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Shit went down on a Friday afternoon.
Although the whole world was in quarantine, BTS's schedule was still as packed as it possibly could be. And it was not an exception for that particular Friday. At least not in the sense of schedule. What was exceptional, however, was the fact that Taehyung was on knees in the middle of the band's changing room and deepthroating a rather big dick like his life depended on it.
Of course he stopped the second he heard the whole band walking into the room, but he was not fast enough. They had all seen him drooling on a dick rather enthusiastically, and to make the matters worse, the moment Taehyung stood up, they also saw his raging boner.
Yoongi was the first to break the silents. “You gotta be kidding me.”
Taehyung was too afraid to look up or to answer the sarcastic comment. Thus, the only sound present for the next 30 seconds was the rustling of clothes as the stranger who got his dick wet was putting on clothes and ran out of the room, enthusiastic to get out of the awkward situation.
“Tae, are you alright?” asked Seokjin, concern clearly present in his voice.
Hearing his hyung, Taehyung finally looked up, putting on a brave face “I would be better if you hadn't come in while I had a dick down my throat.”
That was all it took to break the awkward silents between the bandmates. A laugh erupted between them, as they tried to shake off the last awkward feelings.
There were no more questions asked from Taehyng, everyone went on with their day like nothing had happened. But the incident was not forgotten.
Although there was no 'the talk', questions about Taehyung's sexuality or his preferences, the incident was still brought up in conversations.
At first, it slipped into the conversations unnoticed. Just a little comment, such as 'like taehyung that one time' or 'don't forget to knock on the dressing room'. Taehyung gave no reactions to the comments. Mostly, he acted like they didn't bother him at all. But behind the closed doors, Taehyung was getting more and more anxious every day.
At first, Taehyung wasn't sure what to think of the comments. He just ignored them because addressing them felt like an emotionally tiring job. He also tried to ignore the heavy feeling on his stomach, which was always present when a comment about the incident was made.
Eventually, he identified the heavy feeling as anxiety. He was worried that his bandmates, who he held so dearly close to his heart, would not accept him. Heck, they hadn't even asked him if he was gay, so they must think that he was disgusting, a perfect punchline for every joke ever made. Thus, he intended to ignore the topic and hoped that it would be eventually forgotten.
But over time the heavy feeling in his stomach got harder and harder to ignore. It grew bigger with each comment, reference or joke made by the incident. In the end, the feeling became so overpowering that Taehyung couldn't handle any comments made by him. He automatically thought that he was made fun off, or that he had messed up again, just like that time when he was caught sucking a dick.
Taehyung started avoiding his bandmates. He fled as soon as practises or interviews ended, giving his best to not engage in a conversation with others. But however hard he tried, he still couldn't completely shut them out.
So shit hit the fan on a Monday morning.
The dance practice was about to start when Taehyung walked into the room. Others gave him a quick look and a muttered hello without making a big deal of the dark circles under his eyes. They were all always tired after all.
What they didn't know, however, was that Taehyung hadn't had any decent sleep for almost three weeks. Anxiety kept him up all night, made him think of all the possible ways his bandmates could hate him, and what they could say about him. Anxiety had eaten him up, consumed him like nothing else in the world ever could.
Everything in Taehyung was so on edge, ready to break and give up so completely, that when Hoseok stopped the music in the middle of a choreo for the third time, Taehyung was sure it was because of him.
“Yoongi-hyung, you got the turn wrong again, and Tae don't forget to lock your arms properly,” saied Hoseok, no judgement in his voice. He was just giving pointers after all, and the choreography was rather new so it was natural that mistakes were made.
Taehyung's anxiety-ridden mind, however, did not understand it. Before he knew it, his body was shaking all over, his breath was coming out in short uneven gasps and tears were starting to spill from his eyes.
“Tae, are you all right?” asked Jimin, who had stood next to him and was thus the first to notice that something was wrong.
Taehyung tried to answer him, but he didn't have any air in his lungs to do so. Instead, he started to gasp more hysterically than before, not getting any air in, tears running down his face.
“Tae! Hey, Tae, breath!” Everyone was looking at him now. And he was still not getting any air!
He was a minute from passing out when he suddenly felt a pair of arms around him, pressing his own across his chest and holding his chest firmly against Taehyung's back.
“Five in, hold for two, and seven out. Come on, Tae, you can do it.” The voice belonged to Yoongi, who had come to the rescue the second when he recognised a panic attack. His strong hold, low voice and steady movement of his chest against Taehyung's back brought him back to the moment, one breath at a time.
After ten minutes, when tears were not streaming down his face any more and his breathing had turned back to normal, Namjoon approached the two now sitting on the floor, Yoongi's arms still surrounding Taehyung, offering a bottle of water.
“Thanks,” said Taehyung, voice wavering. He didn't look up to meet Namjoon's eyes when he accepted the bottle and drank most of it.
“Can you tell us what's wrong?” asked Yoongi gently. He was still sitting behind Taehyung, but to the vocalist's dismay, had removed his arms from around him.
“I'm sorry,” answered Taehyung quietly, still looking at the floor. “I messed up again and it's okay that you hate me just please give me some time, I've almost got it, I promise.”
Because he was looking down, he totally missed the shocked and worried looks his bandmates were sharing between themselves.
“What do you mean you messed up again?” asked Hoseok, looking confused, “You have mastered all the other choreos, there is nothing wrong with your dancing.”
“But I make you uncomfortable!” argued Taehyung feverishly, fresh tears in his eyes.
“What are you talking about?” asked Seokjin. Everyone was looking at Taehyung with utter confusion, not understanding what could make him so upset.
“I'm gay! And I can see that you are not okay with this and if I could fix myself I would, but I just can't! And the fact that I'm the punchline of every joke because of my sexuality makes me sick. I would never hit on any of you, I promise! You're my brothers! It just… It hurts me so goddamn much.”
His rant had become progressively quieter. In the end, he was barely whispering, feeling overdramatic. Why can't he just move on?
There was a beat of silents in the room.
“Tae, you know I'm gay, right?”
Taehyung whipped his head up, looking straight towards Jimin who had spoken just a second ago.
“What?”
“I'm like, 100% gay. Never looked at a boob in my life.” explained Jimin calmly, sitting leisurely on the floor like there were no worries in the world.
“What?” Taehyung still didn't get it. “But all the jokes and…” He trailed off, brows furrowed in confusion, trying to put the puzzle pieces in his head together.
“Oh my god, Tae we're so sorry! We thought that the jokes would make you feel more comfortable with yourself, that it would make you understand that nothing had changed between us,” explained Namjoon. Panic had taken over his face, sincerity reflecting back from it.
“We have nothing against you being gay, I swear!” assured Jeongguk frantically.
“I'm really sorry we made you feel that way. Please don't hate us.” Even Yoongi was pleading, and that was saying something.
“Oh,” Taehyung had finally looked up from the floor, staring each member in the eye to make sure that they were not playing with him. He was met with apologetic and sincere gazes.
Things were definitely not fine yet, they were in fact far from it at that moment. But it was a start. Taehyung's overpowering anxiety didn't vanish overnight, and for a long time, he had a really hard time opening up to any of the men he used to call his brothers. But time tends to heal all wounds, and even if this healing would take all the time in the world, deep down Taehyung knew that his brothers were patient enough to wait for him.