Archive of Our Own

Once everyone had left, he locked the front door and turned around. He was finally alone in his new home. It didn’t feel like home yet. Everything was still in boxes and the walls were bare, waiting to be filled with pictures or art or whatever else he wanted. This was his house now and he could do as he pleased with it.

He was grateful that his friends had helped him move, but he wished they’d stayed a little longer. This was the first time he’d lived by himself; he wondered how long it would take him to get used to it. He noticed the quiet almost immediately. No music coming from Yoongi’s room, no clattering as Jimin attempted to cook in the kitchen, no singing from Hoseok in the shower, no nothing.

It was a big house, and without anyone else it felt very empty.

‘Tae, this house is huge,’ Yoongi had said when he’d shown him the listing. ‘Do you really need six bedrooms?’

Of course, he didn’t need six bedrooms. He lived here by himself. But the house was a bit of a fixer-upper and he loved decorating. Being an interior designer helped with that part. So, it would keep him occupied for a while; provide a welcome distraction.

He walked through the overly large entryway, down the hallway and into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and took out a beer. He probably should have thought about getting some food in, but for now beer would do. He’d made sure to pack some boxes strategically so he could find certain things without having to search for them. He found one of those boxes sitting on his kitchen table, so he opened it and took out the framed pictures he’d made sure to leave accessible and his speakers.

He put the pictures on the kitchen windowsill. One of his family, one of him sat on a beach with a cocktail and one of him with his friends at Yoongi and Jimin’s engagement party. He knew he’d want pictures out straight away to make it feel more like home. There were four frames in this set, but the picture that still occupied the fourth wasn’t appropriate to display anymore. That was in another box.

Connecting his phone to his speaker, he started to play some music to chase away the silence. He walked through into his spacious living room and stood looking out of the window. He had five acres of land surrounding this house; more space than he knew what to do with. The sun was setting, casting a beautiful orange glow over the gardens.

He’d miss living with his friends, but they’d all outgrown that small, shared apartment. Yoongi and Jimin were getting married in less than a year, they needed their own space. Hoseok had been spending more and more time at his girlfriend’s apartment until it seemed he was spending more time at hers than he was at theirs. That wasn’t unexpected; they had been together for almost two years.

He was happy for his friends, but his happiness for them brought with it a tinge of sadness.

He suddenly realised how tired he was. Moving was always tiring. He walked upstairs and flopped down onto his bed, one of the only pieces of furniture he currently owned. He scrolled through his phone, searching for somewhere near him that did takeout. Jimin had texted him to say they were missing him already and Hoseok had sent pictures of the enormous pizza him and his girlfriend had ordered. He replied thanking them again for helping him move in.

Once his food arrived and he’d dug out a plate and some cutlery, he walked back upstairs with his dinner, hoping to find some Netflix film that he could fall asleep watching. He paused for a moment at the top of the stairs and looked back. He was trying to convince himself that what he was feeling would go away soon. That he could move past it and he would be better off here. He was safer now.

It didn’t go away though. It lingered in his mind and followed him around his big house. It threatened to suffocate him if he gave into it, so he did whatever he could to distract himself from it.

The feeling that now, until who knows when, he was completely alone.

He stepped out of the car, hearing the gravel crunch beneath his boots. He’d lost count of how many diners he’d stopped at so far. That had been something he’d wanted to do when he was travelling the US for some reason, eat at diners. It seemed like one of those things you just had to do.

His hair fell down into his face as he sat down at a table. It had gotten so long he could tie it back at this point. He never did though. People always told him that he looked better with his hair down. Well, maybe not people, but one person.

It had been four months since he started travelling and he had no plans to go home yet.  It was a pretty spontaneous decision; cash in his savings and hit the road. He’d just needed to get away, do something different. Buying an old El Dorado and driving across another country definitely felt like something different.

He’d managed to make some money along the way busking. His guitar always came in handy for making some cash when he wasn’t sure if he was going to make ends meet. That was part of the joy of travelling he’d thought, going for as long as you could until you ran out of money and not knowing what was coming next. That and seeing more stars than you ever thought existed.

There were times when he felt like he could reach up and touch the sky. Like he was free. Those were the best kind of times, when he felt like this had been the right thing to do.

A noise from his phone brought his attention back to reality. It wasn’t the usual noise it made when he got a message, it was the noise to signal he’d received an e-mail. Very few people ever e-mailed him, which meant it was most likely from Jimin. That thought brought a smile to his face. He missed his pint-sized friend. He unlocked his phone to find that his suspicions had been correct.

‘Kookie,’ it read.

‘I trust you’re staying safe and well.’

Jimin always had a way of sounding formal in his e-mails, despite the fact they had been friends for years.

‘As you know, Yoongi and I have been engaged for a year now. So, this is a wedding invitation. We would have sent you a physical one, but who knows where you are at any given time.

‘It isn’t until later in the year, so there’s no excuse for not being there. I know what you’re like, I need to get you pinned down as far in advance as possible. You really have no choice, you come to my wedding or I will fly over to the US, find you and kill you.’

The details were all listed. He had just over six months before he’d need to be there.

‘But seriously, it really would mean the world to me if you were there. And one last thing, if you do decide to grace us with your presence on the day, I would love it if you would be my best man. No pressure. Let me know what you think.

‘I hope you’re ok Kookie, send us an update soon. I miss you,

‘Jimin.’

He felt a pang of guilt at the last line. It really had been too long since he’d spoken properly to his friends, or his family for that matter. He had sent them updates every week or so at first, but the longer he stayed the longer the breaks between contact became. That worked for him though; the less he spoke to them the less he was reminded of why he left.

He knew he couldn’t miss Jimin’s wedding, even if he usually hated dressing up and sitting through formal occasions. It would be the happiest day of Jimin and Yoongi’s lives, and he needed to be there.

He faltered at the idea of being best man though. He had known Jimin since they were barely teenagers and Jimin knew him better than anybody. But he remembered the hurt look on Jimin’s face the last time they’d spoken in person, the look he had caused. He still regretted his words after Jimin had accused him of running; of being scared of how strong his feelings were. He had later apologised profusely and Jimin had accepted, but a tension had remained ever since. One that he suspected Jimin was trying to diffuse with this gesture.

Sipping on his coffee, he composed his response. He said all the right things. Of course, he would be back for the wedding and he would be honoured to be his best man. Did this mean he was responsible for organising his bachelor party? He would send them an update soon. He missed them both.

Six months. He would be home before then he suspected. He would need to be, if only to mentally prepare. Jimin would want a big wedding and as best man he’d presumably have some form of responsibility. That would be the first time in a while that he’d had any.

It would also be the first time he’d see him since he left, the man in the picture he kept tucked in his wallet. Not showing, but there if he wanted to look at it. He never did though, it was too painful to think of him.

The man he’d left alone.

Six months later, he stood looking around him at the newly painted room. He had paint smeared across his cheek and splattered all across his overalls, but he still had a big smile on his face. After half a year, the fifth and final guest bedroom had finally been painted. It would have been done much earlier had he not insisted on doing it all himself. But this was his house and he wanted to do it his way. His own room and the other four bedrooms had all been perfectly decorated, but he’d been putting off doing this one until now.

He sat down and wiped his forehead. He checked his phone and noticed he had two missed calls from Yoongi. He knew they would just be to make sure he was still coming out later, so he texted him to let him know that he was. His friends were all worried that he’d become some kind of recluse, but he just told them that not seeing him as often was only natural now that they didn’t live together anymore. He wasn’t sure whether even he believed that.

He would have to start getting ready soon, he would not be popular if he was late and would probably have to endure some kind of alcoholic penalty. Maybe a beer or two beforehand would ease him into the mood for a bachelor party. But first, definitely a shower.

As the water ran over him, he thought about what the night was going to be like. As their friendship group overlapped a lot, but they still for some reason decided to have their bachelor parties on the same night, Jimin and Yoongi had divided their shared friends into two groups. One that would go out with Jimin and another that would go with Yoongi.

Despite having known Jimin for longer, he found himself in the Yoongi group, and he knew why. Yoongi’s night had been organised by Namjoon, which meant it was likely planned down to the last detail and there would be less room for wild spontaneity.

Jimin’s party on the other hand had been organised by the one person he did not want to see. Or more accurately, wanted to see more than anyone else in the world, but who had broken his heart almost a year ago and likely wouldn’t want to see him. If he’d had to go to that party, he would have either gotten embarrassingly drunk or cried all night. Likely both.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He tried to shake the thoughts about Jimin’s party. He wanted to have fun tonight and was going to try his best not to be a killjoy for Yoongi. If he couldn’t handle the bachelor party, then he definitely wouldn’t be able to handle the actual wedding the following week. 

He decided he did need at least one beer first. Seokjin was picking him up so he didn’t need to worry about driving anywhere.

He got dressed quickly so he didn’t overthink his outfit and sprayed on some cologne. It had been quite a while since he’d dressed this nicely, it felt good. He checked himself in the mirror and made an attempt to fix his hair before heading downstairs to the kitchen.

The house was practically unrecognisable from the empty space he’d moved into. Each room had been meticulously decorated to match his vision. It had taken him a long time, but he was very proud of the outcome. He’d had to hire a gardener for the outside, there was no way he could keep up with that too. But doing the inside was good enough.

He’d put off having a housewarming party. He claimed that he wanted to have the house looking as good as possible before he had it. In reality he was hoping that if he left it long enough people would forget.

He opened a beer he’d pulled from the fridge and took a swig. He shouldn’t be nervous about this. It was a party; it was going to be fun. He just prayed to God that the two groups didn’t meet up at any point during the night. That would be the kind of thing Jimin would probably love to do. And if Jimin wanted to do it, he should be allowed. It was his night. He could always just leave if he needed to.

As he sipped his beer, he looked over at the pictures lined up on his windowsill. The same ones that he’d put there when he’d first moved in. He smiled at the one of him and Hoseok with Jimin, and Yoongi in their old apartment at their party. But, every time he looked at these photos, he was reminded of the fourth. The one that hadn’t been put out with the others.

It was still in the box he’d moved it in; the only box he’d never unpacked. The one with what had been their stuff in. Maybe he’d get to it one day.

He heard the doorbell ring and took a deep breath.

Considering he’d been in charge of organising this evening it was going pretty well. He looked over at Jimin, who was laughing at something Hoseok had said and was very clearly drunk. That was the main thing, wasn’t it? As long as the bachelor was happy things were on the right track.

Jimin had initially raised his eyebrows at the suggestion that they start off at his apartment. But luckily it didn’t take many shots to get Jimin tipsy, and he knew the rules to a lot of drinking games. He didn’t know any of Jimin’s friends other than Hoseok either, so alcohol was the perfect icebreaker.

From there it had been more or less a bar crawl. He knew a strip club or something like that was a bad idea. He’d given them all challenges to complete at each venue, which he pretended he’d planned in advance. Only one challenge had gotten them kicked out of a bar, for dancing on the tables, so all in all it had been a success.

It was nearing 1am when they decided to stay put in their fifth bar of the night. It was mainly so they didn’t have to do anymore walking.

He stood at the bar sipping a glass of water slowly. They’d been drinking for hours and as he was staying at Jimin’s apartment that night he thought at least one of them should stay somewhat in control. That person certainly wasn’t going to be Jimin.

As he looked back over to their table, he could see Jimin walking towards him. He was thankful that whilst it didn’t take much to get his friend tipsy, he could hold his drink once they got going. He was still swaying a little as he walked, and the giddy smile plastered over his face definitely betrayed his intoxication, but he was at least moving in a straight line.

‘Kook, that isn’t water is it?’ Jimin asked him.

‘One of us has to be able to see straight if we’re going to get home,’ he replied with a wink.

The bartender moved over to them and Jimin ordered two vodka cokes.

‘Double fisting Jiminie?’ he asked.

‘No silly, the second one is for you.’

He should have known that any attempt to not have alcohol isn’t his glass would be futile once Jimin caught wind of it. Better not to resist.

‘Are you having a good time?’ he asked.

‘The best,’ Jimin replied. ‘Thank you for organising this Kookie, I know responsibility isn’t really your thing.’

‘Ha ha,’ he said drily.

Jimin was right. He would never have volunteered for a position that involved being in charge, but he wasn’t doing too badly so far.

‘How are you feeling about next week?’

‘I can’t wait,’ Jimin beamed. ‘It feels like we’ve been planning it forever and it’s finally here. I can’t wait to be married.’

Seeing Jimin so genuinely happy almost made him tear up. His friend deserved all this happiness and more. He only wished he could be that happy. He’d had the chance once, but he’d run from it.

‘You know you’ll have to see him, right?’ Jimin asked after a moment.

He knew this conversation was coming. The topic had been an elephant in the room ever since he got back, but he’d avoided it like the plague, nonetheless. He’d half expected to have to see him tonight, but he was at Yoongi’s party.

‘I know,’ he replied quietly.

‘Have you spoken to him?’

‘You know I haven’t,’ he said. ‘How is he?’

He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer.

‘I can’t lie to you Kook, he isn’t great. He hasn’t been since you left. You really did a number on him.’

Now he really wished he hadn’t asked. That definitely isn’t the answer he wanted. He’d never intended to hurt him; he’d just handled everything so badly.

‘He’s probably much more nervous to see you than you are to see him, if that’s any help.’

That was of no help whatsoever.

‘Just be kind to him next week Kook,’ Jimin said. ‘You don’t have to spend a lot of time together, but you have to at least say hello.’

‘Of course, I’ll be kind to him,’ he snapped. ‘What makes you think I wouldn’t be?’

Jimin went to speak but stopped himself. An awkward pause hung over them.

‘Well?’

‘You weren’t very kind to him last year,’ Jimin said quietly.

That hit him harder than he’d expected. He knew how Jimin felt about his actions, but after they’d argued they hadn’t spoken about it again. Best not to reopen old wounds.

‘I’m sorry that was-‘ Jimin started.

‘It’s fine,’ he said, putting on a clearly fake smile.

He decided he didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

‘Let’s get back to everyone,’ he said before Jimin could attempt to continue the conversation. ‘Take my drink back to the table, will you? I just need to go to the bathroom.’

He quickly turned and walked away

There was a thought nagging him. It had been there for a year now, but he’d ignored it, not wanting to face what acknowledging it might mean.

Maybe he’d made a mistake.

‘Yoongi, stop messing with it. You look great.’

He could see Yoongi fixing and re-fixing his hair in the reflection as he tied his tie. He could tell it was just nerves getting to him, it was his big day after all.

Much like the bachelor parties, Jimin and Yoongi had dived their friends into two parties as groomsmen. He once again fell into the Yoongi party, again he suspected to reduce the time he would have to spend in you-know-who’s presence.

He’d psyched himself up for this. Today was not about him and he was not going to bring the mood down in any way. If he needed to cry or scream or run a mile, he could take himself away to somewhere private. He almost wished he’d been in Jimin’s party so he could have gotten any awkwardness out of the way before the ceremony. Like ripping a plaster off.

Not that the awkwardness would dissipate quickly, it was bound to linger for the entire day.

Seokjin popped open a bottle of champagne. It was a wedding after all, and they needed something to calm Yoongi’s nerves before he started climbing the walls. There was an hour to go before the ceremony; the cars would be arriving in around twenty minutes. He’d been with Yoongi to their venue earlier that day to make sure everything was perfect. It was.

He’d been put in charge of decorating the venue, a beautiful, spacious converted barn. He’d spent hours deciding on the perfect combination of lighting and flowers, sketching designs and making mood boards to present to the couple. He knew what Jimin would want and had leaned in that direction, knowing that Yoongi would be happy with whatever made Jimin happy. He was glad he could add something to their special day.

The champagne did seem to have a calming effect, but they knew it would only be temporary. Yoongi’s nerves were endearing. He knew they weren’t the cold feet kind of nerves. They were excited nerves. He was so excited to finally be married to Jimin.

They were all ready and now only had to wait. This was the first wedding amongst their friends. They were all excited to see their friends so happy. They spent most of the twenty minutes assuring Yoongi that everything would go exactly according to plan. Yoongi only had one glass of champagne but he had three, it wasn’t his wedding after all. He needed the courage.

The cars arrived and Yoongi, Namjoon and Seokjin headed downstairs, whilst he hung back to put on his jacket. He took a last look in the mirror. He looked good he had to admit, but that wouldn’t make his upcoming reunion any easier.

Before heading out he downed another glass of champagne. He was going to need it.

He was surprised at how calm Jimin seemed to be. He thought that he might actually be more nervous than he was, and it wasn’t his wedding. Jimin didn’t need to be nervous, he was ready for this.

They were in the car on the way to the venue. Jimin was quiet, but that wasn’t unusual for him just before an important event. Hoseok and Jimin’s brother chatted quietly in the seats behind them. They didn’t know each other very well, so it wasn’t much more than small talk, but he was grateful for something to break the silence. Jimin had asked that they don’t listen to the radio, he’d said he wanted the next song he heard to be the one he walked down the aisle to.

They pulled into the driveway of the venue and he heard Jimin take a deep breath. The anticipation was building. He gasped as they finally rounded the last corner and the barn came into view. It was beautiful. A trial of blossom led from the courtyard, through an arch adorned with gorgeous white flowers, and into the building. He knew who’d been in charge of decorating and they’d done an incredible job. He always did.

As they all stepped out of the car, Jimin came up beside him and gently took his hand. He turned to look at his best friend and noticed the tears building in his eyes. They were unmistakably happy tears; a lot of emotions running through him at once. He gave Jimin’s hand a squeeze and felt Jimin give him one back. It wasn’t a thank you, it was reassurance. Jimin knew he was nervous and was letting him know that was ok.

‘Thank you for being here with me,’ Jimin said, trying his best not to cry.

‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ he replied, tears forming in his own eyes.

He pulled Jimin into a tight hug.

‘Right,’ he said, shaking off the possibility of crying. ‘Let’s go inside.’

He saw Yoongi’s car pull up just as they walked through the entrance. The barn had two small reception rooms on either side of the main entryway, one of which Jimin and his party filed into. Yoongi’s group would make their way into the other. He thought the concept of not seeing each other before the ceremony was cute, if a little much. They’d stayed in separate rooms in a hotel and arranged for their cars to arrive ten minutes apart, so they didn’t see each other when they were picked up.

The guests began to arrive about five minutes later. It wasn’t a huge affair with hundreds of people, but there was still around fifty or sixty. Jimin’s family and friends sat on the left of the aisle; Yoongi’s on the right. They were going to walk down the aisle together, preceded by their groomsmen. Since there were no bridesmaids, they had paired the groomsmen up. He would walk down first with Namjoon, followed by Jimin’s brother and Seokjin and finally Hoseok with him before Jimin and Yoongi.

The moment had finally come. He gave Jimin one last big hug before heading out into the entryway to meet with the others. He said hello to Namjoon and Seokjin before finally seeing him. It had been a whole year. He looked exactly the same and yet totally different all at once. He still held himself in exactly the same way, his posture and his stance, just as he remembered. But he’d dyed his hair a honey blonde and he looked thinner. He’d always been slim, but this looked more than that.

He steeled himself and walked over. He’d been thinking a lot about this and he’d made a decision. It wasn’t the right moment to bring it up, but he had to start somewhere.

‘Hi Tae,’ he said with a small smile.

‘Hi Kook.’

He opened his arms to go in for a hug.

‘Please don’t,’ the other man said quietly.

‘What?’ he said.

He hadn’t expected this to be easy, but it was clearly going to be more difficult than he’d anticipated.

‘Please.’

He could see tears in the corners of his eyes. These weren’t happy tears.

‘Oh,’ was the only thing that came to him. ‘Ok.’

He stepped away to join Namjoon by the doors. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t let that interaction affect his enjoyment of this day.

The music began to play, and the doors opened.

The ceremony had been truly perfect. He had cried a lot when they walked down the aisle, and when they read their vows, and basically throughout the entire thing. They looked so blissfully happy it made his heart feel so full it would almost burst.

He was especially thankful that he’d managed not to let his emotions about his incredibly awkward encounter overshadow the joy of this moment. He should probably have accepted the hug, but his words had come out of his mouth before he realised he’d said them. Seeing him had hit like a truck. He knew he should try to talk to him later. They’d have to keep seeing each other ongoing, so he had to at least try.

For now, he stood outside with everyone else waiting for his turn to be in the pictures. Inside, the set up from the ceremony was being rearranged and tables brought in for the next stage of the day, the dinner. At first, he’d been slightly offended that Jimin hadn’t chosen him to be his best man. But, when he realised that meant he wouldn’t have to make a speech, he was incredibly relieved.

Jimin and Yoongi looked so happy in their pictures. They had done theirs as a couple and were now having them with their families. The groomsmen would be next. Jimin was naturally photogenic and his easy smile reflected that. Yoongi was more camera shy and so looked less comfortable, but with Jimin by his side, he could do anything.

He wished he could be happy like that. He had been once. Maybe he could be again one day.

After the pictures came the meal, and after that the speeches. He’d had a few glasses of wine by this point, so he was more relaxed and ready to enjoy the evening. Or try to at least. The newlyweds hadn’t wanted their fathers to give speeches. Something about Jimin thinking it was too traditional and Yoongi saying his father would give a terrible speech. So, it was just each one’s best man.

The two had taken opposite approaches to the speech. Namjoon’s was surprisingly sentimental. It was a kind of celebration of all the years he’d known Yoongi and how happy he was to see him meet, and of course marry, the man he loved so much. The heart-warming sentiment only made the change in tone the next speech brought seem more abrupt. It was full of as many embarrassing stories about Jimin that he thought he could get into one speech. It was all light-hearted, and it was clear that he cared very deeply for Jimin, but there was a sense that he had shied away from really baring his feelings.

He now stood at the edge of the room, a glass of wine in hand, watching people dance. The reception had been in full swing for a couple of hours by now. He wasn’t much for dancing himself; he knew Jimin would drag him onto the dancefloor at some point, so he was enjoying his freedom while it lasted. He scanned the room. He could see Jimin and Yoongi dancing, Namjoon talking to Jimin’s parents and Seokjin and Hoseok taking shots at the bar, but not the person he was looking for.

He didn’t have to look much further. He felt someone come up beside him and he didn’t need to look to know who it was.

‘Hi Tae,’ he heard.

He took a long sip of his drink before responding. He was going to try and act normally this time.

‘Hi Kook,’ he replied, turning to face the man next to him.

‘It’s been an amazing day.’

‘It has, hasn’t it. Nice speech, by the way, I’ll be sure to keep bringing up those stories to Jimin any time he gets a bit full of himself.’

‘You’re welcome.’

They fell silent again. It wasn’t a comfortable silence; they weren’t on good enough terms for that yet. But it wasn’t totally uncomfortable either. That was progress.

‘I saw you during the ceremony,’ he heard. ‘You’re still a crier then?’

That brought a small smile to his lips. He had a reputation for crying at anything even remotely emotional. Films, songs, adverts, cute dogs on the street. They’d all gotten him at one point or another.

‘If anything, I probably cry more now,’ he replied. ‘I’ve had a tough year.’

He had said that pointedly on purpose. It was selfish, but he needed him to know how much he’d been hurt. He was the one that had been left with a broken heart whilst he ran off to America. He didn’t want to make a scene or anything, he just wanted it to be clear that things were not going to be hunky-dory after 2 minutes of conversation.

‘How was America?’ he continued.

‘Good.’

‘That’s it? Just good?’

‘I mean yeah I had a really good time. I bought a car and drove more or less across the whole country. Saw the sights, slept under the stars in the desert, busked on the streets of New Orleans, ate at a lot of diners.’

‘Sounds like fun,’ he said drily.

He wasn’t quite sure what he’d wanted to hear. Some kind of hint that he’d spent the whole time thinking about him, or at least an admission that he regretted how things had ended between them. But that wasn’t what he got.

‘Listen, Tae,’ the other man said. ‘I really want for us to– ‘

‘Save it, Kook,’ he cut him off. ‘I know that we’re going to have to see each other more often now. We share a lot of friends; I can handle that. But I don’t think I can be friends with you. We’ve been through too much for that. I’m sorry.’

He didn’t really intend to sound as sharp as he did, but that was how he really felt. They had met through Jimin and hadn’t been friends in their own right before they got together, so it wasn’t going to happen now. But at the same time, a voice in his head was screaming at him to apologise, to make amends, to do something that might bring him back to him. He ignored it and finished his drink.

‘Enjoy the rest of the night,’ he said as he turned to walk away.

‘Tae, wait.’

He felt a hand grab his wrist. He spun back around to look at him in the eye; a lot of emotions that he had been keeping at bay for months suddenly reappearing.

‘What is it you want from me Jungkook?’ he spat.

He had to channel his feelings towards anger to stop himself from bursting into tears.

‘You fucking left me. You got scared and you ran away. You don’t get to swan back into my life and pretend that everything’s fine. I’m not fine Jungkook. I haven’t been for over a year now. You hurt me in a way that I didn’t think it was possible.’

He was lucky that the music was loud. He wasn’t shouting but he wasn’t making any attempt to keep his voice down either. Thankfully, no one had seemed to notice his outburst yet.

‘So, what now? You want us to be friends and just sit at dinners with our friends as if nothing happened? You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to skip out on taking responsibility for the way you made me feel. The way you still make me feel.’

The other man suddenly looked very small. He didn’t try to respond in any way. He had enough sense to know when to let him speak. This felt very cathartic. He’d never had closure, and this sure as hell wasn’t it, but it was something. He could finally get his feelings out.

‘You may have had your reasons for doing what you did, but obviously, I was never worth enough to be told what they were. You broke my heart Jungkook. There’s no other way to describe it. I loved you so fucking much and then one day you didn’t feel the same way anymore. Hell, I love you so fucking much, and -’

He was cut off by a sob. He could only hold the tears back for so long. They began to creep out as he finished talking. He hadn’t meant for that last part to come out. He didn’t think he’d even admitted that he still loved him to himself, let alone said it out loud to someone else.

He saw Jimin looking over at them with a concerned look on his face. This wasn’t Jimin’s problem and certainly wasn’t what he needed to be thinking about today of all days. So, he stopped himself from going further and smiled weakly in Jimin’s direction in an attempt to convince him everything was fine.

‘Goodbye, Kook. I’ll see you round.’

He turned and walked quickly towards the door. He needed some air.

He stood, rooted to the spot, and watched the other man walk away. Everything that he’d said had been valid, he just didn’t expect him to be so forceful. He had thought the wedding might have been neutral ground; he’d obviously been wrong.

He noticed Jimin looking over at him and flashed a fake smile back at him. He didn’t want him worrying tonight. There was no way he would believe that nothing was wrong, but he seemed to accept that they had both tried to convince him otherwise.

At lot dawned on him in that moment. The main thing being that he’d made a huge mistake. Not in trying to talk to him now, but in leaving him in the first place. It was a mistake he’d been running away from ever since. He’d said he was still in love with him.

And it hit him. He was too.

He was in love with Taehyung.

So, why was he still standing there?

He practically ran towards the door, narrowly avoiding colliding with several people on the way. Hoseok had tried to ask where he was going as he passed him, but he didn’t have time to stop and answer. He burst out of the door and looked around. There were only a handful of people outside, so it didn’t take long to spot the lonely looking man on the other side of the courtyard.

He wasn’t really sure how he was going to play this considering how things had just been left. But he couldn’t wait. It was now or never. He strode over to him. He had expected him to be crying or at least look in some way upset. But he wasn’t. He looked almost resigned to his situation.

As he approached, he could see the other man go to speak, but he needed to tell him what he’d come to say.

‘Taehyung listen to me.

‘I know you must think I am the worst person in the world, and you’d be totally within your rights to think that. But please just listen to me. If when I’m done, you want me to fuck off and never speak to you again then ok, but I just need to get this out.’

The other man sighed, leant against the wall behind him and gestured for him to continue.

‘This past year, all I’ve been doing has just been running. Running away from everything I had and hoping it would make sense one day; that my dreams would come true. But they didn’t, and now I realise they never will, not without you.

‘It has taken me too long to realise this but leaving you last year was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I had never felt that way about anyone else before and that scared the shit out of me. You were caring and kind and funny and literally everything I could possibly have wanted, and you still are.

‘I guess it was just hardwired into me that relationships will eventually end and that only brings you pain, so I thought that if I cut things off before that happened, I could save myself from it. But I couldn’t. It hurt more than anything I’ve ever done and has hurt every single day since. I just choked Tae, I fucking choked and I will regret it for the rest of my life.’

He was crying now. That didn’t happen very often. Usually, his feelings were buried so far down that he could try and pretend they didn’t exist. Not this time though, this was the time to dig them up.

Taehyung’s eyebrows had shot so far up they were practically in his hairline. That clearly hadn’t been what he was expecting him to say.

‘What I’m trying to get to Tae is that I love you. I love you so much that it hurts, and I have since the day I met you. Everything I’ve done since then, all my travelling, all the experiences, all of it, I’d give it all to have you back.

‘I’m so sorry Tae, I’m so so sorry. I know I can never make it up to you, but I want to try. I really want to try; I will do anything. Please, I love you. Tell me what I can do.’

He brought his hands up to his face as his tears fell. He didn’t feel like he could get any more words out. He just had to hope that was enough.

After a short pause, he felt arms circle around him and pull him into a hug, which he reciprocated immediately. He buried his head into Taehyung’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes until he’d managed to stop crying.

When he pulled away, he couldn’t read Taehyung’s expression.

‘Well, for starters,’ he said. ‘You can buy me a very large glass of wine.’

He was sure that at some point soon, he would wake up. That this had all been some kind of cruel dream and he would find himself back in bed, alone again. The man he was in love with, who he’d been pining over for the past year, had just told him that he still loved him back.

Hell, he’d even cried. He’d never seen Jungkook cry like that, which meant there was no mistaking his sincerity. It had been maybe the last thing he’d thought he might actually say. After a whole year, and God knows how many times he’d fantasised about it, Jungkook had actually come back to him.

They had moved back inside and found an empty table, where he currently sat alone while Jungkook bought drinks. There had been a certain amount of alcohol paid for by Yoongi’s parents but that had dried up pretty quickly after the meal. He could easily afford his own drinks, but he thought that after a year of heartache he deserved to be bought one. Or several.

The crowd had thinned out over the past half an hour, leaving maybe a third of the guests still there whilst the others had headed home. He could see Jimin and Yoongi slow dancing. He wondered whether they had left the dancefloor at all during the whole evening. But they were in love and could dance for as long as they wanted to.

‘It’s almost sickening, isn’t it?’ he heard Jungkook say lightly.

‘Very much so,’ he laughed.

Jungkook placed a bottle of wine on the table next to them.

‘You don’t drink white wine,’ he said, raising his eyebrow.

‘Why do you think I only brought one glass?’ Jungkook said with a wink.

‘Using alcohol to get back into my good books Kookie?’

He hadn’t used that nickname in a while. It felt personal, like the distance between them was closing already.

‘No! I just thought-‘ Jungkook stammered.

He was clearly desperate to make sure nothing went wrong this time. So much so that the joke had gone completely over his head.

‘I’m just kidding. Thank you.’

They both fell silent again as he poured himself a glass. He took a sip while he formulated what he was going to say in his head.

‘I want to make something clear Kook,’ he began. ‘I can’t just go back to the way things were and pretend that this year didn’t happen.

I love you; I love you so much. But you really hurt me, and I can’t just forget that. I want to move past it, and I will. I just need some time.’

‘Of course,’ Jungkook replied. ‘Take as much time as you need.’

He reached over and took Jungkook’s hand.

‘Promise me this is real,’ he said. ‘That I won’t lose you again.’

He didn’t want to cry again, there had been enough tears today. But he needed to know, to hear it out loud.

‘I promise,’ Jungkook said.

He let out a deep sigh of relief. It felt like he’d been holding his breath for months and could finally let it out. They both smiled.

‘Um why are you guys holding hands?’

He jumped at the sound of someone else’s voice. He had almost forgotten that they weren’t alone. He turned to see Jimin and Yoongi staring down at their linked hands.

‘This is,’ Yoongi paused. ‘A surprise.’

‘Does this mean what I think it means?’ Jimin asked.

‘What do you think it means Jiminie?’ Jungkook replied.

‘That you guys have realised how hopelessly in love with each other you are?’

‘Something like that.’

‘It took you long enough,’ Yoongi murmured, earning an elbow in the ribs from Jimin.

‘Thank God,’ Jimin sighed. ‘Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any better.’

They both smiled. Of course, Jimin would claim that he always knew this would happen and that he was always right about these things.

‘Now that’s finally out of the way,’ he continued. ‘Is any of that wine going?’

Three months later, he stood in the large entryway of Taehyung’s house. This was the first time he’d been here. They’d agreed after the wedding to take things slow, to start dating again like the first-time round. They’d had a couple of difficult conversations too, about the way things ended and the reasons why. But he knew it was necessary. They needed to get everything out in the open before either of them could move on.

They’d spoken about the house too, but Taehyung had always shied away from giving too many details. It was his haven; the one thing that he’d found solace in, and he suspected that was the reason he hadn’t been invited over before now. Letting him in meant letting go of that safe space.

The main detail he’d excluded from their conversations was how big it was.

‘Wow Tae,’ he said. ‘This place is huge. How the hell did you afford it?’

‘I had a string of very well-paying clients,’ Taehyung blushed.

‘It’s beautiful. You’ve really outdone yourself.’

‘Thank you. I finally unpacked the last box a few days ago.’

He knew he’d lived there for around seven months now, so he wondered why it had taken him so long to unpack the final box, but he didn’t ask. He had a tour of the house, including all six bedrooms, before making their way to the kitchen where Taehyung was making dinner.

The sun was setting, casting a warm glow across the room. He moved over to the window to look out over the garden.

‘How big is your garden Tae?’

‘Ummm,’ Taehyung responded timidly. ‘About five acres?’

‘Jesus,’ he laughed. ‘Have you ever even seen the whole thing?’

‘Probably not actually,’ Taehyung laughed back.

He could see him relaxing into this. He understood that Taehyung was nervous. He was letting him into what had previously been a very private space. Jimin had told him to finally twist Taehyung’s arm into having a housewarming party. He might have to leave that for another time.

He stopped scanning the garden and looked down at the pictures that sat along the windowsill. The first was of Taehyung’s family, the second of him on a beach, the third he remembered taking at Jimin and Yoongi’s engagement party. He paused on the final picture, he remembered that day too. It was of the two of them on Taehyung’s birthday two years ago. Taehyung had never been big on birthdays; his family hadn’t celebrated them all that much. But he was very big on birthdays and had showered him with an uncomfortable amount of presents and the biggest cake he could find.

That’s what the picture had captured, the two of them laughing behind Taehyung’s enormous cake.

He thought that Taehyung surely couldn’t have had this photo up the whole time, it would have brought back a painful memory. It brought a smile to his face thinking that he must have put it up recently.

‘The final box,’ he thought.

‘So, Jimin hasn’t driven you crazy yet?’ Taehyung asked.

He’d be staying with Jimin and Yoongi for the past few weeks while he looked for his own place. He’d stayed in a hotel for a while to give the newlyweds a few weeks to themselves, but Jimin soon insisted that he stayed with them.

‘I think it’s more like my presence driving Yoongi crazy,’ he replied. ‘I’m sure I’ll fine somewhere soon.’

They carried on chatting and listening to the music Taehyung was playing for a while, until he could sense there was something he wanted to bring up.

‘You know,’ Taehyung said quietly. ‘I have quite a few spare bedrooms.’

He thought he must have been joking until he carried on.

‘Or, you know, a queen-sized bed in my room. Just a thought.’

‘Tae,’ he said. ‘Are you asking me to move in here?’

‘If you want to.’

‘What about taking it slow?’

‘Jungkook, I would sell this house right now if that’s what you wanted. I would give it all to be with you. I don’t want to take it slow anymore.’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘Say yes.’

To say he was taken aback would have been an understatement. He was stunned into silence.

‘Well?’ Taehyung broached.

‘Yes,’ he said after a moment. ‘Yes, I would love to.’

Taehyung broke out into a huge smile. He leaned in to kiss him.

‘There’s loads of space for your stuff and we can talk about the décor, I mean if there’s anything you don’t like we can look into changing it.’

It was easy to tell when Taehyung was exciting because he started babbling. It was very endearing.

‘You know, so you can feel like you’ve got your stamp on the place, if you want. Or maybe we could make one of the spare rooms into an office or like a games room or something? Or a music room? We can move the piano in there and get a nice stand for your guitars.’

‘Tae,’ he cut him off. ‘It’s perfect just how it is.’

‘I can’t believe you’re finally doing this,’ Jimin said excitedly.

‘By the sounds of it, you had quite a lot to do with how persuasive Kookie was about it,’ he replied with a smile.

A few weeks after Jungkook had moved in, he had finally agreed to invite their friends to a housewarming party. It wasn’t really a party yet, there was only the seven of them. More people would be arriving later, but he’d just invited close friends to finally see all the work he’d put into his house. But it wasn’t just his house now, it was their house. It had never felt right when he lived here alone, but now it seemed like he had something to celebrate.

He had realised this was just like his last birthday party. The one in the picture on the kitchen windowsill. His closest friends around him and the man he loved by his side.

Standing in the doorway, he could see Hoseok and Seokjin light-heartedly bickering about which of their respective favourite idol groups was better, Namjoon and Yoongi talking animatedly about some sports match they’d both watched before coming round and Jimin dancing around the room apparently by himself. Jimin was drunk already, but that wasn’t much of surprise. Luckily, they were all staying over, it’s not like there wasn’t enough room.

He felt a hand snake around his waist and turned to see Jungkook smiling at him. He gave him a kiss on the cheek.

‘Come on,’ he said. ‘They’ve all brought you a housewarming present.’

‘Us,’ he corrected.

‘Pretty sure it’s just for you,’ Jungkook laughed as he walked further into the room. ‘They bought it about four months ago.’

Taehyung didn’t immediately follow. He stood for a beat longer to look around at his friends.

When he’d first moved into this house, there was a feeling he couldn’t shake. That feeling had followed him around for months. He couldn’t escape it, no matter what he did. But now, it was finally gone.

He wasn’t alone anymore.