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Julius was tired.
He was so incredibly, throughoutly tired, with the kind of exhaustion that seeps through the layer of skin and soaks the bones until all one can feel is a numbing chill. Right now, it made him want to cry.
A few weeks ago, Julius was still the Finest Knight, his lady's most trusted ally and Reinhard's, as well as Ferris', friend. Today, he was none of that. It disappeared like a faint fire of an oil lamp with a knot raised too low to the point the smallest flicker makes it gone. Like a pile of dust carried away by the wind to never be whole again. Never be seen again. Never noticed. He disappeared from the sight and the memory of those people just like he would now like to disappear from his own consciousness, with the cruel guilt still clawing at his throat whenever he lied down and the chill everpresent. Overwhelming. Numbing.
Numbing.
He sometimes hated himself.
Perhaps not Julius Euclius. That was the fine knight, the soldier, a person of honour and a respected spirit contractor. He hated himself as he was right now, the wrecked memory of whatever was left from the person he had considered his own identity before, the one who found himself on the ground, shaking, and so awfully pathetic. Oh, how the illusion of Julius being anything worthy crumbled so easily the moment his earnest apology has gotten cut off with a simple question.
"Who are you?" They said.
And his whole world shattered just like that.
And whatever he meant to say at that moment died on his tongue within the painful twist in his stomach making him sick. Right now he felt sick, too. Of himself. Of this situation. He wasn't sure. Didn't need to be, either.
All he knew was that each breath he took hurt more than the last one, and that the tears that kept gathering in the corners of his eyes stung his heated up skin mercilessly with a reminder of his newfound weakness. Because it seemed that, despite all his empty promises, Julius Euclius was not capable of dealing with himself.
What an actual disaster of a man he was, on top of everything. He should be the one to protect his lady. The one his friends rely on, and the one who leads the team towards victory, or at least follows the leader at all cost. Instead, he kept his body down, trembling, useless, deprived of all strength or pride. Because all that was left for Julius seemed to be pain, and maybe it was all he needed. Or, at the very least, what he deserved to have, for the incompetence that's gotten him into this situation in the first place.
Because Ricardo lost his hand.
Because Anastasia wasn't in her body.
Because Joshua was unconscious, forgotten.
Because he was the one who should have stopped all of those things from happening. And yet he, somehow, managed to let every single one of his allies down. He didn't even need to lose his own name on top of that to be considered worthless.
And he was so, so terribly tired.
If it could all just disappear, like he did. If they could all be gone just for him, if his life could be over, genuinely over, not stuck at whatever state it stopped after Priestella.
Back then, though, he still thought he had his strength. Turns out Reid could prove him wrong. Julius seemed to always be wrong nowadays.
The only thing keeping him sane might have just been Subaru.
But Subaru was angry now. Or at least Julius was, at him. Maybe. He wasn't sure. It wasn't like he felt anything at all, not really. He only knew it hurt to think about all of it, too. The memory of Subaru and Echidna's excuses scratched over his brain and made him flinch. Unworthy. Pathetic. Weak.
You can't even manage to be a follower.
With a thought so shameful any other time it would make him grimace in disgust, Julius found himself wishing Reid had just cut his throat open the moment he had a chance instead of letting such a broken thing get away. Only to mess up again and again. Without even a lady to protect. Without a friend, the last one he still had after Gluttony. Without a purpose. A reason. A sword. Ripped off everything, standing still, frozen, and completely naked to all enemy's sight. And yet none of them cared enough to kill him. They all must have seen through the charade long ago, long before Julius had, and that must have been why he survived. Perhaps yesterday he would have even gone as far as to be glad about it. Now it didn't even seem to serve a purpose, for him to be walking through the world amongst the living. For whom would he be here? Not even himself.
Not even for Subaru.
Fuck, Julius hated himself. He despised the man that laid now on the hard stone, mourning, although he should fight. Not the knight, not yet, not quite. But there was no knight nor chivalry left in the mind of such pathetic creature that tainted the inexistent name of Julius Euclius with each thought.
And each breath hurt, hurt, hurt.
Slowly, Julius pushed himself up on his shaking arms, vision spinning and blurring in an awful tease of his state. He closed his eyes, chills going through his body in disturbingly regular waves. He hid his head between his knees, sick to the core and so, so tired.
There was a noise coming from the outside, so distant it must have been incredibly far away. It seemed to be a voice, quite distressed too, as far as he could tell. Something must have been happening to his friends, yet there he was, suffocating in his own misery, unable to even cry it out. It was so pitiful Julius would have laughed if only his lungs weren't burning. Something brushed over his neck and sent down his back a shock so strong he almost yelped in surprise. Or maybe he did. He let his head fall to his chest as he choked down the tears he couldn't let fall, the salt sending him into a coughing fit so strong he had to double down.
Not even a follower.
Perhaps he was nothing at all.
"Julius!"
Oh?
There was a sudden pressure pushing at his cheeks as his head was violently snapped up by the force outside of his control. Without a conscious thought Julius leaned into the touch, letting his body completely limp, the last few coughs suppressed by the unknown pressure.
Immediately, what was probably another hand landed underneath his chest, supporting it over the ground. He choked again, the pressure stirring up whatever was happening inside his body.
Julius didn't care.
Maybe he really, really wanted it to be over.
"Juli..."
He hummed at the name. Someone must have been calling him, he figured. But he couldn't answer. Another one of the examples of his utterly useless demeanour.
His body was thrown to the ground and for a second he was actually sure the movement took his life. That was, until the pain hit him with all its force, and he jerked with a screech at the intensity of it that even the already present suffering couldn't downgrade. Somebody held him down. Were they mad? They had to be. But Julius deserved it. For how he behaved, unworthy of his glorious title. For what he thought - the thoughts of a coward, not a knight. The thoughts of a person broken beyond repair. There was no use trying now. Julius stopped tonight.
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With another deep breath to calm down, Subaru cursed under his breath. He knew nothing good would unfold from this situation the moment he saw Julius kneeled on the ground shaking, but the actual moment his guilt and bitterness covered concern turned into actual, genuine worry was when the man jerked away from his touch with a terrified shriek, before starting to cough painfully. Through the surprise Subaru could only do as much as to hold his head up to meet his eyes and try to speak to Julius. It didn't seem to help, though, as the next thing he knew was the knight falling onto him, seemingly giving up on holding himself together. And now he was unconscious, hanging over his arm, breath so terrifyingly shallow Subaru had to make sure twice it was there at all.
God damn him and his stubborn actions. Whatever's gotten Julius, it must have started at least a few hours ago, which means he could have just simply informed anyone of it. And instead...
"Oh, screw it all!" Subaru's voice cut through the silence violently even to his own ears as he caught Julius in a firm grip and proceeded to lift him from the ground with all his might. They were right by the green room, so at least he didn't have to carry him again. It's not like he wouldn't have done it if necessary, but he wasn't eager to repeat the experience, either. Instead, he threw Julius' arm over himself and half-carried, half-dragged him into the room until they reached one of the stone beds.
Among the calm breathing of the sleeping Patrasche and Rem, Julius' one seemed even more shallow. Subaru swallowed down a gulp in his throat and reached out to gently touch the other's heated up face.
"Julius," he muttered once again, in hopes to wake the man up. No answer came, though, an expected yet still unsettling outcome. If it goes that way any further he may have to wake up Beako, and that, he wouldn't want to do. So he sat still, minute after minute passing painfully slowly, the spirits flickering around in a hopeful dance. The night was getting older, and Subaru's eyes began to hurt the more he stared out at the room. After a mere few minutes of fighting, he let his eyelids close, bringing him at least the one kind of comfort he could get. He couldn't fall asleep though. Not with this idiot of a knight barely breathing beside him, that was. As if he couldn't have picked a more conventional time to get sick, or at least anyone else could have found him really. Why did it always have to be Subaru? It seemed like the man kept subconsciously, or maybe even not, choosing the places he knew Subaru would come by to look out for him to break at. It was like a tease, another one of his mean plays, near forcing him to be the one to help.
Although deep down, Subaru knew his answer. And it was nowhere near comfortable, either. Because he must have been the only one looking out for Julius at all. Because if anybody else concerned themselves for long enough, perhaps they would have found him first. But they didn't. And if...
"Subaru?"
The boy flinched at the word, spoken with a voice so hoarse he only recognised it after a long second. He flipped his head around just to see Julius already staring back at him, eyes fluttering as if he struggled to keep them open for over half a second and lips slightly parted in thought.
"Hey." He finally answered. "Yeah that's me, sorry 'bout that. You fainted in the hallway." To get through better with the meaning of his statement, he raised his hand and pointed at the entrance to the green room.
Slowly, Julius closed his eyes and nodded.
"I see."
Subaru turned away, not sure what else to say. An awkward silence settled over them, filled with Julius' irregular breathing that made Subaru want to scratch at his own skin in frustration deeply settled inside his body and now threatening to spill over the longer the silence kept going. He gritted his teeth, not bearing even a full minute.
"What the hell is your problem?" He nearly hissed, pushing himself up from the stone with a force that sent him a step forward. "For the third time I find you almost dying and am forced to carry you in here. You're not even dead, just always in this disheveled state. And you shouldn't even leave the green room in the first place!" He couldn't really help his voice rising with each word, an emotion he refused to name, but one that made his heart flutter painfully and his eyes sting, overtaking him completely into a state bordering haze. Still, he stopped in his tracks as soon as he turned around, hands that were about to gesture viciously frozen in space and thoughts slowed down to an extreme as his breath caught.
Julius was up now, sitting a little slouched over, looking at him with one of those annoying smiles of his that hid the sadness way deeper and more complex than a person's expression should ever be able to show.
"Should I have died then?" He asked, voice calm and steady. And Subaru hated every single word that spilled out of the idiot's mouth with a passion he did not suspect himself possessing. But more than anything, he reflected, he was mad at himself. Because for lord's damn sake it's not like two of those three times were even Julius' fault, or at least he really hoped they weren't anyway.
Before he could put together an answer Julius lowered his head and shut his eyes tightly, as if through pain. Which he probably was in, Subaru realised with another wave of guilt washing over him, a feeling so unlike him it drove him crazy. Slowly, he reached his hand out towards the man before stopping abruptly and shaking his head in frustration.
"No!" His voice echoed across the chamber and it made Julius flinch. "No, that is not what I mean at all. You're playing with my words now, idiot! You know what I meant." He straightened his back, took a deep breath and finally let himself lean closer towards Julius, hand landing over his back as gently as he had managed to place it. Swallowing his pride with a grimace, he added; "I will carry you each time I need to. You just keep bringing yourself to a state that requires it, and I hate it." Having earned no answer, he lowered his voice to a whisper. "You should too. Try not to... Die. Or something."
The words were quite incoherent, but they earned a soft chuckle on Julius' side, a total win for Subaru, if you ask him.
"I will. Try not to die." He whispered back, visibly letting himself relax against Subaru as soon enough what felt like his entire weight pressed at the boy's arm and chest. "I did not mean to cause you that much trouble, Subaru."
"I know."
He huffed and patted his back half teasingly before stepping away to grab one of the cups they had placed beside the water and fill it for the knight, who watched him carefully, head falling to the side in either curiosity or exhaustion, Subaru couldn't tell. Carefully, he brought the cup to Julius' hands.
"Drink. And get well by tomorrow, or else we'll need to seriously talk." He turned his head away the moment Julius took the beverage and let himself drop onto the stone platform right beside him. After another minute of dull silence, he finally opened his mouth with unease catching at his throat. "I..."
"Hmm?"
Subaru suppressed an annoyed groan. Was he being too soft with Julius? Sometimes the man drove him crazy.
"I'm gonna... Stay until you sleep. I need to make sure you don't get out again." He finished finally, subconsciously covering his face with an open palm.
For the second time that night, Julius chuckled at his words, and once again, despite his utter embarrassment, it made Subaru's heart feel just a bit lighter.
"Thank you, Subaru" was all he said before leaning towards him again and, without any warning, wrapping his arms around him tightly and burying his face in the back of Subaru's cape. Forcing himself to relax in the embrace, Subaru sighted, hand landing on Julius' lilac hair and ruffling it.
"F'course" he murmured, before letting his own eyes fall shut as well.