Chapter Text
"Blackbird"
Nina Simone
Why you wanna fly, Blackbird?
You ain't ever gonna fly
Why you wanna fly, Blackbird?
You ain't ever gonna fly
No place big enough for holding
All the tears you're gonna cry
Cause your mama's name was Lonely
And your daddy's name was Pain
And they call you Little Sorrow
Cause you'll never love again
You ain't got no one to hold you
You ain't got no one to care
If you'd only understand, dear
Nobody wants you anywhere
So why you wanna fly, Blackbird?
You ain't ever gonna fly
Why you wanna fly, Blackbird?
You ain't ever gonna fly
February 5, 1999
Las Vegas, Nevada
The first talent show Felicity was in she lost.
Or rather she got first runner-up. Which in Donna Kuttler's eyes, is essentially the same thing.
She still remembers a lot from that day. How nervous and excited she felt. Baby pterodactyls flying around her belly, the mild headache from the beautiful and intricate crown of braids her neighbor Dinah had woven her untamable hair into the night before, and the bright butterfly pins she'd talked her mother into buying months ago.
It had rained off and on all day so the Vegas air was humid and gross and her hair was already starting to curl back on itself, but the braid held strong .
When they arrive at the auditorium of the private school across town, Felicity is placed in a lineup of seven other girls in the shiniest and brightest of getups she'd ever seen. They make her plain sundress and boots seem wildly out of place. Their talents range from tap dancing and hula hooping to a violinist and a girl singing 'Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy'.
And then there's her. Singing her father's favorite song 'Blackbird' by Nina Simone. She doesn't totally understand the words, but she feels them.
And pterodactyls be damned, she knows she kills it. She can see it in the surprise on the faces of the judges and Dinah front row in the audience. And she can feel it in the hug her mother gives her when she gets off stage. Warm and tight, smelling of flowers and faintly of the Marlboro's she sneaks when they're behind on a bill.
The hula hooping ballerina gets second runner-up. The tap dancing sailor takes first.
In all honesty, Felicity was seriously just excited to get her first award for singing. A small golden woman with wings on a pedestal. And even though she's in second, her applause is the loudest of the three girls, and she thinks her cheeks may burst from how big her smile is, until she sees her mother's face in the audience.
Before she knows, her mother is angrily forcing her way to the front and urging her off stage, to her embarrassment. She has to jog to keep up with her by the time they make it outside.
"That girl was a rhythm-less idiot. And fucking hula hooping? This is bullshit!" The backseat door is sticking as usual, and Donna lets most of her frustration out trying to jiggle it open. When it finally pops she throws her bag in the back and takes a few breaths before turning around to see her daughter fighting tears clutching her trophy.
"Trash it." She says calmly, kneeling in front of Felicity. "Go on, throw it away."
"Why mom?" She asks clutching her winnings with both hands.
"Do you want to be a runner-up, or do you want to be a winner?" She asks, looking straight into her eyes.
Felicity deliberates on the question for a moment. She earned this. How is she not a winner?
Knowing exactly what Felicity is thinking, Donna gently cups her cheek, "It’s a consolation prize baby girl and we're better than that. You were better than that hopping ninny." Edge creeping back in her voice when she brings up the other girl.
Donna stands up, and taking one last look at the golden woman and her shiny face Felicity drops her on the ground of the parking lot. The woman pops off her pedestal as soon as she hits the ground.
Her mother pats her head and quickly walks to the driver's side of the car. Felicity's eyes stay on the woman as they peel out of the parking lot until she can't see her.
Her father leaves them two weeks later. Felicity tries not to see a correlation.