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In the middle of April every year, the BSAA held the semi-annual fitness for duty performance reviews. It was an event that most of the regular office workers hated, but the rest of the staff were either eager to prove themselves or resigned to their fates. As the Hound Wolf Squad walked into the headquarters, they were a little bit alarmed to see a poster slapped on the glass doors that declared it Rubber Chicken Day!
“…That’s weird.” Night Howl raised a brow.
“I didn’t get a memo or email about this. Did any of you?” Umber Eyes seemed confused, the standard before he’d had enough caffeine to kill an elephant in the morning.
“I think I heard Captain Valentine saying something about chickens last week. I thought she was talking about either raising them or sending some to Captain Redfield?” Tundra shrugged as they made their way in.
Piers came up from behind, chuckling with a huge smile as he had also read the sign.
“What’s up Nivans?” Canine asked quietly
“Rubber Chicken Day. It’s gonna be a good one.”
“You know what that’s all about?” Lobo raised a brow.
“I’ve been here about four years now, so yeah. It’s the fitness for duty reviews today, and everyone has to participate. Even the receptionists and cafeteria workers. But my favorite event to watch is the perimeter guard testing. They have to chase down an intruder and try to catch him for the first half. The second half is evade the intruder so he doesn’t mock kill them and leave the property defenseless in the event of a bunch of B.O.W.S. spawning in for an assault here. Everybody gets a rubber chicken instead of their usual tasers and knives to minimize injuries from friendly fire.”
He was greeted with five pairs of eyes blinking in stunned silence.
“Most of the building gathers to watch the perimeter guards getting tested, as the chicken sounds and the panic when they get chased is the best free entertainment you can get around here.” Piers snickered as he headed into the elevator with them.
“Who is the invader? Or do they switch it up every time?”
“Nope, same guy every year. The guards have been hitting the gym harder to try and catch him. No dice so far though. But some have been working out even harder, building up endurance so they can try to actually survive this round.”
“Huh…” Canine grunted.
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The Wolves themselves were driven hard in the gym. Jill and Carlos were merciless, pushing them through the cardio stress test, calisthenics, and finally the obstacle course until they were satisfied they’d wrung out every ounce of performance they could get from the younger soldiers.
Each member passed, with legs that felt somewhat like a bowl of jello in a hurricane. As they took in their water and snacks back in the bullpen, Piers perked when he heard the stairwell door open before a huge figure came down the hallway almost silently. Captain Redfield walked through the bullpen, giving a slight nod to the Squad in their chairs on his way to Valentine’s office. Knocking on the doorframe, he ducked his head in to greet Jill before placing his bag on the floor by his feet.
“Hey Chris! Ready for today?”
“Yeah. Dave was pretty much giggling downstairs when I walked in, giddy as I don’t know what when he saw me drive up.”
“Well, it’s tradition now. Carlos was going to step up, but nobody really wanted to do the test…”
A noise of understanding rumbled from Redfield’s throat as he nodded. “Can I leave my bag in here? I haven’t got an official locker assignment or anything yet. H.R. was fast about onboarding, but the details afterwards are… you know how it goes. Then again where I’m a contractor now, I probably won’t get a locker period.”
“Yep, and sure do. I have something for you too.”
They overheard the sound of a desk drawer opening and something being pulled out.
Chris snorted and a deep chuckle bubbled up from his belly, the sound surprising everyone but Piers.
“You kept it?”
“I kept a lot of things, Big Guy. I wouldn’t let them trash this place or empty your stuff out.” She answered quietly, handing over the mystery item. “Wasn’t right. If I didn’t see your dead body, then I wasn’t going to be convinced you were really gone. Not after you hunted me down and freed me from three years of slavery. There was no blood at the scene of the crime, no signs of struggle, and I know you well enough that if you had been awake when they took you… that room would have been torn apart and blood everywhere. Not yours, either.”
“They used a damn dart gun. Like I was some kind of exotic animal they were looking to traffic. One minute I’m downing my pills, buck ass naked from the shower and starting to get dressed. The next minute I’m face down with a dart in my neck and the world is sideways. Woke up a day later strapped to a steel medical table and hooked up to the bypass machine because the stress from my meds mixing with whatever sedative was used caused my heart to completely fail. They overshot the dosage because they didn’t know my weight or the precise cocktail I was on and didn’t have the brainpower to bring my medications with me to keep my heart and kidneys going.”
“Shit… How long were you kept on the table? Or do you remember?”
“Until my death was announced on the news. It was true, as they did actually kill me. I was dead until they managed to make that useless quitter beat just long enough to hook me up artificially.” He shrugged a little. “The news didn’t get it wrong, but they didn’t get it right either.”
“True… but I didn’t have a body to bury. Or at least a body part that could be officially tested and confirmed as yours.”
“Good point.” He cleared his throat quietly. “Are you coming to watch?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I hear there’s going to be popcorn this year, as the hotdogs weren’t well-received last year.”
She got a snort of amusement before he ducked his head back out of the office. It was then that the Wolves noticed that Redfield was wearing running shoes, cargo shorts, and a comfortable black t-shirt instead of his usual compression top, tactical pants, and combat boots. He had something in the hand that was blocked from their view, curiosity spiking. As he was about to leave, she called him once more.
“Chris! Don’t forget this. You know the eager beaver at the gatehouse… he’s gonna need it.” She placed a small object in his massive hand; it was swallowed up from view as he palmed it with a nod before putting it in a zippered pocket.
“Thanks, I’m sure he will. He had a million-dollar smile when I pulled up.”
“I bet he did. He’ll never be sent out on active duty, but I know for damn sure he’d go in a heartbeat to serve if he could. See you out there, Red.”
“Later Jill.” He turned, headed back down the hallway and stairwell just as quietly as he’d arrived.
“Oh… so he’s the one that does the testing….” Lobo put it together.
“No shit.” Night Howl snorted.
“Look alive, we’re headed to the observation deck on fifth for the show. You guys better learn something from this, everyone else does.” Jill threatened as she walked out to the stairwell, the Squad following obediently behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They didn’t expect the Assistant Director to already be seated there in the observation deck with Dr. Chambers, Oliveira, Nurse Walsh, and Miss Líle, each with a little bowl of popcorn to watch the events. Looking out over the yard, they could see a portion of the parking lot, the entire roped off PT area, and two sides of the fence that segregated the BSAA Headquarters from public property.
Jill took her spot next to Carlos and popcorn in hand with a snicker as she saw Chris stretching his hamstrings and calves on the wrong side of the fence, the Chief of Security briefing the perimeter guards nearby before dismissing them to their positions. The rules having been issued, the countdown on the timer had been started. As the guards dispersed to their positions, a bright yellow and red object could be seen in one hand of every last one of them.
A rubber chicken.
“They really do have them!” Tundra giggled, shaking her head as Rebecca opened up the windows to let some fresh air in.
“Bloom… what did you pick for the songs this time?” Jill asked.
“Oh, you’ll see.” She cackled, seeming far less intimidating than usual as she munched popcorn. The radio crackled in her hand a moment later, “Go ahead Chief.”
“We’re ready down here, everybody’s in position. I see Redfield has stretched and has his chicken for the second half.”
“Got it. Wait for the music, then let them go.” She chuckled and picked up a small remote to the sound system. Setting it to play through the speakers both inside and outdoors, the first soft words filled the atmosphere as the clock began.
Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time, I feel alive! And the world, I'll turn it inside out, yeah. I'm floating around in ecstasy, so don't stop me now! Don't stop me, 'cause I'm having a good time, having a good time…
“No way! Queen’s one of his favorites.” Valentine laughed, seeing a huge smile on Chris’ face as he jumped the fence with a chuckle and started running.
“Kennedy recommended it, he’s down in the yard watching too.” She smiled as everyone watched the pursuit. “It’s fitting, as Redfield always has too much fun doing these kinds of things. It’s nice to see something other than the resting bitch face expression.”
Piers snorted his coffee and burst out laughing.
“That’s why I call him Grumpfield, Kennedy calls him Bearfield if he skips breakfast.” Jill snickered.
As the extended version of the song played, Chris was indeed having a good time, while the guards were decidedly not. One threw his rubber chicken like a grenade when Chris breezed around the corner of the obstacle course before he could catch up. The ones patrolling the fence in wariness were soon swearing and almost tripping over one another as Redfield jumped the fence repeatedly, zigzagging through the clusters of guards teasingly before turning on a little more speed and running towards the parking lot, fifteen men in dogged pursuit.
“Fast fucker.” Night Howl whistled.
“You have no idea. Papi is pacing them nicely so they’ll have energy to run for their lives in the second half. This is nothing.” Carlos chuckled.
“I wouldn’t expect a man of his size to be that fast. Or agile.” Canine commented, watching Chris turn on a dime to veer off around another lane of parked cars.
“Nobody does. His thigh is damn near bigger than my waist, but it’s all functional muscle trained to near perfection. Kennedy is stealth and grace, Redfield is power and endurance.” Jill smiled, snorting.
Chris let the guards almost catch up as he ran through the parking lot on a seeming collision course with a truck parked there. Hopping up, he slid ass-first across the hood of Carlos’ pick up, putting the vehicle between them before veering for the fence and jumping once more to exercise the outer guards. Giving them the runaround literally, he sailed over the corner pillar once more and went for the obstacle course. The youngest member of the runners broke away from the rest to try his lot next.
Readying his rubber chicken like a knife, he was only about twelve feet away when Redfield did something they didn’t see coming.
He ran up the side of the repelling wall, going over ten feet with his momentum before pushing off in a huge backflip. Landing, he was already behind them and heading off once more.
“Parkour!” Rebecca burst out, laughing with a fist pumping the air.
The music faded and the guards were throwing chickens in a desperate attempt to catch Chris with a stray. Slowing to a walk, he chuckled and dodged easily enough.
“Fifteen-minute breather and then part two.” Assistant Director Bloom announced for all to hear.
The guards were watered and allowed to breathe before making their way back into position. Chris chugged down a full water bottle before hopping the fence once more back to his starting point. He was seen chatting with Kennedy who was laughing and shaking his head during the conversation.
“How many are participating this year?” Nurse Walsh asked.
“Thirty-five. Beta Squad and Delta are on duty while the guard is running.”
“His kill count last year was twenty-seven out of thirty-nine. Think he’ll go for the entire group this time?” Rebecca poked Jill.
“Well… his heart and kidneys are healthy now, so I’m betting thirty-four out of thirty-five will get it this year. Tolson’s participating and Chris doesn’t like to push him too hard.” Valentine answered.
“Ohhhhhh. Yeah, that tracks.” Carlos chuckled.
The timer reset, and Bloom started the song for the second half.
Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floooooooooorrrrrrr!!!!
Nurse Walsh burst out laughing as she looked at Bloom. “Ma’am… that’s a solid choice.”
“I thought so too.” She grinned back.
Down on the grass, Chris had an extra-large rubber chicken held like his combat knife as the music started up. A feral grin on his face, he took off after the outside perimeter guards and creating absolute panic in them. Taking them down one after another, he hopped the fence and started in on the obstacle course members next.
Canine paled a little as he watched the stealth and ease with which Chris was targeting his prey. He threw that would-be knife with the accuracy of a sniper each time for distance targets, a mock death every time. Sneaking up behind a pair of guards, he swept the legs out of one while his arms caught the other, running the “blade” across his throat with an exaggerated bawk and laying him down before finishing off the grounded guard immediately after.
In two minutes, he’d been through twenty of the guards and was herding the remaining members out of the parking lot with the precision of a predator on a mission. Four got surprise-pounced as he stalked them through the parking lot, Redfield always taking the brunt of the impact to avoid harming the smaller bodies. He’d caught and “choked” a further three before running down six more that were making a break for cover back towards the fence one more. The last two had managed to double back while Chris pursued the fence runners, one hunkering down in the shade behind a pile of crates next to the obstacle course. The other was skittering under the belly crawl in hopes of avoiding the long reach of Chris’ arms to get him out.
He was sadly disappointed that he’d not crawled far enough in, massive hands grabbed him by the ankles and hauled him out so quickly he couldn’t help but laugh in surrender of the futile efforts. He accepted his death gracefully, letting his tongue hang out and getting a chuckle out of the Captain before he was off to hunt down the last guard. Stalking closer to the crates, he squeezed the chicken in his hand to let out a noisy rubber squawk. Teasing.
The young soldier straightened and started to try and sneak off towards the parking lot once more, as the final lines of the song were coming out. Seeing an opening, he made a run for it, but he’d already run too much that afternoon. He heard fast footsteps crunching the gravel behind him as he gave a burst of speed while his chest tightened up far too quickly.
“Shit… something’s wrong down there. The last guy’s stopping and doesn’t look like he’s okay.” Night Howl frowned, arms crossing in concern as he watched.
“That’s Tolson. He had too much excitement today.” Jill answered.
Tolson’s breaths came in choked wheezes as he stopped abruptly, hands going to his throat and chest as if they could do something to make his airway lest restricted. A hand groping his breast pocket fumbled. His knees wobbled as his vision started to fuzz out around the edges before he heard the squawk of the chicken very closely and the rubber tapped the side of his neck before huge hands seized his hips, guiding him down to a seated position on the asphalt. He was wheezing, struggling to get any air in at all with a red face that spoke of sheer respiratory distress.
He was drawn back directly against a broad torso, one arm gently batting his own down and locking them against his sides while the other shook a small object before placing it between his lips and pressing down on the top of it.
“Easy, kid. I’ve got you, let the medicine do the work. Feel my chest, feel me breathing. It’s okay. Let’s do another puff, and start to breathe with me, okay?” When he got a weak nod, Chris administered a second puff from the rescue inhaler and he began to gently rub a soothing circle over the smaller man’s chest for a moment before tenderly pressing his chest against his back, legs stretched out on either side of the younger’s. “There, that’s getting better, yeah?”
It took another two puffs and several minutes before Tolson stopped wheezing, albeit he wasn’t breathing perfectly. Chris timed everything carefully, helping him to regulate with the feeling of his own chest expanding and contracting to guide him in synchronization. Almost twenty-five minutes passed before Tolson sagged a little in relief against the huge Captain.
“Did I make it, Sir?”
“Almost, Tolson.”
“Damn asthma.” He grinned. “I regret nothing though. That was so much fun.”
“I know you don’t.” Chris chuckled, shaking his head and helping Tolson get to his feet. “Okay, I heard Rebecca has popsicles waiting for us in the cafeteria. Let’s go.” Throwing an arm carefully over the shoulder of the kid, they walked back into the building after Chris picked up his chicken and shoved it in a side pocket while the rest of the gathered guard followed now that they knew their colleague was okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the observation deck, Bloom announced cheerily with a smile. “Thirty-five out of thirty-five: a new record! We’ve identified key vulnerabilities with our security team and property; I’m calling this a rousing success. It also helps that the Captain is easy on the eyes to make it most enjoyable while analyzing the problems.”
“You trying to make another pass at him?” Jill teased, getting a shameless giggle-snort in return.
“I wouldnae kick him out o’ bed fer eatin’ crackers that’s for sure, ye ken?” Miss Líle chimed in, stunning the room with the unexpected quip.
“Oh boy.” Rebecca cackled as she got a wink from the cheeky woman.
“Pro-tip: He loves Cheeze-Its. Start there for bait.” Jill offered with a sly grin.
“Noted, thank ye.”
Carlos turned to the Squad expectantly. “What did you learn?”
“That we all need to run more on the treadmill.” Lobo answered.
“And don’t piss off the man with the largest rubber chicken out there.” Canine added.
“That everyone should be trained in first aid for respiratory distress and be aware of our teammates medical conditions where necessary.” Tundra offered, getting a small nod of approval from Jill.
“Use the environment to our advantage. Put obstacles between ourselves and the enemies whenever possible and think about how to create exits.” Umber chimed.
Night Howl thought about it before answering. “Never judge your opponent’s capabilities by their appearance. Keep your eyes on them at all times when possible, and be prepared to have to adapt to changing conditions at a second’s notice.”
“Very good. Next time, you guys are running with the rubber chickens while the guards watch.” Carlos grinned.