Chapter Text
Plagg groaned as Adrien sighed for the fourth time in an hour. Turning in a lazy circle to face his chosen, who had toppled face-down onto his bed the moment he had de-transformed after the akuma attack, Plagg rolled his eyes at the dramatic display of the boy on the bed.
"Get up, it really wasn't that bad."
Adrien mumbled something unintelligible.
"It really wasn't... You've said much worse you know."
Adrien let out something in between a whine and a whimper, and abruptly rolled over to face the ceiling, slapping his hands over his face.
"I complemented her APPLES, Plagg. I totally meant the apples that the mother of the akumatised victim gave us. I totally did. But did you see her face? She totally did not think I meant those apples."
Plagg snickered loudly as he started to dig through Adrien's jacket pocket, tracing the scent of his beloved Camembert, "Look, kid. I don't usually offer advice, but take it from me - you're not the first boy in the world who's said something dumb to a girl. She already thinks you're weird anyway."
Adrien continued to roll around the bed, letting out an almost humiliating keening sound, "She's never going to take me seriously, Plagg. We're going to die alone. Together. You and me."
Plagg let go of his cheese to give Adrien a deadpan look, "Are you serious right now? You - whose face is plastered all over this damned city - the golden boy of Paris - literal hoards of girls after you - is giving up because of one dumb comment?"
"It's a little more than one I think. We could make a movie, Plagg. We could title it - How Not to Woo Your Lady: The Life and Times of Chat Noir."
Scoffing, Plagg rolled onto his back after finishing the roll of cheese, "Speak for yourself, kiddo. I assure you, if you gave me a little more control when we were transformed, you would not be such a mess."
This retort got Adrien's attention - he had had enough time to get used to Plagg's dramatics, and knew exactly when the little cat goblin was on the verge of divulging an interesting - and probably infuriatingly vague - miraculous secret. He pushed himself up to eye the little kwami relaxing on his desk.
Knowing he'd have to tread carefully - it was only a certain amount of time before Plagg would realise what he was up to and clam up, he put out a challenge knowing the Kwami would be unable to resist, "What do you mean, I wouldn't be such a mess. Like you pointed out - I have "hoardes" of girls after me. Do you mean to say you've picked up a few tips in the past year, Plagg? You little minx, you."
Falling into his trap, Plagg snorted, "From you? In the past year?! Little boy, try millenia. You don't know the first word in the dictionary of wooing women."
Adrien stopped short, desperation overtaking curiosity. He scrambled off the bed & bounded over to the desk, kneeling down to meet the Kwami eye-to-eye.
"Do you really mean that, Plagg?"
"Of course I do," Plagg drawled, enjoying this new role of a smarmy love guru, "I've been with hundreds of Chat Noirs, while they charmed their Ladybugs. Trust me, kid, your technique? Way down at the bottom of the list."
"Miraculous Ladybug!"
Chat Noir watched the little ladybugs fly across the landscape, clearing all the debris and reattaching broken lamp posts. His gaze rested on the love of his life as she put her hands on hips and surveyed the scene. He heard the first beep from his ring, and suddenly remembered that Ladybug had less than two minutes before her transformation broke. She turned around to face him, a small smile on her lips,
"I'd better bug out, Chaton."
He raised his arm to wave goodbye, not trusting himself to say anything normal. The setting sun blazed like a halo behind her, throwing her features into sharp relief against the Parisian skyline.
"Hey! Ladybug! Chat Noir! I'd love an interview!"
Chat sighed as he realised they'd been spotted by a few journalists. Why do they lurk SO close by all the time. A few seconds ago this place looked like a war zone. Ladybug shrieked softly, realising she was cornered in the street with her transformation about to break. Chat turned and pulled her towards him. "Hold on," he said, pushing upwards with his baton, catapulting them to the nearest rooftop.
In his haste, he was neither gentle nor elegant, and realised pretty soon that he had not control over the speed at which they were hurtling towards a chimney.
Ohshitohshitohshitohshit
Giving into his instincts, he felt the cat come out in him, curling around Ladybug and slamming against a chimney, taking all the impact of the hit. He felt her arms tighten around him and her face fall flat against his chest. He felt her remain there for a few seconds. And he knew he was not going to be able to say anything normal.
Okay Plagg, you're up. Time for you to save my ass.
Plagg was, in fact, doing what he does best - lazing around at the back of Adrien's mind. He wasn't like Tikki - half the time, he didn't even pay attention to what Adriend did as Chat - atleast until Adrien's panic level reached an unbearable point. Moreover, he was so not prepared to be called out on his very blatant lie, so soon, or so directly.
Wait, what? What do you mean, kid?
YOU SAID YOU KNEW WHAT TO SAY TO GIRLS, THINK FAST. SAY SOMETHING.
Plagg floundered around - but to his credit, he tried, he really did. He called on every ounce of love, pain, lonliness, and imagined what he would say to Tikki if he saw her now. And he let it all out.
From Chat Noir's chest reverberated a deep rumble. Adrien's eyes flew open, looking down at himself and feeling Ladybug freeze under him.
"Am I dreaming or did you just purr?"
THAT WAS YOUR IDEA OF GOOD TECHNIQUE?!
... Maybe I should just stick to the cheese, kid.
YES WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD. NEVER GIVE ME ADVICE AGAIN.