Work Text:
June 15
I have not the words to describe the feeling of burring one's own mother. My own mother.
I've barely had time to feel anything at all, in the last week, Aberforth and I were rushed from school, left with funeral arrangements to make - Aberforth has not handled this as well as I'd hoped. But ho can I possibly hope for any reaction from him but the one he's giving? Complete and utter rage - he's just been orphaned at fifteen years old.
He's a child. I suppose some would contend that I am a child too, barely old enough to legally keep out family together. but I have never been a proper child, nor have I never wished to be what I am. There you have it, in grief, we become what nature imprinted on our souls in birth - Aberforth becomes more of a gypsy and I turn increasingly introspective.
I have had to say goodbye to Elphias, and it breaks my hear to do so. He's been a good friend , especially now. the day we found out about mother he came with us both from school and for days refused to leave my side for a moment, despite my bouts of ungrateful initiation, for which I am now copiously sorry.
I daresay it broke his hear as well, to go on the tour we were going to take alone. he said there was something he wanted to tell me - but that it would wait until he returned. he even volunteered to stay here, with me instead of going.
I reminded him that his parents had already invested so much work in his trip, he had to make use of the opportunity. I told him, go.
He eventually agreed, embraced me, and left - just now.
It's only been a few hours, and already I wish I had asked him to stay.
June 16
Aberforth did not return last night. He prefers to spend his time outside and I suspect that, but he did not return at all last time. I was almost beside myself, but I couldn't leave Ariana home by herself, to do so would be to ignite disaster, so I sat on the front steps of the porch with my head in my hands and waited. eventually, an image came to mind, of Aberforth asleep under a tree with three goats close, keeping him warm. my eyes flew open and far from calm, I was angry. Angry that he'd take his own safety so reckless in his own hands.
I do not need to lose anyone more.
I do not think i could stand to lose anyone more.
He returned this morning and like an idiot, I shouted at him. Aberforth screamed at me and Ariana work, ran down stairs and grabbed me.
The windows shattered.
My gods, she's so fragile - my mother's murder.
I had just calmed her down and put her to bed, when Aberforth laid into me, calling me irresponsible.
As though I had wanted her to do that.
He stormed off, gain. gods know when he'll be back.
The only thing holding me together is preparing my presentation for the next alchemical conference in September. it's being held in Frankfurt this year and Nicholas Flamel himself is attending.
June 20
I personally wish I had time to pack my potion supplies when I left school and brought there here.
Ariana has been having nightmares again, for the last three days and has set herself on fire, send a fireplace poker through the wall and into the oak tree in the front yard and screamed words at me that I had no ... idea she knew.
When mother took care of her, she never spoke of Ariana's tempter. Then again, it could be very new, her way of responding to mother's death. Her way of quieting is to hurl food at me and then sob uncontrollably, but scream if I try to approach her.
Aberforth is so much better that I at this. Where is he?
June 23
I had to owl the alchemical conference to say I cannot attend due to family hardship.
June 25
Aberforth back. Not speaking to me.
"Sod off Albus, I don't need your help."
July 2
I have burned my presentation for the alchemical conference. Looking at it all the time make me angry, and it was never really empirically sound. Ariana tried giving herself a bath today and ran around the house naked for four hours speaking a make up language.
July 15
Ariana is finally asleep and I will hex whatever wakes her up into oblivion.
The conference offered money, offered to provide accommodation for my family members who needed to come with me ... but of course, I can't can I ? I can't bring Ariana to a conference. I can't manage to unite more then three pages of my thoughts in an entire week and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I only get outside at night now if I can coax Ariana outside in the darkness to play in the now ransacked back yard with me and even then, I feel dull and useless.
How did this become my life? How have her limitations become my limitations? The thought of living like an invalid ("in-valid" how apt a description of what I feel) for the rest of my life ... I can't describe the horrifying way I've come to hate this house.
July 16
I have just met an angel.
That was my first impression of the nephew of old Mrs. Bagshot when she brought him over to make the introduction. I feel like an utter fool for saying so, but he almost had a tangible halo around his head where the sun shone through his curls.
I must have looked ridiculous, i was in the same plane blue robes I wore yesterday, I'd just woken up, my hair must have looked impossible "like a back combed fox tail" as Aberforth would have said had he been there to watch me remember my manners after staring at my new neighbour like some slack jawed idiot and shook his hand, which was warm even through the glove.
I am a babbling hermit.
July 17
The angel is unspeakably brilliant.
He returned to day to pay a proper visit, looking even more radiant then usual and I was pleasantly stunned, nay, gobsmacked to discover that not only is he the most beautiful creature I've ever seen up close but by far the most intelligent.
I don't wonder if perhaps I'm making him up in my own head.
Thank gods I had the sense to wear something clean today.
We had a lengthily, fascinating debate regarding the ethical implications of transfiguring animal life into inanimate objects, and he really had me at a couple points.
And he's a year younger then I am. I've never had this much in common with anyone so quickly.
July 18
Gellert Grindelwald is lovely. he's well read, challenging, a remarkable mind, almost dangerously charming and he just spent all afternoon with me.