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If you say that Yoongi looks like a person who doesn't enjoy the holidays much at all, you wouldn't be too far from the truth. Years have passed since his apartment had been decorated for any kind of holiday. He sees the sour face of Seokjin who has brought a bag full of golden ornaments, stick on snowflakes, and a spray-on snow, and who sees the lack of festive shinies in the apartment. He sees how Jimin's chest deflates, all excitement leaving with his breath. He can also see the pity in Namjoon's expression, and the slow realization hitting Hoseok's mind.
"Are you… not going to…" Jimin halts, unsure of what to say.
"You can, uh, you can come in," Yoongi says, and rushes out of the way to let them through the door, careful not to spill anything from his bunny mug. It was that time of the year where his tea needed extra whisky, and the coffee had way too much rum.
The four men take off their shoes and sit on the black leather couch in the spotless living room. They stay in silence until Namjoon offers to make something hot to drink and Hoseok jumps up to go help him.
"Hyung, it's…it's Christmas time. It's a time of joy, and a time to spend it with those who you love…"
"Yeah," Yoongi nods and takes a generous sip from the mug, almost jabbing himself in the eye for the 10th time this day with the bunny ears that are on one side. "I thought you all went to Jeju to celebrate."
"We planned to, but going without you would be…" Seokjin looks away, and his gaze lands on a framed picture. Yoongi sees the hesitation and chuckles bitterly.
"Would be a good idea because you wouldn't have to be with my pathetic broody ass right now," Yoongi finishes the sentence Seokjin started.
"Don't say that!" The man immediately scolds the younger. "You know we can't just leave you behind."
"You should."
Jimin looks at Yoongi, eyes wide after hearing his words.
"You're drinking again," he states, rather than asks. "Hyung, we've been through this."
"And yet you're surprised every year," Yoongi chuckles again and puts the mug on a coffee table. They can hear a cup breaking from the kitchen, so Yoongi gets up to check up on the two.
Hoseok sucks on his finger that's bleeding, and Namjoon is cleaning up the shards.
"I'm sorry," Hoseok mumbles around his digit, "it's just. A lot to take in, even though it's been…"
"Three years?" Yoongi suggests, and Hoseok nods, eyes filling up with tears. "Yeah. I know. I know too well, actually."
Yoongi manages to put a smile on his face, though it's so crooked, it looks more like a grimace of pain. Hoseok thinks it actually is one. When the coffee is brewed, they carry the cups to the living room and set them on hand painted coasters. Funny how the world works; something that used to bring them all so much joy now makes them feel like dying.
"So where's Taehyung?" Yoongi tries to start a casual conversation, steering it away from the topic that seems to always follow them.
"Visiting his family," Jimin pipes in. "He's taken Tannie too, and I'm joining him tomorrow. We need to plan our wedding so…"
"Ah, right. You're getting married…" Yoongi hums, fiddling with his ring. "Have you thought about location?"
"Yeah, actually!" Jimin seems relieved that they can have a first normal conversation in a while. "We're going to Hawaii, and then a honeymoon in Mali, doesn't it sound great?"
"It really does," Namjoon replies, a wide grin appearing on his face. Yoongi doesn't believe him one bit.
"You're keeping it small?" Seokjin asks after taking a sip from his mug. Yoongi sees that his lips twitch—he's never liked the way Namjoon makes him coffee but doesn't have a heart to tell him.
"Mhm. It's just you guys, and our families," Jimin beams at a mere mention of the wedding.
"Have you visited him?" Namjoon suddenly asks Yoongi. The man clears his throat and looks away, gaze landing on the same picture Seokjin looked at.
It shows the two of them. Yoongi and Jeongguk in front of a Christmas tree out in town. The wheelchair is decorated with fairy lights and golden beads on a string, and Jeongguk's smile is so bright, brighter than the tree in the background, brighter than the fairy lights, brighter than the stars in the night sky. Jeongguk's legs are covered in a festive blanket that Yoongi picked, and on his knees lays a small blackboard with some basic words and some letters for Jeongguk to be able to communicate with the rest of the world. It was when he still could move his hands with a relative ease (the tremors weren't as advanced).
"Have you?" Namjoon asks again.
"I have. I even left flowers," he replies, still looking at the picture. "Not like he cares. He's six feet under and covered with a marble plaque."
The blunt words make the rest flinch and Yoongi finds a somewhat sick sense of pleasure at the reaction. He takes another sip, the whiskey buzzing in his head, numbing senses, and making him feel less scared, less sad, less alone. He's in a room full of people and yet he feels lonelier than before.
The silence is deafening.
"I think he'd love to see you happy again," Seokjin finally says, looking to Namjoon for help. But Namjoon's gaze is focused on Jimin who's wiping his eyes.
"I don't know what he'd love, hyung. He can't tell me. He wasn't able to tell me for more than four years. Do you know how it feels?"
"I-"
"You don't. Picture this. He's… he was my family. I've been together with him for seven years. That's seven birthdays, seven Chuseok celebrations, seven Christmases, seven years, hyung. Seven years. It would've been ten. So no, you don't know how it feels to lose your family. And I haven't heard his voice for four years, and I don't know if he'd want to spray fake snow on the fucking windows, if he'd want to see golden ornaments, and the stupid stick on snowflakes! So please," Yoongi's voice breaks, alcohol doing its work. "Please don't tell me what he'd love."
"Yoongi, I don't think if you realize that but he was our family too. You're not the only one dealing with loss, but you're the only one who still hasn't moved on," Seokjin sets the mug on the coaster a little too forcefully and spills a bit of coffee on the table.
Yoongi begins laughing, a little bit hysterically, covering his face with a hand. It goes on for a bit before he calms down. The four men look at him with concern.
"That's rich. That's very rich coming from all of you," he says, looking especially pointedly at Namjoon. "I'm not going to decorate an apartment. End of story."
"Well, then that's your choice hyung," Hoseok says, his voice shaking. He gets up and leaves, shutting the door behind him loudly. Seokjin gets up as well, excusing himself, and the front door shut again.
"Hyung, at this point… At this point, do you even want us here at all?" Jimin asks, choking back tears.
Yoongi doesn't reply and Jimin scoffs. He takes Namjoon by his elbow and they both leave. Now Yoongi's alone again. He looks at the abandoned bag of decorations and sighs before getting up and taking it into the small storage room. It's still full of Jeongguk's stuff: his baby pink wheelchair, his set of oil paints and brushes, his unfinished paintings and framed art, a whole bunch of blankets, his unfinished craft projects… the whole entirety of Jeongguk's passions and hobbies. The remnants of personality that the boy he loved had left behind years ago.
Yoongi picks up a blanket, dusty from its age. He unfolds it and sees a small stain, probably from food that was dropped on the fleece. He scratches at it and remembers it was a congee they had in Shanghai when Yoongi was still learning how to properly feed Jeongguk without making a mess.
He spots an envelope. Again, baby pink… he doesn't remember it being here, or maybe it was lost under the blankets… Yoongi opens it and sees a folded piece of paper.
My beloved,
Yoongi has to pause, tears filling his eyes already.
My beloved,
I'm taking advantage of Jimin hyung to help me write this—I'm kind of useless with that now, aren't I. Well, my beloved husband, I know I have to write down everything before I pass. I have to let you know how I feel, and how I need you to proceed after my death.
I know it's very scary—I mean, dying before I hit 25? Rough stuff. And I know you'll grieve worse than anyone. Because that's how much we love each other. Life and death, sickness and health. You took that second part of the vow very seriously and I can't thank you enough. It means a lot to me.
Do you remember when we first met?
Yoongi wipes tears from his eyes with a sleeve and sits on the floor, unable to stand anymore.
I remember! And I know you do too, but let me refresh our memories. It was December 23rd, we were both running late for the train. You booked one to Daegu, I booked a ticket to Busan. Funny how the life works—they were both delayed and we started nagging at the railway company. We ended up sitting next to each other on a bench. I was still so young, and I had those really really short hair, remember? I was eighteen, still a kid, still full of hope. You were twenty-two, a disillusioned college student. You had a funky undercut, mint hair, and a leather jacket.
And you bought us hot cocoa. From then on, it was us. Just us.
Yoongi hyung, you made me love Christmas again. You made me feel that Christmas cheer I lost somewhere in the process of growing up. I loved the decorations, the ugly sweaters, the presents that you brought back… Beloved, you're my Christmas fairy.
And after I pass, I hope you'll still love Christmas for the both of us.
My love, before I finish this obscenely tooth rotting sweet letter, I just want to let you know that even when I'm not here, if you keep my memory alive, I'll never leave.
Your little bunny,
Jeongguk.
Yoongi finishes reading the letter, hands shaking. Tears are pouring from his eyes as if someone forgot to turn off a faucet.
The man takes the red fleece and puts it into the washing machine; there's a bottle of hypoallergenic fabric softener, one Jeongguk always loved, so Yoongi pours a little bit in, and then leaves to the storage room again. He picks up the bag Seokjin left and then begins to rummage through boxes until he finds the ugly sweaters, and the bunny-reindeer ears/antlers. He puts on Jeongguk's favourite sweater (red with colourful Christmas stockings that have bells attached at the top) and the stupidly cute hybrid on his head and then begins decorating.
It may not be perfect but it's for him.
The blanket finishes washing, so Yoongi puts it into the dryer, and then video calls Seokjin.
"Come over, and bring some eggnog," he says and rolls his eyes when he hears the man choking on his tea.
In the end, maybe Yoongi looks like he hates Christmas, and you wouldn't be far from the truth… But the holidays are so much more than what people think of it. It means family (in all meanings of this word), it means warmth, love, and maybe a tiny bit of eggnog and mulled wine.