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and i am done with my graceless heart (so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart)
“I better not be seeing what I think I’m seeing,” an all too familiar voice yelled across the abandoned lot.
The moment Athena Grant threw him in the back of her patrol car was the moment Eddie Diaz realized that he may have just made the biggest mistake of his life.
Athena was, unsurprisingly, relentless in expressing her opinion of the situation. Eddie had to be honest, he wasn’t completely paying attention, but phrases like “thought you were better than this,” and “ you were supposed to be the good influence,” and “maybe would have expected this from Buck a year ago,” were hard to miss.
And who was he to disagree? Thinking back, Eddie hadn’t done anything this irrational since right after Afghanistan, if not even before then. But Lena had mentioned the fight, and after everything… Shannon, Buck, Buck again, Christopher… he wasn’t thinking clearly. In that moment, all he wanted to do was punch something, and if she was offering? Who was he to say no? And that’s the question I answered incorrectly, Eddie thought. He was the perfect person to say no. He had a son who relied on him, a team who needed him to have their backs, a best friend who he couldn’t lose...
“I’m assuming your phone call is going to my husband?” Athena asked, shoving Eddie out of his thoughts and into a holding cell.
“Yes ma’am,” he replied, purposely avoiding her eyes. Who else would he call? He couldn’t face anyone else.
“I’ll get him on the line,” Athena said, turning away from the holding area. “You better hope he’s more understanding than I am.”
“Diaz.”
Eddie jumped as Bobby spoke, having been lost in his head once again.
“Cap,” Eddie started, “I’m so… I just… sorry doesn’t begin to explain it. I don’t know-”
“I don’t want to hear it right now.”
“Yes, sir.”
The remainder of the drive back to the 118 was completely silent.
Eddie may have liked it better if Bobby was yelling at him.
Waiting in the Captain’s office was almost worse than waiting in the holding cell. At least then, Eddie had an idea of what to expect. After getting to the fire station, Bobby had sent him up to the office and told him to wait there, he had to make a few calls. Calls that Eddie could only believe were about the inevitable termination of his job.
God, he really screwed this one up. He had worked so hard for this; moved Christopher across the country, away from everything he had ever known. Worked hours upon hours, trained at levels similar to those he had trained at for the army, gave more of himself to this firehouse than he thought he had left.
And he gave it up for what, one good fight?
At that moment, Bobby opened the door and entered the room. “Just spoke with the chief,” he said. “Order’s for Bosko’s transfer are effective immediately. I’m not sure what their plan with her is, or if she’ll even have a job with the LAFD anymore, but I do know that there is no place for a person like that in my firehouse.”
Great. If they’re firing Lena, they’re probably firing him too.
“Now,” Bobby continued, pulling out the chair across from Eddie and taking a seat, “I want you to tell me what happened, and more importantly, why you did it. Start from the beginning.”
Of course Bobby would want to know the whole story. Eddie really didn’t want to spend his last moments in the best place he’d ever worked reliving his worst decision, but it looked like Captain Nash wasn’t planning on giving him a choice.
Taking a deep breath, Eddie started, “Lena - Firefighter Bosko - told me about this fighting ring-”
“No,” Bobby interrupted. “Start at the beginning. I know about the fighting ring. I also know that you’re smart enough to realize that that is a terrible idea, and you definitely wouldn’t have done it if your head was on straight. I need to know why you took her up on that offer, Eddie. I can’t help you if I don’t know why you’re acting this way.”
That was… not what Eddie had been expecting to hear. Cap wanted to help him? After everything he’d done?
“You’re… you’re not angry?” Eddie asked.
“Oh no, trust me, I am very angry,” Bobby replied. “However, I would also be the world’s biggest hypocrite if I refused to hear you out. Like I said, I know you’re smarter than this. So I need you to tell me what’s been going on.”
So Eddie was still probably going to get fired, but at least he got to tell his story first.
“Okay, so, um…” Eddie started again, “I guess… I guess it’s just been a bunch of crap just building up, and I’ve just been trying to bottle it back. Probably started with Shannon’s death, if not before. Then the whole fire truck incident happened, and I almost lost my best friend, and then he’s finally better but then he’s not and so then I push him too hard and use my own son as a tool to get him out of his apartment and then I almost lose both of them and I just… I couldn’t handle that reality? And I’m just trying to come to terms with this like, ‘hey! You were in Afghanistan! You’ve lost people before, but you were still fine!’ and l’m… I know for a fact that I wasn’t but there’s still just a part of me that felt like I needed to keep this all bottled up but then Bosko told me about the ring and all I could think about was that release that I so desperately needed, and I didn’t even stop to think about the fact that there could be consequences until I heard Athena yelling…”
“Diaz, I need you to breathe.”
Oh. He hadn’t even realized that he was shaking. Putting his head in his hands, Eddie took a few deep breaths.
There was another beat of silence before Bobby spoke again.
“Eddie, a wise kid once told me to not be afraid to ask for help every once in a while, and I think that that’s something you need to hear right now. Ask for help. I’m glad that you know that you went about it the wrong way, and that you’re self-aware enough to realize that you’re bottling everything up, but you have been through far too much to go through this alone.”
Eddie shook his head. “I know Cap, but it’s just… Christopher and Buck, they both need me right now and I-”
“Love is a two-way street, Diaz,” Bobby said, putting a hand on Eddie’s arm. “You are a good man, and I know that you love both of them so much, and they love you back. But if you want to really be there for them, you need to take care of yourself. If you’re out getting your face punched in, how can you be helping them?”
Eddie took a second. Choosing to avoid what Bobby said about him loving Buck (that can of worms could wait a few more days, thank you very much), Eddie just nodded and said, “yeah, you’re right.”
“I’ve got a lot of experience on both sides of this conversation, so I tend to be right about these things nowadays.” As Bobby leaned back in his chair with a hint of a smile on his face, Eddie could almost feel the previously palpable tension in the room lifting.
“Now, unfortunately, you did something kind of illegal, so there will be some consequences.”
Right. Those. Eddie had almost managed to forget he was still probably getting fired.
“Buck and I used to have this three strike rule,” Bobby continued, “and I think we can apply that system to you, too. I’m still going to give you a three day suspension, because I think you need a moment to get your head on straight, but since this is your first offence, I think that should be enough.”
Wait. Really?
“You’re not firing me?”
Bobby stared back. “Do you want me to fire you?”
“No, not at all!” Eddie replied. “It’s just that…”
Bobby picked up Eddie’s sentence, “it’s just that you’re a good man who’s had a lot going on, and did something stupid because of it. Unless you manage to really screw up again, you will always have a place at the 118. But I need you to promise me that you are going to get help. I can give you some recommendations if you’d like.”
Eddie nodded, the captain’s kindness leaving him at a loss for words.
“I also want you to be the one to explain to the rest of the team why you’re suspended,” Bobby added, writing something on a sticky note (Eddie assumed it was the names of some therapists. “They’re your family, and they deserve to hear it from you.
“Now, I know that Buck is watching Christopher tonight, so it’s up to you if you want to deal with that right now. I can drive you home if you’d like, or you can just spend the rest of the night here.”
“I’ll just stay here,” Eddie responded. He couldn’t deal with Buck’s disappointment. Not right now.
Bobby nodded, standing up and heading towards the door.
“Eddie, I mean it. If you ever need anything, I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. Please do not hesitate to ask for help.”
We’re all here for you. That’s what did it; that was the moment Eddie really realized what was going on. Despite having made a major mistake, he still had a job. He still had support. He still had a family. His shoulders started heaving as every emotion he’d been pushing down all night - no, every emotion he’d been pushing down for the past few months - came to the surface. There was no holding it in, he realized, breaking down into sobs, crying harder than he had since losing Shannon.
Within seconds, strong arms were wrapped around him, pulling him into the kind of hug that could only be filled with a fatherly kind of love.
“Go ahead and let it out, Eds,” Bobby whispered. “I’ve got you. We’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”