Chapter Text
***
How would one know that they're really okay? What does being “okay” actually means? If you're alive, if you're breathing, if you're functioning, if you're smiling... does that mean you're okay? say if you're alive, if you're breathing, if you're functioning, if you're smiling... does that mean you're actually living?
What does “living” really means?
They say that it is to be alive at a specified time. How would you even know that you're alive? If your heart beats and pump out blood through your veins? If you pass air in your lungs? Say you talk and hear your voice, say you move your body... are you alive? Are you real?
What does being "real" really means?
They say that it's the state or quality of having existence or substance. If you can see it, if you can touch it; does that mean it's real?
Tell me, What does “reality” really means?
***
“Guk.. you sure you'll be okay?” , yoongi asks as he zipped up the suitcase he packed for Jeongguk’s trip back to his hometown Busan.
“ Yes I am hyung, maybe going back home will help me, you know... breathe.”, Jeongguk says, flashing a smile that Yoongi knows too well that's a fake. Forced, bitter, lonely; yet he just decided to let it go. They've done too much talking already and sometimes talking doesn't fix anything at all.
“call me once you get there okay? And I'll give you a call just in case- ”
“hyung, Don't. Let's not go there-.. at least for now * sigh* I'm all set, see you when I get back hyung.” Jeongguk says, grabbing his suitcase from the floor, heading towards their apartment door.
“Guk...”, Yoongi says, calling out his friend; feeling that there's something wrong. Well, something really is wrong... been wrong and so wrong for quite sometime now.
Jeon Jeongguk right now is nothing but an empty shell.
Jeongguk then paused, one hand on the door knob, the other on his suitcase; taking one deep breath, forcing another smile before he turned and faced Yoongi again. Min Yoongi; a person who might probably be hurting the same way as him, just not as deep. For unlike him, Yoongi isn't the one to blame.
“Thank you for everything hyung, don't worry, I'll be okay.”, Jeongguk says, giving the Yoongi a one last hug, before pulling back; picking up his suitcase again before heading out the door- .. for real this time, without looking back.
“please... please be okay kid. I can't lose you too..”, Yoongi says to himself, collapsing down on their old couch; Eyes wandering around the now empty space. A place that once was so bright when the three of them was still living here, now it looks dimmed; reeking with pain. Regrets and thousand shades of damn blue and grey.
***
How long has it been? How many days? How many weeks, months? Has it been a year already? Today is June 18th 2019. Yeah, it has been a year. A year of tears and a pool of regrets. a year of what if's and should have been's. A year of asking himself why? how? and where did things started to go wrong? When did he start losing himself? When did he start losing /him?/
Staring from the window of the cab he rented, Jeongguk passed by a familiar place; a place that held a thousand memories of those 365 days of bliss. That one summer night, after he got his first camera. His only camera, yet somehow he ended up carrying two instead of one.
“w..wait! mister, c-can we stop here? just for a while p-please.” Jeongguk asks, panic and desperation can be heard from his voice..
“Tch, no offense kid, but I'm done with scammers. Pay the current meter first and get your bags.. I'll wait here for ten minutes, if you're not done yet after that, then I'll leave.” The cab driver says as he steps on the brakes, while Jeongguk immediately fished out his wallet to pay.
“h-here. I'll be right back, thanks.”, Jeongguk says pulling his suitcase with him upon heading out.
“ *sigh* kids these days.” The old man says, scratching the back of his neck, watching his passenger walk away.
Jeongguk then walked towards the abandoned railway. It's still early, though it's quite dim; a huge contrast to the usual orange sunsets of his and their 365 days of 6 p.m.'s, and way too bright for his other 365 days of complete darkness. He then grabbed the camera from his small slingbag, a Leica M10 Monochrom that captures everything in black and white; taking random shots as he approach one of old carriages leaving his suitcase behind.
It has been what? 2 years since he first set foot in Seoul, 2 years since he first bought his first camera, 2 years since he met //him//; him that's both a walking sunshine and a storm. A combination of grey and brights, if that shit is even possible; though with that person , it is... it was.
He then climbed his way up to get inside one of the old empty carriage, it still smells of rust and dust, but for Jeongguk right now it smells like the past; the squeaks his footsteps made, sounds like a series of laughter and giggles, followed by soft whispers of I love you's; The cracked and dusty leather seats his fingertips now touches, feels like soft honey skin. Warmth and again... him.
He gulped as he continued to walk inside the cramped old carriage, every step feels like he's walking not on eggshells but on sharp glass shards; wounding him, though he doesn't bleed.
Lifting his camera as he takes a shot of the old curtain fluttering from the carriage's open window, breathing heavily upon seeing it come out blurred- not his photos, but his eyes that's now glossed with tears that started streaming down his face as he breaks into a sob.
“I- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... I miss you...I fucking miss you. I love you...f- forgive me.” Jeongguk cries; letting his words be carried by the wind as he started walking away; picking up his suitcase as he walks back to the cab.
“sigh, I thought you'd never come, I almost left you know? “ The old man says, as he twists the key on its slot, starting the engine of the car.
“t-thank you for waiting mister. “, Jeongguk says as he took one last glance at the old abandoned railway from the past.
***
Jeongguk then paid the cab driver again and gave an extra tip since the man indeed waited for him on his little stop over; bowing politely, bidding the driver goodbye before he walked towards the station; pulling his suitcase from behind.
He's currently standing at the platform waiting for his train going to Busan that's about to come in around five, when he saw another train arrive from the opposite side; staring at the ticket that's currently on his hand; he felt a sudden rush of emotions kick in, making him want to stop and think. No, it made it just made him want to disappear ; disappear maybe to a place where nobody knows him. Maybe to a place where nobody knows his sin.
Next thing Jeongguk knew, he's already crumpling the small paper in his hand, throwing it on the bin as he walked towards one of ticket vending machines for the train that goes to god knows where; paying and printing it out before he stepped in. Finding a seat at the far back; thinking that thankfully this train isn't packed and he's alone at the couch. He then sat down after he lifted his suitcase up the overhead luggage rack.
“yeah... let's disappear for awhile.” Jeongguk says to himself.; eyes staring out the glass window as the train starts to run.
*click*
“huh?”, Jeongguk asks, furrowing his brows after a stranger with chestnut hair and sharp feline eyes wearing an old denim jacket, just shamelessly took a photo of him while he's looking out the moving train's window.
“we took photos as a return ticket to a moment otherwise gone.” * click * The stranger says before taking another shot of him.
“excuse me? But who are you?” Jeongguk asks,
“pfft.. I'm Kim Taehyung. You? What's your name?” the guy asks him back, going all box shaped smile and crescent eyes.
“Jeon... Jeon Jeongguk.”
“nice to meet you Jeongguk-ssi. Are you traveling alone?” the guy named Kim Taehyung asks again.
“well yes, and I'm kinda not looking for any company.”, Jeongguk says, sounding a bit annoyed; for honestly, he just wants to be alone.
“hmm... why? it'll be a long ride, might as well have someone to talk to; This seat isn't occupied right? mind if I take it?” Taehyung shamelessly asks, still sporting that cheeky grin, already taking the couch in front of him before Jeongguk could even say no.
“well you're already seated, it's not like I can do anything about it anyway.”, Jeongguk says, rolling his eyes at the stranger who just took a photo of him and now blatantly disturbing his peace.
“did you know that it's better to travel well than to arrive?” *click* Taehyung randomly says, before taking a photo of him again.
“Hey! it's quite rude to take pictures of people without their permission y'know?” ,Jeongguk says, scoffing in disbelief.
“If it's a bad photo then it's rude. If it's a good one then it's an art.”, Taehyung says, smugly showing Jeongguk the screen of his Ricoh GR III compact camera with the photo of him captured in such vivid colors skillfully on a moving train.
“Tch.”
“so... how is it? What do you think?” Taehyung asks, with a rather cocky grin on his face, knowing full well that he took a good shot.
“good, I think? Only if you're not that shameless.”
“that's it? hah, just good? hey, compliments are free y'know? There's no need to be stingy about giving them, especially when it's rightfully due.”, Taehyung says looking so offended that he rolled his eyes at Jeongguk.
“Look, Taehyung-ssi. I'm not a photographer, nor a photography student, I'm no critic and I just want to be at peace so can you like, i don't know-.. leave me alone or better yet keep silent so I can sleep?” Jeongguk bites back with no filters on his words towards the stranger that's starting to annoy him a bit too much, right now.
“hmm, well... aren't you, a snappy one, tch. You have a camera, quite a good one too, actually; Leica Monochrom huh?” Taehyung says, eyeing the camera that's peeking through Jeongguk's open slingbag.
“so? does owning a camera makes one a photographer?” Jeongguk asks,
“No. But owning a Leica means that you at least know about cameras and photos; y'see not everyone will invest for that brand and also that model.” Taehyung says in a matter-of-fact tone, clearly knowing what he's talking about.
“ugh, what do you want Taehyung-ssi? Can't you see that you might be disturbing the other passengers? Yes, and that includes me.” , Jeongguk groans, eyeing the other passengers in the train; well they don't look like they're bothered, but maybe this strategy will work against this pesky camera guy.
“take a few photos with me. I'm bored.”, Taehyung says nonchalantly, as if he didn't just met Jeongguk a few minutes ago.
“ Excuse me? Dude, I'm tired, please I just want to sleep.”
“but you just woke up! c'mon, just a few shots; we could like y'know, compare and share some ideas, it'll be fun!, “, Taehyung says a little too enthusiastically, before boldly grabbing Jeongguk by the hand shaking him like a child begging for candy.
“ *sigh* you're not one to take no for an answer aren't you?” Jeongguk sighs in defeat; Well he got nothing to do anyway to be honest, and this guy looks like he won't stop unless he gets what he wants, so might as well get this done and over with.
“obviously, duuh?” Taehyung says lips curling back to his cheeky grin.
“fine, tsk. Just a few shots it is.”, Jeongguk says, letting the loud stranger pull him up and drag him towards the dining carriage which is oddly not packed despite it being close to dinner time already; just a man with a plate of steak sitting in front of probably his wife that's wearing a classic red dress while munching on her salad, and the barista that stood behind the empty bar counter.
“So, what kind of photos do you take?” Taehyung asks, eyes behind his lens as he took a few random shots.
“Thought we'll just gonna take photos? I don't remember ever signing up for an interview.”
“pfft.. c'mon, just answer it.”
“ *sigh* I don't know, still life? portrait? Just anything, depending on my mood. I'm not doing it professionally anyway.”, Jeongguk says, taking a few random shots as well.
“so you just like taking photos? “
“yeah, I think?”
“are you lonely?” Taehyung randomly asks, stealing another photo of him, which Jeongguk decided to ignore this time.
“huh? what's with the question?”
“ y'see, photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still. People who doesn't do this for a living either take photos because they wanted to capture little moments that might pass them by; y'know, the lonely ones. While some takes photos not to capture what it looks like but to capture what it feels; The romantics, or-..”
“or they're just bored and got nothing else better to do so they pester some random stranger and start asking them random life questions, y'know; the odd ones like you.”, Jeongguk says.
“pfft... yeah, then there's that. hmm, by the way, were you able to take some? can I see it?”, Taehyung asks, once again invading his personal space, peeking through the screen on his camera.. a few poor shots of the dining tables and some cutleries all in black and white.
“hmm... not bad. Wanna check mine?” Taehyung asks, handing his camera to Jeongguk who accepted it with a rather tired sigh.
Jeongguk then browsed through the shots, it's mostly of the foggy windows, some are vivid, some are blurred, then there's one of the couch; lens adjusted to give it a somehow vintage vibe; it's raw and a bit peculiar, 'he's good', Jeongguk thinks.
“what do you think?” Taehyung asks.
“ It's random. Quite perplexing; what were you trying to achieve when you took these shots? ”, Jeongguk asks back after giving his honest thoughts.
“hmm... it's subjective, y'see. No matter what emotion or complex style a photographer aim to portray on his pieces, it'll be all for naught once the audience start to see and feel something else, since each of us has different emotions inside. Like how a specific photo mayhap means happiness for the ones who took it, but meant sadness for the others who just sees it as it is, tch. I'm not really good with words but you do get me right?"
"I do. Well, are we good? Can I go back to my seat now?”, Jeongguk asks.
“really? you got it? I mean- ”
“Yup. Now, I did my end of the bargain Taehyung-ssi. Then, see you around.”Jeongguk says; turning away from the pesky and loud stranger without looking back, walking towards his seat so he could sleep.
***
“hey! did you just take a photo of me again?”, Jeongguk asks, seeing a man without a face hiding behind the lens that is focused on him.
“yeah... why?” the man says, shrugging as if it's no big deal.
“ugh... then let me throw that question right back at you, why?” , Jeongguk asks, he's not mad but he'd rather have the man ask for his permission first, at least he'd be conscious of how he looks.
“hmm... your eyes... they look so bright.”, the man says, stepping forward, invading Jeongguk's personal space, making him gulp nervously.
“it's as if they're holding a thousand stars within... I've never seen such eyes before... “, the faceless man continues, tilting his head on the side as he leaned closer, inspecting Jeongguk's face.
“y-you're not gay, aren't you?”, Jeongguk blurts out, baffled and flustered about the man's sudden attack of unfiltered romantic words.
“pfft... no? yes? maybe? does it matter? You need no gender to appreciate beauty Jeongguk-ssi. And don't worry, I'm not into you... at least not yet.”, the man says teasingly as he steps back; making Jeongguk's lips curl up to a rather embarrassed smile.
“god, you're making me cringe so bad.”, Jeongguk says, cheeks dusted pink, suppressing his smile from going wider.
“hmm... get used to it; I might stick around.”, the man says, and even if Jeongguk cannot see his face, he could tell that the man is quite smug about it.
***
*click *
“ugh..” Jeongguk groaned, stretching out his legs as he opened his eyes upon hearing the shutter of a camera.
“ rise and shine stranger.” , Taehyung says, greeting him with that same cheeky grin and crescent eyes.
“ *sigh* you again?.”, Jeongguk says, rolling his eyes at the other; frustrated upon seeing this one peculiar stranger that decided to hang around and pester him, during his supposedly peaceful trip.
***
Jeongguk doesn't know why or how he ended up here inside the poorly lit baggage carriage with Kim Taehyung, whom he just met yesterday-.. No was it yesterday or just a few hours ago? He doesn't really know, because for some odd reason his old cheap wristwatch decided to give up on him, probably running out of battery stopping at 6 o'clock. Well it didn't surprised him for the poor watch has been with him for around five years already and he turned off his phone with no intentions of turning it back on anytime soon; knowing that Yoongi, Jimin, Hobi and Namjoon's probably bombarding him with messages and calls from the moment he left this morning; why? Well... Let's just say that he's not in the mood to remember.
“ hey, Jeongguk-ssi, where are you going? “ Taehyung asks, putting down his camera as he sat beside Jeongguk who's now doodling on an old notebook he found here in the clutter.
“To where this train is heading to.”, Jeongguk says, tone cold and flat.
“hmm.. for a vacation?”, Taehyung asks again.
“maybe? I don't know.”, Jeonggukanswers, well it's true; for he entered this train on impulse, not even bothering to know it's destination, all he knows is that he wanted to escape. He wanted to leave. He wanted to disappear and maybe find himself; maybe find hope... maybe even happiness.
“you're an enigma, y'know”
“No? rather, I'm a stranger who's not comfortable in sharing personal stuff to another stranger.” Jeongguk says, eyes glued on his random drawing.
“ Well, shame. You're missing your chance y'see?.”, Taehyung shrugs.
“huh?”
“don't you know that it's easier to share personal stuff to strangers rather than to those you know personally?”
“and why is that?”
“because strangers basically don't know you, they don't know how you lived your life and they don't know enough to judge, that's why.”, Taehyung says.
“Well thanks, but no thanks, I'm not interested.”
“Tsk, No, seriously... c'mon, just try it. If you don't want to tell me where you're going as if I'm gonna stalk you after this, then just tell me why you left. I'm kinda curious y'see.” Taehyung continues to pry.
“Look, you kinda stalked me since you first saw me, stole photos of me and still following me around; so you can't blame me if I choose to doubt you, Taehyung-ssi." Jeongguk says in a matter-of-fact tone.
“you really don't want to try? Promise I won't judge, my mouth is zipped.” , Taehyung says, teasingly running his fingers across his lips as if really zipping it.
“ *sigh* Fine, let's just say that the day I decided to take this trip, is also the day that I decided to find myself, my purpose and my happiness, yeah, something like that.”, Jeongguk says, sighing in defeat.
“hmm... Ever heard of the saying ' life isn't about finding yourself, but about creating yourself?' I mean, what's there to find when you're already you; just be who you want to be, then the you now, will be the you that you'll become tomorrow; well that is unless you decide to make a change.” Taehyung says, making Jeongguk slowly turn his head towards him; staring at this stranger that blurts out his random thoughts, hating the fact that as much as it annoys him; Kim Taehyung, this man, kinda makes sense despite his odd choice of words.
“why? You find me awesome now?” Taehyung asks with a smug grin painted on his lips, seeing that Jeongguk has been staring at him.
“tch.. whatever.” Jeongguk clicks his tongue, averting Taehyung's gaze, turning back to his random doodles while his lips curls to a small smile.
“You can draw?”, Taehyung asks in awe, scooting closer to Jeongguk's side, once again invading his personal space while peeking at his work.
“yes.”
“Wow... I mean, wow, that’s amazing.”, Taehyung says voice full of wonder; big eyes growing even wider, mouth hanging agape like a child who got to see the stars for the first time at night.
“pfft... what's so amazing about this?” Jeongguk asks, letting out a snort, scrunching his nose to suppress his smile from growing wider.
“hmm... I don't know? and I won't tell, you see I'm just a stranger that's not comfortable in answering random questions from another stranger.” Taehyung says, mimicking Jeongguk's cold answer towards him earlier; making the latter look at him again, meeting his eyes, furrowing his brows as if assessing his tone.
“pfft..”, Taehyung snorts, followed by Jeongguk who did the same,
“pfft.. weirdo.”, Jeongguk says, hitting Taehyung's arm playfully as they both breaks into a laugh; Laugh, Jeon Jeongguk's first laugh since god knows when.
***
Has it been what? Minutes? No. maybe hours... Hours of hanging out with Kim Taehyung and Jeongguk found himself getting swayed by the latter's pace. Taehyung; in contrast on Jeongguk's first impression of him as an annoying and just a plain obnoxious guy, turns out to be a breath of fresh air. They took countless of photos by now, running from one carriage to another; thankfully the other passengers doesn't seem to be bothered by them even though they sometimes gets too loud, making Jeongguk think that maybe some people are really considerate when it comes to not spoiling how others have fun.
“Do you believe in serendipity?” Jeongguk asks.
“hmm... Maybe? Chances comes and goes; sometimes a series of coincidences could end up with a happy result. Like for example, you're hungry and broke, then all of a sudden you find a crumpled 10,000 won in your coat, then you're able to buy food- ..Serendipity; or let's say you're about to take photos outside but it suddenly rained, yet you still went ahead and took some shots ending up being drenched but with better still life photos than of a sunny day, again, Serendipity. So yeah, maybe I do believe in that.” Taehyung says, as they walked around the middle pathway of the train.
“How about destiny and fate?”, Jeongguk asks again, wondering why he's coming up with these random questions in the first place, maybe he just got swept by Taehyung's bold randomness.
“That, well...maybe yes? maybe no?” Taehyung says, halting his steps to sit ot one of the empty couches, looking out of the window.
“and why is that?”
“ Hmm, Destiny are the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future; wherein fate is a development of events beyond a person's control. They say that everything has a reason, everything has a purpose and they say that everyone has a choice, but that's a bit contradicting with the meaning of destiny and fate right? Because the concept of destiny is like a person's fate is already set to stone; while fate leads you to your destiny, meaning, everything a person does is predetermined and we really have no choice. Even choosing between red and blue wouldn't really be up to you. Maybe I do believe in destiny and fate when it comes to the people in our lives. I do believe we meet them for a reason, but what I don't believe in, is that how our every action is predetermined by both destiny and fate, because I'd like to believe that I have a choice. Still have a choice.” Taehyung says.
“I didn't expect you to be quite deep Taehyung-ssi. “ Jeongguk says, giving Taehyung's words a good thought.
“hmm- oh! it's the sea! Look!, Taehyung exclaims, palms leaning flat against the cold windows of the train, eyes sparking as he gawked at the sight of the see outside, passing right at their faces.
“pfft... and now you're back to being a kid." Jeongguk says with a rather silent chuckle.
“Shame, I would really want to take photos by the beach.”, Taehyung pouts, earning Jeongguk's attention; making him be lost in trance.
***
“don't pout. “ Jeongguk absent-mindedly says.
“why?”, a faceless man asks him.
“it makes me want to kiss you.”
“then do it.” the faceless man says with such a gentle voice that it sounded like a whisper, leaning in claiming his lips for a soft chase kiss, full of warmth.
***
“Hey, Jeongguk-ssi, are you okay?” , Taehyung asks, seeing Jeongguk staring blankly at him.
“huh? ah, y-yes, I'm okay.”, Jeongguk says, blinking his eyes rather rapidly as he snapped back from being lost in his thoughts, wondering what is it that he just saw - or remember? He doesn't really know.
“pfft... you look funny.”, Taehyung says, letting out a soft giggle.
“do you want to take photos of the sea?”, Jeongguk asks, turning his head towards the view outside the window.
“yes! I mean, who wouldn't? The view' s majestic, just... I don't know? look at it!”, Taehyung says, pointing outside, even though Jeongguk's already looking there, watching as how the blue pass them by.
“yeah, I wish I could take photos there too-..”
“excuse me gentlemen, sorry to bother you two. However, I'm here to inform all our passengers that the train needs to stop for maintenance. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.”, Jeongguk was cut off when a tall man with broad shoulders wearing a crisp suit with the name tag that reads 'Kim Seokjin' approached them.
“o-oh, it's okay. uhm, that means we can go outside for a little sightseeing, right?.” , Jeongguk asks, while the attendant, just smiled and nodded in respose, before leaving them with a warm smile.
“hear that Jeongguk-ssi? We can go out to take photos! ahh! lucky! oh wait- what do you think this is? Serendipity, destiny or fate?”, Taehyung asks, with that cheeky grin of his as he stood up bringing his camera with him, while Jeongguk followed him behind.
“serendipity?”
“yeah? Me too, I think it's serendipity; and I'm not complaining, come! Let's go!, “, Taehyung exclaims, smiling widely as he takes Jeongguk's hand, running as he pulls him outside..
...
“ hey! Come here quick!” Taehyung calls out to him with a wide and bright grin on his face, making Jeongguk want to smile too, and so he did; following Taehyung who's now walking bare feet on the sand, throwing his slippers off somewhere, running until the sea touches his feet.
“hey! slow down!”, Jeongguk says, laughing while watching Taehyung run and dance, kicking the sand and sea water underneath, a pretty sight indeed that Jeongguk thought of taking a photo of it, only if he hasn't forgotten his camera inside the train.
“ Kim Taehyung!.”, Jeongguk says, chasing Taehyung instead.
“This is nice don't you think?”, Taehyung asks as he sucks on a deep breath, spreading his arms out as if hugging the breeze that's gently hitting their skin.
“yeah.” Jeongguk answers, taking a lung full of air as well.
“kinda makes you never want to leave right?" Taehyung asks; lifting his camera that's hanging on his neck, eyes behind the lens, taking a shot of the horizon in front of them.
“mm-hmm. yes, The kind that makes you never wanna leave.”, Jeongguk says, feeling oddly satisfied in front of this view and with this stranger standing beside him.
“Did you know that to find the pearls in life's ocean, you have to venture out far past the shore?”, Taehyung asks; taking a step towards the water as if he wanted to go deeper.
“s-stop! Don't.”, Jeongguk doesn't know why, but he grabbed Taehyung by the arm; stopping the latter from walking forward.
“huh? Why?” Taehyung asks.
“n-nothing, let's just take pictures over there.”, Jeongguk says, pointing at somewhere further away from the sea.
“hmm, okay.”, Taehyung then shrugs before following him behind. They took countless of photos, well Taehyung took countless of photos; photos of Jeongguk, the beach, the trees and the wide sea while singing a somewhat familiar song, making Jeongguk wonder where and when did he last heard of it.
*but I'm in so deep...You know I'm such a fool for you....You got me wrapped around your finger...*
“what's that song?” Jeongguk asks.
“ah... you like it?”, Taehyung smiles as he fish out his phone from his pocket before playing the song for Jeongguk to hear. “Linger, by the cranberries. Why? Sounds familiar?” Taehyung continues.
“yeah.”
“of course it is. It's a classic, but aside from that, I heard it being used in a movie too- ugh...what's that movie again? the one with Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale-”
" click."
***
“you downloaded that?”Jeongguk asks with an amused smile.
“yeah... t'was a nice song, nice movie too; makes me want to have that remote.” The faceless man says locking gazes with Jeongguk as they slowly swayed, dancing like stiff poles making the carriage's old wooden floor squeak under their bare feet.
“silly, didn't you see what happened to Michael upon getting that remote?”
“I won't use it to pass forward nor to rewind.” The faceless man says, and even by just his voice, Jeongguk could tell that the man's smiling right now.
“pfft... what are you gonna do with it then?”
“I'm gonna use it to stop time. Pausing at this moment- No... maybe not even that... just putting this, You. Us, in slow motion. I think I would really like that.”
“hey.”, Jeongguk says, eyes dazed and caught into trance by the beauty in front of him.
“yeah?”
“I think. I think I love you.”, Jeongguk says, ignoring the fact that it might be too soon to say it, too soon to say the words, but he'd rather say it now than regret not being able to say it by letting this moment pass him by.
“yeah? well, lucky you, because I think I'm in love you too.”, the faceless man says, as they both leaned in, sharing a kiss; starting off slow, bodies still swaying like those teenagers during prom night, dancing to some random 90's romance love song.
***
“h-Hey. Jeongguk-ssi, are you crying?” Taehyung asks voice laced in worry, seeing a tear fall off from Jeongguk's eye; making the latter wake up from his trance, once again dissociating from reality, remembering snippets of him being with someone whose face he cannot even see. T'was a happy memory, but for some reason, his chest feels tight as if his heart hurts so damn much.
“huh? ah... n-no, it's the sand, yeah... The sand must've caught in my eye.”, Jeongguk says, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.
“let me see.”, Taehyung says, leaning in , face too close, swatting his hand away to take a good look; gently blowing air over his eyes as if it'll really remove whatever's caught in there; which is apparently nothing since Jeongguk lied and this close proximity between him and Taehyung's making him seem to have forgotten how to breathe; gulping nervously, staring down at Taehyung's fluttering long lashes, sharp nose and lips protruded to a pout as he keeps blowing gently on his eye.
“is it okay now?”, Taehyung asks, looking up at him; still not stepping back.
“y-yeah...I think.”, Jeongguk says, asking himself what is it about this stranger whom he met just a while ago that's making him feel things he swore he didn't want to feel; see things he swore he didn't want to see, remember things he swore he didn't want to even think.
“hmm, That's good then.”, Taehyung says, lips curling to a smile as he finally takes a step back only for Jeongguk to grab his arm, keeping him from moving away.
“Jeongguk-ssi?”, Taehyung asks.
“you- you're perfect.”, Jeongguk absent-mindedly says; eyes moving from Taehyung's eyes down to his plump flushed lips.
“pfft...what did you say?”, Taehyung asks with a soft chuckle because of Jeongguk's odd randomness.
“You're perfect.”, Jeongguk says again;voice dropping low this time as he grabs Taehyung by the nape; closing the gap between their lips, head spinning while his heart keeps on beating fast. He doesn't even know why he's doing this; kissing this stranger whom he just me, but it somehow feels right, as if this kiss is saving him... Drowning him, not in pain but in warmth, making him shed tears as he deepens the kiss while Kim Taehyung kisses him back; both tasting Jeongguk's tears, feeling the sand prickling their bare feet; trembling hands cupping Taehyung's cheeks, before Jeongguk pulled back, wiping away his own tears; eyes clouded in panic, thinking of what to say in case Taehyung asks him why.
“Well, that was nice. I liked it.”, Taehyung says, lips once again curling to a warm smile, not even a single question of damn why.
“y-you're not mad?” Jeongguk asks.
“ if you kissed me with a bad breath, then I might get mad, but if you kiss me any other way, then it's okay, I liked it anyway. So...let's go back?”, Taehyung says, smiling at him, extending his hand for Jeongguk to hold.
“y-yeah, let's go back.”, Jeongguk smiles back at the beauty, taking his hand as they both returns to the train.
***
“oh, hi, gentlemen. Are you done outside?”, the attendant earlier says, welcoming them back on the train.
“ah...y-yes. Is the train okay now?”, Jeongguk asks
“of course it is sir. You're right on time.”, the attendant says, bowing while gesturing his hand for the two to get in.
“Great, thank you.”, Jeongguk says, as him and Taehyung walked back to their seats hand in hand.
'yeah.. maybe taking this train wasn't a bad idea after all.', Jeongguk says in his thoughts; looking out of the window, smiling to himself, while Taehyung sleeps on his shoulders as the train starts to run.
***
"Jeongguk-ah, are you lonely?", Taehyung randomly asks. They're currently here, leaning at the metal railing of the moving train, looking at the view, feeling the air hit their skin as they pass the sceneries outside.
"huh?, that again?" Jeongguk asks, wondering why Taehyung's asking him that when they were literally just laughing awhile ago.
"are you lonely?", Taehyung asks again, eyes fixed at the blurred view in front of them; moving way to fast for them to see and appreciate anything that pass them by.
"why'd you ask?"
"no reason, just curious. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to, by the way." Taehyung says, turning to him with the usual warm smile on his face.
"where are you heading to Taehyung?" Jeongguk asks, instead, refusing to answer the beauty's random question.
"Just somewhere."
"To your family?" Jeongguk asks, somehow wanting to know things about this man; hoping that maybe they could still keep in touch once this trip ends and this train goes to a full stop.
"I don't have anything like that, family I mean." Taehyung says, bright eyes, turning a bit sad; averting Jeongguk's gaze, turning to stare outside again.
"what do you mean?"
"I'm a bastard y'see. My dad; Well let's just say that he's someone important, someone with influence- yeah, something like that. While my mom... she's a prostitute. She left me with a family friend who took me in. My dad still supports me though, that's why I have money- well if anything, that's all I got." Taehyung says, gripping the cold metal ring tightly with his hands as he takes a deep breath.
"o-oh.. I'm sorry.", Jeongguk says, feeling guilty for even asking.
"How about you? What's your family like?", Taehyung asks.
"hmm...nothing."
"huh? don't tell me you don't have a family too?"
"naah..I mean I have a family and they're fine, but there's nothing special to say about them, they're just basic, y'know, a mom, a dad and a little sister. Dad works at 9-5. Mom's a housewife and my sister's currently in high school." Jeongguk says, remembering his family whom he left at home for this trip.
"I see, do you have any friends?" Taehyung asks again.
"mm-hmm, I have some, I guess."
"what are they like?" Taehyung continues to pry; looking at him with eyes filled with genuine curiosity, making Jeongguk feel like it's okay to share.
"*sigh* Fine, I'll tell you. First, Yoongi hyung, he's my best friend and we live together, he's a music major, a genius if you'd ask me. He sleeps a lot but he also works hard on his craft, that man, he's like a brother to me. Then, Jimin, Yoongi's boyfriend. He's a dance major and he often sleeps over at our apartment that you'd mistake him for also living there. He's fun and also very nice. Another one is Hobi, Jimin's classmate, he acts a bit comical at times, but he knows when to be serious, he's the one you would like to seek out for deep conversations about life over a bottle of soju or wine. And lastly Joon, a classmate of mine that's quite a genius too. Straight A student council president. He looks intimidating because of his height, but he's actually quite funny since he's just so clumsy; cute if you'd ask me." Jeongguk narrates , smiling from time to time as he remembers his friends.
"don't you miss them?" Taehyung asks.
"pfft.. as if I've been gone for too long. I just left, those guys will survive missing me for a few days. They knew I was going anyway." Jeongguk says.
"No, I mean, you're not calling them. Don't you think they'd be worried?"
"hmm, Maybe? y'see, I was about to go home to my parents at Busan but i took this train instead. I just kinda want to be left alone for awhile to you-.. know, that thing called finding one’s self."
"I see. What do you want to find Jeongguk-ah?" Taehyung asks; placing his hand on top of Jeongguk's.
"pfft... I just told you, Tae. Myself, I want to find myself."
"what's there to find?."
"I don't know. Purpose? Happiness? A reason to live?, things like that." Jeongguk says.
"Why'd you even need a reason to live when you're already breathing right now?" Taehyung asks; caressing the top of Jeongguk's hand.
"If you're breathing, does that means that you're already living?", Jeongguk asks back, glancing down at their hands before looking outside.
"Maybe yes and maybe no. But if you're breathing that means you're alive." Taehyung says.
"Then, wouldn't it mean that I'm just existing? Well, to be alive is to exist, I know. But existing doesn't always have a meaning; like an old toy grown out by a boy who became a man. The toy still exists but it has no meaning now that his owner outgrown his purpose."
" Well for me, the toy might've forgotten the meaning of his existence overtime, but he still served his purpose. He made the boy happy until he grew up to being a man. That means that his existence still has meaning, though not in the present, but at least in the past; and that boy who's now a man will always remember that toy as the toy who made him smile when he was young." Taehyung says, intertwining their fingers together.
"then how would I relate that to me?", Jeongguk asks, turning to face the beauty as if seeking for the right answer.
"You have a family, you have your friends whom I could tell that you love so much. You might not see your purpose now, but the people around you will not forget what you mean to them. They'll always remember you, they'll miss you, they'll continue to care for you… So if you can't find your purpose within your own self then maybe look for it in the eyes of others and the other way around; if you can't find your purpose on others, then look for it within your own self, Jeongguk. Which one do you need? which one are you?" Taehyung asks, caressing Jeongguk's face tenderly, as the latter leans into his warmth, closing his eyes as if thinking for the right answer.
"I-I don't know. I still can't tell."Jeongguk says, lips touching Taehyung's palm that's still on his face; kissing it lightly, indulging himself as if holding on for a bit of strength coming from this stranger who somehow knows how to pull out his emotions skillfully with his way of words.
"Then.. think about it while you're here. Think about it while you're with me.", Taehyung says, as he leans forward placing a soft kiss on Jeongguk's forehead.
"You.. what's your purpose Taehyung-ah?" Jeongguk asks, opening his eyes to meet the beauty's gaze.
"hmm.. That... I have yet to find out.", Taehyung says now smiling widely at him, making Jeongguk smile back; taking his hand as they walk back to their seats.
***
"excuse me sir. ", The same attendant says, approaching them while Taehyung's now sleeping on his lap.
"yes?", Jeongguk asks.
"Would you like something to eat? A drink perhaps?."
"oh. No thanks, I'm good." Jeongguk says
"I see, very well then sir-"
"w- wait!" Jeongguk doesn't know why, but this man somehow looks oddly familiar.
"yes?" The man asks, still smiling professionally at him.
"Have we met somewhere before? you kind look familiar." Jeongguk says, thinking about where he saw this man before.
"hmm.. That i don't know sir. Maybe? I've been on the train for as long as I can remember anyway." The attendant says.
"oh, I see...maybe that's why..", Jeongguk says, thinking that he may have seen the man on one of his train rides before.
"Is there anything else sir?"
"ah, no.. nothing else, thanks.."Jeongguk says, fingers gently brushing Taehyung's hair as the latter continues to sleep peacefully.
"very well then.", the attendant says bowing politely before he leaves.
***
"What are your hobbies other than taking photos?" Taehyung asks as they sat on the old dirty couch in one of the carriages that probably serves as a stock room of food; Taehyung's randomly browsing the photos he took on his camera, while Jeongguk's busy doodling on the notebook he found a while ago.
"drawing, as you can see."Jeongguk says, eyes glued on the paper, skillfully moving his pen.
"hmm.. what else?", Taehyung asks.
"I don't know, nothing in particular? just depends on my mood I guess."
"oh, how about music? Do you like music?", Taehyung asks again, putting down his camera as he placed his palms on Jeongguk's thighs, like puppy looking for treats, making Jeongguk smile, pausing what he's doing to give the beauty all the attention he wants.
"pfft.. you seem to like knowing a lot about me Tae, why?" Jeongguk asks with a smug grin on his face.
"nothing.. just curious." Taehyung shrugs.
" *sigh* I like listening to music."
"how about dancing?"
"a little bit, when I have too. Sometimes I join Hobi and Jimin in their studio for a little exercise. How about you? What are your other hobbies aside from photography?" Now it's Jeongguk's turn to ask.
"hmm.. watching movies? yeah, that and also music." Taehyung says, fishing out his phone from his pocket, playing a song.
"that's a nice song." Jeongguk says, hearing the music plays.
*
Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothin' ever seems to fit
Hangin' around
Nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
*
"yeah, The kind of song you listen to during rainy afternoons, when y'know, you just feel sad for no apparent reason." Taehyung says.
"have you ever felt that? Sad, I mean."
"how do you define sad Jeongguk-ah?"
Taehyung randomly asks as he stands up, extending his hand for Jeongguk to take; which he did. Bodies moving in sync, he then placed his hands on Taehyung's waist, while the latter drapes his arms over his shoulders; swaying in tune with the music.
"I-I don't know, if you have a reason to be sad, then i guess you'll be sad." Jeongguk says as they dance slow.
"The feeling of showing sorrow; sad is when you're unhappy, but just like this song, what if you don't have any particular reason to be sad but you just feel like it? is it valid? Will your feelings be valid? Do you think you'd always need a reason to be sad?" Taehyung asks again.
"No. I guess it's possible. Feeling sad for no reason, I mean."
"Then, do you need a reason to be happy Jeongguk?"
"That, I think yes." , Jeongguk answers.
" 'In pursuit of happiness' they say. But why would one have to pursue happiness in the first place? Doesn't everyone have the rights to be happy? To feel happy?" Taehyung says, resting his chin on Jeongguk's shoulder, and Jeongguk swears everytime this man speaks out his thoughts he's making his own beliefs waver, as if everything suddenly started making sense and not making sense at the same time.
"I -I guess.." Jeongguk speaks yet he's running out of words to say; unable to answer Kim Taehyung's random barrage of life questions.
"If you want to be happy then be happy. The only one stopping you is you yourself.”
"what if you feel like you don't deserve to be happy?" Jeongguk asks, hands slowly moving from Taehyung's waist to the dip of his back, pulling the beauty closer to him; feeling his warmth.
"Nobody deserves to feel that way Jeongguk. One does not need to search for happiness, one must learn how to create happiness." Taehyung says, delicate fingers brushing the back of Jeongguk's hair as they continued to dance.
" If I smile. If i laugh, does that mean that I'm happy?"Jeongguk asks.
"No? because for me, one's face that contorts to an expression is nothing but a mask one has chosen to show the world. Your happiness lies within. There, inside your chest. That thing that pumps out blood in your veins, and also here. That thing inside your head, the one that decides everything. " Taehyung says as he pulls back; pointing at Jeongguk's chest before pointing at the side of his head, pertaining to his heart and mind. making Jeongguk stop, eyes fixed on Kim Taehyung's fluttering lashes and warm smile, making his heart skip a beat.
' Say, how would I know if I'm happy? because right now, I kinda feel something in between.’ Jeongguk thinks as gently takes Taehyung's hand.
"would it be weird if i say that I kinda feel happy right now? Here. With you; a random stranger I just met a while ago in this train? ", Jeongguk asks.
"No. Because happiness is never weird Jeongguk. Even better actually. Happiness /is/ being weird." Taehyung says, taking a step forward.
"how do you do it?"
"do what?" Taehyung asks, looking at him with a tender smile.
"You. You, making me feel things in such a short amount of time."
"Hmm... maybe because I'm just that awesome or maybe it's all you. You being tired of being sad. You, desperately wanting to be happy. Maybe either of the two." Taehyung says, while Jeongguk felt a pang in his chest; gulping as his eyes starts to get blurry with tears; lips trembling as he finally breaks into a sob, falling on his knees.
"are you lonely Jeongguk-ah?" Taehyung once again asks, crouching down to cup Jeongguk's face, thumb gently wiping the tears on Jeongguk's cheeks.
"y-Yes… I-I maybe am." Jeongguk finally admits; voice breaking as he continued to sobbed harder this time.
"Do you want to be happy Jeongguk?" Taehyung asks.
"y-yes.. Fuck, yes."
"Then.. Congratulations. You just took one step closer to that." Taehyung says, meeting Jeongguk's eyes that's blurred with tears.
"w-what do you mean?"
" Because now you know that you're sad.", Taehyung pauses as he place a soft kiss on Jeongguk's forehead. "and I'm fucking proud of you for that.", he continues. Words breaking Jeongguk's walls once again.
"s-say, Tae... c-can I kiss you right now?" Jeongguk asks; wanting to feel more. Desperate to feel more warmth.
"you don't even need to ask." Taehyung says.. initiating the kiss this time; meeting Jeongguk's trembling lips that once again tasted salty with tears.
***
"oh, hello sir. Do you need anything?", the same attendant earlier asks, as Jeongguk walks around the carriage looking for Taehyung. After his little meltdown earlier, he and Taehyung went back to their seats to rest, but he woke up sitting alone instead.
" No, thank you." Jeongguk says.
"looking for someone perhaps?" The attendant asks, with a knowing smile on his face; making jeongguk furrow his brows, slightly confused.
"y-yeah... Have you seen Tae, no, I mean the guy i'm with earlier. The one standing as tall as me, with-"
"chestnut hair, pretty face, sweater paws and a camera hanging on his neck?" The attendant asks, describing Taehyung perfectly.
"yes, t-that guy."Jeongguk says, feeling a bit thankful that this attendant seems to know who he's talking about.
" I see, just walk straight ahead sir.
The gentleman that you're looking for should be there." The attendant says, bowing politely before walking towards the opposite side of the train.
Jeongguk then shrugs and followed the man's directions, he walked and walked; passing through the few passengers that were sitting, minding their own business on the train couches, until he reached a door connecting to the other carriage. With a deep breath, he entered it; a bit surprised that it's somehow dark, so he patted the walls, looking for the light switch, turning it on as soon as he found it only to see a full bodied mirror standing oddly out of place at the far end of the carriage; making him see his own reflection. 'w-what the fuck is this?' he thinks, stepping back to go out again, only to be welcomed by the man he has been looking for since awhile ago, while Taehyung almost jumped in shock upon seeing him.
"oh! gosh! you scared me!" Taehyung exclaimed, hands on his chest sighing in relief upon seeing Jeongguk's face.
"*sigh* I was looking for you, Tae.."
"Then what are you doing in there?" Taehyung asks, pointing at the empty carriage on Jeongguk's back.
"like I've said, I was looking for you but this part has nothing in it but a mir-... what the fuck?!" Jeongguk asks, cursing in shock, upon seeing that the empty room earlier's now filled with carts of goods.
"huh?" Taehyung asks, wondering why Jeongguk reacted like that.
"t-this, ugh... never mind. Come, let's go." Jeongguk says; thinking that he might just be still half asleep that he's seeing things, so he just took Taehyung's hand and pulled him away; shutting the door close.
***
"hey, is everything okay?" Taehyung asks. They're now at the stockroom earlier taking a few photos from the train's open window, yet Jeongguk's still thinking about what he just saw earlier.
"ah, y-yes I'm good. Did you manage to take some photos?", Jeongguk asks.
"hmm, I see. Well, yes actually, wanna see it?" Taehyung asks; handing his camera to Jeongguk who immediately browsed through the gallery, seeing shots of him, the wooden cart boxes, the train windows and some other still life.
"Not bad. They're pretty."Jeongguk says. appreciating taehyung's shots.
"really?" Taehyung says, beaming with a smile.
"yeah, they're good. You're good. "
"how about you? can I see yours?", taehyung asks
"well I guess? don't expect much, I'm not that good." Jeongguk says, handing his Leica monochrom for Taehyung to see.
"Black and white, I see. Why'd you chose this camera if I may ask?"
"I-I don't know... There's just something about it, I guess, the lack of colors seems more raw. Vulnerable. Intimate; it gives more room for mystery, imagination and feelings." Jeongguk says.
"Is that really the type of photos you want to take? Wouldn't you like to take photos with vivid colors like maybe brights and yellows? Orange sunsets?" Taehyung asks.
"No. I like it in greys and shadows. " Jeongguk says firmly, this time.
"Are you sure?" Taehyung asks again and Jeongguk doesn't know why but somehow he felt ticked off; it's as if Taehyung's questioning his art preference.
"Why do you keep on asking?! they're not your photos! they're mine!" Jeongguk suddenly snapped, startling the other.
"o-oh.. I-I'm sorry... I -" Taehyung couldn't even find his own words, he just handed Jeongguk's camera back, which made the latter feel guilty for even lashing out.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" Jeongguk pauses; aiming to touch Taehyung who just stepped back, making him pull his hand back.
"It's okay, you don't need to apologize. It's not your fault." Taehyung says with a gentle smile on his face; looking as beautiful as he first saw him in this train, but somehow it sent shivers on Jeongguk's spine; making him gulp as he suddenly felt the cold hug him all over.
"s-sorry.. I-I think I'll just go back to my seat and rest. You. j-just stay here and take photos... I want to be alone. "Jeongguk says; wrapping his arms around his shoulders; hugging himself as he walked away leaving Taehyung, who just stares at him from behind.