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As the days pass by, the weaving words and letters spin around like a wan and waxen blur of dripping candles, hot enough to sting yet the feeling never stays, always fading away before he could properly register it and hold it close.
What was the root of it all? He couldn’t say. Was it the slow goodbyes, or the slow darkening of his duties, as he blindly reached and did and done? He couldn’t tell. And the worst part is, he didn’t even know if he cared.
Was that wrong?
Perhaps. But what was the point anyway, if he had orders to finish and demands to uphold? Books to archive and books to read, to scour for information, a hint of knowledge, to at least satiate him, even for a little while.
His IIsight was straight ahead, never straying or blinking. (and maybe that was the actual reason, but he didn’t bother to reason with himself.)
Then that damned portal showed up, and shoved him through into a labyrinth of lights and air and greenery. If there was a meaning to life right now, he would like to know. If there was a thing such as fate, he would like to shove his metallic foot up its ass and demand what the fuck was going on.
He could feel the unfamiliar sensations all around him— the warmth of the rays bearing down on him on the edge of discomfort, or the cracks of crunchy gravel underneath his simple boots. He had never felt blades of grass against his skin, much less his more inhumane parts, or breathed in fresh air.
It all came to him in a barrage of feelings and sensations he could only think of as painful.
He scrabbled at his air filter when his brain finally caught up to him— the fresh air felt suffocating, deathly even as he choked on it, before finally getting the filter to fucking loosen up, taking off pressure with a small hiss.
He sucked in the pure air greedily, a newborn taking its first breaths. He pressed a metal hand to his chest, fingers splayed and palm pressed against his chest tightly, feeling the frantic beats of his heart.
His IIs wide yet seeing, as for the first time in what felt like centuries- he breathed.
And he had never known something this fresh, genuine or even new until now. He had only known the barriers of the smog filled city and the crushing weight of the people around him, a reality that was barren and dark and lonely.
And perhaps, a shadow he had never known he had lifted from him, and he felt at least a tiny bit more free.
He had never enjoyed the simple moments. Why would he, if everything felt like the same old thing every day, like a hollow shell of what it once was?
It felt like a chore- to live and to enjoy moments that passed like fleeting colours in flight. To make choices that wouldn’t even impact him deeply in the future, to stare at packaged food before shoving them away and working.
But maybe at this moment, he somewhat understood why people insisted on enjoying them. He listened as the soft laughter of Uki trailed along the air like the stirring of spring leaves, Yugo’s passionate cheering and the sight of Sonny and Alban chasing each other like brothers filled his vision.
He felt the gentle breeze against his face, which was still an unfamiliar sensation to him as the trees swayed around him like in some sort of dance. He wasn’t alone- but he still felt disconnected. He didn’t deserve any of this- he didn’t even want any of this. Yet, a small, traitorous part of him preened and leapt in joy at the sight of his friends(friends? He scoffed at the word. Who would ever?)having fun and messing around.
He tried to swallow away the apparent dryness of his throat to no avail, as a smile crept onto his face. He hoped it didn’t look too forced. He breathed, even if darkness still crept in and made a home there.
He wished this stupid rivalry with Vox was to end, or at least Vox to explain. He couldn’t tell- like always, because his emotional perception was like a rock buried underneath the layers of the sea- if it was all in good fun or if ‘Voxxy’ actually wanted him gone.
He was so confused, and because of that his mind fumbled in twists and turns, growing frustrated with his own life because all he had known was a dystopian reality, barren of life and filled with greys and blacks that no one or anything stood out, before being suddenly shoved into a world filled with vibrant colours and diversity. He found himself stumbling and adjusting, blindly reaching out and hoping he doesn’t tumble off a cliff.
Honestly, what the fuck was with him? Stop the pity party, he doesn’t get to be dismayed. He doesn’t get to be emotional, he should feel blessed he got it made. Work he somewhat enjoyed, playing games and communicating with people that loved him, steady income and a whole plethora of friends and a rival.
He had it set.
So why did he feel like sitting down, in a dark room’s corner, shaking in the shadows as he fought the urge to tear his hair out? So why did he feel like he wouldn’t mind jumping off a cliff as he blindly reached out into the depths? So why did he feel so alone, isolated and disconnected from this new reality, even with friends and support? Why, why, why?
It was a question he asked himself every single fucking day. And it drove him crazy.
He wanted to scream until his voice gave out, wanted to rage and throw things about. He wanted to sob and cry and sob again in a cycle that would never end. He wanted to pound at the doors, rip things apart at the seams and scream at the sky for just an answer before his body shook and fainted from exhaustion.
And yet, he laid in bed, mind flickering like a dying candle’s flame. He felt empty. Lifeless, even as his phone buzzed with incoming invites and calls and messages.
He ignored them and closed his IIs.
But of course, there were the good days. Where he felt like he was walking on the wisps of clouds and never felt happier, the cracks of his heart momentarily healed and the shadows crept away.
He laughed and wheezed at his friends at Niji, Alban’s shenanigans and Yugo’s screaming. Nina’s teasing and Petra’s jokes, Sonny’s skills and Mysta’s chaos. He loved talking with them, on calls or through text as he held the moments close to his chest and hoped that the memories and feelings would never leave.
Though in the end they always do, like the slow drip of wax from a burning candle.
He enjoyed his work- reacting to funny moments and screaming at awful scenarios in game, pleading to NPCs to spare him or dropping innuendos every instance he could.
He reciprocated Uki’s words, confident in himself, charm oozing as he looked at his life and thought, Yeah. Maybe this is what I want. Maybe I am okay.
It never lasted. But it was fun when it did.
On those days, he felt unstoppable. Like a crashing wave against the sand, receding with a soft hiss before coming back and washing away the dark footsteps that his old reality left. The darkest of the seaweed never left though- and perhaps he was just a sucker for metaphors, but he couldn’t help but compare those strings of seaweed to his own pain. Unconsciously, maybe they were.
Never leaving, rooted so deep that not even the strongest waves could move them. Twisted bark so intertwined that no one could untangle them, grooves so deep that a slight touch would scratch him. So he was fine, and fine with them being there, ignoring them during the highest he was at.
He never wanted to acknowledge that they were a problem, or even there. What was the point? He was fine.
The scent of freshly made coffee wafted in the air as Sonny handed him a warm cup, the other nursing his own cup as he sipped at it and stared out the window.
It was a gloomy day, and it seemed to have matched up with his mood. Heavy rain pelted onto the streets, the street lamps flickering feebly as they shone whatever yellow light they could produce. Unforgiving clouds sent chills and cold wind through the city, as the two of them watched in comfortable silence. The sounds of rain unwillingly relaxed him, even as his mood plummeted.
"...You know you could talk to us whenever you want, right?"
Sonny's soft voice sounded into the air, breaking the tranquility for a moment. Fulgur's IIs drifted towards him, his hands wrapped around the cup as if to gain warmth from it. It was an illusion he happily obliged himself in, wanting to feel at least the delusory sensation of warmth. It obviously didn't work, but he continued to do so anyway.
"And it's not just whenever," Sonny continued, watching Fulgur. "When you're down as well. We're family, aren't we?"
Family. Funny how his brain held a plethora of words, yet couldn't seem to comprehend the meaning of it. It was such a foreign concept to him. Still, he breathed a soft sigh as his IIs looked to the window again, ignoring Sonny's stare as he opened his mouth to give an answer, as untruthful as it was.
"Yeah. I know."
Fulgur blinked down at Alban whose tail curled around his arm, as the other stuck close to him. The sound of his explosive laughter echoed around the room, as Fulgur stared at the mysterious thing wrapped around his synthetic limb.
He squinted his IIs, curious, as he reached out his other arm and gave it a slight poke.
Alban jumped, letting out a yelp of surprise as he whirled towards Fulgur, scooting away. Fulgur already missed the feeling of the other pressed up against him, even as he tried to shake it off.
"What was that for?" Alban whined, dragging out his words playfully as his eyes narrowed. Fulgur barked out a laugh, sounding fake even to his ears, and shrugged nonchalantly. "Sorry, Albanyan."
Alban pursed his lips in fake contempt before scooting back to his original place, leaning on Fulgur again, his tail left out of the equation now. The conversation continued, even as Fulgur remained silent. The warmth seeped back into him, warding away a chill he didn't know he had.
It was nice.
He could never understand people who said they found stories in the clouds. Maybe back then, when the clouds in his world were still stark white against the bright blue. But then again, all he knew were the dreary grey clouds of storms and seas overhead in his world.
He never found joy in watching them, only serving to dampen his mood if he watched them float and cry ahead. So he just went along with his day, the thought of clouds at the back of his mind.
But here he was; sitting on the roof with Uki beside him, pressed together close as he shared their company with him. The melodic softness of Uki’s voice filled the comfortable silence, as they both stared up into the sunny sky, with rolling clouds far and wide to see.
He listened to Uki ramble about what was in the clouds- mindless shapes roving around, or perhaps a cloud resembling a bunny, or a bird here and there. Innate warmth spread throughout his body as rays of sunlight shone on both of them, warming him inside out, like a ball of happiness slowly unfurling within him.
He was never into cloud-watching, but maybe he could make an exception now.
The rest of Noctyx soon joined them. Sonny’s firm body against his side while Uki was on the other, and Yugo and Alban leaning onto the others' sides- it felt like home.
It felt like home, and while he couldn’t cry he felt on the edge of tears as he realised. He felt so undeserving of their love, but he wanted to know what it was like to know that he deserved it. He wanted to know that he deserved all the positive things that he got. If he squeezed their hands longer, basked in their shared warmth and laughter for as long as he could, that was for him to know.
And for the first time in a long while— he wanted to change.
It was never going to be easy. He knew that. It wasn’t easy going from a life of dark and shadow, to a life of vibrancy and hope. Clawing out of the darkness would take time, and he knew that. And he was willing to wait; and work, for as long as he needed to feel alright. To feel whole.
But sometimes, he wished that he didn’t try at all. Sometimes, he wished that he was just a piece of scrap metal drowning underneath the pressure of inky oceans. Sometimes, he felt so undeserving of everyone’s love that he wanted to lock himself away. Sometimes, he felt like all of his efforts were gone to waste and just felt numb.
He wanted to scream, laughing at his own dreams as he stumbled and fell. Existing between real and pretend, a twisted alter-fiction where he balked and didn’t try.
But amidst all the mist, all the darkness he portrayed, hands held onto him, pulled him up from the stormy waves of his undoing, holding onto him as he shook, never letting him fall too far.
And he was so, so grateful. He wanted, and would try. Maybe not for him, sometimes, but for them instead, as he watched as the bright, highlighter-like hair stood out in the imaginary dark, one’s passionate cheering and laughter mixed in the noises of soft cursing and a gentle voice, and the chaos of a thief ridden in between.
Perhaps a while ago, he couldn't have understood the meaning of friends, much less family. But now, it seemed closer than ever before, almost feeling like it was in his grasp.
If not for him, for them.
So he continued.
He stood in front of them, on the top of the roof like that fateful day, hands clenched around the hem of his shirt. The sunset painted regal purples and magnificent blues, preparing for the sprinkle of brilliant stars against a velvet sky, as the last rays of orange sun warmed them all.
They watched with slightly concerned eyes, yet a spark of anticipation in them.
“I never found a chance to say it, but,” He breathed in, and while his IIs couldn’t produce tears, he felt real close to it if it was in his ability to do so. “Thanks for saving my life.” His voice came out in an unsteady whisper, as his synthetic hands remained steady whereas his flesh and blood body felt like it could crumble into itself at any moment.
Uki’s heterochromatic eyes softened as a gentle smile took over his face. The rest of Noctyx, his found family(his, his own family), murmured soft affirmations as Fulgur collapsed into their arms, breaths shuddering and shaking as he clasped onto their arms like a lifeline. They weren’t far from it.
Real love is a protector, a defender, a connection that stays with you for always and in all ways. It is raw and it will roar for you if required.
It will stay with you in silence and be your comfort. Real love will celebrate with you, and raise you up. Real love will be okay with your sadness and kiss the scars you hide from others. He couldn’t help but wonder about it, it being a far away thing last year- but now? He held it in his grasp, and never wanted to let go.
The weight of their warmth around him enveloped him, like a soft blanket of fire and hearth settling down, a final puzzle piece clicking into place, and quite literally a hug, filled with affection and love.
A life-old ball of darkness unfurled within him, making him feel lighter than he had ever been. This is the life that I want, he realised to himself. And I will be okay.
Wisps of laughter traveled along the gentle breeze of air, as Fulgur sat calmly, a smile on his face as he watched Uki scold Alban for something he couldn’t remember he did, Sonny snickering at the back while Yugo cackled at the scene.
The red checkered blanket laid soft under him, as he fiddled with the blades of grass that rested beside him, food set in a basket nearby. A radio beside him played out the soft melodies of the beginnings of a song, harmonies spilling out into the air. He breathed in, steady.
"Yo! Pass me the radio please, Fuu-chan?" Yugo asked, waving a hand in a suggesting manner from the other side of the picnic.. Fulgur huffed in amusement, before shaking his head and gestured at the radio.
"If you want it, you're going to have to stand up and get your lazy ass up to get it yourself, Yugo. I'm a cyborg, not a maid ya know," He answered playfully, bursting into laughter at the sight of the deadpan expression on Yugo's face. Yugo dramatically heaved a joking sigh and went to stand up, before a sneaky, gloved hand threw blades of grass into Yugo's face.
"Wh-Wha-" Yugo spluttered in confusion, hands waving around and swiping at the grass as Alban rolled on the floor wheezing, Uki barely managing to stifle laughter. Fulgur doesn't know how he got out of the scolding, but it doesn't really matter now does it? Sonny came over, a glint in his eyes before pulling Alban in a headlock. Yugo finally regained his senses and threw Alban a dirty look, saying something in Japanese that made Sonny laugh.
"ACK- Sonny, no please!" Alban managed to get out in between explosive laughs, breathing erratic as he wriggled to try to get out of Sonny's grasp, Sonny cackling in joy before ruffling Alban's head of hair aggressively, with Yugo cheering Sonny on. Uki acted as a mediator, before sighing in defeat and simply watching with amused eyes.
Fulgur watched it all with a soft smile, the radio long forgotten as it played nostalgic tunes.
He wondered, sometimes. If there was any difference to him now and back then. But then he would look back, and see a wide gap to who he once was, pride filling him as he looked.
And there was a clear difference, to the person he once was. He was different, lighter, the shadows that were once creeping over his shoulder, over his heart lifted and carried away, the wisps of hopelessness floating off.
There were still tendrils of darkness rooted in the cracks of his heart, locked in so deep that he once felt that they were there forever. But now? But now, he knew different. And one day, he would open up like the books he once had, the pages of his feelings and past bared open, flipping pages and healing the rips and tears.
One day, he would tell his friends, no, his family, what he felt like in the deepest days where he felt like nobody in a pit of nowhere.
And one day, he knew he was going to be alright. Fully alright, whole and healed. But that could wait. In this moment, he had never felt freer.
For once, there was change. To those who had known him recently— perhaps not. Perhaps they would never notice, but that wasn’t worth caring for the opinions they held.
People would never tell. He knew that. People that saw him from far distances would never tell that he had gone through shit, and would never tell that he was different.
They would never tell that he was the lightest, the wholest he had ever been in his whole life. But that was fine. Because you know what?
He felt it. And that was enough.