Work Text:
March 31st - 10 am
I remember holding your hand as we sat in the office with cream colored walls and the fruit painting that you thought was tacky. You were probably right, I don't know, I'm not much of a 'tacky vs fashionable' kinda guy. I'm the guy that wears plaid over shirts, faded denim jeans with holes in the knees, and heavy work boots every day. You were aways the cardigan, fit-your-ass-so-fucking-good jeans, and sensible shoes kind of guy.
I loved that about you.
But I remember us sitting in that office, waiting on the test results, and you were nervous. I told you that it would be fine, and you were just feeling a bit under the weather, and the doctors were just being cautious. That's all. Nothing was wrong with you. Nothing at all.
March 31st - 10 pm
We made love that night, both of us in tears. How could you have cancer? You were so strong, and so healthy... how could this silent disease infiltrate your body and make you ill? How could we not have known? But we make love and it's the best we've ever had, I promise you. I also promise you that I'm going to take care of you. Until death do us part, remember?
You just cry harder.
April 11th - 8 am
You go for your first round of chemo, and I want to stay, hold your hand, but they won't let me, and you won't either. You tell me that you have to do it on your own, and I let you, because that's just how you are. Strong and brave. Stoic, even. So I leave you there, feeling helpless, maybe even a bit hopeless. But I love you all the same, and I remember how when I picked you up, you threw up the whole way back to the house. And I didn't even care because for once Baby, while still my love affair (that would have never had to compete with, I swear), was not as important to me as you.
I took you home, and you spent the majority of the afternoon in the bathroom, and even the thought of food made you nauseous. You told me that you couldn't do it again, that you didn't have the strength. But I know you, and I know if anyone can kick cancer's ass, it'd be you. So, I gathered you up, and put you on the bed, and handed you Noodles - your cat that I've kind of grown to love too - and bless his heart, he purred the rest of the night.
May 25th - 9 pm
You call me to the bedroom and you're shaking when I find you. I'm confused, you're upset, and I don't know why. I ask you what is wrong and you hold out your hand, and in your palm is a clump of dark hair. There are tears in your eyes when you look at me and I realize that you're losing your hair. It's coming out now, and you hate that.
You hate it so much that you scream and knock the table lamp off of the nightstand. You throw your medicine across the room; the sound of a thousand pills scatter along every surface of our bedroom. I watch you, broken and lost, crouch down onto the floor and sob. You tell me that it isn't fair, that you didn't ask for this.
I tell you that no one does, Baby, no one asks for this.
And you just glare at me because how could I understand? And I ask myself that question every day because I can't understand, but I wish I could. With every fiber of my being, I wish I could take on your sickness and make it mine. Wear your pain like a second skin. I want to fight your war and bear your cross. But I can't do those things, and your anger is making me feel weak.
My Mother used to tell me 'Never go to bed angry Dean', but we did that night.
June 14th - 1 pm
I take you camping because you really love being outside, and you miss feeling normal, so we go out, and for once, we forget about your cancer. We forget that you have to go to chemo soon, and we forget about all of the pills (except not really, they're all stored in that bag you carry around) you have to take, and we decide to just have a good time. Like a normal couple.
I'm ahead of you because I'm not as winded as you are by the time we get to the lake, and when I turn around to look at you, you're practically falling over. You tell me that you can do it, as I go back to you, that you don't need my help, but you're exhausted. You've lost so much weight, how could I not have noticed? Or maybe I had, and I just pushed it out of my mind. I always did have a problem with being in denial when reality was just too hard to swallow.
You insist we finish this trip because we came out here to have a good time. But we both know that you won't make it the whole weekend, so when you've rested, we go home instead. You lock yourself in our room, and you don't come out. I eat alone that night.
July 4th - 8 pm
I love fireworks, and Sam is here with his fiancé, Jessica Moore, so we can all go out together to watch them light up the sky. You don't want to go because you're too tired. You've lost most of your hair now, and you don't want to go out in public. I stare at your frail frame, which has become mostly skin taut over bones, and I wonder where my husband has gone. I miss him.
We go see the fireworks without you but I take pictures so you can see them later. You tell me that it's not the same.
July 10th - 7 am
I check you into the hospital because you are so ill. The doctors tell me that you don't have long to live. I bite back my tears, and I give you my strong face, becuse you can fight this. If anyone can, it's you.
- 10 am
You keep coughing up blood, I don't know what to do.
- 1 pm
The cancer has moved to your brain. They tell me that you will die. Soon. But no one knows when, that's up to you.
- 11 pm
I cry myself to sleep.
July 28th - 5 pm
I ask you to please stay. I need you. I need you more now than I've ever needed you before. Don't leave me now. That's what I ask you.
July 31st - 4 am
Three months after you are diagnosed I hold your hand and I give you one more kiss before you close your eyes. I tell you good bye. You smile, though it is weak, and you whisper that you love me. And that you're sorry but you have to go now.
I want to ask you to stay but I know you can't, so I shut my eyes and fall asleep with you.
August 3rd - Noon
We bury you in your family plot. You're the first to go, and none of us can figure out why. I am silent and pale throughout the entire funeral, because I know if I open my mouth I'll scream.
I will scream as loud as I can because how dare the world rip you away from me. I cannot be whole without you, and I don't want to be. I know you would tell me that I have to move on, but I don't want to Cas. I don't want to.
September
October
November
Decemeber 25th - 8 am
Christmas isn't the same. There is no music, no gifts, no decorations. I stay inside. I don't leave the house.
Why didn't you stay?
Why couldn't you have fought harder? I'm angry with you Cas, I'm angry that you didn't stay for me. I needed you. I don't need people, but I needed you and you left. I've barely gone out, but that night I do go out. I go and I drink myself into a stupor so dark and so bad that I almost hit a woman and her kids.
When I wake up in the hospital, I realize that I could have taken someone's life, and I feel stupid. I also know that you're probably rolling over in your grave, and I promise you I'll be better. For you. I'll be better.
January 12th - 1 pm
It's our anniversary. We got married today; five years ago, we got married.
I go to our favorite diner in town, and I order your favorite meal, and I eat it alone. I order two slices of pie, one for me and one for you. I eat myself sick, but it's worth it.
You'd probably laugh at me. It's okay, I did too.
February 14th - 5 pm
I watch your favorite romcom, even though I always told you hated it.
I don't hate chick flicks, Cas. I never did. Sorry I'm a liar.
I love you though. Happy Valentine's Day. I bought a box of chocolate and a dozen roses for you and put them on your headstone.
Okay I didn't put the chocolates there, I ate those, but the roses I put there. They look beautiful against the snow. I miss you.
March 31st - One Year Later
I can't believe it's been a year since your diagnoses. I can't believe you've been gone since July.
I know you would have stayed if you could have Cas. I'm not angry with you.
I am going to try to move on, because I know you would have wanted me to. I'm selling our house because there are too many memories here. I hope you can forgive me.... Noodles misses you too but he's been here for me and I know you left a piece of yourself with him.
Thank you.
I love you.
