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Derek had never been a very talkative guy if you asked his pack's opinion. Quite the contrary. Scott was the first to point out that fact whenever Derek had decided to show up to one of their pack meetings, standing in the shadow (Stiles called it lurking), almost brooding. The rest of the little company was always eager to approve of their young alpha actually showing up for once, encouraging the big bad wolf to participate a little more, to express his opinions, and to use his words, because Stiles didn't think growling was a real way to communicate. Derek never gave him the honor of an answer. Sometimes he would join them on the sofa, but he would usually stay leaning on the wall, rolling his eyes and ignoring the infuriating puppies. On some rare occasions, he had just left when they had been a little too pushing, bringing incomprehension and exasperation among them.
What the young wolves didn't know was that Derek had been mute for almost seven years before meeting them. His oral communication was rusty and he still had real struggles forcing himself to talk. The reason of this problem was not a mystery : like all of the things fucked up in his life, the fire and Kate were the grim knot, the never-ending source of traumas, nightmares, issues, and guilt haunting him. The fire had not only destroyed his family, his pack, his home, but it had killed him in a way. The young and lively boy have been immolated, replaced by a shadow, a bitter man, tortured by his guilt and his memories.
The Day was still vivid in his mind, like it had happened yesterday. The way his mother had kissed his hair before he left for school, the nervousness he felt because of this math test he had not studied for, Jordan moking him in the cafeteria, and then, the harsh, bright and sudden pain rushing through his body and mind, right in the middle of physic class, leaving him breathless and curved around himself, worried voices and grabbing hands surrounding him. He couldn't remember how he had succeed in pushing back the pain, and found the strengh to get up, but he had found himself running, without even worrying about being seeing running half shifted, throwing himself toward his home, and his dying pack.
When he finally arrived, his clothes torned by brambles and branches, firemen were already there, running and shouting. He had stopped dead in his track, contempling with bare horror the flammes , listening to the horrid cries of his traped familly, feeling them disapear from his mind one by one. The agressive smell of burning flesh was everywhere, but even with it, he could smell the familiar scent that would forever haunt his nightmare. Kate had been there. Kate, who he had trusted. Kate who said she was not like all hunters. Kate who had betrayed him.
Later, he would remember that it was the moment he had lost it, completely. He had read on the police report later that they had to contain him, preventing him from entering the fire, four men barely enough to hold him still, while he teared his throat shouting and crying. In the end, it was Laura who calmed him, holding him down, and ordering him to stop, to stay put. He had obeyed. After all, she was the alpha now.
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When he regained consciousness, he was in a hospital bed. A soft morning light was coming through the window, announcing an early spring. The usual medication smells were floating all around, agressing his nose, mixted with a familiar one, Laura' scent. All of that stained by this terrible burning smell.
He din't stir, while all the memory of the events came back to him. He coudn't figure out how he end up here, but he knew why. In his mind, in the place where all his pack members had been, there was now a raw hole. He could only feel the strong presence of Laura, and a weak one, hardly there. They were dead. And it was his fault. He trusted Kate, gave her informations and the opportunity to strike. And she took it. Derek felt the burning tears in his eyes, falling slowly on his cheeks. His throat was so tightened it was hurting. He felt so helpless and miserable that he didn't hear the door when it opened. He realized he was not alone when a hand fell on his shoulder, making him jump in surprise. His sister was standing next to the bed, with a grim face, her eyes red from crying. She didn't talk at first, starring at him. He looked away, unable to bear her gaze, the shame nibling at his mind.
Finally, the thick silence was broked by her soft voice.
“How are you Derek ? I was really worried when you didn't wake up right away.”
How was he ? He couldn't believe she even bothered asking. What kind of answer did she think she would obtain ? A spark of anger emerged in the blurred cloud of his sorrow. Of course he was not okay, and he didn't even know if he could be one day.
He shrugged, not feeling enough in control to answer verbally. Laura sighed, visibly tired, not knowing what to read in the gesture. The silence settled once again, incomfortable. It seems she was willing to talk with him, to clarify things, to plan. It was her role now to cary all this burden. But in Derek's eyes, it seems like she was unsured how to do it, how to be both the Alpha and his sister, how to be strong and firm while being also comforting and maternal with him. It was a thing Talia, their mother and Alpha, had always been able to do. And now Laura had to do it. Derek was not sure he could bear it, seeing his mum's shadow in Laura.
He was pushed back in the present by his sister's voice, stronger than before.
“We have to talk” she declared, looking at him with serious eyes. He nodded, feeling his stomach dropped with anxiety. She knew what he had done and she was going to kick him out of the pack. His fear must have shown on his face, and she softened her expression, while passing a hand through his hair.
“Calm down, puppy, everything is gonna be alright. Eventually. We just have a long road in front of us, and we can't let the grief stepped in. It is a matter of survival. Okay ?”
Again he nodded, feeling slightly relieved.
“Good” she started again “To begin, Uncle Peter is still alive.” At this word, Derek felt a wave of joy invade him, but it was fast crushed by what Laura had still had to say.
“He is in a deep coma, with most of his body badly burned. Doctors don't think he will be able to wake up. Hell, Deaton don't think he will heal. His flesh is way too damaged.”
A soft whine escaped Derek's mouth. Again, she gently rubbed his hair, in an attempt to comfort him.
“I know sweety, I know” she whispered to him. She waited a little, before continuing.
“Now, I want you to be very careful with what I am going to say. The fire was not an accident. It was provoked. It means only one thing : hunters. And I think it was the Argents.”
Derek stiffed, waiting for the fall.
“We have to be carefull. They will try to finish the job once they realise we are still alive.”
Not a word about Kate. Laura din't know about his role in the fire, about his betrayal. He was beginning to feel sick. She didn't know, she was not going to reject him. And he was guilty. And even so, she was considerate, nice with him, and he didn't deserve any of it. He clenched his fists around the sheets, his claws slowly piercing his palms, while anger and anguish rushed in his mind. It seemed to slightly alarmed his sister, who immediately took hold of his hands, trying to stop him.
“Calm down Derek ! I will never let them hurt you ! I promise !”
Laura gently let go of his hands, and gathered him in her arms, slowly roking him, in an attempt to appease him. She was mistaking his guilt and selfhate for fear realized Derek, still a little stunned by his sudden outburst. He let her hold him, taking comfort in the heat of her body, in her steady heart beat, all the telltales of her being alive. They stayed interlaced for some minutes, taking solace in eachother presence, before she let him go.
“Alright ? “ she asked him softly, offereing him a slight smile. He gave her a weak nod, breathing slowly, trying to control his emotions.
“Okay. Now, here what is going to happen. You are not an adult, and I am barely one, even if I am legal. So the government is not going to entrust me with you right away. For now, you are going in a foster familly, while I take care of all the details to keep you with me. And of all the papers about our family. Our lawyer doesn't think it will take a lot of time. So we just have to be patient and all will be fine. Do you understand ?”
Her words, the idea of being separated from her, throwed him in a new wave of panic. He had never though it would be a possibility to be apart from his family, and now that he had lost the majority of it, it was impossible to even imagine not to be with his sister. But Laura was looking at him with this glint in her eyes, showing him how much she needed him to understand she couldn't do more, that she was barely containing her own pain to be able to take care of him, of them, and he had to do everything he could to help her, even if it was taking the last pieces of his strengh to do so.
Slowly, he nodded, and she let out a sight, relieved.
“The doctor is going to examine you, and you will be discharged. The foster family is going to be here soon, and you will go with them.”
She stopped talking, looking at him with sad eyes. Derek examined her with attention, noticing that she looked very tired. She was wearing the same clothes that the day before. And she had a french braid, the way her mother loved to do her hair, the way Laura had always abhored, complaining it gave her a funny head. It was a sad detail decided Derek, with detachment. She raised an interogative eyebrow, maybe noticing his examination. He shaked his head in answer, not willing to speak about what he saw in her right now. She seems to accept it and she looked at her watch, before talking again.
“I am sorry but I have to go now. I have a meeting with our lawyer and a judge. I promess I will try to come by as soon as I can.” She lean down to kiss him on the cheek.
“Try to be a cute and nice boy with the foster familly, okay little monkey ?” She added with a taunting smile, while she gently tickled his ribs. He responded with a grumpy growl, which made her laugh. It was strange to be able to joke around with the current situation, realized Derek, while Laura left the room, waving at him.
It was also at this moment he realized he had not talked once during all the conversation, and that he was not even sure he was able to do so. Slowly, he bend his head, looking at his intertwined hands. This was so fucked up.
At first, nobody really realized he had stopped talking, not even the foster family, not even Laura. They were not expecting from a traumatized teenager that he started sharing and babling just after such an awful event. Instead, they let him be, giving him time and space.
The family which had welcomed him was composed of three members : the parents, Dalya and Neil, and their 3 years old son, Andrew. Derek liked them, and it was a shame they met in those circumstances.
Neil was a very quit man, all soft smiles and calm manners. Derek could barely believe the patience the man seemed to have. He was an architect, often working at home. When he was not in his study, he was often find cooking meals, playing with his son, or just carving wood, his hobby. He even offered several time to teach Derek, but he did not feel like doing much right now.
Dalya was a teacher at kindergarten. She loved her job and when she was not at school, she spend a lot of time working on her lessons, clearly trying her best to offer her young students a good education. She was more energic that her husband and very enthousiast. She could often be seen running around the house, switching activities as soon as her eyes would fall on something catching her attention. She could be a lot to take for Derek sometimes, but he liked her positivity.
Little Andrew was a delight and nothing could change Derek's mind. The little boy was happy and smiling, seen more often playing and laughing than anything else. As soon as Derek had arrived in the house, he had latched on him and would spend hours with him, even when Derek didn't have the energy to play with him. Then, he would just keep him company, making him feel better just being here.
He had his own bedroom, a brand new set of clothes, and even, at his great consternation, a stuffed wolf, after the suggestion of a laughing Laura, that Dalya had bought for him. She didn't seem to understand that a 16 year old teenager didn't need such comfort. Or maybe she though it was cute ? Or hilarious ?
All in all, the situation was settling down, and it could have been worse, like Laura reminded him quite often. She was making progress with the papers to become Derek's guardian. Peter was stable, and Derek went to see him twice, despite the heavy sadness and anguish it always provoked.
But days passed and Derek wasn't talking. And eventually, people started to confront him about it. His foster parents were trying to make him talk, engaging converstaions and asking questions. It led nowhere, but to a feeling of frustration his part. He would have appreciated them leaving him alone with this issue, since he had clearly other things to deal with, way worse. He could hear them talk when he was in his bedroom, worring and considering the help of a therapist. The young wolf was not really happy about the idea, and made it quite clear when they started to explain to him he had to go. He simply refused to go out his room the entire day, not even looking at them when they tried to convince him. Finally, they gave up, Dalya thinking he needed more time, and Neil agreeing with his wife.
In the end, he was forced to go, his sister not taking no for an answer.
She had also tried to make him speak when she had realized something was wrong. She had used the same methods as his foster parents. But she had not the same patience. She had started to plead, obviously upset by his mutism. And then came the anger. She shouted at him, menaced him, cried, and menaced again. Eventually she did the only thing he could not ignore. In a burst of anger, she used her Alpha status, her eyes glowing red, her face shifting and a furious growl escaping her.
“Talk !” she shouted, sending an impulse through their link. It reached him violently, the order squeezing him into obedience. He opened his mouth, trying to form words, anything to relieve the pressure of her will. He could feel the words jostling, forming in the back of his throat. And then the nausea striked him, making him bend, his breath fasted and laborious. His knees hit the floor and, mushed by the loud noise of his blood resounding in his ears, he could hear the worried voice of Laura, already hugging him, telling him that he could stay silent, and that she was sorry. She was upset and it was his fault. He couldn't even do something as simple as talk to relieve his sister's burden. The shame was a heavy pressure on his stomach, joining the guilt that never left him since he had woken up in that hospital bed.
In the end, it was the last time Laura succumbed to her anger and used her Alpha voice on him. Instead, she begged him to go to the therapist, and he did not find the strengh to refuse.
It didn't go wrong. But it didn't go well either. He spent one month going twice a week, reluctant at first, and finally just done with it. At first, even if he was not pleased with the situation, he really tried. He had to, for his sister, already hands full with all the legal stuffs and so tired, so sad, even if she tried not to show him how hard it was for her. Also for Dalya and Neil, ever so patient, trying their best to understand him, making so much effort to ease him back into normality. He didn't want them to waste so much time on him and if he was able to talk, it would be something less to worry about.
So he tried, even if it was not for himself, but because he couldn't bear to be a burden. But he didn't like the way the doctor talked to him, with a paternalistic and all knowing expressions, asking for too much, making him feel all wrong and broken. The man didn't tried to work with him and just explained him how things should work, what goals were to be reached, with no bending to his rules. He was so focused on making him talk that he would sometimes ignore Derek's attempts to convey his thoughts to him, dismissing his notes, castigating him when he used facial expressions or his hands, only leading his patient to frustration.
After weeks of failures, Derek's moods was becoming sourer. It is was finally Dalya that put a stop the therapy. Since Derek had started to see that doctor, she couldn't help but notice the decrease in his communication rather than him regaining his speech as it was expected. When he had done just fine with writing notes and gestures some weeks ago, he was now using them less and less, always with reluctance, making it difficult for Neil and her to understand the teenager, locking him further into his mind.
Upset, she quickly had made the connection between the therapy and this regression. She didn't ever think about it. She simply asked Derek if he wanted to stop going, to which he energetically approved. She then promply cancelled every sessions that were booked, to Derek's dismay and satisfaction.
Satisfaction that quickly turned to grumpiness when she had wanted to talk about it, and no, Derek didn't want that to happen. But she was not to be deterred and she forced his notebook and a pen in his hand, and sat down on his bed, ready to stay right here until she was satisfied with what he had to say on the issue. With no sign of him willing to start to explain himself, she decided to help him a little and start the conversation.
"Derek, if it was that upsetting for you to go to therapy, why didn't you just say so? " She asked him softly, trying to meet his eyes. He avoid her gaze, looking at his hands, playing with the pen and the notebook she gave him. He shrugged, not really knowing what to say on the matter. They wanted him to go. What else should he have done ?
''You do know that neither Neil, Laura or I are okay with forcing you into something that makes you uncomfortable, right, honey ? " She added, trying to stressed out how much she wanted to be here for him but on his terms.
She was starting to realise they might have force the issue too much and caused more pain than healing. After all, he had done more than alright before, and even without talking, he had communicated easily with the tools in his possession, not seemingly disturbed by his lack of speech as long as he was understood. But they though talking would help with everything else : what if it helped him heal ? Share his pain ? Be social again ? In the end, they hadn't listen to him. The issue had come from them. And maybe that therapist had not helped at all in that matter either.
And now, she was trying to talk to him and he would not answer, the notebook and the pen unused in his hands, his eyes elusive, his face closed. He was ashamed she realised, her heart clenching with guilt. They made him go to that therapist, and he had go, even when he had refused so many times. And he had stayed, because he thought they wanted him fixed, because he now saw himself as damaged, a burden. Her heart clenched at the sight, affection for the boy rising in her. They had to do better, to be better fo him.
"I am sorry Derek" She told him with sincerity, taking hold of his hand. He seemed surprised, finally looking at her, with a startled expression.
"Listen, I am sorry we didn't listen to you. You didn't want to go and it should have been that. If in any way it made you think you are wrong, broken or that the only way to communicate is with a voice, I want you to know that's not right. Millions of people across the world don't use their voice and they are just fine. The only important thing is for you to be able to communicate and be happy with the way you do it. And as long as it is okay for you, it will be okay for us, I promess. "
He seemed uncertain, thoughts obviously running fast in his mind. Finally, he slowly openned his notebook and start writing. When he was done, he gave her the notebook, his expression sad and a bit defetist.
"I did not want Laura to be disapointed. She wanted it so much. She has already so many things to deal with. I need to make it easy for her".
Dalya let out a sight. Laura. Yes, she had been the most convinced that sending him to therapy was the solution, mind set on him talking again. And it was obvious how much his sister meant for Derek. He could not bear to disapoint her. Dalya had a lot of admiration for that woman, so strong, so energic and full of conviction. But she was still so young and grieving, and it might blured the lines of what was the right things to do for her brother at the moment. Her pain was driving her to find quick solutions where problems could have been gently bypassed, giving time for healing to happen naturally and at its pace. And maybe she needed help to see that.
"Don't worry about it Derek," she told him with a rassuring smile." She wants what is the best for you after all. I am going to explain to her why you won't go back to therapy. For now, you will do as you please on the matter. We will only help you find other ways if it is what you want. Okay ? "
He nodded, with a still guarded expression. It was clear he was not convinced and still unsure about his sister's reaction. But it will do for now, she thought. Only time could show him he could relax and let himself learn his own way.
As promised, she explained to a pissed Laura what she had decided. At first, the young woman had been furious Dalya had taken the decision without her, but after she had explained what she had figured out observing her brother, she had calm down, clearly feeling guilty and worried. And she had reluctantly given her thanks, grateful for the intervention at last, but still pissed she had played such a role in her brother's ill being.
Fom here, things finally started to get better. It was difficult at first to ease back into his earlier way of communicate, but with time and encouragement from his familly, it started to feel better. He was nodding and making faces, which never failled to make little Andrew laught at him. It lead to the creation of a large repertory of facial expressions just for him. He was really fond of the little demon, spending all his days with him, since he didn't go to school anymore. He also started to learn carving with Neil. Every night after Andrew was put to sleep, the both of them would spend hours in Neil's workshop, silently working on their own project, the man showing Derek how to handle the tools, what kind of woods he could use, all the possibilities of the craft. With Neil, Derek found an new kind of expression, one he never would have thought about some months ago, and that was becoming a big part of his expression.
He also started to leave writing notes to people, illustrating them with funny drawings, that never failed to ravish Laura. It was of course an attempt to ease her worry, to show her he was fine despite his incapacity to verbally communicate.
And again thanks to Dalya, he started to learn Sign Language, after he had shyly asked her about it. She was adament to help him as much as she could, and she decided to learn with him, despite her heavy schedules due to her being a full time teacher. She bought books, suscribed to websites and they would spend hours together, studying as much as they could. Neil would helped whenever he could and Andrew was always happy to learn some words with his big brother Derek. Due to a lot of travels, dealing with lawyers and life assurances, Laura was not able to visit him a lot lately, but whenever she came by, she would try to learn with him, and he knew she was working on it on her own. She had latched on it fiercely, seeing it as the way to make amend for the awful ordeal he had go through earlier. All in all and despite all odds, Derek started to get back on his feet and regained control of his life.
He was slowly settling down in his new life when Laura finally got the right to become Derek's guardian, about five months after the fire. She already had decided some months ago they would not stay in Beacon Hill, afraid they would be a target for hunters. To say Derek was upset was en euphemism. After the fire and the hard times he had to ajust to the situation, the guilt, the burning emptiness in his mind where his familly had had been, Dalya, Neil and Andrew had become a safe haven for him. They were so different from his own familly but so loving and warm that they had succeed in coming through his armor, and help him.
And now Laura wanted him to leave them behind, and he could felt his heart shattered the moment she had announced him they had to move. It has been on an early afternoon. She had been on a trip for two weeks and had just returned. He was so happy to see her and she was obviously feeling the same, a bright smile illuminating her face when she saw him in the kitchen where he was making hot chocolate for Andrew and himself. She ran to hug him, barely sparing the hot mugs he was holding. He returned the hug, leaning in it with happiness.
“I missed you little monkey !” she said fondly, while ruffling his hair. He answered with a brigh smile, clapping her hand off his head. Then he proceed to ask her where the hell she had been, signing impatiently. Her smile faltered, slowly replaced by a serious expression. Derek knew right away he was not going to like the answer. She took a profound inspiration, before announcing bluntly what she had in mind.
“I was in New-York, preparing our move there. We are leaving in two days”.
Shocked, he felt the air leaving his lungs. He was a little dizzy. Leaving Beacon Hill ? He grew up here. His family's ashes were here. Peter was here. Dalya, Neil and Andrew were here. It was not possible. He started to frantically shake his head, anger and distress rising. Laura rose her hands, to calm him down.
“I am sorry Derek. You have to understand me ! We don't have a choice. If we stay here, we are going to die ! They are going to kill us ! They could burn down this house like they did to ours !”
Those last words froze Derek. He looked at her with raw horror, images of flames, smells of burning flesh vivid in his mind. Little Andrew trapped, Neil dead, Dalya crying and suffering, ...
There was no way he could let it happen. They were a target, they had to leave. He was starting to feel sick. Her sister came closer to him, and tentatively she started rubbing his arms, trying to repel the tremors in his body. He looked right in her eyes, his iris flashing a bright blue, before he nods gravely. She stared at him, so strong and sad. They understood each others, and words were useless.
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And finally the day they had to leave had come.
It was a saturday morning, and the weather was way too chearfull for such gloomy moods.
Dalya had spent the morning helping Derek with his luggages, giving him advices about packing, trying to fill the space with idle chatter so they wouldn't have to think about what was to come. He had had a hard time keeping it together when Neil had solemly entered his bedroom and had silently gave him a woodbox, he had clearly made himself, full of carving tools.
Then everything was ready and Laura was waiting for him. It was hard, and not only for him. Dalya had red eyes, Andrew was crying and Neal was barely holding it together. They were all assembled around the car his sister had just bought.
They had exchanged long hugs, promesses to keep in touch, and then they had to leave. Derek had a hard time focusing, everything going so fast. When Laura started the car, a knock on the window lured their attention. It was Dalya, holding the stuffed wolf she gave him so many months ago. Derek openned the window and gratefully took it, giving her a sad smile. They looked at each other, tears in their eyes. Nothing to say but everything clear between the two of them. He nodded to her, his throat sore with emotions. When Laura finally started the car, he kept his eyes on them as long as he could. The giggling little boy who brough back joy in his life. The calm and steady man that welcomed him in his house without batting an eye. The kind, soft and strong woman who never asked too much of him, giving without asking, that would forever stay in his heart. This familly he would always love and that he had to leave.
He fell asleep two hours later, lulled by the music Laura had put, craddling the wolf against his chest, sorrow in his mind and love in his heart .