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Damn it.
Hugh bolted to a sitting position as he let out a soft gasp. Sweat dripped from his forehead, but he didn’t bother to brush it away. His heart raced and the room felt overly warm. The images of the nightmare lingered in his mind; Paul screaming as he was injected by the arms of the spore drive. He had to find a way to fix it and make it easier for Paul. He couldn’t watch his love in pain. It was the second night in a row he’d awakened by the same nightmare. He glanced over to see Paul resting easily. He’d fallen asleep quickly after they lay down. Normally they’d stay awake for a little bit and talk about their day, but Paul went right to sleep.
He’d done two jumps today. After the second one, his blood pressure dropped too quickly causing him to pass out. Hugh stayed close to monitor Paul during both of the jumps. Other than a drop in blood pressure and increased neural activity, he didn’t see any other adverse effects but the punctures. Hugh suspected the jumps exhausted him.
Paul made a soft sound, but didn’t wake up. He rolled to his side and exposed his bare chest. Hugh didn’t even realize Paul hadn’t put a shirt on before crawling into bed. He hated to be cold when he slept. Hugh adjusted the blanket, covering him up. His eyes lingered on the small bandages on Paul’s sides. After the second jump, he’d made the decision to not use the dermal regenerator completely, but to give his wounds some normal healing also. Too much healing in the same area would cause problems with his natural healing process and regeneration of tissues. And despite the dermal regenerator, the wounds could leave a scar.
There had to be a way to fix this. Hugh wanted to slap Lorca after he’d said Paul would continue to navigate the mycelial network in such a fashion. But Paul insisted he could continue. Hugh couldn’t fight both of them and made sure that Paul received a local anesthetic before each jump and prompt care afterwards. It still caused Paul significant pain and it wasn’t enough for Hugh.
Hugh slipped out from under the covers. It was only 0223. He’d only slept three hours, but there was no way he could fall back asleep now with the image of his love screaming. It was too vivid. Hugh gently brushed Paul’s hair back and kissed his forehead. Paul didn’t stir. Hugh dressed in his work-out clothes. He might as well go for a nice long run this morning. It might clear his thoughts to help think of a way to connect Paul to the drive without him being stabbed.
After returning from a long run, Hugh peaked in on Paul. He’d flipped over onto his back and had one hand above his head. With his arm up, Hugh could clearly see the bandages on that side of Paul’s chest. He’d tossed around the idea of creating a cybernetic augment for Paul to connect to the spore drive, but he needed more information about the connection. There was no way he would put augments in Paul’s chest if the drive needed a connection there.
First, do no harm.
Hugh sat down at his desk and pulled up all of his bio-scan information on the previous jumps and how it affected Paul, hoping to find a way to make it easier on his love to travel using the spore drive. He went to fix a cup of coffee before starting to sift through the data they’d collected so far.
“0600 Reminder for Morning Run, 0600 Reminder –” The computer blared.
“Computer, mute.” Hugh took another sip of his second cup of coffee. He heard the soft sounds of Paul stirring. He ran his hands across his face, trying to wipe away the exhaustion. He didn’t want his love to know about his restless night.
“Hugh?” came Paul’s soft voice.
Hugh set down his cup of coffee and headed to the bed. Paul lay on his back with the blanket pushed down again and the bandages visible. It physically pained Hugh to look at him. He focused on Paul’s face as he sat down on the edge of the bed and touched his shoulder.
“How’re you feeling?” Hugh asked, cupping Paul’s cheek and rubbing small circles with his thumb in the stubble on his chin.
“You look so handsome.”
Hugh was taken back by Paul’s response. He normally didn’t avoid a question by flirting. It triggered a memory of Paul the day before, taking Hugh’s hand after he regained consciousness. He hated public displays of affection. Honestly, most of the crew probably thought they were just roommates with how impersonal any physical display was to Paul. Hugh focused and repeated his question.
“I’m okay.” Paul’s forehead wrinkled and he made a face that Hugh definitely would call adorable if he wasn’t concerned about his state of mind. “Are you okay? You look tired.”
“I’m alright. I went on an extra-long run this morning.”
Paul’s brow furrowed deeper. “But the alarm just went off.”
Apparently, his deductive reasoning was still functioning. “I woke up a little early,” Hugh confessed.
Paul sat up and held onto Hugh’s hand tightly. He leaned in close and gently kissed Hugh, pulling back after a short moment.
“Now I’m worried,” Hugh murmured.
“Don’t be. That was just a good morning kiss.”
Paul tossed the rest of the blanket to the side and stood up. Hugh reached out as Paul collapsed against his chest. What was it this time? Hugh’s mind spun with the possibilities as he lowered his love back against the bed.
Paul put a hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. “I’m okay,” he muttered.
Hugh grabbed the ever-present tricorder off of the nightstand table and scanned Paul. It took seconds for the device to register what was wrong. Hugh slowly let out the breath he’d been holding. He could treat this. “You’re not okay. Your blood sugar levels are too low. Stay here and let me get you something to eat.” He squeezed Paul’s arm before heading to the replicator.
“Really, I’m okay.”
Hugh fought the urge to roll his eyes. He ordered some food and returned with a tray. “Can you sit up a little bit?”
Paul nodded. He removed his hand from where it was pinching his nose and he pushed up in the bed so he was sitting. Hugh adjusted the pillow behind his back. He ignored the slight pink color in Paul’s cheek. He didn’t like to be coddled often.
“Here, drink this.” Hugh put a cup of fruit juice in Paul’s hand. His heart skipped a beat as he saw the shaking in Paul’s hand as he lifted the cup to his mouth and took a small sip. “Drink all of it, please.”
Paul made a face before slowly finishing it.
Hugh kept his eyes on the tricorder as Paul picked up a piece of the peanut butter toast and took a bite. As he studied the scans, he saw that several of Paul’s levels were off. “What did you eat yesterday?” he asked, keeping his eyes down to stay neutral.
“I ate an omelet with ham, cheese, green peppers, and salsa, along with a cup of coffee. Did you forget we ate breakfast yesterday?” Paul teased.
Hugh glanced up at him and smiled. “No, I didn’t forget.” It was hard to forget since they ate in bed after a nice morning together. “What else did you eat?”
Paul’s eyes dropped and he took another bite of his toast. Hugh knew before he even answered. He’d forgotten to eat anything else.
“Paul.”
“I did eat a banana with my third cup of coffee!” Paul protested.
Hugh set down the tricorder, satisfied that Paul’s blood sugar levels were higher. He took Paul’s hand. “If I’m going to let you continue risking your life to navigate the ship, you need to help me by taking care of yourself better. Jumping via the spore drive is depleting you. Don’t think I didn’t notice how fast you went to sleep. I’m worried about you, my mushroom.”
“Okay. I can try to remember to eat, but it’ll help if you eat with me.”
“I can do that.”
Paul took another bite of the toast, licking peanut butter off his fingers. “Anything else?”
“I’ll prepare a vitamin supplement for you. Some light exercise will help to keep you balanced, along with rest if you’re tired.”
Paul pushed the tray to the side and pulled Hugh closer to him. Hugh could smell the peanut butter on his breath. “I know a way we could do some light exercise.”
As much as he wanted to get back to work on his new project, Hugh couldn’t turn Paul down. They could shower and eat breakfast in a little while.
*~*~*
Hugh finished bandaging Paul’s sides for the second time that morning. Dr. Pollard was treating the wounded, two Ensigns ended up with a concussion, from the brief battle after the jump. They’d rescued another ship and destroyed more of the Klingons. Lorca beamed from ear to ear and it made Hugh feel a bit nauseous. He glanced up at Paul’s scans, pleased that they weren’t too far off, other than the elevated neural activity. Paul spoke quickly, talking with his hands, as he tried to explain what he’d seen in the network. Hugh smiled, but his heart wasn’t in it. Despite the local anesthetic, Paul had still been in pain.
“… and then I’m going to get my nipples pierced.”
It took Hugh a few seconds. “Wait, what?”
Paul took his hand. “I knew you weren’t listening. I have no interest in piercing my nipples. What’s wrong, dear doctor?”
“I’m tired,” Hugh quickly answered. That was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth.
“Love, honesty has always been the biggest part of our relationship.”
Paul was absolutely right, even if he was saying bold things where others could hear them. The nurse nearby discreetly moved away from them as she headed to assist Dr. Pollard.
“I know.” Hugh looked down as Paul squeezed his hand. He ever so gently touched Paul’s side where the device connected with him. “I’m worried about you. There has to be another way to operate the spore drive. I can’t look at this, without feeling pain and like I’ve failed you in some way.”
“You haven’t failed me. This was my choice.”
“But it wasn’t your idea to operate the spore drive with your own body.” Hugh ran his hand down Paul’s shoulder, but quickly pulled it away.
“No, I never meant to navigate this way, but it’s something I never thought I’d get to experience and I do.” Paul smiled. “Do you want to get lunch? I think I remember something about promising to eat better.”
Hugh returned the smile. “Okay. Let’s get some lunch. We can talk later.”
Paul pulled his shirt back on and they walked quietly to the Mess Hall. Paul walked with one hand on his leg, rubbing the fabric. It was cute and endearing at the same time. He finally moved his hand, catching Hugh’s hand in his and squeezing once. Hugh smiled, feeling a little of his stress dissipate. These were the moments he wanted to spend with Paul, not worrying about spores and jumps and augment designs. Paul started talking about his experience in tracking where they jumped in the network as they entered the Mess Hall. It wasn’t very busy since most people were working during this hour. Hugh ordered some tomato soup and grilled cheese.
“Needing some comfort food?” Paul asked softly.
Hugh’s cheeks turned slightly pink. He didn’t answer since Paul already knew. Hugh liked to eat comfort food when he was stressed or upset over something. He didn’t even think about it before ordering it. Paul ordered a healthy salad and a side of strawberries before walking with Hugh to an empty table with no close proximity to others.
“I think the last time you ordered comfort food was when I got my orders to report to Discovery.” Paul laid his napkin in his lap and picked up his fork, but didn’t take a bite.
Hugh dropped his napkin onto his leg, keeping his eyes down. “You were so angry that Straal said you accidentally destroyed a mushroom sample and then locked yourself in your office for the rest of the day.”
“My mushroom kiddo didn’t deserve that.” Paul stirred his salad around, not eating it. “They were going to separate us.”
“But they didn’t. Thanks to Straal.” Hugh started to eat his soup, hoping it would encourage his love to eat. He tore a chunk from his grilled cheese sandwich and set it on the edge of Paul’s bowl.
Paul kept his eyes on his salad, holding the spoon tighter. “Who the fuck –”
“Language.”
“Whom the fuck –”
“No,” Hugh laughed. “Paul. I get it. I miss him too.”
Paul stabbed his lettuce and finally started eating. They ate in silence for a few minutes. “Straal wanted us to get together from the first time I told him about you. He said I met my match since you weren’t scared off by my obstinate behavior.”
“I found it endearing.” Hugh watched as Paul took the chunk of grilled cheese and started to eat it. “I always love how honest you are.”
“Same. Now, what can we do about the spore navigation problem?” Paul waited as Hugh finished his sandwich. He finished his salad and dove into the strawberries.
It made Hugh smile to see Paul following his instructions on eating healthier food.
“I have an idea.”
“Okay.” Paul smiled. “What’s your idea?”
“There has to be a way to change how the spore drive connects to you, but still allowing you to navigate the network.” Hugh grabbed his PADD and brought up the tentative designs for the cybernetic augments. He handed it to him. Hugh crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for Paul to examine them. “You don’t like them.”
Paul didn’t say anything at first. “These are genius!” he exclaimed. “You’re my genius.”
“I don’t know if it’s going to work.”
“We can make this our special project and work on it together –”
“Lieutenant Stamets, report to Engineering,” Lorca’s voice interrupted. “On the double.”
Hugh bit back the retort that sprung to his lips. He couldn’t get a few minutes with Paul before being interrupted by Lorca and Paul couldn’t get a break between jumps to heal. Paul finished his water and answered. Hugh didn’t move to get up as Paul quickly kissed his hand and practically ran from the Mess Hall. He decided to stay where he was for a little bit and work on his designs for the augments. Paul hopefully wasn’t jumping again, so he had a little time to work in private. He sent a quick message to the CMO about his idea and outlined the project. She replied back that he could get started right away; it was a great project and very necessary.
One more jump for the day and Paul retired to their quarters to rest per the CMO’s request. Hugh could tell Lorca wanted to protest, but he couldn’t tax his main asset for the spore drive. Not without angering Hugh and the rest of the medical staff.
“Doctor Culber to Cadet Tilly,” he called.
“Yes, sir. What can I do for you?” she asked, her voice chipper like always.
“Would you be free to work on something with me? It’s for the spore drive.”
“Of course!”
Hugh smiled. “Okay, I’ll meet you in about twenty minutes.” Her enthusiasm gave him some hope that they’d be able to figure something out to help Paul.
When he arrived in Engineering with all of his things, Hugh found the room mostly empty. Tilly quickly escorted him to a console and asked what he wanted help with. He explained his idea of a safer way to connect with the spore drive. She expressed excitement over the idea, pulling up the information she had regarding the jumps. Hugh pulled up Paul’s medical stats from the jumps. They worked together for over three hours until Tilly called it a night. Hugh continued to work, checking the computer that Paul was still in their quarters.
He was beginning to make progress, having designed a templet for the cybernetic augments. He’d need to run a few trials to make sure that they were going to function and not harm Paul in any way. Hugh ordered the computer to replicate the designs, but he needed the CMO’s approval first. He sent along the information.
“Culber to Stamets.” Hugh ran a hand over his face, feeling the exhaustion and sleeplessness of the day catching up with him.
No reply.
“Culber to Stamets, please respond.”
Still no reply.
“Hugh to Paul.”
Nope.
“Computer, locate Lieutenant Stamets.”
There was a brief pause. “Lieutenant Stamets is in his quarters.”
“Thank you.”
Hugh packed up his things, intending to take them to the medical lab for further work later. He dropped them off and stopped at the mess hall to get something to eat. Only one Ensign and a crewmember we eating at separate tables. Hugh quietly ate his salad and headed back to his quarters.
The lights were dim. Hugh slipped off his shoes and stepped into the main part of their room, looking toward the bed. He smiled at the sight. Paul lay on his back with one arm tucked behind his head. He wore a white t-shirt with the Starfleet emblem in one corner. The blanket was pulled halfway up his chest. One foot stuck out from the right side of the blanket. His lips were parted and Hugh would hear his deep breathing. He seemed to be okay. Hugh relaxed a little, sitting down beside him. Paul stirred a little, but didn’t wake up fully. He let out a soft moan as he readjusted his position on the bed.
The image of Paul crying out as the arms pierced his sides, flashed into Hugh’s mind. He jumped up from the bed and ran his hand through his hair. No.
Paul settled back against his pillow, resuming his peaceful sleep. But Hugh couldn’t relax. Not yet. He leaned over Paul and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.
He’d return to the med lab and finish his designs. He couldn’t sleep, knowing that tomorrow, Paul would be pierced in the sides again and have blood running down his chest. It wasn’t right.
*~*~*
Hugh turned his head to the sound of the door opening. Paul wore only his uniform pants and a dark t-shirt. Not his jacket. He turned back to the microscope, fixing the small error with the left augment. The cover stuck when it was triggered to open, not fully allowing anything to pass through it.
“Good morning,” Paul greeted, putting his arms around Hugh’s shoulders.
“Hey,” Hugh muttered.
“How are the augments coming? Tilly informed me that she helped you with the connection information while I slept.” Paul released Hugh and sat down beside him. He gently took Hugh’s hand in his. “You weren’t there when I woke up this morning.”
Hugh set down his equipment. “I’m sorry. I was working.”
Paul touched the circles beneath his eyes. “You need to rest.”
“I can’t.” He held Paul’s hand to his cheek, taking in the warmth of his fingers. “I think my design is ready. That is if you are still willing to allow me to insert cybernetic augments into your forearms for the purpose of traveling the mycelial network.”
“You’d never hurt me.”
Paul’s words dug into Hugh’s chest and they hurt in a way. Letting him navigate the spore drive this way, it felt like he was hurting Paul every single time he didn’t yell at Lorca for not stopping it. Not that he would. Hugh released Paul’s hand and turned back to his work, completely ignoring the wounded look on Paul’s face. He didn’t understand.
“Lieutenant Stamets, report to Engineering. Now.” Lorca’s voice came loudly through the comm.
Hugh barely resisted throwing his arms up in the air in frustration. Another jump. He didn’t even have time to correct the problem before the Captain was allowing his love to be tortured and injured. He had to finish these designs.
“I’ll meet you in the medbay in an hour. I should be ready by then.”
“Hugh.” Paul’s voice was soft and pained.
It took everything in him not to hold Paul to his chest, to fight to protect him from the pain. He couldn’t. Not yet. The door opened and closed behind him. Hugh took a shuddering breath and refocused on his work. His hand trembled, causing him to drop the instrument on the floor.
“Shit,” he hissed.
Hugh grabbed his other tool and flicked it toward the wall. It hit, clattering to the floor but not breaking. He rested his elbows on the counter and rubbed his face. It was all too much. He rubbed his eyes, trying to force himself to stay calm, but the tears kept leaking out. Hugh covered his mouth to keep himself from making a sound. He had to be strong. For Paul.
He picked up the tools and resumed his work. Sniffling, he pushed away his emotions and worked on finishing the augments.
*~*~*
Paul gently ran his fingers around the edges of the augments in his arms. Hugh forced himself to relax at the sight of the devices he’d inflicted on his love. It was to help him. The process had gone quite smoothly. Paul remained still, not asking any questions. In fact, he ignored Hugh. He deserved it. They could have a conversation later when he didn’t have to connect a brand new technology into Paul’s nerves and make sure it didn’t cause him pain. He set down the last tool and ran his fingers around the augments.
“How do they feel? Is there any pain?” Hugh asked, looking at Paul.
Paul kept his eyes down, touching the edge. “No. It does itch a little around the edges.”
“I can give you a cream for that. Once we find out if this is successful, I can perform some upgrades to the devices as needed.” Hugh reached for his tricorder on the tray, but Paul grabbed his fingers.
“I’m sorry I upset you,” Paul whispered.
“You didn’t – no, I’m sorry.” Hugh didn’t care who was watching. He brushed Paul’s ear, resting his hand on Paul’s neck. “It’s my fault. I’m worried about you. I wasn’t dealing with it very well.”
“I forgive you. I love you.” Paul leaned in and gently kissed him. “Thank you. For this.”
Hugh kept his forehead pressed against Paul’s, feeling completely exhausted and ready to crash. “Love you too. But don’t thank me yet, we have to make sure it works.”
They held hands as they walked to Engineering. Cadet Tilly waited for them, having primed the drive, but didn’t input any coordinates. They simply wanted to see if the augments would even provide that connection. Paul stepped into the chamber and leaned against the new lean-to mount. Hugh observed the arms of the device activating and slowly inserting into Paul’s new augments. Paul hissed slightly and adjusted his position.
“I’m okay.” Paul said before Hugh could even ask. “It just feels a bit tight. It’s weird.” He closed his eyes and focused on breathing.
Hugh checked Paul’s stats and a smile crossed his face.
“The connection is better than earlier,” Tilly commented. “I’m getting stable readings. Oh my gosh, it’s working! This is so cool!”
“I’m seeing stable readings too.” Hugh smiled. It needed a few adjustments right away, but it was so much better.
As soon as the chamber opened, Paul walked right up to him and kissed him. He didn’t hold back, letting himself melt into Hugh’s arms. Hugh relaxed a little. They would make this work. He’d make adjustments as needed. Paul was gonna be okay. He agreed to finish a few of the adjustments and add the data into the computer before going to take a nap. Paul promised to meet him there. They both deserved a good snuggle.