Chapter Text
Dr Eleanor Copeland had never worked with a more oblivious client than Evan Buckley.
She had been seeing Evan for about seven months now, and in that time she prided herself on having learnt a great deal about him. He had experienced more than his fair share of trauma, even compared to some of her more memorable clients over the years. Estranged, emotionally distant parents, a sister whose only escape from an abusive marriage was found in killing her husband, a brother who died as a child and whose existence was kept from him until just a month ago...and that was just his family. Evan had also survived a fire truck bombing that could have cost him his leg, a tsunami, and various other natural disasters he’d encountered through his job. It was no small miracle to her that he managed to retain that ready smile and those kind eyes, and an admirable sense of positivity and enthusiasm for life.
These were all things he would have told her about willingly, and they’d discussed them at great length. However, there were some things that Eleanor Copeland knew about Evan Buckley that he was still completely unaware of.
Even via a screen Dr Copeland could tell when there was something on Evan’s mind beyond the topic of their session. So it was obvious from the moment they said their hellos this evening that his mind was elsewhere. He was also dressed differently tonight, his close-fitting maroon sweater and houndstooth jacket the smartest outfit she’d seen him wear yet. So she decided to address it straightaway and see what she could learn from it.
“You look rather dressed up tonight, Evan. I assume that’s not for my benefit. Are you going anywhere special?”
He looked down at his clothes with some confusion.
“Umm, no, I’m going round to Eddie’s.”
Ah. The best friend.
“He’s going on a date, and he asked if I could watch Christopher tonight.”
Interesting.
“And how do you feel about that?”
“What, about babysitting Christopher? I love hanging out with him, he’s a great kid.”
His response was a deflection, pure and simple. The only question was whether he was aware of what he was doing or not. Dr Copeland leaned her head to the side, examining him through the screen.
“No, that’s not what I meant, Evan. I meant about Eddie dating again.”
A flicker of discomfort in his eyes.
“Well it’s been 18 months since Shannon died. I guess he had to move on at some point.”
Dr Copeland weighed her response carefully, trying to be as direct as possible without scaring him into silence.
“You don’t approve?” she asked. Evan looked uncomfortable.
“I don’t know her to be able to approve of her or not. I’m just not sure Eddie’s ready.”
Dr Copeland had heard more about Eddie Diaz than almost anyone else in the time that she had been counselling Evan Buckley. She knew that he was an Army veteran and a single parent, who had moved to Los Angeles with his young son in search of a better life for them both. She knew about his marriage and the tragic way it had ended. She knew the evolution of his friendship with Evan in detail – from the initial clash of heads and bruised egos, to a reconciliation over a grenade in a man’s leg. She knew how much Evan valued the bond he shared with his best friend, how much he depended on Eddie’s steadfast friendship and dependable presence.
For a man who had spent his whole life searching for a family and a place where he belonged, he failed to see that he had already found it in Eddie and Christopher. And now Eddie was dipping his toe back in the dating pool, it was clear that Evan was struggling with the shaking of the foundations that this development presented.
Dr Copeland pondered how best to approach this topic. It was the first time that Evan’s relationship with his parents or sister hadn’t been the top of his list of complaints in a session. Eddie dating again had rattled him on a level that he didn’t even register yet, and not for the first time, Dr Copeland wished that she could decipher Eddie’s feelings without having to view them through Evan’s filter of self-deprecation. Because with every session she became less and less convinced that his feelings for Eddie stopped at purely platonic, but she wasn’t able to gauge Eddie’s feelings for him in return.
“You’re concerned that you might lose the bond you’ve formed with Eddie and Christopher if he enters into a new relationship?”
She was getting closer to the truth of it now, and Evan winced as her words found their mark.
“Well nothing lasts forever, does it?” he muttered, looking away.
“From how you describe Eddie, he doesn’t seem the type of man to abandon his friends,” Dr Copeland remarked, and Evan shook his head.
“No, he’s a good guy, a good friend. He’s loyal to the people he trusts.”
“So why would he treat your friendship any differently?” she asked patiently. Evan’s expression remained sad.
“Everyone moves on and leaves eventually.”
Ah.
Add in deeply-rooted abandonment issues and of course he would see the worst case scenario. She had never met anyone who considered themselves more unlovable, more fundamentally flawed, than Evan Buckley did. And it took all her years of experience to maintain her air of detached professionalism and not tell this young man that he was every bit as worthy of the love he so desperately craved.
“Evan, aside from your parents and your sister, it is clear that the most impactful relationship in your life is with Eddie and Christopher. And it’s perfectly normal to feel concerned that such an important relationship might change when Eddie starts dating again, and to be afraid of losing what you had before.”
He frowned.
“What are you saying, Dr Copeland?”
He truly was oblivious. She made a snap decision.
“I think you would do well to revisit the discussion we had in one of our earlier sessions.”
It wasn’t something she would normally do. Her job was to guide the conversation, but to allow her clients the opportunity to reach moments of realisation by themselves. But this latest development in Eddie’s dating life was causing Evan pain and he wasn’t even aware of it. It wasn’t her place to tell him, but if she could give him a gentle nudge in the right direction, perhaps it might prompt the self-reflection he needed to realise what seemed so obvious to her. Whether or not Eddie returned his feelings, Evan needed to register his so that he could process them and move on.
Dr Eleanor Copeland took a breath and let her words fly free.
“You told me that you thought I might be right when I observed that you hid your true feelings from others. Well I think you might be hiding them from yourself too.”
*
“Buck?” Christopher asked a few hours later, startling him out of recollections of his therapy session.
“Yeah buddy?”
“I have a Buck Question.”
“OK, shoot.”
The Buck Questions were Eddie’s idea. Buck had asked him about it one night once Christopher had gone to bed, sat around the kitchen table with their beers.
“What are ‘Buck Questions’ and why does Christopher suddenly have a list of them?”
Eddie laughed.
“Because sometimes – a lot of the time – he has questions that I just don’t know the answer to, but I know you will. Or I know you’ll enjoy answering them because you and Chris are so similar. So I told him to write them down and ask you the next time he sees you.” He took a swig of his beer. “I can get him to stop if it bothers you.”
“No, don’t. I love it. It’s nice to feel needed.”
Now Chris straightened up on the couch, his expression serious. And for one horrible moment, Buck was sure he was going to ask who Eddie was having dinner with tonight. Eddie didn’t want him to know yet, judging it to be too soon to break it to Christopher that he was dating again, and Buck supported that. But Christopher was smart, and Buck had been forced to dodge the question of who his dad’s friend was more than once tonight. He wouldn’t be able to avoid a direct question, didn’t want to be put in the position of having to choose who deserved his loyalty more, Eddie or Christopher.
“What’s inside a black hole?”
Relieved to have been let off the hook with the easier option of answering one of the greatest mysteries in physics, Buck entered into a debate about the finer points of black holes with great enthusiasm. It was a conversation that sustained them for most of the rest of the evening, right up until Buck had negotiated Christopher into his pyjamas and into bed and stood watching him with folded arms.
“Now you’re sure I can’t read you a story?” he asked, and hid an amused smile as Christopher shook his head firmly.
“I want to wait for Dad.”
“OK, if you’re sure...”
Buck hugged him goodnight, told him to stay in bed until Eddie came home, and went to clean the kitchen while he waited. He took his time with it, but even then Eddie still wasn’t back by the time he had finished. Buck glanced at his watch, frowning. Eddie knew when Christopher’s bedtime was, and had promised he would set an alarm so he’d make it back in time to say goodnight.
Buck had left the lights off in the living room when Christopher went to bed, hoping it would encourage him to stay in bed. Now he made his way to the couch in the dark and sat down, sifting through the therapy session with Dr Copeland and trying not to think about all the reasons Eddie might be late in getting back. Unwelcome images flashed before his eyes: clothes strewn across a bedroom floor, Eddie scrambling to get dressed while Ana watched him possessively from the bed…
Buck grimaced and leaned back against the couch. Why was this bothering him so much? Eddie and Shannon had got back together within a few months of Eddie joining the 118, after working through that weird, on-off friends with benefits thing they had going on for a while.
And y ou didn’t like that either...
It was true that Buck had spent way more time than was perhaps normal talking to anyone who would listen about how weird it was that Eddie was essentially having an affair with his own wife and hiding it all from Christopher. But he was just looking out for his friend, not wanting him to get hurt again.
So what’s your excuse now?
Buck reminded himself what he had told Dr Copeland. It was now 18 months since Shannon’s death died, and Eddie was bound to show any interest in dating again at some point. But keeping it from Christopher, going over to her house already...it all felt a little fast to Buck, and deceitful.
And there was no denying that Dr Copeland had been right. He was afraid that, once Eddie found himself a new girlfriend, the friendship that meant so much to Buck would become entirely one-sided, before fading away altogether.
The sound of the front door opening was a relief, an excuse to get out of his own head for a while. Buck rose and padded through the dark living, emerging into the softly-lit hallway.
“You’re late,” he said, mock-sternly, a smile playing on his lips as he leaned against the wall, examining Eddie for any non-verbal cues on how the evening had played out. He didn’t look dishevelled, as though he’d just thrown his clothes back on. His hair was unruffled and his lips weren’t reddened or swollen from kissing. That had to be a good sign, right?
Hold up.
Was he really paying that much attention to Eddie’s lips? Buck was suddenly grateful for the low lighting, and the fact that Eddie was too preoccupied with removing his jacket to see the flush rising up his neck.
“There was construction on Sunset,” Eddie explained. “Had to take a detour. Christopher already in bed?”
“Oh yeah,” Buck smirked, feeling a little proud of the fact.
“You’re a miracle worker,” Eddie said warmly, rolling up his sleeves with a smile.
“No, just an excellent negotiator,” Buck corrected. “See, he was willing to get ready for bed and get in the bed. I was not allowed to turn the lights off or tell him a story.”
“Well, probably just as well after you told him that little thing about the kid in the rotisserie,” Eddie replied, shooting him a look that was half-amusement, half-exasperation.
“That was not a story, it was a cautionary tale,” Buck defended his decision, trying not to think about the fact that Chris hadn’t slept through the night for a week after that story. Eddie let it go.
“Well, thanks for watching him.”
He turned away, heading for Chris’s room, catching Buck off guard with his quick dismissal. He scrambled for his jacket and hurried after Eddie. As soon as they stepped into Christopher’s earshot, he would lose his only chance to gauge how the date had gone. Eddie kept his cards close to his chest at the best of times, and under Hen and Chim’s merciless teasing, he wouldn’t be forthcoming with the details when they were back at work. But here, in his own home, answering an innocent question from his best friend...Buck hoped that he could get a straight answer out of him.
“Uh, h-h-how was the...the big date?”
The stutter slipped out with the question. He was usually good at keeping it under wraps – it only escaped his lips these days when he was agitated in some way; excited or angry or fearful or nervous. He wasn’t sure which one he was this time.
His instincts had been bang on. Eddie stopped and turned to face him, and answered him directly.
“It was nice,” he admitted, his voice almost a sigh of relief, and smiled to himself. “She taught me Math.”
His expression grew embarrassed, as if he’d said too much, and he backed away and headed for Christopher’s room. End of conversation.
“Math?”
Buck frowned. Was that some sort of code word for sex? It was a new one on him, and he’d not been out of the game as long as Eddie had. The thought made his stomach twist uncomfortably, and he knew he had to get out now and put some distance between them.
“And I thought I’d been single too long,” he muttered as his parting shot, just loud enough that he knew that Eddie would hear him but Christopher wouldn’t pick it up. Then he grabbed his jacket and headed out, glad to feel the cool night air on his skin and have a drive back to his apartment to help him unravel his thoughts.
*
As double dates go, this one had sucked on almost every level.
Once Taylor had stormed out, Buck returned to Veronica’s apartment and tried to salvage the evening. But being a third wheel with his former date and his accidental roommate proved too much to bear alone, so as soon as they had cleared their plates from dinner he made his excuses and fled for the corridor. Albert would surely be staying the night, so he would at least get a few hours to himself in his own apartment.
Or so he thought.
Buck’s heart rate sped up as he spied a small figure hunched on the floor outside his apartment, staring forlornly at the opposite wall.
“Christopher?”
Buck strode the last few steps to his door, dropping to a crouch in front of Christopher, scanning him for injuries. He seemed unhurt, though his eyes were red-rimmed as if he’d been crying, and he didn’t have his crutches with him.
“What are you doing here buddy? Is everything OK?”
Chris shook his head, still staring at the wall, and Buck’s blood ran ice-cold.
“Where’s your dad? Is he OK?”
If something had happened to Eddie...
“He doesn’t know I’m here.”
Relief washed hot through Buck’s veins, and he unclenched the iron fist his hand formed automatically at the thought of Eddie injured somewhere, needing his help. But if Eddie wasn’t here...where was he? And why was Christopher here alone?
“OK. How about you come inside?”
Buck helped Christopher to his feet and unlocked the apartment door.
“So how did you get here, Chris?”
“I used Dad’s phone to call an Uber.”
Buck’s eyes widened, as impressed as he was concerned.
“So he doesn’t know you’re here?” he asked carefully. Chris shook his head, staring at the floor.
“OK, I need to call your dad right now,” Buck said, extracting his phone from his pocket.
“No,” Christopher muttered mutinously.
“Yes,” Buck countered firmly. “I know he’ll be worried sick about you.”
“He won’t even notice I’m gone,” Chris said. “He was too busy talking to her on his laptop.”
Buck hesitated, realisation sinking in.
“OK, how about you take a seat over here,” he guided Chris towards the sofa, “while I ring your dad?”
Chris scowled but didn’t argue, sinking onto the sofa and clicking on the TV as Buck phoned Eddie. After several long rings, he picked up, his voice truly panicked for the first time Buck could remember in two years.
“Buck, you’ve gotta help me, Christopher –”
“Is here,” Buck said calmly, cutting him off before he could talk himself into any further agitation. He kept his voice as reassuring as possible, and heard Eddie let out a shaky breath at the other end of the line. “He used your phone to call an Uber.”
“Alright I’ll be...”
Eddie’s voice cracked with emotion, and he tried again.
“I’ll be over there in a second.”
“What happened?” Buck asked him. Eddie sighed, and Buck heard his footsteps and the jangle of car keys as he prepared to leave the house.
“I told him about Ana. Bobby and Athena said he would figure it out sooner or later, so maybe I should rip off the Band Aid. So I did.”
“And?”
“Turns out the cut underneath hadn’t healed, and blood came gushing out.”
Buck’s eyebrows rose. That was pretty poetic for Eddie. He was almost about to comment, impressed, when the thought occurred to him that this new use of language might have something to do with former English teacher Ana. He snapped his mouth shut again, the sentiment souring on his tongue.
“I see...” he said instead.
“By which I mean he smashed a salad bowl on the floor, told me he was mad at me and stormed off to his room,” Eddie explained. His front front door slammed, and Buck heard his footsteps start off down the driveway. “I was talking to Ana on Zoom, I didn’t realise that he was gone until I ended the call and went to speak to him about his behaviour.”
Buck nodded, even though Eddie couldn’t see him. Now he had the low-down on Chris, he wasn’t keen to prolong the conversation. He needed to process this before Eddie arrived so he didn’t slip up and pass judgement on his dating. It had taken all his self-restraint the past few weeks not to say anything when Ana came up in conversation. Dropping Eddie in it on that nightshift by mentioning Ana’s name in front of Hen and Chimney was the closest he’d come to meddling in their relationship, and look where that had landed him…if he hadn’t said anything, Bobby would never have had that conversation with Eddie encouraging him to get back out there. Eddie would never have called up Ana and invited her to breakfast. And Buck wouldn’t be staring down the very real possibility that his best friend might have found himself a happy ending with the first woman he’d dated since his wife. Someone who, it seemed, was Eddie’s perfect woman made real.
Yeah...it had never been more important to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself.
“OK. Well I guess we’ll see you soon,” Buck said instead, keeping his voice neutral, non-committal.
“Is he OK?” Eddie asked, voice still tinged with worry. Buck heard the truck engine start in the background.
“He’s upset, but he’s not hurt.”
“OK. Thanks Buck.”
With a murmur of assent, Buck ended the call. Now it was time to parent.
He’d never done this before – the benefit of being the best friend was not having to be bad cop or enforce the rules. And he had leaned into that role with enthusiasm, because he adored Christopher and couldn’t imagine ever having to be strict with him or tell him off. But now it seemed the moment had come to step into Eddie’s shoes, because he sure as hell wasn’t doing it tonight.
Buck had always admired Eddie as a father above anything else. Sure, he was a brilliant firefighter, a military hero and his best friend, but he was also an awesome dad. He’d watch Eddie with Christopher and feel a pang of longing...which he always put down to wanting that same bond with his own kids one day. Maybe he’d put Eddie on a bit of a pedestal because of his own upbringing, but he’d never seen anyone so devoted to their kid as Eddie was to Christopher. It was one of the things he loved most about him.
Loved?
A voice that sounded an awful lot like Dr Copeland’s echoed that word in his head, but Buck pushed it aside. Because now? He was mad at Eddie. As Eddie himself had said over a year ago, Christopher wasn’t that fast. Or that quiet. Even without his crutches he couldn’t travel quickly or silently. Yet somehow Eddie had been so wrapped up in Ana Flores that he didn’t notice his son had stolen his phone and called an Uber, snuck out of the house and trekked halfway across town, all because he was too busy making heart eyes at his new girlfriend through a laptop screen. And now the one thing that Buck had always been so certain of, that Eddie was the greatest father he knew, was suddenly in doubt.
But that was a conversation to have with Eddie another time. Right now his priority was Chris. His first priority would always be Chris. And Chris needed to know that, whatever the reason, that didn’t make what he’d done tonight OK either. It was way too dangerous for a kid, any kid, to go travelling by themselves in cabs across the city at night. He needed to know that running away wasn’t the answer, that this sort of behaviour wasn’t on. And what had the Uber driver been thinking agreeing to take a ten year-old kid on a journey alone across town? Just because the account was registered to Eddie and a payment was guaranteed – where was their sense of responsibility? Buck was just grateful that they’d made Chris memorise his address last year after the tsunami, around the same time Eddie programmed his phone number into the Diaz landline so Chris could reach him on speed dial in emergencies. Or for coffee machine pranks that felt like a lifetime ago.
Buck sighed, trying to set all of this aside for when he could process it later. He arched one eyebrow at Christopher as he approached him, trying to keep his face friendly but firm.
“So...I heard about you blowing up at your dad.”
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Christopher said, managing to sound sad and sullen all at once.
“Well,” Buck said, lowering himself onto the coffee table in front of him, “you’re here, so we gotta talk about something.”
Nothing but a wall of silence. In his stubbornness and the refusal to discuss his feelings, Christopher’s resemblance to Eddie had never been stronger. And, for a moment, Buck worried that he couldn’t do this. He wasn’t Christopher’s dad. He was his dad’s best friend. That hardly qualified him for these serious talks. His role was answering Buck Questions and finding fun things for them to do, cooking for them and protecting Christopher from real-world dangers. How could he possibly guard against this?
“Come on,” he said, hearing a pleading note slip into his voice, “you were there for me when I needed to talk. So now I wanna be here for you.”
Buck paused, waiting for Christopher’s reaction. He was almost afraid that he would snap at him, would say something like, “You’re not my dad, you can’t tell me what to do.” Because although he knew he wasn’t Christopher’s father, God knows he loved him enough that he could be. Eddie had told him as much, after the tsunami. And from that day on, Buck had poured all the love and devotion he would show his own child into the way he looked after Christopher. And he knew that one angry outburst from Christopher shooting him down would be the kind of outright rejection that he couldn’t recover from.
So Buck distanced himself before Christopher could do it, and added, “That’s what friends do.”
Finally, Chris huffed out a sigh. Now he just looked sad.
“My dad’s dating.”
And how does that make you feel, Evan?
Buck winced and looked down, frowning, his brows coming together as Dr Copeland’s voice echoed in his head again. A tiny stab of pain needled him at Christopher’s words, and for a moment he wished he weren’t so invested in the Diaz boys, because it would make answering Chris’s statement so much easier. How could he defend something he wasn’t even sure he understood himself? Maybe by talking to Chris the way he would want someone to speak to him?
“Yeah...yeah, that’s gotta be weird for you?”
Because he’d be lying if he said these thoughts didn’t gnaw away at him when he couldn’t sleep at night. If he said that they didn’t weigh heavy on his heart at the thought that he was now expendable, that Eddie was just another person queuing up to leave him.
Eddie’s replaced you. He’s found himself a new woman and now he doesn’t need you. You were just filler, a substitute until he could find the next Mrs Diaz.
Buck took a breath and focused on Christopher, and the one thing he could say with certainty.
“And maybe it feels like he’s forgetting your mom, but Chris, I promise you...”
No one could ever replace Shannon. No matter how happy anyone else made Eddie, he would always carry a part of her with him. And she would always be Christopher’s mother. Nothing could change that, could take her away from him. If he was honest with himself, Buck didn’t think Eddie was really ready to move on from Shannon yet either. He saw the sadness that sometimes drifted across his face when he looked at Christopher, probably seeing a resemblance to his mother. He saw the way Eddie’s expression shut down altogether whenever Shannon’s name was mentioned. Which made this decision to date again, to go all in and neglect Christopher in the process, all the more frustrating and inexplicable.
“I wish I could forget,” Chris said suddenly.
“Uh...what?”
Usually Buck was good at following Christopher’s train of thought, of deciphering what he was thinking even if he didn’t express it that clearly. It was a skill that he shared with only Eddie, Carla and Eddie’s abuela. But they were wading into deep waters now, and Buck had never felt more out of his depth.
“People go away. Not just Mom...abuelita, Carla, my friends...they leave and then I miss them. I don’t want to miss anyone else.”
And wasn’t that just a sucker punch to the heart?
Because Buck knew exactly how that felt. And he wished with everything he had that he could tell Chris that life wasn’t like that, that the people you truly loved would never leave you. But he had promised himself that he would never lie to Christopher. And everything he knew about the world told him otherwise. Abby. Ali. Maddie. It was his greatest fear that the people he cared about would leave him, and he had seen it happen time and time again. How could he possibly reassure Christopher when he couldn’t even reassure himself?
“Yeah, um...yeah, people go away, and it’s sad, and it hurts. But you know, not everyone goes away forever. Sometimes they come back, and as much as we missed them, that’s how happy we are to see them again.”
Maddie came back. And Eddie…
After the lawsuit, when Buck thought for a while that he’d destroyed their friendship forever, the weight of missing Eddie and Christopher settled on his chest and wrapped around his heart in a vice-like grip. And then Eddie forgave him. He let his guard back down, let Buck back into his life and Christopher’s. And the joy had been a relief like nothing he’d ever known. It was possible that people could come back who you thought were lost to you forever.
“Your grandma, your friends, Carla...you’re gonna see them all again.”
That was easier to promise. As soon as this pandemic was over, Carla would be breaking down Eddie’s door to see Christopher. She would be fighting Eddie’s abuela for the right to break that door down.
“Do you promise?” Christopher asked, staring at him intently. Buck nodded confidently.
“I do. And until that happens, you still got me.”
Buck tapped Christopher’s knee lightly with his knuckles.
“’Cause I’m not going anywhere.”
Chris beamed and lurched forward to hug him. Buck wrapped his arms around him and smiled, feeling genuinely happy for the first time that night.
“Hey Buck?” Chris whispered.
“Yeah buddy?”
“You’re a good friend.”
The trust and gratitude in his voice stood in stark contrast to Taylor, who had that very evening accused him of the opposite. Guilt squirmed through Buck’s stomach, especially when he had one more thing he needed to say that might change Chris’s opinion.
“Sometimes,” he said.
What he had to say now definitely fell down on the side of bad cop, and maybe saying it would get Christopher mad at him. But he couldn’t just pretend that what Chris did tonight was OK, or something that he should do again. Buck leaned forward again, catching Christopher’s gaze as he settled back down on the sofa.
“Chris...I know you felt like you had to get out tonight and make a point to your dad. And I get it, and I’m really glad you came to me. But you have to know that you can’t do it again. It’s not safe for you to take off on your own across the city like that.”
“You’re just saying that because I have CP,” Chris scowled, shrinking away on the defensive again. Buck pressed the point, gently but firmly.
“No, I promise I’m not. I would say this to any kid.” He tapped Christopher’s knee lightly with his fingertips and caught his gaze before he carried on. “You cannot just run away from home every time you get in a fight with your dad. And you shouldn’t be getting into cars with strangers anyway, not even Uber drivers. It’s dangerous.”
“You do it.”
“I’m a grown up. And I’m about two feet taller than you, so...” Buck trailed off, arching an eyebrow at him. Chris shrugged.
“I guess I just wanted to see you. Dad didn’t even notice I was gone. He was too busy with his girlfriend.”
Buck grimaced, but hid his face from Chris by moving to take a seat on the couch next to him.
“Yeah, I know. And that’s not right either, and I’m gonna have a word with him about that. But you mean so much to us, kiddo. I don’t know what your dad would do without you.”
I don’t know what I would do without you. Both of you.
“Sorry, Buck.”
Chris’s voice was small but his apology sincere, and Buck slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into his side for another hug.
“That’s OK, buddy. Just don’t do it again, OK? You’ve got at least three years before you’re a teenager and you’re allowed to start rebelling. I’m getting to be an old man over here, I can’t deal with the stress!” He shot a grin at Chris, who giggled, and then delivered his last piece of serious advice for the night. “If you feel like that again...call me. You have my number, I am just at the other end of the phone, and I will always pick up for you. OK?”
“OK,” Chris nodded, looking happier.
They settled into comfortable silence watching TV, but Buck had hardly relaxed out of parent mode when knocking at the door forced him to his feet. The smile slipped from Christopher’s face
“Wait here, buddy,” Buck said, patting his shoulder. “I’ll talk to your dad first.”
Chris nodded and sank back into the couch like he was hoping he might be able to disappear into it as Buck crossed the apartment. He could hear Eddie’s panic in the way his fist landed on the door, heavier than normal. He must have broken every speed limit on the way over here to make it in such a short time. And when Buck opened the door and Eddie strode in, his suspicions were confirmed. He only wore a short-sleeved black Henley, despite the chill in the air tonight.
“Christopher, are you OK? What were you thinking?”
His tone spiked angrily, but Buck could hear the fear hiding behind it, could see the tension in his arms and shoulders, could see the way his jaw worked to keep his emotions locked up inside. Chris dropped his gaze to the floor.
“I’m OK, Dad,” he mumbled. Eddie made to go to him, but Buck stepped around him and put a hand out to block his path.
“Hey, Eddie, wait up.”
His touch was light, but Eddie stopped as if he’d run into a wall, jolting at the feel of Buck’s palm against his chest, hearing the caution in Buck’s tone, seeing his blue eyes narrow.
“I think we should talk first.”
Buck gestured to the kitchen island, and Eddie slid restlessly onto a bar stool, shooting a glance across the apartment at Christopher, who was watching them surreptitiously through the slats in the stairs. Buck chose his words carefully, pushing down the sting of irritation he felt at his best friend.
“Look, I know you’re probably mad at Chris, and as his dad, that’s your right,” he started. “But we had a talk before you got here, and he explained to me a little of why he did what he did tonight.”
Eyes still flashing with fear masquerading as anger, Eddie opened his mouth to speak, but Buck shook his head slightly, and Eddie clenched his jaw shut and nodded once for him to continue.
“Chris is missing his friends, and Carla, and his mom,” Buck said quietly, and Eddie’s face clouded automatically at the mention of Shannon. “He said he was afraid of people leaving him. And I think we can all relate to that. Just go easy on him.”
Eddie sighed and ran a hand through his hair, staring down at the kitchen island.
“What about Ana?” he asked, his voice slightly muffled.
Buck shrugged, fighting the childish urge to say ‘What about her?’ He bit it back. Now was not the time to take issue with Eddie’s AnaVision and how it had led him to neglect his son tonight.
“Chris told me he knew about you dating again. It must be rough for him, and it’ll take some time to adjust, but he’ll be OK.”
Eddie finally looked up and met his gaze.
“I’m glad he came to you.”
The conviction in his voice, the gratitude in his brown eyes, sent warmth spreading through Buck’s chest and mollified some of his irritation. He felt a surge of satisfaction at being wanted, being needed, by the two people who meant the most to him in the world, and fought the urge to reach across the space between them and put his hand over Eddie’s, to fold his arms around him. Instead he just nodded, curling his fingers over on his knees so he wouldn’t be tempted.
“I love that kid. He can always come to me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Eddie rose to his feet.
“Thank you, Buck.”
He gripped Buck’s shoulder tightly, holding his gaze a second longer, then turned and made his way warily across the apartment to his son.
“Hey Christopher. Can I talk to you?”
Chris nodded, not meeting Eddie’s eyes. Eddie sank onto the coffee table, in the space that Buck had occupied not so long ago, and leaned forward into Christopher’s space.
“Buddy, I’m not mad. I was really worried tonight when I couldn’t find you at home. We’re very lucky that Buck was here. What if he’d been out?”
“He was out when I got here,” Chris said, and Eddie’s eyes flicked to Buck, who shrugged it off.
“Double date from hell. Don’t ask.”
Eddie’s eyebrow arched, and an expression skittered across his face, too quickly for Buck to name it, so quickly he wasn’t sure he hadn’t just imagined it. Eddie turned back to Chris, resting his forearms on his knees as he leaned forward again. Buck leaned against the stairs, not bothering to move away. He wanted to hear Eddie’s explanation for tonight, wanted to be there in Chris’s corner in case Eddie 2.Ana reared his head again.
“I know this is a big change for you, and it is for me too,” Eddie said. “But you don’t sneak out of the house, at night, and take off across town. It’s dangerous, you have no idea what could happen to you out there.” A shadow crossed Eddie’s face, because he did know exactly what sort of horrors could be walking the streets under the cover of darkness. “If you have a problem, you need to talk about it.”
“I did,” Chris pointed out. “I came to talk to Buck.”
Buck arched an eyebrow, amused. He distinctly remembered having to pry the information out of Christopher, but he didn’t correct him.
“And I am so glad you did come to him, because I know there’s no one else in the world who would keep you safer than Buck. And we all need good friends who we can talk to and trust, and Buck is our best friend, yours and mine.” Eddie shot Buck a warm look, who was glad he was leaning against something for support, because his knees had genuinely almost buckled at the compliment and strength of feeling in Eddie’s voice. It was going to be hard to stay mad at him if he kept saying things like that.
“But Chris, please don’t do that again,” Eddie continued, turning back to his son. “You’re already growing up so fast, mijo, but the world isn’t always safe out there, and I need you to be safe, because you are the most important person in my life.” Eddie placed a hand on his heart, then reached across and mirrored the gesture, laying his hand over Christopher’s heart. “It’s you and me, always. I promised that when we moved here. And I still mean that. Just because I’m seeing someone, that doesn’t change anything.”
“You promise?” Christopher asked, and Eddie nodded firmly.
“I promise.”
He opened his arms for a hug, and for a moment Buck wondered if Chris would refuse. But eventually he consented, and Eddie hugged his son tightly. When he finally broke away, he straightened up and stretched.
“OK, I think we’ve taken up way too much of Buck’s evening. How about we head home via In-N-Out? I know it’s one of your favourites, we can pick up takeout.”
Chris didn’t move.
“Can I stay here with Buck tonight?”
Eddie’s face registered hurt, but Christopher was already looking at Buck for an answer. Buck pulled a face, regretful, and his eyes moved automatically to Eddie even as he answered.
“I’m sorry buddy, I’d love to but Albert’s staying with me at the moment so we’re out of room.”
Christopher considered this.
“Can you come and stay with us tonight then?”
Buck hesitated. He was loathe to refuse Christopher anything, but after tonight he needed some time alone to think.
“Some other time, buddy. I’m pretty beat and we’ve got an early start at work tomorrow.”
Eddie shot him an apologetic look for taking up so much of his evening, and started herding Chris towards the door. Buck followed, falling into step with Eddie.
“Double date from hell?” Eddie asked him in a low voice.
“I took Taylor round to Veronica’s for dinner with her and Albert. I may not have told her it was a double date before she showed up.”
Eddie pulled a face that might have been a grimace.
“I’m guessing she didn’t take it well?”
“I could have handled it better.”
Eddie shrugged, his tone and his expression determinedly neutral.
“Her loss.” He changed the subject. “Hey, you free Wednesday night? Want to come over for the evening? It might stop a repeat of tonight if you’re around more often.”
I’m not sure if Ana would approve.
“Umm, sure. I have no plans.”
“Stay over if you want,” Eddie said. “I mean, you’re over often enough you may as well be living with us by now.”
“Is Buck coming to live with us?” Chris asked excitedly, picking up on Eddie’s words. Buck laughed, feeling a little unsteady on his feet at the thought.
“You’ve got the idea in his head now!” he told Eddie accusingly, shaking his head and turning to crouch at Chris’s eye level. “I’d love to, but where would I sleep? Are you volunteering to sleep on the couch so I could have your bed?”
Chris laughed and shook his head.
“You wouldn’t fit in my bed!”
“Yeah, those clown feet of yours would hang over the edge,” Eddie added helpfully. Buck pulled a face and him and straightened up to meet his gaze.
“Oh yeah? Are you offering me your bed then?” he asked, then instantly felt heat rise across his face and neck at how the words came out. There was another flicker of unknown emotion across Eddie’s face again, there and gone again before Buck could pin it down.
“You could share Dad’s bed!” Christopher piped up, and they both started and stared down at him.
“Excuse me, Christopher?” Eddie asked, in that tone that said he’d been caught off guard and was trying to cover it.
“Your bed’s big enough for you and Buck to sleep in,” Christopher said. “That way Buck wouldn’t need to sleep on the couch.”
“OK, it’s definitely time we were leaving,” Eddie said, scooping his son up into his arms and stepping hurriedly out across the threshold. “See you tomorrow, Buck.”
*
Text conversation between Eddie Diaz and Evan Buckley
Eddie: Thanks for tonight Buck
I don’t know what I’d have done if Chris hadn’t come to you
Buck: Don’t mention it
Guess he hit that ‘I don’t have to do what you tell me’ phase quicker than we expected...
Eddie: Tell me about it.
Buck: He’ll be getting his eyebrow pierced next 😂
Eddie: Over. My. Dead. Body.
Since when did my 10 year old turn into a teenager? I’m not ready for this.
Buck: Well you look old enough. I’m sure I saw a grey hair the other day… 👴
Eddie: 😲 You take that back right now Buckley
Buck: 🙊
Eddie: …You know I was only kinda joking earlier?
You could move in with us
Buck: What, like the single uncle? I’m already living that life with Albert, who’s basically squatting in my apartment. We’re like a bad 80s sitcom.
Eddie: That’s why I thought you might want a break
You could crash with us for a while
Buck: You only have two bedrooms, Eddie. And both of those are taken
Eddie: You’d fit on the sofa...just
Buck: Hey, if you’re gonna make me some kind of low-budget Carla replacement, I at least deserve an air mattress!
Eddie: That could be arranged.
Buck: Thanks, but it’s OK. I like my bed, and you guys like your own space. You’d get bored of me if I was there all the time.
Eddie: You’re not a low-budget replacement for Carla. Christopher loves her, but he worships you.
Buck: And I adore him. But the two of you don’t need me taking up space in your house. Night Eddie.
*
It was now three days since Christopher had run away. Three days since Eddie had basically asked Buck to move in with him and Christopher – twice – and both times Buck had laughed it off like he couldn’t possibly be serious. Eddie really needed to let it go now. Because, really, what was he thinking?
Their home was cosy, big enough for Eddie and Christopher and maybe one other person – but a partner, not a friend. They didn’t have three bedrooms – he was essentially asking Buck to leave the comfort of his loft apartment and his big fancy bed to come and couch surf at the Diazes, swapping limited privacy for absolutely none. No wonder he wasn’t jumping up and down in excitement at the prospect. He was just trying to find a polite way to say no.
But, as luck would have it, fate – less commonly known as Albert – was on his side. When Buck got into work that morning, his usual sunny expression was dark, and he huffed his way through getting changed, morning coffee and truck cleaning duties without saying much to anyone.
“Come on, Buck, spit it out,” Hen said finally, when they sat down for breakfast, cooked by Bobby with the express hope of bringing Buck out of his funk. “What’s up?”
Buck looked up, startled that anyone had noticed. When he saw them all watching, he sighed and shook his head.
“It’s Albert. He told me he and Veronica had broken up, but when I got back from my run last night they were doing some very not-broken-up stuff in my shower.”
“Gross,” Hen winced.
“Your shower?” Eddie clarified. “Like, the one upstairs? Not the downstairs bathroom?”
Buck nodded grimly.
“I mean, I’m getting used to having no privacy in my own apartment after seven months of people crashing there.” He shot a look at Chimney, who stared innocently at the ceiling and pretended not to notice. “But this wasn’t I signed up for when I moved in to a place on my own. If I wanted no privacy and people having sex in my bathroom, I’d have stayed in shared housing.”
“At least Albert wasn’t doing it on your couch,” Chim offered. “He tried that at mine before.”
“He sleeps on my couch. Where else do you think he does it?” Buck countered.
“Have you checked your bed recently?”
“Eww,” Buck said, setting down his knife and fork and pushing his plate away. “Gross. Thanks Chim. Now I have to burn or disinfect everything I own.”
Chimney laughed and took the opportunity to steal the remaining bacon from Buck’s plate.
“Well, my offer still stands,” Eddie interjected, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms above his head.
“What offer?” Hen asked, eyebrows rocketing skyward.
“I said Buck could crash with me and Chris for a couple of weeks if he wanted some space from Albert.”
Hen and Chim didn’t even try to hide the look they shared at this news. Unsure of what it meant, Eddie glanced at Buck to see if he’d noticed, but he was shaking his head and looking down at the table, oblivious.
“Look, if I clear out it’s like they’ve won. My apartment was my safe space, and now it’s not. And I’ll just have to deal with that.” He looked back up at Chimney pleadingly. “Albert will go eventually, right?”
“Yeah...you know how he doesn’t do chores? That lack of motivation extends to looking for a place to live too.”
Buck sighed.
“If I move out, it gives them an excuse to have sex everywhere. I won’t be able to step back into my apartment without a UV light and protective gear.”
“How do you think we feel when we walk into your apartment?” Chimney asked.
Luckily the bell rang at that point and blocked out the expletives in Buck’s response.
*
A few hours later, Eddie was spotting for Buck as he lifted weights in the gym when he decided to broach the topic again.
“Look, I’m sorry if I put you on the spot earlier when I suggested you come and crash at ours for a while.”
“You don’t need me staying with you, Eddie,” Buck said, avoiding his gaze as he settled back onto the bench, preparing to lift the next set of weights. “I take up a lot of space, and you don’t have much of that to start with. Plus it’ll cramp your style having your only single friend staying on your couch when you bring Ana round.”
“Actually,” Eddie said, hearing his voice pitch up a little as he spoke, “She came around yesterday.”
A muscle jumped in Buck’s jaw as he forced the Olympic barbell up away from him, pushing his arms out to full extension.
“Oh? How did Chris take it?”
“Good. We watched a couple of movies and got takeout. Chris was happy to see her again.”
Buck nodded, but didn’t say anything again, eyes focused on the weights.
“And he knows that she’s your girlfriend,” he asked, his voice strained from the exertion.
“Well we’ve only been dating for a few weeks. But Chris did ask if she was my girlfriend and if I loved her when she’d left.”
The Olympic bar dropped as Buck’s arms buckled. Eddie lunged for it, but Buck had already corrected his move, and it clanged heavily back into place on the rack.
“You good?” Eddie asked, dropping to check Buck’s face for any sign of pain, wondering if he’d strained a muscle and had to set the bar down quicker than expected. But, aside from a scowl that Eddie put down to frustration at nearly dropping the bar, Buck seemed unhurt.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Buck sat up, removing his gloves and wiping sweaty palms on his shorts. “Look, Eddie, you don’t have to invite me to stay with you because you feel sorry for me or anything. I’m a grown up, I can handle Albert and Veronica.”
“I know you can. But the last month’s been kinda rough on you, and I thought it might be good for you to get away from the apartment for a while. I know Chris would love to have you there, and you’d be doing me a huge favour too – he’s barely seen anyone since March that wasn’t through a laptop screen.”
Buck slid off the bench, his expression still inscrutable as Eddie took his place.
“You can still carry on your therapy – you can use my room whenever you have a session,” Eddie added, strapping on his gloves and leaning back onto the bench. “If you were worried about it affecting your progress.”
He thought that this might be reassuring, but for some reason the mention of Dr Copeland seemed to make it worse. Buck’s expression closed up all together, and he avoided Eddie’s eye and all further attempts at conversation. Eddie watched him for a moment, but when it was clear he wasn’t getting anything else out of Buck he bit his lip and gave up, making the most of the window of time between calls to bench press, and to ask himself why he was suddenly so invested in his best friend moving in with him.
*
Buck threw every single obstacle he could think of at Eddie’s suggestion to try and derail it, to make him realise that he didn’t want this and to convince him to retract his offer, but nothing worked.
It wasn’t that Buck didn’t want to move in with the Diazes. It was literally the polar opposite. Because it didn’t matter where he slept, be that the couch or a blow up mattress or in a sleeping bag on the floor of Christopher’s room. Once he settled in to Casa Diaz for anything longer than a few hours, he knew he’d never want to leave. So trying to get out of it was really just self-preservation. But Eddie persisted throughout the day until finally, feeling all at once nervous and elated, Buck relented.
“OK.”
“OK?”
They were travelling to a call and his sudden outburst, barely audible over the sound of the sirens, took Eddie by surprise. He looked up in confusion and Buck elaborated.
“I’ll come and live with you and Christopher for a while.” He smiled shyly, then added hurriedly, “just for a couple of weeks, while Albert and Veronica work out whatever the hell it is they are, and then I’ll go back to my apartment.”
Eddie beamed and bumped his shoulder with his, and they started discussing how to tell Christopher. Once again, Buck missed the look that passed between Hen and Chimney. This time, so did Eddie.