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Rodney had been in a bad mood for days. Which really made no sense given the recent victory they’d had over the Wraith. The surprise reinforcements and Daedalus had saved them from destruction and really that was nothing to be sour about. Like everyone else in Atlantis Rodney had been overjoyed by their arrival and the following victory. The news that a select few of them would get to return to Earth for a short time was even better news and had of course made Rodney happy.
Now over a week later and the endorphins of all that had faded. Massive repairs were needed and as much as McKay enjoyed flaunting his big brain being pulled in twenty different directions got old fast. On top of that the added military force was making it harder to things done efficiently. Along with all their guns they had brought a lot of extra red tape. It was beyond annoying and he hadn’t even had the chance to speak with John about it. John’s absence was another point of agitation. He had barley seen the man since they had started the massive undertaking of fixing the city.
McKay knew it wasn’t John’s fault. He knew the other man wasn’t actually avoiding him. As the military commander of Atlantis Rodney was sure John was getting the brunt of all that obnoxious red tape. Probably having to justify his every decision to the new military leader. It had been more than a little obvious that Colonel Everett had not been a fan of Sheppard or his leadership methods. This seemed to be a reoccurring theme when it came to John and higher ranking officers.
Despite this absence not even being John’s fault it was still like a thorn in Rodney’s side. He had a bone to pick with the other man. It was nothing really, a silly thing to be holding on to. Rodney just couldn’t get the image of John running from the chair room in a suicidal rush out of his head. When it had happened in the midst of the battle that impulsive rushed exit had stung like a gun shot. They didn’t really talk about their feelings much. It had just never been a necessary part of their relationship. This however, Rodney needed to bring it to his partner's attention. Which was why now that he finally had a few hours to breath he was headed to John’s room.
They were leaving for Earth tomorrow and had graciously been given a full day to get packed and ready for their stay. This was how Rodney knew John would be in his quarters. In true McKay fashion he didn’t bother knocking and just thought the soldier’s door open inviting himself in.
“Hey McKay,” Sheppard said not even bothering to turn around from where he was sorting through his dresser. “You packed? Ready to go home?” He asked turning and tossing a shirt in the general direction of his pack. “Then again I’m not really sure I think of Earth as home anymore.” John said thoughtfully. Then he seemed to really look at Rodney and notice how tense he was. “What’s up?”
“We need to talk,” he started firmly and Sheppard sank to sit on his bed watching the scientist attentively. “Its about what you did. That damn suicide run you made.”
“Rodney I didn’t have a choice,” John started with a sigh.
“Yes you did,” McKay shot back angrily.
“No I didn’t. The city was going to be destroyed. Our plan wasn’t working, there wasn’t another option.” John explained exasperated, and it didn’t escape his notice that the more he spoke the more upset Rodney was looking. “I’m the military commander its my responsibility to—”
“You could have at least said good bye!” Rodney shouted cutting him off and making John’s mouth clamp shut in surprise. Rodney huffed in agitation and paced a small line before speaking again. “You could have at least said good bye,” he repeated much calmer, quieter, a little desperate sounding. “I was right there John. You could have taken five second to…” Rodney stopped and let out a shaky breath rubbing at his eyes forcing the water at there rims to dissipate.
“Rodney I… I didn’t,” John stopped because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t what? Think it had been important? Didn’t think there had been time? Didn’t realize it would matter in the long run? None of that was what he wanted to or should say. He looked at the scientist and it made his gut twist. McKay looked a bit broken. Unshielded hurt showing plain as day across his face.
“And a hasty ‘so long’ as you run off to your death isn’t good enough. It doesn’t count,” Rodney continued. He hated the shake in his voice but the rushed words as Sheppard had left had cut him to the bone. “There’s too much…too much left unsaid between us for that.”
John met and held the other man’s eyes. So this was it. This was the point where things actually got real. Over the months since they had gotten together it had seemed so surreal. Their friendship had only grown stronger. Their relationship more intense. Over all in every way it was the best relationship John had ever had. Even better—far better—than his relationship with Nancy had been. This right here, right now was why he hated relationships. The talking about serious things. The raw emotion. He could never manage to say the right thing, read things the right way, understand what his partner actually wanted. But this was Rodney and it was different. He knew full well the scientist was as horrible at all of that as he was. Yet here they were and Rodney had laid it out on the line all John had to do was follow his lead.
Standing Sheppard took the few steps to be right in front of his partner. Rodney was holding his eye looking vulnerable and raw. “Maybe,” John started as he brought his hands up to his partner’s shoulders. He smoothed his hands over them, then ran them up to cradle Rodney’s jaw. “Maybe we shouldn’t leave them unsaid then.” He dipped down and pressed his lips to Rodney’s softly.
McKay pressed back just as gentle. Slow movements and hushed moans as the scientist wrapped his arms around the other man. He held him tight as they kissed slowly, no tongues just soft breath and unspoken emotion. John pulled back and Rodney let him move away. He only took a step back and then began to strip. Rodney followed with no rush. This wasn’t the fast fiery passion of their other encounters. This was its own entity entirely.
John took Rodney’s wrist and pulled him to the bed. Sinking down to sit on the edge he wrapped his arms around McKay’s waist pressing his face against the slight softness of his stomach. “I’m sorry for doing that to you.” The words were quiet but John knew Rodney heard them. Looking up to meet his partner’s eyes he tugged lightly on Rodney’s hips and he came easily. They sank down together Rodney’s weight on top a familiar comfort.
They were kissing again with just as little hurry as before. Hands roaming as they did. Wide palms over smooth warm flesh. Finger tips tracing the sharp features of bone. John sighed against Rodney’s neck as he felt them grow hard together from the gentle touches. The act of becoming aroused slowly and so close like this was such a contrast to the hot passion that normally had both of them aching before they even got their pants off. “I want to feel you Rodney.” John said finding his mouth again and lazily running his tongue over McKay’s lips.
“Yes, yes alright,” Rodney said with a light pant and stretched out to reach the lube John kept in the bed side. When he had it in hand he paused tracing nimble fingers over John’s lips, his collar bones, down the center of his chest. His fingers danced over John’s belly button making the other man’s stomach jump with the tingle of tickling. Rodney smiled and removed his hand opening the lube.
The prep was as slow and sensual as everything had been so far. Full of unhurried kissed and agonizingly slow fingers. John was shaking with need by the time Rodney finally pressed in with three. The feel of his partner inside him anchoring John to the realness of this. Of them here now. Still alive, still standing against all odds. Cementing in him the fact that this was something defining in their relationship that couldn’t be taken back. “Please Rodney,” and John didn’t have to ask twice. Rodney kissed him deep and slow and then pulled back to line up.
“You have no idea how much I need you,” Rodney said quiet and shaky almost like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Then he was pressing in with one smooth motion. John sighed deep and shaky letting his head fall back and his legs come up tight around Rodney’s hips. “Yes John,” McKay sighed and was ducking down bending John’s body so he could reach his mouth.
John rocked with him breaking the kiss to run his lips over the smoothness of Rodney’s freshly shaven face. Down over the pulse hammering in his neck. “God Rodney!” He gasped when a well angled thrust hit his prostate square on. It had the soldier shivering and tightening his legs around the other man.
“Here John, come here.” Rodney was saying and pulling back. John was confused until Rodney started pulling at his shoulders forcing him to sit up. As he did Rodney followed him, moving so he was kneeling and pulling John up and onto his lap. John kneeling around Rodney, long legs framing his. He shivered at the depth the position brought with it. “Yes,” Rodney hissed and wrapped his arms tightly around John’s body holding him as close as humanly possible.
John mirrored this circling Rodney and petting his hands down his back. He was panting and moving with his partner. He had no choice but to follow McKay’s rocking motions. Countering him and meeting him on every thrust, seating his cock deep and in just the right place. It was slow and perfect. He pulled back just enough to look down at the other man. Suddenly it hit John how much more intimate this was compared to all their other nights together. “Christ Rodney I need you,” he gasped burying his face in McKay’s hair breathing him in.
Under him Rodney was nodding. His mouth pressed to John’s neck as he began to speak. “Yes. That’s why you can’t do that any more.” It took John a moment to realize he was reaching back to the conversation that had started this. “You can’t go running off being the hero. You can’t not care if you come back. I care. I need you here. You don’t get to do that not when you have some one waiting for you to come back. Not when you leave behind someone who loves you.”
John gasped and shuddered hard at the words his arms gripping tighter around Rodney’s shoulders. There it was out in the open. Those words had always been there unsaid from the very first time. From the moment John had seen Rodney injured and his anger had made him cave into acting on his feelings. That need to protect hadn’t been friendship or lust or idle passing attraction. It had been love. Always.
“I have to keep you safe. I promised I would,” he replied dipping in to kiss Rodney’s face. His cheek bones, his closed eyes. “That’s what you do, you protect the people you love. I have to keep you safe.”
Rodney opened his eye then and they met and locked. It was in that moment that John realized they had stopped moving, had a while ago. They were just sitting together hugging tightly with Rodney buried deep inside him. “Not like that,” Rodney said voice rough. He moved his arms cupping John’s face in his hands and bringing their foreheads together. “You don’t get to be the hero that goes out in a blaze of glory. You don’t get to leave me behind. If this place falls we go with it. I won’t let you take that on alone.”
“Rodney,” John nearly sobbed and brought their mouths together. The simmering passion between them boiled over a little as he plunged his tongue into Rodney’s mouth. The scientist moaned at the harsher contact pressing back with his own tongue and started to move again. It was slow and forceful and deep. “I won’t leave you behind.” John gasped when he pulling his mouth away.
Rodney nodded and rewrapped his arms around John, burying his face in his partner’s neck. He used his strong grip on John’s torso to pull him down every time he rolled his hips up. It had John gasping and his hands clutching at Rodney’s wide back fingernails scrapping roughly over the muscle there. John’s erection was trapped tightly between them smearing wetly over both their stomachs. The tight hot intimacy of it all sending sparks dancing across the soldier’s skin.
Rodney was gasping and groaning against John’s neck mouth open as he placed wet kisses down the column. Reaching John’s shoulder didn’t stop him and he shifted to sucking bites. Rodney traced over first one collar bone, then the other loving the taste of his partner. He started rocking up a little more firmly. Pulling John down on his lap a little more snuggly. He could feel John’s cock iron hard and wet pressing insistently against his stomach. The feeling made Rodney shudder and move a hair faster.
The deep thrusts were putting constant firm pressure over John’s prostate and when his orgasm hit it took him by surprise. Drawn out and deep rooted making his pulse lazy and messy between them. He made a strangled groan as it coursed through him nuzzling at Rodney’s hair and breathing him in with his climax. Below him Rodney moaned loud and surprised at the sudden tightness. He thrust deep and hard a few more times before emptying himself, clutching John so tightly the soldier could barely breath.
For a long time they stayed like that clutching each other. Just living in the moment and breathing each other in. Rodney was a touch embarrassed by the way he had acted, by the child like sappiness of it all. When he pulled back to look up at John’s face that washed away because John was smiling down at him brightly, lovingly. The soldier started to pull away. Moving to lay back down and drawing Rodney with him. They settled side by side in a tangle of lazy limbs facing each other.
“I am sorry for doing that to you,” John said again. “I’ve never been afraid of rushing into danger when it meant taking care of my people…but I also never really had any one to leave behind either.” He ran his hand lazily over Rodney’s side and up to his chest letting it curl against the little nest of hair in the center. “Its been a long time since I’ve…” the hesitated and ducked his head to nuzzle his partner’s ear. “Its been a long time since I’ve loved someone.” The words were barley a whisper and if they hadn’t been said next to McKay’s ear he wouldn’t have heard them.
“I know and I know talking about this isn’t easy. For either of us. And I know that it’s your job to protect people.” Rodney said gently moving so John had to meet his eyes. “But I’ll be right there with you along the way. You’re not the only one capable of saving the day you know.” He smiled and John grinned right back. Rodney kissed him firmly and suddenly things felt like they always had between them. Easy and natural and relaxed. True friendship that had grown into something more. It was of course different now it couldn’t not be, but loving each other was just part of their normal now. “John I lo—”
“You don’t have to actually say it if you don’t want to,” John said giving him an out because so far it had all been indirect admissions which were somehow easier to hear and say.
“Who said I don’t want to?” Rodney said fake annoyance in his tone. “Besides implying it isn’t the same as actually saying it. I love you John.”
The words being strung together in that formal direct way made the soldier shiver. “Love you,” he whispered and kissed the other man again. When they parted it was with closed eyes and relaxed bodies. They setteled in for sleep tangled up together just because they could. Because they were alive. And because there was nothing left to say.