Chapter Text
Buck is an emotional guy. Everyone knows that. It’s probably the most said thing about him: that he’s emotional and reckless and it’s true. For the most part, because yes, everything he feels he seems to feel right down to inside his bones, and yes, he doesn’t always think about his decisions or their consequences (see the lawsuit debacle for reference); but he’s also a master at ruling that emotion. He can, if he wants, contain it all, there is a version of Buck that's stoic and in control, and that version lives very close to the surface. Buck’s open emotion is like a shiny thing, he can wave it around and make it glint in the sun and everyone will look in whatever direction he points it. Maddie tends to think she was immune from this. She had been once, but then she had left him alone in that house and he’d gotten so good at it that he can’t turn it off even for her.
So, when Maddie tells him, with a grief behind her eyes that has laid untouched for years, he swallows his anger along with a bitter taste in his mouth. He looks at the photo and he waits to feel something. Maddie takes a shuddering breath and Buck puts his hand on her arm, because even if doing it makes his skin crawl, he came here to make amends and comfort her. So he tucks away the thoughts that echo around his head, telling him that if it weren’t for this photo she would never have told him. They sit in silence until Maddie has gathered herself back together and then she talks and he wants to tell her to stop. The words ‘I don’t want to know’ stick between the tip of his tongue and the roof of his mouth for the entire story. He feels sicker with every word she says. Can practically feel his bone marrow burning inside him when she talks about it, but he can’t take his eyes off the photo and he can’t get the words out. He thinks he’s finally had enough but then Maddie says one more thing.
“I couldn’t persuade them to take you to the funeral. I screamed and screamed and trashed my room but they wouldn’t budge. My hand caught in mom’s necklace and it broke and there were pearls all over the floor. And she burst into tears, it was the first time since he died that she cried. Dad took me by the shoulders and I really thought he was going to slap me.” She chuckles like it’s such a ridiculous thing to believe their father capable of. Buck tightens his hold on his emotions. “He said that if I didn’t stop they wouldn’t let me go either,” Her eyes spill over with tears once more, “So I stopped, and I went without you. I’m sorry.”
Another time that Maddie had left him behind to add to the list.
He hears himself speak, “That’s okay, Mads.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You were nine. It’s not like I would have remembered going anyway. And churches always make babies cry.”
She hugs him and he hates it. His head creates a morbid image of him throwing her to floor and he shakes it away, belly filling with self-loathing immediately. He pulls her arms off of him.
“Thank you for telling me.” She wasn’t going to, that little voice chimes up again. “I’m going to go.”
“No, Evan!” He’s too frayed around the edges not to flinch. “Buck,” She says more softly, “Please stay here.”
“No. I really want to be in my own space right now. I’ll text you when I’m home.”
“Buck…” She says her voice dripping with disappointment.
He doesn’t kiss her and he doesn’t say he loves her. He nods at Chim in the kitchen on his way out, and somehow he knows from the set of his face that Chim has known about this for a while and something else inside of him drops away.
He climbs in his Jeep and drives on autopilot until he’s parked outside his apartment. He turns the car off and sits. He can see the light on inside and the shadows of Albert moving around inside. He bashes his head against the steering wheel hard enough to set the car alarm off, swearing under his breath as he fumbles with the keys trying to silence it. His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out to find a text.
EDDIE
How’d it go with Maddie?
Buck hovers over the call button for what feels like an actual eternity. A small part of him wants to be wrapped up in someones arms, to be reassured that he is genuinely loved. But, a larger part of him doesn’t want that. Wants to feel every moment of this… pain, or whatever it is. He thinks love might just break him right now. So he just shoots off a thumbs up emoji and knows that Eddie will take it to mean that he’s still with Maddie. He sends Maddie a text saying he got home safe then he turns his phone off. He starts the car up again and pulls away from his place. At first he just drives. That small part of him that wants comfort starts directing him towards Bobby and Athena’s but in the end he drives the other way and finds himself at a bar he used to frequent with his old roommates when he was new in LA. He sits at the end of the bar and goes for whisky, cheap and disgusting and he drinks. Boy, does he drink. The burn in his throat and the swirl in his stomach distract him from the fact that he is literally fall apart. Has been since Maddie started talking. He can feel his organs floating away from each other, his blood cells separating as if they can’t stand being near one another anymore. The more he drinks the more the anger shrinks and the relief grows, because whilst he knows that tomorrow the betrayal will hit around the same time as the hangover, right now it’s all making sense. Buck was literally born a failure. Unlike most of humanity he was brought into this world with a distinct purpose and he had failed immediately. And that stung like a son of a bitch, but at least his whole childhood made sense. Why his parents hated him just as much when he was a straight A student as they did when he was as good as a drop out. Why, when Maddie had taught him how to ride a bike and he’d dragged them outside to show off his mother had smiled tightly, shot Maddie a withering look then gone inside and not spoken to either of them for a week and a half.
He sees a familiar face across the bar and groans as a guy he knew a while back starts coming over.
“Well well well, if it isn’t firehose!” Cory greets, clapping him on the shoulder with a cheeky grin.
“Hi.” Buck greets downing the rest of his drink.
They exchange pleasantries and then Cory suggests shots and Buck knows he’s already had to much to drink, and a voice that sounds spookily like Eddie tells him to call it a night and call a cab, but his insides are still slowly drifting apart and so he says yes. Then again, and again and again. He says yes until the bar closes and Cory smiles his cheeky smile and persuades Buck to come back to his for old times sake. Buck isn’t sure if they have sex before or after they light up a joint, maybe both? He closes his eyes and tries his hardest not to think about Eddie, because even this fucked up he knows that he really shouldn’t think about Eddie when he comes, not to mention it’s kinda rude when he’s with another man. Afterwards, he lies on Cory’s futon feeling blissfully empty. Until a question pops into his head seconds before he goes to sleep, and it feels like he’s floating in it the whole night. No, drowning in it.
What would Daniel think of him?
*
Chimney is not worried because Buck is only five minutes late for his shift. And really, five minutes is not a lot. Five minutes is a slightly longer line at Starbucks than usual. So, he’s not freaking out. At all. But then Eddie walks up the stairs and stops when he sees Chim.
“Where’s Buck?”
“He’s not here yet.”
“He didn’t ride with you?”
“Why would he ride with me?”
“Well, didn’t he stay with you and Maddie last night?”
Okay, so now Chimney might be the tiniest bit worried. He gets up and stands in front of Eddie.
“No. He went home. Why would you think he stayed at mine?”
“I texted him last night to check how things went with Maddie and he just replied with a thumbs up.”
Chimney’s eyebrows rise, “So?”
“So Buck usually texts in paragraphs, unless he’s with someone.” Eddie says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and Chim is tempted to tell him that Buck does not usually text him in paragraphs. But it doesn't exactly feel appropriate given the circumstance. The possible circumstance.
“He’s only five minutes late.” Chimney says with false calmness.
“He hasn’t replied to my last three texts.” Eddie says pulling his phone out. “Should we be worried?”
“Should we be worried about what?” Bobby asks joining them from the kitchen with lunch, Hen just behind him carrying more dishes.
“Buck.”
“What’s our boy done now?” Hen says, her usual levity lacking.
“He’s late.” Eddie says.
“He and Maddie had a pretty rough conversation last night.” Chimney adds.
“I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” Bobby says reassuringly.
After half an hour he’s not picking up any of their calls. His Find My Friends app places him at home nine pm yesterday, but when they call Albert he tells them Buck didn’t come home last night and he had assumed he was staying at Maddie’s. By the time an hour has passed and Buck still seems MIA, they decide to make some calls. Bobby’s is slightly easier: Athena curses but stays on the phone as she swings by Buck’s place and confirms that it’s empty and his car’s not there. She says she’ll run his plates, see if they can find him. Chimney is literally shaking as he calls Maddie. She doesn’t pick up the first time but he knows she at home so he just calls again.
“Howi-ard,” He frowns in confusion at her greeting, “Now’s not really a good time. My parents have just come over and-“
“Buck hasn’t come to work.”
“What?”
“He’s not at home, Albert says he never came back.”
“But he texted me.”
“I know. Can you think of anywhere he might go?”
“No, I - Oh my god, this is all my fault.”
“Maddie, calm down. Athena’s out looking. We’ll find him, okay?”
He just hopes it's soon. Preferably before the Buckley luck rears it's ugly head again.