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“Two Witches against a Brawler, this doesn’t look good for Team Happy.”
Season 10 is in full swing, and little does anyone know, this match is about to go down in Glory history.
“Sand Toss!” A perfect hit— Wait! No! Kind Tree dodges and gets airborne. In swoops Vaccaria. Frost Powder. Disperse Powder! Lava Flask! Beautiful.”
“What’s this, did Vaccaria miss?” On the large projection screen, the angle changes, showing Steamed Bun Invasion drunkenly staggering out of the way, opening the path for salvation. It’s impossible to tell whether he anticipated the attack or if the erratic movement was an accident.
Best to err on the side of excitement. “A beautiful dodge,” Pan Lin decides. “Steamed Bun Invasion might actually pull through. But no, Kind Tree circles back with another round of Disperse Powder before he can rally. A flawless piece of coordination by Team Tiny Herb. Gao Yingjie is really showing his strength.”
On the field, Steamed Bun Invasion collapses and dies in a hail of attacks, but not before sending one last, final message.
Steamed Bun Invasion: dual laxatives :(
In the stands, the despair is tangible, oil-slick and cloying amongst the fans of Team Happy. No one on the Tiny Herb side notices. They’re too busy staring at the words immortalized on screen.
Dual Laxatives.
“OMG,” a girl in the audience wearing Tiny Herb colors cries out. “Does he mean the Disperse Powder?”
The boy next to her gapes, a creeping dread creeping over him. “No way,” he whispers, but in his chest, his heart responds with the terrible truth. Yes way.
Nobody on Weibo paid much attention to the strange post at the time.
Back then, Happy was barely a gleam in its founder’s shameless eyes. And the post itself wasn’t any weirder than normal, given the account’s owner. A few of Baozi’s bouncer friends reacted with poo emojis but other than that, it was crickets all the way down.
(Until now.)
Baozi: I fought the laxative man and the laxative man won
The devil works fast, but fandom works faster.
Poo-ccaria: happy vs tiny herb: an accurate retelling of the match #Laxative Powder#
(A digital art rendering of Vaccaria resplendent in flowing fabric. The avatars of Team Happy are crouched around him with agonized looks on their faces, all of them clutching their rear ends. Lord Grim looks grim. Steamed Bun Invasion is crying. Vaccaria is sprinkling powder from the sky, salt bae style. In the distance, a toilet rises from the mountains like a throne.)
[[BZ/LJ]] The Laxative Man Cometh, Part 4 (END)
When the evil Witch Vaccaria attacks, King Baozi and his most trusted Advisor, Concealed Light, have to grapple with a series of unconventional sewage attacks. Love happens.
a/n this was taken down ten times, i give up
(bzarchive
.org
/ae30dac,
pw: concealed invasion birthday)
tagged: bao rongxing, baozi, luo ji, baoluo, concealed invasion
“Do you have anything to say about your loss tonight, Captain Wang? How do you feel?”
All the reporters in the crowd could swear Wang Jiexi smirked but none of them caught it on camera. Surely none of them expected the answer, or the chaos it would cause.
Wang Jiexi stands in front of the tide of reporters, a general shielding his troops, and answers. “Light and free.”
Within an hour, the internet is swarming with memes. Wang Jiexi’s face, holding a bottle of laxative, captioned with his now infamous response.
No one could prove he said it on purpose to avoid answering questions. But no one could prove he didn’t.
1 how has no one realized how old the original laxative man post is. do you know what this means? feast your eyes on that date, it’s from two years ago. sbi wasn’t even on a pro team then. this is way before team happy, right after yx left ee
2 HE DIDN’T LEAVE HE WAS KICKED OUT
3 Way to miss the point, upstairs.
4 are you saying vaccaria fought baozi. is this their dark past??? ???? that doesn’t make sense. why would wjx care about some normal player
“What do you think?” Gao Yingjie makes sure to keep his voice low.
Normally, he’s not one to care about team gossip, but he can’t stop thinking about it. He had no choice but to go to the source, or as close to the source as he could get. The only good thing about this whole situation is that at least the fans have mostly forgotten that Kind Tree also threw the laxative powder. Disperse Powder, he reminds himself yet again. Disperse Power, Disperse Powder, Disperse Powder.
A muffled giggle comes from the phone, a welcome distraction. Gao Yingjie sets terrible thoughts of bowel problems to the side. It’s nice to hear Qiao Yifan laugh. If he closes his eyes, he can see the cute way his nose scrunches when he’s happy.
Qiao Yifan finally collects himself. “Um, I’m pretty sure Baozi isn’t dating your Captain.” He even manages to say it without laughing again.
“Pretty sure? That’s not a no.”
He can practically hear Qiao Yifan shrug. “I’ve learned not to rule out anything when it comes to Baozi.” From anyone else, it might have been an insult, but he knows Qiao Yifan well enough to hear the admiration.
Footsteps sound, faint at first and then right outside his door, and Gao Yingjie nearly drops the phone. “I have to go. Talk later, okay.” He has time to hear a soft, okay, before there’s a sharp knocking.
On the other side of the door, Wang Jiexi is business as usual.
No more thinking about Captain’s dating life.
“Yes, Captain?” Gao Yingjie hopes none of the questions swirling through his mind are showing on his face. He’s heard rumors of Wang Jiexi’s close relationship with Tiny Herb’s former healer, so maybe his captain simply likes people who are a lot to handle.
Gao Yingjie can’t relate.
Wang Jiexi looks at him for a long, silent moment, and he nearly confesses everything.
Luck must be smiling on him today because Wang Jiexi only asks his opinion about the upcoming match against Hundred Blossoms. When their meeting ends, Gao Yingjie silently vows to stop chasing after gossip.
That was far too close.
[[Steamed Bun Invasion/Vaccaria]] clean as a whistle
A lonely captain. A chaotic new glory player. A pocketful of laxatives. Somehow they make it work. (AU where baozi joins tiny herb)
tagged: baozi, wang jiexi, laxative cp, laxative cp winter event
Plantago Seed closes the Lofter window, face blank. Unbidden, his eyes track towards a nondescript notebook displayed proudly in the center of his bookshelf, the same notebook God Jiexi signed that fateful day he met Steamed Bun Invasion in the Tenth Server.
What would the fans think if they knew Steamed Bun Invasion hadn’t met Vaccaria two years ago, but Plantago Seed’s own avatar, albeit operated by Wang Jiexi.
He thinks of the fanfic and keeps his mouth shut.
His team thinks he doesn’t know. They think the rumors and the jokes fly over his head because he keeps to himself.
Wang Jiexi walks through the winding corridors of Tiny Herb, a smile playing at the edge of his lips. Of course he heard the rumors. He started several of them. He may not be a Master Tactician, at least not according to the media, but he knows the value of a good distraction deployed at a significant moment.
His phone pings in his pocket, right on time.
Swoksaar (Yu Wenzhou): Stop sending laxative memes to Shaotian. I know it’s you.
Wang Jiexi leaves him on read. Let Blue Rain stew.
He has a practice to lead.