Chapter Text
April 17, 2021
Dean
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I don’t know where I’m supposed to go, or who to see. I don’t have any cash, and I can’t find my wallet. I’m suspecting that when Jack pulled me from the Empty, that he didn't anticipate that I would need identification or a credit card. I’ll have to summon him, or pray, but he won’t answer me, not tonight, anyway.
The owner of a motel in Statesboro allowed me to stay as long as I needed, as long as I helped her strip sheets from the beds in all of the rooms. The buffet across town has an all-day special, and some of what I make extra from the motel, I put towards food for the day. I don’t need it, but I’d like to have coffee that doesn't taste like it came from a machine on its last leg. The rest of my money, I’m planning to save for a vehicle. I can fly, though I haven’t tried.
I found this journal outside of a bookstore, a forgotten purchase that no one retrieved. One day, if I ever see you again, I’ll give it to you, and I’ll let you read the words that I’ve longed to say to you, since the moment we met.
Angels are spoken of as creatures of love, but you know that's far from the truth. We’re wrathful, and vengeful, and driven to fulfill our mission. When I met you, I saw you as a means to an end. I didn't realize how human you were, and how much of the human experience you embodied. Your childhood was stolen from you, and you spent your life searching for meaning with the hand that you were dealt.
I wonder, sometimes, if you were to come back in the next life, if you’d do it all over again, or if your life would be rich with love. I would certainly hope for your benefit, that you would get to feel the sun on your face, the grass between your toes, the chill of an early fall. You deserve so much more than you were given, and you deserve to be loved by those around you, and to be able to return that love.
In every universe, I would find you, the minute I could. I would choose to grow old with you again, and love you until the cycle repeats. You may choose someone else. You may grow tired of me. You may suffer an untimely demise. Each time, I’d be willing to embrace the pain, because for a fleeting moment, I knew you, and I loved you.
But that won’t happen. Because right here, right now, we exist, and we’re alive. One day, we’ll meet again, and I’ll hold you, and I’ll love you as you should be loved. I won’t hide, not any longer, not since I’ve been allowed this second chance.
When it comes time, I’ll find you again. If you come across my path before then, then I’ll embrace the opportunity that I’ve been given. Until then, I need to see the world for myself, and I need to see just what made you who you are today. No matter how mundane, no matter how long it takes, I intend to see for myself.
I love you.
Death will not stop me. Your memory will keep me going.
I will return to you again.
Castiel