pandamric



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    Forester (Admirals🔛🔝)
    So the true way to combat the Bisexual Russian Terminator isn’t with homophobia...
    It's actually with even more gay
    ...
    You're a goddamn genius.

    ----

    The NHL rookies have joined forces to strategize now that two of the greatest hockey players of all time are on the same team and Ilya Rozanov must suffer from the unintended consequences of making hockey more woke.

    Mainly, the way everyone keeps implying that they want to fuck his husband.

    or: a group of rookies unionize and employ chirping as a form of psychological torture against a one Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov.

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    14 Jun 2026

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    Alternate Title: Shane Hollander: Stanley Cup Winner, Accidental Dog Sitter

    Shane: Is this Ilya Rozanov?
    Unknown number: no
    Shane: Oh, but the dog collar had this number.
    Unknown Number: What? What dog collar? What are you talking about?
    Shane: I'm Shane Hollander.
    Shane: I have your dog.
    Unknown Number: Is this ransom threat?
    Unknown Number: Did you kidnap my dog?

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    14 Jun 2026

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    ILYA ROZANOV has wired SHANE HOLLANDER $5,000
    Remarks: Moya lyubov please unblock me

    ILYA ROZANOV has wired SHANE HOLLANDER $5,000
    Remarks: Let me know when you’re ready to talk i will kneel

    ILYA ROZANOV has wired SHANE HOLLANDER $5,000
    Remarks: character not enough but i’ll kneel and apologi

    ILYA ROZANOV has wired SHANE HOLLANDER $5,000
    Remarks: ze to you for hours if you want me to i miss

    ILYA ROZANOV has wired SHANE HOLLANDER $10,000
    Remarks: you so much

     

    Yuna Hollander (Husband's Mom): Did you just wire my son $30K?

    Ilya: It’s the only platform he cannot block me from Yuna I am desperate

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    14 Jun 2026

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    “Go?” Rozanov repeats, and Shane thinks he manages to nod, thinks he manages to spin some kind of excuse that he knows Rozanov doesn’t really buy, but he needs to go. He needs to get out of here. He needs to find somewhere quiet and calm where he can ride out this panic and painful tightness until he can catch his breath again. He needs-

    He needs to go.

    “I’m sorry,” he says, turning heel and resisting the urge to just book it right for the front door only because he’d rather not have to explain to Hayden why he returned from a hookup with Boston Lily in men’s clothes that he certainly didn’t leave in.

    It’s not until he makes it halfway up the stairs to Rozanov’s bedroom that it occurs to him in a cold rush that it isn’t just anxiety that makes it this hard to breathe.

    “No,” he tells himself firmly, white knuckling the bannister and trying to take a deep breath just to prove that he can.

    It wheezes.

    (how the tuna meltdown is averted through the power of food allergies and anaphylaxis)

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    13 Jun 2026

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    “It’s Rozanov, they’re bringing on Rozanov,” he said in a rush.
    For a long moment, Shane couldn’t hear or process anything. The world had narrowed then expanded too fast, like he was falling. At some point Hayden started talking again, but he couldn’t understand him. There was only the darkness overhead and the ringing in his ears.
    “Shane? Shane, you still there?”
    The words filtered through slow and muddy, echoing. Shane’s mouth was dry, his tongue thick, but he managed, “Yeah. I’m here.”
    “Okay. You’re not gonna have a panic attack, right? Cause that would be bad probably, for your head I mean, and I just think—”
    Shane stopped listening again.
    Rozanov was coming to Montreal. He’d be in the same locker room, skating on the same ice, living in the same fucking city.

     

    Three years after Shane broke it off (not that there was anything to break off), he gets a concussion and the Metros bring in Ilya to fill in for him. A breakup and makeup fic inspired by Jane Austen's Persuasion.

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    09 Jun 2026