Chapter Text
The night is quiet. Just like the last. Deathly still. The brief respites of this only being his dreams that come and go like flashes of lightning; those flashes that haunt him. There hadn’t been another nightmare like the first since then thankfully. His dreams since then took the form of a tingling chill, more unnerving than frightening. In his dreams his state in reality was always forgotten, but a thin thread still tied to his consciousness as moving in his dreams felt strange and foreign; he knew something was amiss still even if his dreaming mind couldn’t remember in the moment. But he could afford to let himself sink into that respite, even if the reminder and realization that came afterwards made his heart heavy again. The venture out of the confines of the infirmary yesterday had granted him a new one.
~
Sun shined bright and warm down onto Sunny. The water below and lapping up against her sides shimmering like pure jewels. He’d honestly consider the whole ocean herself to be the most priceless gem of the world, even if it wasn’t a solid rock like the others. There were legends out there though that blue gemstones were created in the image of the sea. He always liked those stories. Stories told to him by his mother-the way she’d then look at his blue eyes and call them gems of the sea themselves. He was granted hair of the sun and eyes of the sea; a personification of the two greatest treasures of nature.
He’d carried those words forever. Amidst the cruelty, abuse, and darkness, his mother’s affirmations and love kept him afloat. While everyone else saw him as a failure and worthless, she whispered to him how he was a treasure and let him see that horizon of freedom that lay in the distance. The sea was freedom, hope, and love. He was the sea. He was free.
He was free.
That was all he could think as he climbed the rigging on the side of the ship. The rope like a ghost beneath his fingers. There, but he couldn’t feel the scratchiness of it against the skin of his palms. There was an invisible wall between him and its presence, but he didn’t mind here. Turning his back to the ropes, he rested against them, looking out into the stretching horizon. Blue as far as the eye could see. Where many would see being surrounded by the water as trapped, all he could see was that freedom.
How long until that freedom was real again? When he could truly take in that sea breeze and scent of saltwater. To climb these ropes like this again, for it to be real. When he could reach out his hand just as he did now towards that glittering jewel, and someday grasp that dream of his. As he looked out his skin tingled, something ebbed all over-
~
He came awake with his eyes scrunched closed still. Gone was the cool sea breeze, instead a cold sweat stuck to his skin. The sheets sandwiching his body underneath and overtop weighed heavy and prickled against his skin. Wait-prickled? All in the milliseconds he came awake and noticed all these things, overwhelming sharp pin pricks and stabs of pain radiated throughout his body. It washed over him like a wave on the surf, flooding his senses. He didn’t even have the ability to fully process at first how he winced and his shoulders hunched up tense all on their own.
He had to force himself to remember to breathe once he became lightheaded and realized he’d been clenching his jaw and holding his breath. Actually being lightheaded masked the pain for those few blissful seconds and once it receded did the pain rise back up; that wave on the surf again. Gritting his teeth, Sanji sucked in breaths, hissing as he blinked at the ceiling. His fingers-they could move! Still a bit stiff and jerky, but each hand could slowly close into a fist. He could feel the nails digging into his palm. One sharpness to try and even out the other and distract him.
It was heaven and hell all at once. Pure ecstasy and an overwhelmedness that he could feel and move again, but pure torture the fire and pain that came with it. It left him spinning and reeling in the bed. He bit down on his lip to stifle a whimper when a particular bad stab of pain rushed up his back and arms all the way to his neck. He should probably call for Chopper. That would be the wise thing to do. But thinking straight is hard to do when one is in unbearable pain. He could move though, maybe he could get himself up, take care of it himself. Maybe he just needed to move around and this was simply the soreness of immobility.
So he planted his hands on the mattress at his sides and tried to push himself up. He barely managed to jerk his head and shoulders up off the bed with short gasps and hisses, but that only sent forth a new wave of fire through his arms that left him breathless and dropped back down onto the pillow with a whine.
“Shit…..” Sanji seethed, writhing against the pillow. He really should call for Chopper now. Once he caught his breath and could find the strength to actually raise his voice.
A few minutes passed, maybe. He seemed to drift within the pain for some time trying to find that opportunity to call out. But he didn’t need to wait any longer, thankfully, as the door squeaked open and hoofbeats trotted across the floor and to his bedside.
There was a small gasp and a hand on his shoulder. “Ah-Sanji! Hold on-i’ll get something to help!”
Sanji blinked his eyes open again as he’d squeezed them shut, turning his head to watch Chopper grab a vial from his cabinets and a syringe and then return to the bed, pulling his chair along to hop into it. Filling the syringe with the vial’s contents, he brought it to Sanji’s IV line and injected it, slowly pushing down on the plunger.
“This is just a painkiller.” Chopper explained. “It’ll take a minute to start taking effect, but it should help.”
“Thanks, Chopper….” Sanji exhaled, feeling the cold rush of the medicine entering his veins. His senses really were in overdrive after being muted for such time. He let his head lay back fully and shift his shoulders, still wincing a bit.
That was when Chopper gasped again and blinked. “Sanji? You’re moving?”
“Mhm.” Sanji swallowed and nodded. “Seems so…”
Setting the empty syringe and vial aside he launched onto the bed to be even closer to Sanji as he half-hugged his head and blubbered with tears in his eyes. “Ahhh-i’m so relieved!! I heard you in pain on my way here and figured your nerves were working again, but I didn’t realize you could move already too!”
It hurt to do it, but Sanji through winces jerked his hand up to pat Chopper once before he had to drop it back down. Chopper noticed of course and pulled down, giving him space again and clearing his throat to reestablish his doctor mode. “Ahem-now how is the pain? It seemed pretty bad. When did it start?”
“Must have been sometime during the night.” Sanji answered, as Chopper reached over to give him a sip of water, then continued. “Woke up to it. What a way to wake up that was.”
“I’m sorry if you were uncomfortable for long.” Chopper set the cup aside. “I know it isn’t fun, but it is a good sign and progress in your recovery.”
“You did warn me.” Sanji lamented.
“I’ll administer more painkillers to keep you comfortable. We’ll just have to balance the dosage and time though to be safe. I’ll definitely have to give you more when we debride and change your bandages later today.” A glance of worry passed over Chopper’s face at the mention.
“Yeah,” Sanji sighed. “That’ll probably be loads of fun.”
“Just try to take it easy until then.” Chopper patted his arm. “The others will be really happy to hear though! They really have been worried.”
Sanji shook his head. “I’m sorry you all have been having to go to such trouble still.”
“No, no, no!” Chopper smacked his forehead lightly-not even a smack at all. “Patients are not trouble! You do so much for us, Sanji, and you help take care of everyone every day! This has been our turn to take care of you.”
“I’m not-” The words “ worth that” didn’t make it out of his mouth as the door swung open again and sandals smacked against the floor.
“I thought I heard Sanji awake!” Luffy’s smiling face hovered above him as he posted himself on the edge on the bed and leaned right over him. “How ya feeling?”
Sanji plastered a smile onto his face, giving a tiny and shaky wave. “Well there’s this.”
It was amusing the way Luffy’s eyes bugged out and mouth widened. It was not as amusing when Luffy snatched said hand and shook it excitedly. “You’re moving! That’s great! That means you’ll be able to cook real soon!”
Even with the painkillers, the jostle still sent staticky sparks up his arm and burned around the fingers. Sanji couldn’t hide the groan and grimace.
“Luffy!” Chopper morphed up into heavy point and pinched Luffy’s ear, yanking him back and held him by the scruff of his shirt. “How many times do I have to tell you? He’s still recovering, you have to be careful!”
“Sorry, sorry!” Luffy released Sanji’s hand, holding them up in surrender with a smile.
Letting the pain recede, Sanji took a deep breath. “It’s okay. It hurts like hell, but at least I can feel something finally. And I’ll make it up to you all. I promise. By tomorrow i’ll be up and back to my kitchen and I can cook you all the feast you deserve.”
Luffy and Chopper shouted a ‘yay’ and ‘no’ at the same time.
“This is progress,” Chopper set Luffy down and folded his arms, “but you’re going to need more time. Your burns still have to heal and your body will require physical therapy to get you back to proper movement.”
Sanji couldn’t help but squeeze his eyes shut in frustration and huff. “How long…?”
“We’ll just have to see how it goes.” Chopper answered and patted his leg this time. “Just a little longer, Sanji, I promise. Now try to get some more rest, i’m helping Jinbei and Robin with breakfast today so i’ll come back with some later for you.”
~
The day passed slowly. Breakfast, then lunch, came and went. Even though he’d eaten out in the galley before and could now move, Chopper deemed it better for him to stay in bed in the infirmary today as to not push his muscles and nerves with his feeling back. While he’d made progress in general, that made it feel like a setback. But he’d bear it. He’d have to. He’d endured worse….though battling physical pain was easier than emotional. There was some hope at least. Maybe the good part of that dream he had wasn’t so far away after all.
He would have to hold onto that as the time came for the dreaded dressing change. Chopper strategically waited a few hours after lunch to make sure his stomach was settled and a few hours before dinner in caution that he would need a break afterwards. That prospect only made him more wary of what was to come and made him realize the blissful ignorance he had been in the past days. Not being able to feel anything, not being able to feel the pain, let him ignore it and not truly think about what it was going to be like when he would feel it. His second realization was that he hadn’t thought about it because he’d been too busy thinking he was never going to get better. Just mulling over all these thoughts exhausted him.
The head of the bed angled up slightly, Sanji watched Chopper set up his tray as he’d done the times before. Only this time the tools appeared more daunting and threatening. Now these were tools that were about to subject him to pain; pain that was to aid in his recovery, which seemed like an oxymoron. He still had never even seen what was under the bandages, not once had he dared to look.
“Okay, Sanji, are you ready?” Chopper sat in the rolling chair beside the bed, waiting for him.
No, he really wasn’t if he were to be honest with himself. But he nodded, albeit warily “Gotta get it over with.”
“I’ll warn you again,” Chopper checked the IV line one last time, “I’m already giving you some morphine to try and numb the pain, but it’s still going to hurt probably.”
He frowned in guilt. “I’m really sorry but you’ll have to push through it.”
“I’ll handle it.” Sanji breathed out, clinging to keeping it steady and to not shake.
Chopper picked up his left hand gently, holding it between his hooves. “I’ll do it just like before. You don’t have to watch and i’ll let you know every step i’m doing.”
He let his head fall back against the pillow and relinquished his gaze up towards the ceiling. “Just do it, Chopper. I’m ready.”
“I’m starting with the left.” Chopper announced, then he morphed up into heavy point and fingers were moving the bandages. “Taking off the old dressings, then i’m going to begin the debriding.”
It was silent as the bandages fell away. He felt the cool air on his skin, which was a bit unnerving. “It’s healing nicely. I’m confident to say once it's fully healed you won’t even be able to tell it ever happened.”
“Good…” Was all he uttered, keeping his eyes up. It was a relief in his chest. To know he could rely on his doctor to be sure no scars would be left behind, one the most important things to him would be kept intact.
“Okay, this is where the hard part starts.” He could hear a tool being picked up. “I need to be precise but i’ll try to go as quick as I can. It may be hard but I need you to try and stay still, hold onto something if you really need to.”
His hand was already mutely throbbing in pain. A hot ember desperate to flare up. A distant thought occurred to him: which was worse, sudden pain or inevitable pain? Closing his eyes, he took one last shaky breath. Chopper wasn’t going to start until he gave the word, there was no use in delaying the inevitable. “...Okay….”
“Starting the debriding.”
He’d endured much physical pain in his life. All kinds of it. He’d grit and bore it all; didn’t show any falter. But this kind-the moment it began and shot up through his hand and his arm to his neck-he couldn’t stop the sharp inhale as his eyes went wide and he winced. He at least was able to hold it in to be a small flinch. Chopper and his keen senses noticed nonetheless.
He wasn’t looking. He swore not to as he still knew whatever he saw would never be able to leave his mind. But the feeling illustrated an image for him. The sensation of his mangled skin being peeled away and left exposed. Fisting his other hand into the bedsheets, a white-knuckle grip for dear life, he tightened his muscles to try and keep from moving more. But even that was difficult as the agonizing sensation went on for what already felt like an eternity. Eventually he couldn’t help but fully writhe and flit against the mattress and pillow. Chopper’s heavy point helped keep a firm hold on his arm and keep at least that still so he could work.
Another piece from the base of his finger made him jerk. “Ah-Son of a-!”
“I know, i’m sorry!” Chopper paused for a second to reaffirm his grip and tweezers. “Just hang in there!”
What felt like forever finally came to end as Chopper set his tools aside and began to clean the wound site. Compared to the former, that was mere stinging and throbbing. But Sanji may have also been starting to drift out by that point as he heaved against the pillow trying to catch his breath.
“Okay, left hand is done.” Chopper finished wrapping his hand and wrist, gently setting it down on the bed. “Now I need to do the other. Are you okay to continue, Sanji?”
“I don’t know if I can do this Chopper….” It slipped between his lips in his halfway haze before he could stop it.
“If you need a break-”
“How is this going to make my hands better when it hurts so much?”
“It’s part of the process.” Chopper explained. “I have to cut away the damaged skin so the new and healthy can grow. It’s painful, I know. If it’s too much I can put you under instead.”
“No way-” Sanji snapped, raising his head, the mere suggestion rousing him back to full lucidity. “I trust you with my life, Chopper. But I can’t go to sleep while someone messes around with my hands.”
“But you’re in too much pain, Sanji,” Chopper pleaded, “and you don’t have to force yourself to be.”
“Then i’ll have to then.” Sanji let his head fall back against the pillow, chest trembling. “I’ve-I’ve had worse. Just do it.”
Chopper looked as if he wanted to protest, but he did not. “Let me get more supplies. And i’ll get you some water before we continue.”
~
The right hand was worse than the left. Because of course it was. Maybe it was because he’d already withered under that level of pain that another bout of it seemed even worse. Or maybe it was just a testament to how weak he was. Either way-the right hand was pure torture. And the last thing he needed was an audience as the door opened and Zoro walked in.
“What are you doing here?” He quickly forced himself to be still, angling a glare up at him.
“Nothing.”
“That’s a load of crap.” Keeping his body from moving let his voice shake even worse no matter how he tried to steady it. “I’m a bit busy.”
“Yeah.”
“So, go .” He spit out, a shiver wracking his body. His glare only deepened as Zoro just shrugged and folded his arms and engaged in the staring contest. One that didn’t hold very long as another jolt of pain made Sanji hiss and writhe.
“I know-i know!” Chopper tried to soothe him. “Just hold still-!” Easy for him to say!
“What do you put in that rice pilaf you make?”
Cracking his eyes open-when did they even close-he narrowed his frustration and confusion up at Zoro. “Wha-what kind of question is that?”
Zoro didn’t even react to the scowl, nonchalant as ever.“Everybody keeps trying to make it, but they can’t do it right and i’m sick of being a guinea pig. What’s the secret?”
“What’s the point-gaugh!” He heaved where the side of his head pressed into the pillow. “I-I’ll be cooking again s-soon, quit whining and- deal with it! Shit-!” That one was worse than all the others.
“Sanji-!” Chopper’s hand flung over to push him back down onto the bed as he’d tried to rise up on instinct. The fire washing over him he could only arch his back off the mattress as Chopper’s hand kept him down until it passed.
“Will you just go already?!” He gasped, nerves on their last threads. “This isn’t a display for your sadism!”
“Your job is to put food in my mouth, not words.”
Another button pressed, lighting the fire of anger through him over the one inflicting torture. That spark of frustration giving him the burst of strength to try and rise up again, a leg bracing up under the blanket. “I’ll put my foot in there-!”
Chopper tried to push him back down. “Sanji-come on..” They should finish this sooner than later, but he wouldn’t be able to with Sanji moving around so much and keeping him still was evidently getting harder and harder.
Without a word, green swept in between them. Two stronger, calloused hands gripped his shoulders firmly and forced him back down.
“Get off-” Sanji squirmed.
“Not happening.” Zoro droned above him, a hard gaze. “You have to let Chopper work.”
He was trapped. There was nothing he could do as Chopper took hold of his arm again and resumed the debriding. As if this could be any worse, now Zoro was here and had a front row seat for his pathetic display. Hadn’t he already seen enough? Why did he come here this time? Why every time? Those thoughts couldn’t find a resolution as pain derailed them. No doubt about it, it really was getting worse. His tolerance was wavering. Hissing turned to yelps. He grit his teeth to try and stifle them to the point he may very well break them just from that.
“How much more you got, Chopper?” Zoro glanced over his shoulder.
“I still have to do the back of his hand and wrist. Keep him there.”
“Can’t you just knock him out?” Zoro grimaced as now the yelps escalated to yells and Sanji’s left hand scrambled against his bicep, clawing and gripping at it. His legs squirmed and jerked, a rising concern if he may actually try to kick someone.
“He refused. He doesn’t want it.”
Zoro’s head snapped back down to Sanji, brow furrowed in disbelief. “So what? You’re subjecting yourself to torture, what, are you a masochist? I take that back, you’re a dumbass.”
What kind of insane person would subject themselves to pain like that? Okay, maybe he wasn’t one to talk with some of his old scars and how they were treated. A distant memory of the Muggy Kingdom and his lost eye came to the surface. But for Sanji to be doing it was ridiculous. Self-sacrificial as he was, maybe it shouldn’t come as a surprise.
Sanji didn’t even respond. He couldn’t even dream of a retort at that point. All there was was the pain. That’s all that existed and was swallowing him whole. He’d told himself he would and could handle it. How he was eating those words and just wished for an end to this new nightmare that there was no escape in sight. His yells dissolved into crying and sobs as his chest stuttered and heaved. He couldn’t care if Zoro was watching now, he just wanted this to be over.
The sight was too familiar. How many times would he have to look at Sanji like this? A part of him could laugh in irony how he’s internally scolding the man for subjecting himself to pain and torture when he himself was doing the same thing by placing himself in these moments every time they’ve occurred. Another sob, the blood on his lip as he caught it and bit down trying to grit his teeth again spurred him to action.
“Alright-Chopper, hang on a second-” Zoro shifted, pulling Sanji up and placed himself at the head of the bed beside him, placing his left leg behind him and left arm around his shoulders. Sanji rested between his legs and against his arm and chest, practically encircled by Zoro.
Swift and sharp, Zoro wrenched his bandanna from his arm, shaking it out and then folded it with one hand. “-come here.”
His left arm around Sanji he hooked it up around his neck and grabbed his jaw. Sanji only fought against it for a second with a groan. Firmly, Zoro held it up and in place as he brought the folded bandanna up to Sanji’s mouth and forced it in between his teeth. “Bite down.”
Sanji obeyed, teeth clamping down around the fabric as it absorbed another cry. He kept that arm around his back to steady him and hold him in place while the other reached across to take Sanji’s bandaged left one. “Here. Squeeze”
Despite his state, Sanji still had enough strength to squeeze Zoro’s hand pretty hard. Not enough to hurt of course, but if it wasn’t him they’d certainly be uncomfortable. Zoro just held on, let him break his hand if it was needed. He writhed against Zoro, groans and cries of pain muffled by the bandanna and more importantly would keep him from biting his own tongue.
After what seemed like forever, the dizzying nightmare ebbed away. The sensation of metal cutting and tearing away at his skin left for good. He heard Chopper finally give the blessed announcement. “Okay, i’m done. It’s over. Let me wrap it and i’ll administer the painkillers.”
“Give him plenty.” A deeper voice uttered closer to him. He was having trouble registering who that was again through the haze wrapped around him. At some point his eyes had closed, and he could open them to see who it was, but he couldn’t even manage that. All he could focus on with a minute thread was catching his breath.
Whoever was there reached up and pulled the fabric from his mouth, letting air in in full as his jaw unlocked and hung open. The click of his jaw and the first gulps of air left him retching out a few weak coughs. The relief and exhaustion pulled at him as he sagged with a sigh-the tension cut like a puppet’s strings. He didn’t hit the bed, instead listed to the side and head landing on someone’s shoulder; firm and warm. A familiar scent wafted his nose, right on the tip of his brain but he couldn’t grasp it.
“This’ll probably make you drowsy, Sanji, but you need the rest.” That was Chopper’s voice. His eyes fluttered open long enough to be able to see him injecting a needle into his arm and pressing down the plunger. A cool sensation flooded his arm, before an even bigger wave of fatigue and beckoning of sleep began to pull him down harder. He was too tired and this haze wasn’t so bad as it chased away the pain so he let himself sink into it.
~
Coherency came and went. Like floating in the ocean just like in one of his dreams, he drifted, bobbed along, and resurfacing in waves. None for very long, some he didn’t even open his eyes before going back down. All he knew was that each time he came back up he was comfortable and warm.
Blinking, he realized this one time that he was actually awake even if he was still drowsy and teetering on returning to sleep. He inhaled deeply, shifting where he lay. That familiar scent hit his nose again: choji oil and grass. It was dark in the room, it must be nighttime. But in the faint light he could make out and feel dark green, soft fabric under his cheek. Actually that was only half of what he was laying on, the other half was warm skin, someone’s neck where his own head was nestled in the crook of it.
All those attributes took a minute to add up, but the equation finally came together in his fuzzy head: Zoro. While he had the answer, that fuzzy head of his didn’t fully register it. He was too tired and sleep was pulling at him again and he was comfortable after days of discomfort and stress.
~
It was the call of seagulls that woke him the final time. Chopper hadn’t been kidding about those painkillers now that they had worn off and he could fathom just how much of an effect they had. Inhaling and shifting with a drowsy groan, he blinked his eyes open, finding the morning lit infirmary. Blinking again and taking stock of everything, his senses and brain catching up, he realized he wasn’t lying on a pillow and what was actually in front of his eyes as he was lying on his side.
Zoro-asleep and snoring softly beside him. He’s curled up against Zoro, and Zoro’s arm is around him.
He only had five seconds to process all of that and connect it back to his last coherent memories from yesterday before the door creaked open and Robin and Brook walked in.
“Sanji-” Brook sang. “-good morning-oh!”
Robin peaked around him as she followed in. “What is it, Brook? Oh.” A wicked smile curled up on her face. “Well don’t you two look comfortable.”
“Oh my! Forgive our intrusion!” Brook tried to stage whisper and covered his eyes scandalously. “We should leave you two alone.~”
Heat rushed to his face. “Wha-it’s not what it looks like!” He scrambled even as they both retreated, but left the door open. The pleasure of his comfort was flung away by embarrassment as Sanji squirmed and struggled out of Zoro’s hold-which was quite firm. In his haste and attempt to reach into his reserve of strength, he defaulted to using his legs, kicking Zoro from the bed and tumbling onto the floor.
“Augh-what the hell?!” Zoro hit the floor in a heap, a leg still hung up on the bed as he sat up, rubbing his head and sleep from his eye.
Nami must have been in the galley and heard the commotion as she was suddenly in the doorway with a smirk on her face aimed at Zoro. “Enjoying your cuddle session? Should’ve known you were in here when we couldn’t find you at all yesterday evening.”
Sanji’s gaze went to Zoro, searching it, for what he wasn’t sure but at least some reaction and what it would be. What he didn’t expect was for Zoro to look back at him for a split second and search his face as well with that stern expression. What was in his eye he wasn’t sure but right there it was too much. Ripping his own away, not letting whatever was there bloom and become known, Sanji rolled over, pulling up the blanket to hide in them.
Unhooking his leg, Zoro pushed himself off the floor and strode past Nami, hastily leaving the room. He’d left so quick, he didn’t realize until he got to the men’s quarters to change his clothes that he'd forgotten his bandanna in the infirmary.