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It's a random Thursday morning when Youngjae wakes up feeling the warm sunlight through the cheap curtains of his boyfriend's bedroom, he doesn't hate it, lying there taking in the moment.
His eyes are still closed but he feels everything. The sunlight, Junghwan's breathing on his neck, their feet touching under the covers, his phone vibrating under the pillow with a new notification.
It's a good way to start the day, except for the fact that if he lingers a minute more they're going to be late for class. Youngjae gets up and showers first, rushing like the world is ending and by the time he leaves the bathroom ready to go, Junghwan has already woken up.
"Hyung, get up! We're going to be late for class! And you know I can't lose this class, it's important for my record to attend this one because it'll totally help me get a internship later!"
Youngjae talks fast, half the words leave his mouth without making any sense and Junghwan looks up from his phone already too used to this.
"Youngjae-yah, calm down, okay? I was waiting for you to finish."
Youngjae stops midway through putting his laptop on his backpack, "We'll then hurry up! I left the bathroom like five minutes ago!"
Junghwan sighs and closes the door, it doesn't take long for him to get ready and they both leave for class. As expected, they are not late.
They only meet again by the end of the day, when Youngjae comes sit at their usual table, a deep concerning frown taking over his face.
"Hyung? Are you okay?", Kyungmin is the one to break the silence.
No, I got a bad feeling. Had a test today and I think it went really bad", Youngjae doesn't have the energy left in him to look up, so he keeps his eyes locked on the table.
"You're always saying that! Yet, you haven't got a single bad score since high school", Dohoon's voice comes from the other end of the table, unimpressed by Youngjae's humor.
"I think this time I really really messed it up, guys. I meant it!"
He hears sighs and immediately feels bad. Bad beacuse he's always doing this, ending their good time with his stupid ramblings and annoying thoughts. He doesn't understand why can't others just see that he isn't the genius they want, he isn't the friend they want either.
"Well, it's okay hyung! Even if you get a bad score this time, you'll totally be better next time!", Hanjin reaches for his hand and gives a light squeeze before letting it go.
"Yeah! It's not the end of the world!", Jihoon's sounds more excited than he should have been, Youngjae knows is concern speaking up.
He doesn't say anything else, silently eating the ice cream that Junghwan placed in front of him. When it's time to go, Youngjae decides he'll be sleeping at his own dorm today, alone.
It takes a while for him to get his test back, a single A+ written with red pen. Youngjae feels like he can finally breath again, not proud but simply relieved for this being over. At lunch, when he's sitting at the library he hears Dohoon's voice coming from behind him.
"Told ya. Straight A's and nothing else", he sits and pulls his own laptop and headphones from his bag before saying, "You have to stop being such a pessimist".
Youngjae hides the test inside his notebook and doesn't answer him. The rest of the day is spend trying to focus, whether is during his alone study session or classes. Everything he reads or listens passes right by him, not a single word registered. The only thing Youngjae hears is Dohoon's voice repeating over and over again.
You're such a pessimist.
You're such a pessimist.
You're such a pessimist.
"I'm not a pessimist!", Youngjae hits the table hard with his hand and shakes his head, denying to himself.
"I'm not a pessimist, I'm just... realistic! That's all!"
It takes him a while to recover, he sits down again while looking around. His at his dorm, alone. Youngjae doesn't remember how he got there, the entire day passed by him in a blur, only Dohoon's voice in his head, even when Youngjae knows he didn't meant in a mean way. Still, it's a good thing, no one gets to see him crashing out.
"See? I'm not a pessimist, just found a good thing in all this!", he opens his notebook again and takes his pen, "I'm just as optimistic as others!"
Youngjae doesn't see the sun raising, too focused on studying now that he's proved that he's not a pessimist, he's in the right leves of optimist with the rest of society.
It takes a while for this part of him to be triggered again. Dohoon doesn't say anything else and Youngjae it's sure it was probably just a comment, the rest of them don't say anything either.
He's being trying to be more... optimistic lately. He's seen the good side on a pigeon stealing his lunch, he's seen the good side on his left hand being injured by the punch on the table, he's seen the good side on getting late for classes for the first time.
He's seen the good side of a lot of things he would normally hate, he's a changed man. A normal, man. A man that has never crashed out over something so... irrelevant.
It's the third time this week that Junghwan wakes up later than he should have and makes Youngjae lose another class, and this... this is something he can and will see the good part of.
"It's fine! It's totally fine, hyung!", Youngjae doesn't recognize his own voice, but he smiles even when his insides are telling him to stop lying.
"I'm really sorry, Youngjae-yah! I went to sleep a little late yesterday...", Junghwan's stumbling over his shoes while talking.
Youngjae has to keep this act. He can't stop now, he hasn't received a single bad comment the entire month! He's optimistic. He's good. He's fine.
He's fine.
He is fine.
Fuck it. He's not fine.
"Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?"
Youngjae blinks and Junghwan is suddenly in front of him, concern taking over his face.
"Yeah! Totally fine!"
Junghwan doesn't believe him, and he got tired of pretending and waiting for Youngjae to talk to him, he wants real answers now
"Tell me what's going on, Youngjae. You've been acting weird lately...", it's gentle and Youngjae knows that he's being gentle, yet he can't stop the harsh words.
"I said I'm fine! You don't believe me? I'm fine, see? You're late for the third time this week and I haven't said a single thing about it!"
He pushes Junghwan away and kicks his backpack to the side, hands coming up to his hair to pull it, the pain making Youngjae hiss.
"I'm optimistic! It's just the new me, really! Flowers grow and life is beautiful and I fucking love every second of this miserable... loving life!"
Everything is a blur. He hears himself and he hears the desperate way Junghwan is calling him and trying to hold him, stop whatever he's doing. It takes a while for Youngjae to get back and understand his surroundings again.
He's on the floor and Junghwan is holding his arms with a strength meant to prevent but not to hurt, there's a piece of fabric in his wrist and he sees his own hair on the floor. Junghwan's talking on the phone, something about emergency and blood. Youngjae blinks and looks up to the ceiling, his vision blur on the edges, but he can't sleep now, he's afraid he won't wake up again.
Youngjae does wake up. The ceiling is white this time, someone is holding his hand and there's a needle in his arm. An IV shot? He's not sick, why would he need an IV shot? He's doesn't even know if it really is an IV shot.
When he looks around, Youngjae realizes his pulse is covered in bandages; something is wrong, but he can't bring himself to really think right now. He squeezes the hand that are holding his and Junghwan immediately wakes up.
"Youngjae! Youngjae-yah, do you need anything? You want me to call the nurse?"
Youngjae tries not to frown with the mention of a nurse; he shouldn't even be here in the first place. He squeezes harder and tries to focus on Junghwan.
"Don't call anyone! Just get me out of here! We're missing class right now!"
Junghwan holds him down again, stopping Youngjae to take the needle off his arm and the bandages off his pulse. He tries to fight back, even if he's feeling too weak to do something.
"Stop! Youngjae stop!", it's almost a scream and the desperation in Junghwan's voice is what keeps Youngjae from trying again.
"Please, stop. Listen to me, okay?", Youngjae nods, "You cut your pulse open, I don't even know how. You're staying here because you have to. I'm staying with you."
Youngjae blinks. He would never do that, that's the most not Youngjae thing to do in this world, he wants to fight back but the lack of memory has him too confused to find words.
"I'm letting you go, but you have to promise me to not touch your bandage, okay?", Youngjae doesn't answer but Junghwan lets him go anyway.
"Tell me what happened, I don't remember."
It comes as a whisper, Youngjae feels tears going down his cheeks but doesn't know why, and Junghwan looks at him with so much concern it feels wrong.
"I got late again, you... you had a breakdown, I think? And I don't know how but in a second you were waiting for me and in the next moment I only saw blood..."
Junghwan's hand touches the bandage with so much gentleness and the words are making Youngjae sick, the touch is making him sick.
"I managed to stop you from going further and then I brought you here", he blinks to make the tears stop falling but they still make the bandage wet, "I was so scared, Youngjae... I'm so relieved that you're awake..."
Junghwan looks up and touches his face, he starts crying harder and random apologies slip through sobs while his hands hold Youngjae in a desperate hug.
Youngjae thinks he remembers some of it; the pain the moment he cut himself, the blood leaving his body in waves, Junghwan fighting with him to take the scissors away. His desperate screams for Youngjae to stop, Youngjae's equally desperate tries to regain control, to keep going.
It's a weird feeling now. Now that the desperation is over and all there's left is the consequences of actions he doesn't understand the reason behind all of ir.
He blinks his own tears away and hugs Junghwan back, the lingering smell of blood on his boyfriend's shirt makes him want to vomit, but he ignores the feeling and decides to focus in something else.
He's here. Whatever that was, it failed; whatever his brain wanted was twisted and he doesn't want it anymore. But Youngjae can't help but admit to himself that it would be a weird kind of relief if it worked... It's wrong.
"Tell me what's happening. Let me in, please? Let me help, Youngjae, please..."
Junghwan holds his face with trembling fingers and Youngjae decides that even if it was a weird relief to think it worked, this too is a relief. A good kind of relief, to have Junghwan here, to not be alone.
He's sure he doesn't want the twisted parts of him to take over again, to pretend like he did for months. He doesn't understands but he's desire for help is big enough to surpass his fear of being a burden.
"I'm sorry, hyung... I'll let you in. I'm sorry I locked you outside..."
He's a fake pessimist. Youngjae sees the sun and he wants to live. He feels Junghwan's warm hand against his skin and he wants to live. He hears his friends entering the hospital room a few days later and he wants to live.
He wants to. So he does, he's going to accept help, to let other people in.
And he'll live another year to feel the warm sun against the skin.