Work Text:
turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
TG: yo rose
TG: congratulations
TT: Oh my. I shudder to think what might have happened to warrant the celebrations that are apparently in order.
TG: what seriously
TG: somebody tells you congratulations the first thing you think is oh great what bad thing could this possibly be
TG: thats some cynical shit rose
TG: like i know you used to shop at hot topic
TG: but damn
TT: I’m afraid it’s my brand.
TT: Even though all the Hot Topics are dead, I carry their message inside my soul.
TT: It’s my legacy.
TG: holy shit
TG: that woulda looked awesome on a hot topic tshirt
TT: If only our world had been allowed to persist.
TT: Who knows what other awesome t-shirts I might have pioneered.
TG: wow
TG: thats...
TG: thats actually kind of sad
TT: Sorry.
TT: I forgot this is meant to be a happy occasion.
TT: Apparently.
TG: yeah it totally is
TT: Great.
TT: So why don’t you tell me what the good news is, and I’ll flip through my closet of knockoff diy post-apocalyptic Hot Topic t-shirts for the appropriate response.
TT: Maybe I’ll surprise us both.
TG: ok cool
TG: so check it
TG: ...
TT: ...?
TG: youre an aunt
TT: ...
TT: What?
TG: you heard me
TG: and you know what even if you didnt turns out were writing to each other you can just peek up a couple lines and check it again at your leisure
TT: I guess I can...
TT: It’s almost as if my confusion doesn’t stem from difficulties in hearing, but from incredulous bemusement.
TG: nothin incredulous about this bemusement
TG: welcome to the wide world of aunthood rose
TT: Ah yes now it’s all so clear.
TG: good
TG: hows it feel
TT: It feels like you and Karkat are up to some nonsense.
TG: what theres nothing nonsensical about being a parent rose i know we didnt have the best ever role models but cmon take this seriously
TT: Alright, let me rephrase this.
TT: While I know troll reproduction is bisexual, I’m afraid it seems our species is quite incompatible with theirs on that front.
TT: At least by the more conventional Earth methods.
TG: oh
TT: I know this for a fact, Dave.
TG: oh no
TT: Through extensive research.
TG: god fucking dammit
TT: And I was thoroughly convinced you did as well.
TG: i am not having this conversation
TT: But if you two have somehow stumbled upon a new technique that proves the conventional wisdom wrong, then I am all ears.
TG: no
TG: ug
TG: why does this always happen
TT: You walked right into that one, Dave.
TT: I will apologize for nothing.
TT: But I will offer, as an olive branch dipped in the irony you hold so dear, this suggestive smirky face:
TT: 😏
TG: oh my god
TG: fuck
TG: we made a plant ok
TT: ...
TT: A plant?
TG: yeah
TG: our block was lookin hella dreary so we alchemized a little succulent
TG: it was cute and fun til you made it weird
TT: I made it weird?
TG: fuck yes you did
TT: Dave, you approached me, utterly unprompted, with the insistence that you and Karkat, your serious romantic partner, had somehow birthed a child together.
TT: And I‘m the one making it weird by introducing sex into the equation?
TG: yes you fucking are
TT: Oh no!
TT: It’s...
TT: It’s happening again!
TG: ??
TT: 😏
TG: jesus fuck
TT: I’m sorry. What am I thinking?
TT: This is supposed to be a joyous time for you.
TG: thank you yes it is
TT: Have you picked out a name yet?
TG: yeah of course we have
TT: And that is?
TG: snoop dogg vantas-strider
TT: I can’t possibly imagine who had the final say in that one.
TG: well i got to pick the first name
TT: *Gasp*
TG: but that meant karkat got to do his last name first
TG: were gonna switch off for the next one
TT: This is going to wreak havoc on the school rolls.
TG: naw its cool everybodys gonna know theyre related theyre gonna be the only succulents on the block with dope ass shades
TT: Oh god, did you...?
TG: naw not yet
TG: we decided thats a decision he can make when hes older
TG: dont wanna force that on a kid
TT: That’s... a very wise decision, I think.
TG: thanks we thought so too
TT: What prompted this new addition to the family, if I may ask?
TG: i told you
TG: our respite block was lookin sad as hell its a sea of shitty movie posters and even shittier comics in there rose
TG: i know its our style but its also been our style since we were 13 we thought we could use a little greenery
TG: call it creeping maturity
TT: Believe it or not I was tempted to call it that.
TG: nice
TT: I’m not talking in decorative terms.
TG: oh boy whats this gonna be
TT: Although I am thrilled to hear that you’re moving beyond home goods featuring Sweet Bro or Hella Jeff’s head...
TG: whoa who the fuck said anything about moving on
TT: I wonder if this sudden urge to ironically play at starting a family with Karkat stems from a more genuine place.
TG: wait
TG: what the fuck rose
TT: It’s a valid question.
TG: uh last i checked no its not not when youre sixteen
TT: Are you sure about that?
TT: I realize that as we’re both in same-sex, inter-species relationships we’re more or less doubly safeguarded against it...
TG: oh my god
TT: But countless teenagers our age and even considerably younger have been faced with just such a question, many without a say in the matter.
TG: oh yeah lucky us thank god we didnt have to grow up too fast or anything due to circumstances imagine how much that woulda sucked
TT: Touché.
TG: thanks
TG: ...
TG: so does that mean you
TG: um
TG: boy i feel like im gettin weirdly personal here but to be fair you did bring this up first
TG: so im just gonna chant that like a war cry holdin out my stupid ass spear while i charge the giant impenetrable fortress of genuine sibling concern slash interest
TG: dont know what i think im gonna achieve here im just stabbin a stone wall with a shitty pointy stick all by myself
TG: the rest of my armys back at the trench they told me not to do it they said its a suicide mission but i cant hear them over my dumb ass war cry
TT: You want to know if I’ve considered starting a family with Kanaya.
TG: oh hey what do you know i stabbed in just the right spot the whole big stone wall collapsed and crushed me to death
TG: not sure it really counts as breaching a wall if youre just under it
TT: It’s a reasonable question, Dave.
TT: As you pointed out with your adorable little war cry that became your last words as you were smashed to a pulp, I am the one who brought it up.
TG: i mean
TG: yeah
TT: There’s clearly evidence that I’ve considered it just as much, if not more than you with your adorable hyphenated plant offspring.
TG: whoa wait
TT: I’ve thought about it.
TT: A lot.
TG: oh
TT: Of course I think I might be in a special situation.
TT: Kanaya does, after all, consider herself charged with the perpetuation of her entire species.
TG: oh shit thats right
TG: i guess parenthood must come up a lot huh
TG: like for every time karkat and i are arguing about dane cook you guys are literally tryna figure out how to avert troll extinction
TT: I’m not trying to diminish your own problems, Dave.
TT: I’m sure you and Karkat have deeper conversations than the merits of Dane Cook’s supposed ability to carry a movie for an entire two hours.
TG: naw go ahead and diminish it its fine we do talk about that a LOT
TG: its just most of the time theres real deep subtext thats invisible to the untrained ear
TT: I’m sure.
TG: its like a whole language
TG: there are untold worlds in the ways you can discuss that stupid smarmy way too puffy face that for some reason karkat cant get enough of
TT: I can only imagine.
TG: but uh back to you and kanaya you guys actually talk about that stuff?
TG: even with all the
TG: you know
TG: extenuating circumstances and shit
TT: ...That depends.
TT: Which extenuating circumstances and shit do you mean?
TT: That I’m in love with someone who has no working knowledge of the concept of family as I understand it?
TT: But is wracked with guilt and fear over her own understanding that I myself have virtually no context for?
TT: Or that my own upbringing has left me with such a warped concept of family that I don’t know if I even have a firm grasp on the version I’m meant to be representing anyway?
TT: Or that I’m actually not sure if it’s something I’d like to pursue at all, but I do feel distinctly cheated of the privilege of sorting out whether that’s due to nature or (lack of) nurture.
TT: Or maybe I should allay all those anxieties by focusing on the grand overarching fact that none of this may matter anyway, since we are rapidly approaching the end of our journey and a future that is unknowable in every way apart from the inescapable weighty certainty of extreme peril.
TG: ...
TG: i guess you have been thinking about this a lot
TT: Oh god.
TT: I’m so sorry.
TT: That was a wall of text, wasn’t it?
TT: I didn’t mean for all of that to come out.
TT: ...
TT: I’m realizing now that I may have been projecting a little onto what, at its root, may have been nothing more than an adorably dumb joke about a houseplant.
TG: ayy sweet plant pun
TT: What?
TT: Oh.
TT: Root.
TG: hell yeah dont let anybody tell you you dont still got it rose you totally do
TT: Who’s been spreading that terrible slander?
TG: heh
TG: no but for real dont worry youre not goin off the deep projecting end
TG: like everything you said pretty much totally applies to me too
TG: apart from the whole continuing the race thing like if thats on karkat hes bein hella cagey about it just between you and me i think hes droppin the ball hard on that one
TT: Heh.
TG: its a good thing we got kanaya as a backup
TT: It probably is.
TG: so yeah i mean while we pretty much did just make this dumb plant as a joke
TG: i definitely think about the future sometimes
TG: and so does he
TG: and very occasionally we even sort of talk about it buried beneath ten layers of argument over the shape of dane cooks eyebrows
TT: That sounds nice.
TG: haha what
TG: really?
TG: cuz from my end that sounds like the silliest shit ever shat its my life but im not afraid to admit that
TT: Yes, well...
TT: It’s still communication.
TG: wait hold up
TG: have you guys like
TG: not
TG: actually talked about this ever
TG: i thought the whole point here was you talk about this a lot
TT: No, we talk about the Matriorb.
TT: Possible ways we could circumvent its necessity...
TT: Find a new one...
TT: Ectobiologize the old one...
TT: It works the incredible trick of keeping my own concerns fresh in my mind, but at the same time making them seem terribly insignificant compared to hers.
TT: It’s quite the one-two punch.
TG: shit rose
TT: So I usually opt not to bring them up at all.
TG: thats
TG: man im sorry that sucks
TG: i mean i totally get it
TG: but it sucks
TT: It does indeed suck.
TG: you know if she knew how much this was getting to you shed totally want to talk to you about this right
TG: like she loves you theres no way shed actually want you to think your problems are too small or do this self sacrificing bullshit
TG: youre not stupid rose you know that
TT: Wow.
TG: what
TG: ?
TG: rose you cant just type wow after someone gives you advice and leave it at that that word could mean like twelve different things
TT: Sorry.
TT: Honestly, I was just reflecting on how much Karkat has rubbed off on you.
TG: oh
TG: haha yeah im not sure if its him or just his stupid movies
TT: Is there a difference?
TG: you know sometimes i cant tell
TT: Heh.
TG: yeah but anyway that tracks were in one of karkats terrible romcoms im your sassy gay best friend slash world weary moirail depending on whether youre watchin the human or troll version either way im played by rupert everett
TT: Ha!
TG: and im here to tell you in no uncertain terms to talk to your girl
TT: Yes. I know that I should.
TT: It’s just...
TT: Every day we get closer to the end of our journey.
TT: And what comes after that is nothing but an enormous question mark.
TT: Rocking the boat now feels... fruitless.
TT: In three months’ time either everything will work out as planned and we’ll have all the time we could want to think about the future...
TT: Or it won’t.
TT: And there won't be a future to think about.
TT: So why bother with it now?
TG: shit
TT: Sorry.
TT: This is a lot to lay at your feet when all you wanted to do was ironically tell me you’d somehow given birth to a cactus.
TG: its a succulent not a cactus
TT: Oh. My mistake.
TG: its an important distinction theres no thorns its hells less painful
TT: Haha.
TG: yeah but seriously i get what youre saying
TG: in fact not to do my own projecting here but i bet everybody would
TG: were all in the same boat
TG: youre not admitting to anything weird here is what im gettin at
TT: Yes, you’re probably right.
TG: but yknow you and i are probably way more in the same boat what with our relationships and uh
TG: concerns about the future
TG: like were not just in the same boat were sharin a seat
TG: both tryna row with the same paddle
TG: the camp counselors like yall know theres other paddles on this boat right
TG: and were like nope were good were just gonna try to awkwardly share this one janky ass paddle fallin stupid in gay love with somebody whos not our species and not god tier and we all may only have three months to live this is our choice were good with that
TG: and then we flip the whole canoe over
TT: ...I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an analogy so simultaneously absurd and devastating.
TG: obviously you dont talk to me enough
TT: Hahaha.
TG: yeah i guess what im sayin is if you dont feel like you can talk to kanaya about this even though that is definitely a thing you should be doing
TG: you can talk to me
TG: um
TG: and me talking to you might also be a thing thats nice
TT: That would be nice.
TG: cool
TT: Cool.
TG: what are you doin right now
TG: you wanna come over and see the new addition
TG: i mean i donno if we can have a real private heart to heart at the moment cuz karkats here
TG: and also snoop if were gonna keep up the ironic charade of pretending hes a real person and not just a plant
TG: for the record we do know hes just a plant we havent like gone insane with three years of cabin fever were not hallucinating
TG: were not spongebob and patrick in that episode where they try to raise a scallop
TT: The thought had not crossed my mind.
TT: Now, however, I can’t seem to shake the image.
TG: naw it wouldnt work we decided years ago im sandy and hes plankton
TT: ...
TT: Oh my god.
TT: That is perfect.
TG: i know right
TG: anyway
TG: what im sayin is if you wanna come talk i can get karkat to take baby snoop out for some fresh stale laboratory air
TG: or you can just hang out with both of us if you want we havent done that in a while it might be nice
TT: Yes. That does sound nice.
TT: You don’t have to ask Karkat to leave. This is already much more than I was planning on talking about this today, which was none, and I think I’m well beyond done with it for the time being.
TG: thats cool
TT: Besides, I’m intrigued by the idea of seeing the two of you carry out this adorable child rearing scenario.
TG: oh its so adorable you have no idea were the best dads ever
TT: I’m sure you’re the very picture of American family values.
TG: hell yeah we are
TG: turns out a couple teen alien dudes in love raising up a succulent they named after two different species versions of a dead rapper was the real american family values all along
TG: who knew
TT: Oddly enough, I think your case might be the current pinnacle of American family values, purely by default.
TG: haha yeah youre right
TT: Somewhere Billy Graham is rolling in the grave he never got.
TG: he totally is
TT: ...You have no idea who that is, do you?
TG: ok maybe i dont know him personally or specifically or anything
TT: Ha!
TG: but i like to think hed be mad proud of us
TT: I’m sure he would be.
TT: Alright, I’m coming over. I should be there in ten minutes or so.
TG: cool
TT: All jokes aside...
TG: whoa easy there lalonde
TT: I know, perish the thought.
TT: But seriously... I actually think you and Karkat will make very good parents someday, if you ever decide to move on from ironic plants.
TG: oh
TG: uh
TG: thanks
TG: ...
TG: same?
TT: Haha, thank you, Dave.
TT: You know, as hopelessly awkward as that response was, it was actually somewhat heartening.
TG: good cuz it was real awkward
TT: And thank you for...
TT: You know.
TG: yeah of course
TT: I’ll see you soon.
TG: cool cant wait
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]