Chapter Text
There were some things Steven had missed about the house.
As odd as it sounded, the scent was what he'd missed the most. He couldn't really explain it; it was just familiar, and gentle, and kind and welcoming and home, even though it wasn't home. Even though it hadn't been his home or felt like his home in a long, long time. Maria would tell him that it used to be, and that it was okay to hang on to those feelings, but Steven wasn't sure.
It was kind of bittersweet to be standing in the middle of his old house, feeling these things, because it wasn't exactly a feeling that he'd been missing completely. No, he got this feeling around Aster, around his father. He got this feeling in his bedroom, sprawled out across his bed with Lion next to him while he watched Hope swim around her bowl. He got this feeling whenever he went to visit his friends in the facility, when he walked around Beach City with his brother, when he spent time with the Cool Kids and Sadie and Peedee. He got this feeling when he settled down beside Jasper on the couch for another round of Mario Kart, or when they laughed together as they destroyed Greg and Aster in Monopoly or Mario Party. He got this feeling when he wrapped his arms around Connie after a long day and kissed her on the cheek. He got this feeling when Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis came over after their shifts at Little Homeworld ended, watching Lapis and Jasper bicker playfully while Peridot showed Aster a new device or invention or Meep Morp and Bismuth joined Steven on the couch just to watch.
A smile spread across his face despite himself, shaking his head fondly as he brushed a hand through Lion's mane. He didn't think he'd be able to stand here, in this house, and feel that, too. It was beautifully complex in all the right ways. The house, he supposed, had done nothing wrong. He had nothing against it. He grew up within these four walls, and despite all the destruction and all the changes it had gone through, the house in itself remained the same. It wasn't where he took his first steps, or where he learned to talk, but… he had good memories.
It was where he first learned to summon his shield. Outside, right on the beach, was where he met Connie. It was where he befriended Peridot, and Bismuth - it was where he found the mirror Lapis was trapped in. Steven tilted his head back and sighed, turning to flip the light on silently.
There were good and bad memories; Steven dismissed them all entirely.
He wasn't here for that.
The truth was, anxiety had twisted like a knot in his stomach, and he couldn't seem to tug it loose. He was alone, and he was fine, and he knew that. But that warp pad would activate eventually and the gems would be there, and Steven hadn't seen them in… so long. It wasn't the longest he'd gone without seeing them - yeah, they visited often during those two years he lived on Homeworld, but there were times he'd gone months without seeing them at all. They were all just so busy; Steven had colonies upon colonies to dismantle, an entire dictatorship to take apart piece by piece, and the gems had Little Homeworld and all the corrupted gems back on Earth. It had gotten to the point where the only time Steven really saw them before he moved back home was strictly for business; healing a corrupted gem, talking things out with some of the more stubborn ones that didn't accept Era-3. And most of that was done over video calling.
The hybrid furrowed his eyebrows, closing his eyes for a moment. Whatever happened today, he reminded himself, whatever happened today, it would not be worse than what he'd already gone through. He could get through this. It wasn't life-threatening, world-ending, it wasn't dangerous. He'd been through so much, faced so much worse and come out on the other side still kicking - whatever happened today would not be the worst thing he went through, period.
He didn't think he was angry enough to… to go off, the way he had before. He had been frantic, frustrated and confused and hurt, but he'd settled down quite a bit since then. The support from all his friends, his family, it was so much more than he had expected, but they'd really pulled through for him and he couldn't be more grateful. Aster especially had helped him the most; he'd been there literally every step of the way, encouraging him. Steven sought to do the same for him during his brother's recovery; Aster needed him now more than ever, and he was more than willing to deliver. He'd learned he didn't always need to be on the frontlines, carrying the weight all by himself. That people didn't always need a helping hand to pull them up and guide them forward; sometimes they just needed a hand to hold while they walked by themselves.
Steven was determined to get through this today on his own, but he knew he always had a hand to hold if he needed it, and that was what kept his panic and anxiety at a low, cautious simmer.
There was still a part of him, a very big part of him, that worried this would… unravel the progress he had made. But his talk with Maria had been an eye-opener; he had made progress, yes, but he didn't feel like he was progressing beyond that. What she had said about closure struck a few chords with him for so many different reasons. Closure was something he'd never really gotten with… a lot of things. He had closure with Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis. He had closure with everything that had gone on with Connie before, the failed proposal and all. He had closure with Greg, with Jasper, with Kevin. There were two things he didn't have closure with.
The gems, and the Diamonds.
This one was the easiest one to face, he mused. He didn't think he'd ever get closure with the Diamonds. They were just… he wouldn't feel comfortable walking away from them completely. Like turning your back on a predator, he wouldn't feel safe. It'd be a constant target on his back, or at least it would feel like one. Being around them was difficult in its own right, but he didn't hate the relationship they had now, if you could call it that. They didn't bother him much, and he hadn't even heard from them at all since his visit to Homeworld. He didn't have to talk to them, even back then, that often, and he rarely ever had to see them - and that was a fine arrangement. He knew they weren't doing anything bad, and he didn't have to be around them. He didn't want closure with them because he knew it was more wishful thinking than anything. Because closure meant leaving them behind completely - it was the only way to get closure, with them - and he couldn't do that, not without constantly feeling like something would happen.
With the gems, he wasn't sure. He was still angry, so angry, but he didn't want to be - and that was why he was here. To see if that anger could settle, even just a little, to give him some relief. He didn't know what closure would mean for him regarding them, but he knew that leaving things the way he had wasn't enough. Maria was right. There was something to be said about unfinished business, and Steven had more unfinished business with the gems than he thought.
Lion yawned suddenly, breaking the hybrid out of his thoughts in an instant, and Steven twisted slightly to see that the pink beast had made his way over to the couch, climbing up and settling down with a soft, content huff. He seemed… happy to be here, almost, Steven mused as he watched the animal. His ears were turned back, tail flicking lazily back and forth; relaxed, calm. He crossed one paw over the other and stretched himself out to take up the entire couch, yawning again and shaking his mane out briefly before resting his head back down with a sigh. Steven wondered if he'd missed the place too, and he seemed to, more than he'd expected.
The hybrid hummed, leaning on his cane and watching his pink companion for a moment longer. Lion was hardly ever tense, he always seemed to be relaxed, calm, ready to fall asleep whenever given the chance - still, some part of Steven was soothed by the pink beast's calm nature and careless attitude. Rolling his shoulders back, he took a breath and let it out slowly, letting his eyes flutter shut and focusing, for a moment, on just letting himself breathe and relax.
Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust.
Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust.
Almost immediately, his gem hummed, buzzing with a familiar warmth, concern spreading through every facet. Steven lowered a hand to his stomach, pausing, almost expecting Aster to appear - instead, his phone chirped a familiar tune; a text message. 'Steven? Are you alright?'
The corners of his lips tugged upwards, shaking his head fondly. 'I'm okay, Azzy.'
'Okay.' A pause, bubbles rising and disappearing and rising once again. 'Do you need me?'
'No, it's okay. They're not even here yet.' Steven turned his head, gazing toward the warp pad for a moment, and he couldn't keep his eyes from straying upwards toward the temple door. His heart stuttered in his chest, some part of him he'd almost forgotten seeming to seize up in alarm - the pink gem on the door was glowing, ever so slightly. It was like an invitation, like Pink herself was calling for him. The longer he stared, the more he felt it, the desire to cross the distance and enter the hated room. Remembering the last time he was in there, the pain and the blood and the fighting and- and her, and… the hybrid sucked in a breath through his teeth, heart pounding, and bit the inside of his cheek, tearing his gaze away from the door with a grimace.
He hadn't thought about it in a while. The pain. The blood. The knife. How wrong it had felt, how good it had felt, how desperate he had been for some kind of distraction, some sort of release. How angry he had been at himself, how much he just wanted to hurt, to hurt and feel just a fraction of the pain he had caused, to suffer and repent for the damage he'd done. For what he did to Jasper, for what he did to Greg, and the van. For all of that anger he just couldn't let go of.
Some dormant part of him almost…
Steven shuddered, shaking his head and diverting his attention back to Lion, digging his nails into his palms. It wasn't so much the urge to hurt himself as it was… the urge to feel it all again. It was strange, and confusing, and frustrating, and Steven couldn't afford to think about it now. That was something he needed to bring up to Maria, behind closed doors and reassured by the fact that whatever he said wouldn't be judged, or dismissed. He didn't want to hurt himself, he hadn't for a long time now - yeah, little flickers of thoughts now and then, but it was more so just the memory of it all, rattling around in his brain. As much as he hated to admit it, it had been…
… intoxicating, that was the word. Fucking intoxicating. Steven huffed, pressing his mouth into his arms and staring at his pink companion silently. Lion flicked his ears, staring back at him.
"I'm okay," the hybrid murmured, more so to himself than anything. "I'm okay."
Lion huffed, blinking back at him, and Steven made his way over to the pink beast, lightly scratching behind his ears. "Maybe this was a bad idea," he commented aloud, biting the inside of his cheek to keep back a sigh. No, he knew… he knew this was for the best. He was just glad he'd decided to bring Lion with him, and almost regretted not taking Aster up on his offer to join. Stars above, he was a mess - but he would be okay. He could be okay, and that was important.
For the most part, once he managed to squeeze his way onto the couch beside Lion, Steven spent his time on his phone. There wasn't much else to do; he wasn't about to venture upstairs or to his garden, and he figured there wasn't much of a point in looking around at anything else. The house was almost exactly the same; it looked like Pearl was at least keeping it tidy for the most part. Steven almost wondered if the gems would even bother coming back, but he dismissed the thought quickly. It was just as much their house as it was his, and Steven didn't think he had been the only thing keeping them here. After all, it also served as the gem temple, and their rooms had a place here just as his did. And still, even as he reassured himself of that over and over, he couldn't shake the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach - though that feeling had already been lingering long before the thought had crossed his mind… maybe the problem was that he couldn't figure out if the thought of them coming back actually reassured him or not.
He wasn't left to wonder too long.
He sat there for maybe an hour or so, trading texts with Aster and playing games on his phone. Lion was content at his side, peacefully snoring away while he slept; Steven occasionally reached back to pet his head, but his eyes remained glued to the phone - mostly so that he didn't get another glimpse of the temple door and have to deal with those feelings rushing back.
The warp pad activated just as he reached 197 in Flappy Bird.
And yeah, the hybrid flinched. He flinched pretty violently at that, fumbling with the phone as he snapped his gaze up to the warp stream, eyes widening. And there was one last prickle of doubt, a rush of panic and fear and confusion and anger flooding through him, until it dropped.
Those feelings, that anger, they dropped right along with it when he got a good look at them, mouth open without a sound as his gaze rested on the gems for the first time in… a month, now.
Steven didn't know what to do with it, the sudden lack of all that rage he'd been carrying around with him. The resentment, the frustration. More so, he didn't know how it had just fizzled away like that. It had felt like such a big flame he was carrying, sparks strong enough to ignite forest fires - and in the end it had been… nothing more than a candle that just got pinched out. The abruptness of it all stilled him, every muscle in his body frozen and tense as he struggled to make sense of what had just happened. The anger wasn't gone, not completely, he didn't think - but it certainly wasn't as strong as he'd thought it to be. Not strong enough to overpower this.
Whatever this was, he didn't know. All he knew was the ache in his chest, longing in his heart.
Fuck, he'd missed them.
None of them moved, or spoke. Amethyst had paused mid-step off the warp pad, one foot hovering in the air as she stared at him; Garnet and Pearl, behind her, hadn't moved an inch. Steven couldn't read Garnet's expression, he never could with her visor - but Pearl looked about five seconds away from a complete breakdown, the back of her hand pressed against her mouth and tears welling up in her eyes, and Amethyst looked about ready to lunge and hug him. This, he'd expected. He'd anticipated their reactions with barely a doubt in his mind, but it was his own reaction he could never have expected, the sudden rush of love and relief and want.
A smile tugged at his lips, bittersweet but genuine, and Amethyst rocked forward at once, jumping down from the warp pad and crossing the distance between them in a few quick strides.
Steven didn't have a chance to grab his cane and get to his feet, but it didn't matter. He leaned down as much as he could as Amethyst reached him, raising his arms quickly so that he could wrap them around the purple gem when she threw her own around him. Her face burrowed into the crook of his neck and shoulder, fingers digging tightly into the back of his shirt as she pulled herself closer to him. Steven rested a hand against her back tentatively, the other on her head.
Damn you, his mind whispered, but not without a flicker of affection. Damn you.
"I missed you," Amethyst breathed, her voice muffled against his shirt. Steven ducked his head, pressing his mouth into her hair silently and taking a moment just to breathe through all the emotions swirling through him, a whirlwind of so many different things he couldn't even begin processing right now. Amethyst pulled back abruptly, detangling herself from his arms and grabbing the front of his shirt tightly in both hands, looking him over. "Are you- shit, are you o-"
"I'm fine," Steven interrupted quietly, and the words didn't feel so bitter on his tongue knowing they were close enough to the truth. He was fine. He was fine. "I missed you, too," he added with only the barest flicker of hesitation, and found himself swallowing hard past the sudden lump forming in his throat, shaking his head as if that could ward it off. "Am- guys, I'm so sor-"
"Don't you dare apologize," Amethyst hissed, and Steven shook at the fury in her voice. The hybrid gazed down at her for a moment in surprise, only to look up when Pearl came forward.
"What she means is-" The pale gem hesitated, still covering her mouth. "You have nothing to…"
"Don't tell me that." Steven hated it, he hated those words. He knew he had a lot to apologize for, and so had they - things they had apologized for, apologies that he'd been too blind to see and too deaf to hear. He didn't want to hear that he had nothing to apologize for, that he'd done nothing wrong. The hybrid leaned back, gently prying himself away from Amethyst only to pull her back into his arm, extending the other toward Pearl, offering her a tentative smile, hesitant and uncertain, but warm all the same. "Just… tell me you forgive me, and come give me a hug."
Relief flashed across the gem's face, the tears in her eyes spilling over as she rushed over to hug him. Steven leaned into her embrace quietly, pressing the side of his face into her shoulder and letting his eyes flick up to look past her, to where Garnet was standing on the warp pad.
He didn't even really have the chance to feel guilty, to second-guess himself, to wonder if she was upset with him over everything that had happened between them - the memory of her pressed against the temple door, a spiked shield in front of him, ready to end it all, was still stuck like glue in his brain - before the fusion came forward. She moved somewhat hesitantly, not afraid but cautious, but she made her way over to them all the same, removing her visor.
Seeing the tears in her eyes hurt a little worse, but it only made him hug her tighter when she knelt down to wrap her arms around him. It didn't take long for him to push himself further into her arms, curling up slightly as he leaned into her embrace. He'd missed them all equally, he'd admit that now - but he'd missed Garnet's hugs, the warmth and the love, unconditional as it is.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, and Garnet pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
"I forgive you." The fusion paused. "I'm sorry, too."
This time, Steven heard it. He took a moment to process it, to truly process it, before he answered firmly, confident and certain that what he was saying was the truth. "I forgive you." He did. He could. He had to, because he couldn't bear to walk away from them now. He couldn't.
"Is this why Lapis sent us back early?" Pearl spoke abruptly, pulling away and taking a seat next to Steven on the couch. The hybrid pulled back from Garnet quickly at that, startled. Lapis hadn't even known - he'd told Greg, Jasper, Aster and Connie and that was it. Unless Jasper had told Lapis when she'd gotten to Little Homeworld… he narrowed his eyes slightly, sighing, but he was snapped out of his thoughts again rather quickly when Pearl suddenly reached out to brush his hair back, carding her fingers through his hair tentatively and offering a soft, warm smile when he looked up at her. "I missed you so much, Steven, I… stars, are you sure you're-"
"I'm okay, I promise," Steven leaned his head into her hand briefly before sitting up straight again, glancing over to watch Amethyst as she climbed up beside him and grabbed his cane.
"The fuck is this?"
"My cane. It's…" Steven waved a hand, hesitating briefly. Every instinct screamed at him to shut up, old impulses rising back to the surface. He fought them down just as quickly, grimacing. It was easier around everyone else, but he was going to learn how to be open with them, too, if he was going to let them back in his life - and if that was what it took to make sure he didn't have to go so long without seeing them again, then so be it. He could stand to be a little more open with them, to learn that their reactions meant as much as everyone else's, and no more than that. "My leg's still a little fucked up," he finally said, shrugging. "The cane makes it easier to walk."
"Oh." Amethyst had frozen, just for a second, looking like a deer in headlights. Steven leaned his head back, regarding her cautiously until the purple gem abruptly ripped her gaze away from the cane to stare up at him, looking startled and somewhat pleased. "Did you just say fuck?"
"You've heard me say fuck before," Steven replied bluntly. "Don't act surprised."
"I've heard you say fuck out of anger, I've never heard you say fuck in a casual sentence." Amethyst grinned, turning the cane around to tap him on the shoulder. "My boy's all grown up."
"Maybe we should invest in a swear jar," Garnet mumbled.
Pearl laughed, rubbing at her eyes, and Steven sat back with a sigh, a content smile tugging at his lips as he pulled his cane away from Amethyst and positioned it between his legs. He needed to get up soon, he reminded himself. His leg was starting to cramp, he needed to get up and move around before it could really get to hurting. He didn't bring any medicine with him. "Uh, I can't stay too long, Dad'll kill me if I don't get back before lunchtime." He hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek. He wanted so badly to invite them over, but he still wasn't sure how they'd react to Aster - or how Aster would react to them. "Eh, maybe he won't mind too much…"
"I mean, I don't think he'd kill you," Amethyst teased, and Steven smirked a little to himself, leaning down to pick his phone back up. "Ah… he did say he was looking for a house, didn't he? We haven't heard much from him since…" She trailed off, and didn't pick back up. "You know."
Steven hummed, staring at his phone for a moment. "Yeah, there's been a few new developments. Jasper's been staying with us, and…" He chuckled. "I've got a brother now."
Pearl blinked. "Beg pardon?"
The hybrid shrugged. "It's a long story."
"Hey." Amethyst leaned over, bumping her shoulder against his gently. "We've got time."
Steven smiled slightly, glancing over at her as he sank back into the couch, and nodded.
"Well…"