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And that is how I solved the world's problems through activism. Britta finished typing on her blog. Now for everyone's emotional issues...
There was a knock at the door.
Britta opened it. "Hi, Jeff. What brings you here."
"Well, it's certainly not that I'm lonely and needy," said Jeff. "I was just on my way to...Cool Street to do cool things, and I thought I'd come by to mock you because I'm insecure and intimidated by you. Dammit, the truth serum just kicked in!"
"Truth serum?"
“Abed came up with it in chemistry class. Wait, no, it would be stereotypical to have Abed be the mad scientist - Shirley came up with it. I’m compelled to be really emotionally honest at all time! Also, I want to sleep with you. Partly because you’re incredibly attractive, and partly because sex fills the emotional void in my life. Also, I do want to have long talks with you about my feelings, but I've been resisting because your insightfulness scares me. Basically, you're right about everything, and we should also have sex."
Britta smiled. "Let's discuss these issues further...in the bedroom."
—
"Dean!" Jeffrey stormed bare-chested into the Dean's office. "I'm leaving Greendale!"
"Oh Jeffrey, why!"
"Because of a shameful secret I can never admit." Jeffrey turned away. "I must leave."
The Dean put his hand on Jeffrey's chest. "Whatever it is, we can face it together."
"There's...someone I've been secretly in love with for years.”
“Oh my!” The Dean frowned. “It’s not Annie or Britta, is it?”
“No.” Jeff turned away and faced the wall. ”It’s…a man!”
“Jeffrey!”
“I’ve been secretly pining for him since I first heard his voice on the school’s PA system. But I'm afraid he'll reject me when he finds out about my..." Jeffrey paused dramatically. "My closet full of dalmatian costumes."
"Dalmatian costumes?" asked the Dean, suppressing a shiver.
"Yes! What man would ever love someone with such...unusual tastes?"
The Dean put his hand on Jeffrey’s shoulder. “I would!"
"You would?" Jeffrey turned and swept the Dean up in his arms. "Then, Craig, will you…take my leash?”
The Dean shuddered with delight. "Oh yes, Jeffrey. Oh yes."
—
"Here we are, M'lady," said Jeff, carrying Annie over the threshold. "The honeymoon suite."
"Isn't is great that we're finally married?" asked Annie.
"I know! The way you turned me around and inspired me to become a better person. You’ve completely fixed all of my flaws and made me the man you always dreamed I would be. Annie, you're my everything." He set her down on the bed. “And now we’re going to make sweet, sweet love. With the lights on.”
“Wait,” said Annie. “I have a few surprised.” She reached into a black bag.
“What’s that?” asked Jeff. “Sexy lingerie?”
“That, and a few other things.” Annie pulled out a pair of handcuffs, a blindfold, and a riding crop. “You should probably take your shirt off before I cuff you to the bed.”
Jeff’s eyes widened.
Annie giggled. “I…kind of have a thing about being in charge."
"Your control issues suddenly got a lot hotter."
—
“Hi Abed,” said Jeff. He carried a large duffle bag. “You ready?”
“You’re really doing this?” asked Abed.
“For you? You know it. I even brought my costume.” Jeff removed his shirt and stuck on various bits of plastic.
“Thanks.” Abed opened the Dreamatorium. “I really enjoyed the Inspector Spacetime/Constable Reggie fanfic that Troy let me act out, because he didn’t feel at all uncomfortable or confused about it, because this is my fantasy. But while I understand the awkward genius/loyal sidekick sexual tension dynamic now, I don’t entirely get the appeal of hero/villain pairings like Inspector/Thoraxis. I’m hoping role-play will let me put my finger on it.”
“Just the finger?” Jeff did something with his face and intonation that meant suggestiveness.
“Good double entendre. Did you bring the condoms?”
Jeff tapped the bag. “Right here.”
“Excellent. I have the mind control device ready.” Abed on his hat. “Face me in the Dreamatorium, Thoraxis, if you dare!”
—
“You’re right,” said Jeff, across the study table. “I was intimidated by your sexuality.”
Shirley looked up. “Really?”
“Really.” Jeff shot her one of those looks he kept giving Annie, only more age-appropriate. “Look at you. You’re not some pale little twig like Britta or Annie. Beneath this sweet exterior beats the heart of a passionate, intense woman, and I was afraid that if that was ever unleashed, even with all my muscles I wouldn’t be man enough.” He stood up. “But I’m not afraid anymore. Shirley, I want you. I want you right here and now, on the study room couch, because you’re too classy for the table.”
Shirley turned. “Jeffrey, I’m a married woman!”
“After Mysti, Andre owes you one free affair, doesn’t he?”
“That is airtight logic.” Shirley hesitated. “But I probably shouldn’t.”
“Come on,” said Jeff, stepping closer. “I know you’re not just a sweet, innocent Christian housewife. Inside, there’s something wild and dangerous. I’ve seen the side of you that you’re afraid to let out, the side that comes out at the Foosball table, the anger, the the intensity, the desire. I know that part of you that you try to hide, and I find it hot!”
Shirley stood up. “We really shouldn’t. My family…”
Jeff brushed Shirley’s hair aside and leaned in. “It’s okay.” He whispered in her ear. “I’ve arranged babysitting.”
—
“This isn’t a gay thing,” said Troy.
“Totally not.” Jeff leaned back on the chair, looking cool.
“It’s just…I’m not sure if I’m good at kissing. And you get lots of women, so I figure you must be really good at kissing. And, you know, other stuff.”
“It’s okay.” Jeff took a swig of scotch. “It’s one of the rules of being a cool guy. You get one free night with a cool older guy and it doesn’t count as gay. Also, there’s an exception for one male celebrity of your choice, and your best friend if you’re in the Dreamatorium or one of you is pretending to be a woman.”
“Awesome!” said Troy. “So, how do we start?”
“We start with the secret to a great kiss. It’s the catch phrase.” Jeff stood up and leaned over Troy. “Like right now, I’m about to kiss you like you’ve never been kissed in your life. I’m going to kiss you so you melt like the T-1000. I’m going to kiss you so you think we’ve been merged in the Gluon Chamber, but it’s not gluons, just passion.” He leaned in closer until his lips were nearly touching Troy’s. “And that’s the Winger Guarantee.”
—
The bedroom door opened, and a familiar-looking figure strode into Jeff’s room.
Jeff sat up in bed. “Are you…Evil Jeff come to take over the timeline again?”
Jeff stepped forward. “No, I’m Good Jeff. I travel the timelines, fighting evil, and trying to make each universe a brighter place.”
“Wait,” Jeff asked. “I’m not Good Jeff?”
Good Jeff shrugged. “You’re better than a lot of Jeffs, but not as good as a Jeff can get.”
“That’s…fair,” said Jeff. “So there’s Good Jeff and Evil Jeff and I’m Ordinary Jeff?”
“You’re far from ordinary.” Good Jeff sat down on the edge of the bed. “You’re Sexy Jeff, the sexiest Jeff of them all.”
Jeff grinned. “Thanks. I mean I suspected, but it’s good to hear.”
“That’s actually why I’m here.” Good Jeff began removing his shirt. “I mean me, but even sexier? I couldn’t pass up the chance. So,” he said. “Are you up for it?”
“Me, but very nearly as sexy?” Jeff smiled. “How can I resist?”
—
"Hey!" said Jeff gaily, to the gay bar. "Does anyone want to have gay men's room gay sex with me? Because I'm gay!"
A sleazy looking guy stepped forward. "I'll have gay sex with you."
"Not so fast," said Pierce. “First, I’m not gay.”
Every man in the bar went, “Aw!”
“I know, I know, disappointing. But this man is gay!” He put an arm around Jeff. “He’s my gay friend. Therefore, only the finest and gayest men can have gay sex with him. That’s why I brought the other gay person I know, Urbana Champaign!
"I'm ready,” said Urbana Champaign. “I've got my pocket full of Hawthorne's."
"One question," said Jeff. "Are they Hawthorne Pride Wipes?"
"Oh honey, that's the only kind I use!" Urbana held up the jar. "Hawthorne Pride Wipes, for when you want to get gay all over each other!"
"Perfect." Jeff tilted his gay cowboy hat. "Let's get gay."
"I knew it!" Pierce grinned hugely. "I was right."
"You were, Pierce," said Jeff. "You were right about everything, especially every time you called me gay. You're also the coolest member of the group, and every gay person should give you money!” He wrapped his arm around Urbana and dashed off to the men's room.
"Quick, everyone, buy his product!" The gay men gathered around Pierce, throwing money.
“Look at me now, Dad!” Pierce yelled at the sky, waving fistfuls of money. “I defeated you and everything you stand for!"
All the gay men cheered.