Chapter Text
Green and wet.
Those were the simplest, yet most accurate descriptors David Rose could use to describe Schitt’s Creek.
It was too woodsy. Too green.
What a strange new world he was in.
His family was forced to move to a secluded town in Washington state after their homes and fortune were seized by the IRS. Good thing Johnny Rose thought it would be funny to buy his son a town as a gag gift a few decades ago. Otherwise, they would be on the streets, instead of sharing two rooms in a rundown motel.
David tried not to think about when the last time this room was cleaned. Other than a brown apple core found on the dresser, the room looked like it had been sealed off, unused for decades.
On a positive note, the sound of the motel roof being pelted by raindrops nearly drowned out the sound of his mother sobbing in the room attached the room he shared with Alexis. Nearly, but not quite.
After investigating the towel situation in his shared space, David sighed deeply and decided to venture to the motel’s office. He noticed the windows on the office door, as well as the windows of all of the cars and buildings he saw in town, were deeply tinted. It struck David as odd. What’s the point of having windows if you are going to tint them to the point that they are almost opaque? How was it safe to drive with windows tinted that deeply? What were the citizens of Schitt’s Creek trying to hide?
The door creaked as David entered the office. He was struck with the smell of moth balls and something else he couldn’t quite place.
Of course the Motel Girl wouldn’t be there to come to his aid during his towel crisis. He rung the bell on the desk somewhat combatively. To his horror, the bell didn’t make a sound.
“Yeah, that’s been broken for years,” Motel Girl said as she came from the back room. “Can I help you?”
“Yes,” David gasped. “I need a new towel. Immediately.”
He looked at her name tag with the name “Stevie” written across it in capital letters. David tried to commit that name to memory, but he also hoped he wouldn’t need to remember the names of anyone in this wasteland. He aggressively hoped his family would be out of this dump any minute now or he would wake in a stranger’s bed and realize this was all just a vivid nightmare.
Stevie rolled her eyes and returned to the storage room behind the desk. She wordlessly handed David a towel.
“Okay, but like do you have anything nicer than this? Preferably, something one hundred percent cotton instead of whatever blended situation this is,” David said, eyeing the towel with disgust.
“Sorry, all of our Egyptian cotton towels are being used by our premium guests. I could put you on a waiting list though,” Stevie said, her gruff voice dripping with sarcasm.
David huffed and turned to leave the office. The door creaked in protest as David yanked it open. He took a deep breath and as his lungs filled with fresh air, he realized how weird that interaction was. Something about Stevie’s presence made him mildly uncomfortable, but he couldn’t quite place it.
As David made his way back to his shared motel room, he audibly gasped when he realized what the other smell was.
“Wet dog” he whispered to himself, finally placing the secondary scent of the office. “She smelled like a wet dog.”
David entered the motel room to find his sister sprawled out on her bed, scrolling aimlessly through Twitter.
“Kids?” Johnny called from the attached room. “It’s getting late. We should head to the diner for dinner.”
Alexis groaned dramatically in response, but was already getting up to put on her shoes.
David gingerly placed the towel on the bathroom sink before meeting his family outside of the door.
The rain had slowed to a light drizzle as the family made their way down Main Street. His mother, huddled under an umbrella, was uncharacteristically silent.
The family passed by a row of houses. As they walked, David eyed the home of the weird mayor who drove them into town. He couldn’t help but smirk a little as he read the sign in front of their home saying “The Schitt Family Welcomes You.” Schitt sounded about right.
He noticed an ugly, old pickup truck with rusting orange paint in front of the house. David looked at the for sale sign on the windshield with revulsion. Good luck selling that piece of shit.
The Roses finally made it to Cafe Tropical. David wondered how many health department codes this place violated.
As the family entered the restaurant, every patron and employee stopped and stared. David knew this was a small town in the middle of nowhere. He expected to be treated like outsiders because they didn’t belong here. But the reaction the townspeople had to newcomers seemed quite extreme.
The most jarring reaction comes from a waitress. She stared at the family with jet black, soulless eyes. A ring of bruising surrounded her dark eyes.
“Can I help you?” The waitress asked tersely without blinking.
“Yes, my family and I would like to sit and get a bite to eat,” Johnny responded.
The waitress snarled in response.
“TWYLA, STOP!” Shouted a curvy woman with short hair and large, topaz eyes. She jumped up and rushed to the waitress, grabbed her arms and pulled her away. The waitress, Twyla apparently, just let the other woman lead her to the back of the restaurant. The pair disappeared into the kitchen.
David shot a look towards Alexis, eager to see her reaction. Alexis was staring at something on her phone, completely oblivious to the scene unfolding in front of her.
The woman who dragged Twyla away emerged from the kitchen a moment later.
“Hi, I’m Ronnie. You must be the Roses,” She said as she gathered an armful of menus. Ronnie handed the menus to Johnny and gestured towards an empty booth. “We don’t get a lot of out of towners here,” she added somewhat sheepishly.
The family hesitantly sat in the offered booth. Moira and Alexis were still unconcerned with Twyla’s unusual behavior as they studied their comically large menus.
“So sorry about that!” Twyla said, as she approached the table moments later.
David just stared at her with his eyebrows furrowed. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands to feel more secure. Suddenly, he inexplicably felt extremely calm. What had just happened?
“Oh! My eventide pharmaceuticals must be taking effect!” Moira crooned excitedly.
David wondered if somehow she had slipped him something. Why did he suddenly feel so at ease?
The rest of the meal went by without much incident, but David couldn’t stop thinking about how everyone in the cafe stared when they entered the restaurant.
After the Roses finished their moderately edible food, they trekked back to the motel. It was raining harder, so the family rushed to their new, hopefully temporary home.
David and Alexis got into a squabble over who should get to use the bathroom first. According to David, it should be him because he ended up with the less desirable bed.
Alexis tossed her head back and groaned dramatically.
David saw his chance and rushed into the small bathroom. He took a lengthy shower even though the motel had shitty water pressure. David dried off and put his pajamas on. He took his time working his way through his skincare routine. The longer he took to complete the nine step process, the longer it would be until he had to think about the reality of his situation.
After emerging from the bathroom, David made his way over to his bed. He felt sick to his stomach thinking about how he would have to touch the linens, let alone sleep in them. The man took a deep breath and mustered as much bravery as he could before removing the comforter and putting it at the foot of his bed. He took a t-shirt and put it on top of the pillow and eventually burrowed between the fitted and flat sheets.
David held in his urge to scream in anguish when he laid down and the sheets smelled like cigarettes. He looked at his phone absently, but his mind kept drifting to the bizarre locals in the cafe.
When Alexis came out of the bathroom, David was dying to recap this evening’s events.
“I don’t know, David. She was probably just like on something.” Alexis said, carelessly. “One time, I was at a warehouse party with members of a Russian street gang. I was on so many things I just stared and snarled at people too, Day-vid.”
Alexis signified the conversation was over by putting her earbuds in.
David laid in the darkness and let the pitter patter of rain lull him to sleep. The man dreamt he was in the forest, surrounded by evergreen trees and no escape.
David slept fitfully before he awoke way too early with a start. He heard distinct howling in the distance.
“Alexis?!” David said in a panicked whisper.
He got no response.
“Alexis,” He repeated in a louder voice.
“What?” She said as she sleepily removed an earbud.
“Did you hear that noise?” David asked before continuing. “That noise from outside? It was definitely some sort of animal.”
“Ew, David.” Alexis sighed. “You woke me up for that? Its probably just like a deer or something. Go back to sleep.”
David didn’t know much about the wildlife in Schitt’s Creek, but he knew there was no way in hell the sound he heard was a deer.
The Roses struggled to adjust to life in Schitt’s Creek. It seemed like half of the residents in Schitt’s Creek seemed to quickly adapt and welcome the Roses, while the rest still gaped when a Rose entered the room.
The next time the family ate at Cafe Tropical, David noticed something. Twyla’s face looked different. Gone were the dark circles and black irises. Instead, she had pale skin and brilliant topaz eyes. She approached the Roses with a smile and only breathed out of her mouth.
The situation still made David curious, but maybe Alexis was right. Maybe Twyla was just on something.
At the end of their first week in town, Johnny tasked his adult children with finding jobs. Alexis managed to materialize a job out of thin air working at the town’s clinic. David, on the other hand, was a little bit stuck. He didn’t even know where to begin with his job hunt. Schitt’s Creek didn’t have an art galleries, and he didn’t have a car or any way to get to art galleries in other towns.
Without much thought, David wandered to the motel office. He and Stevie had formed somewhat of a playful acquaintanceship. Together, they poured through the newspaper classifieds searching for a job for David.
Two listings stuck out to Stevie. A position washing dishes at the cafe. She pointed out that it was walkable and he pretty much spent a large amount of time there anyway. David immediately dismissed that option. Washing dishes seemed incorrect and something about the cafe still slightly unsettled him.
The second listing was for a part-time sales associate at Schitt’s Creek General Store. It was also walkable and seemed slightly more dignified. Stevie also knew the owner and said he was sarcastic and had good sense of humor.
David decided to check out the general store in hopes he would return to the motel before it started raining.
It took less than ten minutes to walk to the store. The location directly across the street from the cafe was also convenient for potential lunch breaks.
David entered the store and looked around. It was nice, but it needed work. The color scheme was incorrect. The walls were an angry dark blue. If David had designed the place, he would have picked a simple sand and stone color palette. With a different interior color scheme, customers’ eyes would be drawn to the products instead of the dark walls.
“Incorrect,” David said under his breath as he eyed a distasteful display of toilet brushes and plungers right near the door. Was this guy trying to run his business into the ground?
“Excuse me?” A voice responded from the back of the store.
A pale compact man with light brown hair wearing a dark blue button down materialized in front of David. David was immediately drawn to the man’s onyx eyes that were staring intently at him. He wasn’t going to lie this man was very attractive, but the stranger’s gaze made David feel flustered and exposed.
“Um. I just think it’s incorrect to have the toilet plungers and brushes at the front of the store like this. It is the first thing a customer sees and it’s kind of gross. I also think the soap should be organized differently” David explained.
The shop owner just continued to stare at David in confusion.
“I’m David. David Rose.” He said reaching out a hand to shake.
“Patrick,” the shop owner said, glaring at David’s outstretched hand.
Patrick swiftly turned and walked towards the counter. “Is there anything I can help you with or are you just here to criticize my store displays?” He said nonchalantly.
“Actually, yes,” David started. “I saw an ad in the paper that you were looking for a part-time sales ass—“
“No.” Patrick interrupted from behind the counter. “I can’t hire you.”
David strutted over towards the counter confidently. He felt defensive towards this stranger’s attitude. Why was he so quick to dismiss David?
On his way to the counter, David passed a fan that was powered on and oscillating. Patrick hand flew up and covered his nose and mouth. David’s eyebrows rose into his hairline. Was David being denied a part-time job because this small town store owner thought he smelled bad? He wore designer cologne and had terrific taste. What was this guy’s problem?
Patrick quickly recovered and removed his hand from his face. He stopped breathing all together and gripped the top of the counter.
“I’m actually not hiring,” Patrick said through gritted teeth. “If you’re not going to buy anything, I need you to leave.”
David stared at Patrick’s white knuckles before turning and leaving.
“What the fuck?” David said after he exited the store.
Once he was out of view of the store, David turned his nose towards his right armpit and took a large inhale. He smelled fine!
What the fuck was wrong with that store owner?