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Contrary to popular belief, Gavin doesn’t have commitment issues. In fact, he’s the complete opposite, really. He’s so ready to find that perfect person he wants to spend the rest of his life with that he just throws himself into every relationship without thinking it through, a quirk of his which is absolutely the real problem. If anyone shows any interest in dating him at all, he subconsciously forces himself to like them back just because he really, really wants to find his true love. He doesn’t like to say that he’s desperate, though, because he’s not, he’s just… Well, he’s just desperate.
Unfortunately, what usually ends up happening in these situations is that he finally stops fooling himself a few weeks into the relationship and then breaks it off once he realizes his true feelings. Then he wallows in self-pity for a bit, gets over it, and the whole cycle starts again the next time he comes across someone who’s interested in him… Which, in all honesty, sort of happens a lot.
So the relationships are quick and they happen quite often and maybe that’s why people think he has commitment issues, but he really doesn’t. He isn’t ending things because he’s scared to love someone, he’s ending things because he wants to love someone a little bit too much.
Which is why, looking at his track record, it’s unsurprising that he’s nervous when he starts dating Ryan, because Ryan is very, very, very lovely and Gavin likes him a lot and he really doesn’t want this to end up like all of his past attempts at dating. Not only does he like Ryan a lot, but they also work together, so, if nothing else, breaking up would probably make things all tense and weird in the office. And he doesn’t want that.
But then a week passes, and then a month, and then another month, and Gavin realizes that the spark between them isn’t fizzing out or dying down. Actually, it’s gotten a lot bigger, a lot brighter, and a lot more intense, more like a fire that licks at his insides and spreads warmth from the tips of his toes all the way up to the very top of his head. It relaxes him, settles him down, while at the same time pumping him up with so much energy and happiness that he feels like he’s going to explode.
Basically what he’s saying is that Ryan is the real deal here.
Which is why he wants to tell the world. If soulmates exist (which he thinks they must because otherwise how could you explain his friendships with Dan and Geoff and Michael?), then Ryan is absolutely his and he wants everyone to know it. Gavin doesn’t care if it’s cliche, he just wants to go climb onto the roof of the tallest building in Austin and yell about it until his throat is sore and his voice is hoarse, and then he wants to yell about it some more.
It may only be a few months into their relationship, but he seriously thinks he’s in love with Ryan. He wants to move in and maybe get married some day and get all old and wrinkly and gross together and he wants to commit to Ryan, damnit. He wants that.
So no, Gavin Free isn’t afraid of commitment.
But, surprisingly enough, Ryan Haywood is.
Which is okay. Really, it is. Gavin wants to hold hands when they go out to lunch, but Ryan doesn’t, and so they don’t. Gavin wants to steal a kiss or two or twenty at work, but Ryan doesn’t, and so they don’t. Gavin wants to tell everyone about them, but Ryan doesn’t, and so they don’t.
Instead, Gavin settles for the looks they share during work hours, and that one smile of Ryan’s that makes him feel like he’s fifteen and experiencing his first boyfriend all over again. He settles for playful, easy banter and their arms brushing if he stands close enough during Versus or Go! or AHWU. He settles for the nights and sometimes even weekends he’ll spend at Ryan’s house, though he has to wait about three months before he can even settle for that.
But it’s all okay. Gavin is fine with pretending he’s single and only kissing Ryan when they’re at his house, alone and hidden from everyone else. He’s good at keeping secrets and he’ll keep this one until Ryan is ready and then everything will be even better.
(Actually, they aren’t really that good at hiding it. As much as Ryan wants to keep it on the downlow, they still walk in together on the occasional Monday morning and he still wears Ryan’s sweatshirts and uses his shampoo and body wash and after shave and they still give each other those dumb little looks and grins that probably everyone notices, but hey. Apparently everyone’s pretty damn oblivious, because they never actually do.)
Except it’s been six months now and still Geoff and Griffon are the only ones who know, and that only happened on accident, anyway, because when you’re living with people, it’s hard to hide the fact that you spend entire weekends at a guy’s house more often than you don’t. But whatever, that isn’t the point. The point is that Gavin spends almost the entirety of their sixth month anniversary still pretending that they aren’t dating, and while Ryan cooks him a really, really nice dinner and gets him a really, really nice gift, they still spend the night at Ryan’s house instead of, oh, Gavin doesn’t know, going out, maybe. And it’s not that Ryan isn’t a romantic guy or anything, either, because he buys Gavin flowers and cooks him breakfast in bed and they totally make love more than they fuck, so it’s not that he just didn’t think about going somewhere or anything. It’s really just that he doesn’t want to take Gavin out because he doesn’t want to risk it.
And Christ, how long does someone really need to get comfortable with a relationship? Two months is fine, because it had taken Gavin that long to get over his own issues, and four months he understands, because maybe Ryan had been in a really messed up relationship before or something, but six months? Six months and they can’t even go out for their anniversary?
It’s frustrating to no end and, even more than that, it hurts. A lot. He just doesn’t understand why Ryan is so insistent that no one knows about them… But, in the end, Gavin doesn’t want to make Ryan uncomfortable, so he just keeps quiet about it and tries to be patient.
It’s only a few weeks later, however, that his patience runs out and he confronts his boyfriend about what’s been bothering him. And it doesn’t go well.
There ends up being a lot of screaming and a lot of swearing, neither of which either of them really do that often. Gavin doesn’t remember ever seeing Ryan look so angry before, and he doesn’t remember ever feeling so angry before, but he supposes, idly, that there’s a first time for everything.
(“Six months, Ryan Haywood! Six damn months, and we can’t even go to a stupid little diner or something!”
“I cooked you dinner! I even made your favorite! I thought you like when I do that.”
“I do, but not when it’s the only thing we ever do! Our anniversary is supposed to be special, you dumb idiot, it’s supposed to be different! We’re supposed to go out and hold hands and kiss in public for once because it’s our damn sixth month anniversary and not just a regular Saturday night!”
“Jesus, Gavin, is it seriously not good enough to just spend time with me?”
“Oh, don’t you dare try to guilt me right now, Ryan, you aren’t--”
“I’m not trying to guilt you!” A pause, a few deep breaths, and then, “I mean it. What is with you and wanting to go out all the time? Why isn’t it good enough for you to just be here with me?”
“Because it’s been good enough, you damn lunatic! For sixth months, it’s been good enough!” He’s flailing his arms. “And don’t you pretend like I’m the one with the problem here, either.”
“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Think about it, just think about it! Whenever we see each other outside of work, we’re here, and whenever I can actually get you to do something else, we’re out there acting like friends instead of bloody boyfriends because you’re--because you’re--...”
After a beat. “Because I’m what, Gavin?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know what you are, and that’s the worst part, Ryan, so you tell me! What are you?” He counts to three in his head. No answer. “Are you scared? Are you scared of people trying to start something? There are gay people all over Austin, no one’s gonna come beat us up just because we made out in the back of a movie theater. No one’s even gonna notice!”
“I’m not scared of people beating us up. That’s not what this is even about.”
“So what is it?! What are you scared of?” Another pause. “You know Geoff and Griffon know about us, right? They took it fine. They’re happy for us, even. And that’s how everyone else is going to be, too!”
Quickly. “Gavin, goddamnit, shut up! Just shut up! This isn’t about me being scared, alright?”
“Bullcrap it isn’t, Ryan. Bull-fucking-shit. I’m sick of you and your mingin’ pride issues, or whatever the hell this is. Either you’re afraid of something or you don’t have any damn feelings for me, so which is it?”
“Stop putting words in my mouth! It isn’t either of those things, so just drop the subject!”
“Then what the fuck is it? What the fuck could possibly be wrong? What, are you--are you ashamed of me, Ryan? Is that it?!”
“I don’t know, Gavin, what if I am?!”)
Ryan regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, because suddenly Gavin’s gone all wide-eyed and silent and no, no, no, he doesn’t want this. He only said it because he wants to hurt Gavin, which, okay, that’s a fucking awful reason in hindsight, but the point is that he’s just angry and he doesn’t really mean it. He isn’t ashamed of Gavin, he couldn’t ever be ashamed of sweet, silly, gorgeous Gavin, not when he loves him so much. And wow, okay, he hasn’t said it before but suddenly it hits him that yes, yes, he does love Gavin, he loves Gavin with all his heart, and he needs to say it now. He needs to say it now because Gavin’s face is crumpling and there are honest-to-God tears in those pretty eyes that, supposedly, haven’t cried in years and Ryan is the one who put them there.
Ryan put them there and he knows what he needs to say to make them go away, to make everything alright again, but all he manages is a choked, pitiful sound as Gavin steps back. It must be that the universe hates him, because it’s like he’s frozen in place, he can’t move, he can’t get Gavin’s name out, can’t even form the word ‘no’ until Gavin’s out the door and gone.
It occurs to him later that he doesn’t even know how Gavin got home, just remembers vaguely that it had been raining when Gavin left, and suddenly he’s emptying his stomach into the toilet as the image of his boyfriend flattened on the road somewhere because Ryan’s a fucking douchebag burns itself into his retinas.
He sleeps a lot that weekend.
The following Monday sucks. Gavin doesn’t even look at him the entire morning, probably speaks to him twice throughout the whole Let’s Play they film. Team Nice Dynamite is in full effect. Every smile and laugh of Gavin’s is tense and forced, and Ryan didn’t know it was possible for Gavin Free to be as quiet as he is. Ryan’s head starts to pound. He wants to cry, but he doesn’t.
Tuesday is worse. Unsurprisingly, Gavin still isn’t speaking to him. They film AHWU and it’s exceptionally boring and flat. At lunch, Geoff and Gavin go out to eat, and Ryan swears Gavin’s eyes are puffy when they get back, but he can’t ask about it. Near the end of the day, Ryan is scrolling through Reddit while a video renders, spots a picture he knows Gavin would find funny, and turns about halfway towards the other side of the room before he remembers. The back of his throat burns. He wants to cry, but he doesn’t.
Wednesday is the worst of all. It’s time to film the Verses, Ryan against Ray, and Gavin just flat out leaves until filming is over. Ryan makes him tea the way he likes it and sets it on his desk while he’s editing, then silently takes his seat again. Five minutes later, Michael gets up to go grab a Coke from the kitchen and Gavin asks him to bring back a mug of tea for him. When lunch rolls around, Ryan excuses himself and goes out to eat. On the drive home, he thinks about Gavin’s skin warmed from sleeping and his lips after they’ve been kissed and his leg jiggling when he’s anxious. Ryan accidentally leaves crescents in the steering wheel from his nails. He wants to cry, and so he does.
Thursday is slightly more bearable, but slightly less bearable at the same time. Gavin is at home. Geoff says he has the flu or something and not one of them believes it. There’s a lot of alcohol in the office, and Ryan badly wants to take advantage of that for the first time in a long time, but he holds back. Just barely.
Friday is about the same as Thursday. Gavin doesn’t come in again, apparently still sick, and there’s a pit in Ryan’s stomach the entire day. He reads the comments on their latest videos. They aren’t good. Anything filmed this week is shit, really, so he doesn’t know what else he expected. He wonders if Gavin’s been watching any of the videos while he’s at home, or maybe if he’s been thinking about Ryan at all. Probably not, he decides regarding the latter, and if he is, it’s probably all bad.
Except Friday is also a little different because Geoff says he wants to talk to him an hour or so before they usually all head home, so… You know. They talk. It’s pretty educational.
Geoff is, understandably, furious, but it still surprises Ryan because he’s been so good at keeping it in check around everyone else so far. “He’s a goddamn wreck and it’s your fault, Haywood, so you need to fix it.”
“Geoff, I fucked up really bad. I doubt he even wants to see me right now. He probably hates me,” Ryan’s been thinking it the entire week, but he hasn’t actually said the words aloud yet, and doing so now makes him think about throwing up again, “Did you see him around me this week?”
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me, asshole. You hurt Gavin,” the words sting, but fuck, are they true, “And now he refuses to get out of bed unless it’s to piss because the kid’s so fucking in love with you that it’s, like, killing him or something. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to understand what he’s got going on upstairs, but that isn’t the point. Did you hear what I just said five seconds ago? Gavin is in love with you, you’re all he’s been talking about for the past year, and you’re the only person who can make him stop hurting so bad. He wants to see you, trust me.”
He swallows, shifts from one foot to the other. “Geoff, I--…”
“Ryan, I want you to follow me home today, and then you’re going to go talk to him. Understand?”
Ryan pauses, hesitates slightly, but then gives in, “Yeah. Yes. I understand.”
“Good.”
And that’s it.
Later, he finds himself inside Gavin’s little house out in Geoff’s backyard, the key Gavin had given him months before nestled in his pocket.
Gavin is, like expected, in bed, curled up under the covers with dark circles under his eyes and a scruffy little beard and one of Ryan’s t-shirts hanging off his scrawny frame. He’s gorgeous, even like this, especially like this, but he’s also upset when he sits up, looking as if he’s trying to be angry but mostly is just sad.
“Ryan,” Gavin ends it there, arms crossed over his chest and eyes narrowed.
It’s curt, dismissive, but Ryan doesn’t let it deter him. Geoff’s words ring through his head, Gavin is in love with you, and he knows that he has to fight to win him back or else he’ll lose him, “I’m sorry, Gavin.”
“You can’t just--You can’t just come in and apologize and think I’ll come running back into your arms, you damn prick,” Gavin’s voice cracks part way through it and Ryan’s heart drops in response because seriously, he did that to him and it sucks.
“I don’t expect you to. That’s not what this is,” Ryan wants to get closer, to wrap up Gavin in his arms and make things better, but he doesn’t even allow himself to take a step towards the bed, “I just want to say this because it’s important. I’m sorry.”
Unfortunately, Gavin doesn’t want to hear it, and he burrows back under the duvet, turning his back to Ryan, “I don’t care, Ryan. Go away.”
“No,” it’s a risky move, but what else can he do? “Seriously, Gavin, I’m sorry. I fucked up and I said shit I didn’t mean and I hurt you, which is the opposite of what I’m supposed to do. I need you to know I’m so, so sorry.”
The blankets are shoved back down the bed as Gavin sits up, and Ryan would probably feel dizzy from how often he’s changing position if Gavin didn’t look positively furious, “You aren’t sorry! You’re ashamed of me, Ryan, you told me! You don’t wanna be with me, you don’t want me! You never even wanted anyone to know we were together because I’m--because I’m stupid and clumsy and an idiot and I’m not good enough to be with you and--”
“I love you!” Ryan doesn’t know where it comes from, but after dropping the ball so epically last time, and after admitting to himself he doesn’t have any idea how else to fix this, it seems like the right thing to say. It’s true, anyway, whether its right or not, and Gavin deserves to finally hear it. He deserves much more than that, really, but it’s the most he can do at the moment. Besides, he really doesn’t know what else to do, and they haven’t been talking long, but this tension and anxiety and unpleasant pressure in his chest has been going on for a week and he just wants things to be okay again.
Gavin, for the most part, has gone silent, cheeks flushed and breathing a bit heavy from yelling like he had. His eyes are big as he stares at Ryan and, after a few tense, long seconds, he speaks, “What?”
“I love you, Gavin,” whatever had been holding him back before, fear or respect or something else entirely, disappears after that, and he slowly closes the distance between them until he’s crouched beside the bed looking right into Gavin’s eyes, “I’m in love with you and I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it before all this. You were right, I’m afraid. My parents’ relationship was messed up and all the relationships I’ve ever been in have ended badly and I have weird self confidence issues and I just… I was afraid to love you, even though you’re the best thing that’s happened to me, and I’m sorry about that. It isn’t you, okay? It’s never been you. It’s my own issues that I let affect you when I shouldn’t have.” He reaches out then, tentatively sets his hand palm up on the bed near Gavin’s, “You deserve more than what I’ve been giving you and I promise that if you just--if you give me another chance and maybe, you know, give me a little help, I’ll do everything I can to be what you deserve. You’re my best friend. I… I love you.”
That’s what does it.
Within seconds, Gavin has bypassed Ryan’s hand entirely in favor of launching himself at him and the two of them end up on the floor in a pile. It’s something Ryan would normally complain about, because he isn’t old but he is kinda getting older and his back sucks a little bit, but when he’s got an armful of happy Brit chittering excitedly in his ear and nuzzling their cheeks together and pressing warm kisses to his lips, he doesn’t really care as much.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear that, Ryan! Forever, probably… Ages, at least,” Gavin laughs his Ryan laugh, all sweet and soft and crinkly eyes, and grabs both of Ryan’s stubbly cheeks to pull him into their fifth kiss, then their sixth, then their seventh and eighth and ninth, “I love you, too.”
“This is my second chance, then?” Ryan knows it is, but he justs wants to hear it, anyway.
“Yes, you little sausage, this is your second chance.”
The words, giggly and breathless, make Ryan pull Gavin back in and smile against his lips, “Good. Otherwise, I would’ve had to kidnap you and lock you in my basement or something.”
“You creep!” Gavin’s laughing as he rolls off Ryan’s body, settling on his side on the floor next to him, “You’re a murderer.”
“Eh, well, you know,” Ryan props himself up on his hands and smiles down at Gavin.
The two of them make eye contact for a long time, just staring and smiling like idiots, before Gavin shifts to lay his head in Ryan’s lap, “You look like crap, lovely Ryan.”
Ryan reaches down, brushes a hand through Gavin’s messy hair, and then pokes him in the stomach, “You seen a mirror lately, dude? You don’t exactly look like Prince Charming, either.”
Gavin flat out giggles, “Eh, well, you know.”
That night, they head back to Ryan’s house for the weekend and, by the time Monday rolls around, everything is back to normal.
Except, well, not really. They talk about it Sunday morning while laying in bed, enjoying slow, sleepy movements and rumbling morning-voices and miles of skin laid out on sunny sheets before a week of getting up for work, and decide Monday is the day. Monday is the day they will tell the boys, then the rest of the Achievement Hunter crew, then the rest of the company, and so, while Ryan and even Gavin are both a bit nervous, they don’t hold back with the affection anymore.
Gavin hangs off of Ryan pretty much all day, and they joke and banter and laugh and wrestle just like before. Geoff complains about how handsy Gavin seems to be in the Versus episode they film and, later, the two even go off to lunch alone together, which they rarely did before to avoid anyone getting suspicious. There’s slight tension in the morning just because everyone else is damn confused about the sudden 180 between them, but mostly, the office is even more cheerful than usual. Gavin’s energy in particular is usually pretty contagious, but seeing Ryan so smiley and excited gets the rest of them hyped, too.
They wait until the end of the day to say anything, though, half because they’re both a little nervous and half because Gavin thinks it’s funny how confused their coworkers are. Eventually, though, it happens.
When Ray and Geoff, the first two done with their work for the day, begin to pack up, Gavin stands from his chair and meets Ryan’s gaze. Now.
Despite himself, Ryan offers a slight frown, still more worried than he would like to admit. Now?
The look he receives back is pleading and Ryan knows this is important, there’s no more putting it off. Strangely, though he’s nervous, he realizes he doesn’t really want to put it off anymore. So he gets up, meets Gavin in the middle of the room, and, together, they turn towards the rest of the guys.
There’s a moment of weirdness, throat clearing and shuffling and stuttering and pointed looks between them because suddenly neither really knows how to say it, before Gavin just goes for it.
“Oh, bloody--just c’mere,” Gavin takes Ryan by the front of the shirt and kisses him, resting his free hand on the side of Ryan’s neck when he feels large, warm hands cupping his cheeks and lips pressing back against his own. Though it’s still silent, it’s great, perfect, even. He already feels ten times better, being able to openly kiss his boyfriend in front of the others, and where he had previously felt worried and nervous about their reactions, he doesn’t care as much anymore.
All that matters is he has Ryan here, against him, and they’re happy and together and in love, so fuck whoever isn’t okay with it.
Thankfully, though, because Ryan is all that matters just then but he would still like to keep his friends, things turns out alright. Michael cracks a joke and the two of them break apart with grins, and that’s it. The usual banter picks up, casual and friendly and accepting, and Gavin is so genuinely happy that he can’t help but bounce on his toes a bit. Good. Good, good, good. His best friends finally know and he doesn’t have to hide anymore and they can finally, finally stop acting like people who they aren’t because everyone knows!
Christ, it feels good.
Ryan leans down then, kisses the corner of his mouth, and the boys and their laughter and jokes about Freewood are easily tuned out as Gavin slots his hand into Ryan’s, “Wasn’t so bad, was it?”
They’re smiling, both of them, Gavin with his Ryan smile and Ryan with his Gavin smile, and the older’s heart flutters. He thinks about the past seven months, about first asking Gavin out for coffee, about the first time their lips met, about Gavin all pliant and warm and cuddly after the first time they made love, about falling asleep and waking up to that smile, about all the cupcakes and cookies they made together and all the video games they played with Gavin in his lap and all the little smiles and quirks and giggles and happiness. He thinks about how Gavin is the first person he’s ever said ‘I love you’ to and meant it. He thinks about nothing has ever felt more right than standing there with their hands clasped between them.
He smiles, squeezes the hand in his, and leans his forehead against Gavin’s, “No, I guess it wasn’t.”