Chapter Text
February 19, 1925: 150 Boxwood Avenue, Central City
Edward Elric sighs as he lifts the last of his boxes out of the bed of an old truck. It’s amazing, he thinks for probably the thousandth time, how easy it is to uproot an entire existence and just start over again somewhere else—a handful of boxes, a road trip across regions, a few words into the right ear, and just like that he’s in a city he’d once sworn he’d never return to.
He doesn’t realize he’s staring at the truck until an amused voice sounds from somewhere behind him. “You coming, brother?”
Ed pastes a grin on his face as he turns to face Alphonse—wonderful Alphonse, perfect Alphonse, and seeing him in the body they’d stolen back from the Truth will never get old even though it’s been damn near ten years now—and hefts the box higher. “Yeah, Al. Just this box left, and then we can start unpacking.”
Al smiles back, and Ed hopes he never gets used to seeing the fond light in those warm golden eyes. “It’s strange, isn’t it? Settling down for a while, being back in Central after all this time…”
Ed damn near trips over his own feet, barely managing to keep upright. “Yeah,” he forces out. “I guess so.”
Al couldn’t have meant to bring that up. He must’ve been referring to how they’ve been more or less wandering aimlessly for the past ten years—for the past fourteen years, if he counts their time spent chasing rumors in the hopes that they’d get to where they are now. Al wouldn’t knowingly try to drag up something Ed had buried himself long ago.
The first snowflakes begin to fall around them, and he shivers as they land on what little skin he has exposed, frigid little kisses on the backs of his hands and the tip of his nose and the hollow of his throat. It’d been snowing the last time he’d been in Central too, come to think of it, but he hadn’t spent any time out in it at all, he’d been—
He can’t dwell on that. He’s got an apartment to unpack and a clinic to set up and a life to live, and he doesn’t have time to get caught up in his own bullshit again, not when they’ve finally made it this far.
It had taken years of work on top of all the studies and travels they’d taken up both individually and together, but now they can finally start making a real difference with their research into chimeras. He still can’t decide which of them had made those last little critical changes to the reverse transmutation circle, and he supposes it doesn’t matter—not when he can’t activate it anyway, and all the actual work is going to be Al’s doing. But they’d made it work, is his point, and now they’re back in Central to try to make something good of it even though if Ed had his way they’d be holing up in Resembool or somewhere equally remote where he won’t have to deal with—
He shakes his head and starts carrying the box inside. They’re here now, and objectively Ed can agree with every single reason Al had put forth for why the clinic should be in Central. He doesn’t have a reason to stay away that outweighs any of the practical considerations for all the people they’ve met who are already starting to ask for their help, or for any of the people they haven’t met yet but who they hopefully will once word starts to get out about what they’re doing.
He can get over himself for that. He has to. At the end of the day his own issues with being back here don’t matter, not when compared to the lifetime of agony and hiding that most of their future patients have been dealing with.
He sets the box down in the center of the floor, the last of their few belongings from Resembool. Just like that, they’re officially moved in, and he can’t help but think how strange a feeling that is for someone who hasn’t stayed anywhere longer than about two months in over a decade.
They’ll be here for a year, if things go right, or maybe longer. His past self would probably already have been snarling at the idea of being trapped, but these days he’s started to like the idea of finding a place to settle down even if he still leaves on frequent trips.
He’d just never thought it’d be Central, is all.
“Brother, are you sure you’re okay? You’re awful quiet.”
Ed flinches as Al’s concerned question reaches his ears. “I’ll be fine, Al, really. It’s just… been a long drive, and we’ve still got a lot of work to do before we open this place up in two weeks.”
“Ed…”
“It’s fine, Al.” He hopes his brother can’t hear the sudden tension in his voice, or see it in his shoulders. At the very least he’s hoping that Al will let him continue to ignore this and pretend like everything’s okay when he’s actually dying just a little inside with every second he spends looking out the window at snowy skies.
It shouldn’t still be bothering him, not after this long. He hasn’t been back here in nearly five years, and he’s spent that entire time trying to forget why. But now he’s back and it’s like those five years have barely even been five minutes, and something inside him that he’d long since thought scarred over is raw and aching and bleeding like he’d never even—
Arms wrap around him from behind, strong and sure, and Ed turns into his brother’s embrace even as a small voice in the back of his mind shrieks that they’re the wrong arms. Fuck, he’s even worse off than he’d thought, isn’t he? He’d thought these old wounds had by and large healed over, but not even fifteen minutes back in Central and he’s feeling that old loss again as keenly as if it were a limb and not something he never should’ve let happen to begin with.
He avoids his brother’s golden gaze, knowing without looking that it’s going to hold far more pity than he’s comfortable handling right now, but that still doesn’t stop Al from pressing. “It’s about the General, isn’t it?”
“Al, please.” His voice is barely a whisper, even though it feels as harsh as though he were screaming.
“It is. Brother, you—”
Ed—
Ed can’t deal with having this conversation, not here and now where everything is feeling reopened and raw and ragged. “I’ll be fine, Al,” he insists. “It’s just… strange, being back in Central. I’ll adjust, you know I always have.”
“Ed—”
“I have, Al. I can handle this.” Fuck, he hopes he can handle this. More importantly, he hopes Al stops this before it’s too late and his little brother is left to pick up his pieces all over again just like he had five years ago.
A hand grabs his chin, forcing him to meet his brother’s soft and understanding eyes. “Only you never did handle it, did you? You did that thing where you try to ignore it all and pretend it never happened, and now it’s all coming back.”
Okay, so maybe he had, but he doesn’t need Al calling him out on that right now. “Al—”
“I should’ve realized.” It’s like Al hasn’t even heard his protests at all. “I mean, it’s been five years and there wasn’t ever anyone else, was there?”
He jerks away from his brother’s grip and then pastes on the biggest grin he can manage, pulling out the one thing he’s sure will distract Al for at least a little while. “I mean, come on, Al. We can’t all be engaged to badass Xingese princesses who can kick our asses. How’s May doing anyway, is she going to be visiting like you thought she might be?”
The look in Al’s eyes says he knows exactly what Ed is doing, but he allows the distraction with a smile and so Ed’s willing to count it as a win regardless. “As soon as the snows melt, she said. Probably late spring.”
“It’ll be a good time to visit,” Ed replies absently. “Been a long time since we saw Central in the spring, hasn’t it? Last time I was here it was…”
It had been the dead of winter, cold and windy, and a blizzard had made sure his train had been stuck in the city instead of passing through like he’d originally intended. He’d found a warm place to stay at the time, hoping against hope that this time it would work out and he would be enough.
If he’d known then that he’d be left cold and frozen inside like that winter night even now, would he have still done it? He’d like to think he’d have been smarter than this, but a part of him that knows himself knows he was doomed to this all along, that he’d needed the thing to break entirely before he could’ve found the strength to walk away.
Part of him is still aching with all the reminders, with the snow and the wind and the knowledge that just ten blocks away sits a house he’d spent night after night in once upon a time. He needs to get a grip on himself; he’d walked away from Central for a reason, and not even five years could change that much for someone as stupidly stubborn as—
“Brother?”
Shit, he’d gotten carried away again. He clears his throat and turns away from the window. “Yeah, Al?”
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” A hand rests on his shoulder, and the only reason Ed doesn’t shove it off is because he knows Al will just pin him down until he’s ready to listen if he shows any indication of trying to get away. “If you need another couple of weeks to get used to being here again, we could—”
“No.” Ed shakes his head and reaches into his pocket for a hairtie, frowning at the snags that have formed in waist-length hair during their long drive from Resembool before attacking them with his fingers as best he can. “No, this is too important to put off, and you were right when you pointed out that it really has to be done here.”
Al, bless him, produces one of the small traveling brushes Ed’s always losing, and soon Ed is braiding his hair back to keep it out of the way while they unpack. “If you’re sure,” Al replies, though his voice is heavy with obvious doubt. “I just…”
Ed ties off the end of his braid and forces himself to smile. “It’ll be fine. Really. Besides, we’re finally doing what we’d promised ourselves we would years ago, and that’s worth celebrating no matter what.”
“Promise me you’ll tell me if you need something,” his brother demands. “Time, space, a distraction, anything. You know I’ll do it.”
His smile this time is a bit more genuine, if tired. “Yeah, Al, I know.”
It was true, too; Al had delayed a trip to Xing by months to help him get back on his feet five years ago and he knows if he just said the word Al would make sure Ed never had to set foot in this damned city again. He can’t let Al shoulder everything on his behalf, though. He’ll just have to finally deal with the memories that seem to haunt every street corner here.
He sighs and tears into the first of their boxes. First, though, they have an office to set up. The clinic may not be opening for another two weeks, but their phone line needs to be at the ready in the next couple of days so they can start booking appointments. He’ll have plenty of time to think once they’ve hit their stride.
February 21, 1920: Central Train Station, Central City
Ed scowled as he watched the blizzard pick up through the train window. He’d deliberately selected a train that wouldn’t have spent longer than about half an hour in the city when he’d bought his ticket, but he’d failed to account for the weather. The train had been limping along for the past hour in reduced visibility and snow building up on the tracks, and they hadn’t announced it until they’d arrived in the station but he’d known that there would be no further progress that night.
He'd hoped to just pass through with no one the wiser. He still wasn’t ready to deal with his… whatever this was with Roy, yet, not after the previous week. But he didn’t need to make any calls to know that every damn hotel in Central would’ve been booked full at this point, and the few rooms that would’ve been left might have been affordable if he’d still been a state alchemist but were definitely out of the budget of a country dweller who survived on odd jobs.
That really only left one option, and Ed took a deep breath before walking away from the station, suitcase in hand.
Maybe it would be good for them, to have this one night. Things had been rough lately, enough that his chest still ached whenever he thought about it too hard, but maybe another good night to balance out the bad could help both of them gain some much-needed perspective.
Maybe one good night would remind Roy that he could be enough, and remind Ed to be happy with what he could get.
He bit his lip to ward off the stinging sensation in his eyes. He’d known from the beginning the limits that this thing between them had, and there was no point in being upset about it now. Besides, he needed to get to Roy’s house, and quickly, or risk frostbite around the automail port attached to his left thigh. Thankfully, the man lived close to the train station, and so he didn’t have to go far before he was knocking on the front door and hoping against hope that he hadn’t come all this way for nothing.
Dark eyes widened in surprise as Roy opened the door, but Ed just clutched his coat more tightly around himself. “My train got stuck,” he whispered, “and all the hotels are full. I’ll be gone in the morning, but…”
It should’ve been relaxing, being let into Roy’s warm house as the door shut out the blizzard behind them. It should’ve been a relief to have made it to his lover’s home, where he could be comfortable for the night. The tension he was feeling refused to dissipate, though, as he avoided looking at Roy in favor of shifting closer to the fireplace. Sure, the dark-haired man had let him in, but that didn’t mean…
Careful hands took his sodden coat, offering a warm blanket in its place, and Ed gratefully wrapped himself in it instead. It seemed Roy was just as reluctant to talk about the latest in a string of false starts and broken promises between them as he was, but that wasn’t stopping him from welcoming Ed regardless. Maybe that was a good sign, maybe they could have this and then go back to doing what they needed to do in order to move forward, together or—
Fingertips under his chin tilted his head back, and Ed gratefully lost himself in one kiss after another. No matter what else had come to pass between them, this part had always been so blissfully easy, and it was no exception this time either as Roy shifted to mouth along his jaw. It was easy to forget both the chill in the night air and the chill that lingered in his heart when the heat of the physical spark between them was allowed to blossom, and soon Ed was tugging at Roy’s shirt and stumbling toward the stairs.
They didn’t need words to know what was going to happen now, just like they hadn’t needed words the first time they’d fallen together. By the time they were up the stairs and Ed was walking backwards toward Roy’s bedroom, both of their shirts had been discarded and his hands were low on the other man’s hips, keeping him close enough that they stumbled over each other as they moved. Dark eyes took him in, scars and all, just like they had the first time, and the heat in those eyes made him shiver and tug Roy even closer.
Why couldn’t all the rest of it be as easy as this? This came as easily as breathing, as easily as life itself, but anything to do with the rest of their relationship was as murky and convoluted and full of false leads as his early search for the Stone. Even just thinking about it had unease fluttering in his stomach, a sensation that he knew would grow into nausea if he let it. Better to distract himself before it could become a problem.
He knelt in the middle of Roy’s bedroom floor, clumsy hands fumbling with the dark-haired man’s belt, and grinned when elegant fingers tangled in his hair to keep him close. To make it easier, he reached up and slid the tie out of his hair before tugging sharply until Roy’s pants were around his knees and he could take the man’s newly-freed length into his mouth.
Ed loved doing this, loved the feel of Roy’s hands gently tugging to keep him close and of Roy’s cock filling him. He loved the look on Roy’s face when he glanced up and their eyes met, the stunned pleasure that Ed could still give him even if the rest of everything was going to shit. He loved…
He loved Roy, and it was pointless to try to deny it.
He hummed happily around the cock in his mouth, and he would’ve grinned at the startled gasp it earned him if he could’ve. Instead he pressed forward, taking as much of it in as he could. It was a struggle; after months together he could admit that his jaw was slightly too small for what he was trying to do. That didn’t mean he couldn’t try, though, and Roy had certainly never complained about his efforts.
Far too soon, Roy pulled him back by the hair, and he stared up at the other man as he struggled to catch his breath. “What…?”
Roy smirked, pulling him back up to his feet, and then those lips were on his neck and a hand was sliding down his back, pressing him closer until…
Oh. He hadn’t come here with the plan of getting fucked, but he certainly wasn’t opposed.
He grinned up at Roy and arched closer in response, gasping as their hips met before tugging him into another kiss and fumbling for his own belt. The other man gripped his hips and began walking him back toward the bed, and Ed laughed as he fell backwards once the backs of his knees hit the mattress. He arched his back and began working his own pants down and off, and soon he was fully on the bed, hair tumbling over his shoulders as he supported himself on hands and knees.
The drawer of the bedside table rattled beside him, and he bit his lip to hold back a moan at the knowledge of what was about to happen. He couldn’t resist looking back over his shoulder, though, meeting Roy’s dark eyes as fingers made slick with lubricant traced around him before pressing inside.
His elbows trembled and gave out as his back arched, and this time he couldn’t stop himself from moaning as those fingers worked him open. Fuck, it was good, it was always good, Roy was amazing at this and never failed to leave him a shaking mess by the time he was finally ready to take what they both wanted.
Why couldn’t they be amazing at the rest of it, too?
Ed gasped as those fingers curled into him one last time before pulling back, and he had to bite at the pillow next to his face to keep himself from pleading for more. He didn’t have to wait long, though; only a few moments later Roy was pressing into him and he was trembling from the sheer bliss of being joined this way again.
A hand curled around his own cock, and he didn’t even need it in order to come from this but he couldn’t find his voice to plead for that hand to rest on his hip instead, anything to make this moment last just a little longer. All he could do was gasp and groan as his back arched to meet the movements of Roy’s hips and as that hand began to move on him in time with thrust after perfect thrust.
It didn’t last long. It couldn’t have, not with how good even just having that perfect length inside of him made him feel. With the addition of Roy’s hand on him he didn’t have a chance, and all too soon he was shouting his pleasure into the pillows as he trembled in his lover’s embrace. The other man reached his own climax not long after, and before he knew it they were curled on their sides with Roy’s arm around his waist.
He wanted to turn and face the dark-haired man resting behind him. He wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, to play with the hair falling into his eyes. He wanted to smile and laugh and snuggle closer while they both talked about everything and nothing and even the most inconsequential things seemed important because Roy was saying them. He wanted it all, but he had no idea how to reach out and take it.
I love you, something inside of him was screaming. I love you, and I don’t understand why there’s this gap between us that I can’t seem to bridge no matter how hard I try.
Another part of his mind was full of endless questions as it always was, but instead of the world around him its focus was devoted to exactly one man. Why can’t we just be happy together? How did we get to this place? Why am I suddenly too much of a fucking coward to open my goddamn mouth and tell you everything that’s been on my mind?
How is it that you can fuck me without saying a single word?
He hadn’t said a word, Ed suddenly realized, not from the moment he’d shown up at Roy’s doorstep. Any words that had passed between them had been spoken by Ed himself. Roy had just… reacted.
Fuck. Fucking hell, that realization cut like a knife between his ribs, and he flinched as he curled up just a bit more tightly. He had to do something, had to say something, anything to stop this from getting any worse before it was too late and—
Only it was already too late, wasn’t it? A string of broken promises laid itself out all too neatly in Ed’s mind, and not even the memories of when it was good were enough to banish it. Not anymore.
That always-questioning part of his mind had one more question for him to struggle with, though, just like it always did. Why can't I ever be enough for you?
His shoulders shook and he bit his lip, burying his face in the pillow to make sure no sound could escape him. He was pretty sure he managed it all right, but the sudden movement caused Roy to stir behind him and rub a hand up and down his back.
Fuck, he couldn’t deal with this. “It’s fine,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
Roy only grunted softly in reply, clearly still mostly asleep, and before long the hand went still. Ed shifted slightly, trying to gauge if the other man was still awake without actually looking at him, and that hand silently slipped away.
He sighed and sat up, knowing he would get no further sleep that night, and by the time the light of sunrise was starting to creep into Roy’s windows Ed was already long gone.