Chapter Text
Cougar didn't actually want to die.
He might not have a whole lot to live for, but he wasn't the kind to give up either. Then again, he couldn't deny that he felt a certain amount of peace as he sat there, waiting for the blood loss to kill him — unless the cold got him first.
If this was how he died, he guessed he just had to accept that. Considering that he was stranded in a settlement full of corpses and had a bleeding hole in his side, his odds of survival weren't that great. No one was coming to save him and the pain was getting quite bothersome by then.
He could easily end it himself.
He had a gun, after all — his hand was still steady enough to raise it and aim, if need be. But Cougar was too stubborn to take his own life. That kind of surrender wasn't in his nature.
To be honest, he wasn't sure what he was waiting for. Wade and Cage had left hours ago, after obviously having decided that killing Cougar themselves was too much of a hassle. Leaving him for dead in the middle of a slaughtered settlement did the job well enough, and was less risky for them. Cougar had been quite thorough with the other three Raiders, after all.
He felt no regret for killing them, whatsoever.
Cougar had signed up to help locate and capture an Engineer — not slaughter an entire settlement. Turning against his own was the least he could do, even if he had been unable to save any of the Settlers.
The morbid cacophony of panicked screams and rapid bursts of gunfire had brought back flickers of memories Cougar tried his best to suppress. In the blood-splattered chaos he saw another settlement — a place he knew when he was just Carlos and had brothers, sisters, and parents.
A home that burned down years ago.
He had been helpless to stop the Raiders then, but not this time. He might not be a good person, but he would be damned if he became an even worse one over something like this. This hadn't even been the right settlement; the Engineer they had set their sights on had a different tattoo. These Settlers could have been spared.
So much death and destruction, for one Engineer.
But Cougar could admit that it was one hell of an Engineer. The man hadn't looked like much when he stood there, surrounded by Raiders, tossing out jokes as if that would somehow keep him alive. Cougar had thought that the blue-eyed stranger was just a raving lunatic, banished from his settlement or perhaps out scouting for food.
Cougar had rarely been so wrong.
He still wasn't sure what the Engineer had used to knock them off their feet. All Cougar knew was that his ears had been ringing for hours afterwards and he had barely been able to walk in a straight line. He suspected a sound wave, for how it had affected his balance and hearing. That kind of weapon — something invisible that could incapacitate six armed attackers — was both ingenious and terrifying. Those two often came hand in hand, after all.
And the jaw-dropping ingenuity hadn't stopped there. The Engineer had somehow managed to deflect Cougar's bullet — and made it look alarmingly easy. Just a flick of a wrist and the bullet had changed course and lodged into a nearby wall instead. Cougar had never seen anything like it, and he doubted that he ever would again.
Cougar didn't know a whole lot about technology but he could tell that the man had to be brilliant. Some of what he did looked damned close to a miracle.
So he understood if Wade had decided that they wanted that specific Engineer, but Cougar didn't support pointless slaughter. The Settlers hadn't deserved this, and Cougar knew that their dead eyes and frozen expressions would linger with him for years.
They always did.
When he thought about it, he didn't really have a reason to fight so hard to stay alive. Dying might actually be a relief at this point, since it would put an end to his sinning. His transgressions were already far too many and he doubted that he would ever be able to repent.
How could he possibly end up anywhere but Hell, after everything he had done?
Cougar closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He was getting tired. The air felt raw and biting despite being several degrees warmer than it was outside. His right hand was going numb from pressing against his side, trying to stop the blood flow, and the wall he was propped up against was cold against his back. If he had been able to move he would have, but he didn't have enough strength left. Not to mention that it seemed rather futile when he was dying all the same.
His hat lay next to him on the floor, a silent reminder of all the things he had lost and failed to protect — a memento from the life he would never have again.
He felt that it suited him, to die alone and abandoned.
Cougar sighed and pointedly ignored the gathering pool of blood beside him. So far it wasn't big enough that he would bleed out, but that was only a matter of time. He grew weaker with each passing minute. The gun was still in his left hand but he refused to turn it on himself.
He still wasn't sure what he was waiting for.
There was something in the air — an expectant tension — but he couldn't understand why. No one was coming to help him. There was no salvation for someone like Cougar.
And yet he held on.
His attention flickered — or maybe he lost consciousness. The next thing he noticed was the creak of the door as it opened, jolting him from his haze. Cougar raised his gun on pure reflex, too disoriented to do much else.
Light.
The only thing Cougar saw was the bright light of the open doorway, blinding and breathtaking, and a dark figure, haloed in white.
For a moment, he wondered if he had died after all — maybe this was Heaven.
Only it wasn't.
The silhouette moved, and once his eyes adjusted Cougar realized that he recognized him. He knew that man. Cougar's mind was trying to catch up but he couldn't figure out why the Engineer was there. The odds of that were as low as Cougar finding salvation.
Distantly, Cougar wondered if this was another one of the Engineer's miracles.
Cougar didn't shoot. He knew he could have, but the tension in the air — the soundless whisper of hold on — had finally silenced. His hand might be trembling but the world was crystal clear again. His heartbeats echoed in his chest, fluttering and uncertain.
Was this what he had been waiting for?
"Uncle Jake?"
Cougar reacted to the movement rather than the sound, his gun snapping to aim at the other target. It was much smaller and to Cougar's horror he realized that it was a child — a girl, with a purple cap on her head and eyes as blue as sky.
The Engineer moved into the line of fire at the same time as Cougar angled his gun away. His throat was tight with panic; the knowledge of what he could have done a bitter taste at the back of his tongue.
Never again — not if Cougar could help it.
He dropped the gun and pushed it across the floor, towards the Engineer. If Cougar would get shot for surrendering, then so be it. He was already dying but that young girl had her whole life ahead of her — Cougar was not going to be the one to ruin it.
Relief settled over Cougar as soon as the gun was out of his reach. Whatever happened now was not up to him. He would usually insist on having control, but despite how vulnerable it made him, he didn't mind handing over the responsibility to the Engineer. Let him decide.
Cougar slumped back against the wall, gritting his teeth against the sharp lash of pain. Moving was an increasingly bad idea. He closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on breathing through the dull throb in his side. He still didn't want to die, but he couldn't deny that he would welcome it, simply because it would make the pain go away.
The Engineer said something to the girl but Cougar didn't bother to translate the words. English was still troublesome from time to time.
When he heard the rustle of movement he opened his eyes, meeting that bright blue gaze. The girl was clinging to the Engineer and Cougar wondered if they were father and daughter. They certainly looked related. Cougar was grateful he hadn't accidentally shot one or both of them.
"Is there anyone left besides you?" the Engineer asked, the question echoing in the barren room. The man seemed unsettled, but his voice was firm.
Cougar shook his head, once he managed to make sense of the words.
The Engineer turned back to the girl and started talking too low and fast for Cougar to overhear. The only thing he managed to catch was the girl's name, and that the Engineer was asking her to leave. Maybe Cougar should have felt worried about that, since it could mean that the Engineer intended to kill him but didn't want her to watch. Cougar couldn't gather up the energy to care. As long as the girl — Beth, his mind whispered — didn't have to witness it, he was fine.
The two spoke for a while before Beth agreed. Cougar watched as the Engineer gently ushered her towards the still-open door. The man was so gentle, as if he expected to hurt her if he wasn't careful. Cougar felt a small smile spread on his lips. Seeing the tall, broad-shouldered Engineer and the small girl, framed by the doorway and bathed in bright light was a beautiful sight — Cougar wouldn't mind if it turned out to be one of his last.
The kiss the Engineer placed on Beth's cheek made a lump of longing lodge in Cougar's throat. He had almost forgotten what tenderness looked like after so many years with Raiders.
He closed his eyes, shutting out the intimate scene he clearly wasn't meant to see. He had no place in their world — it was safer to remain in his own, cold as it may be.
Cougar could feel the chilled air crawl towards him, flooding in through the open door and spreading across the floorboards. He wondered how long it would take before the cold settled into his bones and he became hypothermic enough to stop shivering.
The creak of footsteps made Cougar open his eyes. The Engineer pocketed his mittens before bending down to pick up the abandoned gun. Cougar did nothing to stop him. He merely watched as the Engineer checked and secured the gun before tucking it away.
The Engineer turned those blue, blue eyes towards Cougar, looking conflicted. Cougar knew he was being scrutinized, but did nothing to stop that either. Instead his gaze followed the rectangular squares of the Engineer's glasses, down along his pale cheekbone and the curve of his bearded jaw, before sliding along the troubled slump of his shoulders.
Cougar realized that his fate wasn't sealed yet. This man wasn't a killer. He was something else entirely — bright and fragile enough to leave Cougar breathless.
This was what innocence looked like.
Cougar had forgotten.
He still stiffened when the Engineer took the last remaining steps between them.
"Thanks for not shooting my niece," the Engineer said. "Or shooting me in front of my niece."
Cougar wasn't sure what 'niece' meant, but he figured it referred to the little girl. The Engineer was thanking him for not shooting either of them. That felt downright bizarre.
The Engineer crouched next to Cougar. They were close enough to touch, and there was something soft hiding in that blue gaze. Cougar wasn't sure what that meant.
The Engineer took a deep breath.
"I can't help but ask why you didn't, though. I mean, it's not like you haven't tried to shoot me before."
Cougar had to focus in order to translate those sentences. He didn't understand why the Engineer insisted on talking to him. The wisest thing to do — if the man couldn't stomach killing him — was to leave Cougar there to die. At this point it wouldn't even take that long.
The cold from the floor was beginning to numb his legs and Cougar twisted in discomfort, hissing softly when it jostled his side. The Engineer was still looking at him and Cougar realized that the man was waiting for an answer. There was only one Cougar could give.
"No children."
That was a difficult rule to keep as a Raider and Cougar would never forgive himself for the times when he had been unable to. The fact that he had been unwilling — years ago, when he was young and frightened — didn't matter. Those precious, innocent lives he had taken were the reason why he would never find peace.
"Really?" The Engineer sounded angry, his eyebrows rising in what could be disbelief — or disgust, more likely. He continued to speak but did so much too fast for Cougar to understand. The tone conveyed the message well enough, full of accusations and fury. The sharp gesture towards the open doorway — and the dead children lying outside — showed just what the Engineer thought of Cougar's efforts.
Cougar felt a need to defend himself, despite knowing that his conscience was far from clear.
"Not me," he gritted out. "The others."
The Engineer only seemed more frustrated by that, but also unsure of what to do next. Eventually he sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, his bare fingers scratching against his beard. The Engineer looked tired — weary in a way that should have dimmed the brightness in his eyes. Only it didn't, and Cougar wasn't entirely sure why not.
"The others. You mean like that guy?" the Engineer asked, pointing at Landon's corpse, lying in the snow just outside the door.
Landon had been their second best shot after Cougar. He should have started with Landon, but the anger had made Cougar more reckless than usual. He had killed the first two in rapid succession and the echo of the gunshots had warned Landon of what was coming — and given him time to retaliate. Cougar was still paying for that slip, with every drop of blood that spilled from between his fingers.
But Landon had also underestimated his opponent, simply because Cougar was wounded. And that was why Landon was the one flat on his back, staring unseeing at the sky, not Cougar.
"Sí," Cougar replied, nodding when he realized what language he had used. Odds were that the Engineer wasn't familiar with Spanish, but body language was universal.
"You killed one of your own."
Cougar felt himself grin at that. The Engineer was a clever one, and his shock when he realized that Cougar had turned on his fellow Raiders was quite adorable.
That word felt foreign to Cougar — few things were adorable in his world.
With some effort, Cougar was able to raise his left hand, holding up three fingers. He could see understanding dawn on the Engineer's expressive face.
"You killed three of them?"
Cougar nodded, feeling disgustingly proud.
"Because they killed the children?" the Engineer asked, voice fainter, as if the very thought made him unsettled.
Another nod was all Cougar had to offer.
"Well... that's..." The Engineer fumbled for something to say. The uncertain look on his face made him look painfully vulnerable, but also strangely alive. He cleared his throat and scratched his beard before looking into Cougar's eyes. "So that's how you got injured?"
"Sí." Cougar figured that the man knew what that meant now.
There was a beat of silence, their gazes remaining locked. Cougar felt a shiver run down his spine but decided to ignore it.
"That's very noble of you." The Engineer seemed uncertain and Cougar couldn't help scoffing. He knew what 'noble' meant and he was everything but that. To his surprise, the Engineer seemed to be holding back a smile.
Cougar wondered what that would look like — to see this man smile. No, he desperately wanted to know. His imagination probably didn't make it justice.
"Well, for a Raider," the Engineer added, the corner of his mouth angling a little higher.
Cougar knew better than to trust this man but he was reluctantly intrigued by him all the same. There was something different about the Engineer — something nameless yet overpowering — and Cougar's instincts told him to cling to it. The light he saw in those eyes was addicting.
"I'm not gonna lie — I hate you more than a little bit for what happened here," the Engineer continued, his voice hardening again. Cougar was grateful that the words were simple enough for him to understand, even if he felt shame curl in his gut. Those disarmingly blue eyes locked with his, somehow only making the guilt worse. The Engineer clenched his jaw. "I know you must have killed at least some of the people out there, and you had no right to do that. It wasn't for survival — they weren't a threat to you. We both know that."
Cougar forced himself not to avert his gaze. He wasn't proud of what he had done — he never would be — but he wasn't cowardly enough to make up excuses either. He would face the loathing head on.
The Engineer frowned, but Cougar wasn't sure what was confusing him this time. The man seemed to hesitate before he spoke next, and when he did his words were slow — soft, almost.
"You know, from where I'm standing, you've got two options."
Cougar didn't have to wait long before the Engineer continued.
"Either I leave you here to die from hypothermia or blood loss — whatever gets you first — or we work out some kind of deal where I agree to save your life, in exchange for information I know you have."
There were too many complicated words for Cougar to understand the sentence in detail, but his best guess was that the Engineer was threatening to let him die, unless Cougar gave him information. He wasn't sure what information the Engineer might want — or how exactly he intended to help Cougar.
The Engineer chuckled, even if it was strained.
"Yeah, I mean it. Not because I feel any sympathy for you, but because I know you came here, to this settlement, to find me. Your merry little band of Raiders is still hunting me, right?"
The last bit Cougar could definitely understand, but he still waited a beat before nodding. He still wasn't sure if he could trust this man, despite what his heart was telling him. Cougar was both lightheaded and in terrible pain and he couldn't be expected to make wise decisions in that state.
"Right," the Engineer mumbled. "Or at least they were before you killed off half of them."
Cougar tried to hold back his amusement but it was surprisingly difficult.
The Engineer started talking again and this time Cougar wasn't able to follow. If it was because of the blood loss or the complicated sentences was difficult to tell. He snapped up a couple of words but couldn't make sense of the context.
Only when the Engineer leaned forward, his expression urgent and intent, did Cougar understand what he was saying.
"So I want to know who sent you after me."
Cougar wasn't sure what good it would do the Engineer to know about Max. There wasn't much to tell, first of all, since Cougar had never met the man in person. And second, he was only expected to bring back an Engineer, not know the reason why Max wanted one. Cougar wasn't someone who asked unnecessary questions and had intended to do his job without arguing.
Well, until now, when he was looking into the honest face of the Engineer he was supposed to kidnap. Cougar knew that he wouldn't be able to — not after having seen the man with that little girl. Maybe that made him weak, but he didn't mind.
The Engineer seemed to lose his patience. That he added gestures to clarify what he was saying must mean that he was getting frustrated by the language barrier.
"I save your life, and you give me the information I want. Okay?" The Engineer pointed first at himself, then at Cougar. Those hands — bare despite the chilly air — moved with a fickle but expressive grace. Cougar had to stop himself from staring.
The Engineer rolled his eyes when Cougar didn't answer — mostly because he wasn't sure how. A sharp gesture towards the open doorway almost made Cougar flinch, and the Engineer's voice was tinged with anger when he spoke next.
"Unlike them I'm not going to ask you to hurt any children which, as far as I'm concerned, makes me a much better friend to have than the ones you've been running with lately."
Well, Cougar couldn't disagree with that.
He still felt himself hesitate. Cougar had no way of knowing if the Engineer was lying or not. He might look sincere, but Cougar was at a disadvantage. There could be loopholes in the deal — ones that he couldn't catch simply because the terms were laid out in a different language. He hadn't understood half of what the Engineer had said.
But it was true that without help he would undoubtedly die. Taking his chances with this man was Cougar's best bet.
"Fine." Cougar didn't like it — he had never enjoyed being at someone else's mercy — but there was nothing else he could do.
The Engineer grinned and pushed his glasses higher up on his nose.
"Awesome. Now, what's your name?"
Cougar hadn't been prepared for the question, but saw no reason to refuse to answer.
"Cougar."
There was a beat of silence. The expression on the Engineer's face was a mix between surprise and childish glee.
"What? Really? Like the—"
Cougar only had to raise an eyebrow to silence the rest of that sentence. The Engineer still snorted, looking entirely too amused.
"I can't imagine any parent naming their kid that, but okay. I won't pry."
Cougar's parents had nothing to do with the name he now had — it had been given to him with fear in mind, not love — but he had no intention of explaining that. He couldn't think of a single scenario where he would tell someone his real name. That was a thing of the past.
The smile on the Engineer's lips was too sharp to be friendly. Fact was, it made Cougar very uneasy.
"I'm Jake," the Engineer introduced himself. Knowing his name didn't make the smile any less unsettling. "And, Cougar?"
Jake leaned forward, his hand settling on Cougar's shoulder. There was no mistaking the unspoken threat in that simple touch.
"I'm going to take you to my home settlement to get you fixed up, so there's one thing you should know before we go, okay?" Jake spoke slower and clearer now, as if he wanted to make sure that Cougar understood. And he did — all too well. Cougar stiffened under Jake's imploring gaze, wary as the Engineer kept talking. "If you hurt me or my family — sell us out and betray us in any way — I will hunt you down and kill you. I don't care how good of a shot you are or how far you might travel, I will track you down. I will literally follow you to the end of the world if I have to, and kill you as creatively as I can possibly imagine. Okay?"
There were some words that Cougar couldn't quite grasp, but he didn't have to. The message was clear enough with the combination of Jake's hand squeezing his shoulder and that eerie smile. Jake had seemed so innocent up until then and the ruthlessness he now showed looked incredibly misplaced, but no less menacing.
Cougar didn't doubt that Jake was being absolutely serious. He might not look like a killer, but Cougar knew a thing or two about family and loyalty — and just what one might be willing to do to avenge them.
"You understand?" Jake asked, a little patronizingly.
"Sí," Cougar replied with a firm nod.
He couldn't help wincing when Jake patted his shoulder, either careless about his own strength or aiming for it to hurt. Cougar wasn't sure which of the two it might be.
"Great! Then we'll get along just fine!" Jake got to his feet and held out a hand towards Cougar. The grin that now spread on Jake's lips looked more enthusiastic than Cougar had expected. "We better get going soon, or else you might bleed out before we even make it back."
Cougar shot him a disgruntled glare but accepted the offered help, gritting his teeth when he was pulled up from the floor. Jake was as strong as he looked and the tug jostled the gunshot wound in Cougar's side.
When he saw Jake move towards the hat still lying on the floor Cougar snarled on pure reflex. Jake flinched and hastily backed away, looking startled. The surprise was soon replaced by annoyance, but he didn't try again. Jake merely watched as Cougar bent down to pick the hat up himself, even if he had to hold back a pained wince.
Cougar ignored how Jake rolled his eyes.
"Are you done?" Jake asked impatiently. He looked strangely adorable with his thick-rimmed glasses and the pink and yellow mittens he pulled out of his pocket.
"Sí," Cougar replied curtly, not bothering to hide his own indignation.
But he couldn't help that he stopped for a brief second, just to look at Jake — as if he was a riddle Cougar needed to solve.
What were the odds of them meeting here, in a slaughtered settlement that wasn't even Jake's own? Cougar was good enough with numbers to know that the chances were microscopic, at best. And up until Jake stepped in through that door, Cougar had been doomed to die. He had even given Jake his gun — had made it so easy for the Engineer to kill him — but Jake hadn't.
Jake had offered to save him instead.
Cougar's throat seized up and he tried to swallow down the complicated swirl of emotions that rose within. He knew it wasn't because of him — Jake had no personal attachment to Cougar — but the mere fact that someone was willing to try, even after what Cougar had done, was unbelievable.
A miracle in its own right.
Cougar couldn't stop staring at Jake, feeling something within him shift — no, align.
And suddenly, without even trying, he could finally identify that nameless, breathless feeling that had been at the tip of his tongue ever since he saw Jake haloed in the doorway. Cougar had almost forgotten that the word existed, and he had certainly never expected that he would find a reason to feel it again.
Hope didn't come easy to him anymore.