Work Text:
It’s okay, Hajime. Just try again.
He sighed, trying to calm his breathing, and looked up at his tired reflection in the practice room's mirror. His hair's been getting longer, which doesn't make him very happy. He's been meaning to cut it, and decides he'll ask Tomoya-kun again after practice. They're second years now, he should be allowed to right? Not if you can't fix this. it's all you have left . His face was red and his eyes wide; an image he'd long since grown tired of.
Just... Try again. It's just a mistake. Everything's fine.
He closed his eyes and inhaled, straightened his back, and started his usual voice lessons. Singing was something he knew he could do- something he'd always been praised for. It's the only reason you're here.
But it happened again. His voice cracked before he could even hit an A. This isn't what he's supposed to sound like. This isn't the voice everyone loves. It's been almost a whole month since it started but it won’t go away... And he can't hide it now... A-And they have a live soon... Everyone's going to be disappointed in me. I can't be an idol anymore... They were all going to leave him. All his precious friends from school wouldn't look at him kindly anymore. He'd have to tell his family... They'd be so sad...
His breathing began to quicken and he became a bit dizzy. A sensation he hasn't felt in a while.
I... can't be with Mitsuru-kun and Tomoya-kun anymore... I don't want to ruin their dreams too...
He began to weep softly, all these thoughts pressing on his pounding head, until his vision became a little too dim for comfort. He lowered his trembling body to the floor and gripped his arms, trying to think of absolutely anything else. His soft cries turned into hiccuped sobs, and as soon as he realized he was having trouble breathing, his vision went completely black.
- * -
Tomoya said he'd be late to practice. He had a lot of club stuff to take care of, his friends knew that, and they didn't mind. However, he wasn't expecting Mitsuru to have to leave early. None of them ever skipped practice, so it had to be a family emergency or something. Mitsuru said not to worry, but that of course didn't stop Tomoya from worrying anyway. He silently hoped for the best, and continued on to the practice room, where he knew Hajime would be waiting for him.
He's been acting a little weird, Tomoya noticed. Not talking much. Hajime’s been wearing that face lately. The one he had when I first met him... I hope he's not getting bullied again . God, Tomoya wouldn't be able to hold himself back if he found out Hajime was being bullied again. Hajime is so kind to everyone... He's always been so kind... He doesn't deserve to wear that look on his face.
Tomoya decided he would try to talk to him today. It'd just be the two of them, and there were some other things Tomoya's been meaning to talk to Hajime about, anyway. Yeah, you say that every time, don't you?
He reached the practice room and stretched his hand out to open the door, a little faster than he would've liked to. He expected a small, soft, familiar "Ah~! Good afternoon, Tomoya-kun..! " to greet him, but Tomoya didn't hear any such comfort.
"Oh, he's not here yet I gue-" his words were cut short as his heart began to race.
Hajime was there- but he wasn't smiling or singing or speaking his usual kind words... He was draped across the floor like a rag doll someone had thrown to the side, his light hair covering his face. He wasn’t moving. Tomoya’s breathing wasn’t usually this ragged every other time Hajime fainted, there was something strange here. Hajime was just in the practice room… No one else was here to scare him, he wasn’t running, and he hasn’t fainted from over exerting himself in almost a full year.
Tomoya took a step forward. He’s okay. He’s probably just tired.
Tomoya tried to watch Hajime’s breath. He couldn’t tell if his chest was moving.
Tomoya almost ran to kneel down at his dear friend’s side. He gently turned Hajime over to place his head in his lap, lightly holding his face upwards.
“H-Hajime..?” he called, trying to control his own breathing. Something was wrong. Tomoya didn’t know how long Hajime was out but it’s already been too long for comfort. Tomoya took his trembling hand and brought it up to Hajime’s face; he thought for a moment about how smooth and soft his hair was as he brushed it away. Hajime’s face was white as ice- cold as ice too. His cheeks were slick and shiny with dried tears. He was crying…? What happened..?
“Hajime?!” he called again, gripping his friend in both his arms, trying not to let himself cry. He needs to do something. Right now.
He tried to stand, Hajime still in his arms, but his legs wouldn’t stop shaking. No… No no please… Please move I... He didn’t want to think about what could happen if he couldn’t get Hajime help. If he couldn’t see his warm smile or soft lavender eyes looking up at him or-
No.. No he was going to get Hajime to the nurse if it’s the last thing he would do.
- * -
‘ “I told you, he’s fine, Mashiro. I know you’re worried, you always are. He’s stable, and that’s all I know. You should also call his parents if he’s not up by the time it gets dark. You can ask him what happened when he wakes up. You’re a leader now, Mashiro. Things like this happen. Talk to him.’
Sagami Sensei never said any very nurse-like things. He left Tomoya to sit in the nurse’s office with little reassurance. It’s okay though, because he was there with Hajime, who is breathing. Still unconscious, but breathing.
Tomoya looked up and out the window, silently watching the trees dance around. It’s been about an hour since Sagami Senseii left them alone, so Tomoya had a lot of time to think for himself. He thought about his unit, and everything they’ve all been through since their Nii-chan graduated. He was genuinely proud to call himself their leader. It’s something he thought about a lot- how thankful he is to have met these wonderful friends. He thought about Hajime, and all the things he’s been meaning to say to him for months… His stomach began to cramp again.
Is this what being anxious is? Does he really feel this all the time?
Tomoya wanted Hajime to wake up. He wanted to talk to him, hear his familiar voice say his name and… It really did always make Tomoya feel at home.
He smiled to himself and continued watching the trees, the light outside changing from a light blue to a soft orange. He was about to start humming when he heard the sheets of the cot move suddenly. He glanced over to where Hajime was lying, and saw that those bright lavender eyes were open, calmly glancing back.
Tomoya smiled wider, and excitedly leaned from where he was sitting at the foot of the bed over to his friend.
“H-Hajime…! I’m so glad you’re okay! What happened-?!” He shouted a little too quickly. He should’ve let Hajime collect his thoughts first- Let him remember what happened or at least realize where he was. Hajime didn’t reply though. His eyes looked so forlorn to Tomoya… His face creased in a familiar way and Hajime turned to the side so he wasn’t facing Tomoya.
“…Hajime?”
Hajime began to cry. Tomoya was no longer relieved.
“I’m sorry…” Tomoya heard behind broken sobs. “I’m so sorry Tomoya-kun… I.. I really… I really am so sorry…”
Tomoya crawled over to sit beside Hajime, and Hajime responded by turning himself around and wrapping his arms around Tomoya’s waist. He began to cry again. He was shaking. Tomoya almost forgot how strong Hajime was, but he didn’t mind; he welcomed the embrace and placed one of his own hands around Hajime’s back, and let the other hold his head. He ran his fingers through Hajime’s hair, and let his friend cry. Your hair’s always so soft, Hajime… The color is so relaxing too… He leaned closer into Hajime, and used his other arm to lightly rub circles on his back. Just holding you, Hajime… Makes me feel so safe, you know?
Hajime’s sobs slowly turned to whimpers, and when he ran out of tears, he sat up to face Tomoya
.
“Hajime, really you… Don’t have to apologize for any of this… Really…” Tomoya spoke, offering a sincere smile.
Hajime looked to the side, avoiding Tomoya’s eyes, and shook his head slowly. “No, Tomoya-kun… It’s… I…” He looked ready to cry again.
“You don’t need to talk about what happened if you really don’t want to, but I need to know if you’re okay. If anything is bothering you at all, please know I’m here to help in any way I can. You know that, don’t you?” He reached his hand forward to grasp Hajime’s, hoping Hajime would let him. He always did.
Hajime’s fingers trembled in Tomoya’s hands. “I… I know, Tomoya-kun… But I... “ His eyes began to water again. “I can’t… Do anything anymore… M-My voice is changing and I can’t fix it… I can’t sing anymore, Tomoya-kun..! I still can’t dance well enough to make up for that… I don’t know how to fix it… No matter how hard I try people are still just gonna see me as ‘the cute one’ and… What’ll happen if that changes too?! I… I’m scared… Tomoya-kun I don’t want to be alone again! Please don’t leave me… I’m sorry… I still want to try… But I’m so scared, Tomoya-kun…”
“Hajime…” God, if only you could see what I see in you…
Tomoya couldn’t think of anything to say at first. Hearing someone he cared so much about say something like that…
“You know, I… I’ve never been particularly good at anything. I don’t even have a pretty face to begin with.” Of course he started with the absolute worst possible thing. No, Hajime is worth so, so much more than what he looks like.
“Listen to me, Hajime” He starts over. “We… The three of us… Have made it so far. We’ve done so many things we didn’t think could ever be possible. We really… Couldn’t have done it without you. You’re so much stronger than you think, Hajime. You’re kind and brave and you work so, so hard for all of us. If I could be even a little bit of the kind of person you are I… I mean I’ve never been much of anything but I… Hajime, as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been the kind of person to give up. ‘All we can do is try our very best’, right? Honestly, I don’t care what you sound like. I don’t want to be doing this if you’re not by my side.” He really meant that, too. “Don’t worry about it right now, Hajime. The same thing happened to Nii-chan, remember? We just have to keep trying, like we always do. Me and Mitsuru will stay by your side. There’s no telling how far the three of us can go.” It was mostly stuff he thought about to himself, but it felt good to say out loud, especially to someone who needed to hear it.
Without replying, Hajime embraced Tomoya again. Leaning his head on Tomoya’s shoulder, he began to sob into his chest. “Y-You always take such good care of me, Tomoya-kun… Please don’t forget how wonderful you are. I…” His voice cracked slightly, and he hiccupped. “One day, I…” He tried to continue, “I’m gonna get you to believe me. You’ve always been amazing, Tomoya-kun.”
Tomoya again returned the embrace, leaning his head into Hajime’s. He almost felt like he might start crying as well. There was something about the way he said that… It was something Hajime has definitely said to him before, but for some reason, in this vulnerable state, it sounded like something Tomoya could almost believe.
They sat like that for a few moments. Tomoya didn’t remember the last time he felt so warm.
“Hajime,” he spoke suddenly, yet softly. “You know… I… If i could take all the pain and sorrow you feel and… Carry that burden for you, please know that I’d do it in a heartbeat. You deserve nothing but happiness and a good night’s sleep. And you know… It’s okay to be scared right now. It’s okay to be nervous. I know you won’t give up. That’s… Something I’ve always admired about you, you know? You’re a strong person… But it’s okay if you can’t be right now. I’ll be here do everything I can. I know it hurts… To feel like that.” I’ve seen you cry in your sleep. I’ve heard you say so many awful things about yourself. I’m so, so sorry it took me this long to realize what I needed to say to you. “And… And it hurts, not knowing how to make you happy. Because you always make me so, so happy Hajime. You make me feel like sometimes I can be proud of who I am and I want - I need to return these feelings. I need you to know how important you are to me. You make me feel like I’m a real person, Hajime.”
Those were words he’d been meaning to say for a long, long while. Something that just felt so right to finally say. He didn’t need a reply. Tomoya just needed Hajime to believe him.
But he did get a reply. It was soft, slightly muffled, and filled with choked hiccups.
“But you do make me happy, Tomoya-kun…!” Hajime spoke without lifting his head. “You make me so much more happy then I ever thought I could be… When I’m with you I feel like I can belong somewhere… You always take such good care of me… I don’t know where I’d be without you, Tomoya-kun.” He gripped the back of Tomoya’s shirt a little tighter, and continued, trying to calm his voice. “You make me feel like I can do things I never would’ve imagined. You’re so much more than just my best friend, Tomoya-kun… My heart feels so full around you and seeing your bright smile puts me at so much ease and I… I’m so happy I got to meet you, Tomoya-kun.” He always spoke with so much kindness in his voice.
Tomoya reached down and tried to wipe Hajime’s cheek, but the boy really didn’t want to let go of Tomoya’s waist.
“You don’t have to cry, Hajime,” he said with a smile. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here as long as I can, I promise you that. Hajime, you… You existing as you are is something I live for, you know?” He’s probably said that before. It was the truth, after all. “Please, though… You don’t have to cry alone anymore. Please, please tell me your worries. I want to share them with you.” Even though there’s things I need to say too… I… I think that can wait a bit longer.
Hajime pulled away suddenly, and for the first time since he woke up, looked Tomoya in the eyes. Hajime’s eyes were just as bright as ever… A little puffy and very wet, but still so soft and kind…
“Tomoya-kun… If you want to listen, there’s something I. I think I need to tell you. Before… Before anything else happens. I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness like this… But I’m tired and I’ve… Been keeping it a secret for so long…” Tomoya felt Hajime begin to tremble again- he could almost feel his heartbeat in his the hands he was still holding.
“Y-yeah, please, if you can.” He suddenly couldn’t tell which was stronger; Hajime’s heartbeat in his hands, or his own heartbeat pounding in his chest. He gripped Hajime’s hand tighter, as if he’d lose him if he let go even a little bit.
“I… I don’t know… I don’t know what’ll happen after this, but I know I need to tell you. And after everything you’ve said to me… I don’t want to scare you away and I… I can’t lose you, Tomoya-kun..!” Hajime pulled up one of his own hands to wipe his eyes but continued, his voice still breaking in some parts. “I’ve been feeling this for so, so long but I couldn’t say anything because I’m so afraid of losing you and… Especially not now… Please, please don’t leave me…” He lowered his head slowly, breaking the gaze as if he was waiting for Tomoya to reply.
Tomoya brought up his free hand and pushed a long strand of soft hair behind Hajime’s ear. “I mean it, Hajime,” he spoke sincerely. “Nothing you could ever possibly say would make me want to be with you any less. Absolutely nothing could convince me to abandon you. Please always remember that.”
Hajime replies with a few nods and tries to look back up at Tomoya. He sniffles a few times and starts “I-I… I don’t remember when I started feeling like this but sometimes when I hold your hand I feel like… I don’t know… my heart beats really fast and… All I know is i don’t want to stop holding your hand… But sometimes… I imagine you and me holding hands but then… Then you k-kiss me like they do in movies… And I… I’m sorry I… I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I feel… It’s something I’ve never felt before with anyone else but I… I know I want you to kiss me and hold me and tell me you feel the same… Is that selfish of me..? To want that? I understand if you don’t want to think about it you just… You make me so happy, Tomoya-kun.” Hajime laughed a little, very slightly. Tomoya hadn’t seen him smile like that in far too long. “You make me feel whole, Tomoya-kun. And even if you never feel the same about me I really… Wanted you to know”.
“Hajime…”
“I’m sorry…”
“Hajime, let me kiss you.”
“Wh-what..?”
“Please, Hajime.”
“D-don’t play with my feelings, Tomoya-kun… It’s not funny…”
“I’m not trying to be funny, I-” He was speaking a little too fast. This was it. This is what he’s been trying to say for… Who knows how long. “I read a lot of romance, you know. Lots of stories for drama. We do a lot of plays with gallant princes and heroes and their special someone they’d risk absolutely anything for. And whenever I read them I’d always like to imagine myself as the brave hero, but you… You were always the person the hero would risk everything to rescue because… They always fall in love at the end- The hero and their special someone. I don’t know a lot about love Hajime but whatever this feeling is I think it might be close. Because I’ve wanted nothing more for the past… God I don’t know how long… For you to fall in love with me too. And if it’s okay, I-”
“P-please kiss me, Tomoya-kun.”
“So… So you think that’s what this feeling is too?”
“Please.”
Tomoya leaned forward slightly, almost scared. It’s something he’d always hoped would happen, and apparently something Hajime has longed for as well. Tomoya almost laughed, he was suddenly so unbearably happy. To love and to be loved was something he never thought he’d be able to feel.
“Okay, Hajime.” he breathed softly before pressing their lips together.
He missed slightly, which was okay. Hajime tasted like tears and a faint hint of a familiar tea.
They sat like that for a short time, and when they pulled away, both of them had small tears in their eyes.
“I…” Hajime smiled, wiping his face again. “I don’t remember the last time I was so happy, Tomoya-kun.”
“Me too, Hajime.”
There was a lot of stuff they had to talk about. Relationships and what to do next and what to tell everyone (if they do actually tell anyone); but for that moment, they decided to relish in this quiet happiness. Tomoya pulled Hajime close to him, and they both watched the trees through the window, the bright orange sky turning darker shades of the evening.
Things were going to be okay.