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Alec hated the woods. His entire body ached like he and Jace had been walking continuously for days when it had only really been a few hours. Of course, the whole ordeal may have been more tolerable if Alec had actually given in to any of Jace’s attempts to start a conversation (even the one which had begun with “why the hell are bras so hard to take off and how do girls even put them on in the first place?”) rather than reply with reluctant grunts. But Alec didn’t feel like talking right now. Or ever. The whole process of opening his mouth and thinking of something worthwhile to say just seemed like a feat so exhausting that even the thought of conversation made him want to fall to the floor and wrap himself in a painful blanket of dead leaves and dried sticks.
The only thing he could think about was Magnus. The way Magnus had looked at him in a way that Alec never wanted Magnus to look at him. The lack of anger and excess of disappointment and pure resignation that had filled Magnus’s eyes made Alec terrified of ever looking at Magnus again for fear that he would see that look again. Alec had screwed up. This was so much worse than the time years ago when Alec had almost kissed Jace while his parabatai had pinned him down in a training session (though if he went back in time, his fourteen year old self would never believe him). Alec knew Magnus had full right to dump him after what Alec had done, but the whole thing still hurt like a permanent bruise and it was fucking with his concentration.
They were supposed to be hunting a Ravener they had spotted in a tiny Brooklyn alleyway but the stupid fucker had lead them into the New Jersey woods where it was playing fucking hide and seek. Alec was beginning to regret ever following the demon. He’d only done it because the alternative was locking himself inside his room at the institute with a bottle of vodka and maybe a pitying Izzy knocking on his door, trying to coax out of his miserable little den.
Not looking where he was going, Alec’s foot caught on a root for what must have been the fourth time that night and he almost went down on his face before Jace caught him, laughing.
“Shut up, Jace,” Alec muttered, yanking his arm out of Jace’s grasp and brushing it off.
“I’m sorry, I can’t really ‘shut up’ because I’ve had no one else to talk to for the last three hours,” Jace said, smirking.
Alec rolled his eyes and said, “I don’t see the problem. It’s not like you ever get tired of hearing your own voice.”
An expression of mock hurt crossed Jace’s face and he put a dramatic hand to his chest, saying, “You wound me, good sir!”
Alec just turned away, sighing, his fingers twitching as he restrained himself from pulling out his phone to check for a text he knew wouldn’t be there from a person he knew would probably never text him again.
He picked aimlessly at his nails, looking up just in time to see the Ravener behind Jace, it’s black mouth emerging from the darkness, teeth dripping with acid hot venom.
“Jace, look out!” Alec yelled.
Jace whirled around, grabbing for a seraph blade but Alec knew there wouldn’t be enough time. He ran toward Jace, grabbing an arrow from his quiver and pushed Jace violently out of the way. Alec flung himself to ground under the demon, drew his arm back and let the arrow fly into what was hopefully the demon’s heart. He felt a dull ache at his side and realized he probably fell on a rock or something, but didn’t have time to dwell on the pain because the Ravener wasn’t actually dead.
Alec began to scramble to his feet but Jace was already in front of him with a blazing seraph blade, stabbing the damn thing until it exploded in a shower of ichor and guts. For a few moments, they both stood, panting, staring at the place where the demon had been a few seconds ago.
And then Jace said, “What the hell, Alec?”
“I think what you mean to say was “thank you, Alec, for saving my life. I’m forever indebted to you,”” Alec responded, raising his voice several octaves for emphasis.
“Asshole,” Jace said, though not without a hind of fondness, “You could have been killed.”
Alec just shrugged.
Jace sighed, muttering, “And they call me the reckless one. You planning on sitting there all night or can we go home?”
Alec hadn’t even realized that he was still on the floor, his bow in his hands. Sighing, he slung his bow behind his back and attempted to stand up. His vision blurred as the pain in his side seemed to pulse and then spread to his entire body. The world shattered into a collage of sparkling black spots that reminded him vaguely of Magnus’s glittery, blue magic before he heard someone calling his names.
“Alec?” Jace asked, all traces of humor gone from his voice. “What’s wrong?”
Gingerly, Alec let his fingers brush his side. They came away red and sticky with blood. “Shit,” he muttered. “It bit me.”
Jace dropped into a crouch beside Alec, slicing open Alec’s gear to see the injury properly.
“I can heal the bite with an iratze but we need to get you to the Institute to get rid of the poison,” Jace said, fishing out his stele and drawing a healing rune on the inside of Alec’s forearm.
“How long will it take to get to the institute?” Alec asked.
“Three hours at the most but I can call Clary to come make us a portal.” Jace dug through his pockets, eventually pulling out a crushed metal object that may have once resembled a phone.
“Shit, I must’ve fallen on it. Do you have yours?”
Alec searched his pockets, wincing at the movement, but came up empty. “Probably fell somewhere,” he offered lamely.
“Fuck,” Jace whispered. For a while, they both simply stared at the ground in silence.
“Listen--,” Alec started, but was violently cut off.
“Shut the fuck up, Alec,” Jace snapped.
Unphased, Alec continued, “We both know I’m not going to last three hours.”
“Don’t start that shit, Alec. I’ll find a way to get you back,” Jace said. His voice was low and tight with worry and Alec immediately knew that none of his arguments would work.
“And how exactly are you going to do that? Forget three hours, okay? Jace, we both know that Ravener poison kills you in two . So unless you sprout wings and carry me all the way, I suggest leaving me to die,” Alec said.
“Don’t be dramatic, Alec. You know I would carry you anyway.”
Alec opened his mouth to protest more but then Jace was grabbing his arm and yanking him unceremoniously off the ground . Alec was immediately hit with a nauseating wave of dizziness and he stumbled, knocking into Jace.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “Don’t carry me,” he added as an afterthought.
“Put your arm around my shoulder,” Jace said, sighing as he grabbed Alec around the waist. Alec tried to follow Jace’s instructions but his body didn’t seem to want to listen to him. The poison made his movements sluggish and uncoordinated and his arm just ended up flopping uselessly by his side, refusing to do much more. Alec sighed in frustration but Jace just silently grabbed his arm and did the job for him.
Their progress was slow and Alec pointed out several times that it would be faster if Jace just went to the institute by himself and then came back for Alec after but Jace just snapped at him to shut the hell up.
So Alec fell silent because talking hurt anyway and he was still trying to wrap his head around the idea that no matter what Jace said, Alec was probably going to die here in these woods he fucking hated so much. His whole body felt sore and ached like someone was constantly beating him with a mallet. Jace kept talking to him, keeping up a constant stream of chatter but it sounded muffled to Alec’s ears and he couldn’t make out the individual words.
He kept seeing things in the corner of his eye, people running through the trees, shadows moving slowly in the dark. And Magnus, always Magnus. He couldn’t be sure because whenever he turned to get a closer look, it disappeared. But Alec was certain it was Magnus hiding behind the trees.
“Alec? Hey, Alec? Are you with me?” Jace called from somewhere far away. It felt like Alec was floating on a peaceful cloud and Jace was just an annoying pest on the ground, pulling the rope attached to Alec’s ankle. But then Jace snapped his fingers in front of Alec’s nose and the noise was enough for Alec’s eyes to focus on his parabatai .
Jace’s golden eyes were filled with concern and god , Alec hated that look. He didn’t deserve it. It was the look Izzy had been giving him ever since the break up, asking if he was okay even though it was his fault and he didn’t deserve to be okay in the first place. He just wanted it all to go away.
Alec felt a sharp sting on his cheek and realized that they weren’t walking anymore. Instead, he was sitting on the dirt floor, leaning against a tree with the rough bark digging into his back. He looked up and realized Jace had just slapped him.
“What the hell?” he muttered, and Jace slapped him again in response.
“Stay with me,” Jace insisted. “Just focus on my voice, okay?”
His throat felt thick and swollen so Alec just nodded even though the desire to close his eyes became insanely overwhelming. But then he saw it. A little boy with messy brown hair and glasses standing in front of him.
“Max,” Alec murmured, the word almost lodging itself in his throat, making him choke. Alec look up to see if Jace could see Max but Jace had altogether vanished, leaving Alec alone. A shiver ran up Alec’s spine and his legs trembled as he pulled himself up to his feet.
Max’s face was painfully familiar. Alec’s hands ached to ruffle his little brother’s hair the way he never did when Max was alive. He wanted to reach out and straighten Max’s glasses which were crooked on his nose. But there was something off about the whole things. Max’s face was sickly pale and Alec followed the progress of a thin line of blood running down Max’s cheek, dripping onto his shirt and staining his glasses. Alec stumbled back, fighting the urge to scream.
“Why did you leave me alone, Alec?” Max asked in a voice that was dead and echoing and not at all like the voice Alec remembered. “Why did you leave me with him ?” Max screamed.
“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered, well aware of how useless the words were. Tears were falling from Max’s eyes, mixing with the blood and making a mess of his face. Alec hid his face behind his hands and squeezed his eyes shut so tight that his head hurt.
When Alec opened his eyes, Max was gone. He was staring at the floor, which seemed to be moving, which was odd because Alec couldn’t feel his feet and he could see his arms dangling beneath him. He tried moving but then realized that someone was holding him by the waist. He panicked and began waving his arms blindly.
“Alec, calm down, you’re okay,” someone said. Alec realized the voice belong to Jace and he relaxed, only for the relief to be replaced by slight embarrassment when he realized that Jace was carrying him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
“I can walk, Jace,” Alec murmured, the words slurred and mutilated, not at all how he had been composing them in his head. He licked his lips and they tasted salty. Raising his fingers to touch his cheek, Alec realized his face was wet with tears.
“Nice try, Alec,” Jace said, and made no move to place Alec back on the floor. Jace sounded calm but the slight tremor in his voice pointed Alec toward the truth. Alec shivered, suddenly extremely cold.
“I’m cold,” he whispered, attempting to bury his face in Jace’s jacket.
“I know,” Jace muttered. “Just hang on.”
Alec attempted to sigh, but it morphed into a cough which escalated into a fit in which Alec’s entire body was violently shaken and left trembling on Jace’s shoulder. Exhausted, Alec let himself go entirely limp, closing his eyes.
“Get up, Alexander,” a sharp voice ordered. Alec’s eyes snapped open to see his father standing in front of him, features arranged in distaste. “You’re a shitty excuse for a son,” Robert Lightwood continued. Alec flinched as the words hit him in torrents. His father had never actually said this to him but Alec had spent years imagining these words, enough that they were vividly horrifying.
“You’re a disappointment. You’re not strong like Jace or Isabelle, you’re weak and mediocre and a black mark on the Lightwood name,” Robert yelled.
Alec covered his ears and felt his knees go out, though he couldn’t remember when he had even decided to stand in the first place. Pain shot up his legs as his knees collided with the ground and when he lifted his head, his father’s face was right in front of him.
“You’re wrong and disgusting, Alec,” Robert Lightwood said, grabbing Alec’s shoulders and repeating the words into Alec’s ears until Alec heard himself whispering them back.
“I’m wrong and disgusting,” Alec muttered, the words automatically pouring out of his mouth like he was made to say them. But then Robert was gone and replaced with Jace, who was standing above Alec with his face pinched into a terrified expression.
“Alec, stop saying that,” Jace was saying. “Open your eyes, Alec.”
Alec found that ridiculous because his eyes were open but Jace was still begging and the vulnerability in his eyes triggered something inside Alec and then his perception of the world shattered like broken glass.
He woke up in a taxi, eyes forced open and gasping for breath. He was lying down with his head on Jace’s lap, the car jostling as it hit bumps on the road, spreading the smell of stale food and cigarette smoke.
“Thank the Angel,” Jace said. “You wouldn’t wake up.”
“Sorry,” Alec muttered. He felt like he’d swallowed wet cement and coughed painfully into his hand. His fingers came away sticky with blood.
“Shit,” Jace muttered, hastily wiping the blood off of Alec’s fingers with his jacket sleeve as if they could both pretend it had never existed. “Just hang on, we’re almost there.”
Alec tried nodding but he was just so tired. He was tired of fighting Sebastian and wondering who else would turn up dead and tired of missing Magnus and constantly hating himself for missing Magnus and Jace was running his fingers through Alec’s hair the way Magnus used to and Alec knew that the ache in his chest would kill him before the poison.
And then Magnus was there, right next to Alec but so were Max and Alec’s father.
“Look at Alec,” Magnus sneered, “He’s hurt, again . How many fucking times do I have to heal you? It’s getting a bit old.”
Alec flinched at the words. Even though Magnus had never said, and would never say anything even vaguely similar to that, everything felt alarmingly real at the moment.
“Oh Alec,” his father said, “Always so weak, always giving in. You wouldn’t see Jace doing this.”
Max pushed his way to the front and whispered, directly into Alec’s ear, “How could you have saved me if you can’t even save yourself?”
Their words were like thousands of tiny needles burying into his skin and Alec squeezed his eyes shut, begging that when he opened them again he would be alone in a shitty taxi with Jace. But nothing disappeared. Alec opened his eyes and they were all still there, all smiling the same cold smiles.
Alec watched helplessly as Magnus, his father, and Max each pulled out identical daggers and then dug them into Alec’s skin, carving his body like a Halloween pumpkin. A scream tore through Alec’s lips as his fingers closed into fists, body spasming in pain. He was blinded and couldn’t tell if the screams were his own anymore and he felt warm tears escape his eyes and slip down his cheeks without his permission.
He could vaguely hear Jace calling his name from somewhere in the distance and Alec latched on to the sound, using it as an anchor to pull himself back to the surface and stay there. His eyes fluttered open, damp eyelashes scraping against his skin but there was no blood from the knives and Magnus, Robert, and Max were gone.
He wasn’t in a taxi anymore, but on a familiar street on the floor, leaning against a lamppost with a terrified looking Jace hovering over him.
“By the Angel, Alec, you were screaming so loud the cab driver kicked us out. But it’s okay because we’re almost there,” Jace said.
Alec stared at Jace, wanting to reach out and somehow assure his parabatai that he was okay but he couldn’t seem to take control of his own hands. Instead he just said, “This isn’t the way to the institute,” words horribly slurred.
“No,” Jace said. “Magnus’s apartment is closer, and besides, I’m pretty damn sure we need a warlock to heal you.”
The second Jace said Magnus , all Alec could think about was Magnus spitting words like poison and stabbing him repeatedly with a knife. Jace had begun carrying Alec over his shoulder again but Alec began thrashing and twisting, anything to break free of Jace’s hold.
“No, no, no, no,” he chanted. “You can’t take me there, put me down!” He was screaming now, the words scraping the roof of his mouth and burning his throat but Jace only tightened his arms.
“It’s okay, Alec. I know you guys broke up but this is our only option and Magnus will not let you die.”
Jace’s words only fed into Alec’s panic. Of course Magnus wouldn’t let Alec die, Magnus loved him. But Alec had abused that love, beaten it into a pulp with a metal baseball bat. He didn't deserve to receive it again. But before Alec could protest, Jace was carrying him to Magnus’s building and pressing the buzzer.
“Magnus, this is Jace. We need your help.”
The only answer was silence and for an infinite moment, Alec thought that Magnus wasn’t even home. But then the speaker crackled to life and Magnus’s voice echoed through it, dragging painfully through Alec’s ears.
“I thought I made it perfectly clear that none of you were welcome here,” Magnus said, his tone more exhausted than cold. Alec covered is ears and tried to talk over the sound of Magnus’s voice by mumbling incoherently.
“Magnus, if you don’t open this door, Alec is going to die.”
Alec expected Jace to say something else, maybe explain the situation a little more, but Jace stopped there and then there was a click as the door to the building unlocked.
Alec heard Jace let out a breath and then he was being carried up the stairs, watching the ground fall away. Alec could hear Magnus’s footsteps at the door and knew that Magnus was pacing like he always did when he was nervous. Alec struggled weakly against Jace, plugging his fingers into his ears and then groaning when that failed to drown out the conversation.
“What happened?” Magnus asked and Alec flinched at the sound of his voice.
“Ravener demon,” Jace said. Alec was being carried across the apartment and his eyes automatically traced every inch of the floor, taking in the small stains that he was familiar with and the dozen take-out containers that filled the place with the smell of stale Chinese food.
“He’s been delirious,” Jace continued. And then Alec was being lowered onto something soft and painfully familiar. He rolled to his side and saw that he was on the leather sofa facing the television. He could remember lying on this couch and placing his head in Magnus’s lap while staring uncomprehendingly at whatever TV show Magnus was watching, Magnus’s fingers in his hair while Alec drifted off to sleep.
“No,” Alec muttered, and the repeated the word as he turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
“You need to leave. I can’t be distracted while healing him,” Magnus was saying. Panic flooded Alec’s senses as he realized that Jace was going to leave him alone with Magnus. He rolled over, almost falling off the sofa completely, screaming for Jace.
Jace appeared in front of him, his face pale and pinched and Alec remembered that through their parabatai bond, he and Jace were feeling the same pain.
“It’s okay, Alec,” Jace said, and then he was gone. Without Jace, Alec curled into himself and wrapped his arms around his body as Magnus approached him.
“What have they done to you, love?” Magnus murmured. Alec wasn’t sure who “they” was, or why Magnus was acting like he still loved him. Magnus lifted a hand as if to brush the hair out of Alec’s eyes but Alec flinched away, trying to bury himself in the back cushions of the couch.
“Don’t touch me,” Alec whispered, irrationally terrified that Magnus’s fingers would turn into razor blades and cut him. A flash of hurt crossed Magnus’s face before his expression closed like a door and then Magnus was waving his fingers, blue sparks dancing between them and clouding Alec’s vision.
“Don’t hurt me,” Alec muttered. He felt drained and was suddenly filled with an intense desire of just wanting this whole thing to be over .
“I would never hurt you, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, stroking Alec’s cheek.
“But you already did,” Alec said. He knew it was unfair because everything about their break up had been his fault but that didn’t mean that he didn't hurt . That didn’t mean that Magnus hadn’t broken his heart.
Magnus was staring at Alec with an expression that Alec had never seen before but then it was gone and Magnus was just saying, “Hold still,” and Alec was too tired to disobey. He saw a shower of blue sparks and let his eyes close as the magic filled his body with a sense of warmth and security. Alec curled onto his side and pushed his face into the couch cushion, smiling into the feeling of Magnus playing with his hair.
“Rest, Alec,” Magnus said. And Alec felt himself let go.
***
Alec woke up to a soft blanket and a cat sleeping on his chest. He was on their bed, or he supposed it was just Magnus’s bed now, sunlight filtering through the transparent curtains covering the window. Weakly, Alec raised his hand to stroke Chairman Meow’s head. The cat purred and pushed needily into the touch, making Alec smile. After a few moments, he carefully removed Chairman Meow from his sweater and sat upright, violently trying to scrub the sleep from his face while attempting to push down the wave of emotion caused simply by being in this room again.
Now that he was fully awake, Alec could vaguely make out raised voices through the closed doors. He climbed unceremoniously out of the bed, his limbs dragging heavily, and realized he was wearing a soft black sweater and fluffy sweatpants. The sweater was his own, one he must have forgotten to take back with him to the institute, but the sweatpants belonged to Magnus. Ignoring the thought of wearing Magnus’s clothes, Alec shuffled tiredly toward the door, pressing his ear to the polished wood to hear the conversation better.
“Why the hell did you heal him if you’re not even going to stay and see him?”
Alec recognized Izzy’s voice, though he had no idea why she was here.
“I still care for Alec but we broke up , Isabelle. What exactly am I supposed to say to him?”
“You can’t just run away from your problems, Magnus,” Isabelle said, neatly avoiding the question.
“You didn't answer me,” Magnus threw back.
Knowing exactly how much Izzy despised questions she couldn’t answer, Alec took a deep breath and prepared himself to intervene before the conversation could escalate. He grabbed onto the doorknob, his knuckles tightening as he used it to support himself, and pushed open the door.
The curtains were drawn in the main room, which momentarily disoriented him since Magnus almost always kept them open. Izzy and Magnus were standing in a sea of clothes and take out containers, glaring at each other.
“It’s okay,” Alec said, his voice hoarse and painful. “I can leave.”
Both Isabelle and Magnus spun around to look at him, Izzy smiling and Magnus turning five shades whiter.
“Alec!” Isabelle exclaimed, launching herself at him with a hug. Alec’s knees buckled and, head spinning, he slid down the wall. He heard Izzy say something with worried surprise but the ringing in his ears was too loud to distinguish what it was.
Magnus kneeled down and then their faces were almost touching and Alec could barely remember how to breathe.
“The spell I used to heal you drained you of a considerable amount of energy. You’ll be weak for the next few days but then you should be back to normal,” Magnus said, neatly avoiding Alec’s eyes.
“If ‘normal’ is anything like how I’ve felt the past few days, I’d rather you’d have let me die,” Alec snapped. He knew he was being dramatic but couldn’t find it in himself to regret his words.
Magnus sighed and ran a hand through his hair, which was unnaturally flat and devoid of color. “It will get better,” he said, though he sounded like he believed that statement less than Alec. Magnus reached out a hand to touch Alec’s cheek but Alec shoved it away and stood up, ignoring the way he swayed on his feet.
“Stop doing that,” he said. Magnus raised his eyebrows in confusion and out of the corner of his eye, Alec noticed Isabelle discreetly leave the room.
“Doing what?” Magnus asked.
“Stop acting like you still love me,” Alec whispered, his cheeks burning as his voice broke.
“But I do still love you, Alexander,” Magnus said softly, voice so gentle that Alec wanted to shake him violently and beg Magnus to scream at him or throw something or just anything that made fucking sense.
Then why did you leave me , Alec wanted to ask. But instead he just said, “You shouldn’t.”
Then, brushing the wetness from his eyes, Alec pushed past a shattered looking Magnus and left the apartment, ignoring the way his hands shook as he slammed the door closed. He turned around and was rewarded with a face full of worried-but-curious Isabelle.
“I’m going to guess that didn’t go too well?” she asked.
Alec shook his head mutely and Izzy sighed, opening her arms and pulling him in for a hug.
He felt a faint sense of embarrassment but it was soon overpowered by a rush of inconceivable despair and tears escaping his eyes. A sob tore through his mouth but it sounded muffled and then his knees gave out and they both sunk to the floor.
Alec wished he could convince himself that everything would be okay but he could barely think the word ‘okay’ without wanting to kill something.
“Let’s go home, big brother,” Isabelle whispered. Alec nodded and she helped him off the ground. With Izzy’s arm around his shoulder and Jace most probably waiting for him at the institute, Alec didn’t exactly feel better , but he didn’t feel quite so alone either.