Work Text:
Alec really, really liked Magnus. But he knew he'd psych himself out if he over-thought it.
So after assuring himself that Jace wasn't going to kill the mood he attacked Magnus's lips enthusiastically.
He was so focused on not thinking and physically showing his enthusiasm that he didn't notice Magnus wasn't touching him back.
"Hey." Magnus interrupted, pushing Alec away by the shoulders "Hey, what's this all about?" Magnus seemed to see something in his face because he carried on hurriedly: "I mean… I'm not complaining, but…"
If Alec had been thinking, he would have noticed the uncertainty and the hesitance in Magnus's posture and words. That while Magnus wasn't complaining, he also wasn't enthusiastically consenting.
"I just thought, you know, I thought we could… take the next step." His words were hurried and deliberately vague, hoping not to engage his brain before they began. If he wasn't thinking, he wouldn't be nervous and then he wouldn't disappoint Magnus, a man who'd had over seventeen thousand lovers.
"The sex step."
"Yeah." Alec grinned, good. Magnus got the hint and he didn't actually have to say it himself. Except, this didn't lead to more kissing, this seemed to lead to Magnus maintaining their distance with hands still planted firmly on Alec's chest.
"Alexander. I may be experienced but-" he broke off to take a breath. "It's rare that I've ever felt this way about someone and… I worry that once we…" He trailed off and turned away from Alec, gesturing hesitantly. "That if we rush into this" he continued, his back now to Alec "That I may lose you." he finished, turning to face Alec again, some feet between them now.
The distance was unthinkable for Alec, hadn't he just been trying to say it was okay? That Magnus could take what he'd so clearly wanted from Alec? That Alec was ready? How could Magnus have these thoughts about him? Sex was the way to bring a relationship closer wasn't it?
"What?" he asked, closing the distance "Why would you think that?" Alec never made a decision lightly, and when a decision was made he hated hemming and hawing his way there, fearing that he'd change his mind or screw it up. Especially when it was something that didn't involve the mind that much, he needed to throw himself into it to have any hope of succeeding.
"Look." Magnus said with a sigh "You're not the only one who feels vulnerable." Alec smiled and came even closer, putting hands on his boyfriend's chest.
"Magnus. You have nothing to worry about. I want this." Alec assured him, putting Magnus in for another kiss, directing him backwards into the bedroom. Magnus was so sweet, thinking of comfort levels and pace, but it was holding them back now.
He kissed and kissed, helping Magnus to sit on the bed, hoping to convey through touch and skin where he wanted this to go.
"Alec-" Magnus tried to begin, Alec put a finger to his lips. If they talked, he'd think and this would all be ruined.
"Shhh…" he soothed. "You don't have to say anything. It's okay." Magnus gulped and nodded, instead gesturing with shaky fingers in invitation.
Yes, that was the spirit, letting the mood and emotions free as they lay back and started feeling each other through their clothes, exploring. Magnus felt so good under him, his torso hard and sculpted, making Alec moan as he moved his hands up and down that delicious skin under Magnus's shirt.
Alec doesn't want to know how far Magnus would have let him take this if his brain hadn't come back online. If halfway through trying to take his boyfriend's shirt off Magnus hadn't flinched away.
But he did.
And he'll thank the Angel every day for the rest of his life that he took notice.
Alec pulled the shirt back down and sat up and away, Magnus tried to follow him with his hands and pull him back down.
"No, no don't leave. Come back. It's okay. I'll make myself be okay. Just don't leave."
Utter horror replaced Alec's arousal like a bucket of ice water as he looked at Magnus through clearer eyes. What he'd seen as panting was his breath quickening uncomfortably, what he'd mistaken for want was desperation and fear.
And when Magnus had mentioned vulnerability and boundaries...
He'd been talking of his own.
That Alec had thoughtlessly, ruthlessly stomped all over, making Magnus think he'd leave if they didn't have sex.
He'd stayed silent too long, however, because Magnus kissed him and tried to pull him back on top. Except:
"No." Alec pushed Magnus away gently "No, no. Hang on." he cupped Magnus's face gently, Magnus's favourite. "Don't you make yourself okay with anything. I'm the idiot who assumed we were ready because I was ready."
"Alec-"
"I'm not leaving you. Not now, not ever if I have anything to say about it and I'm certainly not going to leave you over this."
Magnus gasped out a sigh of relief and rested his forehead on Alec's shoulder.
"Is- is that why you've been with so many people? You'd try and get them to stay and they… didn't?" Magnus shuddered against him. "Oh Magnus…"
"Don't go." Magnus begged in a soft, pleading voice that broke Alec's heart.
"Never." Alec vowed, while he wasn't quite at the L word stage yet he knew his feelings were far beyond the normal first relationship flutters. He cared deeply and intensely for this man. They couldn't spend every moment together, but that wasn't what Magnus was asking him for.
And not abandoning this beautiful, gorgeous, witty, special, magical man was definitely something Alec could do.
He gathered Magnus into a more substantial embrace and just held him tight for a long while, Magnus breathing in his scent, clutching him tightly in return.
"So…" Alec began gently, not wanting to ruin the moment, but knowing it would be worse if they didn't talk about it. His awkwardness gone when faced with needing to get this right. For Magnus. "What- what would you like to do?" He felt Magnus tense up. "It doesn't have to be anything new, or sexual I just… don't want to assume anything right now."
He could feel Magnus's hesitance in the air between them and he kicked himself for not seeing it before.
"You could… still spend the night." Magnus offered tentatively. "Maybe… shower, watch a movie? Share a-" he broke off "I could make you up a room and-"
"Share a-?" Alec interrupted in askance, almost positive he knew the answer.
Magnus tried to flinch away but Alec clung to him tighter. He had this feeling that if Magnus didn't tell him now Alec would never get this close to try again.
"Please, Magnus, you're so good at making sure I have everything I could possibly want. Let me do the same. Please." He didn't mean to plead like that, but he meant every word. While he appreciated Magnus taking the time to focus entirely on him, that had almost led to them having sex when Magnus wasn't ready.
"We could share a bed." Magnus whispered the fragile words between them.
Oh Magnus.
How many times had someone shot down that proposal from Magnus? But then a more horrifying question came to Alec's mind:
How many times had Magnus had sex before he was ready to share that intimacy afterwards?
Had that been another reason Magnus had tried to push aside his fears, his hesitancies?
"That sounds perfect." Alec promised, pressing a kiss into Magnus's hair.
"Only if you want to." Magnus hurried to add.
"It sounds perfect." Alec repeated.