Chapter Text
In the eyes of the Lord, Moses was flawed.
Since he was chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, away from the Pharaoh’s cunning grasps, Moses always felt the lingering stare boring into the back of his head. The eyes of one beholder who judged everyone. Who created all. Those very eyes witnessed the birth of civilization, of kingdom and their downfalls, of sins, of ancient bodies. But now the eyes stayed on him. Unwavering and certain.
The Lord still held his gaze.
Moses knew he wasn’t brave. He even went far enough to defy God and refuse to serve him. Not that he didn’t want to serve the Lord, he knew trying to sway the minds of millions was not going to work out well for him. Moses expected fire, a punishment worthy for a nonbeliever. Though, after a minute of squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he opened them to see God, in his smokey form he always took. But there was something off about this side of God. Moses could feel his gaze and instead of anger, he only saw exasperation.
The Lord had spared him that day, allowing Moses to bestow the gifted staff to his older brother, Aaron, who dutifully took the responsibility. When he had initially explained what God had in store for the Egyptians and the enslaved Israelites, Aaron had looked at him as if he were talking in tongues-the language of snakes and demons. His faith had been trampled, all the Israelites suffered the same fate, due to the years of mistreatment and no saviour or signs. God was sending a sign now. Maybe it was too late for his people to accept their rightful Lord. But in an act of pity, Aaron played along with him, accepting all he said, even if to make Moses feel seen and heard.
After that day, Aaron had been visited by the Lord's spirit. Moses never saw their interactions, but he could tell they happened by the way Aaron became more confident in his strides and his stature with the staff in hand. Only the words of the Lord could bring a man to peace with himself. So why did Moses feel unworthy of God’s attention. God still told Moses everything he planned on doing to the Egyptians to allow their people to leave. Aaron held the staff, Moses gave the word.
“But why me?” Moses asked one day, sitting on the edge of the Nile, dipping his toes in the rapids below. God made a noise of acknowledgement and Moses felt eyes on him once more. He always felt eyes when God was around him. Unlike how the elders and scrolls explained the eyes of God, Moses never felt belittled or judgemented by the Lord. Instead, he felt fondness and something indescribable, a feeling that Moses was all that was needed in the world for God. It couldn’t be that. Moses knew he wasn’t important enough to have God’s unsparing attention and love. Many other Israelites outside of Egypt probably felt the same way when God visited them. He must visit the ones outside of Egypt, or there would be no one to follow him. To worship his greatness.
“Moses,” Moses’ eyes snapped up, staring across the river as the Lord’s voice pulled him out of his frantic thoughts. “You must see your own value. I did not pick you because you were like the rest.” the voice trailed off from behind him. A wisp of air clung to the back of Moses neck, making him shiver. “‘Do not test the wrath of God and you will be spared’, though you stray from the wise words of past kingdoms. You defy what is standard and ask ‘why should I have faith?’ That is what sets you apart from everyone else.”
Moses freezes, “my inability to learn from the past?”
He could hear God snicker at his tense stature, squeezing his shoulder blades together, face red with fear.
“Your ability to go against the words of those who sinned.”
Gasping, Moses turned to face God, being met with fading steam. The presence of the Lord was gone, leaving Moses flustered and confused. He went back to swinging his legs against the waves, this time more thoughtful. The Lord had complimented Moses, not in a holy way, but in a casual banter. That hadn’t been heard of since Abram. When God appeared as light, gilding lost souls to a heaven they sought after. Now the Lord appeared to Moses as a pillar of steam, drifting in the wind, taunting a promise of freedom.
The Lord kept his eyes on Moses. Though he sinned plenty, he was the only one to own up to them. Pleading God to forgive with tears streaming his face without fail.
Moses was flawed, and so was God.