involved less climbing and more using an upturned flowerpot for a leg up - but Carlos had entertained him with endless fondness. He had never tired of playing along with TK’s games.

He had to remember that the TK that stood before him now was a global superstar, who was paid millions of dollars to play -pretend and had countless fans to adore him for it. There were entire web pages dedicated to TK’s life and interests, Buzzfeed ran articles ranking his top ten hottest selfies and Attitude magazine had named him Gay Icon of the Year in 2019 and 2020.

Carlos was just a guy who’d never left his hometown and tried not to rub his gayness in anyone’s face.

A horrible mixture of nostalgia and resignation gripped his heart and he sighed heavily as he pushed it down until it sat somewhere in his gut instead. “Are you in town for long?”

If TK noticed the clipped nature his voice had taken on he didn’t let it show. His face was a mask as he replied, “Two weeks.”

“That’s good. Nice amount of time. And Your dad must be thrilled. I know he misses you a lot. The crew too. Everyone…misses you…” Carlos knew he needed to end this conversation because he was sounding so pathetically sad as he rambled on and he was becoming aware again of the eyes watching them. He cleared his throat and turned back to face the bar. “I’ll let you get back to them.”

He stared resolutely down at the bar, watching the bubbles burst in a foamy trail of beer, and didn’t look up even when TK knocked his fist gently against the wood and muttered, “Right, yeah. See you round, I guess.”

“Fuck,” he groaned under his breath once he was sure TK had gone and wished he wasn’t so worried about drawing more attention to himself and could just walk out. Instead he took a deep breath and tried to pass his debit card to Billy.

Billy waved him off, “It’s already taken care of.”

“By who?”

“Hollywood over there put his card behind the bar. All drinks on him tonight,” he grunted and stalked off.

Carlos thought he looked mighty unhappy for a man set to make a lot of money that night.

24^th December 2007

Carlos was laid on his bed reading when he heard the tell-tale creak of the window frame that always preceded TK’s dramatic entrance. Setting his battered copy of The Goblet of Fire aside he pushed himself up to a seating position as he watched TK’s rucksack get pushed through the gap followed by the boy himself as he half climbed, half fell into his room. He was wearing black jeans and had the hood of his thick sweater pulled up, the tufts of the fringe he was desperately trying to grow poking out. His cheeks were red and his hands still held a chill when they wrapped around Carlos’ outstretched arm as he let himself be pulled up off the floor and flopped down next to him on the bed.

“Alright Dawson,” Carlos said with a grin.

 “Joey. Joey is the one who climbs through the window. You’re the Dawson.” TK said, poking a finger into his chest. “The Dawson to my Joey.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” Carlos laughed nervously and looked away to hide his blush. Sometimes TK said the strangest things.

“Anyway,” TK said after a pause. “Come on a bike ride with me? I want to show you something.”

Carlos glanced at the clock, it was already after 9pm and his mom would want them to be ready to leave for church by 11.30 at the latest.

“I already asked your mom and she said it was ok. I told her we would meet them at the church,” TK said, instantly guessing the meaning behind Carlos’ hesitation.

“Ok then,” he said and let TK drag him up off the bed - not like he was ever going to say no anyway, he never could with TK. He slipped into his shoes and pulled on a hoody of his own. Technically it was one of TK’s that he had left the day before but at this point their wardrobes were so similar it was hard to keep track of who’s was who’s. It smelled like TK though.

Carlos headed for the door just as TK reached for the window again. “TK c’mon, just use the front door.”

“Never.” TK shook his head and flashed Carlos his most devilish grin. “Meet you out front, nerd.”

TK wouldn’t tell him where they were going and Carlos stopped asking once they had passed the outskirts of town and started winding up the path that led to the woods, just followed along silently as they climbed higher and higher.

When TK turned off the main path onto an almost obscure trail however Carlos had to say something, his dad’s voice warning him of the dangers ringing in his ears. It would be no joke if they got lost in the woods or accidentally cycled off the edge into a canyon.

“It’s not much further,” TK called back to him, just barely illuminated by the light on the front of his bike as it tried to permeate the darkness and the shrubbery. “Just trust me.”

His mom had said to him once ‘if TK jumped off a cliff, would you follow him?’ She’d meant it as a rebuke because Carlos had almost broken his arm trying to imitate a skateboard trip that he had just watched TK wipe out on. He’d known then that the answer was undoubtedly yes and it was still true now – he would follow him anywhere.

Minutes later they broke out into a clearing and stopped with a squeal of breaks. TK spread his arms out as he offered up the view the gap in the trees gave them.

The whole town was spread out below them, lights twinkling out a map of the streets. The church rose up directly ahead, the most recognizable of all the buildings situated as it was at the top of the main street. The tip of the steeple was just visible against the inky darkness of the sky.

“Doesn’t it look so small from up here,” TK said.

“I think it looks beautiful,” Carlos replied, and TK gave him a strange look he couldn’t quite decipher.

They dumped their bikes next to a tree and went to sit on the rocky outcrop that jutted out over the edge. TK pulled his knees up to his chest and rest his chin on them, staring out over the town below them. “Imagine having a house up here,” he said, “That would be nice, I think.”

“How’d you find this place,” Carlos asked. TK just shrugged and said nothing; he had been getting like this, all quiet and brooding, more and more recently. Sometimes Carlos wondered if he was doing it deliberately to seem mysterious, like the way he pretended to sneak into Carlos room, to add intrigue into their painfully normal lives. Playing out some fantasy role as if they were in one of the high school dramas they watched on TV.

Or maybe TK was actually thinking deep, interesting thoughts about things Carlos had never even imagined. He was too scared to ask, afraid to find out that his own mind was simple and naïve in comparison.

“Are you serious about trying out for football next semester?” TK’s question interrupted his worrying.

“Yeah, weren’t you?”

“I dunno, Mrs Chalmers told me I should consider the amateur dramatics society.”

They had started studying Shakespeare in English and TK was the only one who read it without sounding completely stilted and unnatural. Their teacher had been in raptures about it all year.

“You should, you’d be really good.” Carlos tried not to sound jealous. Not that he wanted to act himself, but it was more at the prospect of TK doing something without him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to join the football team if TK didn’t.

“Maybe I could do both,” TK said with a small smile.

“Ha, you sound just like that movie.”

TK had made him watch High School Musical about 50 times. One night, Carlos had found a poster of Zac Efron as Troy, that had obviously been ripped from a magazine, stuffed down the side of TK’s bed. He’d thought it was a bit weird, but he hadn’t said anything about it and had hastily put it back before TK saw.

“Is this the part where you tell me to ‘stick to the stuff I know’ then?”

They both laughed and Carlos knocked his shoulder against TK’s. “No, idiot. This is when I tell you to go for it. Just don’t forget me when you’re famous.”

“Never,” TK said sounding suddenly serious. Their eyes met and Carlos felt a brief tug in his lower abdomen but then TK was gone, up on his feet and spinning around the clearing with his arms out and singing “Soaring, flying…”

Carlos threw his head back and laughed, the sounds blending together with the whistling of the wind through the trees to create, what was to him, the most beautiful melody.

The addition of church bells peeling in the distance had them both freezing. They stared at each other in panic.

“Shit.”

“Shit”

They scrambled for their bikes and tore off down the hill. Carlos’ mom would never forgive them for being late to church.

18^th December 2021

It probably had not been one of TK’s better ideas when he decided to approach Carlos at the bar but when he had brushed passed him on his way back to the table he felt like a compass that had started spinning. So he delivered the drinks to his dad and the crew and then turned straight back around, following the arrow that only seemed to settle on Carlos.

Now he couldn’t stop looking over at him every two seconds, even after he’d given him the brush off. There had been a moment, when they’d been laughing about Deputy Doug, that he had felt a flicker of hope but then Carlos had closed off again.

Not that TK could blame him.

He was trying to focus; Marjan and Paul were asking him questions about his movies and the countries he had visited that were actually quite interesting, and he didn’t want to seem rude. He was aware he was failing miserably. His answers kept trailing off as his gaze was drawn to Carlos every time the man moved or someone leant over the table to talk to him.

Eventually, with a knowing look at each other, they gave up and switched to teasing Mateo about his crush on Nancy – who, TK learned, was the statuesque, beautiful woman sat on Carlos’ right. It gave him the perfect excuse to stare at their table. Michelle kept glancing back over, but he got the feeling Carlos was deliberately looking anywhere but at him.

TK didn’t know how to do this, how to be in a room with Carlos and not instantly gravitate to his side, because he had never had to do it before.

Even when they’d been keeping their relationship a secret they would still sit next to each other and whisper and share drinks. They would press their knees together under the table or link pinkie fingers if they thought no one was looking.

The first few times TK had come back from LA they had ended up falling back into each other’s orbit, pretending for a few glorious days that nothing had changed.

The present reality was that a chasm of TK’s own making had opened between them and he couldn’t undo the damage any more than he could cross the room and take the place beside Carlos that had been his to occupy since they were 6 years old.

The gentle weight of his dad’s hand on his knee pulled him out of his morose revery and he tried to return his smile.

“You doing alright?”

TK wasn’t sure if he was asking in relation to being around alcohol or being around Carlos and since the answer was ‘yes’ to the former and ‘not at all’ to the latter he settled on a shrug of his shoulders as a response.

“I see old Billy hasn’t changed a bit,” he said trying to change the topic. “Still looks at me like he’s picturing murdering me.”

Everyone around the table laughed and Judd snorted into his beer, saying in his deep drawl, “It’s your daddy he got the issue with, not you. Still hasn’t managed to beat him in a round of golf.”

That wasn’t the whole story and everyone knew it. The truth was Billy had never been able to get over an outsider, and a Yankee outsider at that, getting the captaincy of the 126. Billy’s brother had been one of those killed in the explosion and he himself had been injured badly enough to rule out a return to firefighting. TK had just forgotten that grudges in New Florence not only stuck but got passed down the generations.

The conversation continued on around him and TK turned his attention back towards Carlos. He started when he realised he was gone; his coat and scarf no longer hung on the back of the now vacant seat. TK scanned the room and just caught a glimpse of the back of Carlos’ head disappearing out the front door.

“Be right back,” he muttered to his dad and, aiming for nonchalance, he strode across to the exit.

Carlos was already halfway up the street, it was snowing again and TK didn’t have a jacket on. He went after him anyway.

“You’re leaving?” he called out and the wind whipped the words out of his mouth. They swirled around them but Carlos had obviously heard him because he froze before slowly turning around to face him. He had his hands buried in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, pushing his scarf up to his ears. There were snowflakes in his curls and catching on the ends of his eyelashes.

“Please don’t go on my account,” TK said, folding his hands under his armpits and trying to resist shivering, “This is your place, I should be the one to go.”

Carlos studied him for moment, his eyes shining red and blue as the neon light outside The Bar flickered. “It’s fine. I’m here every week and you should make the most of the time with your dad.”

TK noticed he didn’t deny that he was the reason he was heading home. “Ok, well if you’re sure…”

“TK go back inside,” Carlos interrupted him, almost smiling. “Please, before you freeze to death.”

He laughed softly, his teeth chattering too much to object, and started to walk back towards the bar.

“Wait.”

He spun back around, nearly slipping on the icy pavement.

Carlos hadn’t moved. He was stood chewing on his bottom lip. “Look, I’m not working tomorrow. If you don’t already have plans you could come for dinner. If you want.”

He looked almost as surprised by what he had said as TK was and he snapped his mouth shut, the muscle in his jaw twitching.

TK was stunned, it seemed so out of left field that Carlos would invite him back to his house after the way they had left things.

His first thought was that his dad was right, enough time had passed and Carlos was over it but then a manic part of his brain told him it could be an elaborate plan to poison him or something. Then again maybe it was all just water under the bridge to Carlos because he’d moved on. Or what if he was looking for gossip he could sell, but then he already knew more than anyone about TK and had never spoken out, so did he want to be friends again or was he hoping for more or was he…

He had obviously spent too long deliberating because Carlos let out a frustrated sigh and said, with a shake of his head. “I’m an idiot, just forget I said anything.”

“No, no…I,” TK stuttered out, feeling a spark of panic at the sight of Carlos walking away. “I’ll be there.”

“Seven o’ clock,” Carlos called out over his shoulder, not breaking his stride. “Don’t be late.”

He stood and watched Carlos leave until he had dissolved into the snowy night and the cold had seeped through his shirt and settled in his bones.

Church bells rang out in the distance and TK realised he was crying.

23^rd December 2010

“Hey, careful there grabby,” TK said, pressing a red solo cup into Carlos’ hand and simultaneously pushing it away from his waist where it had been seconds away from landing. TK hoped that from the outside it would look like Carlos had just been reaching for his drink and not for him. He tilted his head so no one could see his face and murmured right next to Carlos’ ear, “People can see.”

“I don’t care,” Carlos said, twisting his other hand into TK’s shirt at the base of his back.

“Yeah, babe, you do. You’re just drunk right now.”

They were far enough away from the bonfire that at least no one could hear them. He noticed a few of his classmates watching them though and tried to take a step to the side to put a more normal gap between them. He hadn’t realised how much Carlos was leaning on him however and had to stretch out his hands to steady him as he stumbled into his arms, trying to make it look like a friendly gesture and nothing more.

He hated having to second guess every one of his actions like this when they were in public. It was alright for Carlos; he played football and went to church and looked exactly like a Mexican farm boy from South Texas should look with his tight curls and tanned skin and broad shoulders. No one was ever going to question his sexuality.

TK did theatre. He wore skinny jeans. He had feminine features and a slender frame. The guys in his year constantly made jokes about him being gay. Of course they didn’t actually believe he was gay – there was no way they would still hang out with him if they did. He was pretty sure there were a few of them who would even go so far as the beat him up for it.

He wasn’t going to take the chance of finding out.

“Let’s get out of here,” Carlos whispered and there was a suggestive undertone to his voice that made him shiver.

TK did the rounds of their friends, saying goodbyes and Merry Christmas and gesturing to where Carlos was stood sipping his drink by the gate, a glazed, happy drunk expression on his face, whenever someone questioned his excuse for leaving.

“Sorry Iris,” he said to his friend, and usual leading lady, when she tried to convince him to stay. “He’s too drunk. I better take him home.”

“Boo, you whore,” she pouted at him before she was gone, downing another shot on the way to attaching her lips to the neck of their QB.

TK turned to walk back to Carlos, letting his face split into the fond smile he had been holding back all night.

He kept a safe distance from Carlos as they walked down the mud track that led away from the party. Someone on the football team had convinced their parents that a seniors only Christmas blowout was a right of passage that couldn’t be skipped. He was sure they would regret offering up one of their fields when they found the burnt trash and piles of vomit that would no doubt be left in the morning.

TK thought maybe he should feel regret at leaving early; the opportunities to collect these essential high school experiences were dwindling fast as graduation grew closer.

When he looked across at Carlos though he couldn’t care less. What was semi- warm beer and belting out the lyrics to K$sha songs around a fire compared to tea and toast in bed with his best friend-slash-boyfriend.

These moments were finite and he knew what memories he would rather have to take with him when he finally escaped to LA.

Once they were a safe distance away from the party, but still out of sight of the road, TK found himself being swept off his feet. Carlos had picked him up, arms looping under his thighs so he had no choice but to wrap his legs around his waist and grip his arms tightly around his neck. He spun them around and TK squealed as he was carried over to the fence and very unceremoniously dumped onto the top slat. He kept his hands where they were but opened his legs so Carlos could slot in between them. He ran his hands up TK’s thighs and smiled up at him wickedly, looking very sober.

“Oh I see,” TK huffed, “You were just pretending to be drunk so we could have an excuse to leave.”

“Yep,” Carlos said with a self-satisfied smirk, his lips popping on the ‘p’.

“Nice work Reyes. Very convincing. As the more experienced actor here I would rate that performance a definite 5 out of 10.”

“Only 5 huh, you sure about that?” Carlos said, feigning offence as he dug his fingers into TK’s side and tickled him until his laughs were coming out as almost breathless sobs.

“Ok, ok, I yield!” TK cried. “10. You were a 10.”

Carlos gave him a moment to catch his breath, bringing his hands up to frame his face and brushing his thumbs across his cheeks, suddenly serious. “I’m sorry if you wanted to stay, it was just driving me crazy not being able to do this.”

And then he pulled TK down into a kiss.

In the two-and-a-bit years they had been doing this TK had seen a complete transformation in Carlos. He was no longer the shy, nervous boy of 15 who had blushed over every touch and treated every kiss like it was a tender blessing. Now he kissed with a cocky confidence that melted TK’s spine and left him a willing, pliant mess in his arms. He’d worked out what he liked, and what TK liked, and he was unabashed in his eagerness to get them both of.

He caught TK’s weight as he slipped off the fence and into his arms again and he kept kissing him, open mouthed and heated, until he couldn’t breathe. He kissed him until TK couldn’t tell what way was up anymore and they tumbled down onto the grass verge.

He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and TK was so painfully in love he wondered how he could possibly survive it.

They walked the rest of the way home holding hands, arms swinging between them as they trusted the blanket of a winter night to protect them, only letting go when they made it to TK’s street-lit road.

Carlos went quiet as they let themselves into the house, his face the picture of introspection.

He got like this sometimes, TK had learned, all caught up in his own head. He liked to sit in silence while he worked his way through whatever was worrying him and then usually he would tell TK what was wrong.

Other times he would just snap out of it and then act like nothing had happened.

Those times drove TK mad and left him wishing he could read minds just so he could know. He couldn’t imagine Carlos having any thoughts he wouldn’t want to hear – to TK he was too good and too pure to have the kind of twisted dark thoughts that he himself had.

He sent Carlos up to his room while he made the tea and toast, hoping the time alone would be enough for him to settle himself. It wasn’t until they were curled up together in bed, Carlos spooned around him, that TK felt him finally relax however. He waited, stroking his fingers up and down Carlos’ arm, as he prayed that he would say the words that meant he was going to let him in.

“TK, can I ask you something?”

He almost shuddered with relief. “Of course, anything.”

“What happens to us after graduation?”

TK felt like a brick had dropped into his stomach because he knew the answer, he had been thinking about it too, but that didn’t mean he was ready to accept it.

“Carlos…” His voice cracked and there was a lump in his throat. He tried to turn over but Carlos pulled him in tighter.

“It’s just, you’ll go off to LA and I’ll go to Austin Community and…” They were pressed so close he could feel the pain in Carlos’ voice vibrate in his chest. “This ends doesn’t it? You and me, we’ll be over.”

It was too much. Too soon. TK wasn’t ready. He didn’t understand why Carlos would force this conversation now when they still had months until graduation. Months where they could just be happy and young and in love. It was high school; it had to end so the real story could start.

He could tell Carlos was crying because he was shaking. He didn’t resist when TK pulled away and shifted onto his knees, reaching over to turn on the bedside lamp.

“What do you want me to say, Carlos?” he said, trying to keep the panic out his voice.

“I don’t know TK,” Carlos said, pulling himself up to a seated position, legs stretched out in front of him as he leaned back against the headboard. Silent tears were streaming down his face. “What about long distance?”

“Except neither of us can afford multiple back and forth trips between Texas and California. So realistically we won’t see each other until Thanksgiving at best, and more likely not until Christmas and then what? We just spend all our nights on the phone to each other or getting jealous if the other one goes out until eventually it gets too much and we end up resenting each other or worse one of us cheats…”

“I’d never do that to you, TK,” Carlos said, his hand coming out to grip TK’s where they were clenched in his lap.

“Maybe not but you can’t tell me you wouldn’t get jealous.”

Carlos cast his eyes down, he had no rebuttal to that.

TK inched his knees closer to Carlos until they were almost resting on his thighs and freed one of his hands so he could stroke his fingers through Carlos’ hair in the way he knew soothed him.

“Don’t you see, sweetheart, this is the only way we stand a chance of not losing everything. If we break up, stop being boyfriends, at least we can still be…f-f-friends.” The last word came out a choked sob as TK succumbed to tears as well. It seemed like such an inadequate term for what Carlos was to him; he was his lifeblood, his soulmate, the person he loved more than any other.

He rocked forwards, bringing their foreheads together as they both cried. Carlos was still holding on to TK’s other hand between both of his, he raised it to his mouth and pressed his lips against his knuckles.

“You could stay,” he whispered.

“Sweethe-“

“Don’t.” Carlos snapped, dropping TK’s hand. “Don’t sweetheart me while you’re breaking my heart.”

They fell into silence, the only sounds their laboured breathing as they both tried to fight back more tears. TK didn’t stop stroking Carlos’ head.

“I can’t stay, Carlos,” he said eventually, once he had composed himself enough to trust his voice. “I want to be an actor. A proper actor in plays and movies and I’ll never be able to do that here. I have to live in LA or New York for that and I can’t ask you to wait for me because I won’t ever be moving back to New Florence and I know that’s what you want to do –“Carlos flashed him a surprised look, he had never actually admitted that to TK, but he knew it was true none the less. “- and maybe if I had your life I’d have wanted that too but I don’t and I need more than this place, Carlos. It’s not enough for me.”

“You mean I’m not enough.”

“No. No. I never said that.” TK said desperately. “You are the only thing about this town that I will miss. And I will miss you so much Carlos.”

He started to hyperventilate, his breathes coming shallow and rapid at the thought of having to learn to live without seeing Carlos every day.

 He scrabbled at Carlos until he pulled TK fully onto his lap and wrapped his arms him. He rocked him gently side to side, pressing kisses against his head, until his breathing evened out and his tears slowed to a trickle.

“What do you mean if you had my life you might want to stay?” Carlos asked when TK slid off his lap and rearranged himself into a more conventional position curled against his side, head resting on Carlos’ chest.

 TK smiled sadly up at him. “Your whole family lives here. You all sit down for dinner together every night and your parents have never once missed a football game. They’d care if you moved away. My dad is hardly ever around and I see my mom, maybe, twice a year. You are quite literally the only person who gives a fuck what I do, Carlos.”

He watched Carlos eyes widen, saw the understanding there and it somehow hurt even more. He knew Carlos wouldn’t ask him to stay again. He loved him too much to stop him chasing his dreams and TK loved him back enough to give him up and not ask him to wait.

They couldn’t follow each other forever.

“I’ll always care.” Carlos said, taking TK’s hand again and linking their fingers. “Whatever happens that will never change.”

“I know.”

Eventually Carlos turned off the light and pulled TK back down, resuming their position from before everything had fallen apart. TK thought that if he had watched this scene in a movie he would have called it tragically beautiful. The reality was just a mess.

 It felt like he was being ripped apart at the seams. There could be no clean cut for them and TK had no idea how he was going to untangle all the frayed edges that their separation would leave them with.

 He was just about to doze off when he heard Carlos speak softly, his mouth half pressed against TK’s neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

19^th December 2021

First it had taken him forever to fall asleep and now that he had woken up Carlos couldn’t make himself get out of bed. He was stuck in a loop going over and over the conversation with TK from the night before; why had he asked TK to dinner and why had TK said yes?  

He was playing it back in his mind, watching the gears shifting in TK’s head as he had tried to work out whether he could trust Carlos or not, trying to guess his intentions. Well good luck to him, Carlos thought, because he wasn’t even sure himself.

All he knew was that the sight of TK walking away had triggered a reflex in him, some deep-seated impulse to hold on to him for as long as he could, in any way he would let him.

It was the same impulse that stopped him from scrolling past any news story that mentioned TK’s name, had him tumbling down a rabbit hole of YouTube videos called ‘funny TK Strand moments’, and, regardless of what he might tell Michelle, regularly stalking TK’s Instagram.

It was strange to witness TK’s life unfold in this way now, watching his shadow dance in the fire light on the walls of his cave, when for so long they had been such a solid, integral part of each other’s world.

He was suddenly reminded of the morning in TK’s bed after their first kiss. They had fallen asleep holding hands, still too unsure what the boundaries were to let anywhere else on their bodies touch, but had woken up curled around each other. TK had kissed him and asked if this meant they could be boyfriends now and Carlos had stammered out a yes.

That was not the part of the conversation that had sprung to mind, however. It was what TK said when Carlos asked him why he’d never told him he was gay before that night; he had been hurt when TK confessed it was because he was scared in case Carlos disowned him.

His biggest fear had always been losing Carlos as his friend.

It was the same the first time Carlos’ hand went for his zipper when they were making out and TK stopped him. He was worried that once they crossed that line there was no going back, concerned that when confronted with it Carlos would freak out or realise he wasn’t actually gay and then never be able to look at TK again.

For Carlos, touching TK’s erection had only been strange in that it hadn’t felt strange at all. Like kissing him, he thought it felt wonderful and right.

His whole life up to that point he had been following TK’s lead but, as their relationship altered, it was Carlos who had to instigate every step and he had never fully understood TK’s reticence until the fateful night after the bonfire. TK had felt like Carlos was all he had and there was nothing he wouldn’t do to protect their friendship above all else.

He had been terrified of Carlos leaving him.

Funny that in the end it was always TK who left.

Maybe that was why Carlos had asked him to dinner; because he was desperately clinging to a belief that a there was a small part of TK that still needed him; wishfully thinking that even with all the fame and the fortune and a world full of people who cared about TK Strand, there was still something that a small town guy like him could offer.

Even if was just a trip down memory lane to a time when the world had seemed much simpler and their biggest concerns were passing Math and learning how to give blow jobs without teeth.

His phone rang and he almost toppled out of bed in his haste to grab it.

“Hey babe.” It was Michelle. For the first time he was almost disappointed to hear her voice.

“Hi,” he croaked out.

“Just calling to check in,” she said brightly. “You bailed pretty early last night. Everything ok?”

“Yeah, yeah I just…” He couldn’t think of an excuse that Michelle would actually buy and was grateful she didn’t push when he trailed off into silence.

“Anyway, after you left we tried to order a bottle of champagne, since TK was paying for everything, and I kid you not Billy actually threatened us with a pool cue. It was hilarious.”

“Sounds it,” Carlos said without enthusiasm. Michelle never got tired of trying to wind Billy up even though Carlos knew they were still hooking up; he really didn’t get their relationship at all.

There was a long pause before Michelle spoke again and Carlos figured she was getting to the actual reason she had called. He was right.

“So, I spoke to TK briefly and he happened to mention that you invited him over tonight?” Her tone was carefully neutral. “You want to talk to me about that? I thought we were still in the ‘never want to see him again’ phase? Or did I get my head bitten off for liking his Instagrams for nothing?”

Carlos sighed and sank back down against his pillows. “Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. He kind of fries my brain, I see him and it’s like I’m 16 again.”

“Aww, he’s your Bucky,” Michelle cooed down the line.

“Oh my god, please shut up.”

“Well speaking of TK Strands Instagram account, do you think he actually controls it or does someone just google stock photos of New Florence and post them for him?”

Carlos didn’t reply, trying to fight against the itch to open the app and see what she was talking about.  

“Oh, I see, you’re still going to pretend you don’t look at it. Got it. So… is tonight like a date or is it more of a friends thing because I was thinking I could always stop by and..”

“It’s not a date Michelle,” he said, cutting her off. Then immediately added, “But that is not an invitation for you to show up.”

“If you say so,” she laughed, “So if it’s not a date…”

He groaned. “It’s an olive branch, I guess.”

Michelle sucked in a breath, “Hmmm, ok.”

“Hmmm? What do you mean hmmm?”

“It’s just, shouldn’t he be the one to extend the peace offering? He’s the one who messed up, not you.”

“That’s not fair,” Carlos said, his knee-jerk reaction to defend TK kicking in. “There were fuck ups on both sides.”

“Yeah, but your fuck up happened in private and his was published in a national magazine. It’s not the same, Carlos. Just don’t let his movie star charm make you forget how much he hurt you.”

Like he could ever forget. He was still living with the consequences of TK’s actions.

“I won’t Chica, don’t worry.”

“Ok, well good luck and, you know, call me if you need me.”

“I will, love you.”

“Love you too kiddo.”

He lasted all of two minutes after hanging up before he caved and navigated to TK’s Instagram profile. He made a sound that was half laugh and half groan when he saw what Michelle meant.

The most recent post was a view of the entire town taken from above. With the blanket of snow it almost looked like a little gingerbread village silhouetted against a clear blue sky just starting to darken as the pale winter sun approached the horizon. It was all very pretty.

He knew there was only one place you could go to get that exact view. He was surprised TK would venture up to their little secret spot again – it had been years since they had discovered it was actually private land and that they had been risking getting done for trespassing, or worse shot at, every time they had gone up there.

There was a caption too, parenthesised with little music note emojis.

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Carlos almost choked on his tongue.

Had TK been up on the hill thinking about Carlos and all the moments that had passed between them there, were those lyrics meant for him?

Or was it just a beautiful view and a song TK had loved since they had covered it on Glee.

For his own sanity, Carlos decided to believe the latter.

He’d already had a mild panic a few days before when TK had posted a picture of an Action Man that had definitely once belonged to Carlos. Before that had been a photo of the tree house taken from TK’s bed with a comment about the healing powers of nature and home.

It was a slippery slope to start thinking that a celebrity was communicating with you through cryptic social media posts, however well you had known them, so he locked his phone and flung it to the bottom of his bed before he could spiral any further.

He needed to get up; he had a meal to prepare after all. Not that he had any idea what he could cook that was fit for an A-list celebrity.

Then again, he had once watched TK projectile vomit rainbow sludge out of a moving car after consuming a truly alarming number of Peeps and then continue to finish the packet like it was nothing, so maybe he didn’t need to worry.

15^th December 2009

“Ow.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you sure?”

“Uhhuh,” Carlos nodded, wincing as another jolt of pain shot up his spine. It hurt more than he had anticipated.

“Ok, that’s it, I’m stopping,” TK said, starting to pull back.

“No,” Carlos said, grabbing TK’s ass to hold him where he was. “Just, give me a minute to get used to it. Please. I want this.”

After a year of hand jobs and blow jobs and experimenting with one finger and then two fingers, they’d spent weeks googling and talking and planning. Now, on a rainy Tuesday night, there was a mountain of lube in between Carlos’ cheeks and TK was pressing slowly into him.

TK was hovering above him, his face screwed up with concern as Carlos tried to breath and relax just like their research had told him to do.

“It’s getting better,” Carlos said, bringing his legs up higher to ease TK in little more. There was another sting but it was less intense than before. TK let out a groan and bit his lip as he rested his forehead against Carlos’ own, his eyes squeezed tight shut.

“Are you ok?” Carlos asked, worried at how tense TK seemed.

“God yes,” TK breathed out, beads of sweat dripping from his nose onto Carlos’ face. “I’m just trying really hard not to come, like, right now.”

Carlos smiled and shifted his hips, rocking up against TK and eliciting another moan from him. His arms where shaking.

“Oh, it’s good for you then?”

“It feels fucking incredible. You...Fuck, you feel amazing.” TK’s eyes flew open. “But I’ll stop if it’s hurting you.”

Carlos trailed his fingers up TK’s back and then gently cupped his face, staring up at him with wonder. He felt so overwhelmed with love he thought he might burst.

“Not sore anymore,” he reassured TK, pulling him into a sweaty kiss.

“How does it feel?” TK whispered. He had dropped down onto his forearms, his head pressed heavy against Carlos’ cheek and it seemed to be taking him a lot of effort to speak.

“Weird… but in a good way. Also kind of like I need to…well...yeah,” he trailed off with a soft laugh.

He felt stretched out and full – so very full – but a warmth was starting to spread up his back and he could feel his muscles unclench slightly.

“Can you try moving?”

He felt TK nod and then he pushed back up to holding his weight on his hands. Carlos looked down between them and blushed; both at the sight of TK’s hips pressed flush with his own but also at how soft he had gone.

“Hey, it’s ok sweetheart,” TK said, following his gaze down. “Remember we read that might happen.”

Carlos let out a shaky breath, his insecurity withering away under the intensity of the love radiating from TK’s eyes.

“I’m going to move now ok?”

TK waited for his nod before drawing his hips back and then sliding back in.

Carlos slammed his head back into the pillow as an overpowering sensation, a combination of pleasure and pain, shot through him. He braced his hands against TK’s chest, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, as TK thrust into him again.

 “Oh wow, oh Carlos” he heard TK gasp. “I am really not going to be able to last.”

He tried to tell him that it was ok but all that came out was a grunt as TK settled into an attempt at an even rhythm.

Carlos couldn’t decide if he was actually enjoying it or not; his cock was getting hard again as it rubbed in between their abdomens and the pain had almost fully subsided but it was all just so intense. He had never experienced anything like it, never felt so all encompassed, and he was just glad he was doing this with TK - someone he loved and trusted with everything he had.

TK’s hips suddenly stuttered and he came with a cry before collapsing on top of him, panting heavily. Carlos’ arms instinctively wrapped around him, holding him close through the aftershocks. He hissed when he slipped out and TK immediately raised his head to look at him.

“I’m sorry, I tried to last but that was… just. Wow.” TK stroked his face, looking down at him reverentially. He bent his face down to slot their lips together but he was grinning so much that Carlos kept catching his lip with his teeth. They pulled back and stared at each other, TK still smiling blissfully.  

Carlos lived to make TK smile. He had thought that by then he was familiar with all of their forms, but this was a new one he hadn’t seen before. The knowledge that he was the first person to have unlocked this particular smile imbued him with a strange sense of power he could only liken to the feeling he got in Church when the whole congregation sang a rousing hymn together. He felt worshipped and invincible and closer to TK in that moment than he ever had before.

Yet at the same time an emptiness had crept into him and he was embarrassed to find that he had a lump in his throat.

TK’s hand started to snake down to Carlos’ erection. “Let me take care of you now, yeah?”

He jerked away, suddenly aware that if TK touched him he was going to cry. “Um. I need to clean up,” he said, waving a hand over the general area of his crotch as he stood up. “Just going to nip to the bathroom.”

He tried to smile at TK before he darted out of the room. He shut the bathroom door and sank back against it feeling ashamed of himself for being weird and ruining their perfect moment.

He really did need to wash up; there was a lot of lube and it had started to run down his legs in sticky trails. He was soaking a washcloth in the sink when there was a gentle knock on the door.

“Can I come in sweetheart?” TK called through the door.

Carlos didn’t say anything, just leaned over and opened the door an inch. TK slipped in and then closed the door behind him. He had a tied-up condom in his hand which he quickly flushed down the toilet. Carlos ran the wet cloth through his fingers but felt too self-conscious to wipe himself with it while TK was watching so he just stood there, blushing and nervous, like a child.

He felt TK’s fingers brush against his waist and his lips press a kiss against his shoulder as he moved to stand next to Carlos. “You ok?”

Carlos nodded, still feeling too choked up to speak but braved raising his eyes to look at TK, lingering over the red welts blooming across his chest where he had dug his fingers in. The sight of them made him gulp and look away again.

“Did I hurt you?” TK asked, voice almost impossibly soft as he started to stroke his fingers through Carlos’ hair.

He shook his head vigorously and TK let out a sigh of relief. His hand moved to cup Carlos’ jaw and tilted his face up to look at him.

“Then talk to me. Please?” TK said, his brow furrowed with worry.

“Sorry, I know I’m being weird,” Carlos mumbled.

“Was I not…” TK started to say and then bit his lip and looked away. He sounded strained when he next spoke. “Was it not good?”

“Oh TK, oh no, that’s not it at all,” Carlos said hurriedly. “You were incredible, I swear, it’s just…”

“Just what?” TK said, stepping even closer to Carlos and nudging his leg with his knee.

Carlos closed his eyes, there was no way he was going to able to explain his jumble of thoughts with TK looking at him with his big searching eyes. He felt like an exposed nerve ending, all his feelings bubbling on the surface of his skin, and everywhere TK touched felt raw.

“I know this is going to sound totally pathetic but I’m just feeling really emotional right now. It was so amazing to feel you like that but also it was quite intense and now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. There is so much lube but it feels weird to wipe my ass with a face cloth in the middle of the room like this and then what am I supposed to do with the cloth after. I can’t just put it in the laundry basked because your dad will see and be like why the hell would TK wipe his butt with a cloth you know? But then I can’t just hang it up because what if you forget and use it on your body or something and…”

“Carlos, breathe,” TK said, holding his face with both hands and shaking him gently. “Breathe, breathe, breathe.”

He took a loud gasping breath and let TK pull him into a tight hug, his hands rubbing soothingly over his back.  Carlos pressed his face into TK’s neck and tried not to feel totally ashamed of his outburst.

TK placed a series of kisses against his hair and ear and Carlos felt the tickle of his laugh brush across his cheek.

“It’s ok, I’ve got you,” he said. His tone was amused but also so achingly fond that Carlos didn’t feel embarrassed. “First off, I think we should shower. We can go together and clean up, ok? Then I’ll put the washcloth in the basket in my room and I’ll put the laundry on tomorrow before my dad gets home.”

Carlos stepped back, not far enough to break TK’s embrace but just enough so he could look at him. He was relieved to see TK looking so happy again, glad that he maybe hadn’t totally spoiled the whole thing.

“And sweetheart, don’t be embarrassed ok. It was a lot for me too,” TK said “I don’t think I was prepared for quite how… fuck it, I’m just going to say it. That was magical Carlos.”

His face split into a grin at TK’s words as the lingering tension drained out of him. “Magical huh?”

TK’s smile grew even bigger at the change in Carlos’ demeanour. “Yup. M-A-G-I-C-A-L.”

He punctuated each letter with a kiss to Carlos’ forehead, eyes, nose and cheeks until he landed on his lips. Carlos let himself melt into the kiss, let TK’s tongue chase away the last dregs of doubt. If it wasn’t for the fact that his love for TK grew every day he would have thought it was impossible to be more in love than in that moment.

In the shower he let TK soap him up and rub him down, barely jumping as he brushed over his hole. TK still noticed though.

“It’s fine,” he reassured him. “I mean, it’s a little tender but in a good way. Like I can still feel you there.”

 “Ok that’s hot.” TK’s eyes darkened and he dropped the cloth as he crowded Carlos against the shower wall. “Do you think, next time, you could do me instead? I want to feel you.”

Carlos was struck dumb by the arousal that shot through him and all he could do was nod as he felt himself harden against TK’s thigh.

Finally, under the warm spray with his back pressed up against the cold tiles, he let TK take care of him.

After changing the sheets they curled up under the covers facing each other. TK had one leg thrown over Carlos’ hip and he was rubbing his hand up and down TK’s side. He was feeling a bit giddy after the emotional rollercoaster the night had taken him on.

“Carlos,” TK whispered after they’d finally managed to stop smirking and kissing each other every few seconds. “Are we ok?”

“Of course we are,” Carlos reassured him instantly. He knew TK needed to hear it sometimes, however good things seemed between them. He didn’t let it upset him anymore that TK asked.

“But we’re still best friends, right?” TK said, tucking his hands under his face on the pillow.

“Always.” Carlos linked his pinkie finger with TK’s and squeezed it. “Promise.”

TK yawned and said sleepily, “I’ll have to get up early to wash the bed stuff before my dad gets in, but at least he’ll make breakfast for us.”

“Yay smoothies,” Carlos murmured, smiling into his pillow as he drifted off to sleep.

19^th December 2021

TK took the steps up to Carlos’ door slowly, taking care not to slip on the icy patches. To say he was nervous would be a massive understatement and he had to take a moment to collect himself before he could knock on the door.

It was almost four years to the day since the last time he had stood in that spot. He’d been hopeful and excited. He’d also been an arrogant, selfish prick. Time had changed him on both fronts.

Warm air rushed over him when Carlos opened the door and stepped aside with a gesture for him to enter. He was wearing a green Henley top with the sleeves rolled up, that TK couldn’t help but notice clung in all the right places, and dark jeans. His casual attire made TK glad he had gone for a white shirt and not one of the ridiculously overpriced button downs he had almost picked. Although the t-shirt had also cost a lot; almost as much as the tab at The Bar the night before.

TK paused on the threshold, trying to shake off the cold and dark along with the snow on his boots, before he stepped inside the bright cosiness of Carlos’ home.

He looked around as he unbuttoned his coat, taking in all the old familiarities of the place; the throws and the rugs and the painting on the wall that TK knew was done by Carlos’ oldest sister. The Christmas tree in the corner was adorned with decorations he recognised from his own childhood holidays spent at the Reyes’.

He also noticed all the little ways it had changed too. The new books on the shelf that he was desperate to hear Carlos’ opinion on and the photos of friends he didn’t know on the mantlepiece that made him strangely, intensely jealous. There used to be pictures of him in this room too.

Carlos took his coat from him and hung it up on a hook by the door and TK realised he had shown up empty handed.

“I’m sorry, I should have brought you a bottle of wine or something,” he said. “Or at least dessert.”

When you didn’t drink, or let yourself have sweet things, it was easy to forget that other people still did.

“It’s ok,” Carlos replied, lips quirking up. “I won’t let on to your fans how far your Southern manners have slipped.”

TK tried to laugh but it came out strangled. “Right. Thanks.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over them as TK stood with his arms held stiffly at his side and Carlos stared at him. TK wasn’t sure what to make of the expression on his face; it wasn’t exactly angry but he didn’t look thrilled either. Conflicted was probably how TK would describe it if pushed.

It passed in a moment and then Carlos was smiling at him. A tightness remained around his eyes though and TK knew, because he knew all of Carlos’ smiles, that he wasn’t forgiven. Not totally.  

“Have a seat, dinner will be ready in a few minutes,” Carlos said as he turned his back on TK and started to move around in the kitchen. “I made chilli, I hope that’s ok.”

TK almost let out a moan as his mouth filled with saliva at the thought. He had grown up eating the ‘Reyes secret family recipe’ chilli and, if Carlos was anything like Andrea, knew he was going to serve it with rice and chips and cornbread. None of which featured in his approved meal plan.

He took a seat at the tiny table Carlos had made up with proper place settings and candles in the little sliver of room between the kitchen and living room.  It felt very intimate.

Not for the first time TK wished he wasn’t an addict and could have a drink to take the edge off the nerves. He’d gotten much better at handling events without the social lubricant of intoxication but he couldn’t deny it made it harder.

He felt ridiculous. To be more terrified of dinner with his oldest friend than by paparazzi lined red carpets and galas packed with the crème of Hollywood’s elite.

Then again no one at those events knew him, or cared about him, the way Carlos did. Or had. At one point. Before TK ruined everything.

The clinking of a bottle against the rim of a glass startled him and he was shocked to find that Carlos had brought the food over to the table and was busy topping up their glasses with mineral water.

It wasn’t fair but he was glad Carlos wasn’t drinking either. It made him feel like there was more of a level playing field.

“Well, dig in,” Carlos said, taking his seat opposite TK and starting to ladle food into his own bowl.

TK surveyed the spread before him. The chilli looked dark and delicious and dangerous - done properly the Texan way with hunks of beef and peppers - and he’d been right that about the sides. Big chunks of yellowish corn bread, clearly homemade, were piled high on a plate next to equally full bowls of rice and corn chips.

His stomach contracted painfully as he took the smallest possible helping of each thing. The usual guilt crept in, squeezing his throat and sending his leg bouncing with anxiety, as he ripped off a bit of bread and dipped it into the chilli.

The flavour exploded onto his tongue and he sank back into his chair as he chewed on the tiny morsel he had allowed himself. He was instantly transported back to Andrea’s kitchen, devouring bowl after bowl, constantly replenished by the woman who loved to feed up her ‘growing boys’.

He tried to take a second bite but already the voice in his head was telling him he would have to spend hours in the gym to offset this. It was like a siren going off, flashing signs saying: warning, stop, go back. He couldn’t justify this. He didn’t deserve this.

“Is it not ok?” Carlos asked him, noticing TK’s reluctance instantly.

“No, it’s delicious,” TK replied, trying to smile. “Seriously it rivals your moms it’s so good.”

“But?”

TK sighed. “But I haven’t eaten complex carbohydrates in months and I am definitely not supposed to be eating this.”

Carlos looked crestfallen. “I’m such an idiot. TK, I’m so sorry, I should have thought. I’ll make you something else.”

He was already halfway out his chair. TK reached a hand across the table to grab his wrist and pulled him back down. His hand stayed covering Carlos’ on the table – it felt like it was charging with static the longer they touched.

“Don’t, it’s fine. I’m meant to be on a diet for this movie and…”

He trailed off, the usual excuses not tripping off his tongue like they used to because he was too tired to make them sound convincing. He was tired of 5am work outs and restricting what he ate. He was tired of rushing around the world to promote movies he wasn’t even proud of being in. He was tired of being surrounded by people who all wanted pieces of him but never the whole thing.

He thought about his priorities and how far away they were from what he wanted them to be.

He wanted to see his dad for more than a few days a year, he wanted a house that he could actually live in and not be lonely in. He wanted Carlos back in his life.

He wanted to eat this meal.

He realised he was the only one stopping himself.

If he could eat this meal then maybe, just maybe, he could have the other things he wanted too.

“Fuck it,” he said and taking his hand off of Carlos’ he picked up a chip, loaded it with rice and chilli and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth.

“By the way,” Carlos said, looking at him with satisfaction. “I’m so telling my mom you said my chilli was better than hers.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” TK replied with a glare.

They eyed each other for a second before they burst out laughing. This time the smile did reach Carlos’ eyes.

They passed the rest of the meal in comfortable formality. Carlos talked about what his sisters were up to (getting married, having kids and the eldest scandalously moving to Dallas) and his parents (Dad refusing to retire from the Texas Rangers even though his brothers wanted him to focus on the family ranch more now they were getting older, Mom still fussing over all her kids and being generally involved in town business whether she was wanted or not).

TK spoke about his co-stars (how shockingly boring most of them where apart from the one guy that went full on method and put a dead bat in his trailer because he claimed it was something his character would do) and flashy events he had been to.

They didn’t talk about themselves though and it was becoming harder and harder to skate around the subject now their plates were cleared.

“I still enjoyed it,” Carlos was saying after TK had brought up his most recent movie release. It was an alien action thriller that was meant to have been a high-brow deconstruction of the genre – the director was an Oscar winner – but had been boiled down to another flashy Marvel knockoff in post-production. “I know it was a bit cliché but I found it entertaining. You were really good in it too.”

It was true that despite not getting great reviews the general consensus was that TK had carried the movie with a stellar performance. Not that he cared about that right then because he was too busy being hung up on the fact that Carlos had seen it.

“You saw my movie?” he asked, surprised.

Carlos picked up his fork and starting to move left over grains of rice around as he frowned down at his bowl. “Yeah. I mean I avoided them at first, after... well, all that stuff. But you are kind of everywhere and it just seemed silly to keep it up after a while so, yeah, I watched them. And I meant it, what I said before, you really are an incredible actor TK.”

TK was stunned. Carlos had watched his films.

He hadn’t spared much thought for what it must have been like for Carlos – to have been hating him and been constantly bombarded with his existence. He hadn’t exactly been low profile, his escapades splashed across the papers and social media in addition to his films coming out every few months. If he had thought about it he would have presumed Carlos was still avoiding any mention of him. To know that he had still been following his career, and still thought he was talented, thrilled him.

Of course that meant he would have seen all the bad stuff too. It was also the first time either of them had referenced their fall out and that was enough to pour cold water on the spark of joy that had been ignited.

“Carlos, I…” TK started to say but Carlos cleared his throat and mumbled something about clearing the table. He refused to meet TK’s eye as he piled the dishes in his hands and carried them to the kitchen.

TK followed him, watching as he filled the sink and started to wash up. 

“I’m sorry,” TK blurted out.

“TK…”

“No Carlos, I need to apologi-”

“Stop!” Carlos said forcefully as he spun around. His hands were covered in soapy water and as he threw them up in the air it sent little suds floating to the ground. “Just stop. Neither of us need to apologise ok. It’s in the past. Can we please just forget it?”

TK didn’t agree, he thought there was plenty he needed to say sorry for, but Carlos was looking at him so beseechingly that he could do nothing but nod and mouth a silent OK at him.

Carlos went back to the dishes and TK fell in beside him, grabbing the dish towel and starting to pick the plates off the rack to dry them.

“What are you doing?” Carlos said, looking at him with confusion.

“I’m drying,” he replied, holding up the dish in his hand as if to say ‘duh’. “It’s my job. You wash, I dry.”

That was the way they had always done it before. Carlos watched him for a few seconds before opening his mouth as if he was going to say something. Instead he clenched his jaw shut, a muscle dancing in his cheek, and returned his attention to the sink.

Silence stretched out between them, the only sound the gentle sloshing of water and the occasional clatter of dishes. At one point TK reached out to pick up a pan before Carlos had moved his hand out of the way and their fingers brushed. Their eyes snapped up, locking on to each other’s and TK wondered if Carlos felt the same thrumming in his blood as he did. Then Carlos looked away and the moment passed.

TK started to wonder what he should do once they were done with the washing up, if he was supposed to leave or not. He didn’t want to, but it didn’t feel like the evening was heading anywhere else. Neither of them were saying the things they needed to.

He was leaning against the countertop as Carlos shuffled around the kitchen putting things away when Carlos suddenly spoke. “TK, can I ask you something?”

“Of course, anything.”

“Did you really almost die?” Carlos said, barely above a whisper, as he turned the full force of his warm brown eyes onto TK.

“Yes,” he replied, his voice cracking.

Carlos’ hands twitched. TK thought he was about to reach out for him but he stayed where he was, his hands curling into fists by his side. “Can I ask what happened? What really happened.”

Right, the press had been told it was an accidental overdose. Carlos wanted to know if that was true. TK felt his chest tighten and he rubbed his palm over his heart like he did every time he thought about that day. He turned away from Carlos and walked over to the sofa, sinking into it as he tried to get the narrative straight in his head – he was used to either talking about it in careful soundbites in interviews or laying it all out in therapy. He’d never had to explain it to a friend.

“Sorry I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to tell me anything,” Carlos said. He had followed TK into the living room and was sitting on the arm of the couch. He was still holding the dish cloth and was running it through his fingers as he looked at TK with worry.

“No I want to tell you, I’m just trying to work out where to start,” TK said, his fingers bunching up the fabric of his t shirt as they dug into his chest. “I, uh… I suppose you already know I was using. I mean not all the time, but regularly enough that it was becoming a problem and more and more so after… well by 2018 I was a full-on addict. I got a bit better for a while, when I met Alex.”

“Your fiancé Alex?” Carlos asked, twisting the towel tightly between his hands as he said the name.

“Ex-fiancé. Proper whirlwind romance,” TK said shaking his head and looking down at his feet. “I proposed after 6 months and then a few months later he tells me he’s screwing his spin cycle instructor and is moving in with him.”

“Classy guy,” Carlos said, his voice dripping with disdain.

TK snorted. He wished he could lay all the blame on Alex, and there was a fair share he could – his therapist had explained all about love-bombing and gaslighting – but he was also under no illusions about who he had been then.

It had been a toxic combination.

“Alex was an asshole, but I was a total mess too. I was partying constantly and getting in fights and screwing up jobs. I wouldn’t have wanted to be with me either.” He glanced at Carlos; his whole body was turned towards TK and he could tell he was listening intently, like it really mattered to him. “I wasn’t exactly handling the break-up well and then when it got leaked to the press I just couldn’t cope.”

Alex had played him. Making out to the media that he was an innocent victim of TK’s drinking and drug abuse, he had accused TK of being the unfaithful one. That was what had hurt the most because TK had never once looked at another man when he was with Alex. He had even turned down a role because Alex hadn’t felt comfortable with him doing a sex scene with a male co-star.

He had felt used and abandoned.

“He said I cheated on him. Can you believe that?” TK said, the injustice still stinging even after all the time that had passed. “And I just wanted to block it all out, to sleep until it all blew over. So I locked myself in the bathroom and took a whole bottle of oxy.”

He heard Carlos’ sharp intake of breath and saw him drop the cloth he was holding. He didn’t move to pick it back up.

“Did you know my dad was the one who found me?” TK said thickly. “Yeah, he was worried about me so he’d flown in that day. He broke the bathroom door down and gave me CPR until the ambulance arrived. I wasn’t breathing and my heart had stopped.”

“TK…” Carlos choked out.

“He saved my life,” TK said, twisting his head to look at Carlos. “You know, my manager and some of my friends were downstairs all day and not one of them had thought to check on me. When I think about what would have happened if my dad hadn’t shown up…I didn’t want to die, Carlos.”

Suddenly Carlos was sliding into the space next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and dabbing at his face with his sleeve. TK hadn’t even realised he was crying until Carlos was there, wiping the tears away. Then Carlos placed his hand over TK’s own on his chest. His nails were still pinching painfully at his skin through the thin material of his shirt. Carlos intertwined their fingers and gently coaxed TK into unclenching them. He let their hands drop onto TK’s lap but he didn’t let go.

“When I woke up in the hospital my mom and dad were both there and told me in no uncertain terms that I was going to rehab. It was the only time since the divorce I’ve ever seen them on the same side of an argument,” TK said with a wet laugh. “I’ve been clean ever since.”

TK let his head fall back against Carlos’ bicep as he started to curl into his side. It was almost magnetic the way their bodies seemed to fit together. If it wasn’t for how tense Carlos felt around him, he could almost have pretended it was just like old times.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said eventually.

“Don’t be,” TK replied, tilting his head up to look at Carlos, surprised to find his face only inches away. “They were my choices. I did it to myself.”

“I should have been there, TK,” Carlos whispered and TK couldn’t help the way his eyes flicked down to his mouth and back up. He gulped when he saw that it had not gone unnoticed. Carlos’ cheeks flushed and his eyes widened.

“Also something I did to myself,” TK murmured as he raised his free hand to cup Carlos’ face. Carlos turned into the touch, his lips falling open as they inched closer.

“TK…”

It was both a warning and a want.

“Carlos…”

 It was a prayer.

They were so close TK could almost taste Carlos’ breath and he had to bite back a moan when Carlos’ tongue curled out over his bottom lip, leaving it wet and glistening, as his head dipped towards him. TK’s heart hammered in his chest and he parted his lips in anticipation.

So close.

The shrill note of Carlos’ ringtone cut through the moment and they jumped apart, Carlos practically leaping off the couch to grab his phone from the table. TK sank back into the cushions, like a pop rocket that had failed to go off.

“Hey Michelle,” Carlos said as he answered the phone. He sounded breathless, his voice a few octaves higher than normal as he protested, “No, no everything is fine.”

TK watched as whatever Michelle was saying on the other end of the line had Carlos squaring his shoulders and when he looked back over at TK a rigidity had crept back into his expression.

“I know…uh huh…right,” Carlos was saying as he scrubbed a hand over his face and paced. “Yes… I promise. OK. Love you too Chica.”

He hung up but kept his back turned to the TK, the phone clenched in his hand. TK got up and made to grab his coat. He felt terrible for letting himself get caught up in the moment when clearly it had made Carlos uncomfortable.

“I should go,” he said as Carlos’ head snapped up to look at him.

Carlos’ face was clouded with uncertainty but he nodded at him. “OK.”

“Thank you for dinner,” he said, trying to smile. “And for listening.”

“Any time.” Carlos tucked his phone away into his back pocket. There was barely a metre of space between them but TK felt as if it might as well be an ocean.

He had one hand on the door handle but before he could stop himself he was blurting out, “Do you want to come over tomorrow night? Let me return the favour. Or, well, my dad will cook but you know what I mean.”

He bit his lip as he waited for Carlos to say something, sure he was about to be politely declined.

“I get off shift at 6,” he said instead, taking a few steps forward and folding down the collar of TK’s jacket where it had popped up. His tight smile was back, but his touch was gentle as he brushed down the front of his coat.

TK carefully picked his way through the snow to his car. Before climbing into the front seat he turned to give a two fingered wave to Carlos. He was standing in the doorway, one hand resting on the frame above his head and the other buried in the front pocket of his jeans, his shirt pulling up to reveal a flash of stomach. It gave TK butterflies and had him stammering out, “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Tomorrow,” Carlos called out in reply. “Sleep well, TK.”

He retreated back inside and closed the door, taking the light with him. It took every ounce of willpower TK had to drive away.

22^nd December 2011

Carlos was sat at his desk with his headphones in, music blasting in his ears, as he tried to lose himself in his book.

It was still strange being back at his parent’s place after a semester living in dorms in Austin. Even if he had come home most weekends, it had now been two weeks since term ended and he was already getting frustrated.

It was nice that his sisters were back for the holidays too and he was grateful for the time together as a family but everyone was acting like nothing had changed and Carlos felt like he was going to combust.

He checked his phone hopefully but there were still no new messages. He contemplated booting up his laptop and checking facebook too but decided there was no point.

He doubted TK would have replied.

He knew he was meant to be getting in today - because he had bumped into Owen at the store a few days prior not because TK had told him – and had texted and sent a facebook chat message to ask TK if he wanted to meet up.

Maybe the fact that he hadn’t spoken to TK in weeks should have deterred him but the fact was he was lonely and he missed his friend.

They’d tried to continue on as normal in the lead up to graduation but it had never really felt the same; there had been a desperate edge to everything they said, every kiss and touch a battle of who could give the most, who could take the most.

TK had gone to New York to see his mom for the first 3 weeks of summer and they had agreed that they should take that time to try and get used to being apart. The plan was that they wouldn’t talk while he was away and when he returned they would be friends only- strictly no boyfriend stuff.

TK had lasted two days before calling him and they spent the rest of the summer in TK’s bed pressing lips against every inch of skin until there was nowhere on his body that TK hadn’t touched in some way.

The night before TK had left for LA they had both cried as they made love under the stars on their secret hilltop. It was cliché but TK was all about creating movie moments and Carlos would give him anything he wanted.

He didn’t leave his room for three days after TK left.

A few weeks later his parents drove him to Austin to move him into his dorm and then surprised him with his very own car so he could make the journey home regularly.

He liked college; he enjoyed the change of pace, found his classes interesting and got on well with his roommate. He went out to bars with a fake ID a classmate procured for him and tried not to think about what his dad would do to him if he found out. He threw up from alcohol for the first time and accompanied his roommate to a tattoo shop to get his nipple pierced and then again to the clinic when it got infected. His digital camera was full of photos of new friends that he posted to a facebook album titled ~*Freshman Year xD *~.

He never stopped missing TK.

As the semester wore on their calls and messages got more and more infrequent until all Carlos had was a string of unanswered texts and an invitation to join Farmville.

One night Carlos was feeling particularly miserable after clicking through photo after photo TK had been tagged in from a beach party that could have been lifted from a Hollister ad; everyone was so stupidly attractive and TK fit right in. It looked like he was thriving in LA. He was always at the beach or hiking in the hills or drinking fancy coffees with beautiful people from the acting classes he had had to beg his mom to help pay for.

Carlos usually tried to be happy for him but that night he couldn’t help but resent him. TK had promised him they would stay friends, it had been his whole reasoning behind why they had to break up, and yet he wouldn’t text him back.

One moment he was googling gay bars nearby and then, after choking down three shots of his roommate’s vodka for courage, he found himself in a sweaty club grinding against a cute blonde guy called David. They made out against a wall for a while and then exchanged numbers before parting ways.

It was a relief to him that he had liked kissing a guy that wasn’t TK, not because he was any less in love with him than before, but because he had been starting to worry that maybe he wasn’t gay after all and was just some kind of TK-sexual. Being in the club that night, surrounded by men comfortable in their own skin, he had felt like he belonged.  

He went back every Wednesday night and his roommate and friends knew and they didn’t care.

He went on a coffee date and kissed a boy in public for the first time and the world didn’t end.

He had finally started to feel free in Austin

A knocking at his window made him jump. Pulling his earbuds out he spun around in his chair and felt his heart surge at the sight of TK sliding the window open.

He had half a mind to slam it shut out of spite but then TK was smiling at him, nervous and hopeful, and asking in a voice that was already crawling under his skin, “Can I come in?”

“That depends,” Carlos said with a scowl. Inside his stomach was doing flips.

“On what?” TK said, sounding worried.

“On whether or not you brought me a present,” he said teasingly, sticking his tongue out for the full effect. As if he was ever not going to let him in. Especially after TK’s face split into a grin and he chucked a little brown paper bag through the window before climbing through himself.

Carlos picked it up so he wouldn’t have to look at TK now there was no barrier between them.

“Go on then,” TK urged him. “Open it.”

He slid his fingers into the opening and teased out the little plastic sleeve, gasping when he saw what was inside of it. It was a small gold cross on a chain, tiny really, but it had Carlos feeling suddenly tearful.

“I know it’s not much,” TK said hurriedly when Carlos didn’t say anything. “But I am totally broke at the moment and I saw it on this little stall in Venice Beach and it made me think of you so…”

“TK,” Carlos interrupted him, “I love it, thank you.”

TK gave a sigh of relief but he still looked on edge so Carlos closed the space between them and pulled him into a hug. He felt TK relax into the embrace and he closed his eyes as he inhaled TK’s scent, finally feeling like he was home.

“I’m still mad at you,” Carlos said into TK’s shoulder before they broke apart.

“I’m sorry,” TK had his eyes glued to his feet. He didn’t need to ask for what.

Carlos took a few steps back and sat down on the edge of the bed. When TK didn’t move, he reached out and took his hand, gently guiding him into the spot next to him. He dropped his hand once TK had sat down and folded his arms across his knees. “I know you’ve been having an amazing time in LA, but you could have at least replied to me.”

“I haven’t,” TK said, scrubbing his hand over the back of his head. “I haven’t been having a good time. It’s been pretty fucking awful actually.”

Carlos looked at him in surprise. “But you’ve been posting all these great things and…”

TK laughed but there was no humour in it. “Yeah the group I hang out with spend a lot of time getting good pictures, and even more time being total dicks to each other.”

“Ok,” Carlos said slowly, astonished by the bitterness in TK’s tone. He had never heard him like this before. “What does that mean, exactly?”

A muscle twitched in TK’s jaw as he looked around the room, everywhere but at Carlos. “It means, that they are all so fake and everything is a competition with them. We are all competing to be the best all the time and they’ve all had so much more formal training than me so I’m struggling in class. But I can’t practice outside of class because I spend most of my free time waiting tables, which none of them have to do because their parents just pay for everything. Everyone I live with and work with all want to be actors too and some of them have been there for, like, 10 years without landing a job. I’m just so out of my depth it’s not even funny.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Carlos tried to ask but TK ignored him, obviously not finished his rant.

“We’re supposed to be trying to get an agent, right, but it’s so hard and everyone I have spoken to has made it pretty clear that if I want to have any chance I’m going to have to pretend to be straight.” He flopped back onto the bed and pulled his hood up over his eyes, pulling the toggles of his jumper tight so it scrunched up around his face like he was a turtle trying to retreat into his shell. “So I am stuck playing at being this stupid, douchey, straight version of myself and I hate it and I missed you. I only didn’t call because…because if I had heard your voice I would have been on a plane straight back home. And before you say it, I know that makes me a selfish jerk but apparently that’s who I am these days so…there.”

Carlos sat in stunned silence as TK tugged his sleeves over his hands and wiped at his face, turning his already half hidden face away so that Carlos couldn’t see him cry.

He shook himself to his senses and then crawled over TK, enveloping him in another tight hug, rolling them over so that they were both on their sides facing each other.

“Ok, it’s ok. It’s all going to be ok,” he soothed, rubbing a hand up and down TK’s back. His resentment drained away as TK snuffled against his chest. “I get why you did it, but I needed you too.”

He wasn’t trying to make TK feel guilty but it was the truth.

TK loosened his hood so he could look at Carlos and he frowned, his mouth turning down unhappily. “Are you struggling in Austin?”

“No, no college is pretty great actually.” He almost felt bad admitting it after everything TK had said. “It’s… Do my parents know you’re here?”

TK looked confused at the sudden change of topic but he nodded and said, “Yeah, of course. I got stuck chatting to your mom for, like, 20 minutes before I could get away. Why?”

Carlos pursed his lips, he wondered what his parents thought about TK sneaking through his window now. “I came out to them.”

TK sat up swiftly, twisting his body around so he could stare down at Carlos. “What? When?”

Carlos rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. “Thanksgiving.”

“Well?” TK squeezed his thigh. “What did they say?”

“They hugged me, told me they loved me.”

“And?”

He snorted. “And nothing. They haven’t said a word about it since. Not one word.”

Carlos was almost ashamed to admit how excited he had been to tell them. Of course he had been nervous and a tiny bit frightened, but mostly he was just looking forward to not having to live a lie anymore.

Instead he got crushed.

He understood his parents perfectly. They were not going to kick him out or disown him for being gay but they would just prefer it if he was not. He had embarrassed them and one day he would have to choose; his family and his home or living out and proud, hopefully with a man he loved by his side.

“Oh sweetheart,” TK said, shifting so he was kneeling up beside Carlos and stroking his fingers through his hair. “I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Carlos looked up into his eyes and he wanted to tell him it was ok just to make the guilt he saw there disappear. He had really needed TK though. He had needed him to talk him down and reassure him like he had done every other time Carlos had worked himself into a spiral of self-hatred over loving who he loved. He needed him as the boy who had been his first gay everything but more so as the boy who was his best friend.

“You’re here now,” Carlos said, sitting up so he they were on the same eye level. “That’s all that matters.”

TK’s hand was still cupping the back of his head, his nails scratching softly through his curls. It had always helped calm him when TK did this and he was already starting to feel better about the whole thing just for having told TK.

A thought suddenly struck him. “Are you staying here Christmas Eve?”

TK always stayed Christmas Eve so his dad could work the night shift. Owen would come pick TK up after he got off shift and take him home while Carlos and his family went to his grandparents for lunch. It meant that he had woken up next to TK on Christmas morning every year since he was 7 years old.

“Probably not, actually,” TK said, sounding almost excited. “My dad isn’t working.”

Carlos’ eyebrows shot up in surprise and TK laughed.

“Yeah I know, I was shocked too. I think he might actually have missed me or something.”

“That’s good.” Carlos tried his best to hide his disappointment, he knew how much it meant to TK that his dad had taken the night off, but it was going to be strange.

“I can still come to church with you though, right?”

“You want to?”

“Of course,” TK grinned, bouncing on his knees in delight. “It’s tradition.”

Tradition. Carlos was at war with tradition. On the one hand he thought it was a good thing; it held people together and kept them coming back year on year revisiting moments of connection in a way that allowed them to endure. His parents, his hometown, his church, were all traditional. It made them reassuringly predictable and gave Carlos the courage to go out into the world and experiment, to test his boundaries and learn his limits all the while knowing he had a safe place to land that was unchanging.

On the other hand tradition also made his parents fear anything that was different to what they knew and for Carlos to meet the expectations that their traditions dictated it would mean more shame and self-denial.  It would mean stifling parts of himself that were unchangeable but unacceptable to his parents.

He didn’t want to be another casualty of this war but he didn’t know how reconciliation could ever be possible.

Carlos realised he was still holding the packet with the necklace TK had given him. He thumbed over it a few times, deliberating, until with a steady resolve he ripped open the packaging and handed the chain to TK. “Will you put this on for me?”

If TK thought it was an odd request he didn’t say so. He just took the cross and shifted to sit behind him as Carlos turned and bowed his head. TK undid the clasp and then his arms were coming up over Carlos as he placed the pendant against his throat. The back of his hand brushed against his neck sending a shiver through Carlos and he could swear he felt TK trembling as he tried to fasten the chain in place. Once it was secured, he trailed one of his hands achingly slowly down Carlos’ spine as he smoothed the fingers of his other hand over the length of the chain, coming to rest on the top of the cross.

When Carlos swallowed and his throat bobbed TK’s fingers curled around the necklace. He didn’t think either of them had taken a breath yet.

“There,” TK whispered, his lips brushing against Carlos’ earlobe, “Looks good on you.”

Something broke inside of Carlos and with a gasp he arched his head back, twisting a fist up into TK’s hair and pulling his head down as he craned up to connect their lips.

This was what he wanted; TK’s tongue seeking out his own, his hand curling around his hip as he pulled Carlos back against him, to swallow up the needy moans TK was letting out.

He wanted TK to latch on to the hollow at the base of his neck and leave his own mark there right next to the cross.

He wanted to be able to wear them both with pride.

They tumbled sideways onto the bed and Carlos rolled onto his back as TK straddled his hips, diving back down to keep kissing him.

A loud clanging sound from the kitchen had them snapping apart. Carlos pulled a pillow over his crotch as TK tried to fix his hair.  It took them both a minute to realise no one was coming into the room.

TK laughed nervously. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I wanted you to.” Carlos raised the pillow off of his lap to show TK what he had done to him. “See.”

“Carlos,” TK groaned. “We can’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re both leaving again in a few weeks.” TK sounded frustrated.

“Can’t we just pretend until then?” Carlos knew he wasn’t thinking entirely with his upstairs head when he said it, and that it would inevitably lead to more heart ache when their time together ended again, but he also knew he wouldn’t regret it.

TK’s eyes raked over him, pensively taking him in as he considered what Carlos was suggesting until his mouth spread into a slow grin. “Yes. Yes. Please let’s do that.”

Then he was on him again, discarding the pillow to one side so he could connect their hips and grinding down. It was like no time had passed as Carlos let the taste and smell and feel of TK on top of him overwhelm him. It wasn’t until TK was kissing down his chest, his hands climbing underneath his shirt to push it up, that a thought struck him. “Have you been with anyone else?”

TK stilled and rested his chin on Carlos’ stomach, looking up at him from beneath alluring eyelashes. “Do you really want to know that?”

Carlos thought about it for a moment. He definitely didn’t want to have to admit to TK that he’d been with several boys since him and it would shatter every illusion he was trying to create if he pictured TK with someone else. They had the holiday to be together and he had condoms, that was good enough for him.

He shook his head. “No, I don’t.”

“Me neither,” TK said before reconnecting his lips with Carlos’ skin.

There was another crash from down the hall and Carlos groaned. “We can’t do this here.”

TK sighed and started to pull away. “My dad isn’t working tonight, he’s at home too.”

They stared at each other despondently. Carlos thought about his car but he didn’t know anywhere he could drive them that they wouldn’t risk getting caught and it was too cold for it to be fun anywhere outside. Memories from senior year flooded him and he looked at TK hopefully. “Treehouse?”

TK’s eyes lit up. “Treehouse!”

They were on their feet in an instant and Carlos was unsurprised to see TK head for the window and not the door. He considered following him out just to avoid having to face his parents but he knew it would be worse if they found he had snuck out.

“Meet you out front, nerd,” TK called from halfway out the window and Carlos decided that yes, some traditions were definitely worth hanging on to.

20^th December 2021

“I’ll get it,” TK called to his Dad as he ran down the stairs at the sound of the doorbell. He jumped down the last few steps and then slid down the hallway in his socked feet. He had been buzzing with an excited energy all day as he waited for Carlos to arrive and it was making him act like a big kid. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such anticipatory pleasure.

He took a second before opening the door to try and compose himself. He knew the almost kiss from the night before had been a mistake, a momentary lapse of judgement caused by the emotional intensity of talking about his near-death experience. He had a chance to have Carlos back in his life but knew what fragile ground they were treading and he didn’t want to scare him away again.

“Hey,” he said calmly even as the sight before him made breathing feel impossible.

Carlos was wearing a thick shear lined jacket over a red plaid shirt. His cheeks were flushed pink from the cold and his hair was almost wet with fresh snow, his curls falling forward over his face, and there was a warm brightness in his eyes when he smiled at TK.

In his hands was a clear wrapped cherry pie that he offered up with a smirk, his tongue just poking out between his lips.

“Suck up,” TK said as he took the pie so Carlos could shed some layers. The fabric of his shirt strained over his biceps as he rolled his sleeves up and TK had to avert his gaze before he did something crazy like squeeze them.

“Just good manners,” Carlos replied his eyes crinkling with joy at TK’s barb.

There was an ease to him that hadn’t been there the night before, TK thought, as he led him through to the kitchen, he was much more like the Carlos of old he remembered.

Owen greeted Carlos with a friendly hug and some talk passed between them that sounded like follow up on a call they had been on together. It made TK feel almost left out and he was hit by the realisation of how much shared experience they must have. The town might not change but people did and life still went on. He wondered how much his dad left out of their conversations. Or more realistically what TK never made the time to ask.

TK placed the pie on the countertop with a thud that had his dad and Carlos turning to look at him, like they had suddenly remembered he was there too.

“Will you boys set the table, please?” Owen asked and then he beamed. “Been a while since I’ve said that one.”

TK and Carlos shared a look, a wordless conversation occurring. TK asking if this was really all ok and Carlos answering with a quick nod of his head. He was giving his permission for them to go on with the evening with the familiarity of old times.

It was an odd feeling to sit down for a meal just the three of them again after so long and TK tried to make up for lost time by finally asking about what he had missed in all the years he had been away. He had forgotten how much gossip flowed around a town like New Florence – how affairs and scandals were not just commonplace but openly discussed among members of the community.

Like Nancy and Mateo both crushing on each other – everyone knew apparently. They both knew the other liked them back so TK asked why they weren’t together yet.

Carlos laughed. “Oh Nancy is waiting for valentine’s day.”

“What? Why?” TK asked incredulously.

“Because she wants that to be their first date and anniversary,” Carlos explained like it made total sense. “She thinks its romantic. Besides it’s not like Mateo is going anywhere.”

“And he’s going along with it?”

“Oh yeah, I mean I’m pretty sure they have hooked up a whole lot after leaving The Bar but we all just pretend we don’t know that.”

“Jeez,” TK laughed. “How does anyone keep a secret in this town?”

A moment of awkward silence passed as TK realised that at least two of the people around the table had kept a huge secret for years. Carlos was staring down at his plate and he saw his dad glance between them.

Owen cleared his throat. “So TK where are you jetting off to when you leave us this time?”

As grateful for the change of subject as he was he kind of wished his dad had chosen something else other than his imminent departure. He was only just settling into the rhythm of being home.

“Technically not meant to tell anyone yet but,” he said conspiratorially, “I am starting prep in LA for a new film. I’m really excited about it actually.”

His dad looked at him expectantly but he waited until he knew Carlos’ eyes were on him too.

“I’m going to be playing a New York Fire Captain in a movie about 9/11.”

“Oh TK, really?” his dad said and TK was surprised to see his eyes filling with tears.

“Yeah. It’s a really good script Dad, I swear. It’s not some sensationalist action or anything. It’s a proper tribute to the firefighters who went in and how they were affected in the aftermath too.”

His team had fought him on it. They hadn’t even wanted him to audition because they said it was below him to do a low budget movie, said it wouldn’t be a hit and would mean turning down a role with one of the big studios but TK had stood his ground. He had fallen in love with the part and had been blown away by the passion and commitment of everyone involved in the project. It had reminded him of the movies he had made early on his career when he had still enjoyed the process. That had been one reason at least. The other had been that it had made him feel close to his father at a time when he was feeling lonely and homesick.

“Maybe you could come along to the shoot dad? Make sure it’s authentic? I mean I know you weren’t there or anything but…” But his old crew had all been there. Some of them lost their lives and Owen had never been able to fully let go of the guilt he felt that he hadn’t been.

His dad reached out and placed a hand over his on the table and squeezed it gently. “I’d like that, son. I’ve never seen you work before. It would mean a lot to me. Excuse me.”

He left the room under the guise of bringing dessert in but TK didn’t miss him wiping his eyes on the way out.

“That sounds amazing, TK.” Carlos said it like he was proud of him and was looking at him with sincere affection that made his heart flutter.

“Thanks,” TK mumbled and blushed. For some reason praise from Carlos always affected him more than from anyone else.

His dad returned with the pie and his face lit up when TK actually accepted a slice. He was relieved when he didn’t vocalise his approval though. TK had been feeling slightly unhinged since the moment he had woken up and had been battling all day with a fear of spinning out of control. He knew part of it was his bodies physiological response to being nourished with more calories in one meal than he was used to consuming in entire days but there was another side to it. The mental side that told him he was weak and a failure and that if he looked in the mirror he would see the evidence of that food and that a camera would only magnify it ten times more.

He wanted to eat the pie though and somehow being around Carlos and his dad made it feel like less of a big deal. Like, just maybe, one day this could be a normal occurrence and not one he had to perform mental gymnastics to enjoy.

It helped that the pie was amazing and that when his leg started jiggling under the table as he held the next forkful in front of his lips he felt Carlos’ hand land on his knee. It was gone before he knew it but those few seconds of reassuring pressure helped to ground him again.  

“So TK there is actually something I wanted to ask you to do for me while you are home,” Owen said as they finished up eating. “I babysit Charlie sometimes and she’s getting bigger now –“

“Judd and Grace’s daughter,” Carlos cut in to clarify, obviously noticing TK’s confusion.

“- so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind clearing out the old tree house so she can play up there?”

“Sure,” TK said, absentmindedly licking cherry sauce off his fork.

Owen looked at them both fondly as he reminisced. “You guys used to spend so much time up there. I remember your last year of high school you even used to take your homework up there…oh. Oh.”

Owen’s eyes went wide and TK heard a choked cough coming from Carlos. He didn’t dare look at him, well aware of the blush creeping up his own face.

 “You guys weren’t studying up there, were you?” Owen said as he covered his face with his hand. “Wow I’m beginning to see why your grades were always so terrible TK.”

“Hey, sometimes we were studying” TK glanced at Carlos. The man was beetroot, and staring determinedly down at his plate, but TK was sure he could detect the faint traces of a grin pulling at his lips. “Besides they don’t pay me the big bucks for my smarts, Dad.”

“Good job you inherited your looks from your old man then isn’t it.” Owen reached out and pinched TK’s cheek. “And I’m very glad I didn’t just send a five-year-old up there to play without checking first.”

“Yeah, probably for the best,” TK said, scrunching up his nose and twisting out of his dad’s grasp.

“Definitely would not want to see what that place looks like under a black light,” Carlos deadpanned. TK was so surprised, and pleased, to hear that Carlos could joke about their old misdeeds, he snorted. Unfortunately he had just taken a large gulp of water and it spat out across the table.

“Definitely not,” he said, trying to keep a straight face as he mopped up the water with his napkin. He could feel Carlos shaking with laughter beside him and it was only a matter of seconds until he was joining in.

Owen just shook his head at them. “Well on that note, you boys are on clean up.”

Owen made them do the dishes as he sat at the kitchen island and watched them. He had the radio on and country music was playing.

TK and Carlos were stood side by side over the sink - Carlos washing and TK drying – and their shoulders kept bumping. Unlike the previous evening there was no charged, tense atmosphere building. It just felt comfortable. Carlos was even flicking water on him and TK batting him away with the dish cloth like they had done when they were teenagers.

“So Carlos will we be seeing you Wednesday night then?” Owen said.

“What’s Wednesday night?” TK asked looking curiously between his dad and Carlos as he dried the last of their dinner plates.

“It’s line dancing night at The Bar.” Owen put on a thick Texan drawl as he said it.

TK’s mouth dropped open. “Dad, please tell me you haven’t started line dancing?”

“Oh not just me,” he replied, winking at Carlos before he disappeared out to the hallway.

TK turned to stare at Carlos. He’d been bigger than TK since they were 16, he was broad chested and muscled. You could describe him as hulking and powerful. TK couldn’t picture him box stepping and heel clicking across a dusty old dance floor. “You too huh?”

“Damn right.” There was a teasing glint in Carlos’ eyes and suddenly TK really, really wanted to see him dance.

It seemed he was going to get his wish when Owen swung back into the room with a cowboy hat on his head and another in his hand. He turned the radio up and then placed the other hat on Carlos’ head.

Carlos shot TK a searing look from under the brim of his hat, his grin devilish as he snarled, “Yee haw.”

TK threw his head back and laughed uproariously as he watched his dad and Carlos, two grown men in checked shirts and cowboy hats with their fingers looped into their belt hooks, stomp and kick across the kitchen floor. It was a sight that filled him with so much joy, the unabashed sincerity behind the dance moves and the connection so clearly evident between them and the music like it held the whole narrative of the culture they had grown in.  He was hit with an impulse to preserve it so he slid his phone out of his pocket and hit record.

“Yee haw indeed,” TK called out as they started to swing each other around. He was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. He couldn’t remember a time he had felt this happy and with a sudden realisation he thought: I could get used to this.

The music stopped as the radio station cut to adverts and it was like a spell had been broken. Whatever magic thread had been holding the evening together snapped and Carlos lowered the hat, holding it bashfully against his stomach. TK could almost see him crawling back inside his shell.

“Thank you for dinner sir,” he mumbled to Owen, not looking up from the floor as he did. “I should get going.”

Owen seemed to recognize the change in Carlos’ demeaner and didn’t push him. “No problem, son. It was really nice to have you both back at my table.”

Carlos nodded and his eyes flicked to TK for a moment.

“I’ll see you out,” TK said. Back in the hallway he watched apprehensively as Carlos slid into his jacket and wrapped a thick scarf around his neck. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Last night or with the tree house stuff tonight.”

Carlos blushed but a small smile tugged at his lips. “TK, don’t worry about it. I had a really good time, I swear. I just have a long shift tomorrow and I need to get home before the snow gets too bad to walk.”

“You’re walking? What happened to your car?”

“The Camaro isn’t exactly cut out for this weather.”

“I’ll drive you.” When Carlos tried to protest TK put his hands up and said earnestly, “No Carlos I insist.”

He threw on his own coat and led them out to where his rental car was parked in the drive. Snow was falling thick and fast and there was a good foot or more building up.

“I can’t believe how much snow there is,” TK commented as they waited in the car for it to warm up enough to melt the ice on the windscreen. It was dark but there was a greenish hue from the lights on the dash that washed over Carlos’ features, deepening the shadows and making his jaw line and cheek bones even more pronounced.

“Yeah, I heard its way worse up in Austin. Proper blizzard and people are having to evacuate,” Carlos said softly. “At least here its mostly just traffic stuff and welfare checks.”

TK wondered if the weather would clear before he was due to fly back to LA and what it meant that he was suddenly fantasising about getting snowed in in New Florence of all places.

Silence settled over them as they drove the few streets over to Carlos’ house but it wasn’t awkward, they were both just lost in their own thoughts.  

“Thank you for coming tonight,” TK said as they pulled up outside Carlos’ house.  “I hope this means we can be friends again.”

Carlos paused, one hand on the door latch. “Of course. I would really like that.”

“Yeah?” TK breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Yes.” Carlos nodded and sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth. He opened the car door and a gust of cold snowy air swirled around them. TK shivered.  “So will you be there on Wednesday?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” TK replied with a grin. He stayed and watched until Carlos was safely inside.

24^th December 2014

Carlos thought his first midnight mass without TK shouldn’t feel as wrong as it did. After what happened when he went to visit him in LA that summer he should not be surprised he didn’t come home for Christmas.

The candles flickered along the walls, casting warm shadows, and the choir were just retaking their seats as the priest prepared to make his address. He was sat at the end of the pew next to his mother and the absence of TK to his right made him feel strangely vulnerable. He missed the way TK used to press against him, from thigh to shoulder, and the way it made him feel safe and grounded. He toyed with the gold cross that hung around his neck, sliding it back and forth along it’s chain. He thought back to that mass three years earlier, sitting there with TK’s fingers running a trail surreptitiously up the outside seam of his jeans and feeling painfully aware of the marks his mouth had left on his chest mere hours before. Carlos had felt so powerful. So hopeful.

The Priest’s words jarred him from his memories.

“Yet now they want to pass laws that will threaten the holy sacrament of marriage and the sanctity of Christ’s blessing for the union of man and woman. Let us pray that the men of power in this great nation have the strength not to bow to those individuals that would have us tarnish the communion of marriage with their sins. By the grace of god-“

Carlos felt bile rise in his throat. He stared down at his boots and tried to shrink into himself, like making himself smaller might make him less aware of his mom clasping her hands in prayer next to him.

He hated himself. He wished he had the courage to stand up and challenge the priest and all in the congregation who believed in what he was saying. To stand before them and say; “What about me is so wrong?”

He wanted to call out the base hypocrisy of these people. He knew what went on in the ‘sanctity of marriage’ in this town. The affairs, the violence, the misery. He’d been a police officer here for nearly a year now and he had seen it all.

What did they want him to do exactly. Lie? Hoodwink some woman into a fake marriage? Would that save his soul from the eternal damnation the priest promised awaited him?

How was that better than living with love and honour and truth. He could not believe that the all-seeing, all-knowing God he believed in would be happier with the former than the latter.

He thought about TK and LA and had to bite back a sour laugh. The knowledge that his church could consider what he was doing holy and Carlos a sinner twisted in his gut.

It had been Carlos’ first time on a plane when he flew to LA. TK had been begging him for years to come visit him but between finishing his associate degree and starting the Police Academy there hadn’t been the time. Then immediately after graduating the academy he got a job as a rookie in the New Florence Police Department and his first PTO wasn’t until July.

He had finally made it though and TK had picked him up from the airport, greeting him with a massive hug and a promise to show him all the sights.

They visited Venice Beach and Hollywood Boulevard and the Walk of Fame. They hiked up in the hills to see the Hollywood sign and went to Universal Studios and Disneyland and everywhere they went TK got recognised and asked for selfies and autographs.

His first movie had come out that year; a low budget, indie romance that had taken the film festivals by storm. TK had money for the first time in his life and told Carlos that he had offers pouring in. Carlos was proud of him and brushed off his apologies as he offered to take photo after photo for his fans. He tried not to feel hurt by the distance TK insisted on keeping between them when they were out in public. He more than made up for it when they were alone together in his apartment.

It was on his last night there that they went out in West Hollywood with some of TK’s actor friends. Carlos couldn’t lie, he did not like them. To him they seemed vain and shallow and obsessed with money, fame and girls. He hated the way they treated TK. They fawned over him, clearly loving that TK’s burgeoning fame got them VIP access and attracted girls to their table. As soon as his back was turned however, they were questioning his talent and calling him a country hick in a way that Carlos presumed was simple jealousy. It still made his skin crawl.

His worry for TK only grew as he pretended not to understand why they all kept disappearing to the bathroom. One of the guys, Brad, was hanging off of Carlos and talking non-stop in his ear. Had he considered modelling? He was pretty enough. Oh so he knew he was pretty then. He himself had booked loads of modelling gigs. Did Carlos watch Law and Order because maybe he’d seen him in that one episode? He’d played a friend of the victim and he was proud of the way he’d managed to cry so convincingly. Could Carlos cry on command? No. Did he want him to teach him the secret? No. Ok. Didn’t Carlos think this club was a bit lame anyway? It was so embarrassing when you were the most famous people in a place, didn’t Carlos agree?

After what seemed like an age, he finally asked Carlos what he did for a living.

“I’m a cop,” Carlos had drawled and smiled sardonically as Brad’s eyes widened in panic and he wiped at his nose as he excused himself from the table.

Carlos wanted to get out of there. It wasn’t his scene at the best of times but the way TK had his arms draped over the two girls sat either side of him was making him feel itchy. TK’s pupils were almost blocking out his irises as their eyes met across the table and he was gnawing on his lip as he nodded along with whatever the girls were saying to him. Carlos wanted to scoop him up and carry him home, wrap him up and keep him safe in his arms forever.

He had a horrible sense of foreboding that he tried to shrug off as TK extracted himself from the ladies and slid into the space next to him. “The guys want to head to a house party if you don’t mind?”

Carlos found himself nodding his head and agreeing to go. He didn’t want to risk letting TK out of his sight and he knew TK wasn’t going to be heading to bed anytime soon. So he did what he always did and followed TK.

The house was already overflowing with people when they arrived. There was music pounding from speakers set up by an actual DJ as strobe lights flashed across the crowd. Everywhere he looked couples were hooking up or two or three people were huddled over a counter with a rolled-up note with lines of white powder disappearing up it.

It was nothing like any house party he had been to before. The ones of his youth had featured twister and spin the bottle set to the tinny soundtrack from an ipod dock.

As they pushed through the swarm of bodies he felt TK slip his hand into his own and squeeze it gently and he tried to return TK’s smile when he turned back to look at him.

Hours of liquor and dancing and slipping out from between grinding girls later, Carlos was going room to room looking for TK. He was bleary eyed and tired and he no longer cared about ruining TK’s night – he just wanted to take him to bed and spend what was left of his trip away from these sweaty masses.

He saw a few of TK’s friends in the corner and started to approach them, just catching the tail of their conversation.

“ – whatever, just because he’s been in a movie now he thinks he is so much better than… oh, hey dude.”

The guy at least had the good graces to look a little embarrassed at being overheard. Carlos was passed caring at this point anyway, his opinion of these ‘friends’ of TK’s had been well cemented hours ago.

“Have you guys seen TK?” he asked.

They shared a look between them and them one of them smiled slyly and said, “Sure, he’s just in there.”

He pointed to a door down the hall and with a nod of acknowledgement Carlos turned to enter it.

He wished he hadn’t. Wished he had knocked. Wished he had never come to this god-forsaken party.

TK was sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes closed and head thrown back as he moaned. The long, blonde hair of the girl on her knees was held gently in his hand as her head bobbed between his legs.

Carlos stood frozen to the spot as he took in the scene. Jealousy, anger and shame flared in him as TK opened his eyes and his gaze locked onto him. His mouth went wide in surprise and he started to speak but Carlos didn’t wait around to hear what he said, he just backed out of the room and shut the door behind him. Mind reeling he fled through the house, the jeers of TK’s friends following him as he spilled out onto the street.

TK wasn’t... why would he do that? Carlos was right there. Had been in that girls place only that morning. It didn’t make sense.

He only made it a few houses along before there was a hand on his shoulder and TK was spinning him around.

“Wait. Carlos, please let me explain.”

He stared at TK, trying to find the traces of the man he knew behind the designer clothes and the drug blown pupils. He shrugged out of TK’s grasp and crossed his arms over his chest, waiting silently and wondering how TK could possibly explain this in a way that could make it better.

“I don’t get it, TK. Are you… I mean are you bi now?”

“No.” TK shook his head. “It’s…You don’t know what it’s like here, ok. I have to do stuff like this so that…it has to be believable you know?”

 He looked at Carlos beseechingly, begging him to understand. He didn’t.

“I want lead roles Carlos. I want to be able to play the love interest or the action hero.”

“What does that have to do with a girl sucking you off at a party?”

TK sneered. “Oh don’t be so naïve. Everyone knows gay guys don’t get the best parts. All I’ll get is type cast as the camp best friend in a fucking sitcom if people find out.”

“So these girls have no idea that you’re just using them?” Carlos was horrified and he let it show in his voice.

“Like they aren’t using me too!” TK was almost shouting now and Carlos would have made a comment about being more discreet if he was so worried about getting found out but the street was deserted and the music from the party was still beating loud enough to drown them out. “They get to brag to all their friends about shagging a celeb and their 15 minutes of fame if they ever want to sell their story.”

Sadness settled in his stomach like a brick. He saw TK in a pitiable state and he wanted to help him but he couldn’t get over the burning question at the forefront of his mind. “But how? How can you…”

TK snorted ruefully and said coldly. “A mouth’s a mouth, Carlos.”

Carlos rocked back like he had just been slapped. “Christ, that’s real classy!”

“Don’t you dare judge me,” TK spat and he jabbed his finger at Carlos. “It’s my choice. I’m just making sacrifices for my career.”

“Is that what you tell yourself, to justify this crap?” Carlos retorted.

“Like you’re any better,” TK yelled. “You bring all your boyfriends’ home to mom and dad, do you?  Or, sorry, did I miss the New Florence Pride Parade this year? Don’t pretend like you didn’t climb right back into the closet the minute you joined the Academy!”

Carlos snapped his mouth shut and bit down on the inside of his cheek, refusing to admit that TK had a point. He had made his choices too, and even if he didn’t agree with what TK was doing he could maybe allow that in a twisted way it did make sense.

“Look, Carlos, I’m not saying it’s right or fair but it’s the way it is and I’m doing what I have to. Please don’t make this any worse by hating me for it.”

“I could never hate you TK.” Carlos sighed and finally relaxed his arms from their tight cross. “Can we please just go home?”

TK had nodded and they had shared a silent taxi ride back to his apartment. When they climbed into bed they were careful not to touch but their hands quickly found each other and clasped together in between them.

They filed out of the church, stopping to shake hands with the priest on the way out. There was an icy chill in the air and Carlos stared up at the sky as he waited for his parents to finish their well-wishing. It was inky black and clouded over with thick grey swarms of cloud that blocked out the stars. He wondered if it was going to snow.

His thoughts drifted back to TK once again and pondered his whereabouts and if it was snowing where he was on location, filming some new movie. Was he alone, he couldn’t help but think.

He felt the soft brush of his mom’s palm against his back, “Are you sure you don’t want to come back with us, mijo?”

“Yes mama. It’s my first Christmas in my new home.”

“Hmmm.” His mother pursed her lips and surveyed him carefully. “I just don’t like thinking of you there all on your own.”

She didn’t like thinking of him there with anyone he would want to share it with either, Carlos thought bitterly. She had just sat in church and prayed that he should never be allowed to marry. He would rather be alone than a fraud.

“I’ll be round before breakfast,” he laughed to cover up his aggrievance and let himself be pulled into a hug.

“Ok,” she said, patting him on the cheek. “Sleep well, mijo.”

He briefly embraced his father and waved to his sister and her husband before he turned to walk away, his hands buried deep into the pockets of his jacket.

It still amazed him sometimes, how his parents could have maintained their stony silence on his sexuality for so long. Never asking about his personal life or if there was someone special, like they thought if they didn’t acknowledge he was gay it would stop being true.

He found he questioned himself all the time at the moment. Had he known that moving back to New Florence would mean returning to this repressed state? Had he really believed that he could relocate the freedom he had lived with at college back to his hometown?

It was true that he had not been out at the Police Academy. It had seemed sensible considering that, although it was Austin, it was still Texas and he had decided that flying under the radar as much as possible was the best option.

He was out to his parents though and it was 2014 now so coming back to New Florence had not felt like a risk. Had it really been so fanciful of him to think that things might have progressed since he had left?

He loved his family and he loved his town and it was the only place he really wanted to call home. He just wished he didn’t have to keep an integral part of himself hidden still.

That is what he had prayed for tonight; for God to grant him the strength to hold onto hope that one day he would walk these streets hand in hand with a man he loved and for the courage to make a stand for what he knew was right.

He wasn’t ashamed of himself for being gay anymore but for being too afraid of making waves to own it proudly.

He was almost at the steps up to his door when he noticed the man leaning casually against the wall and a thrill went through him. Not of fear though. Even in the pitch dark he would know that body anywhere.

“TK?”

“Hey stranger,” came the reply, the teasing in his voice barely concealing the nervousness.

“What are you doing here?” Carlos was frozen, half convinced he was hallucinating or dreaming.

TK stood up straight and squared his shoulders like he had taken Carlos’ surprise as an accusation. “I flew in for Christmas. I’m sorry I missed mass.”

“I don’t care about that,” Carlos shrugged off his apology and took the steps two at a time coming to stop just inches from TK. He started to reach his hand out to touch him but stopped himself, scared that he would disappear if he did. “Are you really here?”

TK laughed and it set bells ringing in Carlos’ chest. “I’m here, sweetheart.”

When Carlos didn’t move, TK started to shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Is it ok? I can go if you want?”

The thought of TK leaving again spurred him to action and in a flash Carlos had closed the distance between them and crashed their lips together. TK’s mouth opened in response and Carlos pressed him up against the front door as they kissed furiously. He let all his pent-up frustration at his parents and his church and himself work its way out as he buried his hands in TK’s hair and ground against his hips as they thrust up against him.

Breathless and still not a hundred percent sure he wasn’t dreaming he pulled away, resting his hands on the door frame either side of TK’s head.

“Hi,” he whispered, his breath fogging up in between them.

“Hi,” TK replied and his features slowly spread into a grin.

“Would you like to come inside?”

Several hours later they were lying naked in bed, TK resting on Carlos’ chest with his head nuzzled into his neck. Carlos dragged his fingers up and down TK’s arms marvelling at the chiselled contours of his muscles. TK had always been fit but slender, he had never had this much bulk before.

“Two words,” TK snorted when Carlos said as much out loud. “Personal trainer.”

He was training for a role that he was massively excited for but couldn’t share any details about. Apparently, it was a well-known franchise but the studio was famously hush-hush and he didn’t want to jeopardise his shot.

“I still can’t believe you kept this,” TK said, reaching across to the nightstand to pick up the little Legolas figurine that rested against his reading lamp. He’d blushed when TK had first noticed it as they had tumbled into bed, embarrassed to have his nostalgia exposed in such a way, only to have the feeling sink away as he melted into the heat of TK’s body. It came rushing back with a force now as TK twirled the toy between his fingers.

“You never know what will become a collectors item one day,” he said in an attempt to brush it off. He didn’t want TK to think he was pining for him or read too much into the fact that he slept with a reminder of him by his bed.

“You should see my room,” TK said. “My dad has kept it like a shrine. Hey, that’s a point. Now you have your own place you could finally put your Legolas poster up. Remember the one I got you for your birthday?”

Of course Carlos remembered. He had thought it was sweet that TK wanted to keep alive the little running joke about Legolas being his sexual awakening but the spark of fear of what his dad would say about him displaying a six-foot image of a man from a fantasy series had been a reminder of how unsafe he had felt in his identity.

“I actually don’t think I have a wall space big enough in this house,” Carlos joked.

TK laughed. “You know I met him? Orlando Bloom?”

“No way,” Carlos said, amazed. “Well? What was he like? Was he…you know?”

“As hot in person as on screen? Dude, he’s even hotter. Ridiculously attractive.” TK winked at him. “I asked him if he knew how many gay panics he has caused?”

Carlos groaned. “TK. Tell me you didn’t say that?”

TK just laughed again and then pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw and then settled back to stare up at him. “Just look at you. Working in law enforcement and buying your own place in New Florence. All you need is a Camaro and it’s all your childhood dreams come true.”

Not all of them, Carlos thought with a painful twist in gut. Then again he had a naked TK in between his legs, even if it was only for a few more hours, so maybe it really was a dream come true.

He almost asked him then. He had to bite down on his tongue to stop the three words from slipping out.

Will you stay? He didn’t ask.

I’ll wait for you. He didn’t say

Instead he pulled TK tighter and held him as they watched the sun come up on another Christmas morning they got to spend together.

21^st December 2021

Carlos hated to admit it but the paperwork was kicking his ass. As glad as he was to finally be out of the snow and back into the warmth of the precinct, filling in reports for insurance claims was wearing him down.

Fortunately a distraction arrived in the form of Michelle and dinner. He peeled back the lid of the Tupperware and inhaled the steaming scent of beef and spices and eyed Michelle questioningly. “This is my mother’s cooking.”

Michelle grinned at him over her own portion. “Yeah I had a quiet moment so I swung by your parents on my way. Had a great catch up with Andrea.”

The way she said it, combined with the knowing wink that accompanied it, had him gulping. It was always a disaster when his mom and Michelle started gossiping, especially when he suspected he was the topic.

“She told me this great story about you calling her up, all in a fluster yesterday morning, begging her to bake a cherry pie to take to dinner at a certain person’s house.”

Carlos blushed under her scrutiny and cursed his mother’s big mouth. “So what if I did?”

His mom had been only too happy to bake a pie for her ‘other son’ as she had always referred to TK. It had also been talking to her that had soothed a lot of the anxiety he had been holding onto about TK being in town and the prospect of letting him back into his life.

“People come and go, mijo, but some flames will always burn brighter in the presence of their twin.”

It was exactly what he needed to hear and by the time he had arrived at the Strand residence he had felt like he was harbouring a glow within him that had only grown the more time he spent with TK. There had been a moment, when they were dancing, that he thought maybe TK saw it too and it had made him feel too vulnerable all of a sudden. He was glad TK had asked to be friends but it would take time to rebuild the trust that had once existed between them.

Michelle raised an eyebrow at him. “Jesus Carlos, put that smile away before it blinds someone.”

He hadn’t realised how clearly his thoughts were written onto his face. “It’s fine, Michelle. We are just trying to be friends again, is all.”

“Sure, whatever you say Captain America.”

Carlos groaned. “Please don’t start that.”

“TK says your name and you’re just that little kid from Brooklyn again,” Michelle teased, batting her eyelashes at him. “Are you-” she cut herself off laughing at her own joke, “- are you with him to the end of the line?”

“Michelle, please, I am begging you not to make this a thing.” There was no way she wouldn’t make the joke in front of TK now and he really did not want to have to explain it to him – not when TK had actually been in one of the movies.

“What? It’s kind of a compliment if you think about it. I’m saying you’ve got the ass for it,” she smirked, still amusing herself far more than Carlos. “It’s-“

“-America’s ass?” he finished for her, fighting back the smile threatening to break through again. As much as he complained about Michelle constantly teasing him, he knew the sentiment behind it was one of deep love and affection and he wouldn’t have their friendship any other way.

“Damn right it’s America’s ass,” she exclaimed and Carlos buried his head behind the stack of files on his desk to avoid the confused looks of his co-workers. She shot him another wicked grin. “I could do this all day.”

“Enough,” Carlos laughed. “Now if you want to stay, and not get arrested, you should shut up and eat your food.”

She laughed but actually did what he asked for once and they finished off their food in easy silence. It didn’t last long though.

“Look Carlos, I really like TK, I do. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Carlos appreciated her concern. She had been the one left to pick up the pieces the last time TK left and she knew better than anyone how hard Carlos had worked to get to the place he was in now. He squeezed her hand reassuringly. “I won’t Chica. I’m not the same person I was four years ago and TK definitely isn’t.”

Michelle didn’t look convinced.

“He’s really changed,” he said with emphasis. “He wants to be friends again. And I want that too.”

“Is that all you want?”

“Michelle,” he said warningly.

“Please, Carlos, you and TK have never been ‘just friends’.” She added air quotes and rolled her eyes at him.

“Well we are now,” Carlos retorted stubbornly.

“So you told him about Dan then?”

Sometimes he hated how well Michelle knew him. Carlos lowered his eyes to avoid her stare as he shook his head guiltily.

“Just kind of seems like the whole Dan- thing would be something you would tell a friend,” she said. “But maybe not something you’d tell someone you still harboured romantic feelings for.”

He couldn’t exactly admit to Michelle that he had so far avoided talking to TK about anything remotely personal to do with himself without completely undermining his argument that they could be friends. He shrugged instead and shovelled the last spoonful of food into his mouth before dumping the empty Tupperware back into the bag Michelle had brought it in.

“I have to get back to work,” he said, still not meeting her eyes as he gestured to the ridiculous mound of paperwork that awaited him. He smiled at her though and accepted a one-armed hug so she would know he wasn’t really annoyed at her. She would know he was more frustrated with himself and the blind spot he had whenever TK was concerned.

Except he hadn’t been lying when he said they had both changed and it all felt so different this time around.

He was confused, there was no denying it, but there were two things he knew for sure; 1. he felt good when he was around TK, and 2. he never wanted to lose him completely again.

The rest would work itself out, one way or another.

24^th December 2003

TK and Carlos were in the twin bed in the corner of Carlos’ room after they had returned from the evening mass, still not old enough yet to go at midnight with the rest of the Reyes’ family. They lay facing each other, their legs curled up, like little commas.

“TK,” Carlos whispered. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Do you believe in God?”

His faith in God was not something Carlos had ever questioned before. Religion had been so ingrained in his life for as long as he could remember that to question it would have been like questioning if he breathed or woke up in the morning.

They had been studying world religions in school that semester though and they had been learning about Judaism and Hinduism and Islam. He didn’t understand how there could be his god but also all of these other gods at the same time. How were you ever supposed to know which was the real one or the right one to worship.

He had tried to ask his parents at dinner one night and after lots of tsking and his grandmother repeatedly crossing herself they had all agreed that a sit down with the priest was in order.

The priest had told him that the Christian God was the True God and that there were a lot of poor misguided souls in the world but through Spreading the Message of God it was possible to Save Them. He had handed Carlos some leaflets and reassured him that Jesus Loved Him.

He was scared. Not for his own soul, he trusted his parents unconditionally and trusted they would not have chosen the wrong God. No, he was scared for TK. He was Jewish, although he only went to temple when he visited his mom in New York. He didn’t know if Captain Strand was religious but he definitely never went to church.

He didn’t want TK to go to hell. It didn’t seem fair that someone as good as TK should have to suffer eternal damnation just because his parents had picked the wrong God to believe in.

He wondered if he could get TK to confess his sins and take communion maybe there was still a hope he could be saved too.

He liked the idea of an eternity in paradise with TK.

He was sure if Jesus could love someone like Carlos – someone who had sinful thoughts sometimes – then he must surely be able to love TK. TK was perfect. He was so easy to love.

“I don’t know,” TK admitted and Carlos felt his heart sink a little. “Do you?”

“Yes,” Carlos responded immediately. God heard everything and Carlos didn’t want to let him think he had doubts anymore. “I don’t want you to go to hell TK.”

TK laughed softly beside him, “Why would I go to hell?”

“Because only Christians go to heaven.” Carlos couldn’t see what was funny about any of this.

“I don’t believe that,” TK said, ruffling his fingers through Carlos’ curls. He liked when he did that, it calmed him down.

Carlos opened his mouth to protest more but was swiftly silenced when TK placed a finger over his mouth. He had never been aware of his own lips before but as TK touched them it was like they suddenly started to exist. “Relax, Carlos. You worry too much. It’s all going to be ok, you’ll see.”

TK’s hand dropped from his face to Carlos’ chest, coming to rest on top of his heart which jumped into existence the same way his lips had done.

“How can you know that?”

“Because we’ve got each other, silly,” TK said. “We’re the ultimate team. The best duo since…since Harry and Ron!”

Carlos screwed up his nose. “Or Frodo and Sam?”

“Or the Power Rangers.”

“Which ones?”

“All of them.”

They both laughed.

“How about Ash and Pikachu?” Carlos asked.

“You’re Pikachu then,” TK said, shoving Carlos gently with the hand that was still clutching his chest.

“Am not.”

“Are so!”

“Quiet down now boys,” came his mother’s call from just outside his bedroom door.

They shuffled down further under the covers and Carlos let himself drift off to sleep, the comforting pressure of TK’s hand still pressing over his heart.

21^st December 2021

TK sat at the kitchen island, the left-over pie in its dish in front of him, and tried to keep his breathing even as he told himself he could do this.

Sticking the fork through the perfectly crumbly crust he scooped up a mouthful. He watched the cherry juice form into syrupy droplets and let them slip back into the dish. Each drip, drip, drip seemed to ring in his ears, taunting his failure.

He took out his phone and snapped a selfie from above, the forkful of pie held up to his lips and the rest of the plate visible on the counter below him.

Dropping the fork he posted the photo to his Instagram with the caption: Shhh don’t tell @humblewarrior.

He was sure tagging his personal trainer was going to earn him some gruelling work outs when he made it back to LA but he liked the impression it gave that he was actually taking a proper vacation for once. Even if the pie did go uneaten.

He fantasised about posting a second photo, one of him lying on the floor crying over his inability to eat food like a normal person because his values were so distorted after ten years in the industry. He could call it: Instagram vs Reality.

It would almost be worth the shit storm his team would rain down on him just to feel like he was living his truth for once.

Instead he stuck one fingertip into the dish and licked the thin veneer of cherry from it.

“See,” the voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like his first ever PT said. “Isn’t that basically as satisfying as eating a whole slice.”

He was the one who had taught TK that trick. He’d taught him lots of tricks like that; skipping meals and juice diets and enemas. Then he’d discovered drugs and weight had stopped being an issue. Oh how the praise had piled on for that – along with warnings to not let it interfere with work.

Honestly, some days, he was amazed he had survived it all. His dad bustling into the room reminded him how close he had come to not.

He grabbed the fork again and experimented with nibbling on a miniscule bit of crust. Baby steps.

“Hey kid,” his dad said as he started to draw vegetables out of the fridge and place them on a chopping board by the sink. “Stir fry ok for dinner?”

TK nodded and continued to work his way through the bite of pie on his fork, crumb by crumb.

“What’s in that?” Owen asked gesturing with his head to the cardboard box taking up the seat next to TK.

“Cleaned out the treehouse earlier,” TK replied. “Thought I’d see if Carlos wanted to keep any of this stuff before I chuck it.”

Chuck it. Store it away for eternity in a safe place. Same difference.

Clearing out the treehouse had been an ordeal – not all together unpleasant but certainly intense. TK and Carlos had left their mark on the space for sure. Over ten years of accumulated possessions, drawings on the wall, stains on the cushions. A heart carved into one of the beams with TK & CR 4 EVA hewn inside it.

He had found himself laughing and crying in equal measure, until exhausted he had lain on the floor and stared up at the achingly familiar roof. Mapping out the grains in the wood, following them down to where he knew they ended in knots and holes. He had wrapped his arms around himself and let his mind wander through time, connecting to the younger versions of himself that had once lay in that exact same spot.

 “I’m sorry,” he had whispered. Then he shouted it. “I’M SORRY.”

He was apologising to the kid he had been. The one who had been hopeful and excited and full of dreams and promise. The one who had overcome his terror to love his best friend and let him become his boyfriend. It was something his therapist had encouraged him to try but it hadn’t mattered how many sessions he went to, he had never been able to find that child. Here it came almost too easily.

“I’m sorry I ruined it,” he said. “I’m sorry I hurt us. Please forgive me?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and envisioned himself at 6 and again at 18. He imagined them together, offering their hands out to him and helping him up off the floor.

“We forgive you,” he had them say.

His heart stuttered as in his minds eye another voice joined them. Carlos at 10 years old was there too. “I’ll save you TK,” he said. “It’s all going to be ok.”

TK had dissolved into sobs and pulled an old hoody he found there over his mouth and nose to stifle them as he curled into a ball.

His dad had started to slice up the vegetables and TK focused on the rhythmic thud of the knife to keep himself in the present.

“You know I found him up there one night,” his dad said. “Carlos, I mean.”

“What?” TK’s head snapped up. “When?”

“The night Dan left him.”

“Who’s Dan?”

Owen dropped the knife and spun around to face TK, his head cocked to one side. “His ex-boyfriend. Carlos never told you about him?”

TK hung his head and scraped the fork over the base of the pie dish, the discomforting noise matching his mood. “I told you dad; Carlos didn’t want to talk to me.”

Owen hummed and TK didn’t have to look up to know he was getting a disapproving look sent his way. “Dan was some advertising exec he met up in Austin and they must have been pretty serious because he started bringing him round town and he met Carlos’ parents and everything.”

TK felt the hot pricks of jealously and a bitter taste filled his mouth. He already didn’t like the sound of this Dan guy.

“When was this?” he managed to ask around the burn in his throat.

“Maybe two years back,” his dad said. “So, anyway, things seemed to be going well and then one night I get back from shift and see a light flashing up in the tree house. I go out to check and there’s Carlos, drunk out of his mind and curled up in this old yellow sweater.”

TK thought of the hoody he had cried into earlier, the one that was now folded up under his pillow upstairs.

“I managed to get him inside and get some tea and toast into him until he became coherent.”

His dad stalled, his eyes narrowing slightly like he was debating whether or not he should say more. TK appreciated his dad’s respect of Carlos’ privacy but he also needed to know. “What happened with them then?”

Owen sighed. “From what I could make out, Dan got offered a job in New York and couldn’t turn it down. He wanted Carlos to go with him, but you know Carlos. He’d never leave here.”

Yeah, TK knew that. He also thought only a jackass would ask him too – anyone who knew Carlos at all knew this place was his home. He really didn’t like Dan.

“I don’t think it helped the way Dan asked him,” Owen continued. “It sounded like he had just presumed that eventually Carlos would have moved to Austin to be with him anyway so it shouldn’t have made much difference. He also told Carlos if he moved it would make more sense for them to marry so they could claim the tax relief if they bought a place.”

“What?!” TK slammed his hand down flat against the countertop. Now he really, really didn’t like Dan. “That’s ridiculous. Carlos deserves… Carlos is so…”

His dad was eying him knowingly as he watched him splutter indignantly. TK tried to compose himself, but it was hard when he was brimming with a righteous anger on Carlos’ behalf. “Carlos deserves so much better than that. He deserves grand gestures. Big swings you know? Not some guy who wants to marry him for the tax relief!”

Owen turned back to his meal preparation but TK still heard the comment he made under his breath. “I think Carlos just wants someone who’ll stay.”

TK thought about Carlos, drunk and heartbroken, seeking comfort in their tree house. He wondered what it meant that even after all this time, after everything that had happened, they still chose the same safe place to fall apart in.

He hated this faceless Dan who could take an incredible man like Carlos and give him up. For what? A job opportunity. New York City. He was a fool then, TK thought. We’re all fools.

“Hey dad, I’ve been thinking and I was wondering…” TK felt drained and he knew it showed in his voice. He sounded weak and broken. His dad looked up at him with concern. “If I took a break after this next film, like a proper break - a few months or maybe even longer - could I stay here for a bit?”

In a flash Owen was by his side and engulfing him in a tight hug. “Of course, son. I’d like that more than anything.”

TK pressed his face into the soft knit of his dad’s sweater and cried pathetically. His dad didn’t say another word, he just rocked him gently like he was a child.

23^rd December 2016

Carlos smoothed back his hair and straightened his freshly ironed shirt as he went to answer the door. He schooled his face into a relaxed smile, trying to cover any signs that he had spent the past hour pacing. TK had said he’d be round at 8 and it was now nearly 9.45. After his first few texts and calls had gone unanswered he’d begun moving restlessly around his house.

He could tell instantly that something was wrong although he couldn’t put a finger on exactly what. TK’s hair was ruffled in its usual artful disarray and he was dressed impeccably in tight grey jeans and a thick yellow hoody. There was something unnerving in his smile though and his eyes were darting about, refusing to settle on anything and least of all on Carlos.

Before he could say anything, TK was surging forward and kissing him, pushing him back into the house and spinning them around so Carlos crashed against the door that slammed shut behind them. TK’s lips moved frantically over his own as his hands pulled at his shirt, untucking it from his pants messily.

When TK gave up fumbling with his buttons and just ripped open his shirt Carlos tried to put the brakes on, gently taking TK’s face in his hands and raising it away from his neck where he was scraping his teeth over his throat.

“Hey, take a breath Tyler,” he said softly as he looped his thumbs under TK’s hood and carefully lowered it. He let his fingers tangle in the soft hairs at the nape of TK’s neck, stroking through them. TK shuddered under the gentle touch.

“What, you’re the one who called me to come over.” The hollowness to his voice set alarms bells ringing in Carlos’ head. He dropped his hands to TK’s waist in an effort to stop him from pulling away. TK squirmed out of his grasp and started to move about the room, practically following the path Carlos had worn out while waiting for TK to arrive.

“Yeah, but I haven’t seen you in nearly a year,” Carlos said, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. “I thought we could talk first. You know, maybe catch up?”

The way TK snorted made Carlos feel foolish.

“Made some movies. Made lots of money. Fake-dated a bunch of women,” TK listed off as he trailed his fingers across the mantelpiece, not even pausing when he knocked over a framed photo of the two of them. It crashed to the floor but TK just moved on to the bookshelf, pulling books out at random and flicking through them erratically before dumping them back on their sides on top of the other books. “Yadda, yadda…I’m sure you’ve seen the press. What else is there to say?”

I don’t know, he thought, maybe ‘Hey what’s new with you Carlos’. He was glad he was bent over picking up the frame so he could hide his hurt expression. The glass had cracked right over TK’s face and the splinters out from the break cut through Carlos, right down the middle. He placed it back carefully on the mantel and told himself it was no big deal; he would just have to get a new frame for it, that was all.

He turned back to TK and found he had positioned himself on the couch, his legs spread suggestively and his head lolling to the side as he licked his lips. “Come on man, don’t pretend like you give a shit about any of that. I know what you want,” he slurred and he fumbled as he sat up and tried to remove his hoody and t-shirt.

Carlos dropped to his knees on the floor between TK’s legs, spreading his hands across his chest to stop him falling over. TK finally succeeded in untangling himself from his clothes and he chucked the offending items over the side of the couch, managing to knock a lamp over in the process.

He grabbed Carlos’ hands and moved them down to cover his crotch. “You want that, don’t you baby?”

Carlos felt sick. Without the bulky sweater it was evident how skinny TK had become. The little pouch of stomach that he used to carry just above his groin, the one Carlos had loved so much and worshipped so tenderly with his mouth, was gone. There was not an inch of fat anywhere on his torso, and despite the rippling muscles, he looked almost ill up close. He kept alternating between darting his tongue out over his lips and pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth and his eyes were bleary and unfocused.

“You’re high,” Carlos said. A statement, not a question. He could see the faint track marks in TK’s arm.

TK let out a maniacal laugh and rolled his neck. “Whatever you say, officer.”

Carlos wasn’t an idiot; he knew TK used drugs and had seen the proof when he had visited him in LA. Clearly he had gone well past just recreational use, however.

TK’s eyes came into focus for a moment and he reached out his fingers to toy with Carlos’ lips. “Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m all good. Just been party season is all. Just been partying too hard, that’s all.”

Carlos felt the prick of tears as he pressed his lips to TK’s fingers. He shifted his hands down TK’s legs, resting them on his too bony knees.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” TK purred as he sank back against the sofa cushions.

Carlos couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat. He didn’t want TK, not like this.

 “C’mon Carlos, fuck me. You can be rough with it if you want. Smack me around, choke me, use me up. I’m into that stuff now.” He spoke silkily, the smooth voice so at odds with the jarring words and the way his hips twitched and jerked.

“No, TK. I don’t want to use you,” Carlos choked out.

TK didn’t reply, just slid down off the couch and into Carlos’ lap. He tried to grind down against him, dragging his lips across his cheek until he reached his ear. “You’re telling me you don’t want this?”

Carlos didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He couldn’t bear seeing TK strung out like this and he was terrified of saying the wrong thing. There was no way he was going to have sex with TK while he was high but he was worried what would happen if he rejected him. It felt like TK was testing him and he had no idea what the right answer was.

He shuffled out from underneath TK, keeping a firm grip on his thighs to hold his weight until he could gently place him down next to him. He tried to wrap his arms around TK and pull him into a hug but he scrambled away and glared up at Carlos accusingly.

“Tyler,” he said softly, reaching out for him again. “I just want to hold you, ok.”

TK flushed and for a second Carlos could have sworn he saw relief flash across his face but then it turned stony. “Fuck you, Carlos.”

He was on his feet and out of the door before Carlos could even stand up. He scooped up TK’s shirt and sweater and ran out after him – it wasn’t the coldest winter they had ever had but it was still too cold to be wandering the streets topless.

TK was gone. The only trace of him was a flash of headlights disappearing around the corner at the end of the street.

“Shit,” Carlos yelled, smacking one of his hands against the doorframe while the other tensed around the soft fabric of TK’s hoody. He was immobilised by indecision, all his training flying out the window now he was faced with a situation involving someone he loved. He wished he hadn’t been drinking tonight so he could have driven after him but the last thing New Florence needed was two inebriated drivers on the roads. There was no way he could rest until he knew TK was safe, though.

His phone vibrated in his back pocket and he pulled it out hurriedly, praying it might be TK.

There was a text from Captain Strand; TK home. passed out. im sitting up with him so he wont choke on vomit. call tmrw x

Carlos collapsed back against his door with a gasping sob.

If it had been a test, he felt like he had definitely failed.

The next day TK had flown back to LA.

On Christmas morning Carlos woke to find the biggest gift basket he had ever seen on his front step. There was a card attached that read;

Please don’t ever change.

Love, TK.

22^nd December 2021

As expected, The Bar was crowded by the time Carlos piled in behind Nancy and Mateo. He’d met them outside and refrained from commenting on the fact they had arrived together. His eyes were instantly drawn to TK standing at the bar next to his dad and his stomach fluttered when he realised they were talking animatedly to Michelle.

She spotted him across the room and her eyes flashed with glee at his panicked glare.  He dreaded to think how many of his secrets she could spill in the time it took him to push through the crowd and reach them.

TK’s smile when he turned and discovered Carlos at his side was dazzling. He pulled TK into a semi-hug and when he found his lips right next to his ear whispered, “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Told you I would,” TK breathed and Carlos had to bite his lip to stifle his grin. He gave Owen a nod of greeting and tried to avoid Michelle’s stare as he took in his surroundings. The band (a ragtag group from a few towns over who did the rounds of all the local bars – hence why Billy could only host his most popular night on a Wednesday) were still setting up on the stage and people were milling around the bar and their tables as they waited for the dancing to start.

He saw that Nancy and Mateo had joined Paul and Marjan over in the firefighter’s booth and Judd was hanging over the bar flirting shamelessly with his wife. Carlos knew Charlie always stayed over at her grandparents on line-dancing night.

A warmth settled over Carlos as the band tuning their instruments sent a fizzle of activity around the room. Shirts were getting tucked in, hats straightened and partners wrangled. It was a serious business and Carlos loved it.

Michelle’s goading voice snapped his attention back to his immediate vicinity. “So Cap’ you gonna show TK the ropes tonight? He says he’s never danced before, poor excuse for a Texan that he is.”

Owen, who had initially responded to the Captain moniker, looked surprised to find that she was directing the question at Carlos. “Since when are you a Captain?”

Michelle laughed as Carlos spluttered, “Oh, um, I’m not. It’s just a stupid Captain America joke.”

TK’s head was swivelling between Carlos and Michelle, probably trying to make sense of his pleading look. Carlos was silently begging her not to make a Bucky comment. Her playful demeanour did not fill him with confidence.

TK hummed. “Let me guess, it’s the ass right?”

Michelle looked like she might burst with delight but Carlos was too taken aback by TK’s comment on his body to join in their laughter. Luckily for him the band chose that moment to announce they were ready and with a flourish Michelle grabbed Owen’s hand and was dragging him in the direction of the dance floor.

Carlos felt suddenly shy as he awkwardly rocked his shoulder against TK’s. “So, do you want to dance?”

He might as well have been asking him to prom the way the words fell from his lips. TK seemed a little stunned by the weight and sincerity in his voice. Or maybe it was at Carlos’ willingness to be seen up close with him in public.

“It’s no big deal,” he said, trying to lighten the tone when TK remained unresponsive and the music started to play.

“I..” TK stammered, leaning in closer so he could be heard over the band. “I won’t be very good.”

“Just follow my lead,” Carlos said, offering out his hand. TK studied it for a few beats and Carlos’ heart thudded with apprehension. Then TK gave him another dazzling smile and dropped his hand into Carlos’. His heart skipped.

“Lead the way.”

TK hadn’t been lying; he really was terrible. He had no rhythm and he kept turning the wrong way and bumping into people. Carlos wasn’t complaining though because it gave him the perfect excuse to keep his hands on him, guiding his hips or manoeuvring him around their fellow dancers. Also TK looked so genuinely happy, his face lighting up with bemused excitement when a new dance started and they all bustled into place. Every time he whooped and cheered along, Carlos felt like melted butter – warmed from the inside out.

He was having such a good time he forgot to worry about what people might say, seeing them dancing together like this.

Eventually TK flopped onto Carlos, hanging off his shoulders and begging him through laughing breaths, “Please let’s take a break.”

Carlos led them over to a table and TK excused himself, heading off to the bar to buy them some drinks. Now he was alone Carlos felt the old self-consciousness creeping back in. He looked around to see if anyone had noticed them but everyone seemed too preoccupied by the dance floor to have been paying attention. Even TK Strand wasn’t enough to distract from line dancing night.

TK reappeared at his side with a beer for Carlos and a soda and lime for himself.

“Sorry for the wait, it took forever to get Billy’s attention. I mean I know he hates my dad but he looks proper murderous tonight.” He sucked on his straw and Carlos’ hand tightened around his bottle at the sight of TK’s hollowed cheeks and bobbing throat.

Get it together Reyes, he mentally chastised himself, reminding himself they were friends. Had to be just friends because TK was leaving again. He distracted himself by following Billy’s thunderous glare to where Owen was twirling Michelle around in the middle of the dance floor.

“Oh,” Carlos snorted. “He’s just jealous. Him and Michelle kind of have a thing going on.”

TK choked on his drink. “For real?”

Carlos nodded grimly. “Please don’t ask for details. Michelle has so far mercifully spared me the nitty- gritty.”

“God I love this town,” TK said, tongue darting out to capture his straw again. Carlos swallowed thickly and tried to banish the memories it triggered.

For a while they sat in companiable silence, sipping their drinks and watching the soap opera unfolding in front of them as the music slowed and Owen’s hands moved to Michelle’s waist. Carlos calculated the odds of an Owen/Billy punch up occurring later to be about 50/50 at this point. He turned to say as much to TK but was rendered speechless by the way the man was staring intently at him. He blushed under the scrutiny but didn’t look away. A magnetic energy seemed to be charging between them as they held eye-contact. He could read the heat in TK’s gaze and knew if he asked he wouldn’t say no.

Someone bumped into his chair as they squeezed passed and Carlos looked away to acknowledge their apology. It had only been a few seconds exchange but it was long enough to have broken the tension that had been building. He found TK had bowed his head, his eyes now glued to the glass in front of him that he rolled back and forth across the table. Carlos noticed there was a flush spreading down his neck though, disappearing under the collar of the smart black shirt he filled out so well.

He itched to reach out and touch him but it felt too invasive without the pretence of dancing so he occupied his fingers by peeling the label from his beer bottle instead.

“Carlos –“

“Yes,” he replied, his head snapping up embarrassingly fast.

“I’m really sorry things didn’t work out with Dan.”

Carlos felt like ice-water had been tipped down his back. “Oh, um, thanks?”

“My dad told me he proposed to you. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“If you could call it that,” Carlos scoffed, dropping his head in shame. “Whatever. It’s in the past and I’m over it so, there’s really nothing to tell.”

It wasn’t a total lie. In that moment, with TK looking at him with a confusing mix of understanding and relief, he couldn’t care less about Dan. Or any other guy for that matter.

TK had resumed his place as the gravity centre in Carlos’ world. He should probably worry about that, he thought, but decided worry could wait.

He’ll leave, a voice in his head warned, he’ll leave and take pieces of you with him.

Carlos would gladly hand TK the knife.

“I’m still sorry,” TK said.

“Don’t be,” Carlos smiled. “It clearly just wasn’t meant to be.”

21^st December 2012

Carlos was picking TK up from the airport in Austin so they could drive back to New Florence for winter break together. Technically the semester had finished the week before but when TK had told him he wasn’t flying in until the 21^st he had decided to hang around in Austin for one more week. Not that it had been the only deciding factor. When the plans had originally been made he had still been with his boyfriend so it had seemed like a no brainer.

Then Joey had dumped him. He supposed he could have gone home and just driven back to pick TK up but he had decided that a solitary experience in dorms was exactly what his misery required of him. He’d moped and watched sad movies and ate a truly obscene amount of instant ramen. Surprisingly he was actually feeling a lot better.

Obviously not enough to fool TK though.

“Uh oh, what’s wrong?” TK said to him as soon as he was back on his feet after Carlos had scooped him up into a hug and spun him around the second he saw him.

“What do you mean?” Carlos tried to deflect.

“You’ve got sad puppy eyes,” TK replied, batting away Carlos’ hand from where he was trying to take TK’s bag from him. “What happened?”

“What happened to you then? You’ve got your ‘I fucked up’ face on.” Carlos smiled smugly as TK pursed his lips and flashed him a guilty look.

“You first,” TK shot at him.

Carlos sighed and hung his head. “Joey dumped me.”

TK winced. “The restaurant fired me.”

They stood in the parking lot looking at each other glumly until TK’s lip started to twitch and Carlos could feel laughter bubbling in his chest. It burst out of him and then TK was collapsing into his side as he too dissolved into giggles.

“Jesus what a tragic pair we are,” TK grinned.

Carlos smiled back at him as the missing pieces clicked back into place. “Shut up and get in the car.”

Carlos had done the four hour journey from Austin to New Florence more times than he could count, but this was the first time he had done it with TK as his passenger. It made everything on the familiar route seem suddenly interesting and new, like he was seeing it through fresh eyes.

He was regretting handing TK the aux cable and letting him be DJ though.

“Tyler,” he said admonishingly as they turned onto the freeway. “Is this One Direction again?”

TK’s face was the picture of innocence as he sang along to the third song by the boy band in a row.

“Don’t be a snob, Reyes,” he said before resuming his singing, getting louder and louder and leaning over the centre console until he was practically screaming the lyrics in Carlos’ ear. “YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.”

“Hey, don’t distract the driver,” Carlos complained without heat. He shoved TK’s shoulder playfully back into his seat and then let his hand trail up TK’s neck, rubbing at the muscles still tense from his flight.

TK turned into the touch and swung himself around in his seat until he was facing Carlos. He lowered the volume of the music and then asked, “Why’d you and Joey break up?”

Carlos clenched his jaw and brought his hand back to the wheel, hunching his shoulders in as he did. “He wanted to come visit me over winter break.”

“In New Florence?”

Carlos nodded stiffly. “And I told him I didn’t think that would be a good idea. I mean can you imagine what my parents would have said if I’d asked?”

“No change on that front then?”

“At thanksgiving my dad asked if I had met any nice girls in Austin.”

“He didn’t?” TK gasped. “Oh, sweetheart I’m so sorry.”

Carlos used the pretence of looking in his wing mirror to hide the grin that had appeared at TK’s use of the pet name again. He’d refrained from using it once Carlos and Joey had become official. He couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t missed it.

“What annoys me most is that Joey knew how things were with my parents and he still pushed. He basically said if I cared about him enough I’d want to tell them. It’s so different for him though. He grew up in Austin with parents who couldn’t tear the closet door off fast enough. He has no idea how traditional New Florence is.” Carlos was letting it all out now, all the bitter thoughts he had been ruminating on in the weeks since the breakup. He smacked his hand against the steering wheel. “What did he expect anyway? That we’d walk through town hand in hand or make out on main street? We’d get the shit kicked out of us just for looking too gay!”

TK stayed silent beside him while Carlos heaved out some angry breaths. It hadn’t been fair of Joey to put that on him, not when he didn’t have a clue what Carlos was up against.

There had been another reason as well but there was no way he was going to admit that to TK.

Joey told him he didn’t trust him and accused him of not wanting him there because Carlos wanted to be with TK. Of course he had told Joey about their history but he had promised him they were just friends now.

After the previous Christmas, Carlos and TK had both sworn that they would never allow the ‘thing’ that existed between them to stand in the way of new relationships. At the same time they had vowed to never let a boyfriend get in the way of their friendship either.

Carlos could admit it wasn’t the neatest of situations and he couldn’t really blame Joey for having his doubts about it. He wasn’t going to let TK feeling guilty about it though.

“That sucks,” TK declared. “Are you ok though?”

The thing was, Carlos actually was ok. He was sad but it was nothing like he’d felt when TK left for LA. This felt entirely survivable. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. It just clearly wasn’t meant to be” he said reaching back over to TK and dropping his hand onto his knee. “So how did you get fired?”

“Eugh,” TK groaned. “I blew off a shift to go to an audition.”

“TK.”

“I know, I know.” TK sounded exasperated. “But what was I supposed to do? This could have been my big break.”

“Well, was it?” Carlos shot back.

“No,” TK whined. “It was porn again.”

Carlos snorted and soon they were both laughing again.

“You’ll be ok right? For money and stuff?” Carlos checked. Not that he had any way of helping him out if he wasn’t, he was still entirely dependent on his parents.

“I’ll get another job waiting tables easy enough,” TK reassured him. He looped his fingers through Carlos’ own where they still rested on his thigh and turned the music back up.

‘Your hand fits in mine, like it’s made just for me - ’ played out over the speakers and Carlos turned his hand over so he could hold TK’s properly.

‘-it was meant to be. -’

“I can’t believe you’re a One Direction fan now,” Carlos murmured.

‘- And it all makes sense to me-.’

“I’m telling you, that Harry Styles is going to be huge,” TK said, settling back into his seat. “You’ll see.”

‘-it’s you, Oh it’s you they add up to. I’m in love with you and –‘

“All these little things,” they sang together.

22^nd December 2021

TK studied Carlos carefully. He didn’t know what had made him ask about Dan. He’d wanted him to know he could talk to him about anything but all he seemed to have achieved was making him uncomfortable.

“I never seem to be there when you need me, do I?” TK said, inching his hand forward until his fingers brushed Carlos’ where they were wrapped around his beer.

Carlos snuck him a sidelong glance, his eyes immediately flicking away again when they made contact with TK’s but he didn’t flinch out of the touch. In fact he dropped his bottle and grasped TK’s hand properly.

“You’re here now,” Carlos replied kindly. His smile was tight and self-conscious but it filled TK with hope.

He was about to confess to Carlos his intention of spending much more time there next year when he was interrupted by the arrival of Nancy and Mateo collapsing into the seats either side of them.

Carlos dropped his hand immediately.

“I’m exhausted,” Nancy exclaimed.

“Can’t keep up huh?” Mateo said with a teasing grin.

Nancy fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously. “I guess not.”

Carlos cleared his throat. The hand that had held TK’s was clenching and unclenching under the table. “I’ll go get us drinks.” He resolutely did not meet TK’s eye as he got up and walked away. TK just clocked the way his fingers trembled down at his side before Mateo pulled his attention back to the table.

“Hey TK, how’d you get this transition? It’s so cool.” He was holding out his phone, open on TK’s Instagram story.

It was a video of the town taken from up on the hillside. Panning up the town was shot during the day, snow covered streets starkly contrasting the dark, bare trees. As it reached the top it switched to night and the star filled expanse of the dark sky flowed back down to a town now lit by twinkling orange lights. It was smoothly done.

TK laughed. “Oh man I have nothing to do with that. I just take the videos and someone from my team edits them.”

“It’s sick,” Mateo commented. If he said more TK didn’t hear it, too distracted by the next story that popped up from TK’s own account. His stomach suddenly turned to lead.

Carlos and his father in the kitchen, filtered into black and white, were dancing across Mateo’s phone screen. Cowboy hats and all. The camera zoomed in on Carlos’ face, catching the glowing smile that spread across it. He looked happy, his movements easy and free, and it was a stunning sight.

A sight meant for his eyes only.

TK felt a sickening dread and his hands shook as he pulled his own phone out, his sole focus deleting the video. It was too late though and he knew it. He had already exposed Carlos to his 20 million followers.

“Aww, that’s so cute,” Nancy crooned over his shoulder as he pulled the story up again. He looked around frantically, panic starting to set in as his eyes locked onto Carlos’.

He was at the bar with Michelle. She had her phone out angled towards him and TK had no doubt about what was on it. The look of complete and utter betrayal on Carlos’ face spoke volumes.

They stared at each other across the crowded bar and time seemed to slow down. TK could hear the blood rushing in his ears but he couldn’t seem to make himself move. After seconds that felt like hours Carlos shook his head sadly and turned away, walking straight out of the bar and disappearing into the night.

A rush of heat crossed TK’s cheeks and he practically threw himself out of his chair, frantically pushing people out of his path on the way to the exit. He ignored the shouts of ‘Hey’ and ‘Watch it!’ that followed him. All he could think about was his need to get to Carlos, to explain.

He prayed their tentative steps to reconciliation hadn’t been completely undone.

“Carlos,” he called as he stumbled out onto the street, almost skidding on the snowy pavement, and looking around desperately. He was relieved to find Carlos hadn’t left completely but was leaning against the wall down the side of the bar, his breath puffing out an icy fog in front of him. He had his hands buried in his pockets and shoulders hunched forward against the cold. TK didn’t hesitate as he rushed to his side. “I swear I didn’t post it, Carlos. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I would never - ”

Carlos turned his head away. “It’s fine, TK.” He sounded anything but fine.

“No it isn’t. I never would have shared that. Ever. Not without your permission.” Even if Carlos had approved it, TK wouldn’t have wanted to share it anyway. Some things mattered too much to be diluted into a five second clip that robbed the moment of its magic.

“Then how-”

“My team have access to my cloud,” TK blurted out, tripping over his words in his haste to explain. “So they can manage my accounts for me when I’m too busy. They’re not meant to post anything I don’t authorise.”

He was furious. It wasn’t the first time they had pulled something like this on him, posting private photos or videos he’d taken of himself or his LA home, but it was the first time they had involved his family or friends.

 “I promise you I had nothing to do with it. I know that doesn’t undo it but, please, Carlos you have to believe me. I wouldn’t do this to you.”

Finally Carlos turned to look at him. He looked upset but not angry and TK let out a shaky breath when he gave him a nod and small smile.

“I believe you,” he said, his voice tight. “But I don’t think I can face going back inside. Will you take me home please?”

TK dipped back inside to grab their things and let his dad know he was going. He left him with a hurried, “I’ll explain tomorrow.”

He could feel Michelle’s eyes boring into the back of his head but he was too ashamed to face whatever anger or disappointment she was directing his way.

The car ride back to Carlos’ place was tense to say the least. The air seemed to fizzle with static and TK had to keep biting his tongue to resist inanely babbling to try to diffuse the awkwardness.

They pulled up outside the house and the silence became oppressive as Carlos made no move to get out. TK waited and switched off the engine, praying that his was one of the times Carlos let him in. However little he may deserve it, he was still wanted to know everything the man was thinking.

“Why’d you do it?” Carlos said eventually, his quiet words like thunder in the dark confines of the car.

“I told you I didn’t - ”

“I don’t mean tonight, TK,” Carlos cut across him. “Four years ago. Why’d you do it?”

Carlos’ eyes shone brightly in the sliver of moonlight that fell through the window, the only source of light where TK had parked facing the edge of town. He looked apprehensive and curious and there was an open vulnerability to his features that had TK gulping. “I thought it would fix everything. I thought I’d stop hating myself.”

Four years ago he had thought he had found the perfect solution. Instead he broke everything.

22^nd December 2017

TK bounced up the steps to Carlos’ house. His overnight bag bumped against his thigh and the bottles of champagne inside clinked against each other. He felt the delicious anticipation of a pleasurable weekend. He hadn’t called ahead because he wanted it to be a surprise and he couldn’t wait to finally be able to celebrate.

Coming out as gay in an interview with Variety magazine had been a huge secret to keep under wraps and now the article was finally out, he wanted to be with the only person who had been in his thoughts when he had decided to do it.

So when Carlos answered the door with a stony face and backed away to let TK in, keeping his arms tightly crossed and a gulf of distance between them, he was thrown for a loop. It was not the welcome he was expecting.

“Hey,” he said, smiling tentatively as he closed the door behind him and dropped his bag to the floor. “Surprise.”

The waves of fury that were rolling off of Carlos as he surveyed him from across the room had him taking a step back as he tried to desperately calculate what he could have done to provoke this reaction. He looked around the room like he might find a clue among the throw pillows and books as to why Carlos was so angry. His eyes landed on a copy of Variety on the coffee table. His own face beamed from the front cover beneath a headline that read; ‘I’m Gay!’ Hollywood Heartthrob TK Strand comes out in exclusive interview.

“You saw it then?” TK asked, the last vestiges of hope lilting in his tone.

Carlos looked at the magazine like it was something poisonous.

“How could you do this to me?” he asked, sounding livid. There was a wobble to his voice though, and all the angry bravado in the world couldn’t disguise the hurt that lurked there.

“I… What? I thought…” TK stammered. “I thought you’d be happy for me.”

“Oh TK,” Carlos sneered, somehow managing to fill each syllable with disdain. “I am happy for you.”

“Then what’s your problem?” TK snapped, put on the defensive by how horribly wrong this was all going and the fact he had no idea why or how to fix it.

“You could have at least warned me,” Carlos yelled back, his colour rising.

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“Surprise me?” Spittle flecked on Carlos’ lips as he shouted. TK had barely every heard him raise his voice before and rage looked all wrong on him. “Well good job, TK, it worked. You surprised me and every goddamn person in New Florence who got to find out I’m queer from the fucking news!”

“No, no, no, no I didn’t...” TK’s blood turned to ice and he shuddered. “I didn’t mention you, Carlos.”

“You cannot possibly be this stupid,” Carlos spat as he grabbed up the magazine, flicking aggressively through it until he got to the page with TK’s interview. He put on a high mocking voice as he read. “ ‘I was really lucky actually, not to have to go through it all alone. My close friend was gay too and so we found ourselves together. We got to experiment and discover things in this really nice, sort of, wholesome way. We did everything together. It made it really special actually.’ Do you seriously think it took anyone in town more than two seconds to work out who you were talking about?”

TK felt the familiar itch burn under his skin, like too hot meeting too cold, as the tendrils of control he had been holding onto slipped out of his grasp. His fingers dug into his biceps as he wrapped his arms protectively across his chest. It wasn’t his fault. The interviewer had asked him if it had been hard growing up gay in a small conservative town. He had only wanted to dispel the myth that gay kids grow up lonely or can’t have teen romances like anyone else. He’d never meant to…

“I didn’t mean to-”

Carlos wasn’t done throwing his own words back at him though, his punctilious impression of TK piercing him like shards of glass.

“I ask TK if he encountered much homophobia in Texas and he laughs and admits neither him, nor his boyfriend, were out when they were in High School. ‘It definitely would not have been safe to be openly gay,” he says. Does he mean they’d have faced violence, I clarify, and he responds, “I mean, I couldn’t say for sure but if you listened to the way our peers talked about gay men… There were some who would have beaten us up for it, for sure. And my boyfriend’s family were super religious and my own dad being a firefighter, it’s quite a macho career you know? We just couldn’t have risked it.’ ”

“Carlos-” TK tried to interrupt, he didn’t think he could take much more, but Carlos just shook the magazine in his hands and glared at him.

“Oh wait, TK it gets better,” Carlos snarled. “This is my favourite bit. ‘I found my own way to feel free though. You know how they say there are two religions in Texas? Christianity and Football. Well when I used to get down on my knees for my Catholic boyfriend in the locker room after a game it felt like the ultimate screw you to everyone who couldn’t accept us.’”

The silence that followed was deafening. All TK could do was stand and gape like a goldfish. Carlos had held up a mirror and TK did not like what he saw.

He had really believed coming out would make everything good again, absolve him, but TK was a dirty bomb and he’d blown up. Just like he had always known he would. With maximum casualties.

“My parents had to read that. And my work colleagues. I lost my outreach programme at the school because of this!” Carlos chucked the magazine across the room. It hit the wall behind TK’s head and crumpled into a heap on the floor. He stared down at the grinning idiot on the page, looking vapid and foolish, and he hated himself.

“I’m sorry.” It came out weak and tired.

“Oh you’re sorry. My mom has had to stop going to church because of the comments, but you’re sorry.”

“I didn’t think this would happen Carlos,” TK said pleadingly. He thought he might cry.

“You know what TK, I actually believe that,” Carlos snarked. “I can truly believe that you did not once think about me. You said it yourself; I was just an experiment to you. Your fucking rebellious phase.”

“What? Carlos, no! You’re…” TK was desperate now. He understood he had fucked up, that was nothing new, but he could not let Carlos think he didn’t matter to him. He was all that mattered. He was everything.

“I’m done, TK,” Carlos said wearily.

“Done?” TK could feel panic rising in his throat. Carlos’ anger seemed to have drained away but only to be replaced by coldness. It made TK feel worse to see how shut off Carlos was from him. “What do you mean done?”

Carlos sighed. “I mean I’m done with this. With us. You dropping in once a year to slum it in hick country with a guy who’s too thick to know when a thing is over. I don’t even know what you’re getting out of this anymore and if I’m honest I’m tired of it all.”

Carlos was done with him. TK could hear his words but couldn’t register the concept.

They were TK and Carlos. They didn’t end.

Carlos held parts of him. No matter how crazy messed up his life got he had at least known the version of him that existed here, in New Florence with Carlos, was good and safe. He had been banking on it.

Except Carlos didn’t want him anymore.  

“Oh,” was all TK could say.

He was an actor for god’s sake, he said words for a living, so why couldn’t he find any now when it was so important. He was distracted by the fact that Carlos wasn’t wearing his cross necklace. He hadn’t seen him without it since the day TK had placed it around his neck.

“Just go TK.”

“Carlos, please-”

“I want you to leave,” Carlos said resolutely. In their whole exchange he had never closed the space in between them and even then, as he strode across the room, he kept his eyes on the floor and was careful not to touch TK as he reached past him to open the door. “Leave, TK”

Through a haze of tears TK stumbled back outside, scooping up his bag and hugging it into his chest. He looked up mournfully at Carlos who stood framed in his doorway, blocking out the warm light inside his home. He was his past and the person he’d pinned his future hopes on.

“Sweetheart,” he tried.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He shut the door.

TK fell apart.

22^nd December 2021

Carlos heard the sound of a slamming door reverberate through the years. The memory of TK’s face when he had told him to leave was burned into his brain. 

TK continued to ramble on with justifications. “It was thoughtless and selfish and if you think there is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret it…”

“You regret coming out?” Carlos interjected, genuinely surprised.

“Of course not. I just wish I had gone about it in literally any other way,” TK explained. “I should never have dragged you into it.”

Carlos sighed. “Look TK, realistically there was never going to be a way for you to come out that didn’t have people questioning me. Do I wish you’d given me a heads up? Yes. And you could have left out the part about sucking me off in the locker room, but it really wasn’t that bad.”

TK grimaced at his attempt at a joke. “But I ruined your life.”

“No, TK, you didn’t,” Carlos said, exasperatedly.

“But you said… You said your mom had to stop going to church. And it fucked up your job and people were all talking and stuff.” TK was gesticulating wildly with his hands and he sounded confused. “I fucked everything up for you.”

Carlos started to laugh and it seemed to heighten TK’s bemusement. He blushed and pleaded, “Please don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not…laughing…at you” Carlos said but it only made him laugh harder and he had to bite his lip to try and control himself so he could continue. “It’s just you didn’t fuck everything up. The opposite in fact.”

“What?” TK said, still looking confused even as his lips quirked with an irrepressible smile in response to Carlos’ amusement.

“Turns out my mom didn’t want to go to Church anymore because she refused to support them if they could turn against me just like that,” Carlos explained. “She made this right old fuss and convinced her whole sewing group to boycott.”

“Oh my god,” TK murmured.

“They organised a minibus and went to the church in Saint Gordons instead until Father Campbell stepped down.” Carlos chuckled at the memory of his mom’s stubborn refusal to back down. She had even threatened to write to the archbishop. When the new priest, Father James, started he had made a point of visiting Carlos at his home to tell him that although the higher orders of the Catholic church might refuse to sanction it, he had no problem accepting Carlos into his parish just as he was. He’d even offered to (albeit unofficially) bless any partnership Carlos entered into and regretted that he would not be allowed to legally marry them. Carlos had held it together until he left and then as soon as he was alone, he had sobbed hysterically.

Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined a leader of his faith welcoming him in such a way. He’d always thought he would have to ultimately chose between faith and love. Now here he was being offered the former, only after the latter had walked out. Carlos had wondered if the stars would ever align for him to have both.

It had taken a long time for Carlos to calm himself down after that.

“Go Andrea.” TK laughed. “Carlos, that’s incredible. But I thought your parents never accepted you’re gay?”

“I don’t know, I guess at some point they came round to the idea. But they never said anything because I never said anything so I had no idea. It was definitely easier to forgive them for that after the way they fought so hard for me.”

It had been frustrating as well, to learn that for several years he had been repressing himself so needlessly.

“It turns out nobody in town cared that much. Or if they did they respected my mom, or were too scared of my dad, to say anything to my face. Even Billy – I wasn’t there but Michelle said it was pretty epic – made this big announcement at The Bar. Told everyone that if they had a problem with me they could find somewhere else to drink.”

There was no other bar in town so it was an effective threat.

Carlos had been blown away. Of course there were still grumbles and jokes – a lot of very unoriginal, very unfunny jokes – but for the most part things were good. He’d learned he had friends who had his back no matter what and tried not to care too much about those who might be silently judging.

Bringing Dan around had been a huge step for him, a proper test of his newfound freedom. It helped that they didn’t look gay he supposed. When people realised they were not going to be suddenly rocking up to line dancing night in assless chaps they seemed to embrace his relationship.

He was aware there were still huge parts of the situation that were monumentally fucked up and he knew that if it had happened just a few years prior the reaction could have been different.

He had no longer had to hide though and he could be grateful for that.

No one had dared mention TK’s name to him. He figured it was equal parts their awkwardness and his reticence every time he was brought up.

“I don’t understand,” TK said after a pause. “If I didn’t ruin your life, why are you still so pissed at me?”

“BECAUSE YOU JUST LEFT TK!” Carlos hadn’t meant to yell but he was frustrated that TK still didn’t understand.

“You said you were done with me,” TK replied indignantly. “You told me to go.”

“Because I was angry, not because I actually wanted you to!”

TK gaped at him.

“I was upset and scared and I lashed out,” Carlos said more calmly. “But I can’t believe that after everything we’ve been through you couldn’t forgive me for that. You just walked away and left me behind like it was nothing.”

That is what hurt. He’d long ago forgiven TK for slipping up in the interview. He had not forgiven him for making Carlos feel like he was worthless to him.

“It was always so easy for you to leave and every time you did it broke my heart. And I get it, I really do. You’re incredible and you’ve achieved so much and it’s amazing. So I get that there’s nothing to keep you here. I mean I wasn’t enough for Dan to stick around, never mind for a guy like you-”

Carlos slammed his mouth shut. He had not meant to say that last part. Before he could backtrack, his phone rang. He silenced it. TK’s phone immediately started to buzz.

“It’s my dad,” he said apologetically. “I have to answer it.”

Carlos could understand why he wouldn’t want to let his dad ring out, not after rushing out of a bar. He watched as TK’s expression went from confused to worried to amused.

“I’ll be there soon ok,” he finally said before hanging up. “That was Billy. Apparently, my dad got into a tequila drinking contest with Michelle and now he needs taken home. Of all the nights he could do this. I’m so sorry Carlos.”

“It’s fine,” Carlos said. “Is Michelle ok?”

His hand was already on the door.

“Yeah, I think Billy’s got her,” TK replied. Carlos nodded and slipped out of the car, but he paused before shutting the door and looked at TK apprehensively. He didn’t want to leave things so up in the air again. TK seemed to sense his worry because he smiled encouragingly and said, “I’ll come back after, ok? We’re not done here.”

23^rd December 2017

Carlos Reyes was stoned. For the first (and last) time in his life he had accepted Michelle’s offer of a joint.

He’d called her, inconsolable, after TK had left and she’d come straight over and proceeded to stay with him all night, letting Carlos cry onto her shoulder. They had slept late that morning, Carlos waking with puffy eyes and a sore head, but Michelle had made him coffee and pancakes and reassured him that everything would be ok.

Carlos didn’t believe her of course. His life was in complete tatters. Not only did everyone now know he was gay but they knew that he’d been with TK. He’d never even told Michelle that before although he’d come out to her years ago. Thankfully she wasn’t upset by his deception but she had made him promise to share all the juicy details once it wasn’t such a fresh wound.

Michelle tried to convince him to come into town with her but he refused. He was not ready to face anyone just yet and, however little he wanted to admit it, he was also holding out hope that TK might show up at his door again. There was no way TK would just give up on their friendship. He’d fight for him and Carlos was sure about that.

By that evening though, when there was still no word from TK, Carlos was beginning to get anxious. Then Michelle showed him TK’s latest tweet and he was crushed. TK was already back in LA, floating in his pool with a cocktail in hand, like he didn’t have a care in the world.

So Carlos really had meant nothing to him.

A crater had opened up inside him, a black hole where TK used to live, and he was desperate to feel anything other than the grief of his loss.  So when Michelle pulled the joint out of her bag he didn’t say no like he usually would.

So now Carlos was stoned and a fuzzy, floaty feeling had settled in his limbs. He was lying on the living room floor with Michelle’s head resting on his chest and her hair running through his fingers.

“Do you ever think about how people are kind of like jigsaw puzzles,” he said, feeling profound all of a sudden. “Like we’re made up of all these different little things that we piece together as we grow up.”

Michelle raised her head a fraction so she could look up at him and she giggled. “You obviously got all the prettiest pieces then.”

Carlos grinned but then he remembered there had been a serious point he was trying to make.

“Except I grew up with TK and I think all our pieces got jumbled up in the same box. Which didn’t matter when we were always together because we could, like, share. But when he left we just split the box in two and I think he got a bunch of my pieces and I had a load of his and over the years we’ve just been passing them back and forth, trying to build our own pictures. But I’ve never been complete, not without TK, and I always thought one day maybe we’d come back together. But now it’s like he’s thrown the puzzle on the floor and scattered all the bits and there’s all these holes in me that I don’t know how to fill. He’s got pieces of me and they don’t fit in his picture anymore. They don’t fit anywhere anymore.”

Michelle was looking at him sadly. He felt bad that he’d killed their buzz but it scared him how empty he was and he had hoped that saying it out loud might lessen the pain. Michelle hugged him and kissed his cheek and assured him that he was the complete package; smart and gorgeous and funny and loyal and honourable and sexy. She said anyone who couldn’t see what he had to offer was a total bonehead. It hadn’t really helped because Carlos also knew he was stuffy and boring and cowardly and none of his good qualities were enough to erase the fact that he wasn’t enough. It had at least reminded him that he wasn’t alone though and he was glad he had a friend like Michelle.

She also told him about Billy standing up for him and confessed she thought it was hot. Carlos realised she might be a great friend but her taste in men was apparently no better than his own.

22^nd December 2021

TK placed the glass of water on the floor by the toilet that his dad’s head was currently buried in. He patted him gently on the back as Owen Strand continued to throw up.

“That’s it, get it all out,” he said, trying and failing to disguise the humour in his voice.

“Eugh,” Owen groaned. “You’re enjoying this aren’t you.”

TK sat back against the bathroom wall and laughed. “Well, it does make a nice change.”

“I just don’t understand how Michelle beat me,” his dad said, before another wave of vomit forced his head back down.

“Oh dad,” TK said fondly, “I think you got played.”

He handed his dad a wad of tissue as he slowly raised his head and shifted to sit against the opposite wall. There was a sheen of sweat across his forehead and a faint green pallor to his skin. TK wondered just how much tequila he had got through – likely more than Michelle if Billy was the one pouring the shots.

“Michelle and Billy are dating,” TK explained in response to his dad’s confused expression. “Or screwing at least. I’m guessing some of her shots were water.”

Owen’s mouth fell open in shock and indignation, “That cheating bastard. Although that does explain a lot.”

TK was hit by a sudden suspicion. “Dad, you and Michelle… You’ve never…” he asked.

Owen’s feigned innocence was an answer in itself. His dad had a truly terrible poker face.

“Oh my god, Dad,” TK exclaimed gleefully. “Christ, does Carlos know?”

“No,” Owen said, wincing as if speaking hurt. “And you are not going to tell him! That boy is too much of a romantic to understand a few drunken hook ups are not a big deal. Michelle and I agreed no one ever needed to know and besides it was all over with years ago. Still can’t believe she’d go with Billy though.”

TK had to clutch his stomach he was laughing so hard. There were some things about small towns where everyone knew each other that you just didn’t find anywhere else and his dad sleeping with his ex-boyfriend’s best friend only for her to move on to his nemesis was one of them.

He realised how much he had actually been missing it all. From the petty dramas and squabbles to the deep sense of community, there were ties that bound everyone together. He thought about Carlos, scared and alone after being outed against his will because of TK, finding out how much love and support there was buried within the town.

TK had felt it too. He’d trashed his childhood and the backwardness of small-town Texas over and over again and yet not one person from New Florence had ever sold a story about him or tried to cash in on his fame. If any of his die- hard fans – the ones crazed enough to drive into the arse end of nowhere – showed up, they were met with a polite but shuttered response from the locals.

When TK had overdosed he’d received a Get-Well-Soon card, courtesy of his father, that had been signed by half the town. Andrea’s signature had been there too with a message saying they were all praying for him.

He had come to think of these people as ignorant and uncultured, had railed against the homophobia that kept him closeted in his youth but had accepted it in the movie industry as just how it had to be. He’d resented the limits put on him by growing up so remote but relentlessly squeezed himself into a smaller and smaller box so that he’d have the right image for Hollywood. He had internalised the rejections for being too short, too Jewish, too pretty, not pretty enough, too muscly, too thin, too fat, too political, too mainstream… the list could go on and on. Yet he still romanticised LA when it was no better than New Florence and it had never felt like home.

“Dad, why didn’t you ever tell me what was going on with Carlos?” TK asked. “That I didn’t totally screw up his life.”

Owen’s eyes flickered open. He’d started to doze off while TK had been lost in his thoughts. “You didn’t want to know TK. You were barely speaking to me as it was and I guess I thought that if I tried to get you to talk about Carlos you might cut me out completely.”

TK gulped back the guilt rising in his throat. His dad was right, he would have. He had been too scared to know the truth, imagining it was all bad, so he had buried his head in the sand instead. “I’m so sorry, Dad. For it all…”

“TK,” his dad interrupted him, reaching out a hand to rest on TK’s knee. “You don’t have to apologise, not to me. These last few days, seeing you smile again, means more to me than any apology ever could. I just want you to be happy son.”

Tears welled in his eyes, the mirror image of his fathers. “Dad…” His voice cracked.

“Finding you on that bathroom floor…” Owen shut his eyes and shook his head like he was trying to banish the memory of the moment he had broken through the bathroom door to find his son collapsed in a pile of sick, cold and unresponsive. “That was the worst day of my life, TK, and I don’t ever want to come that close to losing you again.”

“You won’t.” TK was properly crying now. “I promise, you won’t.”

“I know,” Owen said, squeezing his knee reassuringly. “I’m so proud of you, son. I don’t say it enough, I think, but I am so incredibly proud of you.”

TK was a mess, snot dripping from his nose and tears leaving splodgy trails down his cheeks, but he didn’t care. In that moment he was not TK Strand, famous actor, but a son who had screwed up countless times and who needed his father’s reassurance that he was still loved.

“I know I wasn’t always the best father-”

“Dad, you don’t have to-”

“No TK I need to say this,” Owen said firmly. “I wasn’t present enough. I left you alone far too often and I prioritised work when you should have always come first. My only excuse is that I was a complete wreck after the divorce and I really thought that the less influence I had on you the better. I thought I would just mess up if I tried to be a proper parent and that you’d be better off following the example of the Reyes’ than whatever shit show I was.”

TK was speechless.

“But I was wrong TK. I was so wrong and you deserved so much better. I should have worked harder to get my shit together for you and I hope…I hope you do decide to come home for a while because I would really like the chance to make up for all those years I was absent. And… I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did.”

“What do you mean?”

His dad looked at him knowingly. “I think sometimes you distance yourself from people because you think you’ll hurt them. That you’ll do more harm being there than not.”

TK felt exposed; his dad had hit the nail right on the head. He was all jagged edges and they sliced up anyone who got too close.

“But you’re wrong TK,” he said forcefully. “You’re wrong. You deserve to be loved and we don’t need protecting from you. We don’t want you to leave.”

‘It was always so easy for you to leave.’

That’s what Carlos had said. Like he didn’t know that walking away from Carlos was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. That every time he left it ripped another shred from his heart. He loved Carlos too much to stick around and wreak the devastation on him that was an inevitable side effect of being TK Strand.

Maybe…

Maybe that had been then, when he had been an active addict and a self-obsessed, fame hungry disaster. He would have ruined it all then.

Now, though, he was clean and had more money than he knew what to do with. He was disillusioned with the whole movie making circus and tired of being tired. He was done seeking attention and validation from strangers.

He wanted to belong again and there was only one place in the entire world that had ever felt like home.

Did he deserve to claim it yet?

Was he brave enough to ask?

He looked across at his dad, who’d slipped sideways onto the floor and was snoring softly and drooling onto the tiles, and felt a sudden surge of self-belief.

All he could do was try, he thought. Hope springs eternal and all that.

He pulled out his phone and, realising he didn’t have Carlos’ number anymore, fired up Instagram. He searched for Carlos Reyes, the private profile familiar from his numerous previous attempts at stalking him, and hit the button for a direct message.

Dad is currently passed out on the bathroom

floor and I don’t think I can leave him tonight

Can I come over tomorrow?

I want to talk to you about something

Please

x

He watched the screen, chewing on his lip and waiting nervously for a reply. Minutes passed and then a little ‘Seen’ appeared underneath his last message.

He waited, and waited, and waited but there were no tell-tale dots, no ‘Carlos is typing…’

He kept waiting, long after he had any hope of a reply.

24^th December 2001

“Carlos. Carlos come quick!” TK shouted, running through the house as he raced to get to his room where they’d been playing all morning. “Carlos c’mon. IT’S SNOWING.”

He barged into his room and barely stopped to catch his breath before he grabbed Carlos’ hand and yanked him down the stairs and out into the yard.

Carlos stared up at the sky in wonderment. TK knew he’d never seen snow before.

It wasn’t like Manhattan snow, all sleety and slushy, dirty from the pollution. Here it fell in pure white, fluffy flakes. They seemed to pause for a few seconds, hovering on the blades of grass, before melting.

“It’s really snowing.” Carlos sounded amazed. He was still holding TK’s hand and he squeezed it in excitement.

TK showed him how if he put his head back and stuck out his tongue he could catch the snowflakes. They stood like that for ages, giggling at each other.

At some point his dad came out to bundle them into warm jackets. He sat on the deck for a while and watched them chase each other around the garden as snow circled around them, carried on the wind.

They complained when his dad told them it was time to go, he had to drop them off at Carlos’ parents before his shift, but he promised he would help TK show Carlos how to build a snowman the next day if the snow started to lie overnight.

“Can we have a snowball fight too,” Carlos had asked. TK had told him all about snowball fights.

“Of course,” his dad had promised.

The snow was gone by the morning but TK wouldn’t remember that part. All he would recall from that night was sitting up at Carlos’ window with him, watching the stars reflecting in his eyes as they prayed for more snow, and truly believing that magic was real.

23^rd December 2021

Seen.

Seen.

Seen.

How could four little letters hold so much power over him, TK wondered.

He had slept fitfully after he finally got his dad to bed, waking every hour and checking his phone for a message from Carlos.

The day had passed in a blur. It started to snow again and TK helped his, very hungover, dad shovel the drive as a distraction. They didn’t talk about their bathroom floor heart to heart, but TK knew by the way he had hugged him that morning, that he remembered it.

He left his phone upstairs during dinner and his restless leg bounced unrestrained under the table as he tried to keep up a normal conversation with his dad.

“TK, you’re making the whole table shake” Owen said exasperatedly. “Just go check your phone.”

TK didn’t need to be told twice. He darted up from the table and stumbled up the stairs to his room.

Emails, updates from his team, endless requests – but nothing from Carlos. Just that one word, seen, still taunting him.

TK could only take Carlos’ silence to mean he didn’t want him to come over and he tried to accept it. Told himself he should respect Carlos’ wishes and admit he was too late and too much had happened for him to have the right to barge back in and demand answers.

Except…

Except sometimes Carlos closed himself off when he was hurting and would refuse to ask for what he wanted out of fear of coming across as needy or inconveniencing anyone.

Sometimes what he needed was someone to ignore his assertions that he was fine and push through his defences.

Sometimes he needed to be shown how much he mattered.

Big swings. Grand gestures.

TK made a decision.

It was only 7pm but Carlos had already given up and got into bed. He had spent all day ignoring calls and messages from Michelle and his mom and random acquaintances that he hadn’t seen in years but who had obviously seen him on TK Strands Instagram story.

He knew he couldn’t hide forever, Michelle would only ever allow him one night of being a recluse before she would be at his door demanding he let her cheer him up, but he had felt like being alone today.

He’d wallowed and he’d worried; overthinking and overanalysing until everything was twisted and he was positive he’d made a complete fool of himself. He had cleaned his house from top to bottom, even using a toothbrush to scrub the grouting in the bathroom.

The whole time TK’s message was scrolling through his mind, on loop, like a banner message.

‘I want to talk to you about something.’

It didn’t sound good to Carlos. He’d convinced himself TK probably wanted to tell him what a pathetic loser he was for holding a flame for him all these years. Obviously he wouldn’t put it like that – he’d soften the blow with nice words and sympathetic looks – but the meaning would be clear. You’re a sweet guy but… It’s not you it’s me… I need more than this…

Carlos had heard them all before and it all boiled down to the fact that he was never going to be enough.

TK had outgrown him a long time ago like he’d always known he would and now Carlos was going to die alone. A sad gay spinster in a declining town.

He heard a thud, swiftly followed by another, and his head snapped up. Someone was throwing snowballs at his window.

He groaned as he realised he was going to have to go and yell at kids but still dragged himself up, figuring he might as well just embrace his future as the town’s cranky old man now.

He pulled his knitted cardigan tighter around himself – as if his embarrassment wasn’t complete enough – and smacked his hand against the window frame in just the right spot to unstick it so he could pull it open.

He froze, mouth hung open in preparation to shout.

It wasn’t kids messing around.

It was TK.

He was stood by his massive car, a snowball ready in one hand and a Bluetooth speaker in the other. When he spotted Carlos he dropped the snowball and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

TK held the speaker above his head. Carlos was in such a state of shock that it took a moment to register the music playing.

‘Ho! Hey! I’ve been trying to do it right, I’ve been living a lonely life.’

“TK what the hell are you doing?” Carlos shouted down to him.

“I’m Say Anything-ing you!” TK called back.

Carlos was so surprised he laughed. “What does that even mean?”

“It means I’m standing outside your window with a radio over my head – not that it’s a radio, but who still even owns one of them, and this is the best I could do at short notice-”

“TK.”

“Right yeah, not the point.” TK paused and looked down at his feet. When he looked back up it was with a blazing intensity that sent a shiver down Carlos’ spine. “It means that I have never been able to hear this song without thinking of you-”

‘So show me family, all the blood that I will bleed, I don’t know where I went wrong, but -,’

“- because I belong with you Carlos. And you have always been my Sweetheart and-”

Carlos thought his heart might have actually stopped. He wasn’t convinced he wasn’t having some kind of fever dream. Things like this didn’t happen outside of a film.

Then again TK had always loved his movie moments…

“- and the Dawson to my Joey.”

His words should have given Carlos a warning as to TK’s next move but it still caught him off guard when he dropped the speaker and leapt onto the hood of his car, using it as a springboard to catapult himself up to the windowsill of Carlos’ first floor bedroom.

“Oh my god, TK please be careful,” Carlos cried as he threw the window open wider so he could reach out and catch TK’s arms, helping to pull him into the room. “Are you crazy, you could have killed yourself!”

TK looked almost giddy with excitement, his cheeks flushed and eyes bright, as he shook his head to dislodge the melting snow from his hair. He steadied himself, stepping closer within the confines of Carlos’ arms before he said earnestly, “Yeah, well, I guess being in love can make you do stupid things.”

Carlos took a step back. His fingers trailed down TK’s arms as he pulled away but TK caught them and held his hands in his. He was staring at him with a nervous and hopeful smile as he waited for Carlos’ response.

“TK, it’s been a dramatic week and…”

“It’s not drama, it’s not drama. It’s love. I’m in love with you Carlos,” TK repeated patiently. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped. And for the first time the love that I feel is infinitely more powerful than the fear of losing it.”

It felt like a hand was tightening around Carlos’ throat and he couldn’t breathe. What TK was saying was everything he had ever wanted to hear from him. Yet instead of filling him with warmth it filled him with dread, because it didn’t matter. It didn’t change the fact that TK would leave and Carlos would stay and if he let himself have this now, he wouldn’t survive when it ended. “You don’t really mean that.”

“I do, Carlos. I mean it with my whole heart.”

The thing was Carlos actually believed him, he believed that TK thought he meant it. He couldn’t possibly understand what loving Carlos would entail – everything he would have to sacrifice to be with him. TK would end up resenting him and Carlos would be humiliated. It was lose, lose.

“So what?” Carlos said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. “So what if you mean it. I don’t want to move to LA and I know you don’t want to be here.”

He was sure TK would get it now. His face would fall and he would realise how silly he was being. Carlos hoped they could at least still salvage their friendship and this would become just another funny story to tell (‘Hey remember that time I thought I loved you,’ TK would say and they would both laugh it off because they knew how ridiculous a notion it was.)

Carlos was surprised when TK only looked more resolved and said, “Do you trust me?”

His first instinct was to say no but he wasn’t a liar and beneath the years of defensive walls he had built up was a man who would trust TK with his life. He nodded.

“Will you come for a drive with me?” TK asked softly. “I want to show you something.”

“Ok,” Carlos agreed, letting TK lead him towards the door, like he wouldn’t follow him anywhere. They were halfway down the stairs when a thought struck him and despite the seriousness of the situation it still made him giggle.

“What?” TK turned back to look at him with a curious smile.

“Just surprised you’re willing to use the front door,” Carlos said.

TK laughed. “I don’t actually have a death wish you know.”

They made it to the car in one piece and as TK pulled away from the house Carlos was overcome with nerves. He had no idea what TK wanted to show him, or how it would affect anything.

“You know,” he said in attempt to diffuse the tension. “Dawson and Joey don’t actually end up together.”

TK was concentrating hard on the road in front of them as snow continued to fall but he spared a quick glance over in Carlos’ direction, his eyes flashing as they passed through the beams of a streetlight. “Yeah but only because Dawson was too much of an idiot to know what a massive jerk he always was.”

Carlos snorted.

“I know I was a jerk, Carlos,” TK said.

“Oh, I thought I was the Dawson,” Carlos replied. “Joey climbs through the window remember?”

TK took a hand off of the wheel and started to reach over like he was going to touch Carlos, but then he stopped himself. “So maybe I got my metaphor, or allegory or whatever it is, a little mixed up. Point still stands though; soulmates exist and you are mine.”

Carlos smiled to himself. He was getting his hopes us which was probably going to be disastrous but he couldn’t help it.

They pulled up to a locked gate and Carlos realised where they were; it was the road up to their hillside.

“TK, where are we going? This is private land.”

TK said nothing, just lent over to rummage in the glove compartment. Carlos sucked in a breath at the sudden proximity, TK’s elbow brushing against his leg, as he finally extracted a key.

He winked at Carlos as he jumped out of the car and he watched on confused as TK used the key to unlock the heavy chain linking the gate closed. He swung the gate open and before Carlos knew it he was back in the car and driving them up the hill into the woods.

“TK, what’s going on?” Carlos asked as they pulled over just before the road ended. A path disappeared off through the trees that he knew well from their days of escaping up here.

“You’ll see,” was all TK would say before he was out of the car again. This time he came around to the passenger side and opened the door for Carlos. “Please come with me?”

He offered out a hand and Carlos only hesitated for a second before accepting it.

TK led them through the woods until they came out into a clearing much bigger than the one Carlos remembered. Someone had started removing trees to open a large expanse of empty land. It would still be well hidden from the road but now had a clear unobscured view of not just the town but the entire valley.

A thick layer of undisturbed snow covered the ground but the flurry of snow fall had calmed to a gentle dusting of flakes that floated down around them. Even sheltered from the wind, as they were, it was still freezing and Carlos was regretting not putting a coat on before they had left.

TK pulled him out into the middle of the clearing and then turned to look at him. He gathered up Carlos’ other hand in his.

“TK we can’t be up here,” Carlos said, his teeth chattering. TK shuffled closer and he leaned into the warmth emanating from his body. “It’s private land.”

“I know,” TK grinned at him. “It’s mine. I bought it.”

“What?” Carlos said, astounded. “When?”

TK looked nervously off into the distance, “Four years ago.”

Carlos’ mouth fell open, his mind whirring as he tried to piece together what that meant.

“I had this mad idea that I’d build a house up here and move you in.”

“TK…” His voice came out choked. He swallowed thickly and tried again. “Are you saying… the night you came to my house, you wanted us to be together?”

TK grimaced. “I told you, I thought I’d fixed everything. That since I had come out and had money there was nothing to stop us, you know?”

Carlos felt dizzy. All this time and he had never known that had been TK’s intention.

“But I wasn’t really ready then,” TK continued, sounding sad. “I thought I could have it all. That I could just drop back into your life whenever I felt like it and still jet off around the world and party like I was doing. I would have ruined it and I would have hurt you even more than I already did.”

He looked back up at Carlos, eyes shining with tears. His voice was thick with emotion when he spoke again. “But I’m ready now and I want to come back. I want to build you a house up here and I want to live in it with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning and be there when you get in from work – not that you have to work if you don’t want to, I can look after us both – and I want to go dancing with you every Wednesday night and have lunch with your family every Sunday and-”

The longer TK spoke, the more Carlos’ heart sung. It felt like he had magic flowing through his veins and as it pumped around his body it brought more life into every cell than he had ever known before. It hadn’t reached his head yet though and he couldn’t completely stop doubting TK.

“What about your work?”

TK shook his head, “I already told my dad I was going take a break after this next movie and I mean, I’m not saying I’ll never work again, but I am ready to settle down and I want to settle down here. With you.”

“But you hate it. You said you never wanted to live here again.”

“Oh Carlos, sweetheart,” TK said, closing what little space remained between them and bringing Carlos’ hands up to his mouth. TK’s warm breath burned on his cold fingers. “I don’t care where we live, I’ll build you a house anywhere you want. You’re my home Carlos and the only place I belong is wherever you are.”

There was ringing in his ears, church bells sounding and blocking out the insecurities that made him struggle to believe him. He was struck dumb by the hope that surged within him because he could see it. He could see the house constructing around them; wooden beams and glass walls, a huge kitchen and an island with its own sink, maybe even a double oven. He could imagine him and TK moving around in their own space, sleeping in the same bed every night, sharing a life.

“Tell me I’m not too late,” TK pleaded, looking unsure for the first time that evening.

Carlos’ fingers twitched and the tips brushed TK’s lips. It sent a spark through him that brought the rest of him to life. He let his head drop forward and TK’s tipped back. They both opened their mouths. He could taste TK’s breath on his tongue. They were so close.

Everything he had ever wanted was within his grasp. He just had to be brave enough to reach out and take it.

He took a deep breath and then he plunged. “I love you too.”

They almost fell into the kiss and Carlos couldn’t even tell if it was him or TK that moaned. He became aware their hands were getting awkwardly squashed in between them and reluctantly extracted himself from TK’s grip. Even the few seconds it took to get his arms around TK, wrapping around his waist and his fingers burying in TK’s hair, felt like a loss. TK’s hands settled around his neck.

Eventually he gasped out of the kiss. “TK, does this mean…” he said breathlessly. “Will you…”

TK slid his hands up to cup his face, pulling him in until their foreheads touched. “Ask me Carlos.”

Carlos put his whole heart into it. “Will you stay?”

“Forever.” TK’s smile set his whole face alight. “Will you wait for me?”

“Always,” Carlos said against TK’s lips, unable to resist kissing him again, and again, and again, until they were both frozen and breathless. On top of the world.

24^th December 2021

TK woke up disorientated. He knew where he was, in his bed in his childhood home, but there were strong arms wrapped around him and his back was pressed flush against the naked body of a man whose soft, sleepy breaths he could feel against the back of his neck.

Slowly it all came back to him. The way Carlos had kissed him in the snow on their hillside and held his hand the entire drive back down to his dad’s place. Carlos didn’t bother to question why he brought him there and not back to his own house and TK wondered if he too felt the significance of their reunion happening in the same place it all began. Or maybe Carlos had just been too turned on and as desperate as he was to care where they were.

They’d spent hours getting reacquainted, tracing each other’s bodies with loving fingers and mouths. TK could feel the delicious, aching remnants of Carlos when he tried to move but there was no regret, no accompanying shame, just a deep, undeniable knowledge of being loved to his core.

He sighed happily as Carlos’ arms tightened around him, perfectly content to ignore the urges of his bladder in favour of snuggling with his…whatever Carlos was now. He realised with a flicker of anxiety that they probably should have done more talking the previous night.

He had not been deterred when Carlos hadn’t immediately accepted his declaration of love and he had recognised that an over-the-top stunt wasn’t enough on its own; he needed to prove to Carlos he was serious about wanting to build a life with him in New Florence. Building a house for him seemed like a pretty good start to TK and Carlos had asked him to stay and told him he would wait. He did say he loved him back.

Right?

He hadn’t imagined it.

Right?

TK had to stop himself from shaking Carlos awake just so he could hear him say it again for confirmation.

Shuffling behind him and the press of lips against his shoulder told him he needn’t bother.

“Mmmm, morning” Carlos hummed, his voice still thick with sleep.

TK turned in his arms so he could look at Carlos properly. His curls were messy and ruffled, there were marks on his face from the pillow creases and he was squinting against the morning light flooding in through the open blinds. It was the most beautiful sight TK had ever seen, one he would gladly trade all of his money and fame to witness every day.

“Hey,” he said warmly, reaching up to stroke Carlos’ cheek. “You sleep ok?”

Carlos rolled them so TK was on his back, still bracketed within Carlos’ arms as he hovered over him. “Yeah,” he said, smiling down at TK bashfully. “You?”

“The best,” TK mumbled as his gaze dipped to Carlos’ lips. He wanted to kiss him but first he had to make sure of one thing. He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Carlos face if it wasn’t the answer he needed to hear. “No regrets, right?”

“None whatsoever,” Carlos replied and TK felt his hand tighten around his shoulder. “Are you having regrets?”

TK’s eyes flew open. “No. Of course not. Never.”

“So you meant it then, last night?” Carlos said. “About the house and staying in New Florence and…”

“Being so madly in love with you I’d risk hypothermia just to kiss you,” TK finished for him. “Yes, I meant it all.”

Carlos sucked in a breath. TK could practically see the debate going on behind his eyes; his desire to believe TK battling with his insecurity.

He would never forgive himself for all the things he had done to make Carlos doubt himself and he would spend the rest of his life proving he could trust him.

“Sweetheart,” he said, running his hands through Carlos’ hair. “I promise you I mean it.”

“You won’t get bored of me?” Carlos asked, his eyes downcast. “I’m not exciting TK and my life is so small compared to what you’re used to.”

It made TK’s heart ache to hear Carlos speak about himself like that. “Baby, I’ve been happier and had more fun in the last week than I have in years. You make me feel whole again and as long as you’re here I will have everything I need.”

It took Carlos a minute but when he looked TK in the eye and nodded it set a fire in his belly and when he said, “I love you so much TK,” it spread like wildfire through his whole body. It wasn’t a raging torrent that could burn out into ash but a slow steady heat, like hot coals, that would sustain.

He came alive for Carlos, his heart beating just for him now that he was finally home.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked hoarsely.

Carlos didn’t bother to speak, instead his response came in the form of his lips devouring TK’s in a way that showed he was every bit as on fire as TK was.

TK wished they could have stayed lost in the moment forever but unfortunately he really did have to pee. When he came back from the bathroom it was to find Carlos sat up, leaning against the headboard, and twirling his phone in his hand. He looked completely lost in his thoughts.

TK sat down on the edge of the bed and laid a hand against Carlos’ thigh over the covers. Carlos jumped at the touch but he smiled when his eyes fell on TK’s face.

“What you thinking about babe?” TK asked.

“I was wondering if you would mind if I called my parents,” Carlos said. “I want to tell them about us before they hear about it some other way.”

The pleasure of Carlos referring to them as an ‘us’ again was outweighed by his fear of what Andrea and Gabriel might think.

“Of course, tell them,” he said tightly, toying with the hem of the boxers he had quickly thrown on. He hadn’t noticed they weren’t his.

“What is it TK? We don’t have to tell anyone yet if you don’t want to.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…Do they hate me? For the magazine and for, you know, sneaking around with you behind their backs.”

Carlos laughed. “No TK, they don’t hate you. They were shocked at the time but I think they’ll be happy for us now.”

“Go ahead, I’ll give you some privacy,” he said, giving Carlos’ thigh a little pat before getting to his feet again. “You want coffee?”

Carlos nodded, already dialling his mom’s number and TK just caught a faint “Hi mom,” as he gently closed the door behind him.

While he waited for the coffee machine to warm up he thought about what he was going to do about the whole public side of their relationship. He wished it was as simple as just telling friends and family but he had the media and an entire fanbase to consider. They weren’t always the most respectful to his partners. Some of the hate Alex had received had horrified TK and the thought of Carlos having to endure anything like that made him shudder. He vowed he would do whatever it took to protect him from the worst of it.

He would also have to tell his team he was going to semi-retire after this next film. He felt bad that they would be out of a job because of him but he was also confident they could easily replace him with some other naive starlet they could exploit. He’d long since lost faith in the integrity of the people he’d surrounded himself with. He realised there wasn’t anyone from that part of his life he would actually miss and it made him wonder how it had taken this long for him to get here.

The coffee machine let out a puff of steam and he smiled to himself. He had finally made it though. He’d been chewed up and spat out, but now here he was, making coffee to bring to the love of his life in bed.

He paused outside his bedroom door when he heard Carlos speaking, still on the phone. He sounded happy and TK hoped that meant it was going well.

“Yes mama, I promise I will bring him by later… I don’t know…because he might not want to mom…hmmm ok I might let you tell him that one.” Carlos’ voice was getting louder. Before TK knew it the door was being pulled open and Carlos was smiling at him smugly. “Yeah, he’s right here. Hang on.”

He held the phone out for TK and stuck his tongue out teasingly as he said, “She wants to talk to you.”

TK gulped. Carlos took his mug from his hand and replaced it with the phone before turning back around and settling back onto the bed.

Slowly, with butterflies in his stomach, he raised the phone to his ear. “Hello Mrs Reyes.”

“Pah,” Carlos’ mom snorted down the line. “Please, TK you haven’t called me Mrs Reyes since you were 6 years old. It’s Andrea or, if you like, you can call me mom. Since my son tells me you are a couple now.”

TK almost dropped his coffee in surprise. He placed the mug on his bedside table and stared wide-eyed at Carlos as he said, “You want me to call you mom?”

Carlos actually giggled and it was so adorable TK couldn’t resist climbing onto the bed and kneeling up in between his legs. Carlos pulled his free hand against his chest, resting it over the gold cross that hung there, and smirked as he sipped his drink.

“If you’re as serious about Carlos as he says, then yes.” He didn’t miss the hint of warning in her tone.”

“I’m serious Mrs Re- Mom,” TK said. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Carlos. “I love him. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the partner he deserves.”

“Oh honey,” Andrea said warmly. “I know you will. I’m only teasing you. Now Carlitos has promised to bring you over to the house later but he wasn’t sure if you’d be joining us for mass tonight?”

TK looked at Carlos questioningly and silently mouthed the word ‘mass’ to him. He wasn’t sure if Carlos was ready for a big public reveal just yet. He shrugged but TK didn’t miss the hopeful look in his eyes.

“We’ll be there,” he said firmly and felt proud when Carlos flushed with happiness.

“I’m so glad, TK. We really have all missed you,” Andrea said. “And TK?”

“Yeah,” he replied, starting to get distracted by the way Carlos was toying with his fingers, running them through his tight fist suggestively.

“If you mess him around or run out on him, they will never find your body,” she said forcefully. “Got it?”

“Got it mom,” TK choked.

“Oh good.” Andrea switched back to her cheery tone. “We’ll see you later then.”

“See you later.” TK hung up and dropped the phone onto the bed next to them. He carefully removed the coffee mug from Carlos’ hand and placed it on the table next to his own so he could straddle him. Carlos instantly wrapped his arms around him to pull him closer. “Your mom is terrifying, did you know that?”

Carlos grinned up him, “If you think she’s bad, wait until Michelle has her say.”

TK winced before remembering he had some ammunition against her; he knew about her and his dad.

“I think I can handle it,” he said cockily.

“Oh is that right,” Carlos teased. “Can you handle this?”

In an instant he had them flipped, trapping TK between his thighs and pressing him down into the mattress.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” TK moaned, bucking his hips up against Carlos and marvelling at the way his shoulders completely covered his own. “When did you get so big?”

Carlos wiggled his eyebrows at him and suddenly TK was laughing despite his intense arousal.

“Shut up, you know what I mean,” he giggled. “Nerd.”

“You love it,” Carlos said, still smirking.

“I love you,” TK replied.

“I love you too.” The heat in Carlos’ eyes melted into a soft affection that somehow turned TK on even more and he had to struggle to pay attention to what Carlos was saying. “Are you sure you want to come to Church tonight? You won’t mind people finding out about us?”

“Carlos, I would sing it from the fucking rooftops if you’d let me.” He gasped as Carlos shifted against him, his erection pressing against his own. “I want everyone to know you’re mine.”

Carlos ground against him again and his voice was low and husky when he demanded, “Say that again.”

TK grinned wickedly, “You’re mine Carlos.”

Then he showed him just how true that was.

25^th December 2021

As the clock struck midnight, church bells peeling and the choir striking up their first hymn, Carlos thought he might have achieved total bliss.

The whole day had been perfect.

Owen had arrived back not long after he and TK had finally managed to leave the bed. He hadn’t seemed at all surprised to find Carlos there or to hear the announcement that they were officially back together. His tears were genuine though and he had hugged Carlos tightly and whispered, “Thank you,” into his ear.

TK had driven them back to his house so he could change and they’d ended up falling into bed again before eventually showering and putting on fresh clothes. He really liked seeing TK wearing his things in the home that would be theirs until their new place could be built.

Owen joined them for dinner at his parent’s house and there had been much hand shaking and back slaps among the men and his mom had kissed everyone on the cheek multiple times before they could make it to the dinner table. TK sat next to him and kept a hand on his leg the whole time, until he wrapped his arm around his shoulders instead while he stole food from his plate. He kissed his cheek when Carlos pretended to be annoyed and although he blushed when he noticed the glances passing around the table, they all looked too pleased for him to really be embarrassed.

A few messages managed to gather everyone at The Bar. The entire crew of the 126 (which now apparently included Nancy as she was glued to Mateo’s side), Grace, Michelle and even Billy cheered when they broke the news. He waited nervously as Michelle dragged TK off for a ‘quick chat’ while he tried to ignore Billy’s warnings about the perils of the Strand men. He watched as Michelle said something to TK, her face serious. TK was nodding and meeting her intense gaze and Carlos was impressed by that; Michelle’s stare down was legendary. Whatever TK said to her must have surprised her because her hand flew to cover her mouth and for a few seconds Carlos’ heart jumped to his mouth, but then they were both laughing and hugging. He let out a breath of relief; not that it would have changed anything but it would definitely be easier if his best friend and boyfriend could get on.

Boyfriend. It seemed so inconsequential a word for what TK was to him. Twin flames, his mother had called them. TK had said he made him whole again. That seemed far more befitting of them; two halves of the same puzzle.

All Carlos knew was that he didn’t make sense without TK.

He had tried to live without him and it hadn’t worked and now he never needed to worry about it again because TK was staying. For good.

They had walked hand in hand through the streets to the church and when Father James had greeted them there was no question that they were a pair. He bade them welcome the same as everyone else but had clasped both of the shoulders and given them a nod that Carlos took as a blessing.

Now he was sat in a pew with his parents on one side and TK on the other. TK held his hand openly. No one that mattered was judging him.

Tears fell from his eyes as they bowed their heads in prayer. He was free, he was happy, he was accepted and he was loved.

They were home.