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Shatterstar feels Julio hovering in the doorway long before he says anything. Maybe this is the night he actually stays, Shatterstar thinks, but he doubts it. It's been a week since he came back from Horus IV. In that time, he has rested and healed. He's mourned two friends. And while Julio has been there through it all, he hasn't stayed. He's bought groceries and cleaned the bathroom, but he hasn't stayed.
Shatterstar can tell from his posture that he's leaving again. He tries not to feel disappointed.
"So the thing is…" Julio says, leaning against the jamb, arms crossed. "When you stranded me in Michigan" – his tone is neutral, devoid of accusation, which Shatterstar knows is intentional – "I ended up having to borrow Michael and Jill's car to get back here, and I really need to return it to them."
"I understand," Shatterstar says.
Julio exhales slightly. "Okay, great," he says, pushing away from the door, a forced smile on his face. "I guess I'll see you when I see you then. I might be up there a while, so I'll get Tabs or Rahne or somebody to check in on you. I'm not going to lie, dude, my mental health is not great right now."
The admission hangs there, heavy, and then Shatterstar blurts out, "may I come with you?"
Julio pauses. "You're still hurt," he says eventually.
"Whether I hurt here or there, it won't make it worse. I will likely slow you down," Shatterstar admits, though it pains him, "but perhaps I would be well enough to teleport us home, given enough time…"
"I'm not looking for a free ride home. I wouldn't even let you try."
"I know," Shatterstar says.
"And I don't care how long this takes," Julio adds, some undercurrent of unpleasant emotion in his voice, which he immediately softens. "I'm not in any rush, okay? This takes as long as it needs to take."
Shatterstar nods, accepting the conditions as Julio has laid them out, but things are still awkward.
And Julio still leaves again.
When Shatterstar comes outside at eleven o'clock the next morning, Julio is sitting on the curb, staring down at his phone. He's nervous about leaving his tenants alone, especially so soon, but he's called in a favour, and Neena has agreed to stay in the apartment. He hides her key, assuming she will find it.
Julio jumps up when he notices him. "Ready, dude? Need me to grab another suitcase or something?"
"No, this is all I am bringing," Shatterstar replies.
Julio opens the trunk and drops his bag into it. "Hey, I got you a chai latte and a breakfast sandwich, if you're hungry," he says over his shoulder. "And let's say a quick prayer that I can get out of Queens without killing anyone. Traffic was insane on the way over. Doesn't anyone work in this fucking city?"
"No?" Shatterstar ventures cautiously.
Julio snorts, but he smiles a little, and that's nice. Shatterstar slides into the passenger seat, his knees bumping up against the glove compartment. The key is already in the ignition, with several fluffy key-chains hanging from it. He watches Julio's hand as he turns the car on. The engine rumbles noisily.
"Just like old times, huh?" Julio asks, smiling faintly again, meeting Shatterstar's gaze. Shatterstar sees all their shared history in his eyes – their tentative friendship, the love that slowly revealed itself, the relationship they both struggled with. "We always knew how to talk to each other on the open road."
"We did," Shatterstar agrees. Mexico had felt easy, sitting in the passenger seat with Julio at the wheel.
"We do need to talk," Julio adds softly, sagging in his seat a little, hands on the steering wheel.
Shatterstar nods. "I agree," he says.
"It's not like we'll have anything else to do. It's fourteen hours between here and there if traffic's not too bad, and nothing says road trip like a sky blue Hyundai Accent. So I guess... I'm ready if you are."
Shatterstar nods again, and Julio, satisfied with his answer, pulls out onto the street.
But they don't talk. Traffic is snarled all the way into New Jersey, and then Shatterstar falls asleep, head against the window, arms crossed. When he wakes up, they're at a gas station, and Julio is nowhere to be seen. Shatterstar gets out and stretches. His entire body aches. No pain, not anymore, but a stiffness, a heaviness, that plagues him. He naps now, for no reason, all the time, but he never feels fully rested.
"Hey, dude," Julio shouts suddenly, coming out of the restroom. "Do you want anything?"
"Surprise me," Shatterstar replies. It's what he says when he doesn't know what he wants.
He settles back into the car and palms around blindly until he finds the lever that moves the front seat back. It slides a mere two inches then stops again, but it's better than it was. He opens the glove compartment and roots through it. It contains a half-used cherry chap-stick, a broken pair of sunglasses, two maps – New York and Pennsylvania – and an enormous stack of napkins from Dairy Queen.
"Quit looking through their stuff," Julio says absently, passing him a blue iced drink with a red straw. He then dumps his phone, his wallet and three packages of Twinkies into the space between their seats.
"I wanted to be prepared," Shatterstar replies defensively, sipping the drink. It is his favourite flavour.
Julio glances at him then frowns. "Fuck, you look awful, dude. I mean, beyond the surface. You're as... you as you ever are, but..." Julio's mouth thins into a straight line. "Should I turn around?" he asks.
"No, I'm fine."
"If you say so," Julio replies and starts the car again, but he keeps glancing at Shatterstar, concerned.
As far as road trips go, he prefers the one they had in Mexico. He remembers the long hours fondly, with the windows rolled down and the warm breeze blowing through his hair, which he often kept down for that purpose. They had frequent breakdowns, but it was comfortable, not like this at all.
He doesn't know how to start. He imagines Julio doesn't either.
He falls asleep again and wakes up angry at himself. He also has to urinate, quite urgently, and alternates between asking Julio to pull over and relieving himself into his empty drink container. It had taken exactly a week in Mexico for all modesty to be thrown out the window, all shame abandoned.
"I need a restroom," he finally mutters.
Julio's eyes flicker to the empty cup. "How bad do you gotta go?"
"Bad," Shatterstar tells him.
Julio nods and guides the car off onto the shoulder.
Shatterstar unbuckles his seat-belt then opens the door, where he's immediately met by a wall of oppressive heat. There's a wooded area close by that should provide enough privacy not to be arrested for indecent exposure. That is just what this uncomfortable road trip is missing: a run-in with the law.
As he walks towards the trees, carefully watching where he's stepping, Julio cranks down the passenger window. He's stretched over the centre console, propped up by one arm on the passenger seat. "Watch out for poison ivy, dude!" he shouts. "And poison oak!" And after a brief pause, "and poison sumac!"
"I don't know what any of those look like," Shatterstar shouts back. It is normally not a concern.
"Neither do I," Julio admits. "But if it looks like anything's about to rot your dick off, let me know."
Shatterstar turns back to look at him, eyebrow lifting faintly.
"Oh, you know what I mean," Julio says, and Shatterstar wonders if he does.
They stop at a chip wagon for a late lunch. The fries are hot and salty, and Shatterstar eats through them with a hunger he hasn't felt for weeks. Julio picks at his own meal, distracted, eyes focussed on something behind Shatterstar's shoulder. The fingers of his left hand drum absently on the picnic table.
"How are you?" Shatterstar asks.
Julio shrugs. "I don't know. It's been a rough few weeks, for a bunch of reasons, not entirely this." He gestures between them, even though his gaze is still fixed on whatever lies beyond Shatterstar's back. "When I started the Shakedown, I didn't realize... there are so many people who need help, dude. What type of world do we live in, that this many people – this many kids – need the sort of help I can offer?"
"The type of world where people like you exist."
Julio snorts under his breath, but his attention switches to Shatterstar's face. "I guess," he says, swirling a fry through the puddle of ketchup he squirted into the corner. "But I feel kinda wimpy for, like, not being able to handle it without taking a break. Like maybe someone else should have taken this on."
"Your mental health is important," Shatterstar tells him firmly. Julio needs to hear that sometimes, and he will repeat it as often as the situation demands.
"Yeah, well, I left Tabby in charge, so who the fuck knows what I'm even going to come back to."
"I hope you have insurance," Shatterstar replies with just the faintest hint of humour.
It isn't particularly funny, but Julio smiles anyway.
It is marginally better after that. Shatterstar falls asleep again without meaning to and grumbles at himself when he wakes up. Perhaps it is the silence. The car only has a radio, and for whatever reason, neither of them has touched it yet. Without asking, Shatterstar starts playing around with the buttons, looking for something to listen to. He eventually finds a rock station that is only slightly staticky.
Julio smirks. "I was wondering how long you'd last."
"I refuse to nap for a fourth time," Shatterstar replies. It comes out more like a declaration than he wants.
"If your body needs it, dude, you should just let it happen. You were in rough shape. And it's not like I'm letting you behind the wheel or anything. Even if you were feeling okay, you're still a shitty driver."
"I'm confident," Shatterstar insists, falling into the old argument easily. He tries not to smile.
"You're aggressive as fuck and think the rules don't apply to you," Julio replies, his own grin toying at his lips. Shatterstar prefers being the passenger seat anyway. "Besides, I need to get this car back in one piece. I still can't believe they fucking gave me their car, for however long I needed it. Who does that?"
"I would loan you anything you asked for," Shatterstar tells him.
"Yeah, well, that's different," Julio replies, and for whatever reason, the conversation ends there.
As he hoped, the music – and Julio's accompanying performance – keeps him awake. The first time Shatterstar had witnessed Julio's in-car-only singing, it had startled him. They had barely been friends at the time, more like reluctant acquaintances. Until then, he had only understood Julio as someone whose anger felt intimately familiar. After that, he began to notice all of Julio's intriguing quirks.
He still notices them. Everything Julio does, Shatterstar notices and takes note. All these small things reveal the bigger man behind them, the one who feels deeply and powerfully, the one who loved him. Who hopefully still loves him. Shatterstar's feelings haven't changed, but he's not sure if Julio's have.
That Julio reached out through multi-dimensional space to pull him home doesn't have to mean anything.
Those first days back are fuzzy, like a dream, but he remembers Julio cradling him on the ground, holding him. He'd assumed – wrongly – that it meant that the past few months could easily be undone. Shatterstar had been confused and mistakes on both sides had been made. But then Julio had never stayed.
He yearns for Julio even though he is right there, sitting next to him, but he yearns for him nonetheless.
They've been on the road, with breaks, for six hours before Julio pulls into a motel with a blinking Vacancy sign alongside the promise of flat-screen televisions and air-conditioning in every room. He doesn't say anything as he gets out of the car and walks into the reception area. Through the window, Shatterstar watches as Julio marches up to the front desk and starts talking to the person working there.
Shatterstar steps outside and stretches his stiff muscles. Sweat immediately prickles on his skin.
"We're in luck," Julio says, coming back to the car. He sticks the key into the trunk, opening it then reaching it to grab their bags. Shatterstar moves to pick up his own, but Julio waves him away, annoyed. "Nobody else wants to stay in this shit hole, so they had plenty of rooms available."
Shatterstar nods and expects Julio to tell him that means he got them two, but that isn't the case.
There are two beds but only one room, and that is more than Shatterstar expected. Julio drops their bags in a pile by the door then flops onto one of the beds on his back. His shirt rides up in front, and Shatterstar remembers kissing that belly, taking his time, making Julio squirm with ticklish pleasure.
"We didn't have to stop," Shatterstar hears himself say.
"I told you I don't care how long this takes," Julio replies, vaguely aggrieved, arm thrown over his eyes.
This is excruciating, Shatterstar decides right then, definitely the worst road trip he has ever been on.
Their time in Mexico had started off awkwardly too, which is a fact that he clings to. They still hadn't admitted their interest in each other, and Julio had been angry about everything – Cable's mere existence, the sudden dissolution of X-Force, the state of his family. Shatterstar had been angry about just one thing.
That Julio had left when he needed him most and then had tried to leave again. It had pissed him off.
But, with time, they had worked out their feelings. Eventually, painfully, but they had done it, together.
It feels worse now because he is supposed to have grown as a person from that experience.
Over time, he has learned patience... or tried to learn it anyway. He isn't a particularly patient man, not when the solution is so obvious, but the words are difficult to say, the conversation so hard to have. It's easier to lie in bed and watch movies on the television screen, which is as flat as the signs promised.
Julio has always been particularly hard to read. It's worse now, when Shatterstar's just so tired.
"It's going to rain," Julio says abruptly, sitting up and scrubbing a hand through his spiky hair.
Shatterstar glances out the window. The sky is clear and bright, not a cloud to be seen for miles, but Julio feels the earth in a way Shatterstar never will. If he says it is going to rain, it is going to rain.
"I'm gonna run out and grab dinner. Do you want anything?"
"Surprise me," Shatterstar says for the second time that day.
"One of these days you're going to hate whatever I get for you," Julio warns, but he leaves without making Shatterstar admit what he really wants. It isn't food. Shatterstar suspects they both know that.
By the time Julio returns, it's pouring rain. Despite his accurate weather prediction, Julio had clearly chosen to walk, and he's dripping wet when he comes back to the motel room. Shatterstar suspects he just wanted to go for a walk but did not want to make Shatterstar feel like he was obliged to join him.
"I got wings," Julio announces, dropping a bag on the table by the door. He crouches down by his suitcase and fishes out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He goes into the bathroom to change, the door shutting loudly behind him. Shatterstar gets up slowly and tries not to take anything personally.
The wings are plain, with several containers of dipping sauces that smell like death when Shatterstar sniffs tentatively at them. While he is surveying the condiments, Julio comes out of the bathroom, scrubbing his hair with a towel. The t-shirt is a punk band Julio likes. The shorts are Shatterstar's.
Despite being exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open for the last hour of the movie, when it comes time to finally sleep, Shatterstar finds that he can't. He stares at the ceiling, listening to the rain. Beside him, in the other bed, Julio shifts restlessly. Eventually, he gets up and goes into the bathroom.
If today is any indication, it will take them over three days to make a fourteen-hour journey. He is definitely slowing them down. In his head, he maps all the possible routes they could take, looking for efficiencies. Before he learned how to teleport, he had memorized a ridiculous amount of maps. Not always intentionally, but his brain absorbs information whether he wants it or not. He had thought he and Julio would be together forever, and he would always be there when needed, in the passenger seat.
Shatterstar hates being wrong, and the idea that he might be wrong about this one thing is unbearable.
The bathroom light clicks off, and Julio comes back into the room. Shatterstar holds his breath as Julio walks by him, then stops and backtracks. Please, Shatterstar thinks desperately. He wants to laugh with Julio again, to love him again, to know that whatever mistake he makes, Julio is there to help him up.
"Okay, I can't take this awkwardness for another fucking day. This isn't right. So just tell me straight up, dude... do you want to end this? End us?" Julio asks from the dark, standing at the foot of his bed.
"No," Shatterstar says, without hesitation. He sits up. "No, I never wanted that, Julio. I am so sorry."
Julio climbs onto the bed, straight into Shatterstar's arms. They cling to each other, tight and desperate. Julio is warm and smells like rainwater, and Shatterstar presses his face into the crook of his neck. "I'm worried that we're bad for each other," Julio whispers into his ear, "that we'll never figure this shit out."
"Me too," Shatterstar admits. "But the alternative is worse. Not loving you would be terrible."
Julio laughs wetly, pressing a kiss to Shatterstar's jaw. "Not loving you would be the worst," he agrees. "It was the worst. I was so bad at it. Even worse than you and your creeping around outside my club. Do you know how many times I had to stop someone from calling the cops? Like, sixteen, dude. Star," he says, quickly correcting himself.
"Star," Shatterstar repeats. Other than that one time, after Julio reached for him, Julio has called him nothing but dude. It felt marginally more like him than Ben had, but Star has always felt perfect coming from Julio. "I want you to move back home. I want us to go to couple's therapy. I want us to both be happy, Julio."
Julio nods against him, sagging a little in his arms. "Okay, yeah, all of that, good."
"Good," Shatterstar says, guiding them down to the bed, and holds him until they both fall asleep.
The next morning, Julio is still there, pressed up against him, warm and wonderful. They hadn't kissed last night, but when Julio's eyes open and smile at him, it's the easiest thing in the world to press his mouth to Julio's. His hands slide under the hem of Julio's t-shirt, against bare skin, urging him closer.
When the kisses turn to something else, Shatterstar lets the frantic feeling take him. He's missed Julio in all sorts of ways, and this is one of them, the raw physical pleasure of holding him and kissing him, of feeling Julio's desire and responding with his own. He's so caught up in the feeling that when he comes, both of them are still fully clothed. Suddenly desperate to see Julio ruin his borrowed shorts, Shatterstar keeps Julio close and guides him through his own release, whispering dirty things in his ear.
They kiss on the bed for a long time after, laughing and smiling, ejaculate drying stickily on their skin.
It's wonderful.
Eventually, they move to the bathroom. They shower together, washing each other's hair with soap that smells like coconut and pineapple. They used to do this in Mexico, when they both had more hair, but their knowledge of each other hadn't been so intimate yet, so thorough. Shatterstar likes it better now.
Once clean, Julio sits on the counter, and Shatterstar shaves him. Julio watches his face as Shatterstar works. He keeps his hands on Shatterstar's waist. Neither of them had been able to grow impressive facial hair back then, though Shatterstar had once successfully grown a goatee after months of dedication, so this is a newer pleasure, one discovered when they had worked for X-Factor. There had been times when Shatterstar had thought these moments were the only thing keeping them together.
They have worked so hard to get to this point. They have so much more work left to do.
They check out and have breakfast at a local diner, where the server compliments them on the bright blue colour of their car. Shatterstar dozes off and on, but for the rest of the time, they talk. They talk about their past and their future, all the things that led them here and all the places they want to go. Shatterstar reads out loud an email from Tabitha, assuring Julio that his life's work is still standing. He receives a similar update from Neena, who easily found the key and chastises him for his carelessness.
Together, they plan a block party for the residents of Manor Crossing. They all probably need it.
Julio sings his heart out whenever the spirit moves him, which is often.
They phone Michael and Jill, apologizing profusely for how long they've had their car, but they are easily forgiven. There are still good people in this world and their next-door neighbours are definitely two of them. While the weather is unseasonably hot, there is a breeze waiting for them at their cottage.
With all the time in the world, they take detours to visit the World's Largest Picnic Table in Olive, the World's Largest Lug Nut in Lansing and the World's Largest Cherry Pie Pan in Traverse City. All are impressively enormous. They take pictures, and they kiss a lot, and they sleep in more questionable motels.
They fuck once in the car, parked down a long-forgotten gravel road because they just can't wait.
"We're gonna have to buy this car from them," Julio says after, scrubbing at a noticeable wet spot.
"They have been married for forty years," Shatterstar replies, watching him with fondness.
"That doesn't mean they would want two dudes they've known for six months fucking in it."
"They would understand."
"Sorry, Star, this thing is ours now. Those are the rules," Julio insists, but he's laughing when he says it.
Shatterstar steps up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist. Julio leans into the embrace, and Shatterstar kisses him behind the ear, in that spot that always makes him shiver. Julio sighs as he does. They stand there for a long time, swaying, the midday sun beating down upon them. They'll get to where they're going eventually, but he's in no rush. With Julio at his side, nothing else really matters.