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‘You just haven’t found the right person yet,’ Jiang Cheng can hear his sister say in his mind. ‘You’ll see, once you find the one for you, it will all come together.’
Those are the words he has clung to for years now, whenever someone asked him if he is in a relationship or slept with someone yet. Those words make him feel less broken when he thinks yet again that something is wrong with him for not being able to say yes to either of those things.
He just needs the right person.
Lan Xichen is the right person, Jiang Cheng is sure of that. He has been in love with him for longer than he cares to admit, and he wants everything with Lan Xichen. He can imagine things with him he never even thought to imagine before: a home, a wedding, a family.
Lan Xichen is the right person for him.
And yet.
And yet he shudders when Lan Xichen slides his hands over his exposed sides, to grip his hips. He shudders when Lan Xichen sucks kiss after kiss into the thin skin covering his throat. He shudders when Lan Xichen opens the button of his jeans.
It’s not in pleasure.
Jiang Cheng tries to push it away, tries to remind himself that it’s just because it’s new, because he never did this before and doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to expect. That’s all.
He can’t close his eyes when Lan Xichen kisses down his stomach, because somehow that makes it worse, but watching Lan Xichen gives Jiang Cheng a strange feeling of detachment, and when Lan Xichen moves to mouth over Jiang Cheng’s still clothed and very much not erect cock, he panics.
“No, stop, don’t, let go of me,” he rushes out and pushes Lan Xichen away.
Jiang Cheng doesn’t give him a chance to ask anything, he just needs to get away, right now, and the bathroom is closest. He stumbles in there, a confused “Jiang Cheng?” following him, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t listen and slams the door shut behind him before he locks it for good measure too.
He stands in his bathroom, not quite shaking but also very much not calm, and it slowly dawns on him just what he did.
He pushed Lan Xichen away and then slammed a door in his face.
Fuck.
Jiang Cheng wants to apologize, wants to go back out, but he’s acutely aware of the fact that he’s not wearing a shirt, and suddenly that’s bothering him. He fumbles with the button of his jeans but eventually he gets it all closed up again.
It makes him feel a little bit better, even though he’s still feeling too exposed without his shirt.
Afterwards he takes a deep breath and then slides down on the door, to sit on the floor and let his head hang between his knees.
He really fucked this up.
“Jiang Cheng?” Lan Xichen tentatively asks from the other side and Jiang Cheng tenses all over again.
“Yeah, I’m—I’m here,” he says, rather stupidly, considering that he fled in here mere minutes ago, and he slams his head against the door.
“Don’t,” Lan Xichen rushes out and Jiang Cheng can hear him slide down the door as well. “Are you okay?” he asks, his voice muffled through the wood, but Jiang Cheng still knows that he’s worried.
“I—I don’t know,” Jiang Cheng says honestly and then presses his eyes closed. He probably shouldn’t have admitted that.
“Did I do something you didn’t like?” Lan Xichen tentatively asks and Jiang Cheng goes still.
He can’t say yes to that, even though it would be the truth.
“Jiang Cheng?” Lan Xichen asks when Jiang Cheng stays silent for too long.
“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng presses out instead of answering him and he can just imagine how Lan Xichen’s brow goes all furrowed.
“For what?”
“Running out like that,” Jiang Cheng mutters, not sure if he wants Lan Xichen to hear, but of course he does it anyway.
“That’s fine,” Lan Xichen reassures him and Jiang Cheng scoffs at that.
How can it be fine when he pushed his own boyfriend away and ran out like he was disgusted?
“Can you tell me what happened?” Lan Xichen carefully asks and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes again, let’s his head drop against the door, because if only.
If only it was that easy to explain.
“I don’t know,” he finally admits and he’s met with silence.
It lasts long enough that it worries him.
“Lan Xichen?” he asks, because he’s half convinced that Lan Xichen just up and left, but of course that’s stupid of him.
Lan Xichen would never do that.
“I’m here,” he says reassuringly and Jiang Cheng lets out a sigh of relieve at that. “I’m just trying to figure out what happened.”
‘I fucked up,’ Jiang Cheng thinks, but he doesn’t say it out loud. He’s sure Lan Xichen doesn’t want to hear that.
“I did something you didn’t like, right?” Lan Xichen tries again and Jiang Cheng has to bite back some tears.
Lan Xichen is trying so hard to figure this out, when all there is to this is that Jiang Cheng is fucked up and can’t even allow the simplest intimate contact.
“Can you tell me what?” Lan Xichen goes on and Jiang Cheng puts his head between his knees again, tries desperately to just breathe and not just blurt out ‘All of it’.
“Please be honest, Jiang Cheng. If you’re afraid that I’ll be mad, I can assure you that I won’t be.”
No, he will be just disappointed, Jiang Cheng is sure of that. And disappointed is always worse than mad.
“Was it the kissing? My hands on you? Where I touched you?” Lan Xichen gives him options and Jiang Cheng is pretty sure he doesn’t deserve someone as good as Lan Xichen.
“All of it,” Jiang Cheng finally whispers, because Lan Xichen is trying so hard and he should know the truth, even though it will push Lan Xichen away.
“All of it,” Lan Xichen repeats and Jiang Cheng covers his ears with his hands.
He doesn’t want to hear this.
“Why didn’t you say?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Jiang Cheng shakes his head.
How could he have said when he only realized it when it happened?
“Is it because of me?” Lan Xichen haltingly asks and that finally gets Jiang Cheng to talk.
“No!” he rushes out, because Lan Xichen is everything he ever wanted. “I never—I never slept with anyone. I never wanted to. It’s not you. It’s me,” Jiang Cheng admits and he’s aware of how it sounds, but it’s the truth.
There is something wrong with him and not with Lan Xichen.
“Jiang Cheng, are you ace?” Lan Xichen asks, and it’s so surprising, it stops Jiang Cheng from worrying for a second.
“Am I what?”
“Ace? Asexual?” Lan Xichen clarifies, but it doesn’t help Jiang Cheng any.
“I don’t know what that is,” he finally admits and he’s startled when there’s a knock at the door.
“Do you mind opening that?” Lan Xichen asks and Jiang Cheng knows he will let it be if he says yes, but Jiang Cheng finds that maybe he wants to be out there with Lan Xichen.
Just, not shirtless.
“Do you have a shirt for me?” he asks, voice small and he hates himself for it, but he feels too exposed like this.
“One moment,” Lan Xichen tells him, and Jiang Cheng can hear him get up.
It takes him barely a minute to knock at the door again.
“I have your shirt,” he says and Jiang Cheng takes one last deep breath before he gets up.
He unlocks the door, hand tight around the handle, and he only opens it a little bit, just enough for him to grab the shirt Lan Xichen is helpfully offering to him. Jiang Cheng closes the door immediately afterwards, though he doesn’t lock it, and Lan Xichen doesn’t try to come in.
Jiang Cheng quickly puts his shirt on, and he does feel better afterwards. Less exposed, less vulnerable.
“Okay,” he mutters to himself and then pushes the door open.
Lan Xichen isn’t crowding him in, he’s sitting on the bed, but he’s dressed again as well, and Jiang Cheng is relieved to see it.
“Hi,” Lan Xichen says with a small smile and Jiang Cheng is helpless but to return it.
“Hi,” he lowly gives back and then walks over to his desk to sit down in the chair there.
If Lan Xichen is disappointed that he didn’t come to the bed and sit next to him, he doesn’t show it.
“So,” Jiang Cheng starts, because suddenly this is a lot more awkward than it was through the door. “Asexual?” he prompts and Lan Xichen turns slightly towards him.
“It’s a sexual orientation, much like bisexual or homosexual,” Lan Xichen explains, though he frowns, as if he’s trying hard to remember. “I think there are a lot of nuances, but the gist is that asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction for anyone. A lot of them are sex averse, if I remember correctly.”
“Why do you know so much about that?” Jiang Cheng asks, because it’s easier than to think about what Lan Xichen just said.
“Wangji,” Lan Xichen explains. “There was a phase, when all of you were studying at the Cloud Recesses that he started wondering. Wei Wuxian always flirted and made innuendos, and Nie Huaisang with his porn—,” Lan Xichen trails off and shrugs. “He wondered if something was wrong with him then and we did a bit of research.”
“And?”
“For a while we though he might be aro/ace, as in aromantic and asexual, but it turns out he was just waiting for Wei Wuxian.”
“So he’s Wei Wuxian-sexual,” Jiang Cheng jokes and Lan Xichen huffs out a laugh at that.
“Demi-sexual might be more accurate, but who knows, maybe it really is just Wei Wuxian,” he says with a shrug.
“Demi-sexual?” Jiang Cheng asks, and he feels stupid for never having heard of these things, but Lan Xichen just smiles at him.
“It’s when you can only form a romantic or sexual relationship with someone you know really well beforehand.”
“I always thought that was me,” Jiang Cheng lowly admits. “Just waiting for the right person. But I guess not.”
“Maybe not,” Lan Xichen agrees. “I think I still have the links somewhere, I can send them to you if you want.”
“If I am, asexual I mean, what does that mean for us?” Jiang Cheng asks even though he’s scared of the answer.
It’s clear that Lan Xichen is not asexual. Jiang Cheng isn’t sure how that’s going to work out.
“Nothing,” Lan Xichen immediately says. “It won’t change anything.”
“Right,” Jiang Cheng bitterly says, but Lan Xichen shakes his head.
“Wanyin, it doesn’t have to change anything.”
“But you want sex,” Jiang Cheng says and even just the thought of sleeping with Lan Xichen makes him shudder.
“I haven’t slept with anyone since I fell in love with you,” Lan Xichen tells him and then shrugs. “It’s been a while already, and that’s alright. If I really need it, I have some toys,” Lan Xichen admits and Jiang Cheng goes soft over how he blushes slightly at that.
“But you have wants and needs,” Jiang Cheng still tries again.
“And I am not going to satisfy them by compromising yours,” Lan Xichen determinedly gives back and the vehemence with which he says it takes Jiang Cheng off guard.
“Maybe I can learn to like some things?” he offers and Lan Xichen shakes his head.
“No. If you want we can try different things and see if there is anything you like, but you don’t have to learn to endure something for my sake. I won’t do that to you.”
Jiang Cheng wants to protest that, he really does, because how can that be a balanced relationship, but Lan Xichen silences him with a look.
“Only what you’re comfortable with,” he reiterates again and it shuts Jiang Cheng right up. “Besides today, did we already do something you didn’t like?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Jiang Cheng loves him so much he’s drowning in it sometimes.
Instead of answering he goes over to Lan Xichen and slides right into his lap, putting his arms around his neck and burying his face in Lan Xichen’s throat.
“No,” he mutters, truthfully too, and Lan Xichen relaxes under him, as he hugs him back.
“If we do in the future, I want you to tell me,” Lan Xichen softly says and Jiang Cheng nods.
“I love you,” he whispers into Lan Xichen’s skin and Lan Xichen tightens his arms around Jiang Cheng.
“I love you, too, my heart,” he gives back and presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s temple.
“I’m sorry for ruining our evening,” Jiang Cheng eventually mumbles and he can feel Lan Xichen shake his head.
“You didn’t ruin anything,” he gives back and Jiang Cheng knows he’s lying, because of course he ruined tonight, but he doesn’t argue.
There’s a brief silence before Lan Xichen asks: “What I’m taking away from this is that cuddling is okay. Do you maybe want to do that while watching a movie?”
Jiang Cheng smiles and presses a kiss to Lan Xichen’s throat before he pulls away and climbs off Lan Xichen’s lap.
“Yes,” he decisively says and tugs Lan Xichen along by his hand.
Jiang Cheng is sure that there will be many more talks in the future, after he did some research, and he’s still half convinced that Lan Xichen will eventually walk out on him if Jiang Cheng can’t deliver on the physical aspects of their relationship, but for now, this is good.
Cuddling Lan Xichen on the couch is all he wants and needs.