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Klaus didn’t have an eating disorder. He just didn’t. Eating disorders were for rich teenage girls who got too into dieting, or ballerinas who needed to get thin for a recital. Not people like him. Especially not people who used to be homeless, people who knew the worth of food. People who used to dumpster dive for half eaten pizza. So why was Klaus pouring a quarter of his dinner from his pockets into the toilet? He wasn’t quite sure on that but he did know he did not have an eating disorder.
Ben didn’t really notice Klaus when he came back from the bathroom. He was sitting on the couch near Diego watching a new Netflix series, Daredevil. Diego really liked the comics when they were younger so he was ecstatic when the series came out. Ben was just happy to listen to him gush.
Klaus sat in between him and Diego and snuggled up, resting his head on Ben’s chest listening to his heartbeat. He liked to do it a lot, the rhythmic thumping helping him stay calm or fall asleep. He yawned and closed his eyes, Ben combing his fingers through his messy hair. Diego was the only one who ever really payed attention to the show, Ben and Klaus usually preferring to hear Diego explain it afterward. Ben let him doze on his chest, telling himself he’ll wake him up before they go to bed even though Diego would probably end up doing it.
As he dragged his fingers across Klaus’ scalp he noticed something weird. A bald spot. He had noticed Klaus’ hair thinning a bit recently but he never had any bald spots. He kept having to pull hair off of his hands too, which was weird considering Klaus always had the thickest hair of them. He decided it probably wasn’t super important and he could bring it up another time when Klaus was more conscious. Maybe Klaus was balding, they were getting closer to 30 everyday.
After another episode Diego decided that it was late enough and they should all go to sleep since it was a Tuesday and him and Ben had work. They didn’t want to wake Klaus since he seemed so peaceful so instead Diego said he could carry him to the bed.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah it’s fine he’s never weighed that much I’m sure my back will be okay.”
Ben shrugged as Diego picked up their lover with ease. He followed Diego to the bedroom and helped undress him. He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering to his ribs. He was really bony. Was it just him or did his ribs seem more pronounced?
He figured it was probably just the shadows of the room.
As Diego laid down beside Klaus he couldn’t stop thinking about how light he was to carry. He can’t have been that light the last time he picked him up, he would’ve noticed. Right? Was he just imagining things? Certainly he would’ve noticed if he lost weight though. He made almost all of their meals for them and Klaus usually went out for lunch or would eat leftovers. How would be have lost weight? He tried to ignore the concern but it was still on his mind as he drifted to sleep.
Klaus wasn’t crying over food. Absolutely not. No way. He was not crying over something as stupid as finding out they were eating out for dinner tonight.
Ben had just texted him and Diego asking if they wanted to have a date night since it had been a while and of course they both said yes. Klaus was thinking maybe they could go to the beach since it was nice out or maybe to a new movie or something like that but of course Diego had to go and suggest a new restaurant he’d been dying to try. Ben said it sounded perfect and who was Klaus to say no.
Of course Klaus tried looking up a website for the place to find the nutrition facts but as Diego had said it was a new place and there was no website to be found. So here Klaus was, sobbing on the floor trying to think of an excuse that they would believe.
Of course he could just eat it. Because he didn’t have an eating disorder. But if he ate it he’d gain weight and if he gained weight he’d be a failure again and that can’t happen. Ben and Diego didn’t want to be with a failure. They would leave him. And he didn’t want that to happen so he couldn’t eat. He tried googling again, hoping maybe they put up a site in the last 15 minutes. Then he looked on facebook and instagram and twitter but all he found was posts about their opening. Why couldn’t they have gone somewhere old? Why did it have to be somewhere new? He silently cursed Diego before throwing his phone on the floor. At least they had carpet.
Klaus decided he would just have to burn off as many calories as he could now so he could eat later. He still had three hours until Ben got home which meant he had at least two hours he could be using for exercise. He grabbed his running shoes and headed out the door.
When Ben got home he found Klaus with a towel on his head traipsing about their bedroom opening drawers trying to find a good outfit to wear. He was humming loudly and Ben couldn’t help himself from smiling. He loved this dumbass with his whole heart and he was so happy Klaus was his. He walked up behind Klaus enveloping him in a hug as his moist skin dripped onto his blue button up.
“I’m home.”
“No really? I thought you were just a hallucination.”
“I mean I guess we wouldn’t know either way unless another one of me stepped through the door.”
“But then how would I know which one is the real Ben?”
“I dunno, the more the merrier I guess?”
“You have guessed right darling, now tell me if I look fat in this skirt.”
Klaus turned around to give Ben a peck on the lips before displaying the red, lacy, silk skirt to him. He looked in the mirror in front of them pinching the “fat” on his sides right around his exposed hip bones.
Ben was confused. Was this a joke? Did Klaus really think he was fat? He looked even skinnier in the light than he had noticed the other night, the shadows only hiding his skeletal frame. Still, Klaus continued to pinch and poke at various parts of his hips, tummy and thighs, expression seemingly growing only more annoyed.
“What do you mean fat?”
“What do you mean “what do you mean”? Do I look fat in this? I think it’s a pretty straight forward question Ben.” He let out a light chuckle before going back to pinching his inner thigh.
“Klaus I don’t think you have a bit of fat on you. Not that it would matter, I think you’re beautiful no matter what your body is.”
“I appreciate the sentiment Benny but trust me, I’m not gonna become one of those people on My 600lb Life. Do you think this skirt is good?”
“Yes baby, it’s gorgeous.” Ben couldn’t help but still feel a bit concerned. He can’t really think he’s fat, right?
Diego changed into his nice clothes at work and drove to their apartment to pick Klaus and Ben up. He was really excited about trying this new restaurant and Klaus always liked Italian food so he really couldn’t go wrong. Even if the food was shit they’d still find a way to turn it into a fun night. That was one of the things he always loved about them.
He pulled into the parking lot and texted them to come down. He was soon met by the sound of the door opening and Klaus running out followed closely by Ben. He smiled at them and Klaus loudly declared shotgun as Ben rolled his eyes. He jumped into the passenger seat and kissed Diego sweetly before pulling away to buckle his seatbelt (Diego’s rules). Ben got into the back and leant up to Diego for a kiss before fixing his tie.
“Ready?”
“We certainly are baby,” Ben smiled around his words, reaching over to kiss Klaus on the cheek. Diego pulled out of the parking space and started driving to the restaurant. He noticed that Klaus was very fidgety and he was bouncing his legs so he rested his right hand on his knee as some kind of silent comfort.
“Hey Klaus, you okay doll?” He looked over with wide eyes and mustered a smile onto his face but Diego could tell it wasn’t genuine.
“Just peachy, Di!” He turned his head to look put the window but didn’t move Diego’s hand. Maybe he could ask later when they were home. Hopefully he would relax during dinner, they wouldn’t want to stay if he was uncomfortable. Diego checked and their facebook said they didn’t have a bar or serve anything stronger than beer and wine but if Klaus was having a bad day it could still be stressful for him. Klaus would tell them if it was too much though. He always did.
Klaus was freaking the fuck out. He was desperately trying to fend off a panic attack over the thought of all the calories he would have to eat. Sure he went on a run for an hour and was at the gym for an hour and a half but he would still be eating so many calories and what if he didn’t burn as much as he thought? He knew he wouldn’t get away with saying he wasn’t hungry but pasta had so many calories. All Italian food for that matter. Why why why did Diego have to suggest Italian?
Diego’s hand on his knee was doing little to calm his nerves. If anything he wanted to take it off just so he could continue fidgeting but then Diego would think something was really wrong and Klaus didn’t want to ruin date night. He was so excited when he suggested it and it had been almost a month since their last one. Klaus was not going to ruin it.
As they approached the place and Diego parked the car Klaus was desperately trying to ignore all of his feelings of dread and panic. He was going to have to purge tonight, in a public bathroom. He wasn’t sure which part was worse, that or the actual eating. Maybe both were equally as bad. When they got out of the car he grabbed hold of Ben’s hand and squeezed. Ben squeezed back and he felt the tiniest bit better about the whole situation. They started walking towards the door.
As they stepped inside the restaurant Ben
glanced over at Klaus. He was rubbing circles onto the top of his hand hoping Klaus was okay. Klaus seemed even more anxious inside the building which worried Ben. They usually didn’t go to restaurants on date nights because most of the good ones served alcohol or had bars and they would end up having to leave more often than not. This place was supposed to be pretty dry but the anxiety around the situation was understandable.
They were quickly seated at a table near the entrance and given menus. They put in their drink orders (water for Klaus, Coke for Diego, and tea for Ben) and were left alone. Ben thought it was a good time to ask Klaus how he was feeling so they could leave if they needed to. He would likely say he was fine no matter what but after knowing Klaus their whole life Ben and Diego would be able to tell whether it really was or not.
“Hey Klaus, you feeling okay?” Klaus looked over at Ben looking a bit scared before he quickly fixed his expression to a weak smile.
“Yes of course, Benji. Just excited to try some of this world famous pasta.”
“World famous?” Diego asked looking amused. Klaus pointed to a sticker on the menu claiming their “World Famous Real Italian Pasta”.
“Well I’m thoroughly convinced.”
“You don’t sound very convinced, Didi. I for one am truly ecstatic at the chance of trying world famous pasta. It’s not everyday you can do that!”
“Klaus…” Ben had played this game enough times before to know the end result. He would just keep deflecting and ignoring what was wrong until he’d eventually break. And Ben really wanted them to have a good night.
“What Ben?”
“I know this is date night but it’s okay if you feel anxious about being here. Even if the most alcoholic thing they serve is wine, we’d understand if you were feeling stressed about being around it.” Klaus sighed heavily before meeting Ben’s eyes.
“I’ll be okay, I swear. I’m just a little anxious, it’s not a big deal.”
“Okay.” Ben looked across the table to catch Diego’s eye. Diego nodded in understanding and they went back to their conversation, Klaus still seemingly only growing more anxious.
Diego watched Klaus grow more and more antsy as the seconds went by. He was buzzing as they ordered and it was only getting worse. Klaus liked to pretend he was fine a lot even if it was obvious he was the opposite. Diego hoped he’d say something if he really needed to leave though. At the very least Ben would make an excuse if it got too bad. Diego hoped it wouldn’t get to that point.
They continued the conversation, Klaus filling most of it, and Diego and Ben both held one of his hands under the table. His palms were sweaty but neither of them cared. Diego definitely was not going to suggest anything other than a dry restaurant ever again if Klaus was still this nervous. He only wanted them to have a good time.
When the food came out Klaus let go of their hands. His legs were still bouncing but none of them brought it up. Ben thanked the waiter as she set down the plates in front of them. It smelled amazing. This had to make Klaus feel a bit better. Klaus was smiling as they dug in.
Klaus wanted to vomit. He wanted to vomit more than he ever had in his entire life right now. More than hangovers or withdrawals combined. But despite that overwhelming urge to vomit, it tasted so fucking good.
Klaus had gotten vegetarian spaghetti with garlic bread. His estimate of about 1100 calories, give or take. It smelled like everything he ever craved for the last three months and it tasted better than an orgasm felt. He had to suppress a moan after he took his first bite. He was still bouncing his leg but he felt simultaneously the worst and best he’d felt in months and fuck if that isn’t confusing. His body was in absolute euphoria, even better than all those times he chewed and spit his craving; but his mind was screaming at him, the calories and fat, carbs and sugar, how much weight he was gonna gain, how fat he was gonna get, how Ben and Diego wouldn’t love him anymore. He tried desperately to ignore it as they talked about how good the food was but Klaus couldn’t repress the voice telling him to get rid of it now.
After he’d eaten half of the pasta and a few bites of the garlic bread he felt like he was going to burst. Of course he knew that his stomach had shrank over the last little bit but he didn’t think he should already feel full. As he leaned back in his chair he felt greasy, disgusting and greedy. He ate too much. He shouldn’t have eaten so much. He’s such a pig. He went over his limit. Why did he eat so much?
Diego looked at his plate and frowned. “You not hungry?”
“What?” He was disgustingly full. How could he not be hungry when he just indulged himself in over 500 calories of pasta and bread?
“You barely finished any. You said it was good, are you not hungry?”
Oh. “Oh. No I’m full. Guess I just ate too much at lunch.” Diego nodded and Ben raised an eyebrow before they changed the topic. Klaus stood up and loudly announced he had to piss. Diego blushed and Ben chuckled before shooing him towards the restroom.
Lock the door. Lean over. Soon enough his eyes were red and puffy. Some of the guilt began to fade, and the voice got quieter. He felt empty. He felt good.
After Klaus came back from the bathroom he was smiling and no longer seemed distracted or nervous like before. Maybe he had just needed a minute to clear his head. Ben smiled at him, happy he was feeling better.
Diego had been surprised to say the least when Klaus started going to the gym. It came out of the blue a few months ago, claiming he wanted to build some muscle, try and get buff like Diego and Ben were. Diego was supportive of course, happy Klaus was getting more focused on his health, Klaus even started changing his diet. Eating egg whites and avocados even though he claimed they tasted like “vegans and cardio”. Diego didn’t bother mentioning eggs weren’t vegan.
But now a couple months later, Diego was getting worried. Klaus went to the gym almost every day now but he wasn’t bulking up, if anything he was doing the exact opposite. Klaus had always been skinny, more-so when he was using than any other time, but he never really had much meat on his bones. But recently he was looking skeletal. His muscles weren’t getting any bigger and he looked less fit than before. Sure he improved his stamina and endurance for exercise but physically Diego was concerned.
He suggested Klaus start drinking protein shakes and whenever he made them for him the container would always end up mostly empty and in the sink. He had to be drinking them, right? He even said he preferred the chocolate one so Diego always made sure to buy that one, and there was always some missing at the end of each day so he had to be using it. So why was he shrinking?
Diego got off early today so he decided he would go see Ben at work. The bookstore was usually pretty quiet and it was the only time of that day they could talk without Klaus around. Not that he wanted to talk behind Klaus’ back but Klaus never gave answers. He deflected and made excuses but when it came to seriousness things he was very rarely forward.
Diego walked to his car and drove to the shop. It was only a few minutes away and Klaus wasn’t expecting them home for another hour at least so he wasn’t really worried about time.
He walked into the shop and was greeted by Ben, standing behind the counter.
“Hey Di!”
“Hey Baby.” He smiled and walked over to give Ben a kiss. There was no one else in the store aside from Violet stocking one of the shelves so Diego wasn’t too concerned about PDA. He waved to Violet before walking around to Ben.
“Whats up Diego?”
“Uh I got off work early because I finished all my paperwork so I though I’d stop by.”
“Aw, you do know we would’ve seen each other in an hour anyways.”
“Yeah but that doesn’t mean I have to wait that long.” Ben smiled before pulling them upstairs to the lounge portion of the store. It had a reading nook for kids and some chairs and sofas along with donated books that people could sign out or trade for.
They sat on one of the couches before Ben gave him a look.
“Okay what’s that for?”
“I’m sorry but you have that face you make when you want to bring up something but don’t know how.”
“I have a face for that?”
“You have a face for everything babe, this isn’t news. So what do you want to talk about?”
“It’s about Klaus.”
“Why are we talking about him when he isn’t here? Can’t this wait till tonight?”
“No because you know how he gets when something’s wrong and he doesn’t wanna talk about it. Trust me, I hate talking about him while he’s not here as much as you do but I’m really worried.” Ben took a minute, contemplating Diego’s words.
“I’m worried about him too. I thought maybe I was just being dramatic so I didn’t mention it.”
“So it’s not just me who’s noticed how much weight he’s lost?”
“Shit. I thought I was going crazy or something. He’s been eating, hasn’t he?”
“I thought he was. There’s always dishes when we come home and he eats when we have dinner and breakfast.”
“Do you really think he’d lie about eating? I mean he always tells us what he had when we ask.”
“I dunno. I’m really worried though. He’s just been getting smaller, even with him going to the gym and drinking protein shakes and stuff he isn’t gaining anything.” Diego thought back to this morning when Klaus was getting dressed. His bones were poking out everywhere even through his clothes. And last night when they had sex Diego could feel his hip bones more than he remembered ever noticing before. Ben was pretty slim and athletic but he still had some cushion there.
“Y’know, now that you mention it, a couple weeks ago before we went to that restaurant he was asking me if he looked fat in the skirt he wore. I thought he was joking at first because I mean look at him, but he asked me again completely serious. The skirt was practically falling off, I though he was gonna have to pin it.” He thought he looked fat? Diego was really worried now. Klaus would have to be completely delusional to think he actually looked fat. They didn’t have a scale but Klaus must barely weigh 130lbs if not less and he was a bit taller than Diego. Diego was scared. Was Klaus eating? Were they just too blind to notice. To see that Klaus was struggling? What if he had an-
“Fuck. I should go home. We should watch him at dinner, see how much he’s eating. We should be sure we know what’s wrong before we talk to him about it. I don’t want to accuse him of something he didn’t do.”
“Yeah that’s smart. Let’s just keep an eye on him over the next couple days. He’ll be okay.”
Klaus didn’t have an eating disorder. Or at least that’s what he was telling himself as he ran back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom. Alternating between gorging himself and making himself puke. Lately with all the extra exercise he’d been doing his cravings were getting worse. The hunger was unbearable some days but then he’d remember how good he felt at the restaurant. If he couldn’t deal with the cravings anymore he could just give in and then get rid of it. No weight gained no problem. He would stay thin and he could still satisfy his hunger when he needed. Perfect.
Of course since he started doing this restricting became harder. He only felt hungrier. And all of the exercise to compensate wasn’t helping. Some days it felt like no matter how full his stomach got, his brain could never catch up. And he was so fucking hungry.
He was in the bathroom flushing his system when he started to feel a bit dizzy. He’d felt dizzy before, usually while exercising or fasting but this was different. It combined with his nausea to make him throw up harder which only made him more dizzy. He got to his knees, hoping it would make his world a little steadier but before he knew it he was keeled over on the bathroom floor. Blood staining the white tile where he hit his head. Toilet filled with partially digested leftovers. A puddle of vomit underneath his cheek.
Ben had less than 30 minutes left of work when he got a call from Diego. It was mainly weird because Diego was just there but Ben didn’t really think much of it as he answered his phone.
“Hey Di what’s up?”
“Fuck. Um hey.” He didn’t sound good.
“What’s wrong?”
“Klaus is in the hospital. I found him passed out when I got home, I’ll explain once you get here. Can you come now?”
“Yeah I’ll be there as soon as I can, I just have to lock up. Which hospital?”
“Regional. I’ll text you the room number.”
“Okay, love you, bye.”
“Love you too.” Click.
Ben told Violet she could leave early as he quickly grabbed his keys and jacket. He locked up the building and ran to his car, nearly speeding to get to the hospital. He got a text from Diego with the room number and prayed it was still too early for dinner time traffic.
20 minutes later Ben walked into a hospital room to find a tired looking Diego sitting next to an unconscious Klaus. Diego had tears in his eyes as he looked up to Ben. He walked over and hugged Diego as he cried into his jacket.
“I-I f-f-found him in the b-b-ba-bathroom. He was b-b-bl-bl-bleeding and there was s-sick everywhere.”
“Sh, it’s okay. He’s okay. He’s gonna be okay Di. What did they say?”
“c-con-con…c-concussion.”
“Okay well we’ve all had concussions before. He’ll be okay.” Ben let go to pull up a chair beside Diego’s. As he looked at Klaus he felt sick. He was so pale, his skin was ghostly looking and he had bruises that were definitely new all over his knees and legs. His cheeks were too red but his eyes were too purple. And he looked nearly emaciated. Ben felt a few tears drip down his face as he looked at his boyfriend. How did they not notice? Were they really that blind?
Ben held Diego’s hand as he sobbed. Diego was always emotional and sensitive despite his demeanour often coming off the opposite. Finding Klaus, his mind probably went to the worst place possible. He probably thought Klaus was dead. Ben had no idea how he would’ve reacted if he’d been the one to find him, but he wished Diego didn’t have to go through that.
Diego and Ben had been there for enough ODs and self harming situations to be familiar with the thought that Klaus might be dead. It only ever got harder, feeling like this time might be it. Sometimes Ben thought he might be immortal with the amount of times he’d nearly (or fully) died. Klaus just claimed he was lucky, Diego didn’t like to think about it either way.
As Ben looked down at their entwined hands he noticed the dried blood on Diego’s fingers. Diego couldn’t stop looking at it. His hands were shaking and Ben could hear his uneven breaths.
“Diego, Diego look at me,” Ben grabbed Diego’s face with his other hand, trying to keep eye contact. “Klaus is gonna be okay. You got there in time, he’s safe. You were there.”
“Ben, Ben I-I th-th-thought he was d-d-d… I thought he was d-d-dead.” He let out a shaky sob as he collapsed into Ben’s chest. Ben rubbed his back and held him close.
“I know, baby. I know.” He felt tears run down his face as he closed his eyes.
Before Klaus opened his eyes he knew he was in a hospital. Over the years he’d grown quite accustomed to and familiar with the uncomfortable beds and ever lingering smell of sickness and disinfectant. The contrast that seemed to make a weird kind of sense. He felt Diego’s soft hands holding his to his left and could hear the sniffles coming from his boyfriends’ noses. Fuck, what did he do?
The last thing he could remember was leaning over the toilet. What happened? How long had it been? Did he finish getting rid of the food? His stomach suddenly felt bloated and icky as he realized he didn’t finish.
He opened his eyes to way to bright lights and Diego and Ben’s red rimmed eyes looking down at him. He quickly closed them again.
“Hey Klaus, how you feeling?” Ben. Diego probably wouldn’t be able to get a sentence out right now if he was as upset as he looked. Klaus would bet he was even more upset than he looked.
He blinked a few times trying to adjust to the jarring light of the room. “Peachy.”
So maybe that was the wrong thing to say for the situation, if Ben’s face gave any indication. Diego opened his mouth to speak but his voice was barely a whisper when he did.
“I thought you were dead, Klaus.” The reality of the situation started to set in as Klaus felt the IV in his arm itching, and saw the look Diego was giving him. What had he done.
“Klaus, Diego found you in the bathroom in a pool of vomit and blood.” Ben always was blunt. If nothing else. “What happened?”
Luckily Klaus was saved from answering as the doctor walked in.
Two hours, a lot of tears and uncomfortable truths later, Klaus was signing the paperwork to be put into an outpatient program. Klaus had an eating disorder. One he’d apparently had and kept hidden from them for almost six months. Ben looked shocked at finding out how long this had been going on for but Klaus just looked sad. So fucking sad. The first 30 minutes were spent with Klaus just blatantly denying he had a problem, it felt eerily similar to the first time they addressed Klaus’ drug addiction.
He was given the diagnoses of OSFED and Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Diego and Ben were given pamphlets that tried to give as much information as possible. It was confusing and hard to understand but Diego knew it wasn’t as easy as “just eat”, just as getting clean wasn’t as easy as “just stop using”.
Soon enough Klaus was discharged from the hospital with a packet explaining the intensive outpatient program he had signed himself in for. He would go there everyday from 7am-4pm and eat dinner at home under Diego and Ben’s watch. All other meals would be eaten at the centre communally with supervision. Mandatory group and individual therapy and classes on body positivity and dealing with a warped self image. All in all Diego though it sounded like a gold program and as long as Klaus was getting the help he needed he didn’t care whether it was inpatient, outpatient or any other variety.
Of course Klaus wasn’t very thrilled about any of this, still unconvinced of even having a disorder at all. Ben was sitting with him on the couch holding him as he sobbed.
“Benny I don’t want to do this.”
“I know baby, I know. You need to though, we want you to be healthy and happy and this is killing you.” Klaus just gripped his shirt harder as he continued to sob.
Diego walked over and sat beside Klaus, hugging him from behind.
“I love you, doll. I promise it’ll get better.”
“You hear that Klaus, we love you, that’s never gonna change.” Klaus shook as the tears fell. Diego knew he truly believed their words when he grabbed their hands and squeezed tight.