kdreyer83
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“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,494
- Kudos:
- 31,420
- Bookmarks:
- 12,466
- Hits:
- 1,911,059
Bookmarked by kdreyer83
13 Jun 2026
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The Proposal by augustaoctavia for Pensieve_Podfics
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
15 May 2026
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Upon learning about an upcoming couples-only work retreat, Hermione Granger happily announces to her rival coworker and the Minister of Magic that she is engaged to be married.
Unfortunately, Hermione is *not* engaged. In fact, she is incredibly and painfully single. Recklessly, Hermione doubles down on the lie and decides to hire someone to pretend to be her fiancé for the next three months.
Enter Draco Malfoy—a man more perfect for the role than she could have ever anticipated.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 140,092
- Chapters:
- 30/35
- Comments:
- 3,154
- Kudos:
- 1,728
- Bookmarks:
- 586
- Hits:
- 89,267
Bookmarked by kdreyer83
03 Jun 2026
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Harry Potter and the Lack of Lamb Sauce by imagitory
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hell's Kitchen (US TV) RPF, Hotel Hell RPF, MasterChef (US) RPF, MasterChef (TV) RPF, MasterChef (UK) RPF
24 Mar 2019
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Inspired by a post on Tumblr, this is a AU story set during Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts, with one big, foul-mouthed difference. Instead of Horace Slughorn, the position of Potions professor will be taken on by...Gordon Ramsay.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 356,700
- Chapters:
- 99/99
- Comments:
- 8,552
- Kudos:
- 30,246
- Bookmarks:
- 7,931
- Hits:
- 1,299,146
Bookmarked by kdreyer83
22 May 2026
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A prank looms on the horizon, one that will destroy Draco's already shredded reputation.
The jokes already exist about him lowering his wand, and about whether or not he'll ever be able to get it up again.
And if the entire school were to just so happen to find out he was still a virgin? Yeah. You see the problem.But he soon finds out that he's not the only one.
And that might be the thing that saves him.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 19,690
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Collections:
- 7
- Comments:
- 546
- Kudos:
- 5,947
- Bookmarks:
- 1,538
- Hits:
- 74,547
Bookmarked by kdreyer83
16 May 2026
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Summary
The 10-year anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, and the defeat of Voldemort, looms over the wizarding world in Britain. Minister for Magic Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Wizengamot make the decision to pass a Marriage Decree for single witches and wizards over the age of 25, in order to tackle the declining birth rate post-war. In the same week, the Wizarding Media Act comes into effect, allowing for Muggle tech enthusiasts Lee Jordan and Colin Creevey to revive the British Wizarding Broadcasting Corporation and launch the very first wizarding television channel.
With almost every magical household rushing out to buy TV sets, the Ministry is inspired - what better way is there to discourage dissent regarding the Marriage Decree, than with a little bit of propaganda in the form of a reality programme, where witches and wizards fall in love? And who better to serve as the faces of that propaganda, than former Order of the Phoenix members, ex-Death Eaters, and their supporters alike?
OR
Fast burn, Draco is just a chill guy, Hermione's moral compass is questionable.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 93,671
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Comments:
- 165
- Kudos:
- 410
- Bookmarks:
- 259
- Hits:
- 19,727
Bookmarked by kdreyer83
06 Mar 2026