Chapter Text
I’m not actually sure if I want to tell this story. It’s the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in all my immortal life, and that’s including everything that occurred during my six months as Lester Papadopoulos. Are you certain you want and/or need to read this? You can look away now if you’re kind enough to spare me the humiliation. Close the tab. Delete your browser history, just to be safe.
…Okay, I don’t think I appreciate how enthusiastically your eyes just leaped onward, but very well. I’ll relay the sordid tale for you, my not-so-dear reader.
It began with an ambush. All right, perhaps that's a bit overdramatic. But really, what other word is there for when you're walking down the hallway of your own palace on your way to harness your sun horses for a lovely sunrise, and your twin sister jumps out at you from around a corner like one of those horrible little girl demons that enjoy creeping around in horror movies? (Despite what that sister will say, I did not yelp like a frightened puppy or jump a foot in the air. Unfortunately there’s no point in even trying to sue her for defamation regarding her blatant lies about me, because the last time I did the lawsuit got all tied up in the courts for centuries. I ended up forgetting what I’d even set out to prosecute her for. Damn the United States judicial system to Tartarus.)
Anyway, I courageously summoned my bow and confronted the small, possibly demonic entity, before somewhat belatedly recognizing her.
"Artemis?" I relaxed my grip on the bowstring and stared at her, bemused.
"Good morning, Brother," she said calmly. Only a hint of a smirk betrayed the fact that she had clearly enjoyed scaring the everliving Hades out of me.
"Good morning to you, too, Sister. To what do I owe the pleasure of this early morning break-in?"
Artemis rolled her eyes. "If you are not too busy today, my Hunters and I could use your help with a small matter."
My mouth dropped open. "You need my help? With your Hunters?" I looked out one of the hall windows to make sure there weren't a couple of pigs flying past. I was pretty sure that would be the only time my sister would be asking for my help with her personal girl gang. Other than the odd transportation request…
"Wait, this isn't about needing the sun bus, is it? Because after what happened last time with Thalia Grace, I'm not so sure I'm on board with—"
"It's not that," Artemis interrupted. She grimaced. "We received a prophecy, of sorts, from one of your sons, about the beast we've been hunting. Will Solace relayed the message to Thalia, and according to him, the tarot reading was unmistakable. To defeat the Teumessian Fox, my Hunters and I require your aid."
I'll admit, I was glad to hear my sister needed me. Not because I wanted to lord it over her, or anything so immature. Mostly, I still felt I owed her one for the whole “saving me from certain death and even certainer zombification” thing at Camp Jupiter. And of course it also gave me an excuse to catch up with my friends Thalia and Reyna. (Since I'd been back from my sojourn as a mortal, Artemis had yet to relax her ban on me dropping in on her Hunters to say hi on the grounds that I was still quite "distracting" and "extremely obnoxious." Even though I'd totally renounced the useless pastime of flirting with them! Like, come on, sis, it had never been serious to begin with. Half of those girls hadn’t and wouldn’t ever start puberty, for gods' sakes!)
"Sure, I think I can take care of my little sister's monster," I said with a grin.
Artemis raised an eyebrow, ignoring the "little sister" comment. "Are you sure? This is serious, Apollo. I can't tell you how many cities this creature has destroyed since it reformed."
"Don't worry," I assured her, "I heard. Truly tragic what happened to Peoria. And I do remember what it was like in the old days, too."
Artemis didn't look completely convinced, but her eyebrow relaxed back down to her base level of skepticism (approximately DEFCON 3). "Good. I suppose the fox is legendary enough that even you paid attention to it."
"Hey, I pay attention to monsters and stuff!" I cried defensively. "But I'm a busy guy! I don't have time to memorize every evil Greek creature that ever existed. Just because I confused gorgons and dracaenae one time—"
"They could not be more different!"
"They're both snake ladies!"
Artemis tilted her head in acknowledgement. "I suppose you have a point. At any rate, my Hunters and I mean to dispatch the fox today. Is that acceptable given your oh-so-busy schedule?" The glimmer of a teasing smile crossed her face.
"Oh, I really couldn't say. Let me check my calendar. I'll see if I can squeeze you in." I summoned my phone and made a show of scrolling through my calendar app. "Hmm, it'll be tight…I'd hate to have to reschedule that lunch date with Lil Nas X. How many more cities do you think TF will be able to destroy by next Monday? Probably not too many, right?"
"Apollo," Artemis said warningly. That was her patented You've Worn Out The Joke voice. I only heard it, oh, every week or so. As if any of my jokes could be of a low enough quality to "wear out" like some common shoe. But I digress.
"Oh, all right," I sighed. "I suppose for my dearest sister, I can make a few sacrifices. I'll clear today's schedule."
"Thank you," Artemis said grudgingly. "I think."
"You are so welcome. But really, Artemis, I'm glad to help. I enjoy spending time with my little sis."
"Big sister," Artemis interjected. Apparently she'd decided to care about that particular point of contention today after all.
"I mean, of the two of us, who is currently a twelve-year-old?"
Artemis decided to showcase her maturity by kicking me in the shin. Fortunately, thanks to her weak little prepubescent legs, it felt like no more than a gentle caress. I backed out of kicking range, though, just in case she decided to escalate things by changing into a teenage form like me, or perhaps a giant boar.
"I appreciate you proving my point," I told Artemis, only smirking a little. "But anyway, as I was saying, this should be fun!"
Oh, reader. How foolish I was. How terribly naive. Never, ever tempt the Fates as I did. You'll find out soon enough the consequences of such reckless optimism.
When Artemis and I appeared at the outskirts of the Hunters’ current camp, somewhere in the forests of the Rocky Mountains, I didn’t receive quite the heroic welcome I had been hoping for. Given that I had just been prophesied to help them defeat the monster they’d been chasing across the country unsuccessfully for months now, I would have thought maybe they’d appreciate my presence at least a little. But instead, all I got were a few irritable glares. I was reminded of the last time I’d gotten such a frosty reception from a girl group, after politely suggesting to Fifth Harmony that their song choruses might benefit from a bit more variety in word choice. Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well.
Maybe in this case of these girls, I still hadn’t been forgiven for all the flirting I’d done in the past, even after sending the Hunters the most expensive edible arrangement on the market. I’d even attached what I thought was quite an eloquent and mature apology message: “I am sorry for flirting with all of you all of the time. Even if I never meant it to be serious, you did not appreciate it, and therefore I should have stopped. Please accept this humble token of my apologies. I hope you like pineapple. Sincerely, Apollo.” Perhaps the girls glaring at me now were allergic to pineapple and had found the edible arrangement insulting. Oh gods, how had I forgotten about the possibility of food allergies? I needed my medicine god card revoked.
Thankfully, I did still have a few friends in my sister’s Hunters, despite my recent fruit art faux pas. Thalia and Reyna, who had been talking outside of one of the silvery tents set up around the camp, actually greeted me with smiles. They both looked a little banged up, presumably from foxhunting. Thalia’s black leather jacket had a few tears in it that I was mostly sure weren’t there for fashion purposes, and Reyna’s armor was splattered with what I think was mud. At least they both appeared to be in good spirits, and not totally irritated by my existence.
“Long time no see!” I said cheerfully as I approached. Artemis seemed to have already vanished somewhere deeper into the camp, but I didn’t mind. Surely she would let me know when and how I was needed. Besides, I actually appreciated the chance to catch up with Thalia and Reyna without my sister breathing down my neck.
“Hi, Apollo,” Reyna said.
“Good to see you,” Thalia added. Then her eyes narrowed, and she scrutinized me. “Wait a sec, did you make yourself hotter?”
“Gross, Thalia, he’s your brother,” Reyna teased, elbowing her in the side.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Thalia protested, jabbing her own elbow back at Reyna. “I’m just saying there’s no way Lester had that jawline when we saw you at the Waystation last time.”
“I think your vision might be impaired again, Thalia,” I told her sagely. “Lester has always looked like this. Maybe you should get your eyes checked! I believe Asclepius is the primary care physician for the insurance plan Artemis has you all on, but I can give you a quick eye exam pro bono.”
Thalia rolled her possibly deteriorating eyes. “I’m good.”
“If you’re sure,” I said, shaking my head in mock medicinal disappointment.
“Oh, I’m sure,” Thalia said resolutely.
(Okay, fine, so maybe I had aged my Lester form up a few years and given him a makeover. Was that such a crime? Discrimination against us attractive people is just so rampant these days.)
I sighed in defeat. “Well, then, I suppose you could fill me in on the foxhunt and this prophecy I’m apparently part of instead. Artemis was a bit light on the details.”
“All right,” Thalia began, “from what I understand, after we stopped at the Waystation last, Leo mentioned our TF-related troubles to Nico, who told Will, and apparently the word got around your cabin at camp and Jerry decided to do a tarot reading to try to figure out how we could defeat the little bastard. I’m kind of rusty on my tarot cards, but I think Jerry said the first one was the Sun, and then the Moon, and then, uh…”
“The Three of Pentacles, I'm pretty sure,” Reyna supplied. “I’m guessing you’re familiar, but Jerry said that one meant teamwork and collaboration. And of course, the Sun is you and the Moon is Artemis.” Not exactly the traditional meanings of those cards, but within the context of the question Jerry had asked, it made more sense than anything else.
“Yep,” Thalia agreed. “So I guess in a way, the tarot reading was also kinda light on the details, other than you needing to be here and work together with Artemis. Which, thanks for being here, by the way. TF has been kicking our behinds lately, as you can see.” She gestured across her ripped leather jacket and towards Reyna’s muddy armor with a wry smile.
“I’m happy to help,” I said. “Although, does this mean I’m meant to be helping Artemis come up with an attack plan? I’m not sure where she disappeared off to.” I craned my neck towards the center of the Hunters’ camp, but couldn’t spot my sister in the sea of other twelve-year-old girls in silver and gray hunting attire. They really committed to the aesthetic, these Hunters. I could see why Thalia was always wearing her “I’m not like other girls” leather jacket to stand out.
“I, uh, think she already has a plan,” Reyna said, with a peculiar hitch in her voice like she was attempting to hold back laughter. Well, that wasn’t at all ominous.
“...What is this plan, exactly?” I asked, trying not to sound too suspicious, in case it was simply some kind of misunderstanding.
“Oh, I think it’s better if Artemis tells you herself,” Thalia advised, now also looking like she was millimeters from dissolving into uncharacteristic giggles.
Clearly something was going on with that plan, but despite further cajoling, Reyna and Thalia refused to tell me anything more.
“With friends like these, who needs enemies?” I said at last, perhaps slightly more dramatic than strictly necessary.
The two young women collapsed onto each other, laughing like howler monkeys, and rudely ignored the question.
“Awful. You two are just awful,” I reiterated. “I could be chatting with Lil Nas X right now, and instead I’m stuck here with you two eternally teenage hooligans.”
“Love—you too—Apollo,” Thalia managed to get out.
Behind me, someone cleared their throat firmly.
Thalia and Reyna straightened up, schooling their faces back to neutrality with what was clearly a Herculean level of effort. (As someone who was around when Hercules was going through all those labors of his, I can personally attest to the fact that my two friends were absolutely putting an equivalent level of exertion into not laughing.)
“Lady Artemis,” Thalia said with a respectful dip of her head. “We were just, uh, filling Apollo in on the tarot prophecy and such. We thought you might want to inform him of the plan to capture the fox yourself, though.”
I turned around just in time to see Artemis raise her eyebrows much more haughtily than any preteen had a right to. “Oh, you did, did you?”
“Yep,” Thalia said, smiling beautifically.
“Very well,” Artemis said, her eyebrows falling and her eyes twinkling mischievously as she met Thalia’s gaze. “I suppose it does make sense for me to explain my own idea.” Wait a second, why were my sister’s eyes twinking? That was never, ever a good sign. The last time I’d seen that particular expression on her face, I’d gotten cozy in my sleeping bag in our shared tent only to experience the extremely disconcerting sensation of something small and furry squirming against my legs. Needless to say, I now made a habit of carefully inspecting my bedding for squirrels and other miscellaneous woodland creatures before settling in for the night, especially when I was camping with Artemis.
So, already I had a bad feeling about this plan of hers, which was not at all assuaged as my sister gave her spiel. Oh, it started off innocent enough, as if in an attempt to get my guard lowered. Artemis explained that the Teumessian Fox was currently hiding out somewhere in these woods. She and her Hunters were going to try a new trapping technique involving a large pit they’d dug about a quarter mile from here, camouflaged by a covering of leaves and branches. Once the fox fell into the pit, the Hunters would surround the edges of it to make sure the beast couldn’t escape, and Artemis would dispatch it with her bow.
Simple, right? Except for one problem: how would the fox actually get into the pit?
“Unfortunately, he is far too wise to be drawn in by food placed at the bottom,” Artemis said. “But if we are able to distract him enough, with perhaps his favorite kind of prey, we may have a chance to catch him off guard. That is where you come in, Brother.”
“Oh, joy,” I said, already dreading whatever the next words out of her mouth would be. Between my knowledge that my sister was up to no good, and my prophecy Spidey-sense flooding me with the absolute worst vibes imaginable, it was taking all my willpower not to flee. Only the fact that I still owed Artemis for saving my life at Camp Jupiter and the knowledge that I would be disappointing my friends kept me tethered here, like my situationally appropriate hiking boots had been encased in blocks of cement.
“You will be the distraction. All you must do is find the fox and lead it on a merry chase straight to the pit. But as I said, the beast will not be so tempted by a human form. You’ll need to transform into its favorite food: a chicken.”