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I need practical advice for an urgent situation. Please treat this seriously. I am using voice-to-text because I cannot type in my current position so please excuse any errors.

I am currently in the residence of a colleague of high standing. Through a series of unfortunate events that I will not elaborate on, a personal appendage of mine has become inserted into a cylindrical artifact belonging to this colleague and cannot be removed.

Details about the object:

• It is a sealing sheath with torii gate imagery.
• It has properties related to Etheric suppression.
• It is a family heirloom passed down through multiple generations.
• It is narrow in diameter.
• It was not attached to the sword at the time. The owner removed it for maintenance and is using a temporary replacement. It was stored in her residence waiting to be collected.
• It has a fingerprint lock. I know this because I saw the scanner on the side.
• I tried the scanner. It didn't work.

Details about the situation:

• The appendage is mine.
• It is stuck.
• I am currently on the owner's bed and cannot stand without causing discomfort.
• The sheath feels warm and I am concerned it may be activating.

I have attempted the following removal methods:

• Pulling. Did not work. Caused discomfort.
• Twisting. Did not work.
• Cooking oil. Applied to the exterior, did not work, made it slippery and difficult to grip. Also got on the sheets. I cannot— the sheets are— she is going to notice the sheets. I am aware this does not sound like a person who should be trusted with someone else's residence.
• Cold water. Applied. No effect.
• Waiting. Twenty minutes elapsed. No reduction in swelling.

I also attempted to contact a medical advice hotline. She asked me to specify which appendage and I— I hung up. I am aware this was not helpful. I could not say it out loud. I am posting this instead because at least here I do not have to— I can just dictate. I don't have to hear someone's voice when I explain what I did.

The owner and I have been in a relationship for eight months. She gave me access to her residence while she is away. She trusted me to water her plants and retrieve documents for her. She did not anticipate— she could not have—

I did water the plants. I want that noted. I completed the tasks she asked of me before this occurred. I am not irresponsible. This was a lapse in judgment. A single lapse in judgment. I am not a deviant. I want to be clear about that. This was not— I was not— it was not like that. It was a lapse. That is all.

I am not afraid of her anger. I am afraid that she will look at me and see someone she does not recognize or cannot trust in her space. Someone who would violate, who would misuse—

She has always made me feel like I am enough. Like my presence in her space is warranted. I do not want her to see me like this and reconsider whether she should have given me access.

I have attempted to calm down but the environment makes this difficult. Her belongings are here. Her scent is— the situation is not improving. I keep—

I have considered hiding. I have considered covering the object and pretending nothing occurred. I have considered leaving. I cannot do any of these things. I am on her bed with cooking oil on the sheets and I cannot stand up.

I am a Public Security employee. I need to know:

• Will the emergency room report incidents of this nature to my employer?
• Are there household methods to reduce swelling enough to remove the appendage without medical intervention?
• If the object is activating, is that dangerous to the appendage?
• How do I explain this to the owner if I am discovered before resolving the situation?

I would appreciate responses that are direct and professional. I do not need commentary on how this happened. The circumstances leading to this are not relevant to the solution.

I am begging for practical advice. I have never needed help like this before. I do not know who else to turn to. Please.

Edit: I have confirmed the sheath is at body temperature. It is not activating. Please stop asking about the temperature.

Edit 2: I did not intend for this to become whatever it has become. I asked for practical advice. I received... other things. The situation has not improved.

Edit 3: She is on her way. Thank you to those who gave genuine advice. 

2839 points (94% upvoted) • 541 comments 

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u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I am NOT providing details for your WRITING

u/eightlayer-taco • 341 points • 3hr ago

No worries, I wasn't asking for details~ I write horror, not memoirs. Your secrets are safe... mostly

You said "I am not a deviant" and then described a deviant act: "This was not— I was not— it was not like that. It was a lapse. That is all."

The three false starts and the insistence on clarity while being anything but clear... That's really good writing, actually. I couldn't have drafted it better myself

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I described a LAPSE IN JUDGMENT!

u/eightlayer-taco • 378 points • 3hr ago

A lapse in judgment that involved inserting your appendage into a narrow cylindrical artifact on someone's bed with cooking oil and you can't finish a single sentence about it without trailing off...

"She did not anticipate— she could not have—"
"Someone who would violate, who would misuse—"
"Her scent is— the situation is not improving. I keep—"

What do all those sentences have in common? You can't finish them because finishing them means admitting what you did and what you were thinking about when you did it...

Ah... I'm getting really good material from this thread

u/eightlayer-taco • 412 points • 3hr ago

Everyone's a character, darling. You're just a particularly compelling one right now~

Also, my appendages are self-lubricating... Sorry about that. Have you tried copious amounts of slime?

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I am not using SLIME

u/lumina_square_rat • 234 points • 3hr ago

"Unauthorized insertion" is the most clinical way to describe what happened

u/hollow_zero_retiree • 67 points • 3hr ago

I'm being serious. If the sheath has biometric security, it may have locked around the appendage. This isn't just a swelling problem. It's a security protocol.

OP, you need the owner. There's no household method for this.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I am NOT accepting that answer.

u/hollow_zero_retiree • 45 points • 3hr ago

It's not something you can accept or reject. It's physics and Etheric engineering. The sheath made a decision. You need the owner to override it.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

Thank you for the practical advice. I have stopped twisting. I did not know about the directional grooves. That information would have been useful forty minutes ago

u/i_hate_masterlock • 1 point • 3hr ago

Wait, if it has a fingerprint lock, has anyone checked if the Lock Picking Lawyer has a video on this model? If there's a bypass for the biometric scanner, he'd know about it

u/hollow_zero_retiree • 67 points • 3hr ago

This is an Etheric biometric lock. The binding isn't mechanical, it's Etheric resonance keyed to the owner's signature. You can't pick what isn't physical

u/i_hate_masterlock • 34 points • 2hr ago

Okay but have you SEEN his videos? The man opens "unpickable" locks in under thirty seconds. He'd at least try

u/lumina_square_rat • 89 points • 2hr ago

Imagine him getting a DM like "hey can you make a video about this sword sheath that has someone's dick stuck in it"

u/i_hate_masterlock • 656 points • 2hr ago

"Today we're looking at the Hoshimi family sealing sheath, model number seven generations of emotional baggage. As you can see, the biometric scanner is easily bypassed with a simple tension wrench and... well. That's not a tension wrench. But it opened. Let's see what's inside. Oh. Oh my. Moving on."

u/bite_back • 234 points • 2hr ago

i hate that i can hear his voice saying this

u/starlight_billy • 198 points • 3hr ago

Okay so I have a LOT of experience with this! Not the... penis thing. Other appendages. One time I got my index finger stuck in a vending machine coin slot for two hours. Another time my arm got lodged in a wall panel. The principle is the same.

WD-40 solves all problems!

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I do not have WD-40

u/starlight_billy • 234 points • 3hr ago

How do you not have WD-40? What kind of household doesn't have WD-40?

Step by step:
1. Apply WD-40 to the contact points
2. Wait 3-5 minutes for penetration
3. Gently twist while pulling — do NOT force it
4. If that fails, apply cold compress to reduce swelling
5. If THAT fails, you need professional extraction

Cooking oil was a good instinct but wrong tool. WD-40 is the way to go!

u/ether_addict_420 • 312 points • 3hr ago

"Wait 3-5 minutes for penetration" Billy you can't say that in this context

u/starlight_billy • 178 points • 3hr ago

What context? It's a mechanical term.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 15 points • 3hr ago*

I am not going to apply industrial lubricant to— to the situation.

u/bite_back • 351 points • 3hr ago

billy. she's not gonna put WD-40 on her dick

u/starlight_billy • 167 points • 3hr ago

Why not? It works on everything else. I once freed a stuck piston with WD-40 in under thirty seconds. A penis is just a biological piston when you think about it.

u/kama-sama69 • 287 points • 3hr ago

OP, you said "personal appendage." That's such a funny way to not say penis~ Why not just say penis? Is it because it's small? Hehe, I'm just asking! No judgment!

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago

I am NOT confirming the size of anything

u/kama-sama69 • 341 points • 3hr ago

Hmph~ So defensive. The lady doth protest too much, methinks~ Hehe

Ohohoho~ Interesting! I didn't ask you to confirm. I just asked why you won't say penis. But now I'm curious about the size thing you brought up~ Hehe

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 3hr ago*

I did NOT bring up the size! YOU brought up the size!

u/kama-sama69 • 378 points • 3hr ago

I brought up small; you brought up size. Those are different things~ But if the sheath is narrow and you fit inside... well. I'm just going to leave that there. Hehe~

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 8 points • 2hr ago

I do not want an award for this

u/free_award_giver • 34 points • 2hr ago

Too late. It's yours. This post is going to show up in "Best of New Eridu" by tonight

u/hollow_zero_dropout • 298 points • 2hr ago

THE CURSED SWORD SHEATH?

u/etheric_archaeologist • 478 points • 2hr ago

That sheath has been passed down through SEVEN GENERATIONS. It's forged from Etheric matter. It literally symbolizes the Void Hunter's emotions and worldly desires.

You put your dick in the physical manifestation of a Void Hunter's desires.

u/lumina_square_rat • 534 points • 2hr ago

That's either a Freudian slip or a marriage proposal

u/kama-sama69 • 489 points • 2hr ago

Oh this just got SO much better~ Hehehe~

u/eightlayer-taco • 456 points • 2hr ago

Wait... This is a cursed sword sheath? An actual Etheric artifact that represents someone's desires?

I write horror for a living and I couldn't come up with something this unsettling... The sheath literally symbolizes her emotions and OP just... inserted herself into them? That's... hmm. That's either the most romantic thing I've ever heard or the premise for the best horror story I've ever written

u/kama-sama69 • 189 points • 2hr ago

OP really started this thinking it was a medical problem

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 7 points • 2hr ago

I was inspecting the sheath's structural integrity.

u/gyatatouille • 423 points • 2hr ago

With your penis.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 23 points • 2hr ago

...The method of inspection is not relevant.

u/gyatatouille • 489 points • 2hr ago

You missed her. She wasn't there. You wanted to feel close to her. And you saw the sheath and thought — well. I think we all know what you thought, Captain.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 11 points • 2hr ago*

I— That is not— I was not thinking about her when I— I need to stop talking.

u/bite_back • 389 points • 2hr ago

too late

u/gyatatouille • 467 points • 2hr ago

"I was not thinking about her when I—" when you what, Captain?

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 points • 2hr ago

I don't have to answer that.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 points • 2hr ago

I am NOT answering that.

u/gyatatouille • 534 points • 2hr ago

Your refusal to answer is an answer. You're in her quarters. Surrounded by her things. The sheath is resonating with her Etheric signature. And you were thinking about her when this started.

The environment is not helping, is it, Captain?

u/bite_back • 133 points • 2hr ago

@chariottrackers yeah what they said. tho tbh i dont think taxes are unsexy enough for this situation. nothing is unsexy enough for this situation

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 74 points • 2hr ago*

I am TRYING. It is DIFFICULT. Her quarters SMELL like her.

u/gyatatouille • 498 points • 2hr ago

You can't think your way out of a physiological response while the stimulus is still present. You cannot remove the sheath until you calm down. And you cannot calm down until you leave the environment. And you cannot leave the environment because you're stuck.

You're trapped, Captain. In every sense.

u/kama-sama69 • 423 points • 2hr ago

OP literally has her dick inside an artifact that represents her girlfriend's desires and she's surprised the thread got flagged for NSFW~ What did you THINK was going to happen, Captain? Ohohoho~

Also, you did this to yourself. You could've just said "finger" and none of this would've happened. But no. You said "appendage." And now we're all here. In an NSFW thread. Because of you.

You're welcome, everyone. Lady Yuzuha has been entertained for over an hour~

u/bite_back • 238 points • 2hr ago

she's not wrong tho. op u brought this on urself

u/bite_back • 312 points • 2hr ago

it doesn't have a battery, it's a sword sheath

u/notdeadyet • 157 points • 2hr ago

Wait, this is just like that movie where the guy gets stuck in an Etheric artifact. What was it called... "Sleepwalker"? No, that's a different one. Anyway, in the movie they just waited it out. Have you tried waiting longer?

u/notdeadyet • 234 points • 2hr ago

Have you tried blowing on it like a cartridge?

u/gyatatouille • 312 points • 2hr ago

Please stop helping

u/notdeadyet • 298 points • 2hr ago

I'm just trying to help! Maybe she should try rebooting the sheath

u/notdeadyet • 312 points • 1hr ago

Oh. That's different.jpg. Have you tried turning the dick off and on again?

u/couch_potato_neko • 218 points • 1hr ago

I'm crying. This is the best thread I've ever read on this website

u/gyatatouille • 478 points • 1hr ago

She's not going to hate you. She's going to see that you did something monumentally stupid because you missed her. That's not hate. That's pity, at worst.

At best, and I think you know this, she's going to find it endearing. She is not the kind of person who would hate someone for wanting to feel close to her. Even if the method was catastrophically ill-advised.

u/highboilingpoint • 234 points • 1hr ago

That was really mean :(

But also... she's right, OP. She won't hate you. She cares about you too much.

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 149 points • 1hr ago*

...I didn't want her to find out like this.

I didn't want her to come home and see that I did something so stupid with something so important to her. She trusts me with her space. With her things. With her family's legacy.

I just wanted to feel close to her while she was gone. I know that doesn't make it better.

I know that doesn't make it better. I know this sounds like an excuse. It is not. It is an explanation. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am asking for help

u/highboilingpoint • 289 points • 1hr ago

OP :(

u/bite_back • 267 points • 1hr ago

...okay that was actually kinda sad

u/notdeadyet • 178 points • 1hr ago

Wait. She's sad? I take back the cartridge joke. That was insensitive. Sorry, OP

u/eightlayer-taco • 312 points • 1hr ago

Okay. I'm going to be honest. I came into this thread for material. I was going to use the WD-40 thing in something... But OP just said they missed her and I'm sitting here with... feelings? This is inconvenient~

u/starlight_billy • 234 points • 1hr ago

Hey, for what it's worth? If she loves you, she's not going to care about the sheath. She's going to care that you're okay. That's how love works!

u/kama-sama69 • 267 points • 1hr ago

Hmph. Okay fine. That was actually kind of sweet. In a horrible, terrible, no-good way. But sweet~ I'm sorry for giving you a hard time, OP. Mostly. Hehe

u/gyatatouille • 423 points • 1hr ago

It does make it better, actually. Not the method, but the reason

She's not going to hate you, Captain. She will still love you completely

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 1hr ago

I know who you are. I can tell from your writing style. Your lack of capitalization is distinctive.

I am going to remember this.

...Thank you for covering my shift. You did not have to do that.

u/miss_hiss • 423 points • 1hr ago

oh i KNOW u will, captain. thats wut makes this so good~

...but actually tho. if u need smth. u know where i am. not in a weird way. in a "my captain is clearly having the worst day of her life" way.

(also ur face is SO red rn. i can literally sense the heat from here~)

u/throwaway_PSO_148 (OP) • 1 point • 1hr ago

The temperature is not relevant. I stated in an edit that it is body temperature.

u/etheric_artifact_collector • 1 point • 1hr ago

Right, sorry. One more question — you mentioned you can't stand without discomfort. Is the discomfort from the weight of the sheath or from the appendage itself? Because if it's the appendage, that suggests sustained blood flow, which means—

Actually, can you describe the discomfort? In detail? I think I can narrow down the removal method based on whether it's pressure-related or sensitivity-related.

u/bite_back • 412 points • 1hr ago

flagged

u/lumina_square_rat • 389 points • 1hr ago

bro is asking for a play-by-play

u/etheric_artifact_collector • 1 point • 1hr ago

I'm being serious. The type of discomfort determines whether you need to reduce swelling or relax the surrounding muscles. If OP could just describe what she's feeling—

Also OP, you said you're on the bed. What position are you in? Supine or seated? This affects blood flow distribution.

u/etheric_artifact_collector • 0 points • 1hr ago

I'm just trying to help. People are so quick to assume the worst

u/bite_back • 534 points • 1hr ago

u asked her to describe her position on the bed. while she has a dick stuck in a sword sheath. ur not "trying to help"

u/etheric_artifact_collector • -12 points • 1hr ago

Fine. Good luck OP. I hope it works out. If you want to DM me, I'm available. I have experience with Etheric artifacts and I'm discreet.

u/lumina_square_rat • 489 points • 1hr ago

"I have experience with Etheric artifacts and I'm discreet" is the most threatening sentence in this entire thread and that includes the prophecy person

u/bite_back • 298 points • 1hr ago

it's a sword sheath. with a dick in it. u can't duel it

u/crouchingtiger • 234 points • 1hr ago

Wait, what's actually stuck? Everyone keeps saying "appendage" but nobody says which one. Is it a finger? That happens to me with Hu Wei's dispensing slot sometimes!

u/sixth_street_regular • 378 points • 1hr ago

It's not a finger. Read the thread. People have been saying it for an hour

u/crouchingtiger • 267 points • 1hr ago

But that doesn't... people keep saying that word but I thought they were joking? There's no way someone would... oh. Oh! That's… I need to sit down.

u/crouchingtiger • 298 points • 1hr ago

...I need to go. I am going to pretend I never read this post. Hu Wei, we're leaving

u/crouchingtiger • 178 points • 1hr ago

...I asked Shifu what to do if someone gets their appendage stuck in an Etheric artifact. She told me to stop reading things on the internet and go practice my fire techniques. But she also wrote something down in her notebook really fast after I asked, so I think she knows what's stuck but didn't want to tell me

u/ether_addict_420 • 892 points • 1hr ago

THE OWNER HAS ARRIVED

u/bite_back • 634 points • 1hr ago

finally. someone with sense in this thread

good luck. ur gonna need it

u/highboilingpoint • 478 points • 1hr ago

OP please be okay :( Please be gentle with her

u/gyatatouille • 567 points • 1hr ago

I'm on my way too. For observational purposes.

u/bite_back • 712 points • 1hr ago

ur gonna make it worse

u/notdeadyet • 267 points • 1hr ago

Wait, she's actually coming? Should I come? I can help! I'm good at figuring stuff out!

u/bite_back • 534 points • 1hr ago

if u show up i will end u

u/kama-sama69 • 423 points • 1hr ago

She chose her girlfriend over the seven generation family heirloom. That's love~ Even Lady Yuzuha can't troll this. It's actually beautiful. Disgusting, but beautiful~ Hehe

u/eightlayer-taco • 389 points • 1hr ago

Hmm... The ending is perfect. The romantic payoff after all that shame and fear: she's not angry, she's coming to help. I couldn't structure this better if I spent a year on it...

Ah... I think I need to go take a bath and process this

u/chariottrackers • 267 points • 1hr ago

I still don't fully understand what's happening but I think OP is going to be okay?

u/chariottrackers • 312 points • 1hr ago

I think so too! She seems really nice. She sounded worried about OP, not mad.

u/couch_potato_neko • 578 points • 1hr ago

"I am not concerned about the sheath. I am concerned about you."

bro she chose her girlfriend over the seven generation family heirloom. that's love.

u/bite_back • 445 points • 1hr ago

she's gonna be fine. she'll probably just help her get unstuck and then never let her live it down. honestly? good for them. dumb way to show u miss someone but. good for them

View entire discussion (143 comments)

u/starlight_billy • 314 points • 1hr ago

OP!! There's an episode of Starlight Knight where he has to face someone who saw him at his lowest. He was scared too. But you know what he said?

"The person who matters will always see past the armor to the knight underneath."

You watered the plants. You completed your mission. You just had one really bad lapse in judgment. That doesn't erase who you are.

She's coming to help you. That means she already sees the knight underneath. You just have to let her in.

...also if she asks, WD-40 was not involved. I'm covering for you. Starlight Knights stick together!

u/NewEriduAdvice_Modteam • 892 points • 1hr ago

Locking this thread. We've received over 200 reports in the last hour. OP's situation appears to be resolving. Please do not attempt to contact any Public Security officers mentioned in this thread.

This is officially the most chaotic post in this subreddit's history. We need a drink.

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