Archive of Our Own

Kirk walked down the hallway of his beloved Enterprise. His duty shift had ended an hour ago so he had dressed in casual clothes that highlighted his best features in an elegant way. His expression was half serious and half joyful. He was trying hard to repress a smile as he walked. His stomach contained butterflies of nervousness that he hadn’t felt for years. Not even the knowledge that he’ll lose the Enterprise in a few months when his 5 year mission was completed could bring him down. Not tonight.

As the deadline for losing the Enterprise had drew near Kirk had found himself wondering just what he wished from life and what he would do when he was no longer the captain of the ship he had come to call home. He had quickly decided that captaining a starship was his true passion, the stars called to him and he would fight to keep the Enterprise. However, he had found that without Spock by his side even the Enterprise felt like a consolation prize. Slowly, little by little, Spock had become a closer and closer friend until Kirk had realized the Vulcan owned his heart and his soul. Yet he knew just because his own love had grown it didn’t mean Spock’s had. In fact he wasn’t even sure if Spock could acknowledge love though unlike McCoy who thought Spock incapable of such deep feelings Kirk was sure Spock could feel love. The question was if the Vulcan could act upon an emotion; especially one as all-consuming as love tended to be. He had thought long about it. Spock let him touch him, he would call him by his first name…he would look at him with such warmth in his eyes as if he was the brightest star in all of the universe. He would search for him if he was lost; never giving up. He had even smiled at him in joy when he had seen he was alive after the Pon Farr and what was more was that Spock had managed to survive the Pon Farr without mating. He did not wish to be arrogant but he wanted to believe he had had something to do with that. All these small signs of emotions from Spock had made Kirk sure the Vulcan felt the same way he did but had been too afraid to speak up. Well, Kirk had never had that problem so tonight he would talk with Spock about it.

When he reached Spock’s door he buzzed and when Spock’s ‘enter’ reached him he did so.

“Spock,” he acknowledged as he saw him sitting by his desk in front of his computer, finishing some reports. He was still in uniform and when he looked up at Kirk he raised an eyebrow at his casual clothes and the wide smile Kirk could not help but give him.

“Is there anything I can do for you, captain?” Spock asked him politely, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

“Maybe it’s more something we can do for each other,” Kirk replied with a seductive smile as he seated himself in a chair opposite Spock so only the table separated them.

“I am not sure I understand your meaning, captain,” Spock admitted.

Kirk smiled fondly before he explained, taking a deep breath. “Spock, I never was one to beat around the bush with these matters so I’m just going to come right out and said it.” His eyes were fixated intensely at his friend as he continued, suddenly fearing that he might have miscalculated. “I love you and I wish to be with you.”

Something Kirk could only describe as joy being brutally killed flashed across Spock’s face.

“Captain…” Spock began, his voice as much under Vulcan control as his face had become.

“No, wait,” Kirk urged, not wanting to hear a denial. “I’ve read about Vulcans and sex,” Spock looked away in embarrassment at this but Kirk went on, “I know your people cannot have casual sex and that a melding of minds is required.” Spock’s eyes returned to him and Kirk smiled reassuringly. “I want that. I want to share everything with you. I want to bond with you.”

“You do not know what you are saying,” Spock protested, a hint of panic to his words.

“Yes, I do. I wish to marry you,” Kirk insisted, trying to hide his annoyance at being talked about like he was a child who was unable to understand the implications of his own words. He had thought long and hard to reach this conclusion and it was not one he had taken lightly.

“Your past…” Spock began but Kirk interrupted him with an impatient wave of his hand.

“Forget the past, Spock. I’ve never been unfaithful to anyone and I would not start with you.”

“A Vulcan bonding is for life,” Spock warned, raising an eyebrow to emphasize his point.

Kirk drew a deep breath to try and control his raising temper. “I know that and as I’ve said I want it that way.”

Spock seemed to consider this for a while before he gave a short shake of his head.

“Unacceptable.” His Vulcan mask was back in place and Kirk felt like hitting him.

“What in the world do you mean ‘unacceptable’?” Kirk asked angrily before a thought came to him and calmed him down like cold water. “Do you…you do wish to bond with me, right?” he asked hesitantly, suddenly no longer sure.

Spock was silent for a moment before he replied, “What I wish is irrelevant. A bonding with you would not be logical.”

“God damn it, Spock!” Kirk yelled and slammed his fist into the table. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. By Spock’s choice of words he drew the conclusion that Spock did have feelings for him, maybe even feelings as strong as love yet he could not allow himself to express them. Suddenly faced with thousands of years of Vulcan tradition he felt very small in comparison. “Spock…” he wasn’t sure what to do, what he wanted to say. In the end he settled for an honest and heartfelt request, “don’t do this.”

Spock briefly closed his eyes. “Jim. I am Vulcan. Do not ask of me what I cannot give.”

His voice was soft and tortured and Kirk was torn between feeling sorry for him and once more wishing to hit him.

“Spock…it can be logical to bond with me. We work together, our minds are compatible, you’ve told me as much and we’re already friends.” He saw the denial, which still flashed in Spock’s eyes, and added, “I know my mind must seem undisciplined to you but I can learn to control it better...the same goes with showing my feelings in public.” He knew he was dangerously close to begging but pride took a backseat to his desires and dreams for the future.

“I could never ask you to destroy so much of yourself for me,” Spock said softly, his concern for Kirk shining through.

“It would be worth it,” Kirk said softly and knew he meant those words. For a chance to finally be happy, to finally having found what he had been searching for all these years…yes, a few sacrifices would be more than worth it.

“You could not survive Pon Farr,” Spock protested, concern and something close to desperation in his voice.

“If that is true can you not just be with a prostitute or someone like that who is of a species that can? I mean what do unbonded males do? Some of them must outlive their partners even if they’re all bonded at their first Pon Farr,” Kirk insisted, feeling frustrated at Spock’s continued search for things which would make a bonding between them impossible instead of searching for ways to make it a reality.

“I…” Spock seemed to hesitate for a moment but then his resolve returned and his face and voice became unreadable. “No. I cannot give you that which you wish to find.”

Silence as unnerving as that found on a graveyard settled between them. Kirk felt drained of all energy, like he had just lost a hard battle and suddenly he realized he had. He who had won so many battles which should have been no win situations had lost the battle that had mattered most to him.

Slowly Kirk rose and cast one last look at his friend, knowing his confession of love had not only lost him the man he had wished to share a lifetime with but had also lost him a friendship he valued higher than anything.

“I do love you, Spock. Maybe one day that knowledge will mean something to you,” he said softly, having to hold tight control over his voice to not break down. Jim Kirk did not cry; not even when faced with shattered dreams.

As he turned to the door Spock’s voice stopped him. “Jim…” Kirk turned and looked at him and for a moment he forgot his own misery in the confusion and intense agony written on his friend’s face. Torn between two cultures, two kinds of duty it seemed clear to Kirk that as always Spock was unable to reconcile the Vulcan and the Human part of himself; with devastating results. “I am sorry.”

Kirk gave a weak smile. “Don’t you know? Apologies are as illogical as love.”

“Nevertheless...I never wished to cause you pain,” Spock said softly and Kirk had a feeling this was the last personal conversation he would have with his friend, maybe forever.

“I know but you still did,” Kirk said evenly. He opened the door and stood in the doorway as he turned back to face him again. “Whatever you’re looking for to finally feel happy and at home…I hope you find it even if it will not be with me.” With that he was gone, forcing himself to walk steadily back to his own quarters even though his heart was bleeding and his soul shattered. He was ignorant to the appraising looks his casually dressed beauty called upon from the crewmembers he passed, lost in his own dark thoughts.

* * *

Spock sat looking at the door Kirk had disappeared out of for 4.2 minutes, illogically wishing he would return. He had done the Vulcan thing, the logical thing yet his decision was tearing him apart. He was sure he would be unable to face his captain and friend again after this. In a few months when their mission was over he would leave Starfleet and Kirk. Maybe his answers were on Vulcan. He permitted himself one last warm thought for his friend…his t’hy’la.

“The problem is not that I do not love thee, t’hy’la…it is that I do,” Spock whispered softly in Vulcan. Love…a human emotion. A human weakness. He had spent his entire life trying to be Vulcan. Making compromises on Vulcan philosophy - as he had told his mother when his father had been injured on the way to Babel - was not possible. Vulcan might have his answers…It had to. He had nowhere else to go. This human emotion was too strong for him to keep fighting on his own. His solution would lie with the Gol masters and the achievement of Kolinahr. When first he had rid himself of all emotions the sentiment of loss and pain he was feeling now at having to send the man away he had come to love would disappear as well. To become fully Vulcan and rid himself of all human weaknesses Gol was his answer. It had to be because otherwise he was not sure what to do.

* * *

A year and a half had passed since Spock had denied his love and the years had not been kind on Kirk. He had lost the Enterprise and Spock to Gol at the same time. At first he had forced himself to see this as another battle to be won. He could do this. He would fight to get the Enterprise and Spock back. In the few months that had been left of their mission Kirk had forced himself to accept that Spock could never be anything more than his friend. Those months had been pure torture because like he had feared Spock had closed himself off from him. Gone were the small signs of emotion Spock had used to show him…gone was the kind friend he would share shore leave and off duty time with. In his place stood an emotionally controlled Vulcan who only spoke to him about official business and who never spent more time in his company than he had to. Kirk had forced his hurt and anger to the back of his mind and had told himself that he would get Spock back as a friend. After that he would find some way to deal with the pain of being so near yet so far away from him. The few months with Spock being as Vulcan as could be had taught him clearer than anything could that he would rather have something of Spock than nothing at all. Seeing him everyday yet not being able to reach him was worse than if he had been on the other side of the galaxy. At least in the latter case he would not every day be reminded of what he himself had destroyed with his foolish hopes of love.

As always Kirk had matched into battle, determined to win back his ship and his friend. For six months he had fought with everything he had. He had sent messages and even went to Gol himself to try and get in contact with Spock. He had called in every favor he had to try and get a message to Spock asking him to come back to him…to forgive him his human weakness and emotional outburst and return as his friend. No matter what he had tried Gol had been closed to him. He had read all he could on the Kolinahr and had learnt that not only would the discipline mean that Spock would rid himself of all emotions but many times the students of the Kolinahr spent years if not the rest of their lives in the monk like society. Finally Kirk had had to admit defeat; he could not reach Spock. He had then tried to hide the emptiness and pain he felt inside by fighting for the Enterprise. He had found that he had used up most of his good grace and favours when fighting to reach Spock. In a desperate attempt to gain more influence he had accepted promotion to Admiral. For the second time within three months Kirk had found himself defeated, as he had had to admit to himself that he was not getting the Enterprise back.

Stuck in a job he had no love for, far from the stars and even further from Spock, Kirk began to feel lonely and depressed. Most of his friends had lives, families or assignments far from him, leaving him feeling useless and abandoned. A little over a year after he had lost the Enterprise and Spock he also lost McCoy. Having tried unsuccessfully to drag Kirk up from his own prison of depression and misery McCoy had finally left, saying he could not stand to watch as Kirk ruined his life. Knowing he was right yet unable to act on it, Kirk had added McCoy to the growing list of what he considered his failures.

Yet despite his isolation and pain life did go on. He did his job as a robot and lived an empty life, his soul dead and his spirit finding no joy with anything at all. However, he must have done a good job for no one complained and he kept getting assignments which his assistant and everyone else assured him were important ones.

The assignment he was on today however was one he would rather not be on. He had been chosen as Starfleet’s official representative at Lady Amanda of Vulcan’s funeral. The shock of the news had shaken some of the feeling of death off Kirk. Amanda, Spock’s human mother, whom he remembered as a warm and vibrant woman, was gone. He could not believe she was dead. He got a report that explained the circumstances of her death. Two days prior to her death Sarek and Amanda had been guests on a planet called Gilaian, which was considered for membership with the Federation. However, the planet had a large underground movement of Separatists as they called themselves who saw the Federation as an enemy. They had seized the embassy and had held Sarek, Amanda and all the other Federation officials who had attended the meeting on Gilaian, hostage. Kirk had been saddened that he had not heard of the crisis before so he might have been able to help but it was a very big galaxy and the day still only held 24 hours. In the chaos of their rescue by Federation forces Amanda and ten other hostages had lost their lives. Sarek had sought to protect his wife and had been wounded in the process but his efforts had not spared her life as he had hoped it would.

The funeral was held on Vulcan six weeks after Amanda’s death as Sarek had not made a full recovery before this time. Kirk had been both hopeful and afraid that Spock might attend. He had kept taps on him and knew he was still at Gol but had wondered if maybe he would leave to bury his mother. However, with disappointment and relief he had found that Spock had not attended the funeral. Apparently not even Sarek had been able to get a message through to him.

The funeral had been large and impressive, with officials from all over the galaxy attending. Still Kirk had felt only sadness at having to attend the funeral of a woman who so quickly had earned his respect and admiration. Kirk’s eyes had fallen on Sarek and had stayed there. He seemed to have aged fifty years since Kirk had last seen him. There was a clear pain in his eyes which had not been there before and his movements seemed slow and hesitant. He was dressed as regal as ever and had admirable control as always. Kirk doubted anyone but he could see the sorrow in Sarek’s eyes and hear the faint shaking in his voice when he had spoken of his wife to the gathered guests - and this was only because he had become an expert in looking for emotions in Spock.

Feeling a link with Sarek since they had both lost Spock and both seemed to be hurting Kirk chose to approach the Ambassador after the reception with the intention of saying more than simple condolences.

“Ambassador, the loss of your wife saddens me deeply,” Kirk said formally but heartfelt to Sarek when he caught him at a free movement, a statue of Vulcan control in a house filled with sorrowful guests.

The older Vulcan nodded his head in acceptance of Kirk’s words. “Thank you, Admiral.” For a moment neither spoke. The stillness between them threatened to become tense.

“Do you wish to go for a walk? I often find fresh air helps,” Kirk suggested, having a feeling that if he was to have a more personal talk with Sarek he needed them to be alone. After the funeral a large reception had been held at city hall. Afterwards a much smaller reception had been held in Sarek and Amanda’s large home where only the closest associates of Vulcan and Sarek as well as family members attended. Kirk had been among those who had attended the last reception as well as the one at city hall.

“We can go to the garden,” Sarek said, a relieved gleam in his eyes that Kirk seemed to know that he hurt without him having to admit to it. This was something he had learnt from his years’ long association with Spock.

The weather was warm but given the lateness of the hour it was not uncomfortably so to Kirk. They walked in silence among the beautiful flowers until they reached a stone breach which stood beneath a large weeping willow, surrounded by flowers. Kirk seated himself next to Sarek and saw he was lost in memories so he let his gaze wander to the garden. Most of the flowers were from Earth and the garden had a Japanese air to it with small paths and even a little bridge over an artificially made river which was more than small enough to cross in a jump. It gave a beautiful and almost poetic view.

“Amanda loved this garden. It was her piece of home; of Earth. Most of the plants and trees were brought from there. She started it 1.23 years after our bonding,” Sarek said softly and Kirk could hear pain in the older Vulcan’s voice. It was too close to Amanda’s death for Sarek to have regained full control over his grief after his mental connection with his human wife had been brutally severed. Kirk pretended not to notice Sarek’s fragile hold on his control and looked at the garden instead of on him.

“It hurts losing someone we love,” Kirk said softly, his thoughts going to his deceased wife and unborn child whom he had loved with all the passion his empty mind had been able to, his brother…Spock. “We think things will never change but then they do…. and we’re not prepared for it,” his thoughts lingered on Spock and Spock alone now. He had not talked about his grief or his anger at Spock’s departure to Gol before and doing so now brought out the pain that had given raise to his depression.

“It is illogical to believe all conditions remain constant,” Sarek said just as softly, seemingly as absorbed in his own memories as Kirk was in his.

“It might be illogical but then love always is illogical,” Kirk said pained, recalling he had spoken almost the same words to Spock the last time he felt he had truly seen him.

“It is,” Sarek agreed. “It makes a man agree to things he should not have.” He frowned slightly in remembered pain.

“Like what?” Kirk asked, compassion in his eyes as he turned to look at Sarek.

“She asked me not to grieve…not to die with her,” Sarek explained brokenly, the full force of his grief shining through though he kept his gaze on the garden and not on Kirk. “She made me give her my word that I would not attempt to follow her.”

“Yet you wanted to,” Kirk said softly, with shared pain and understanding in his voice. “She was your t’hy’la?” Kirk had read up on Vulcan customs and beliefs as he had attempted to gain access to Gol. From the texts he had gotten he had decided that for him Spock was his t’hy’la…the other part of his soul.

“The word is not suitable in this case but the meaning is adequate. She was my bondmate and will forever remain as such,” Sarek admitted, his gaze still fixated on the garden, fighting to keep control over the feelings of emptiness that came over him.

A wave of empathy hit Kirk and he whispered, “I grieve with thee.” It was one of very few Vulcan phases he knew.

Sarek nodded his head in thanks, a Human trait learned from Amanda. “She knew I do not function well on my own,” Sarek said almost to himself as silence had settled between them for some time. “She asked me to take another mate, someone who could love me…” His voice died away.

“There can never be anyone such as her,” Kirk supplied for him, his thoughts on Spock. The younger Vulcan could never be replaced in his heart. Never.

“I find myself longing for what is not logical yet my most satisfactory years were filled with illogical impulses,” Sarek continued almost as if to himself.

“You loved her.” It was not a question but simply a statement of fact.

They sat in silence for a while, each lost in his own memories until Sarek rose, his control back in place. “Thank you, Admiral for this talk. Now I must return to my guests.”

Kirk rose as well and an impulse he couldn’t quite understand made him speak. “May I call on you some time, Ambassador? Perhaps we can find other subjects to debate which will be of mutual interest to us.” Maybe it was his loneliness, maybe it was because he felt a connection with Sarek, maybe it was a desire to take care of Sarek for Amanda, maybe it was because being near Sarek made him feel closer to Spock, maybe it was simply empathy or maybe it was all of them at once. Kirk wasn’t sure but he knew he hung on every word as Sarek spoke again.

“You are welcome in my house any time, Admiral.”

Kirk smiled his first real smile since he had admitted his love for Spock all those months ago. “Thanks and call me Jim… or Kirk if you prefer.”

“As you wish…Kirk.”

Kirk nodded and raised his hand in the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper…until our next meeting.” He wasn’t sure why he was so eager for their next meeting when he barely knew Sarek and put it down to his loneliness and Sarek’s connection to Spock. Since he could acknowledge a desire for companionship maybe he was beginning to feel better after all. Amanda’s death had made him realize how fragile life was and seeing Sarek fight his grief had given him another person than himself to think about which had helped a lot. By no means was he out of the depression he had fallen into, he knew well enough that that’ll take a long time, but he felt like he had started the first step on a long journey.

“Live long and prosper…Kirk,” Sarek said and then he was gone. Kirk stood in Amanda’s garden for a long while, silently thinking.

“I will take care of him for you, Amanda…for you and for Spock,” Kirk whispered to the wind and he imagined Amanda smiling her radiant but controlled smile of approval and thankfulness at him.

* * *

Three years had passed since he had lost Spock and the Enterprise and it was two years and a couple of months since Amanda’s death. Since that time Kirk and Sarek had slowly developed a friendship. At first they had talked about Amanda and loss in general but with time they had started to talk about other things. Sarek had seemed as interested in having someone to talk to as Kirk was. Spock had been a carefully avoided topic between them as Kirk had quickly learnt his departure to Gol and the fact he had missed his mother’s funeral upset Sarek. The older Vulcan had taught Kirk to speak and write Vulcan and he had rediscovered his passion for archaeology, philosophy, politics and literature. They had many interesting debates about any such subjects and both enjoyed cultural events like theater, arts and food from different places. As their friendship had grown Kirk’s depression had faded in the light of having someone to share his life with again. They also enjoyed various thinking games like chess and Kirk had realized that it was much harder to beat Sarek than Spock. Not only did he have years of experience but his marriage to a human had made him accept and anticipate certain human factors and way of thinking unlike Spock who had tried so hard to be fully Vulcan. Kirk had also found as his friendship with Sarek had progressed that after his years of marriage to Amanda Sarek had learnt to show some emotions in private. Need had thrown them together but by now it was something deeper that kept them as friends. It was a much different friendship than what he had had with Spock. It was more mature, much calmer. Sarek reminded Kirk of Spock in some ways, his Vulcan ways, like the way he could give precise data on anything, his vast amount of knowledge, his quiet grace, his amazing intelligence and the spirituality that Spock had also had to him. However unlike Spock, Sarek had accepted who he was and also what he wanted from life. He was at ease in his own skin, something Spock had never been. He had a calm and serenity around him where Spock had had a tortured loneliness to him instead. Where Spock would show flashes of emotions and then deny them or be embarrassed about them Sarek could show some emotions when in private and feel comfortable doing so. Furthermore his marriage to Amanda had taught him many human customs and his years as a diplomat could often make him seem more tolerant and understanding towards human behavior than Spock had ever been. His friendship with Sarek was in many ways easier and more relaxed than what he had had with Spock. It gave Kirk a warm feeling inside instead of the burning intense flame that Spock had given him. The best comparison he could come up with was that being friends with Sarek was like holding a sun in your hand; warm, glowing, wonderful and more than satisfactory. Much more than most people could ever ask for. Yet with Spock…that had been like holding a supernova in his hand. Explosive, intense fire…a love that came by only once and then lasted for a lifetime. They were each their own person and though he didn’t want to compare them Kirk couldn’t help but do so. Even after all these years Spock still held his heart and Kirk had come to accept that he always would.

From time to time both Sarek and Kirk would drawl on the past, mourn their losses, but it happened rarer and rarer now. Today Sarek recalled Amanda with bittersweetness and great fondness but the pain had faded. Kirk found the same was true for the loss of Spock and his old life. He had rediscovered his desire to live within Sarek’s friendship and though he still did not have his old spark of fire he was getting there.

“Visitor identified as Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan at the door, admiral Kirk,” the female computer voice in Kirk’s San Francisco apartment said, shaking Kirk from his thoughts.

Kirk hastily checked all his cooking to be sure all was ready before he replied, “Let him in.”

Kirk grinned widely at the older Vulcan when he entered his apartment and the door slid shut behind him.

“It’s good to see you again.” As he had done with Spock he had to restrain himself not to shake his hand or otherwise touch the Vulcan who had come to be his friend.

“The statement is mutual,” Sarek said softly, his voice kind. “Amanda taught me never to come empty handed to a Terran house,” he added as he handed Kirk a nice bottle of wine.

“She taught you well,” Kirk said with a fond smile as he accepted the wine and gestured to the table he had decked. “Sit down. I’ll just finish up.”

Kirk went into the open kitchen area and Sarek took off his coat, hung it up behind the front door and seated himself by the decked table, his eyes on Kirk as he moved around in the kitchen. “What are you cooking?”

“Remember that last time you were here you told me that you’ll like to taste some original Terran Cajun cooking?” Kirk said as he opened the wine. “I’ve prepared a nice dish here…It originally comes with chicken but I’ve separated that so I can have some of it but you can avoid it.”

“It sounds very appetizing,” Sarek agreed with a twinkle in his eyes and Kirk’s expression softened.

“Dinner served,” Kirk said as he placed the food on the table. Sarek had once told him Amanda had enjoyed cooking in the old fashioned way and Kirk had been willing to try and had found he liked it. Now it had become a ritual that whenever Sarek came to Kirk’s apartment on Earth Kirk would have a new dish prepared that he wanted to try on him.

On Vulcan meals were eaten in silence but Sarek’s years with Amanda had taught him that humans appreciated talking while eating. He took a sip of the wine before he took a bite of the vegetarian version of the Cajun chicken disk Kirk had made for him. Kirk followed his facial expression intensely and Sarek had early on learnt that Kirk’s time with Spock had made him almost as good as Amanda to see the emotions in his eyes or on his face which he did not voice.

“Well?” Kirk prompted.

“The taste is pleasing. Thank you for preparing this meal for me,” Sarek said as he continued to eat.

Kirk grinned as he began to eat himself. “You’re welcome.”

They talked a little about a book they had both read while Sarek had been on a two week diplomatic visit to a planet called Pela 3. He had just returned yesterday from that mission and soon the conversation fell on the Federation’s latest policies in regard to accepting new member worlds. After dinner Kirk accepted Sarek’s offer to help carry the plates to the kitchen and as he quickly cleaned up Sarek poured them both a brandy. They seated themselves in the large sofa in the living room in front of the fireplace, close enough to reach out and touch each other if they wanted to. For a while there was a comfortable silence between them as they sipped their drink, watched the fire and listened to some soft classical music.

“James,” Sarek began, turning from watching the fire to watching the Human at his side. Kirk leaned towards him, knowing that whatever he was about to say was important. Sarek had taken to use his first name at times when they were alone but in general he just avoided saying his name at all. Kirk had learned that Sarek only used his first name if he was about to say something really important.

“Yes?” Kirk said unnecessarily.

“I have been considering a proposition for you for 2.3 months,” Sarek began and Kirk nodded that he should go on, a small smile at the precise statement curving his lips. “My years with Amanda have taught me that some humans take offence to the directness of Vulcan culture and I regret if you should do likewise.”

“I doubt I will. I’ve become quite used to Vulcans,” Kirk said and let his smile widen though curiosity made him impatient.

“I shall be blunt then,” Sarek said and turned to lock eyes with Kirk. “My seven year cycle is approaching. My Pon Farr should fall within 10.87 months.”

Kirk frowned in concern and also a hint of surprise at Sarek’s unembarrassed tone but then his mind caught up with him. It was illogical to feel embarrassed about a bodily function you had no control over. “Do you have a partner in mind?”
Sarek nodded. “I do.” His eyes ran over Kirk’s body in a quick evaluating and appreciative sweep. “You.”

Kirk spurted his drink and had to fight to stop his coughing. “Excuse me?”

“At this point in my life none are as close to me as you, James,” Sarek explained calmly, no offence at Kirk’s surprise at his proposal evident in his voice. “You have told me that you have melded with my son several times which means your mind should also be compatible to my own. We have established a satisfactory friendship and a bonding would be mutual beneficial.”
“You wish me to marry you?” Kirk tried again, fighting to take it all in. Never had he thought Spock’s father would ask him this. In fact one of his longest standing dreams was to have Sarek’s son ask him this very same question.

“I do. Neither of us wishes to remain alone and we share many interests. I find your body pleasing and from the looks you have given me at times I feel certain my own body is also satisfactory to you. I believe a life shared with you would be both content and pleasant.”

Kirk realized that Sarek was sincere and fell silent, seriously thinking about it. He did care for Sarek and he enjoyed spending time with him. Sarek was not old for a Vulcan; he would most likely outlive him by many years, and his body was fit. He was a handsome man and a good friend but was that enough? Kirk had no desire to be alone for the rest of his life and he had never been happier since he had lost Spock than he had been since he had become friends with Sarek. Why should he give up a chance for a happier life by hanging onto a dream that would not come to pass?

“If and I say if, we’re to do this I want all the rules up front,” Kirk said slowly, his mind racing while he was speaking. “You have been a good friend to me and yes, I do not wish to remain alone for the rest of my life but I do not love you,” Kirk admitted honestly.

“I could say that love is not necessary for a bonding or I could say that from friendship love can arise,” Sarek said evenly, seemly neither surprised nor offended by Kirk’s statement.

Kirk was thoughtful for some moments. He was right. He did love very easier and Sarek would be easy to fall in love with. Not the passionate true flame of love that he still felt for Spock but a slower and calmer form of love. Yet love nonetheless.

“I think you know how I feel about your son,” Kirk started, wanting to be totally honest so that there would be no misunderstandings.

“I do. You love him. He’s your t’hy’la,” Sarek readily accepted this fact.

“You knew?” Kirk asked surprised.
“It was not hard to conclude this from your revelations when we were talking about Amanda.”

Kirk gave him a piercing look. “This doesn’t disturb you?”

“That would be illogical. If you had had a relationship with my son you would have bonded with him for no Vulcan can have casual affairs. I believe you desired a relationship with him but he did not – or would not - return this desire. Fact is he has left for Gol to attend the Kolinahr.” There was a hint of anger in Sarek’s words at the last part at the thought that his son was still trying to attend the ritual. Kirk now knew Sarek had never approved of it but after Amanda’s death he felt like Spock tried to kill what he had left of his beloved wife by denying her and the part of him that was her. Sarek had admitted to Kirk he had pushed Spock to being Vulcan; something he now regretted as he wanted to be able to see his wife, his Human wife, reflected in their only child.

Kirk fell silent and looked at his hands for a moment. “You don’t think Spock will ever come back, do you?” He asked softly. He needed to know there was no hope at all before he could consider trying to catch what happiness he could get.

“There is an 85.29% chance he will not and if he does…he would not be the man you fell in love with. He would be devoid of all emotion; he would be unable to feel love, friendship or even concern for you,” Sarek explained gently.

Kirk laughed but it was a sad sound.

“I have been chasing dreams…dreams as unreachable as embracing clouds,” he mumbled to himself, quoting a poet he had read some time ago. He had to let Spock go…he had to try and make a new life. Otherwise he would one day find he had waited for something that had never come to pass all his life. He had waited for Spock for years now and been miserable all that time. Was it not time for him to try and live again? To try and reclaim his life? To try and find some measure of happiness? Spock was gone…he had to accept it and find a way to live with it…a way which not only did not destroy him but which also gave him a life he would not regret when it was time for him to leave this world for good.

“Know now though that I will expect the same proper Vulcan behavior when we are in public as I did of Amanda and I will expect you to perform all the duties of a bondmate, including servicing me through Pon Farr. If you cannot accept this then say so now and I shall search for another mate before my Time is upon me,” Sarek explained and Kirk recalled how Amanda and Sarek had seemed in public. The Vulcan two fingered embrace…Sarek’s words, ‘my wife, attend’, with which he had summoned her to his side. Could he accept this difference in culture? Could he even give up his dream of Spock?

“If I agree to all this what will you do in return?” Kirk asked, deep in thoughts.

“I shall stand by you in all your endeavors. I shall give you my name, bring you into my clan. I shall acknowledge your human tendencies when we are in private and I shall do my best to make your life with me satisfactory and pleasant…also emotionally.”

Kirk nodded at this. “Yet Amanda remains your t’hy’la, your love, just as Spock remains mine,” he said softly, not really expecting a reply.

Sarek’s expression softened. “Yes, James, but this does not mean we cannot create a good life together while we wait for time to unite us with them in a life beyond this one.”

Kirk thought about it. “I have buried a lot of lovers and don’t wish to bury another. I have had a lot of people leave me and don’t wish to be left again. I have been alone and miserable for too long. Bonding with you would prevent that for you will outlive me and a bonding is for life,” Kirk said softly, speaking out loud to himself.

“Yes,” Sarek replied to Kirk’s musings, not sure what else to add. He wished Kirk as his bondmate for he was the most logical and most satisfactory choice.

A determined look entered Kirk’s eyes and his decision was made with the same speed and strength with which he made command decisions. He had been lost long enough…he had mourned the past long enough. He might not be able to get paradise but he could crawl to the gate and look inside.

Kirk smiled at his friend and his right hand formed the two fingered Vulcan embrace. “I accept thy offer,” he said formally in Vulcan.

“I thank thee,” Sarek gave the traditional response in the same language as their fingers met and their pact was sealed for life.

* * *

“I saw your wedding on the holo channels,” were the first words out of McCoy’s month as he joined Kirk at a table in a fine restaurant in San Francisco.

“That was a year ago,” Kirk said mildly but dared not add anything else. It had taken more time and effort to find McCoy after he had not only left him but also Starfleet. Finally he had found him practicing medicine in a small hospital in old Indian. He had invited him for dinner to talk things over and to his joy McCoy had accepted. The two friends were now face to face for the first time in 5 years.

“You look good. Married life must agree with you,” McCoy said as he ran his eyes over Kirk’s fit body. His medical eyes fell on the bandage he wore over his right wrist and Kirk shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “What happened?”

Kirk considered refusing to reply or lying for all of one second. He wanted McCoy back in his life and neither of those things would do the trick. “Sarek went into Pon Farr about a month ago.” He winced at the memory. After their wedding they had made love to help Kirk get used to Sarek’s touch. The primal side of Sarek’s Vulcan blood had been delighted to find that Kirk had been a virgin to gay sex; not because he had not been offered nor because he judged love by gender or race for he had never done so. He had simply not found a man he had wished to have sex with…until Spock and later Sarek.

Sarek was almost always the dominating partner in their lovemaking but he had at times let Kirk take over which Kirk took as a sign of his affection. Kirk was a very passionate man and he had quickly come to enjoy their lovemaking as Sarek was a skilled and selfless lover. However, Pon Farr was as Sarek had warned him not about love but about lust. In the depth of his madness Sarek’s feral mind had been unable to remember that Kirk was human and could not take as much force as a male Vulcan lover could. Sarek had been guilt-ridden beyond words ever since and his greatest show of his concern had come when Sarek had managed to get the Enterprise back for his new bondmate which had been the reason Kirk had called McCoy. He wished him back as CMO and as his friend.

“He hit you?!” McCoy asked shocked.

“No!” Kirk saw McCoy’s disbelieving expression and insisted, “He didn’t mean to.”

“That’s what people in an abusive relationship always says,” McCoy said softly, his face filled with concern.

Kirk forced himself not to be upset. “Bones…He does not abuse me. You remember how Spock was when he was in Pon Farr. Besides, my injuries were not extensive…how else would Amanda have been able to be married to him for so many years?”

McCoy looked thoughtful for a moment but then let it go. “Very well but I would like to run a medical check on you when we have eaten.”

Kirk sighed but nodded, knowing it was his friend’s affection for him which made him insist. “Okay.”

They ordered their food before McCoy spoke again. “You and Sarek. I would never have thought it. You and Spock…maybe but never this.”

Kirk shrugged, trying to hide that the mention of Spock still hurt. “Things change, Bones. I could not wait for him all my life.”

There was such a sadness in his voice that made McCoy look concerned at him. “But…You are happy now, right?”

Kirk considered this. His bonding with Sarek had been a large event, shown on several holo channels. Their bonding had carried some official responsibilities with it for Kirk but what he had been most concerned about had been their private life. He had kept his apartment and Sarek and him would go there to be alone when they were on Earth. Sarek had been right that their friendship had helped them develop a comfortable rhythm in their marriage. It was not filled with passion but it held a warm, secure and comfortable glow. It was enough. It had to be enough. No one found true love anymore anyway.

“Yes, I am happy now,” Kirk said and found that he was. He was no longer alone and he had just gotten his beloved ship back. Yes, he was happy. The absence of Spock still ached but time did heal and he had accepted that his dream of a life with him had been just that; a dream.

McCoy smiled at him, clearly relieved to finally see the old spark of life back in his friend’s eyes. “Then I’m happy for you. I can’t see what you see in Sarek or Spock had that been the case for that matter, as a life companion, but if you’re happy…”

Kirk nodded his head in gratitude as McCoy’s words died out. “Thank you,” he said heartfelt, feeling a stronger relief than he had thought he would. McCoy’s acceptance meant a lot to him.

“I hear congratulations are also in order in regard to the Enterprise,” McCoy continued, breaking the tender moment.

They got their food and began to eat.

Kirk replied when the waiter had left again; in this fancy establishment the waiters were still living beings instead of robots. “Actually that was Sarek’s doing. After his Pon Farr he pulled some rather large strings and got her back for me.” There was a fond smile on his lips as he remembered the amazing evening when Sarek had come home and told him what he had done for him. That night they had made love for the first time since Sareks Pon Farr and it had been filled with tenderness. That night Sarek had almost worshipped his Human lover’s body, making Kirk’s abused soul finally find a measure of peace.

McCoy recalled all the breaking of the rules that Spock had done for Kirk and his 5 years alone and miserable had taught him a thing or two; also when it came to reading supposedly unemotional Vulcans. “He loves you.” McCoy concluded out loud, meaning both Sarek and Spock. In their own ways…they really did love him. He saw that now.

Kirk considered this for a moment. “In a way…I guess he does.”

McCoy’s eyes again fell on Kirk’s bandage and he added gently, “In your own way…you return that love.”

Kirk smiled a little. “I guess I do.” It could never be like Spock…nothing could be like Spock but in their own ways…there were many kinds and degrees of love and like Sarek had found with Amanda, Kirk also found that feeling love for his bondmate did not betray the all consuming flame of love he still felt to this day for his t’hy’la like Sarek did for Amanda.

McCoy smiled, happy that his friend was doing so well. He had feared the worst after Spock had left. He might never understand Kirk’s choice in love but as long as his friend was happy he was content. “Then…Admiral or shall I shall captain of the Enterprise…I request permission to join your crew,” he asked with a light tone to his words but his eyes were very serious.

“Permission granted,” Kirk said solemnly as his hand found and shook McCoy’s for a warm handshake, welcoming him back to the Enterprise and back into Kirk’s life.

* * *

Kirk had been bonded to Sarek for 6 years now and the marriage had grown in warmth and love. Kirk felt contentment like he had never felt before. He had a few months earlier returned from his second 5 year mission with the Enterprise, the core crew the same for one big exception; Spock. He had promoted Sulu to his new First Officer and had taken on another Vulcan as Science Officer. It had been hard but bearable to see someone else at what his mind still thought of as Spock’s station. However, time had lessened the pain…much aided by his bonding with Sarek. The warm and secure feeling of his mental bond with his bondmate as well as their regular conversations and mails had helped Kirk through the first hard months of being back on the Enterprise without Spock at his side. He would return home for his shoreleaves whenever possible which had meant this 5 year mission had not only been a professional success for Kirk but also a wonderful personal experience. The Enterprise now needed a one-year refitting period and Kirk had gone home for that time, doing some administration work while he waited to go out for his third 5 year mission. As the years had passed Sarek and Kirk had brought houses on a few worlds and would change between them. Right now he was in the home that Sarek had shared with Amanda on Vulcan. He had made sure to keep a lot of her touches to the house, including holos of her, her decoration and her garden. He had redone the master bedroom and bathroom to make them more masculine in colours but otherwise Amanda had chosen some well matched items and colours which were not overly feminine. Kirk’s regard for Amanda and security within the bond of Sarek’s affection for him meant he had never felt threatened by Amanda’s ghost for he had never wished to replace her. Sarek had talked to him about children and his need for an heir. With Spock at Gol for so long it was reasonable to assume Spock had learned, like the Gol masters, to control his Pon Farr and that he had remained unbonded for the ten years which had passed since Kirk had last seen him. It was doubtful he would carry on the family name. Kirk suggested adoption but Sarek would like his bloodline to continue which Kirk had agreed to. Like with Amanda’s memory that still lingered over the house Kirk knew thanks to their mental bond that Sarek did love him, in his own calm way and Kirk returned that love in an equally warm but subdued manner. This was why he did not feel threatened in any way by Sarek’s request for children. Sarek had fathered a test tube baby and this time he had requested the gender to be female. He had fathered two sons already with different women where the first one had been banned from Vulcan and thus Kirk knew little about him and the other had for all intends and purposes become a monk. Sarek and Kirk had talked about which race the female genes should be from. They had agreed upon Romulan because not only would this be a good political move but Romulans were emotional like humans and this would insure Kirk could connect to their daughter. Kirk had been very clear that he wished their daughter raised to embrace both the human and Vulcan way of life so she would never be as isolated and confused as Spock had been. After the loss of Spock to Gol Sarek had readily agreed to this. The baby had been ‘born’ in a state of the art medical lab, without ever being inside a living female body. Saavik, as they named the baby girl, was now two months old and the pride and joy of Kirk’s life. Even Sarek softened at the sight of the tiny bungle. Kirk had readily chosen to cut down on his administration role to take care of Saavik. He knew he had fathered at least one child himself, a son named David, but his mother had requested he did not seek him out so Kirk had not. However David was not stupid, on the contrary, and had figured out that Kirk was his father and had sought him out instead. They remained in contact to Kirk’s joy and Kirk supported him as he fought to complete a scientific education at university. However, it was first now, with Saavik, that Kirk had the chance to be the father he had always wanted to be for David.

* * *

“You have a visitor. He requested Ambassador Sarek but said he would accept his bondmate. He is waiting in the living room,” one of the servants said to Kirk from the doorway to Saavik’s room. Kirk nodded and closed the old fashioned fairytale book he had been reading for Saavik in her room, knowing she was too young to understand but she was fascinated by the colors in the book and enjoyed listening to his voice.

“I’m coming,” Kirk said to the servant as he picked Saavik up, carefully holding her in his arms. “Let’s go see who wanted to speak with your father,” he said softly to the young girl who caught the finger he had let her play with and who now began to put his finger in her mouth, making sucking motions. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I will give you dinner as soon as I’ve talked with this gentlebeing,” Kirk promised, his voice and eyes warm and filled with love as he went down the stairs to the living room. It had taken him some time to get used to having guards and servants but they were a part of being bondmate to a well-known ambassador not to mention that he himself had made his share of enemies through the years. Now it had become second nature to him and he barely noticed having them around whenever he was home. At the moment they were on Vulcan as Sarek had duties here that demanded his presence but far from all their servants and bodyguards were Vulcans though all would speak Vulcan and were required to follow Vulcan etiquette.

Kirk spotted his guest as soon as he entered the living room. He had his back to him and was dressed in a traditional long white Vulcan robe. As Kirk drew to a stop right behind him he shifted his weight instinctively so he supported Saavik on his hip. “I am James T. Kirk, an officer in Starfleet, presently assigned as captain of the USS Enterprise and bondmate to Ambassador Sarek. Can I be of some assistance to you?” Kirk asked his guest politely in Vulcan. Slowly the guest turned around and Kirk’s heart stopped beating in shock and his arms went numb. Saavik’s small sounds made him tear himself free from the ghost he was seeing before him and he got a secure grip on his daughter once again. Belatedly he remembered to close his mouth and breathe, forcing air into burning lungs.

“Spock.” After a little more than 10 years that was the only thing he could say. Spock took off his hood and Kirk saw that his head had been shaved like was traditional for Kolinahr monks. Kirk sank as he remembered that only Vulcans who had completed the discipline had their heads shaved. Even if it had been an impossible dream Kirk had still hoped Spock would not return as an emotionless robot the way all the Kolinahr monks he had met had become.

Spock smiled, really smiled at him. When he spoke his voice was filled with warmth and affection, “Jim.”

Kirk nearly died at this open display at emotions, not only because it was Spock who showed them but also because it was so misplaced with his Kolinahr robe and traditional bald head.

“I have to sit down,” Kirk mumbled and seated himself on the nearby sofa. He caressed Saavik’s cheek to be sure she was alright. She seemed to sense the turmoil in his soul for she gave him a sad look and buried her head by his shoulder. He held her close and stroked her over the back in calming motions before his eyes returned to Spock.

“Jim,” Spock began again as he walked to stand before him, his voice filled with wonder and love. “Jim, t’hy’la. The years have been empty without you.”

Kirk sent him a hard look. “That’s some timing you have.” He tried not to show his bitterness but it was hard. “10 years, Spock. It has been 10 years.” He took a deep breath and his eyes held a pained look. “Could you at least not have stayed away? Why did you come back just the way I had always hoped you would be towards me and only me?” Why, he silently added, do you mock my dream?

Spock knelt before Kirk, his eyes filled with sadness and shame while Kirk stared at him in shock and puzzlement. “I am sorry for having ever hurt you. I was confused and lost. I thought Kolinahr was my answer but after I had finally archived it I found that existence cold and meaningless. Jim,” he said warmly, lovingly as he looked up into his eyes with a look so open and raw it stole Kirk’s breath and shook the very foundations of his soul. “I see now what will give my life meaning. I see clearly now for the first time. Jim, I lo…”
“Don’t say it!” Kirk harshly interrupted him, pain in his eyes. “Don’t you dare say that you can love me now!” He took a deep breath to calm his temper and when he spoke again only pain remained, “Just don’t.”

Spock put a hand on top of Kirk’s free hand, the one he was not using to support Saavik. “I always did.” Kirk tore his hand away from him as if burned.

“Don’t say that. Don’t say it now when I’ve finally found a new kind of happiness.” With a nod of his head he indicated the baby in his arms.

Spock’s eyes grew sad as he recalled the news which had reached him when he had finally left Gol. The news of his mother’s death had pained him deeply but the news of Kirk’s marriage had hurt him like a betrayal until he had forced himself to look past it. After having finally admitted to his feelings he had to take any chance, no matter how small, to try and fulfill what he now knew had been his dream all along; to share a lifetime with Kirk.

“Jim, I learnt about my mother’s death and your bonding to my father 8.9 days ago when I left Gol but though I know it is not logical nor is it right I do love you. I cannot help it. Not even Kolinahr could kill my love for you.”

Kirk closed his eyes in agony. “Once I would have given anything at all to hear you say those words to me.”

Spock drew back a little. “And now?” he asked softly.

Kirk locked eyes with him, his gaze agonized. “Now it is too late.”

Spock shook his head, refusing the taste of bitterness and pain Kirk’s words were bringing him. “It does not have to be. We can find a way.”

Determination rose in Kirk’s eyes. “No, Spock. I tried loving you once and it nearly killed me. I have a good life now, a warm and safe and secure love. I have a family and…and I’m happy.” He fought the tears in his voice, trying to keep control.

“I can give you all that,” Spock insisted, almost fanatic to make Kirk see his side of things. “Jim, I have wasted so many years, so much time.” Tears and panic was tearing at his soul as Spock was faced with the very real possibility that he had lost everything. “Please…do not send me away,” it was a heartfelt plea; a cry for mercy and for a love which he had longed for since birth but had never been granted.

Now a single tear did escape Kirk’s eyes. “I am sorry,” he said hoarsely.

The words hit Spock like a blow and cast his soul into darkness. He stood up, his voice now cold and bitter. “You once said you loved me. Was that all a lie?”

Kirk looked sharply up at him. “Of course it wasn’t.”

“Then why did you accept to bond with my father?” Hurt and betrayal shined in every word Spock spoke.

“Spock,” Kirk began, feeling an illogical surge of shame as if he had betrayed Spock though he knew he hadn’t. “I waited for you for years but you did not return. I had to get on with my life.” He paused and allowed a hint of sorrow, of what could have been shine through, “I could not wait forever.”

Spock gave him a look so filled with pain it tore Kirk’s soul apart. “Not even for me?” the question was soft, agonized and filled with loss and despair.

Kirk shook his head sadly, a lump in his throat. “Not even for you.”

Spock’s last hope shattered at Kirk’s words and his hopelessness and despair turned to anger. “I forgot how easily you love and then leave…captain,” Spock said coldly, images of all of Kirk’s previous lovers dancing before his eyes. A part of him knew he was behaving irrationally but he felt like his life had lost all meaning. Bonding with Kirk would have given his many years of tormented loneliness at Gol meaning. He could not have lost everything. What did he have left if not Kirk? What was there left for him now?

“Spock, I’ve given your father my oath for life and even if I did not love him I would keep to it. If ever you thought me a man without morals…a man who’ll break his word and betray a lover then you never really knew me,” he said coldly, fighting his hurt with anger just as Spock did. He rose, Saavik still in his arms. The baby was still clinging to him but had made no sound, almost as if she was attempting to offer comfort to her human father through her nearness. “I think you should better leave now. If you wish to speak with your father then ask one of the servants for his office numbers and you can call him there.”

Kirk turned to go and Spock felt left behind, abandoned and alone. “I will not permit you to take my mother’s place. I will object to this bonding,” he said after him, desperation making him grasp at straws. He hadn’t wanted to say that; what he had wanted to say was, ‘please do not leave. I love you’.

Kirk stopped in the doorway but did not turn around to face him. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. This was not how he had wanted a reunion with Spock to go. He felt naked, raw and tormented. When he spoke his voice was soft and low. “That is your right as Sarek’s son but you must know I never tried to replace your mother in your father’s heart and I never will.” Silence fell between them before he added so softly Spock almost did not hear him, “You were wrong earlier…I did love you and I still do. Yet for the life of me right now I can’t understand why my heart keeps insisting you are my t’hy’la for this insistence has brought me nothing but pain.”

Spock watched him leave, loss and despair on his face. “Jim, t’hy’la…please do not leave me. I have nothing left,” he whispered softly, his face a mask of pain. For a moment he remained in the living room, longing for his mother’s soft love and warm caress more than ever. Finally he forced himself to leave, not knowing where he would go or what he would do. He just had to get away. He had lost Jim. He never thought he could. Somehow, illogical as it was, he had believed Jim would always be there, waiting for him with open eyes and one of his trademark ‘light up a room’ smiles. This wasn’t how he had wished a reunion with Jim would go; instead of it being the fulfillment of all his dreams it had become the complete destruction of his heart and soul.

* * *

“Did Spock contact you today?” Kirk asked as he lay within Sarek’s embrace later that night, his head on the Vulcan’s warm chest. He embraced his bondmate a little tighter, feeling like he needed the closeness.

“I was just told today my son had been spotted in town but he has made no attempts to contact me.” Sarek lifted Kirk’s face up with a hand under his chin so that he could see his eyes and read the sadness there.

“He was here.” It was not a question but Kirk nodded anyway.

“Yes.”

“May I see this memory in your mind?” Sarek asked and Kirk nodded. Sarek opened the bond between them and found the memory of Spock’s visit that afternoon.

“He hurt you.” A hint of primitive Vulcan protectiveness surged through him at the words and Kirk cast a look at Saavik sleeping in a crib beside their bed to assure himself she had not awoken by Sarek’s surge of emotions. She was a highly skilled telepath and could at times pick up on their strong emotions like she had with him when Spock had been there.

“He hurt himself,” Kirk said softly, his eyes settling on the pillow instead of Sarek’s face.

“And this pains you.”

Kirk nodded and his eyes found Sarek’s. “It pains you too.” Both were statements of fact.

“I read in your mind a desire to be with him, a deep longing and a great pain at the separation. Will you attempt to leave me?” Though he hid it well Kirk could read the hurt in Sarek at the question.

Kirk shook his head. He had thought about it all day and the decision had not been easy for the love and longing was still very much alive within him. There was pain and loss no matter what he chose but in the end his words to Spock rang true; he would never abandon his oath to Sarek or the family he had created here with him. “No. I do love you just not the way I do Spock.”

“He is your t’hy’la.”

“Yes, like Amanda were yours. I would die for him…I would do anything for him but it is too late now for the two of us to be more than friends.” It saddened him to say it but he knew it was true. There had been too much hurt for them to even consider a relationship even if he had not been bonded.

Sarek’s eyes filled with love, gratitude and an overwhelming sense of humbleness and Kirk could feel these emotions through their bond. It made him smile fondly and he sent his own love and affection back. Sarek’s fingers formed the two-fingered embrace and Kirk shifted position so that he would return it.

“You wish Spock in your life as the friend he used to be and I wish my son back,” Sarek summarized and Kirk nodded.

“Yes.”

“I shall contact him tomorrow and speak with him.” He caught Kirk’s worry through their bond and added, “I have let everyone in town know that if my son should show up they are to give him anything he needs; I shall compensate them for it.”

The image of Spock in his Kolinahr robe returned to Kirk. “Good idea. He did look like he only had that robe and nothing else.”
“The monks of Gol live a very Spartan life,” Sarek agreed and easily caught Kirk’s uneasiness and strong anxiousness. “Do not worry for my son. Tonight he will be provided for and tomorrow I shall speak with him. I share a parental link with him and as his t’hy’la you share a light bond with him as well; if he was not well we would sense it.”

Reassured Kirk snuggled closer to his bondmate and lifted his head to steal a loving kiss before he drew back. “When you asked me to bond with you, you promised me that I would find marriage with you satisfying…And I do,” Kirk assured him, having read the worry in the Vulcan’s eyes. Sarek gave the faintest hints of a smile for his bondmate and stroked his cheek lovingly.

“I too have found our time together satisfying in every way and look forth to many more years with you at my side.”

The last hints of doubt was erased from Sarek’s mind as Kirk smiled at him and said, “Me too,” before he let his mental barriers fall, inviting Sarek to find the truth of his words for himself.

Kirk’s love for Spock was a big part of him as Sarek’s love for Amanda was for him, but their own love, the bond, glowed golden and warm. Unlike Sarek who had no regrets about his life with his t’hy’la Kirk carried sadness and regret that he had never managed to experience true love with Spock but he had accepted that some things were not to be. His bonding to Sarek was for life and could only be broken with the risk of death to Sarek and himself. Not only did he not wish to endanger Sarek but also he had found love in his marriage and contentment in his new family life. His heart could not forget the hurt Spock had cost him. He could not trust Spock not to leave him again and Kirk doubted he could take it if he did risk everything only to lose it again.

Satisfied that his marriage was safe and that Kirk wished it that way Sarek settled into sleep, his arms holding Kirk in a loose embrace.

* * *

“What do you wish of me, father?” Spock asked as he stood before his father’s desk the next day in his office in the home that had been Spock’s childhood home and which Sarek now shared with Kirk.

Sarek waved a hand to indicate that the two aides, who had found Spock in town and who had brought him to him, could leave. “I wish only to talk. Sit,” he indicated the chair opposite his own. Spock raised an eyebrow at him but sat down nevertheless.

“Speak then,” Spock said and his voice held barely controlled anger.

“My bondmate told me of your visit to my house yesterday and of what you desired of him,” Sarek said calmly.

“He is my t’hy’la. I have the right to ask him to be with me,” Spock defended himself.

“Not when he is already bonded but I did not have you brought before me to debate your behavior yesterday,” Sarek’s expression softened. “I do understand the illogic of love, Spock, though you may not believe this to be true.”

“What I believe is irrelevant,” Spock said sharply, pain and hurt still tearing up his heart like an open wound.

“Spock,” Sarek began, trying a new approach in order to reach him. “James cares deeply for you. He loves you. Accept the logic in this situation and be his friend. It is too late for you to be anything else,” his voice was soft now.

“How could you bond with him when you knew he was t’hy’la to me?” Spock accused, his control barely holding. Kirk’s denial of his love had put him through pure agony and he felt more lost and alone than he ever had before.

“I did not seek out to betray you, my son,” Sarek said evenly. “After your mother’s death I was…in need of a friend and James was there, needing the same. When the time came it seemed logical to take our friendship to another level,” he explained.

“You still should have considered my claim to him,” Spock insisted stubbornly, hurt making him continue to lash out.

Sarek shook his head. “You had no claim on him. He approached you and you refused him.” At their bonding Sarek had seen all Kirk’s memories as Kirk had seen his. He had seen Kirk’s hurt and despair at this which had turned out to be the starting point of his year long depression. “You chose the Kolinahr against your mother’s - and my own - wishes and she never saw you again. You were not even present at her funeral so do not speak to me of betrayal,” Sarek’s control was shaking as he recalled the loss of his own t’hy’la; Spock’s mother.

Spock’s posture softened at the mention of his mother. “I am sorry I did not speak with mother again but you know as well as I do that Gol permits no outside contact,” Spock explained, feeling the sorrow of his mother’s death all over again. For Sarek her loss had already been grieved yet for him it was still fresh.

“Going to Gol was your decision and now you must learn how to live with the consequences,” Sarek’s voice was harsher than he had intended due to the remembrance of Amanda’s pain over never having seen her son again. He added more softly, “Stay with James and me. Become a part of this family. Get to know your sister and regain the respect, trust and friendship from James which you lost. Remain his t’hy’la in every sense of the word but one…you had your chance to gain it all but could not take it. Do not throw away what you can gain on a dream for something you lost long ago.”

Spock was thoughtful for a long while. His father’s words were true and logical. He had lost his chance. It pained him beyond words but there was no logic in denying the facts. He would need to mend his broken heart and hurting spirit but for now there was only one thing to do; accept the facts. Spock rose and said formally in Vulcan, “I accept thy Bonding and wish thee and thy bondmate a long and prosperous life.”

Sarek nodded his accept of the words, the hints of a smile on his lips and warmth sparkling in the depths of his eyes. “Thank you, my son,” he replied in Standard before he added, “Do not cast away your mother’s inheritance to you. You are the best of two worlds. As evident by my Bonding to your mother and now to James, Vulcan and Terran way of life can be united.” He paused for a few seconds before he added, “I am sorry I never realized this nor made this clear to you earlier.” This was Sarek’s own burden to bear; this was his regret.

Spock nodded, relieved and starting to feel a measure of peace and happiness, understanding all his father had not said. Sarek did not find Spock to be too human…he did not find him at fault. He did not detest his human side; his human desires. Finally…finally, Spock was starting to find peace within himself.

“Thank you, father,” he said softly, heartfelt, feeling renewed courage on life despite the hurt, regret and agony at the loss of Kirk.

* * *

“So I guess all there’s left to say is congratulations on your anniversary. Who would have thought our Jim here could manage ten years of marriage so masterfully,” McCoy ended his toast, raised his glass towards Kirk and Sarek and everyone took a sip of the champagne.

“Very flattering, Bones,” Kirk mock complained and smiled at his friend. The Enterprise was well into its third five year mission and this time Spock had taken both positions as Science Officer and Fist Officer back while Sulu had left the crew when he had taken command of his own ship.

Things hadn’t easily fallen back into place. There was a lot of hurt, regrets and lost dreams between Spock and Kirk, which had hung between them. Gradually, little by little, Spock had accepted the new situation and had become the close friend Kirk had chosen to recall him as when he had left for Gol. He had also become a wonderful big brother to Saavik and his relationship with Sarek had improved immensely. Spock would stay with Sarek, Kirk and Saavik on their shore leaves. Things would be well between them until a sudden touch or word would remind Kirk and Spock of what dreams they had once had. Though Spock had accepted the situation he was still secretly pleased that only he called Kirk Jim while Sarek always said James, a name Spock had never used for his t’hy’la. He was also pleased that he shared Kirk’s work and passion for the stars and the Enterprise, something Sarek did not do. These moments that gave them a special bond were both wonderful and agonizing to them both.

Sarek and Kirk understood that though Spock loved staying with his family he also felt a bit left out. Spock had abandoned following the Kolinahr of no emotions and had finally accepted both his human and Vulcan halves. Because of this he would soon enter Pon Farr again at which time he would need a mate. Kirk had spoken with Sarek about it, knowing his friend’s embarrassment in such matters and had recalled what Spock had told him when he had been under the influence of the spores. That he had been truly happy for the first time in his life with Leila…he could be so again now that he had accepted his dual inheritance. Kirk had managed to find Leila and luckily she was divorced and still loved Spock. Sarek had agreed that two days after their ten-year wedding anniversary they would invite Leila over and have her and Spock talk. Kirk was positive a union could be made as Leila’s affections were clear and it was obvious Spock also held her in high regard. It would be a logical and pleasing union. Kirk felt a sting of pain over knowing someone else would be with Spock but he had accepted that it was how things had to be. He loved Spock and wanted him to be happy and he still meant what he had said when Spock had turned him down all those years ago; he wished Spock to be happy even if it was not with him.

Spock, who was seated next to his father rose and all eyes were on him. Saavik, who sat besides Kirk, gave her brother a big encouraging smile.

“Father, t’hy’la,” Spock begun, addressing Sarek and Kirk with warm sincerity. The old Enterprise crew together with other of Kirk and Sarek’s closest friends and family members were attending the dinner celebrating their 10 years of marriage and many of them had held speeches. However, both Kirk and Sarek looked forth to Spock’s speech with great anticipation. “Finding happiness is rare and I am…glad to see you have found contentment.” His eyes found Kirk’s and held them across the table. “My t’hy’la once told me love is not only about giving but also knowing when to give up. It is about sacrifices and it is about wanting the best for the other even if that will mean the loss of a beloved. I see now that as so often before he was right.” Kirk’s eyes threatened to get misty and he blinked the wetness away. Spock raised his glass and the other guests followed suit. “Peace and long life.”

Everyone drank but Kirk and Spock’s eyes remained locked. How different things could have been…He had once talked with Spock about alternative realities and wondered now if he and his t’hy’la were together in one of them. He chose to believe they were. Though they had both found a measure of happiness they both knew they could have had Heaven yet their own fears had kept them from even trying.

Kirk’s eyes found Sarek and he smiled warmly. He was happy in his life. He loved his bondmate and his daughter. His eyes found David’s who had finished university by now. They had slowly started to develop a closer relationship though Kirk knew they would never be able to be as close as he wanted them to on account of him having missed all David’s childhood years. He loved his son and recalled that Sarek had talked about getting another child before it was too late. Kirk had agreed that it sounded like a good idea. Saavik had certainly brightened his life.

He smiled to himself. He had gotten a good life. He had more than most…yet he was still left with a bitter taste in his mouth when he recalled he could have had so much more…yet time had run out for him. It had been too late…it was too late now yet the desire, longing and the love remained with all the bittersweet sorrow of regret.

Kirk’s eyes found Spock’s again after their sweep around the table and as always Spock seemed to guess his thoughts for he nodded slightly and he whispered words in his mind through their light bond, *And I you,* answered Kirk’s unspoken declaration of love.

* * *

The festivities went on and after that life continued. Kirk and Spock grew accustomed to the longing and the regrets for a love that never came to pass, finding contentment and happiness in the life they had created without that love.

Kirk was sure that Spock, like him, found comfort in the fact that somewhere out there, in just one out of the endless number of parallel universes…they must have managed to find happiness in each other’s arms and the thought made the longing and the regret easier to bear.

The End