Chapter Text
It was the first day of the school year and Steve was torn between being utterly devastated, and completely relieved. Sarah was growing up, and Steve was just not ready for that. On the other hand, thank fuck school holidays were over. It had been great to have Sarah home but Steve was exhausted thanks to endless entertaining, even with summer camp and her spending a few weeks with Peggy. How did such tiny things have so much energy? And the questions… the questions never stopped.
“Okay, c’mon, don’t want to be late on your first day of school,” he said, hurrying her along.
“But I don’t wanna, Dad… I wanna go back to bed…” Sarah huffed, head on the kitchen table, rolling her face over and over on it in protest.
“You and me both, kid.” Steve moved around the kitchen quickly in an attempt to put together his lunch, trying to stuff breakfast in his mouth while he worked. One day he'd get his shit together and prepare it the day before, but it certainly wasn't this day. “But you wanna be a grownup; you gotta keep grownup hours.” Over the summer, Sarah decided she was a grownup, given that she'd be ten soon, and Steve had been abusing that notion ever since. Her room had never been tidier, and she'd never regretted wishing to be a grownup more.
"Ughhhh," she sighed, pushing off the table.
"C'mon, go get your uniform on."
"Ughhhh," she repeated, stomping off to her bedroom.
Steve rolled his eyes and finished making his lunch, eyeing the clock on the wall. So far they were on time, and his coffee was only lukewarm. But he still had to shower and get dressed.
By some miracle, they were actually on time, even accounting for the first day of schools traffic. The blessing of living in a smaller town, rather than say, New York, where he'd grown up. He prepared for the worst though, and hadn't scheduled any meetings until 10am, just in case something went wrong, or Sarah had a sudden change of heart and after four years decided she needed him to walk her to her classroom.
"Now, don’t forget you have Enrichment this afternoon, and I'll pick you up after, okay?" Steve said, almost to remind himself as they drove into the parking lot.
Most mornings, Steve could get away with a kiss-and-ride drop off, but the first day of school was always important. And that meant… mothers. He had to deal with thirsty, flirty mothers. He didn’t always mind the attention, even if it did occasionally make him uncomfortable. Weren’t most of them married ?
In the backseat, Sarah rolled her eyes, having all the knowledge of a 30 year old. She had to get that from her mother. "Yeah, yeah, I know."
He wasn't sure why he'd let her sign up for debating; he was a lawyer and she could out-argue him any day but he wasn't a pushover. Really, he wasn't! (Okay, maybe a little.)
When he pulled into the parking lot, he could already see the dreaded Cool Moms hanging around their cars, laughing and talking. And they were near the only other parking space available. Great. He had half-hoped to park on the other end of the parking lot, and that he'd be able to get away with just smiling and waving before fleeing.
Gritting his teeth and forcing a grin to his face, he pulled in easily before letting Sarah out.
"Please try not to ruin your MacBook," he said, knowing he sounded like a nag and not caring. Since when did kids in elementary school need computers? He made it through school just fine without a computer, but they were compulsory in the final year of elementary school now, apparently. "I won't buy you a new one if you do."
Sarah rolled her eyes, tugging her backpack on and adjusting her jumper. "Yeah, yeah." That was the phrase she'd picked up over the summer, it seemed.
"Good. I love you. Hug? Or is that uncool now?" Steve was only half-teasing. Shit, she was growing up so fast, and every day he saw signs of the teenager she was going to be. He was doomed.
Sarah huffed, brown eyes rolling again (and yeah, he was going to have to put a stop to that soon, but that could wait for another day), and then gave him a surprisingly tight hug. Steve tried not to think about how those hugs were going to be limited as the next few years went by, and just enjoyed the moment for what it was.
"Hey Steve," Tina called across the few cars between them. "How was your summer?" Her tone was just as cloying as ever.
"It was wonderful, Tina. How was yours?" Steve responded warmly, even if it grated on him. The last thing he needed to do was put the bitch brigade on the offensive and have their children bully Sarah in retaliation or something.
"Good. We missed you at the last PFA barbecue."
"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. It’s just been hectic with work, and I was down in New York for a few weeks while Sarah was with Peggy. You know how it is," he said, going around the back of his car, pretending to look for something so he didn't have to engage with all of them.
"Sounds terrible. You should come over for dinner one night," another mom, Deborah, called, twirling her blonde hair around manicured fingers. “I’m sure Paris would love to play with Sarah.”
He was about to walk Sarah across the lot when a sleek black 2018 Camaro ZL1 pulled in. Steve's jaw almost dropped; he loved Camaros. A space had cleared almost opposite Steve's SUV and the car spun into it easily, handling so smoothly Steve wanted to plaster his body to it. He loved that car.
Either there was a new kid (plausible given it was the start of a new year, but unlikely given how rarely spaces opened at the school; the youngest grades weren't meant to start until tomorrow), or another parent was having a mid-life crisis. He couldn't see through the heavily tinted (were those legal? He didn’t think those were legal) windows to confirm his suspicions. Christ, he hoped it wasn't one of the thirsty moms. Speaking of, they were all watching in interest with more open awe than Steve was showing. One of them was clutching her pearls. Literally. Yeah, Camaros were not common in this part of the world.
The engine died down on the car and a man around his age stepped out. Yep, that had to be a new parent, or an older brother or something. The guy looked to be Steve’s height, and not quite as broad. His dark hair hung around his face, clean but… god, Steve hadn’t seen someone with long hair since he was in college. He was wearing long sleeves even in the warm weather, but who was Steve to judge? He was in a suit himself, although his suit jacket was hung neatly over the passenger seat. Something about the way he was dressed struck Steve as unusual, but he couldn’t put his finger on why.
The other door opened and a girl about Sarah's age emerged, her dark brown hair pulled into tight braids. Steve didn't recognise her either.
Steve had to stop himself staring, trying hard not to be like the gawking mothers (Deborah had clutched her pearls too; it was probably the guy’s long hair). Steve was only staring because of his car, honestly! And okay, new families were rare at Gracemere. And he looked so different to everyone else there. They were Prep School Mom Personified, really, all pearls and pastels and neat hair and those soft pink nails with the white tips that Peggy had hated.
This guy had a dark sports car, and had longish hair, and artful stubble, and wore dark clothes even in late summer.
The guy didn't even look at them, keeping his head down but his shoulders back as he crossed the little girl over the lot and to the safety of the other side. The little brunette spun and faced him, and he knelt down so that he was almost her height. He spoke to her softly, expression hidden by his hair still. Finally the little girl nodded, squaring her shoulders and jutting her chin out stubbornly, putting on a brave face if Steve had ever seen one. Then, she spun on the heel of her Mary-Janes and walked off from the man into the front of the school. The man stood up slowly, also squaring his own shoulders. He watched her intently, in the same way Steve was watching the man. Only once she'd nodded sharply at him, giving him a tight grin and a wave, disappearing into the building, did he leave his spot and walk back to his car.
Only now the man seemed to notice he was being watched, and Steve finally managed to get a glimpse of more than just stubble and pale skin. Holy jawline and cheekbones, and wow, his eyes were even lighter than Steve's, something he didn't come across often. He was young, but not quite as young as he'd first seemed. Maybe early thirties, a few years younger than Steve. Yeah, Steve wanted to climb that. He moved slowly and gracefully, eyes narrowing as his eyes slid across the stunned silent mothers, and Steve. They settled a little longer on Steve, but flicked away quickly.
He paused as he reached the Camaro.
Steve gave the guy a big grin, probably over the top, and waved. "Welcome to Gracemere," Steve said, hoping he wasn't being too loud for the short distance. The guy just stared for a moment longer, nodded, and got back into his car before driving off quickly.
Wow. Nice guy.
*
This was a big week for Laura, but she was taking it like the little champion she was. She'd handled all of this like a champion, if Bucky was honest. But he'd expect nothing less from her.
He couldn't believe she was real, and that she was his. It had actually been relatively simple, and he'd had that amazing lawyer of Tony's, and CPS had weirdly enough wanted her back with him. Bucky wasn't sure he trusted himself with her, but CPS did, and his lawyers did, and that was good enough, right? Once he'd been cleared from the hospital, and all the psych evals, and the medical evals, and got his arm… Okay, so it had taken about six months for him to get cleared and get her back, but still. He'd gotten her back.
Given everything, she’d adjusted so well. She had barely known him yet she accepted him so easily, loved him so purely and simply. He expected behavioural problems and lashing out, and hey, maybe it would come in time, but the three months Bucky had had her had been a dream. Maybe it was because she'd been deprived of love for so long that she latched so firmly onto him. Maybe she could tell how badly he needed her. Maybe she had known he'd never really leave her, and was just so relieved he'd come back for her. Whatever the reason, she loved him and it made everything worth it.
Bucky was trying as hard as he possibly could to be strong, and hold it together. Were it not for Laura, he wouldn't be surprised if he didn't get out of bed some days. Some days the temptation to lie in bed all day and wallow in everything he'd lost, everything that happened, overwhelmed him. Then he'd hear Laura clattering around in the kitchen or singing to herself, and he'd find a way to peel himself out of the safety of his blankets and plaster a grin to his exhausted face.
Ballet was just one of the many ways he was trying to make it all up to her. He'd only met her a few times in her life, and had been entirely absent for eight years, and now he was more than trying to make up for it. He wanted her life to be good, particularly after she lost her mother and almost lost him. Bucky could relate; he'd been on his own since he was sixteen years old, in and out of foster care until he turned eighteen and joined the army.
He knew what it felt like to be alone and he didn't want that for her. He wanted her to have everything.
So when they'd moved out to Connecticut and she'd asked if she could start ballet again, Bucky had been delighted. Her mother had loved ballet too, and seeing her dance made the weird empty space in his chest swell and fill with pride and joy. He enrolled her in private classes at the local ballet academy over the summer. Her mother had started her in classes as a toddler, but for the two years she'd been in foster care, she'd only practiced in her room with videos on YouTube.
Her new instructor, Natasha, had been impressed, and thanks to the private lessons throughout the summer, she felt confident in moving Laura to her age group once the semester started. Natasha even suggested that she'd be ready to start pointe training by Christmas, and Laura had been doing her exercises endlessly in the hopes of making that a reality.
Two first days in a row. Bucky was pretty sure he was more nervous than Laura. Laura had handled her first day at Gracemere easily, even if she thought her classmates were stupid. She’d handle ballet class just fine.
The ballet studio was just a few blocks away, so following her after school snack, they meandered down to it, Bucky carrying her bag for her. Laura span as she walked, literally spinning circles around him, and dancing as she went.
"So there's this girl in my class… Sarah, " she hissed, rolling her eyes dramatically. "And she's just… ugh, so ugh."
Bucky nodded, as if he understood. "Yeah, totally." He thought that was the lingo. Was that still the lingo? Thank fuck Laura didn't seem to care if he was up on those kinds of things.
"She's just super annoying, and has all the answers and thinks she's right about everything," Laura continued, not even breathless or dizzy from all her spinning. She was doing to wear herself out before class was done. At least she’d sleep soundly.
"Is she right about everything?"
Laura pulled a face. "Mostly. It's the worst, Papa."
Bucky allowed himself a small smile. "You could try answering before her?"
She pulled a bigger face, her little face scrunching up. "Ew, no. Papa, that's for nerds . And know-it-alls. "
"Oh, my mistake. Definitely be quiet then; that'll show Sarah."
"Papa!" Laura huffed, as if that explained everything. "Don't be silly. I'm just gonna beat her in everything and then she'll know she's not the best. I didn't get that fancy scholarship for nothing." She added with a wink and poking her tongue at him.
Bucky snorted. Yep, definitely his kid, even if he hadn't raised her. Laura twirled under his metal arm and promptly stopped upon arriving at the studio. He passed her bag over and she went off to the locker rooms to get changed. She'd probably do her stretches in there too, and hopefully make some friends? God, he hoped she made some friends. With everything that had happened,she needed something normal in her life.
There was a small cafe right beside the studio that he occasionally went to when she was having her lessons, and he grabbed a decaf to go while he waited. Natasha told him that during the first week that parents were invited to watch, and he was excited at the prospect. He'd seen a few of her lessons, but he'd been trying to give her space to do her own thing.
The girl at the counter was nice, with red hair and heavy eyeliner. She was quiet, with a thick accent, but she gave off a non-terrifying feeling. As long as she didn't burn his coffee, he'd be happy.
While he was waiting for his coffee a small group of women older than him entered the cafe, laughing and talking loudly. Oh god. Suddenly the small cafe seemed overcrowded. They were just loud, and put together, and so… pastel . There was pastel everywhere.
Bucky inhaled nervously, tucking both of his hands into his jeans to hide how they suddenly clenched. He tried to unclench them but every time he managed to, they snapped shut again. His heart rate spiked but he tried to view them objectively. They looked familiar, like the women who had been in Gracemere's parking lot the past two days when he'd dropped Laura off. It made sense that their daughters probably went to Laura's ballet studio too.
"Regular decaf?" The barista, Wanda, called, pushing his drink across the counter to him. Bucky had never been so grateful to see decaf in his life. He'd had to start drinking decaf thanks to his anxiety, but honestly, he was just so grateful to have coffee again that he didn't even care how much caffeine in it.
He took the drink gratefully from the girl, and dropped a few dollars into the tip jar. After that, he slipped out of the cafe, hoping that they didn't look at him or try to talk to him or something equally horrible. Outside, he could breathe again. He wanted to pull his phone out to play with while he waited for the studio to open to parents, but he wasn't brave enough just yet. Instead, he kept one hand shoved in his jeans and sucked the coffee through the lid, burning his tongue and barely tasting it. He just needed something to do.
Luckily, the studio opened up before his coffee was even half done, and he darted inside the large room filled with young girls. They all wore the matching wine-red leotards - that he'd had to special order for Laura - and pale pink tights and shoes. Each girls hair was slicked back and tied tightly in a bun that he'd watched Laura practice in the mirror. He thought recognised a few of the girls, maybe, but Bucky's memory wasn't the best anymore, so maybe he didn't.
The hour and a half passed quickly, Bucky sitting in a folding chair in the corner of the enormous room filled with mirrors. The moms from the cafe gossiped and giggled amongst themselves; Bucky tried not to let it annoy him. They were distracting in the same way a lot of noise was these days, and they weren't even paying attention when they should.
Every so often Laura would glance over at him and give him a tiny, shy smile. Fuck, he was so proud of her. She'd overcome so much, and he was just so happy to have her.
When Natasha dismissed class, most of the girls fell into little groups, chattering amongst themselves. Laura, however, ran over to him and swung off his left arm.
"Papa, Papa! Did you see? Did you see me do the pas de chats ?" Her voice was excited, and Bucky was once again so glad he'd been able to watch her lesson.
"I sure did!" Bucky said, letting her hang from his arm. He had no idea what that move was, but he'd watched everything intently; his memory may have been bad, but it wasn't quite that bad yet. He lifted it slightly so that her feet lifted off the ground and she giggled, his shirt slipping along the smooth metal.
"Natasha and I have been working on that for weeks now but I think I got it right! My turn out could still be a little better, but the landing was much more solid."
Bucky nodded as if he had any clue what any of that meant, but she seemed happy to babble at him. They were on their way out of the reception area when they ran into the guy from the day before. Thankfully they didn't literally run into him; he was bulky as fuck and whilst Bucky was growing a decent set of muscles to him thanks to the PT required for his arm, he was still a long way off this guy.
"Oh hey! New dad!" The guy said, smiling a perfect white smile at Bucky. Bucky hated him already. "You're new in town, right?"
"Uh, yeah…" Bucky mumbled, meeting the guys eyes even though every part of him screamed not to. He hadn't survived this long by looking people in the eyes, but he was back in normal society, and it was considered weird and rude to avoid eye contact. The guy’s eyes were tired. And blue (And wow, what a blue they were). But man, that guy needed a nap. He looked exhausted, and his grin forced.
"Great! Name's Steve," he said, wide smile still plastered across his face. He reached a large hand out to shake Bucky's and Bucky cautiously reached forward to meet it. Laura grabbed his metal hand, threading her little fingers through his, and curling around it almost protectively. It soothed something inside him.
"Bucky," he said shortly, and then inwardly cursed himself. Nobody called him that anymore; it had always been reserved for friends and family, but he didn't have any of those these days, except Laura. Tony called him Bucky, but his doctors and lawyers called him James.
"Nice to meet you, Bucky. Welcome to town. And who might you be?" He looked down at Laura.
"Laura," she said, smiling brightly at him. She still wrapped around his forearm, and it reminded him that this place was safe, he was safe, nothing bad was going to happen.
"Lovely to meet you, Laura," Steve said, reaching out to shake her hand too. Laura shook it before promptly wrapping her arms around Bucky's hand again. "My daughter just fin- oh, no, there she is!"
A pretty dark-blonde girl sauntered up to Steve, all but ignoring Bucky and Laura. "Hey Dad. C'mon, let's go. I'm hungry."
"Hi Sarah, lovely to see you too. Yes, my day was wonderful, thank you so much for asking," Steve said, sarcasm heavy in his teasing tone. He looked back up at Bucky with an apologetic look. "Sorry, apparently we're still working on manners here."
Bucky gave him a tight smile. And only a few moments later did it click… Was this the Sarah Laura had been complaining about?
Sarah gave both Bucky and Laura an unimpressed look. When Bucky glanced down he saw Laura squinting at Sarah, mouth a thin line. Yep, definitely that Sarah then. Excellent. He didn't like this Steve guy anyway. There was something so… All-American Beefcake about him, like he'd probably never had to work for anything in his life. He probably bought his perfect house with his trust fund money, had a beautiful wife at home, and had never had to deal with anything worse than his daughter's shitty attitude.
Sure, Steve hadn't done anything wrong yet, but Bucky knew the type. He was like those pastel bitches who gossiped, only he had more muscles.
"Well, nice meeting you, Steve." Bucky tightened his hand in Laura's, careful not to squeeze too tightly.
"You too. And if you need anything around town, let me know! I've lived here a while and can show you all the best things to do."
Bucky stretched his face into what was probably something resembling a grin and walked past.
They'd barely gone a few steps when he heard Sarah say, "What's with the weirdo and his weird hand?"
He didn't get a chance to hear Steve's reply, the door to the studio closing just as she spoke, but he tried not to worry too much. Tried, being the operative word. He hoped Laura hadn't heard that, or if she had, that Sarah wouldn't give her crap at school tomorrow. Maybe Bucky needed a haircut and a shave.
"Don't worry, Papa. I think your arm is awesome, " Laura whispered as they walked.
"Thanks sweetheart," Bucky said. Some of the nervous tension seeped out of him. At least his most important person accepted him, shiny metal and all.
*
Getting a phone call from the school was Steve's worst nightmare. He had most numbers set to 'Do Not Disturb', but Sarah's school would always ring extremely loudly. Steve wasn't insanely overprotective, particularly compared to many of the other parents he encountered, but she was his kid and if the school was calling, it probably wasn't good.
So when he received a call saying that he was required at Gracemere ASAP and that he had to bring her home for the day… well, Steve worried. But he was cool and collected about it; he totally didn't speed the whole way, nor did he almost sweat through his suit. He definitely didn't run through the hallways to the principal's office.
Barbara, the receptionist, smiled at him. Behind the desk, in front of the office, was Sarah with her head down and her arms across her chest. She didn't even look up at him, but he could see that her jumper was torn and her hair was mussed. Beside her, two seats over, was Laura in a similar state. Right.
It was all making sense now.
To say that Sarah was not Laura's biggest fan was an understatement. Laura hadn't actually done anything wrong as far as he could tell, except be better at Sarah in just about everything. Sarah had been top of her class until recently, and just last week he'd heard Sarah complain that Laura was getting to try out pointes or something. Sarah had used some extremely poor language regarding that, and Steve had sent her to her room without her phone or computer in punishment.
Fuck, what had Sarah done?
She'd always been a good kid, but she'd always been the best at things. She hadn't become a bully had she? Steve hated bullies, had been bullied right up until his extremely late growth spurt in sophomore year at university. It was why he did the work that he did.
Steve couldn't help himself and ran a frustrated hand through his pomade-coated hair. Ugh, and now he was frustrated with himself for messing his hair up.
"Hi Steve," Barbara said, giving him a sympathetic look. "Bruce said for you to come in whenever you arrived. Can I get you a coffee?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah, coffee would be great."
"Latte?"
He nodded, squared his shoulders and ducked past the reception desk to enter Bruce's office.
Bruce was a great principal, if not someone you wouldn't expect. He was so… calm. Demure. Quiet. He was peaceful and not at all the stern kind of person Steve expected a principal to be. But he got the job done, and the students loved him. Some of the parents didn't enjoy some of his methods (such as teaching children meditation) but Steve was a fan.
Bucky was already in Bruce's office and he glared icily at Steve when he entered.
Yeah, things there hadn't improved either. He didn't understand why this guy hated him so much. Steve tried to be nice, but Bucky mostly just glared at him when they interacted. It wasn't something Steve was used to, particularly in this town. And it wasn't fair because he seemed the kind of person Steve wanted to invite out for drinks, and maybe back home. It was hard to meet people, you know? And his car… Damn.
"Oh god, what did she do?" It was the first thing out of Steve's mouth, and he knew his mistake as soon as he said it. Goddamn, he had such great control in meetings and the occasional courtroom, but here he slipped up because of a cute guy, or his daughter, or some mix of the two.
Bucky's glare intensified. "Why do you think she did anything? What has she been saying?"
Steve instantly felt on the defensive, caught off-guard by the waves of vitriol emanating from the guy. "She hasn't said anything , but there's two beat-up girls out there so I'm guessing Laura is hardly innocent in all of this either."
"Gentlemen." Bruce cut the fight off before it can gain any ground. Steve always liked that about him, but right then adrenaline and frustration started to surge and he didn’t like being stopped just as he was getting started. "I didn't bring you two here to fight either."
Steve exhaled heavily and let some of the tension drop out of his shoulders. He saw from the corner of his eye Bucky adjust in his chair but he looked no less tense. Steve took the seat beside him, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he did.
"Unfortunately I've had to call you in under circumstances I don't really enjoy," Bruce said, stirring his tea absently. "Both of your daughters got caught up in a fight today and broke Jackson's nose."
From his peripheral vision Steve saw Bucky's head plunk into his hand and shake. Steve's jaw dropped a little.
"Wait, they weren't fighting each other?"
"No? Should they have been?" Bruce asked mildly.
"Um, no." Wow Steve, solid work there. That law degree was really paying off right now.
"No, it seems Jackson made some rather unkind comments about mothers while picking on a younger student and they leapt to the students defence."
"So… not each other?" Steve asked again, because he was having trouble believing that. He had no issues believing that Sarah might punch someone for picking on a younger student; she was his daughter, after all. But he'd thought for sure that Laura and her were going to have it out at some point.
"No, although I am mildly concerned that you both seem to have assumed that. Is there something I should know?"
Bucky shrugged. "Seems Sarah doesn't like that Laura's smarter than her."
Steve wanted to argue, wanted to fight back, but that was the truth. He nodded in agreement, folding his arms across his chest and pulling a small face.
Bruce sipped his tea and looked up at them over his teacup. "Well, that surprises me because they were both defending each other when I had them in here earlier."
"Really?" Bucky asked, tone a little incredulous.
Bruce just nodded. "They were technically in the right, and had they not resorted to physical violence… It seemed a few children got involved through the course of the brawl." He sighed. "Unfortunately, physical violence is not appropriate at Gracemere and I have to give them both a three-day suspension."
Steve sighed. Great, he'd have to see if he could work from home for the next few days, or see if he could find a babysitter.
"This won't affect Laura's scholarship will it?" Bucky asked with more strength to his voice than Steve had heard thus far.
"No, no. It will go on her record, but as long as she keeps performing as she is, she'll maintain her scholarship up to her senior year. Assuming she wants to stay here, of course."
Bucky nodded. "Do you need me for anything else?"
Bruce shook his head. "Just sign her out at reception and we'll see her Monday."
"Sorry for the inconvenience." Bucky nodded once at Steve and then left the office.
"Seriously, what is that guy’s problem?!" Steve huffed, sinking further into his seat and letting himself slouch a little.
Bruce raised his eyebrows. "We're very lucky to have his daughter here. She's incredibly talented."
"So I've heard. But that doesn't explain him."
The tiniest crease appeared between Bruce's eyebrows. "James has been through a lot," he said, demure and sparking something in Steve that he didn't like. Damn it, if Bruce thought good things about the guy, then it probably held some weight.
Steve sighed.
*
It was absolutely unethical. He wouldn't lose his job, and it wasn't illegal. But unethical? Fucking yes.
Steve didn't care.
He kept looking over at the door, worried that someone, like his boss, was going to bust in and catch him in the act.
Be chill, Steve. Chill. He did this all the time. He looked people up all the time . It was part of his job . His very legal, and ethical job.
But this wasn't for his job. This was him being nosy.
He shook himself. It was fine. People did this all the time. He wasn't going to do anything with this information. But what had Bruce meant? After getting his credentials wrong three times, he finally managed to log into the program they used to check out the everything about everyone. Most of the information was largely public information, with a few added bonuses that… weren't entirely public.
When searching Bucky Barnes came up blank, he wondered if that was the universe trying to give him a sign not to go digging where it wasn't his business.
But then he remembered that Natasha called Bucky 'James', as had Bruce yesterday.
Geeze. Okay, that had some results. Like, four and a half goddamn thousand… He added a few filters, narrowing it down a little more. On a whim, he added the initial B to the middle name. Even narrower, and with that, he was able to find the right record.
James Buchanan Barnes. 31 year old male. Born in Brooklyn, NY.
Oh hey, another Brooklyn boy! He wondered how he'd never known Bucky growing up; Steve was only a few years older than him, and Brooklyn wasn't that big. (It was that big.)
Parents, both deceased… quite a while ago. When he did the math, he winced. Bucky had only fifteen, sixteen at most when both parents had died. He did some other searches, and came up short.
Steve searched some more, poring over article after article. Most of them lacked the name of one Sergeant James Barnes, but they were all connected once he knew what to look for.
Long Serving POW Rescued By Stark
Steve felt like the air had been punched from his chest.
He'd read about this years ago, and again last year. He hadn't been heavily invested, but he'd definitely read a number of articles about it. Tony Stark had been the one to negotiate his release apparently, something relatively odd given Tony Stark had never really been involved with these kinds of things. The papers had glossed over a lot of the details which had struck Steve as even stranger given the media's love of sharing details far too intimate. The fact that they left them out spoke volumes to him.
But then life had taken over and his interest in the story had dropped down to simply reading things as they appeared in the paper.
He had to swallow several times and remind himself to breathe.
"Jesus…" Steve said finally, not sure what else to say. More so, he didn't know what else to do.
*
Bucky had been hoping that after their scuffle, it would be the end of the Sarah vs Laura rivalry.
It became much, much worse. They became friends.
He knew Laura had told him but his memory was like Swiss cheese these days, but the fight had been something about mothers, and even though Sarah's mom was still alive she only saw her a few weeks a year and even when they saw each other she wasn't very fun. So there was some weird… bonding thing… about them not having moms, and their mutual hatred of Jackson, and bullies and…
Suddenly Laura was asking for Sarah to hang out with them before ballet most afternoons. Steve usually worked, and Sarah flitted between friends, and apparently Laura was one of them now.
Yeah. It was weird . Bucky had never really understood women all that well, and having a daughter had just made him realise how little he knew.
Girls were weird.
What was weirder was seeing Steve so much more often. Sometimes he was a little late to pick her up from class and Bucky didn't like to just leave her standing there. Sure, there was the teacher but… Sarah and Laura got along. And sure, Bucky thought she was a little obnoxious at times but she wasn't all bad.
They were waiting for Steve to arrive at the ballet studio, and Wanda had had hot chocolates ready for them (with almond milk; apparently Sarah had an allergy to milk, which meant Laura had an allergy to milk now, Jesus...) as it was getting cold. Bucky decidedly liked Wanda, mostly because she didn't say much, didn't ask him questions, and always got his order right. She seemed to like the girls as well.
"Hi," Steve exhaled in a rush as he got out of his SUV. "Sorry I'm late. Again. " He'd been late every day that week, but not by much. Bucky didn't mind; dinner was ready at home and the girls seemed happy to talk amongst themselves while Bucky tried to read.
Finally, Bucky dragged his head out of his book, blinking at it a few times. Steve looked stressed; his hair was mussed, like he'd run his hands through it a number of times. It looked good and for a moment Bucky wondered how it would feel to run his through them too.
He frowned to himself. He wasn't meant to think those things. Intrusive thoughts again. Except it was a positive thought, and intrusive thoughts were decidedly not.
No, no, this was good. It meant good things for his recovery that that had even occurred to him. Steve was just the first adult he spent any semblance of time with (that being, five minutes a day, if that), that wasn't a therapist.
"It's fine," Bucky said, pushing what he hoped wasn't a forced smile on his face. Steve wasn't as atrocious as he'd originally suspected. He was always insanely grateful to him for looking after Sarah, and polite.
"Let me get you back for the hot chocolate," Steve said, noticing instantly that Sarah had a drink.
Bucky waved offhandedly. "It's fine," he repeated.
"No, no, I really appreciate you watching after her. Nat wouldn't leave her to sit in the dark, but you've got her back." He pulled a crisp fifty from his wallet and passed it over.
"It's okay," Bucky said, folding his arms across his chest, tucking his metal hand under the arm so it was less obvious. "Really."
Steve looked like he was in pain. "I've a favour to ask. I hate to ask, and if you don't want to I'm happy to get her a sitter. I have to head down to Manhattan tomorrow. Huge case. The other guy is a bag of dicks, actually, won't budge even though we're trying to cut a fair deal. Anyway, I don't know when I'll be home, so would you mind watching her after school?" His face was a mix of stress, and worry, and nerves, in fifty places at once.
Bucky shrugged. "Yeah, works for me. Will you be back Saturday?"
Steve face broke into one of relief, and his shoulders visibly sagged. "Yeah, hoping to get home sometime tomorrow night, but it's always best to prepare for the worst. I can come by and pick her up so she's not too much trouble."
"It's no trouble. She can spend the night. Laura will have fun, and it means you don't have to wake her up if you get in too late. Have the night to yourself. Go on a date. Watch TV or… whatever people do." Bucky shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. He didn't usually talk much to anyone except his therapists, and Tony. Even then he tried to keep that to a minimum.
Steve laughed. "Are you sure? I don't want to be an imposition. I hate to ask, but…"
"Excessive apologies are an imposition," Bucky retaliated with. He let a tiny smile dance over his lips and ducked his head almost instantly. "Really, it's fine. The girls like sleepovers anyway. I can take her to ballet tomorrow and if you're not back then, she can stay until you are." He shrugged. It really wasn't a big deal. As long as Laura did her homework… And Bucky never made her do it on a Friday night.
Steve relaxed further. "God, thank you. You're really helping me out. Can I give you and Laura a lift home? We can grab dinner on the way."
"Nah, it's not too far."
"C'mon. I insist. Let me take you guys out to dinner. We’ll get Chinese or something."
Bucky spoke before he his brain caught up with him. "I have a casserole ready to go at home. You could join us, if you'd like?" Fuck! Why had he offered that? He'd have to talk to Steve! Bucky had had enough human interaction today, hadn't he? But ugh, his therapist was saying he was doing well, and he could afford to start doing things outside of his routine. Maybe dinner with another adult, another parent, was a good way to do that.
Steve looked torn and flustered for a moment before he relaxed back into his easy smile. "I really wanted to buy you dinner as a thank you, but how about we rain check that? Casserole has got to be better for us than Chinese, right?"
"Not the way I make it," Bucky teased before he could stop himself. He was kidding though; he wouldn't feed Laura junk food.
"Hey girls, c'mon. We're going to Bucky's for dinner." Steve called over to Laura and Sarah.
"Oh, awesome," Sarah said, pouring the rest of her hot chocolate into her mouth. "It smelled super good when we were there earlier. I'm starving ."
It had been a long time since Bucky had had another adult in his apartment for more than a few minutes. He'd had CPS check the place out when they'd first moved in, but that had been pretty cursory. And Bucky hadn't slept for a week and a half leading up to that visit.
He knew rationally it was tidy, but he still panicked something would be wrong, that Steve would see the inside of his apartment and see right through Bucky. He'd see inside and know that he wasn't a good parent, that he was somehow inadvertently fucking Laura's life up, and that he didn't deserve to have her. He could feel his panic begin to overwhelm him, and while he did have some valium on him, he couldn't take it without Steve seeing him.
But Steve didn't seem to mind at all. "Oh my god, Sarah was right. That smells amazing," Steve said when they got inside. He toed off his shoes in the foyer, revealing socks with dancing pineapples on them. For some reason that made Bucky smile. "Do you mind if I…?" He gestured at his tie and suit and Bucky shook his head as he went around turning lights on and adjusting the heating.
He listened to Steve chatting away with Laura and Sarah while he did the finishing touches on dinner. He had pre-cut the vegetables but hadn't cooked them. He'd learned that one the hard way; reheated vegetables were horrible. Steve accepted some coffee when he offered, apparently planning to stay up late working on his case.
"Seriously," Steve said around his first mouthful of dinner. "This is amazing. You're amazing."
Bucky shrugged and tried to appear nonchalant.
"It wasn't always this good," Laura pointed out. "He sucked when we first met. But you're good now, Papa."
Bucky rubbed his face with his hand. "Thanks Laura," he muttered, awkward.
Cooking wasn't really a thing he'd worried about until a few months ago. After his parents had died, after he'd left foster care, he'd gone into the army and spent more time overseas on tours than in his own place. Cooking hadn't been a priority. He hadn't even enjoyed it that much, and Laura was right. He had sucked at it initially. But he hadn't wanted her to live on take out, and now he had the time. God, he had so much time.
If he had let himself, he'd have spent all day in bed feeling sorry for himself, letting depression eat away at him. Cooking had been one of the many things he'd forced himself to do every day, even on the days when he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And over time, it had improved. He could pretty reliably make something good now, and it didn't exhaust him anymore.
"Well, regardless of how it used to be, it's amazing now," Steve said, beaming at him. "We barely have home cooked meals. I mean, there's a great meal delivery options now so we can still have half decent food and not live off takeout… But… I don't really cook." He looked a little embarrassed to be admitting that, and looked up at Bucky through his ridiculously long eyelashes. "I guess it's kind of less of a priority when I'm working so much. I know I should cook more, but…"
Bucky cocked his head at Steve, staring a little. He finally shrugged. "It's not a big deal. You work a lot. Long as you're feeding her, I figure it's not the end of the world."
"That's what you'd think, but some of the Moms would have you believe I was locking her in a cupboard at night because I don't feed her organic, home cooked meals every night," Steve said with a roll of the eyes.
Bucky cleared his throat uncomfortably. "This is organic."
Steve's eyes widened and he looked horrified for a moment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that I don't think organic is essential to being a good parent, and I-,"
"I'm kidding, Steve," Bucky admitted with a smirk as he sank back into his chair. "I mean, the meat in the casserole is organic and grass-fed but that's only because that's all they had in the cut I was after." He shrugged again and tried to focus on his food again.
"Sometimes the moms at school make us food because they think Daddy is cute," Sarah quipped while chasing the peas on her plate around with her fork. "But they usually taste funny."
"That's because you’re so used to preservatives, sweetie," Steve joked, winking at Bucky. Bucky choked a little on his food and tried to cough quietly, eyes watering as he did.
Jesus, Barnes, get it together. Another adult winked at him, and suddenly he felt like he was in high school again. At least he could use the coughing as an excuse for why his face was red and he felt hot all of a sudden. But hey, this was a good thing, right? These things hadn't even been on his radar since he'd come back, so it had to be good for his recovery that he was even vaguely thinking about this. His therapist would be so proud. Hi Sam, yeah, I popped a boner this week because the guy I was bitching about last week winked at me.
"You okay Papa?" Laura asked, passing him his water.
Bucky nodded, rubbing at his throat. "Just went down the wrong way."
"I thought preservatives were bad?" Laura asked, turning to face Steve. Bucky pitied him; he knew that when Laura got started on her questioning, she wouldn't stop. And would then go on the internet to try and find more answers. God, Steve was going to be talking about preservatives until midnight now.
"They are," Steve said. "Well, to a degree. I mean. They're not as bad as they're made out to be, but they're not great either." He huffed, clearly a little flustered and not even close to the over-confident man he usually saw strutting around.
Bucky just smirked and busied himself with eating again. Steve could deal with Laura now.
Laura kept asking Steve question after question through the rest of dinner and then dessert. Steve managed to keep up after his initial fumble, and once he was focused on Laura rather than Bucky, he lost some of the flustered uneasiness. Bucky was happy to leave them be; it was nice to catch a break, but still be in company. People were exhausting, but loneliness was harder.
With dessert finished, Steve finally exhaled and leaned back in his chair. "Thank you so much for feeding us tonight, and for watching Sarah tomorrow. You have to let me take you both out next week. Or I could cook for you once this case is finalised."
Sarah wrinkled her nose beside him, which clearly expressed what she thought of his cooking. "We'll take you out," she said, patting Bucky's arm and doing a double-take when it felt solid beneath his sweater. She pulled his sweater back a little, and looked with deep interest at his arm, poking the gold lines that ran through the metal, moving it so she could get a better look From the corner of his eye, he could see Steve was torn between horror at Sarah's actions, and interest in looking the arm himself.
"I thought it was creepy when I first saw it," Sarah admitted, "but it's actually really pretty. Can you feel much with it?"
"A little bit. I can feel that you're touching it." She jerked her hand away, looking nervous. "No, it's okay. You… you can touch it if you want," he said, relieved to hear he'd been able to stop the tremor in his voice. He was still uncomfortable with most people touching him, but he reminded himself that he was safe, that this was safe, that nothing bad was going to happen.
Slowly, she grabbed it again, examining it, poking at his fingers and making them curl and uncurl. It felt odd, but Bucky was used to Tony doing his experiments, and this was no different. He was safe, this was safe, nothing bad was going to happen. Eventually she let go of the arm and smiled nervously up at him. "It's super cool. You're like half a robot."
“He’s actually a cyborg,” Laura said proudly, nodding her head in a manner-of-fact way.
"Say 'thank you', Sarah," Steve prompted.
"Thank you," Sarah said, barely keeping from rolling her eyes.
Bucky gave her a small smile that he knew didn't reach his eyes. He was tired, but he wasn’t uncomfortable. Laura had liked poking and prodding his arm a lot when she'd initially met him.
"I'll see you Saturday," Steve said with a relieved grin. "Seriously, thank you so much."
"If you thank me again, I'm going to take it back," Bucky warned, smiling slightly to indicate he was joking.
Steve grinned again, helping Sarah into her coat, Sarah calling out farewells to them both as he took her down the hallway, and disappeared down the stairs.
*
Steve wasn't back after ballet, so Sarah came back with Laura and Bucky after. She smiled, but he saw the little look of disappointment in her face when he wasn't there to pick her up. Bucky had known he wasn't coming, having received a message from Steve halfway through the class. It made something in Bucky's chest tighten and he decided that ice cream was a great idea, even though it was cold outside. The girls didn't seem to mind, and it did make Sarah smile again, so he figured it was okay.
It was early afternoon when Steve finally came by.
"So sorry I couldn't get her after class," Steve said by way of greeting. He looked exhausted and even more frazzled than a few days earlier. His suit was rumpled and his hair almost looked greasy.
Frankly, it was refreshing to see. It made Bucky feel like he had his shit together comparatively, actually. Steve, the Perfect Dad according to all the mom's at the school, was far from perfect.
"Hi Steve!" Laura said brightly, waving before returning her attention to the TV.
"Hey Dad," Sarah said coldly, not looking away from Frozen . Sarah had wanted to watch Transformers but Laura had seen Bucky's reaction to explosions when she'd first come back and had managed to convince her into something else. Shit, Bucky loved his kid. Laura hadn't even mentioned to Sarah that Bucky hated those movies. Bucky would have dealt with it just fine; okay, he would have just had a double-dose of his Valium, and gone to read in another room, but still. He was going to give Laura flowers or something later as a thank you.
"Hey sweetie." Steve looked tired, and a little sad. "Did you enjoy your sleepover?"
"Yup."
Steve's face tightened and he sighed softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't here after ballet. Do you want to go get ice cream?"
"Nope," she retorted, still staring at the television. " Bucky got us ice cream after ballet."
Bucky's stomach tightened and he felt a little sick. He didn't want to be used as something to come between them.
Steve sighed again. "C'mon Sarah. Let's leave Bucky and Laura alone."
Sarah got up, her arms folded across her chest, lower lip sticking out just slightly. She disappeared into Laura's bedroom to pack her things and Laura cautiously followed after her, shooting nervous glances at Bucky. He shrugged, not sure what he could do.
Steve ran a hand over his face, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Thanks again."
"It was no problem," Bucky said, still feeling awkward in light of Sarah and Steve's tension. He had learned to pick up on these things as a matter of literal survival.
"Um. The girls have a birthday party next weekend. Another sleepover."
Bucky nodded. It was Mary-Jane's, and Laura had been puzzling over what gift to get her. It had been annoying, but he was somewhat relieved she had friends, so he just swallowed any irritation he had with the matter.
"Would you like to grab dinner that night? There's a great wine bar up on Atlantic, and they do nice tapas." Steve's expression was cautious, but hopeful.
Bucky hesitated, feeling his stomach tighten, the sensation spreading to his chest. Socialising with another adult? Without Laura as a buffer? Someone that… didn't know everything like his therapist and Tony knew? Bucky wanted to be sick. He was going to be sick. He inhaled slowly through his nose, mind ticking a thousand thoughts per second.
Answer.
He had to answer Steve.
Answer faster, he'd think something was wrong if Bucky took too long.
"Sure," Bucky choked out, cursing himself for agreeing to it. He couldn't do this yet! He liked Steve. A lot. His body liked Steve a lot too. And the was exactly why he couldn't go to a wine bar with him. A cute guy, plus wine, plus Bucky, plus his PTSD? Asking for a nightmare. Oh god, he couldn't do this, he couldn't, he-.
No.
No, it was okay.
Steve was okay. Steve was a safe person. Bucky was safe here. Nothing bad was going to happen from getting dinner with Steve.
"Great! 7pm? Meet there?" Bucky nodded mutely. "Great! You know the place right? Yeah. Great. Great." Steve exhaled, shoulders sinking in apparent relief. "Wear something nice."
Bucky looked down at his current clothing, a long-sleeved tee and jeans. Fuck. He didn't really own much beyond this and a few suits for when he'd had to go to court. Fuck. Fuck. He was regretting this already. How nice was nice in this town? Everyone dressed up to go to the supermarket; what did they wear to nice wine bars? Oh god, Bucky had never cared about what he wore before… Actually, he had. He used to care a lot. He'd only stopped caring since coming back.
Steve seemed to sense something wrong with Bucky, his expression morphing. “Hey, don’t stress. I can loan you something if you need, but honestly, what you wear most of the time is fine.” He gave Bucky another tired smile, one that made Bucky’s heart race in ways he wasn’t sure was just his anxiety.
Sarah finally returned from Laura's room, still looking sullen. She slung her backpack over her shoulders and said "'Kay. Ready."
"Do you want me to take your backpack?" Steve asked, looking sad again and a little desperate.
"No," she sulked.
Steve sighed and gave Bucky a forced smile. "Thanks again, Bucky. See you Tuesday."
Laura threw herself back on the couch and started the movie again. "Sarah's sad that her dad's never around," she said absently.
Bucky sat slowly beside her. He really wanted to go shower or… something. He needed to do something to distract himself. "Yeah, I know," he said, realising belatedly that he was supposed to say something.
"I used to be sad that you weren't around, after Mama died."
"I'm sorry," Bucky said, feeling his throat close over. He hated being reminded of it, but it was the price he paid. Laura never tried to make him feel bad about it, but he suspected that would come out when she hit puberty.
"It's okay, Papa. I'm just glad you came back. And I get to see you all the time now." She gave him a big grin and scooted over beside him, pushing his arm up and around her shoulders. He hugged her close. He didn't know when kids stopped hugging but he hoped he had another few years of it.
"Me too, kid. Me too."