Chapter Text
Dimitri had never felt this way before.
“Are you alright, Dimitri?” Dedue’s voice called out, breaking Dimitri out of his stupor.
Dimitri blinked twice, lifting his head from where it had been resting on his knuckles to look up at his friend who was standing close by, eyeing him in his usual motherly manner. Dimitri nodded, and relaxed his form as best he could. “Yes, Dedue. I apologize, I was lost in thought.”
“It has been a long day. Perhaps, you are due for a break?” Dedue nudged softly with a knowing look.
Dimitri shook his head and turned back to the pile of documents that had been steadily growing since his official coronation only a month earlier. It seemed that no matter how much time he dedicated to each page, another was swift in replacing it. With his visit to Garreg Mach approaching, the workload was only going to grow. Nevertheless, that was to be expected. It had been a long time since Fodlan had been in some semblance of peace. Working with the nobles and common folk from nations that had been absorbed into Faerghus was a delicate line to walk. Each wanted resources that Dimitri wasn’t sure he had. The whole situation was honestly headache inducing.
Dimitri’s shoulder muscles jumped when Dedue gently placed his arm on his shoulder. Dimitri shot an apologetic smile up at his friend.
“Dimitri,” His friend started firmly, “Take a break. The work will still be here when you return.”
Sighing through his nose, Dimitri pulled his gaze away from the flower bouquet near the corner of his desk to meet Dedue’s eyes. “Very well.”
As Dedue and Dimitri separated for the night, Dimitri let his thoughts wander as he made his way to his bedroom chambers. It was darker than he had realized, with the corridors only being lit by candlesticks in several sconces along the stone walls. With the late hour, Dimitri didn’t pass by anyone as he walked. He was pleased to note that after a few months of the castle being inhabited by masses of people again, the structure was beginning to warm up again more readily. He had always hated how chilly the corridors were at night during his uncle’s reign.
He must’ve been more tired than he realized, for it wasn’t long until Dimitri had made it to his room. Taking little time to strip off his formal wear, Dimitri stared at the fire flickering in the well-constructed fireplace before turning to face the balcony on the other side. Light spots flickered under his eyelid as he tried to relax.
He waited and waited, listening to the fire steadily eat away at the wood. Minutes passed by as though they were hours, but Dimitri still couldn’t sleep. Dipping the heel of his palm into his good eye, Dimitri shifted to face the fireplace again, only to find embers dying away. With a small grunt he stood again, taking his time to restart the fire as he did.
Why couldn’t he sleep? He asked himself this as he methodically restarted the fires lifesource. He pressed his fingers to his eyelids as he willed himself to sleep, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t that Dimitri wasn’t tired, his body was begging him to rest. Yet it was as though his attempts only made his mind more spiteful.
Fingers ghosted along his back, tucking under his arms to press themselves against his chest-
Dimitri jerked away, blinking wearily as he looked behind himself only to see his empty bed. Letting out the breath he had been holding, Dimitri rubbed the back of his neck as he stood.
If he couldn’t sleep, he may as well work.
You had never felt this way before.
For over five years, the war on the continent of Fodlan had consumed your life and the lives of those around you. With the constant threat looming over your heads, there hadn’t been much thought towards the future. Every day was filled with the conviction to survive. To accept that things wouldn’t go back to normal after the war. And they hadn’t. Your village had still been destroyed, your family gone.
But the war was over now, so you could move on with your life.
Right?
You couldn’t sleep.
When you did manage to close your eyes for a few moments, you would startle yourself away, finding yourself unable to breath. The imprints of hands on your throat making your heart leap from your chest.
Pushing your hair from your face you stood from your bed at last. You refused to let yourself dwell on your restless dreams any longer. If you couldn’t sleep, the least you could do was honor Dimitri’s kindness in asking you to join his court as court herbalist by studying your butt off.
You slowly eased yourself into your boots, tugging an overcoat over your thick nightgown. You would have to go to the library to find more material to study, and despite the unlikelihood of you running into anyone awake at this hour, you didn’t want to risk embarrassing yourself.
As you walked down the dim lit corridor, you found your thoughts straying from their original goal of what manuscripts to read, instead focusing on someone who had been a constant presence in your mind since the war had ended.
Dimitri.
When you had first met him, lying face down in the snow, you hadn’t expected that you would end up where you were now. Much less how your relationship with him had slowly begun to shift from stranger to acquaintance. Acquaintance to friend. And now your current relationship.
Which was what?
You stopped in your tracks. What were the two of you? The last time you had even attempted to entertain the idea that you were in a somewhat romantic relationship with Dimitri, you had ended up puking in the storehouse. Granted that was because you had caught the cold running around camp -Gautier cheese was no longer a favorite of yours- but were you correct in assuming that the two of you were romantically entwined?
Lovers even?
You continued a swift pace to the library, biting at your nail bed as you spiraled mentally. You weren’t sure when it had started, but the more that time passed and the two of you interacted, the closer you and Dimitri had become.
Yes the two of you had kissed, but you would argue that your relationship hadn’t merely grown only in a physical sense.
You found yourself seeking him out to speak with when you had a spare moment. You were constantly checking up on him to make sure he hadn’t collapsed again due to his recklessness. Similarly, when you weren’t taking a break from your own studies, he would invite you to join him on a small expedition around Fhirdiad where he was currently teaching you how to ride a horse. You weren’t very good at horseback riding, and you certainly would never make it as a troubadour, but Dimitri had been patient with you nonetheless.
You enjoyed spending your time with him. Whenever you thought of him, a gooey, warm feeling would coat your insides, making a smile unintentionally cross your face. And as much as the knowledge that you had found someone to grow close to warmed your heart. It also terrified you.
Dimitri wasn’t just a simple traveler that you had ended up forming a strong bond with. He was the King of your country. Nobility. He outranked you in every way. The two of you were still figuring out where you stood with one another. But you knew how it would end.
You had to put an end to whatever thing it was going on between the two of you. If only for your heart's sake.
Dimitri found you in the library, his original goal long out of his mind when he spotted your hunched form scouring a large spread of books around you. No doubt all of them were about horticulture.
He approached you quietly enough that you never took notice of him, your eyes flickering between the pages of a text as you quickly jotted down notes. Voice barely carrying a sound between the two of you, he called your name.
You looked up at Dimitri with an owlish look on your face before ducking down to stare at your book, your eyes no longer reading the pages as you processed the new figure in the room. Staring at your flustered expression made the corners of Dimitri’s mouth rise and he had to actively smooth the expression off his face when you glanced back up at him.
A warmth settled in Dimitri’s chest as he observed the flush on your face. You had always been an inquisitive and thought-provoking mind he could speak with since you had first met. Yet it seemed as though ever since the two of you had kissed at Deirdru and your relationship had become more..intimate, you had developed a newfound shyness around him. As much as this new side of you made him nervous, he couldn’t help but admit to himself that he found it rather cute.
Cute enough that he found himself asking if he could sit beside you for a moment. You pressed your lips together as you stared up at him. For a moment he wondered if you were reading his mind from how intently you looked at him. If you could, you made no remarks, simply nodding and moving some of your books so he could sit.
The two of you fell into casual small talk, neither of you approaching the topic of why neither of you were currently asleep at this hour. Instead, Dimitri let you take the lead as at his request, you began to tell him about your newfound research on a concoction you and the head court herbalist had been working on to improve the taste of medicine.
Dimitri found his visible eye fluttering shut as you spoke. Not for a lack of interest, but he found your voice to be more soothing than he expected. His chin soon rested on the palm of his hand where he had propped himself up on the table facing you.
He lurched forward, his knee hitting the table when you touched his shoulder.
“I’m sorry-”
“No, I apologize. It was extremely rude of me to-”
“Dimitri.” You cut him off. “It’s okay.” You said with a laugh. Letting your arm rest on his shoulder for a moment as the two of you locked eyes.
The two of you stared at each other for a moment before you blinked, an emotion he couldn’t decipher crossing your face before you pulled your arm away. A frown now present on your face.
“What’s wrong?” Dimitri found himself asking immediately.
Your eyes flickered between his visible eyeball and covered eye before you smiled in a sadder manner than before.
“Nothing, your majesty.”
Instantly his eyebrows scrunched up together. “You know you don’t need to speak with me so formally, yes? I would’ve figured by now that you had realized so.”
“I know.” You said softly, turning your body away from Dimitri to stare down at the book in front of you. “I…I should get back to studying.”
The two of you sat in silence for a moment. Dimitri was quiet, but internally his mind was racing. What had he said exactly to put you off? Was it because he had started to fall asleep while you were talking? No, you had reassured him right after that you weren’t mad. So what was it? He had a feeling it had something to do with your new-found bond.
He found that he couldn’t think of an exact answer as he stared at your form. All he knew is that he wished he knew how to make it right. “I’ll excuse myself.” He said softly at last. “Please get some rest when you can.”
“Thank you.” You said, voice barely a whisper. You didn’t turn to face him. “Same to you.”
Dimitri stared at you for a moment before exiting the library.
Neither of you slept that night. Instead, you mutually stared up at the ceilings of your individual bedrooms until the sunlight had begun to shine through the castle windows.
You weren’t proud to admit it. But you had begun to avoid Dimitri.
As someone you had often sought out in your free time. You hadn’t realized until you were actively stopping yourself from seeking his company how often you had integrated him into your day.
Yet, as if he knew this, Dimitri it seemed had become more persistent in speaking with you. If he wanted to, he could forcibly summon you to his office to speak with him. Yet, in typical Dimitri fashion, he was too soft-hearted to do so. Instead, you found yourself listening for his footsteps as you worked in the castle’s clinic. Taking any chance to stay busy and out of sight in case he entered, asking to speak to you.
Currently, with your back against the supply rooms wall, you listened, a large box of herbs in hand as you waited Dimitri out.
“Do you know when they will return?” He asked the court herbalist, Stahl.
“I’m not exactly sure, your majesty.” Stahl said in slight confusion. “Did they not pass you by in the hall? They just left.”
It was quiet for a moment before Dimitri spoke again. “Thank you. I apologize for disturbing you during your work.”
You closed your eyes as the door opened again, footsteps slowly retreating until you could only hear your own breath in the room.
“Oh! There you are.” The head of your department said as he opened the storage door a few minutes later. “The King was looking for you, ya know?” He said, head tilted to the side as he stared down at you curiously.
You smiled up at Stahl. “Thank you.”
“You can take a break if you want and go speak to him? You’re due for one anyways.”
Tightening your grip on your container you shook your head, a small smile on your face. “It’s okay.”
Stahl hummed, staring down at you with a discerning eye before at last shrugging and moving further into the storage house. “Whatever you say kid. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Me too.” You whispered to no one in particular.
Your luck was bound to run out soon enough. You hadn’t exactly figured out a solution to your problem besides avoiding the King of the castle you currently resided in. Which wasn’t exactly ideal. But you weren’t sure you were ready to confront your feelings just yet.
Unfortunately you had forgotten to take into account Dedue.
At the call of your name in a deep and warm bass voice, you knew that your game of cat and mouse was over. For a moment, you contemplated if you could outrun him. However, you took too long and before you knew it, Dedue was standing over your shoulder. You slowly turned to face him, hesitantly raising your gaze to meet his face.
Dedue stared down at you rather passively. “Hello Dedue.” You said sheepishly. Tightening your grip on the collection of papers in your hand that you had offered to carry to the medical wing.
He said your name again. His tone wasn’t necessarily clipped, but it was through years of knowing the man that you knew he wasn’t exactly pleased with you.
“Yes?”
“Let us take a walk.”
“I have to drop these off though?”
“Then I will join you, and we will take a walk afterwards.”
You nodded in defeat.
After finishing your errand, Dedue led you outside to one of the palace's numerous gazebos layered with maple colored leaves. You didn’t speak first. If you did, you knew you would lose this small game with Dedue.
Unfortunately for you, Dedue was a better player.
“Is there something you needed, Dedue?” You asked after several minutes, unable to stand the silence any longer.
“Why are you avoiding his majesty?” He asked. Straight to the point as always.
Your finger drew patterns on the marble countertop. “I’m not necessarily avoiding him.”
“We knew you were in the storage room the other day. Yet he insisted we not push you.”
The two of you sat in silence again. You stared down at your hands clenched tightly together in your lap.
Dedue said your name again, more softly this time, but you didn’t let him continue.
“Dedue, are you ever afraid of what the future holds?”
He didn’t immediately answer so you continued to speak.
“I can’t help but think of the future now that the war is officially over. For over five years, all that was on my mind was the war. It was all I could think about. And now…I’m just supposed to move away from that? After everything that’s happened. After all the people that have died or had their lives ruined,” You looked up at him. Dedue’s face was neutral as you continued. “I don’t know if I deserve to look forward to the future.”
Dedue reached across the gazebo’s table to grasp your hand. “We have to push ourselves to look towards the future. It is the only way for us to grow from our pasts. Even if we do not feel that we are deserving of it. We owe it to those that no longer have the option.”
Your trembling hand tightened around his hand. “I’m afraid.”
His other hand moved to cover both of yours, grasping them firmly. A gentle look in his eyes. “You can be afraid. But don’t let it stop you from seeking your own happiness.”
With the planned journey to the monastery growing closer than anticipated, Dimitri found an excellent reason to bury himself into his work. It was only through Mercedes and Dedue’s incessant nudges that Dimitri even moved to retire to his personal quarters.
It was one such night that Dimitri was surprised to see you walking down the same corridor as him. Both of you paused as you made eye contact. A look of surprise crossed your face, but you didn’t look away. Instead it was Dimitri who turned away, unsure if he should make eye contact with you. Unsure if he should continue to be courteous to your current feelings towards him.
“Dimitri?” He looked up at you, surprised to find you now standing a few feet in front of him.
He said your name solemnly. He wondered what it was you were going to say. He knew that you had spoken to Dedue, for the man had told him as much. However, what it was the two of you had spoken about was still a mystery to him.
“Would you like to take a walk with me to the library?” You asked, voice coming out unsure.
Dimitri paused for a moment, surprised at your question. However, he quickly recovered and nodded once.
With the late hour, no one else was in the library, and so it was up to both of you to light a section of the candlesticks along the area the two of you had last settled in the last time the two of you had spoken. Dimitri made no initiative to speak, afraid that if he did so, you would change your mind and leave.
However, his mind raced as he tried to anticipate what it was that you wanted to speak with him about. He was eager to hear your voice after not speaking for so long. Yet he was unsure if he was prepared for this conversation. What if you were officially letting him know that you were done with him?
What he hadn’t been expecting was for you to bow to him deeply and apologize. “I’m so sorry!”
Dimitri blinked. “Whatever for?”
You shifted your neck to look up at him. “It’s childish, and even more so saying it aloud. But…I’ve been avoiding you.”
Oh. “I should apologize if I did anything to make you wish to avoid me.”
You shook your head. Standing at your full height as you approached him. “No!” You shrunk as your voice carried louder than intended in the quiet room. “You shouldn’t be the one to apologize, Dimitri.”
“What are you sorry for, then if you don’t mind me asking?” He was curious to know what it was that you had been mulling over for the past week or so.
You gaped up at him. “I..I can’t tell you yet.” You continued to speak. “But I did want to apologize. I understand if you would wish for me to leave you be. I’ll even leave the castle if you would like! I’m really sorry. I was struggling with my personal feelings. I…” You paused for a moment as you looked away. “I was at war with myself I guess you could say.”
Dimitri watched you closely as you continued to speak. You were fidgeting slightly, pulling at your hair and intertwining your fingers as you spoke. Your brows furrowed and lips slightly puffy from where you had gnawed on them. He knew he should be listening more attentively to what you were saying, but it had been so long since he had spoken to you that he couldn’t help but drink in your appearance.
“You’re smiling.” You said more to yourself than him.
Dimitri touched the corners of his lips to confirm that he was indeed smiling. “My apologies, I did not-.” He started to say, covering his mouth with his hand and looking away. He was certain that you would be livid with him now. Having neglected to listen closely to the conversation at hand.
Instead you gingerly grasped his hand, pulling it away to reveal his face to you again. An inquisitive look in your eye as you peered closer at his face.
Dimitri turned further, his chin touching the shoulder away from you.
“Dimitri.” You said his name softly. “Let me see your face, please.”
He shook his head. “I’m afraid I cannot control my facial expressions right now. I’m sorry. It was not my intention to disrupt our conversation. I…I am simply glad I am getting to speak with you again.”
After a small pause he felt the soft pads of your fingertips grasp his chin, turning his head towards you again. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but the impish smile on your face hadn’t been his first guess.
Your eyes scoured his face before your smile widened. Almost as though you had found whatever answer you had been seeking on his face. “Don’t apologize. I love your smile.” You said with confidence.
The two of you stood there for a moment as Dimitri’s brain short circuited.
When brain function was restored, Dimitri opened his mouth to speak. “Thank you for everything. I don’t know who I would be if I hadn’t met you.”
Your hand grasping his cheek seemed to mold itself to his flesh. “Dimitri. I don’t know who I would be if I hadn’t met you either.” You returned his words with just as much affection. That warm gooey feeling once again in your stomach.
Neither of you pulled away. Instead, the space between the two of you grew smaller as your hands moved to his hair, and Dimitri let you guide him into a soft kiss.
Kissing you was-
Incredible. It burned him like a fire that craved more and more of you. There was no thought of anything else but you. The taste and warmth of you against him as his arms settled on the table behind you, your arms wrapping around his neck to bring him closer down to you, deepening the kiss.
As the two of you pulled apart, Dimitri pressed a short peck to the soft skin on your cheek. Dimitri smiled down at you, and you returned the expression as easily. The uncertain look in your eye that he had last seen in this very room gone.
“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I missed you.” He said solemnly, making the shy smile on your face grow.
“Always so serious.” You said amused, unable to resist cupping his face between your hands.
He nodded, aware of his bad habit of making everything around him stiff and grim. The sudden warm touch of your lips against his cheek made him flush all the way down to his toes.
“But I missed you too.” You answered. Mimicking his prior words.
The two of you resumed staring at each other while Dimitri’s brain attempted to restart. You threw him a bone, having recovered first.
“I don’t think I’ve said this to you yet, but this library is amazing. I can’t believe it’s bigger than the monastery’s.” You said, turning away from Dimitri to gaze up at the levels of bookshelves around you both.
Dimitri nodded. “It is impressive.”
“You’ll have to give me a tour sometime.” You teased, a glint in your eye as you looked at him from over your shoulder.
“You look like you could use a break.” You said, peering over at Dimitri from where he was working on several reports.
He said your name in surprise, not having heard the door open. You wiggled your fingers at him in greeting from where you stood on the other side of his bureau. Your eyes moving from his face to the vase of flowers still in bloom.
“You kept them!” You noted as you examined the flowers. “They’re still in good condition, too.”
He nodded, setting his quill down to give you his undivided attention. “You have Dedue to thank for their longevity.”
“Where is Dedue anyways?”
“He is meeting with Mercedes. She’ll be joining us on our journey to Garreg Mach to check on the repairs.”
“I’ll have to catch up with her before you all leave, then.” You hummed.
Your eyes flickered to his face, and a smile bloomed on your lips as he maintained eye contact. Slowly you crossed over to his side of the desk. Turning to face you, Dimitri was surprised to see you lean towards him. He wondered if you could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest.
“Dimitri?”
“Yes?” He answered with a slight pause.
Your fingertips gently traced the dark bags underneath his eyes. “Are you still not sleeping?”
Pulling your fingers from his face, Dimitri pressed a soft kiss to their tips before interlocking your hands together. Pride swelling in his chest at the rose dusting your cheeks. “Don’t avoid the question.” You pouted, lips pulled to the side.
He paused for a moment, but under your stern gaze he knew that he wouldn’t get away with lying. “No, I haven’t.”
You sighed, knowingly. “I figured. I know I’m not one to talk, but you should try to get some sleep.”
He hummed, letting you come closer as you examined his face for any more signs of fatigue.
When was the last time he had slept? Outside of the small catnaps he took to keep going, the last time he could recall sleeping well was shortly after Enbarr when he’d come to your room for comfort. With your smaller arms wrapped around his larger form, Dimitri wasn’t sure he had ever slept so well as then.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” You questioned in concern when he didn’t respond.
Dimitri opened his mouth for a split second before catching himself and instantly closing it. But he hadn’t been swift enough.
“What is it?” You asked seriously.
He looked away, staring at your joined hands. It was too embarrassing to even consider asking. “It’s nothing.”
You gave a small huff. “You could do to be more selfish, you know?”
Nodding, Dimitri looked back up at you, feeling uncharacteristically shy. Was it truly okay for him to ask this of you? He didn’t want you to think he had any ill intentions. “I’m selfish enough as it is.” He answered softly.
You took a bold step forward, moving to stand between his legs and unlocking your clasped hands to settle yours around his neck. He could faintly hear your heartbeat speed up from how close he was now to your chest. Hesitantly, he said your name.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?” You questioned as you mirrored the position the two of you had settled in last in Enbarr. Your hands pushed his face into your form before winding into his hair. Your cheek resting on top of his head.
Slowly with a feather light grip, Dimitri let his head fully fall forward, still too afraid to hold you to him more firmly. “No…This-this is nice.” He whispered.
The two of you stayed in that position for a while. Long enough that Dimitri’s eyes slowly began to fall shut, the warmth from your body and smell of you pulling him into a heavy daze.
Dimitri hadn’t realized that he had fallen asleep until he startled himself away. Instinctively you pulled away, cautious to not overstimulate him. Blearily, Dimitri blinked as he looked at his surroundings. He was still in his office with you. However, sometime in the process of him relaxing to waking up, the sun had gone down.
Lethargically he blinked up at you, realizing that you had asked him a question. When he asked you to repeat yourself, you pushed his bangs from his face as you repeated the question. “Are you ready to go to bed? I’m kind of worried you’ll fall asleep in the halls if I leave you be, and I’m not strong enough to carry you myself.”
He simply nodded. Suddenly too exhausted to argue with you. You let out a soft yawn yourself as you helped him organize his paperwork before leading him out of the office space.
It took longer than usual for him to get to his room. Perhaps if he was more coherent he would’ve been embarrassed at how you were leading him along as though he were a small child. But…it had been so long since he had last felt comfortable enough to let his guard down and rest, and his body was taking full advantage of his momentary weakness.
“You’re really tuckered out, hm?” You said more to yourself than him.
“I apologize.” He said. “It was not my intention to burden you.”
“Oh hush.” You interrupted him, helping him into his room. “That’s what friends are for, silly.”
Dimitri stared down at you. Friends?
Feeling his stare, you met his gaze with a confused look. “Something wrong?”
“You called us friends.” He stated neutrally.
He should’ve quieted himself. But in his lethargic delusion, he let himself speak openly.
“Aren’t we?” You questioned.
“Yes.” He said shortly.
“Then what’s the problem?” Your voice expressed your confusion. And yet he could detect a small hint of defensiveness. A tremble.
The door closed, the fireplace full of freshly cooked logs, Dimitri stared down at you intently, a burning sensation in his gut that he was unaccustomed to. You called his name when he didn’t answer.
Looking you over once, Dimitri dipped down and pressed his lips against you.
Your body stiffened for a moment, but it didn’t take long for you to relax. Your arms resting on his chest, fingers digging into his blue wool shirt.
Heart thumping in Dimitri’s chest, his head turned, and he slotted your lips together to deepen the kiss. A noise escaped your mouth as he did so.
Coming up for air, his lips broke away from yours for a moment to press a kiss to your jaw. “Do your friends kiss you like this?” He questioned softly, murmuring his question against the skin of your jaw.
You let out a short breath, hands tightening their grip on his shirt. “No?” You answered breathlessly. A flustered look on your face.
Staring intently into your eyes, Dimitri waited for you to stop him, but if anything, you pressed closer to him. Melding the front of your body to his as your arms wound around his, pulling his hands around your waist so he would hold onto you as you did him. When his hands didn’t retreat, you let out a gentle sigh and rested your forehead against the junction of his neck.
“What about this kiss?” He questioned again, gently tilting your chin to slot your lips together again. You relaxed even further into his grip, letting Dimitri lead the two of you to his bed. His hands were slow and hesitant as they gingerly traced your form.
When your lips parted again, both of you breathing heavily, your eyes stayed shut as you collected yourself. Dimitri couldn’t help but stare at your swollen bruised lips before moving to place another delicate kiss to the corner of your mouth, making you smile.
“I’m not sure, I think I need another, just to make sure.” You answered breathlessly as you peeked up at him from your eyelashes.
The two of you smiled at the other as Dimitri tilted his head down to press your lips together and this time you met him in the middle.