Chapter Text
December 31, 2015
Evan Hansen's therapist had suggested walking as one of his coping mechanisms. A way to stave off his increasing anxiety attacks and keep him tethered to reality. Before long, he started to see it as an escape. Not only from home, but when everything was overwhelming and darkness started to press into the corners of his mind, he would take a walk.
At first, he didn't walk often. Just a few times when he really needed to get out of the house. Then more when his mom started going to night classes. By the time winter break began and Evan was left alone with his thoughts more often than not, he was walking nearly every day. Never too far or for too long, but it almost always helped him manage his anxiety, at least for a little while.
It was New Year’s Eve. After a particularly dark string of thoughts had entered his mind and refused to leave, Evan had tugged on a hoodie, stumbled out of the house, and just started running. He wasn’t thinking about where he was going, just trying to focus on his shoes pounding onto the pavement, the feeling of the cold air filling his lungs and his bitten nails scratching his palms.
He ran further than he ever had before; past the Goodwill and the Laundromat and the Dollar General. His legs ached and his lungs burned, but he kept running.
He was shocked out of his running trance when he slipped on a patch of ice and crashed to the frozen ground.
Evan groaned as he unsteadily hauled himself up; annoyance quickly being replaced by confusion. Where was he?
He glanced around, noting the Whole Foods across the street and a vegan café next to it. The streets were nearly empty, though cleared of most of the snow from the night before. He guessed nobody was going to shop at Whole Foods on New Year’s Eve.
Evan wandered the streets, stuffing his hands in his pockets and trying desperately to pretend he was perfectly mentally healthy. He bit at his lips, swallowing down nausea and scanning the area for a place to sit while he tried to warm up.
Eventually in his wandering, Evan came across a huge wooden sign in front of what looked like a field full of dead trees. The sign was faded but he could just make out, 'Glorymeadow Apple Orchard'. The front gate was completely missing, and there was a snow covered barn hidden behind some trees.
He entered the empty orchard, trying to mentally retrace his steps so he could figure out how to get home. Except, he didn’t really want to go home. Home wasn’t a safe space anymore, not with his mom away more often than not and his thoughts getting darker every day. Home was just another place he wanted to get away from, now.
Evan stared at the snow falling onto dead tree branches and wondered if anyone would notice if he just disappeared right there. His mom would, when she got home from work. Maybe Jared after school started again after the break. Dr. Sherman, probably. He didn’t even really want to die exactly, but he just wanted to stop existing. Just for a while. Just until he could be happy again.
He wandered over to a rotted wood bench and sat down. It was freezing; since it had been snowing for days on end. He’d forgotten his coat in his rush out of the house and he was shivering in his thin hoodie. Evan didn’t think he could face the empty, dark house anytime soon, so he stood up and trudged across the empty field towards the trees.
Evan had been walking for nearly 10 minutes when he was snapped out of his trance by realizing he was completely lost. Trees and piled snow surrounded him in every direction.
He was on the verge of panic. What if he stayed lost and then he had to stay here overnight? He didn't even know where he was! Plus, his phone was dead so he couldn't call his mom to tell her he got lost in an apple orchard of all places so she'd know where to find his frozen corpse the next morning.
Suddenly, he heard faint music filtering through the tree branches.
There was someone sitting at the base of one of the tallest trees Evan had ever seen. As he walked closer, he saw the somewhat familiar figure of Connor Murphy from his English class. There was a tiny green ipod in the snow next to him, and he held a lit cigarette dangerously close to the tree he was leaning against. Evan had a horrible vision of the trees catching fire and spreading and burning the whole orchard to the ground.
“You shouldn’t do that,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. “You could start a forest fire.”
Connor looked up and glared at him, rolling his eyes. “Who are you, Smokey the fucking bear?”
Evan’s confidence from before had completely vanished the moment he had gotten a response. “Um, n-no,” he mumbled. “I’m just- I’m worried about the… trees.”
Connor just blinked boredly. “The trees.”
Evan’s voice was barely audible. “Yes.”
Connor scoffed and put the cigarette back into his mouth, raising his eyebrows as if he was daring Evan to say anything else.
Evan fiddled with his jacket zipper, staring at the ground. He could feel Connor’s eyes boring into him, and he tried not to wince.
"S-so, you're in my English class right?"
Connor blew smoke in his direction and paused the music on his ipod.
“Mhm," Connor slipped the ipod into his pocket and stood, stalking past him toward the opening in the trees.
Evan followed him, trying to look as casual as possible and not like he was utterly lost.
They walked silently to the entrance, and Evan was rehearsing how he would ask Connor for directions back to his neighborhood when Connor turned to him.
“You’re lost,” Connor stubbed his cigarette out and put the end in his pocket.
“Uh-”
“I’ll take you home,” Connor cut him off, unlocking his car- a shiny black audi- and gesturing for him to get in.
Normally, he wouldn’t even think about getting into a car with a near stranger, but he was bordering on desperation and he was too grateful to refuse.
Evan stumbled over his thank yous as he climbed into the passenger seat of the two-seater.
The ride was mostly silent, save for when Connor asked Evan for his address and most of Evan’s energy was spent trying his best not to stumble over his words.
Soon enough, Connor pulled into the empty driveway, unlocking the doors.
“Thank you, I really appreciate it. Really, thank you so much.”
Connor just nodded, grinning a bit. “No problem.”
He fumbled with his keys as he got out of the car, finally unlocking the dead-bolt with shaking hands. It was so cold.
He heard Connor speed off as he closed the door, and was once again faced with the dark, empty condo.
He heard distant fireworks in the distance, with accompanying laughter as he trudged up to his room and flopped onto his bed.
He briefly thought about Connor, wondering if he had dropped him off on his way to a cool new year’s party. Those were a thing, right?
Connor probably had better things to do than think about him. He definitely wasn’t sitting in his room by himself in the dark, listening to the house settle, and trying desperately not to think about how this year would most likely be the same as any other.
Fireworks boomed as the hours ticked by. Evan slumped over on his bed.
12 AM
Happy New Year.