Chapter Text
2022
Gay gurus and their babies
Shane
Congrats on your engagement, Troy!
Ilya
What??? Where did you hear this!
Shane
I overheard Harris (loudly) telling the PR and comms department!
Troy
thank you shane!!
Kip
Ahhhh Troy I’m so happy for you, you need to tell us everything!!
Troy
harris asked me at his family orchard 😊 he tied the ring to chiron’s collar
Scott
Troy, congrats on getting engaged, Harris is a total sweetheart! You did good, kid.
Ilya
Barrett! I thought I was your best friend, how come you did not tell me this first???!!
Troy
oh uh. i needed to tell my mom first
Ilya
Ah yes you are mama’s boy. I forgive you.
And of course I will be your best man
Troy
yeah about that...
Ilya
What do you mean, about that? You are replacing me? Who did you ask?
Bood?
Haasy?
Hazy?
It better not be Dykstra I would never forgive you. This man has no taste in music, how could you ever trust his taste for anything else.
Barrett.
Tell me.
Tell me now.
Eric
Why are you guys blowing up my phone I’m trying to do yoga
Oh! Congrats Troy, that’s awesome!
Scott
Roz could you do me a favor and take a deep breath? Thank you
Troy
um...
i do want it to be you, roz.
it’s just we need to have a conversation before...
Ilya
Again, what????
What is there to discuss? I am best friend. So I am best man. Easy.
Troy
yeah it’s not about that
before you agree to that i need to come clean about something
i don’t really want to do it here though
***
Private chat between Shane and Troy
Shane
Troy. Is this about what I think this is about?
Troy
idk man idk what you’re thinking about
Shane
...
Mexico?
Troy
um. yes.
Shane
Fuck.
Ok.
Troy
i should do it one on one right?
Shane
Yeah but texting is probably better so he doesn’t punch you in the face before processing everything he needs to process.
He’s really possessive it’s low-key concerning
Troy
shit. ok. will text.
***
Gay gurus and their babies
Ilya
Now I am concerned.
What is wrong, Barrett?
Tell me.
Troy
i really don’t think you want me to do this here in front of everyone
Ilya
If you have something bad to say to me I would rather you say it here in front of our friends who can all takes sides (they will all choose mine)
Troy
...
why is nobody saying anything
Kip
I was getting the popcorn sorry, don’t stop on my account though
Troy
shane, help me out?
Shane
Mmm...
Nope.
You decided to bring this up, you deal with it.
Ilya
What does my husband have to do with this Barrett???
Troy
uh
a lot actually
Ilya
I am so confused and so worried
Kip
Oh you’re in for a treat, buddy
Ilya
Kip you know about this too??
Kip
Oh yeah I’ve known about this secret the whole time
Ilya
Secret???
SECRET??
You have all been in cahoots??
Shane
Who taught you that word?!
Ilya
Distracting me will not work I am dog with bone
Tell me secret before I chew bone to dust
Troy
ugh
fine
um
it’s about all-stars 2015
Ilya
...
what about it
Troy
i wasn’t there
neither was shane
but we still crossed paths
Ilya
Wait
No
No no no no no
Tell me this is not about Mexico
Troy
😬 i can’t do that
Ilya
YOU SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND
Troy
um. yeah. i did
he wasn’t your husband then though
Ilya
HE WAS STILL MINE
Shane
No I wasn’t. We weren’t exclusive
Ilya
Shane what the fuck
Kip
This is too good keep going 😂
Scott
2015. Wasn’t that your rookie season, Barrett?
Ilya
WHAT
Troy
um yeah
Ilya
Again WHAT
Shane you slept with rookie in Mexico while I was stuck hanging out with old man Hunter?!!!
Scott
Hey why am I catching strays I had nothing to do with any of this
Ilya
Do not lie, did you also know?
Scott
I did not! Believe it or not, Kip can keep secrets that aren’t his to tell
Kip
Yeah, ILYA, you should know that about me already
I knew who you were for 2 entire years and didn’t even tell *you* I knew your secret.
Ilya
Why are you all ganging up on me? I am wronged party!
Shane
You haven’t been wronged, my love
It’s been only you for me since 2015
It was only you for me the whole time I knew you, really, it just took us a while to get on the same page
I love you
Ilya
I love you too ❤️
I still have questions
Such as: Barrett, you know I know your address, yes?
Shane
Ilya shut the fuck up
Stop threatening him
It’s my body, my choice, and I fully consented to everything Troy and I did together
Ilya
But Shane ☹ We work with him. What if you leave me to go back to him
Shane
Hahahahahahaha
Sorry
Sorry Troy
But
Hahahahhahahahahahahhah
Troy
????
Kip
Ohhhh Troy.
Join the club of people who’ve had their sexual prowess dissed by Shane Hollander. Apparently, Shane and Ilya have magical sex together. Nobody else compares.
Troy
wait you’ve hooked up too??
Kip
Yeah we blew each other, he told me I sucked at giving head, we became friends
Troy
and you’re just... okay with that?
Kip
Um yeah that’s just queer culture. Usually everybody in a friend group has banged at least one other friend. Pals sometimes have more exes in common than the number of goals you guys can score in a game. It’s so common that it’s just… normal
Troy
wow okay
Scott
You hear that Roz? It’s normal
Ilya
@Ryan please tell me you have not also banged my husband
Ryan
What?
What’s happening?
Congrats for your engagement, Barrett!
Oh.
And sorry for your... loss? Rozanov
No I’ve never banged your husband
Troy
haven’t you seen fabian?
ryan likes pretty men
Ilya
🤬🤬 how dare you insult my husband like this
He is most beautiful person in whole world. Prettiest too.
Scott
Barrett do you have a death wish?
Maybe stop bringing up the angry Russian’s husband
Troy
right. yeah. sorry. i’ll stop.
Ilya
We still have not addressed Shane stealing baby bed to sleep with rookie
My own husband, acting like dinosaur and retired sugar daddy
Shane
It’s robbing the cradle
Eric
I don’t know why you’re handing him the tools to insult you, Hollzy
Shane
😫 old habits die hard
Ilya
Yes
Old like Hunter and Bennett
Habits like where are you? Usually you are finished with breakfast by now
Die like Barrett
Hard like Shane will be if he comes back to bed
Scott
Shane, can you make him shut up?
Shane?
Kip
Oh honey I know you know Shane took Ilya up on that offer.
Luca
Hey guys, what’s up?
Scott
Oh shit I forgot the kid’s in this chat too
Kip
Hey Luca, maybe ignore the notifications and don’t scroll back
Luca
Why not?
Kip
Cause Ilya thinks you have a bit of a crush on Shane, and if he knows you’ve seen the contents of today’s convo, he’s gonna convince himself that you’ll get funny ideas. And then he’ll disown you
Troy
yeah maybe learn from my mistakes and don’t paint a target on your own back
we have to work with both of them
Luca
I do NOT have a crush on Hollander!
I swear!
Troy
i can feel you blushing from all the way across town
Kip
Yeah wow Luca that’s so convincing 😬
Scott
Oh boy. You’re toast.
It was nice knowing you, kid
Kip
Come to New York, we’ll offer you asylum
Eric
Maybe then the Admirals could reclaim the title of queerest team in the NHL
Scott
Benny you don’t even go here anymore, what’re you on about. Ottawa still wins by a landslide
Ilya
No, I still win by landslide, I get to have Shane Motherfucking Hollander deepthroat me every other day and none of you losers can touch him 💃
Kip
Thank fuck he’s cooled down. Thank you Shane but mostly thank you Shane’s mouth.
Troy
god bless shane’s considerable bj skills
Ilya
DEAD. YOU ARE DEAD MEAT. 🔪🔪🔪🔪
Shane
See Troy I fucking told you.
***
Private chat between Ilya and Shane
Ilya
You have anything else to tell me? Maybe about other people you have hooked up with?
Shane
😇
Ilya
What does this mean Shane.
Shane
Means none of your business
Ilya
Shane!!!!!
Shane!!!!!!!!!!
Shane
Remind me again how many people you’ve had sex with?
Ilya
You know that I do not know this.
Shane
Exactly. You don’t owe me a list or details, and I don’t owe you that either.
Now remind me who you’ve had sex with but have stayed friends with for years?
Ilya
... Svetlana
Shane
Yeah. And I don’t act like you’re gonna dump me for her on a whim.
Ilya
Well you have Rose so.
Shane
Right yeah she was pretty decent at BJ’s actually, maybe I should ride off into the sunset with her.
OH WAIT.
I’m GAY.
And I’m MARRIED.
To the LOVE OF MY LIFE.
How could I forget?
Must have just slipped my mind
Ilya
All right my love you have made your point.
Also you are too sexy when you are sarcastic, where are you?
Shane
Basement
Ilya
I will come make you flood your basement then 😏
Shane
What?
That’s not even
Ugh you know what I don’t actually care, just hurry up.
Bring lube we’ve run out down here
And maybe a toy. Surprise me.
And a towel and a blanket
And snacks for after
Ilya
Do not worry my love, we do not ever forget aftercare in this house
Shane
Never ❤️